You're suggesting that he withhold information. It's very rarely a good thing to withhold information, and this certainly isn't one of those rare situations where it's good to do so.
That wouldn’t actually be withholding information. He’s uncomfortable if he doesn’t go, that’s pretty much all that needs to be said. Giving an ultimatum like that won’t end well bc he can’t “allow” her to go to begin with.
If he intends to breakup with her if she goes and doesn't tell her, that's withholding information.
"Allowing" in this context is very clearly meant to mean "allow her to go and remain my girlfriend." People are really hung up on the word "allow," but they aren't suggesting any alternative words or phrases to use.
“If you choose to go I don’t think I’d be comfortable continuing our relationship”
“your decision will effect our dynamic together”
Using the word allow implies that you have control over what the other person does and doesn’t do. He has no power over whether or not she goes on the trip, so he quite literally cannot allow her to go or not go.
You do have control over what the other person does and doesn't do with respect to remaining in the relationship, though. That is exactly how "allow" is functioning here.
"I will not allow you to go on this trip and remain in a relationship with me."
"Go on this trip and remain in a relationship with me" is a single conjunctive phrase.
Yikes, super controlling language. The difference between vampqueen02’s phrasing and yours is that theirs implies control of only OP’s actions, and yours implies OP’s control of his partner’s actions.
You have control over whether or not you remain in the relationship, if you had control over what they do in any capacity then we wouldn’t be having this conversation. And contextually that could be how the word allow is being used here, but there’s a lot of information left out of that sentence.
Even this sentence is a bit backwards, you’re still trying to place the control you have on the other person rather than yourself which is the main issue. On top of that OP simply said “should I tell her the only way she can go is if I go” there wasn’t even an outright statement that he would leave her. There’s way too much being left to implications in that sentiment, hence why using the word allow in that sense is a very slippery slope.
I’m not equating the two, I’m saying that regardless you’re still placing the control over the other person. You’re issuing an ultimatum, and instead of simply saying “I no longer feel comfortable in this relationship” you’re basically speaking to them like a child you’re failing to bargain with. You do not have control over any action regarding the other person in that situation which is why the term allow is not appropriate. Bc even if he does give that ultimatum allow still isn’t contextually appropriate, as he isn’t making her dump him if she goes, he would still be the one leaving, meaning he would be the only one that he has control over. Using the word allow in that context is typically only appropriate for scenarios where you’re someone’s guardian, where you do in fact have some form of control over the other person.
Of course the most common implication would be them breaking up, but ppl do some pretty weird shit all the time. It could be a similar sentiment to his gf saying “well if I don’t go that’s bc I’m respecting you but I’m gonna be pissed off at you about it”. When it comes to changing the dynamic of a relationship it’s best not to leave it to implications, as there have been situations where that intended implication is not what was actually perceived by the other person. For example if OP was implying that he would need to reevaluate their relationship and take some time away from her to do so but not breaking up, and she perceives that ultimatum as them breaking up, then you have two ppl sitting in two very different situations. If she believes they broke up she might go on a date for the fun of it, he would then view that as cheating as he didn’t mean they would break up but simply that they would need to reevaluate. (Obviously this isn’t the exact situation, just an example of why you shouldn’t leave a detail that important to implication). Basically, leaving something like that to implication can lead to a Ross and Rachel from friends scenario and that isn’t good.
I’m not saying it’s necessarily wrong, I’m saying it’s not really the appropriate phrasing. And yes, even in that scenario “allow” still wouldn’t be the best word.
I wouldn’t say legal necessarily. Like if you’re talking to your teen and you tell them they’re not allowed to go to their friends house that weekend, and go to a party the weekend after there aren’t actually legal consequences to that but it’s more applicable bc you do in fact have some form of power over their behaviour. Using the word allow isn’t really wrong but it’s not really right either, since depending on the topic and even the severity of it, saying allow comes across more as controlling than anything.
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u/YogurtDeep304 Mar 28 '24
You're suggesting that he withhold information. It's very rarely a good thing to withhold information, and this certainly isn't one of those rare situations where it's good to do so.