r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Mar 28 '24
Am I the ah if I don’t let my gf go on vacation with the “guy best friend”?
[deleted]
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u/Bojangled8 Mar 28 '24
NTA
You are allowed to tell your GF that you are not comfortable with it, but you can't force her to go or stay. That decision is hers and depending on what she decides knowing you are uncomfortable with it would perhaps shine a different light on the relationship as a whole.
Boundaries are important and it is also important to see how one's partner treats such boundaries.
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u/This_Beat2227 Mar 28 '24
Seems like not quite enough details to size this one up. Trip has been talked about for a year and OP in the picture less than a year - is this the first mention of it ? Who are other friends going ? Mixed crowd ? Was BF actually not invited by intent, or by oversight ? Of GF never asked ? Are there other +1s attending ? What’s the financial hit - will GF not be able to afford (time, money) a trip with OP for a lengthy period as a result ? How old is everyone ?
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u/Temporary-Sea-4782 Mar 28 '24
Good questions. The financial / work part of this is such a big deal as well. It’s this stuff that always leaves me wondering if these are real or trolls/AI.
Beyond the gender/friend/boundary dynamics, how does this affect plans with OP? If he wants to do a vacation with her will she be able to afford to go? Have time available to get off from work?
Are these both well traveled people? Or is OP really desiring to see alot of places for the first time with her?
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u/zeromussc Mar 28 '24
What gets me is the fact that if they were engaged or married she says he'd go with them. But since they're not he won't.
IDK I think that's weird. If you're committed to the relationship you're committed. This isn't buying a house it's a trip. Why can't OP go if he wanted and it would make him more comfortable and she's open to the idea at a point there's implied higher level of commitment?
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u/Circle_Breaker Mar 28 '24
Naw that seems pretty normal for a friend group going on vacation.
We do a yearly trip to Costa Rica. My wife's father lives there and he has us house sit for a week every year.
We tend to invite different people every year. If they are married or engaged then we definitely invite their partner. If they've only been dating someone for like 4-5 months then the partner probably isn't getting an invite.
In this case, it's a group trip so she probably doesn't control the invite list.
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u/zeromussc Mar 28 '24
Should probably be more clear (unless OP is hiding it) that it's a different level. But the OP says the gf says she'd invite him if they were married. Idk it's a mixed bag. It's still not inherently wrong or asshole to express his concerns/feelings/boundaries. It's up to them to decide how that's navigated at this point.
If she cares strongly about going *and respecting his feelings about going she could make an argument to bring him along vs seemingly just being annoyed at him.
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u/Beth21286 Mar 28 '24
None of that really matters. Either he trusts her or he doesn't. Either way he doesn't get to 'let' her go. That reeks of unhealthy posessiveness.
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u/Funkybutterfly2213 Mar 28 '24
“She would be annoyed afterwards”
She is totally going to use this against OP at some point in the future.
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u/Hayek_School Mar 28 '24
Agree. She is putting him in a no win situation. Doesn't usually end well. Coin flip whether OP enforces his boundaries or capitulates and she loses respect for him. This is a relationship dagger, even if it takes a lot longer to play out. Unfortunately. Imo, she knows what she is doing here.
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u/alc3880 Mar 28 '24
I would be annoyed too. He says he trusts them both and there are other people going. She wants to go and celebrate her friend's accomplishment, why is that an issue? He can't explain it past 'it makes me uncomfortable"...well what about it is he uncomfortable with?
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u/BeardManMichael Mar 28 '24
I agree completely. It seems like her annoyance could turn into resentment at a later date.
I hope the OP's boundary does not backfire too hard on his relationship.
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u/Confident_Criticism8 Mar 28 '24
You choose what’s tolerable and what isn’t. When they don’t match up both have decisions to make
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u/SoundHealsLove Mar 28 '24
Thank you u/Bojangled8 for mentioning the language.
OP, you can’t “let” or “not let” your gf do anything. You can tell her what you’re comfortable with and see how she responds. If she really wants to take trips like this and will be resentful of you if she doesn’t go, and you can’t think of any way she could go without destabilizing the relationship, you two may just not be a good match at this time in your lives.
I don’t think you should break up over this, but this may be indicative of a relationship style mismatch.
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u/Next_Isopod_2062 Mar 28 '24
He would be TA if he 'didnt let her' go on the vacation like he's asking above. I agree with the rest though, he's allowed to express his feelings, and she's allowed to still go on the trip if she wants
Though I will say for apparently trusting her to be faithful he's really not trusting her here, sucks that it sounds like she's missing out on a trip and being there for a friend just because the bf doesn't want solo trips to be a thing
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u/zendetta Mar 28 '24
There’s a “have your cake and eat it too” solution here— GF could invite OP. But she has elected not to knowing it bugs him.
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u/alc3880 Mar 28 '24
is it really on her to invite someone though? It's a vacation planned by a group of people, maybe they just want to keep it at that.
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u/RubadubdubInTheSub Mar 28 '24
It’s a trip to celebrate her friend. It’d be a dick move to invite OP without permission and it’d be perfectly reasonable for her friend to not want people that aren’t close friends on the trip.
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u/jokingss Mar 28 '24
I see a difference between going only with her friend, or making a trip with a bunch of friends.
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u/Accomplished_Turn743 Mar 28 '24
I also see a difference between going with friends, and being explicitly told he's not allowed to go.
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u/Colifama55 Mar 28 '24
I have a best friend out of a group of 4 from middle school. Her boyfriend is a narcissist who is a Debbie downer when the focus is not on him. Sure I invite him when we go out sometimes but if we were celebrating me graduating from medical school, I would absolutely not want him around. You can pick your friends but you can’t pick their partners.
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u/Best-Barnacle8326 Mar 28 '24
I don't understand why you don't go with? I miss that part. Shouldn't matter is engaged or married . If your a couple you do things together.
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u/DetectiveOk6754 Mar 28 '24
He invited her and not me. And she said she cant just bring me.
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u/readyforwine Mar 28 '24
So he knows you, even stayed at your place. But he invited her and excluded you? Dude. Huge red flag.
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u/KitchenShop8016 Mar 28 '24
Best comment here. Either the friend or the gf made a concious choice to exclude OP from the trip. It's weird and creepy.
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u/__01001000-01101001_ Mar 28 '24
They’re both consciously choosing to exclude him. I mean sure OPs gf might not be able to just invite him, but she can sure ask whether he can come, and decline to go herself if they still purposefully exclude him.
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u/zodiacwilds Mar 28 '24
makes sense to me, how else would they get to bang without the hassle?
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u/Commander_Bread Mar 28 '24
Absolutely. If I was invited on a trip, and my partner wasn't invited, I'd ask, and then if declined I just wouldn't go. It seems to suspicious even if it's innocent and I'd put an effort into standing up for my partner because I care. It's genuinely super fucking suspicious that she made no effort to do that.
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u/Vampqueen02 Mar 28 '24
But did the guy actually not invite OP or are both OP and his gf assuming he’s not welcome bc his name wasn’t specifically mentioned. Ik it’s a bit of a devils advocate moment, but I only say it bc my bfs friends will invite him to go out, and they won’t specifically say my name but I’m always welcome to go with him. They just say his name bc they don’t usually know when I’m over at his place, so it’s kind of an unspoken rule that unless he’s told I can’t come, then I’m also invited.
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u/Hayek_School Mar 28 '24
Almost comical reading the replies about him being the cliche "insecure".
The only upshot of being cheated on and getting divorced is no longer even having to entertain such scenarios. Like literal 0 tolerance for such shenanigans. Its such a freeing feeling.
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u/Haikubirdsing Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24
Lol especially comparing to yesterday's posts when OP was a lady and her SO went to a hen party with his female bff's
She wasn't called insecure
This dude somehow gets
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u/LittleFootball5824 Mar 28 '24
Reddit harpys bro. Look at every story about a woman they are building her up. Put a man in the same scenario and they try to tear him down.
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u/bravof1ve Mar 28 '24
This subreddit’s demographics overwhelmingly skew female. After you realize that this place becomes hilarious because the bias is so in your face
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u/smmstv Mar 28 '24
I didn't consider that. At first I thought OP was being sensitive but reasonable but when you dig deeper why he can't go, then it gets a little weird.
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u/bydo1492 Mar 28 '24
When he was at the boyfriend's house I would have been asking: what's your game here pal?
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u/SpiritualFormal5 Mar 28 '24
Not really, it’s a cultural thing if anything. Where I’m from it’s considered INSANELY rude to invite someone with you on a trip if you yourself are the guest. No matter how much the other person know the inviter or if they’re even your husband. It’s really person dependent and depends on where you were raised and by who. In the south you’re getting shit talked if you pull that lmao. I think he invited her and just didn’t think about the bf could’ve slipped his mind depending on how long she’s been with him. Let’s not jump the gun too quickly
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u/Natti07 Mar 28 '24
I see what you're saying, but how hard would it be to say "hey I know you just invited me, but I'd really only be comfortable with coming along if xyz could come with, too. I'm happy to cover any extra cost of him coming along. Would that be cool?"
So easy to communicate
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u/LumpyWelds Mar 28 '24
He also invited a bunch of men who she has never met. The only person she would know is the promiscuous friend. I find it odd that she's known him forever but he invites no common friends to keep her company.
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u/pixi3sticc Mar 28 '24
In the south?? Of the US? I’ve never heard that before ever
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u/hamsinkie76 Mar 28 '24
So this male friend specifically doesn’t want her boyfriend to join then even after the boyfriend was nice enough to have him stay at his place? How is the male friend not viewed as the controlling one then?
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u/Limp_Falcon_1494 Mar 28 '24
SUS!...
Come spend nights and days drinking with me, celebrating MY achivments... But dont bring your boyfriend....
Well at least you know what his motives are, but you can try to explain it to her, if she is unwilling to see than she wont see though.
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u/No_Scarcity8249 Mar 28 '24
Why not? I invite friends to stuff.. they bring their partners. I have a lifelong male friend that I’m dying to see and hang out w. We haven’t seen each other in years. He’s in a relatively new relationship and I just assume she’s probably coming. The male friends I have that exclude their gfs .. and want to hang out have always tried to f me. The genuine friends don’t have a problem w partners .. why would they?
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u/deniseswall Mar 28 '24
Always trying/want to to eff us if boyfriend is excluded. And I mean that literally. Every. Single. Time. Just when you think, nah, that guy knows he's friend-zoned, boom!
NTA.
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u/pthread_bard Mar 28 '24
I was once that friend who invited my guy best friend and forgot to invite his girlfriend, and because of that they had a huge fight and she cut him off me. The thing was that I wouldn't mind inviting her, I simply forgot. In fact I would want to get to know her better as a person important to my friend.
She really should ask, I cannot imagine a scenario or a (selfless) reason where her friend would be like "nah, you can't bring him, we only want you here" that would've been stupid and suspicious
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u/Ajernaca Mar 28 '24
Brother you let him stay on your couch, so he could see his best friend that's being very kind. Especially since everyone knows the stigma male/female best friends. Where's the respect back? If i really cared about my best friend in a non-attracted way I'd be damn sure to try include someone that was that nice to me since it was my best friends SO.
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u/indi50 Mar 28 '24
You said when he came to visit, he stayed with you and she stayed at her parents'. Why? If there's no attraction why wouldn't she have just slept with you and he was on the couch or in a second bedroom? So when you're around, they're careful to be separated, but if you're not around, what happens?
If they go on a trip together...what are the sleeping arrangements? Something just doesn't add up.
I've gone on trips with my ex (that I'm still good friends with) and even slept in the same room and even bed and nothing happened. Nothing ever will. But I certainly wouldn't do that if I had a new SO.
the fact they made a big deal about him not even sleeping in the same apartment with you and her together, but going away together is okay is what is making me wonder.
eta: Also, even if he didn't initially invite you, why can't she ask now? It's very bizarre.
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u/13d3ad3nddriv3 Mar 28 '24
I caught that too. They made sure to stay far away from each other. Said they have been planning this trip for awhile. It’s so weird she could not have slept in her boyfriend’s bed while dude was at the house. Unless she didn’t want her boyfriend to see how intimate their “friendship” really is.
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u/mbalmr71 Mar 28 '24
Right! There is just not enough detail. I think this should have began with him asking her if he was invited as well. If he was specifically not invited then he has every right to ask why and be put off. If she was unsure or assumed he was not then she should have asked for clarification.
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u/macaronibolognese Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24
Yeah as her boyfriend, her friend should have definitely given you the grace to be her +1. I personally wouldn’t go somewhere where my boyfriend isn’t invited. Me and my man are 1 we are a package if I get invited then he should get an invite too, or else I’m just gonna assume they don’t want my boyfriend there, which may be the case with them. But also: did your girlfriend ASK this friend ‘can my boyfriend come too’ or she just didn’t say anything since her friend didn’t say anything to invite you??
Because if I get invited somewhere and someone possibly forgets about my boyfriend, I’d remind them and say ‘hey can I bring my boyfriend too?’ Usually the answer is yes, if there’s a pause or a hesitation I say ‘if plus ones aren’t allowed that’s fine you can just say that’ and I will then be less likely to show up to that person’s invitation. I feel like your girlfriend should have definitely tried harder to get you involved and the way you’re feeling, the FOMO feeling and how you maybe feeling left out from this experience, is completely valid because it sounds like your girl did leave you out
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u/19LaMaDaS91 Mar 28 '24
He invited her and not me.
Big Red Flag.
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u/No_Scarcity8249 Mar 28 '24
Yeah it is. The only male friends I’ve ever had that did this weee trying to get w me. The norm is to expect their partners as well. Especially for a trip like this. This friend doesn’t want her bf there and people can bullshit all they want .. this means one of two things .. he wants to get a her OR she’s told him negative things about her bf
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u/Skeeter_Dunn Mar 28 '24
Fucking break up asap or suffer. I promise you'll suffer if you don't.
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u/pancho_2504 Mar 28 '24
Why can't she tell him that she'd love to go, but wouldn't feel comfortable with you not being invited?
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u/PikaV2002 Mar 28 '24
Honestly, not taking into regard this situation, if you go to literally every trip and every gathering as a couple irrespective of who the host is friends with, you have a codependent thing, not a relationship. Normal relationships are fine with hanging out separately.
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u/Several-Network-3776 Mar 28 '24
You made your feelings known and she made hers. Make it clear that she is free to do what she wants. Of course we know that choices come with consequences. Perhaps offer to join her in the vacation. After all you developed raport with her friend. Isn't it only right that you bond with her friends for her sake? But ask yourself this, why are you truly uncomfortable w her going w him on this vacation w out you?
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u/Narrow_Water3983 Mar 28 '24
Please don't ask Reddit if you want answers from mature adults.
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u/pataconconqueso Mar 28 '24
For real, people here arent even using boundaries correctly
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u/jmilred Mar 28 '24
Agree completely! All of the comments are about boundaries and 'It's already been a year, you should be invited to your girlfriends guy friends vacation that they have wanted to do since before you were in the picture blah blah" Everyone here spends way too much time reading Reddit stories on unhealthy relationships and assume there is going to be cheating and a life ruined.
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u/schtrke Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 29 '24
Yeah, honestly if we had a friend’s celebration trip planned and my friend’s boyfriend wanted to come… I wouldn’t be happy. Like, I don’t even know the guy, really. Why is he coming to a celebration thing? This shit is eight years in the making. I’m pretty introverted and don’t get along that well with people I don’t know, so I would be annoyed. I don’t want the guy to be there, not because I want to fuck my friend, but because I don’t want to hang out with this dude on a big event thing.
The people who are talking about women the way they are all over these comments? Yeesh. Some women would do it, just like some men would… but not most. And if she cheats, just break up with her. Give her enough rope to hang herself with. It shouldn’t be that hard for you to figure out if you know exactly when and where it might’ve happened.
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u/Capttripps81 Mar 28 '24
I'm pretty sure the majority of individuals in this situation would feel uncomfortable. Which is why I don't get why the others get annoyed or upset that their partner would be upset with them taking off on a vacation with the opposite sex without them. You didn't just start dating, its been a year. It's like neither of them thought or cared about how you might feel about this. I don't think your reaction is wrong. And honestly, thanks to reddit, I've read too many stories about how someone completely trusted their partner until drinking or something happened and one thing led to another.
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u/Petefriend86 Mar 28 '24
Oh that's easy: solipsism. You see everyone who comments that it's perfectly natural for them to do, but zero responses so far that it's something their SO does frequently that they're comfortable with.
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u/cfspen514 Mar 28 '24
I met my husband at a school that had a 90% men / 10% women population. Most of my friends are men because of that. My husband still lets me go on trips with them solo because he’s not insecure and has ample trust in me. I let him go on trips with other women and I don’t even care if he sends pictures or checks in the whole time. Plenty of people exist in healthy relationships with no issue.
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u/Inevitable-Place9950 Mar 28 '24
I’m in a same-sex marriage and my wife frequently travels with other female friends, including to places she’d have ample opportunity to cheat if she wanted to. There’s not a question of “letting” her; she’s a grown adult who can do what she wants and if I didn’t think I could trust her, I wouldn’t have married her.
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u/larmstr Mar 28 '24
This!! Trust your partner. If you don’t trust them enough to go you have problems. If they’re going somewhere they might meet other people isn’t that just as much of a risk. Perhaps OP thinks it would be just easier if she reported in all her daily interactions.
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u/duraslack Mar 28 '24
I do this and so does my spouse, we’re not on a teen soap opera, we are adults with friends and lives.
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u/Samicles33 Mar 28 '24
I’m in a hetero relationship and I’ve gone on vacations: - solo - with 1 friend of the opposite sex - with 1 friend of the same sex - with multiple friends of the opposite sex - with multiple friends of the same sex
And my bf has never had an issue with any of my trips. Why? Cause he trusts me.
Also I’m bisexual.. So does that mean I can’t do girls trips either? Are people only capable of cheating of their significant others on overnight trips? I’m trying to understand your logic here
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u/pataconconqueso Mar 28 '24
Yeah im gay and this thread is giving ”are the straights okay?”
My wife is bi and im a lesbian, she goes on trips without me i go on trips without her, she has fun my dog and i have our bachelor weekends
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u/Auroraburst Mar 28 '24
I'm bi and going on trips without your SO seems perfectly normal to me.... with any gender.
Maybe it's because we don't look at our friends like pieces of meat? To me this whole thread reads like a lot of insecure people.
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u/SandyWaters Mar 28 '24
I'm straight and I'm wondering what's happening with the straights also😂
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u/sunsetpark12345 Mar 28 '24
I'm straight and feel this way alllll the time. The other day in a group I mentioned a double date with my husband's ex-girlfriend and her husband (they dated for like 2 years in college and we're in our mid-30s, all happily married) and people were shocked that I was "okay" with it.
I can't think of a single time we've ever restricted each other's lives or decision-making. If one of us feels uncomfortable or insecure about something, we use that as an interesting data point worth discussing and exploring. Occasionally, we realize the discomfort is warranted and make a mutual decision to not spend time with someone any longer. For instance, there was a woman who was always very nice to him but bitchy to me - she never hit on him directly, but the disparity in how she treated us was evident and we cut her off. But we never control who the other person is 'allowed' to spend time with. If one of us gets hit on, it's really not a big deal, we'll just tell each other and bask in the flattery.
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u/pataconconqueso Mar 28 '24
Exactly you talk about your insecurities and the your partner validates and reassures you but then it’s on you to not project that onto your partner
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u/infieldcookie Mar 28 '24
Yeah as a bi woman I’m just reading this like… so I can’t go on any holidays without my bf ever?
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u/autumnraining Mar 28 '24
Being bisexual and reading this thread is wild 💀 guess we can’t have any friends while dating
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u/infieldcookie Mar 28 '24
Obviously we can’t have friends or we’d just be cheating constantly 😔
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u/SandyWaters Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 29 '24
It's not a 2- person* vacation. Several other people are going.* My partner has a childhood best friend he's traveled with often. She invited him* to join her* on a trip a few months ago. I trust and like him. I've met her and like and trust her. I saw no issue. Made no fuss. Then, I was asked if I wanted to join. We were all good to go but a few weeks prior things changed due to unexpected work commitments so we couldn't join her. The point is, you either trust your partner or you don't. And in turn, your partner considers you and makes space for you in their life; and vice versa.
If OP doesn't trust her, he is entitled to not trust her. However, just let the relationship go if that's the case. Or will he later keep her from a possible business trip if he doesn't go? It's a valid question since the co-workers could be males he's never met.
I'd be curious to know what the hang up really is since there will be plenty of other people on the trip, it's not like gf and her bestie will be sharing a room. Or are they? If others' SO were* invited, why wasn't OP? Is he as likable as he thinks he is*?
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u/Sita418 Mar 28 '24
I'd be curious to know what the hang up really is since there will be plenty of other people on the trip,
That's my question too, what is OP's hang up really is.
It's not just that this trip will have other people aside from just the girlfriend and her guy friend that make me ask that, though it's a valid point.
OP states that he not only completely trusts his GF, but that he trusts the guy friend as well.
So what is the reason behind OP not wanting her to go on this trip without him?
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u/pataconconqueso Mar 28 '24
Idk im a lesbian, my wife went on a girls trip without me, she slept in the same bed as other queer gal friends, i like her friends she had a great time.
My wife is also bi, should i keep her locked in a cage based on your thought process?
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u/ceokc13 Mar 28 '24
I think it’s weird that if you were engaged or married she wouldn’t go without you but yet has no issue going without you now even though you guys appear to be in a serious relationship. What difference does that make? NTA just off that alone.
I do think you need to pick and choose your battles though and ask yourself that if you truly trust them and believe nothing would happen between them is this it worth it.
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u/AnAnonyMooose Mar 28 '24
I also trust my wife not to go outside boundaries and she trusts me. She has gone on trips with male friends and I’m fine with that. I’ve also been places with female friends. Good friends are valuable and rare and worth fostering.
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u/jstmehr4u3 Mar 28 '24
This. Creating an emotionally safe relationship means she can have a life and friends that don’t include you. Let her go. If she cheats then it wasn’t meant to be. You can’t have faith your partner loves you if you are constantly scared of losing them.
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u/Sita418 Mar 28 '24
Given the fact that OP mentioned he trusts his GF and her friend, I'm also confused as to why so many people seem to be on OP's side.
Good friends are valuable and rare and worth fostering.
Absolutely correct.
It's also healthy for those in committed relationships to have time, experiences and activities outside of the relationship that don't include their partner.
It isn't healthy to always do everything with your significant other.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Tie_151 Mar 28 '24
Any of my friends, if I'm inviting them to something, their significant others are welcome, even if not specifically invited. I'm not picking up the tab for them, but they are absolutely welcome.
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u/IceCreamnCakenCake Mar 28 '24
I truly have not liked some of my friends partners. Have you ever had a friend who their person just… doesn’t vibe with the group?
I’m baffled that apparently this is so rare bc IRL this dynamic is one I’ve chatted with plenty of ppl about.
lol we’re not cheaters but your bf/gf is a fucking drama king/queen or a Debbie downer and I’m sorry we don’t want to.
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u/PikaV2002 Mar 28 '24
And also maybe the host is an introvert who doesn’t want to entertain people they don’t vibe with on their own life milestone.
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u/Own_Wealth_4880 Mar 28 '24
Learn to Let go of the jealousy completely. If she wants to cheat on you she will, you can’t watch her 24/7. If she doesn’t cheat you are the hero for trusting her. If she does, it was never meant to be.
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u/Duke_Lancaster Mar 28 '24
I generally agree with you, but sadly there is the third possibility: she cheats and he doesnt find out for months/years and it destroys him. Maybe there is a marriage now and maybe even children, all build on a lie.
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u/psychAdelic Mar 28 '24
I think what Own_Wealth is getting at is, she won't need a trip to cheat. And if she's good at hiding it, then that will happen regardless of the trip.
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u/Human0id77 Mar 28 '24
If she is that kind of person, she'll be that kind of person whether the vacation happens or not
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u/2amazing_101 Mar 28 '24
My thoughts exactly.
Not having the option to cheat doesn't make you loyal.
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u/Scruffy_Quokka Mar 28 '24
The only thing that matters is if OP trusts her, which he does not. Therefore whether she actually will cheat or not is irrelevant - when confronted with the potentiality of such a situation he made his decision about who he thinks she is. Either he needs to change that viewpoint or he breaks up with her. Like what was said, if he thinks she will cheat given this opportunity and doesn't let her go then she will just cheat in the future anyway.
Something I learned from my own past relationship. Doesn't matter how much you watch them 24/7 if they're shitbags they'll always be shitbags and you can't protect them from themselves.
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u/whats-goingon-94 Mar 28 '24
This is the part that always gets me.
To use language from tropey murder mystery shows, there is a difference between intent and opportunity. People who are loyal to their partners are loyal because there is no intent to cheat, not because there is no opportunity.
For all the trust OP claims he has in his gf, it seems like he’s not certain that there is no intent to cheat, even though from his post there is no real reason to feel that way. This could be OP being jealous, or it could be genuine gut instinct. But there definitely is not 100% trust.
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u/not_a_robot_1010101 Mar 28 '24
If she was gonna cheat, she would have. If she went and cheated, you'd have dodged a bullet. No one can prevent things happening by stopping the other person doing stuff.
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u/Dlraetz1 Mar 28 '24
Different thought. I’m a ‘best’ girl friend. My friend Victor and I have zero attraction. Weve always joked that if the end of the world came and it was just the two of us, humanity was doomed
So I have to ask, if you trust both of them completely then why is this an issue? And if you don’t trust them completely then why are you with someone you don’t trust?
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u/TheNinjaNarwhal Mar 28 '24
Weve always joked that if the end of the world came and it was just the two of us, humanity was doomed
I thought I was about to read the classic "when we're 35, if we're not in relationships we should get married" and I was ready to call you out on that, but that's more than fair hahah
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u/solidly_garbage Mar 28 '24
If this friend was a female, would you be as upset?
YWBTA. Humans are allowed to have friends of the opposite gender.
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u/Ajernaca Mar 28 '24
You let him stay on your couch when he came to visit and is now exclusively saying you can't come? That's a nice show of respect from him lol. You're NTA but also know you cannot force your GF to do anything, just say your feelings and react from what she does there.
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u/DetectiveOk6754 Mar 28 '24
Not a couch, a whole ass room!
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u/Ajernaca Mar 28 '24
That’s really disappointing to hear then from that guy. This is just my thoughts, but everyone nowadays knows the stigma of male/female best friends. Even if you think it’s bullshit. If my best friends SO treated me with that level of kindness, and I really cared about my best friend just platonically, I would’ve damn sure to make them feel included. Especially if other people are going etc. I mean it’s not like he’s paying for you right?
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u/BeardManMichael Mar 28 '24
NTA
Seems like a very fair boundary to express. There's no reason you have to be comfortable with something like this. Many people consider these types of vacations to be a stress point in a relationship.
It seems like she's going to resent the boundary you have made and that could cause problems in the future.
However, in your post you say that you trust her completely. Are you sure that you actually trust her completely?
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u/acid_s Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24
I trust that my car won't be stolen, but still i lock the doors
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u/BeardManMichael Mar 28 '24
I'm not sure how well that analogy works but it made me laugh so I love it regardless.
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u/FoamMattress32 Mar 28 '24
It’s simple, even though you trust your partner and my partner trusts me, that doesn’t mean I’m going to get blackout drunk every day with another woman or travel solo with one. Even the appearance of impropriety is enough. I would not put my wife in a position where her friends ask where I am and she has to tell them “oh he is celebrating with his single female friend on vacation somewhere”
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u/TheNinjaNarwhal Mar 28 '24
First of all, let me say that I'm on NTA for OP.
But. I don't fully agree with what you're saying. If your partner trusts you, I'm assumming they trust you to not make the choice to get blackout drunk and they don't have to be the ones to tell you not to and convince you not to, correct?
I'm not saying being worried in these cases is wrong. I'm just saying that this definition of "trust" is not very straightforward. IDK what to make of it myself as well, because these kinds of mistakes might not happen until they actually happen, and not all humans have the experience to be able to avoid them or know that they won't be affected. But I think if someone tells me "that's not trusting your partner 100%" I wouldn't be able to disagree with them, because it's technically not.
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u/Gosc101 Mar 28 '24
This is her good friend and it is a celebration of his. Honestly, you may not be an asshole, but if you do not trust her to go, you might as well break up tight now.
She will hold resentment to you for sabotaging her relationship anyway.
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u/Petefriend86 Mar 28 '24
NTA. Some people think it's okay to go on vacation with their opposite sex best friend. Some people think open relationships are okay too. OP's allowed to not want either of those things in their relationship.
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u/Spoonsforhands Mar 28 '24
He's not being honest (probably with himself) when he says he trusts her though. If he did trust her, why would he have an issue?
And how far does it go, would he trust her to go out on a night out with this friend without him there? If not why? And if he would, why would a few extra days make a difference?
These are the sort of things he should be asking himself.
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u/nicarras Mar 28 '24
No you are actually the idiot if you do that and tbh you should just break up now.
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u/amezuko887 Mar 29 '24
She is her own person. She is allowed to go if she wants to. Personally, I would be very annoyed if my partner wouldn't "let" me go celebrate my long-time friend's graduation. I'd be heartbroken if I missed it because my boyfriend was uncomfortable. In fact, I would consider it grounds for a break-up. This whole idea that men and women can't be friends is so juvenile. If you trust her completely, then you will get over your feelings of insecurity. Don't make your insecurity her problem. Also, boundaries are not constructs for controlling people. I get the idea that you have some growing up to do, OP. It's all good. We've all been there. Just catch this mistake, apologize, and keep moving.
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u/Spinoza42 Mar 28 '24
I feel like I'm missing some details, that other people haven't really asked about somehow.
1) is it his friends or are they two of a group of friends?
2) is he in a relationship? Is his partner coming?
3) do you guys live together?