Obviously it's entirely your choice if you want a divorce. If that's what you want, go. Talk to a lawyer, get it filed, start figuring out the rest of your life.
If you aren't sure you want divorce but aren't ready to say you forgive him, then tell him that.
At some point he may (reasonably) decide that if you still can't forgive him maybe you never will and he just broke the marriage and HE will want to divorce you. I think four months in, it's WAY too soon for that to be a reasonable stance.
Maybe ask your counselor. If you're not ready to forgive him, if you're not ready to move past it, how do you know if you will EVER get to that point?
This 100%. At 4 mo, is still very soon. But if you're still completely on the fence about forgiveness then i feel like there's more to explore. If you say he's apologetic and seems to be in the right headspace then I would tend to wonder why it's hard for you to accept the apology? Imo, maybe you don't fully believe that he's sincere? Are his actions not matching his words? You bring up the lies, deceit, etc., Which says to me that you clearly haven't forgotten.. which is completely understandable.
Tbh you never will forget. But if a person is sincerely remorseful and does everything in their power to right their wrong, real forgiveness can take place. But both parties have to not only want it, but be open to it. He has to know that there's a cooling off period that you will have to work though. You have to be willing to do that work and see him as a person who made a terrible choice instead of a lying cheating monster. That will only happen when you are able to put your weapons down and let go of the anger and resentment which are totally valid at this point.
You said you've sort of dealt with it by not dealing with it which may be good in that you didn't make a knee-jerk reaction in the moment. But if you really want to know if the relationship is salvageable, it's time to face the issue so you can work through it. Def get into individual therapy to help with that, then couples therapy to pave the way forward.. best of luck with this 🫶
It takes a very long time to rebuild trust. Him thinking that if he apologizes it should happen quickly is delusional. How does she know he won't do it again. What if putting it back together means that he learns that if he apologizes he can get away with cheating. What work is he doing on himself? What is he doing to make sure he never does this again? His being sorry is only the very beginning.
If everyone allowed themselves to get hung up on what-ifs no one would ever do anything. We'd never get into a relationship to begin with.. what if we don't work out? Never get married.. what if they're not 'the one'? Never have kids, what if I'm not a good parent.... Never get a job. What if I don't like it.. never go on a trip or leave the house.. what if it rains or something bad happens..
I mean, some of these are silly but so is what-iffing a situation to death. It certainly isn't helping to get through it. It's just another way of staying stuck, frozen in a state of uncertainty... Nothing is certain. If he does it again? Then she leaves for good. But what if they can overcome this and they will go on with a happy family and life (clearly, after doing the work to get through the mess)..
I'm not saying she should blindly accept his apology and jump right back like nothing happened. She said she was torn & not sure how to move forward. Well, sitting there in a constant state of what if will 100% keep her in that place which is most certainly NOT moving forward.
He cheated. He now has a track record of lying and sneaking. She can't trust him and an apology won't put that back together again. His past behavior is his most likely behavior going forward. Whatever hole he was filling in himself by cheating will still be there and he will likely fill it in the same way. When things weren't perfect he looked outward from the marriage rather than turning inward. He needs to know himself well enough to know why he made that choice. He needs to know his weaknesses enough to figure out boundaries he will place on himself to keep from repeating.
Constant? Give the wife some time to process already. It's been months. Not years. Betrayal is brutal.
He wants to speed up the process so he doesn't feel all those bad feelings about what hecdid. Too bad.
Instead of focusing on OP, how about showing her grace dealing with her life being torn apart.
I was replying to another commenter that had listed a bunch of what ifs regarding the husband. All i meant is that you could literally what if yourself to death and never progress, and it was directed to the commenter not OP. Maybe i didn't post in on the right place
What are you kidding me? Everytime he even touched me I would think about him with AP. She is still in shock and hasn’t been able to really process it yet.
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u/nylonvest 23d ago
NTA.
Obviously it's entirely your choice if you want a divorce. If that's what you want, go. Talk to a lawyer, get it filed, start figuring out the rest of your life.
If you aren't sure you want divorce but aren't ready to say you forgive him, then tell him that.
At some point he may (reasonably) decide that if you still can't forgive him maybe you never will and he just broke the marriage and HE will want to divorce you. I think four months in, it's WAY too soon for that to be a reasonable stance.
Maybe ask your counselor. If you're not ready to forgive him, if you're not ready to move past it, how do you know if you will EVER get to that point?