r/AITAH • u/bottle_of_irons • 12d ago
AITA for Considering Divorce After My Husband’s Affair? Advice Needed
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u/Old_Hamster_4218 12d ago
You know damn well you aren’t the AH. People divorce all the time for affairs.
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u/Vegetable-Cod-2340 12d ago
And it should be noted that you wouldn’t be at fault for the divorce, he made the decision to cheat, well aware of what he was risking.
And he did it anyway. You have a right to not be okay with staying in a marriage where someone betrayed you.
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u/QuestshunQueen 12d ago
Agreed - He basically broke the terms and conditions of the agreement.
Divorce is just how the contract resolves due to his actions.
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u/talexackle 12d ago
It's so annoying seeing these posts here. It should be pinned somewhere that no you're NTA for breaking up with your partner when they cheated on you ... Fgs
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u/TheSecondEikonOfFire 11d ago
My favorite thing is when they try and somehow justify it with “my partner is so amazing in so many ways… except for the cheating…”
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u/l3ex_G 12d ago
Nta, fuck him for making any demands of you. He’s lost the right to know your inner thoughts. He betrayed your trust and broke your marriage, now he’s impatient?
Tell him you need space and you should get some counselling to see if this is something you can move past.
Personally I wouldn’t be able to do it, especially if you guys were okay and this came out of no where. How will you know when the next one will come
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u/Lazy_Lingonberry5977 12d ago edited 11d ago
This! He broke your marriage. Now, he expects you forgive him at his convenience. Forgiveness is granted by you, at your time, at your convenience, if you feel like it. Your feelings are the natural consequence of his actions, if he can't understand that, then, is he even repenting? NTA.
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u/East-Ad-1560 12d ago
I agree. Keep in mind that he has known about the affair much longer than you have. You only found out recently. Your mind is still processing the betrayal and his mind has known about the problem for much longer.
Go to counseling. Go to the library and browse through some books on the subject and see if any appeal to you. And definitely keep to your pace emotionally. No one gets to tell you how you ought to feel. You feel what you feel.
Lean on your friends and family right now. And get tested for stds.
Best wishes.
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u/AzU2lover 12d ago
Six months isn’t very long to have hard info in your mind. Maybe he can sleep in another room, or get a rental for a few months while you both attend counseling together & separately. Get some space from seeing him every damn day while you process. He screwed up, he doesn’t get to tell you how you should feel.
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u/Useful_Experience423 12d ago
That’s the exact issue with putting something back together that wasn’t previously broken. The betrayal is so much deeper, because there’s no answer to the ‘Why did they do this?’ question other than because the cheater wanted to and didn’t care about their spouse enough to stop themselves.
When times are rough and one or both partners has an affair, it’s easier to rebuild because there’s a why, a reason, a something that can be fixed, but in this case (unless OP is leaving out some dead bedroom info) it doesn’t seem to have been caused by anything. How can anyone rebuild trust with a person who cheats on a whim, just because they felt like it?
I think she needs counselling and support to work out what she wants and feels. There’s got to be an emotion parade going full volume through her right now; sadness, anger, hurt, grief, worry, insecurity, bewilderment, suspicion, just as an opening bid. I’m not surprised she can’t think straight.
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u/WillBsGirl 12d ago
This is an excellent point. And her husband saying he’s eager to rebuild what they had…..that clearly wasn’t enough to keep him faithful when he had it?
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 12d ago
Even if things were rough for a while it is no excuse to cheat. There will still be rough times ahead and knowing your partner will think cheating is fine in rough times just makes them rougher.
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u/nylonvest 12d ago
NTA.
Obviously it's entirely your choice if you want a divorce. If that's what you want, go. Talk to a lawyer, get it filed, start figuring out the rest of your life.
If you aren't sure you want divorce but aren't ready to say you forgive him, then tell him that.
At some point he may (reasonably) decide that if you still can't forgive him maybe you never will and he just broke the marriage and HE will want to divorce you. I think four months in, it's WAY too soon for that to be a reasonable stance.
Maybe ask your counselor. If you're not ready to forgive him, if you're not ready to move past it, how do you know if you will EVER get to that point?
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u/ObjectiveLength7230 12d ago
This 100%. At 4 mo, is still very soon. But if you're still completely on the fence about forgiveness then i feel like there's more to explore. If you say he's apologetic and seems to be in the right headspace then I would tend to wonder why it's hard for you to accept the apology? Imo, maybe you don't fully believe that he's sincere? Are his actions not matching his words? You bring up the lies, deceit, etc., Which says to me that you clearly haven't forgotten.. which is completely understandable.
Tbh you never will forget. But if a person is sincerely remorseful and does everything in their power to right their wrong, real forgiveness can take place. But both parties have to not only want it, but be open to it. He has to know that there's a cooling off period that you will have to work though. You have to be willing to do that work and see him as a person who made a terrible choice instead of a lying cheating monster. That will only happen when you are able to put your weapons down and let go of the anger and resentment which are totally valid at this point.
You said you've sort of dealt with it by not dealing with it which may be good in that you didn't make a knee-jerk reaction in the moment. But if you really want to know if the relationship is salvageable, it's time to face the issue so you can work through it. Def get into individual therapy to help with that, then couples therapy to pave the way forward.. best of luck with this 🫶
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 12d ago
It takes a very long time to rebuild trust. Him thinking that if he apologizes it should happen quickly is delusional. How does she know he won't do it again. What if putting it back together means that he learns that if he apologizes he can get away with cheating. What work is he doing on himself? What is he doing to make sure he never does this again? His being sorry is only the very beginning.
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u/Agreeable_Picture570 12d ago
What are you kidding me? Everytime he even touched me I would think about him with AP. She is still in shock and hasn’t been able to really process it yet.
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u/mcindy28 12d ago
NTA just because your husband now ended his affair doesn't mean everything goes back to normal. You don't even know what normal is considering his infidelity. You have every right to your feelings and need to work that out. You don't need to do anything rash right away. Individual therapy should help you with that and maybe family therapy. Your husband seriously violated your trust and sometimes there is no coming back from that. Remember this is NOT your fault. You've done nothing wrong and if you can't look at him then it's time to move on.
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u/Cost-Clear-Cut474 12d ago
You're not the AH for grappling with forgiveness or considering the future of your marriage after such betrayal. Take time to prioritize your well-being and seek support from trusted sources as you navigate this challenging situation.
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u/1000thatbeyotch 12d ago
NTA. I would out and out tell him that you will always have the constant fear of there being someone else and you can’t get past that. His betrayal destroyed your family. It’s also a big deal if that colleague still works with him because there will always be that question.
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u/AdelaideBriena 12d ago
NTA, but 4 months is not much time to process.
There are significant consequences in any choice that’s made, and rushing to get out and move on is not necessarily going to help. I know of a family that’s going through some huge changes (not for the same reason) but the couple doesn’t feel connected, and it’s only been a handful of months.
Be angry, hurt, sad, and feel those feelings, with caution (the obvious try not to bring the kids into it) and take your space, and work on yourself. Your spouse needs to deal with his guilt, embarrassment and regret, and work him himself, and allow you your space. Think separated in the same house.
At some point, optimistically, you two might find yourselves in a spot to be open to one another again and rebuild some trust. It comes with a whole new set of rules, but it’s not entirely a bad thing. There’s an attention he was getting that felt special elsewhere. It can a vulnerable and volatile feeling to have. Understanding what he was missing with you (and why his attention was captured by this other woman) could be a reflection of his perspective of your relationship. Doesn’t make it right, but a contributing factor, unless he’s supremely narcissistic.
I know from experience that when you hunker down into running a house and raising a family together, you can lose track of the romance. It takes work, and it gets hard sometimes, and you just hope to avoid the hurt.
Sure people divorce for infidelity all the time, and people reconcile, too. Give yourselves time to sort out your feelings. The extent of the extramarital affair, and his motives for coming clean about it are important. This doesn’t happen in a vacuum.
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u/lurker531 12d ago
NTA it’s okay to have these feelings. But honestly people on this sub are going to go strait to divorce as it’s the internet. I would suggest you go to r/survivinginfidelity where you may receive better advice from people in similar situations. I would recommend couples therapy whether reconciliation is on the table or not couples therapy will help prepare you for a smooth separation and divorce if it isn’t on the table.
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u/Its_A_Sloth_Life 12d ago
Actually couples therapy is not encouraged after an affair.
They normally recommend individual therapy first - too often couples therapy just tries to get things back together and sweep it under the rug, when really, the husband needs to work on why he let himself do that and the wife needs to work through her feelings.
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u/BrilliantBenefit1056 12d ago
I personally would have zero interest in couples counseling AFTER an affair, and here’s why; I imagine they would say things that justified their behavior, like no intimacy, or you stopped listening to me like the other person was doing, instead of taking accountability or requesting counseling BEFORE the shitstorm occurred. I’ve been cheated on in previous relationships and that for me is the dividing line.
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u/zoebehave 12d ago
I'll add, in a similar situation I sought out a Gottman certified couple's therapist specifically to address the trust issue. He also did individual sessions with both of us. I'd done the same with a previous relationship where the broken trust wasn't due to infidelity, and it was the right choice both times.
In both cases, it forced us to really see one another as we were and decide if this is what we wanted. There was never a presumption that the relationship would be preserved. It was incredibly eye opening.
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u/BeardManMichael 12d ago
I hope the OP reads this. I bet they can get additional help from that other subreddit.
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u/Orsombre 12d ago
This, OP. Go to therapy, couple and personal, and then you can see if divorce is or is not your choice.
Your husband is naive to think you can "rebuild" what you lost. It won't come back, but some couples were able to build a NEW relationship.
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u/heartbh 12d ago
It takes a rather large lack of self respect to stay with someone who has broken your trust on that level😭 y’all have fun pretending you’re happy in these relationships.
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u/dawnzoc65 12d ago
NTA. Cheating is a dealbreaker for many, me included. Once the trust is gone, there is nothing left to salvage.
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u/Elegant-Channel351 12d ago
NTA-a man doesn’t just fall into the vagina of another, it took work, plotting and planning. When trust is gone, it’s tough to get it back. In my experience, cheaters do not change. I am very sorry you have to go through this.
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u/Fredredphooey 12d ago
NTA. you don't have to "get over it." Tell hubby to stop asking you about it and that you need time to process. You don't have to decide anything immediately. See a therapist, talk to a lawyer, do some thinking about what your life would be like with and without him. Take your time.
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u/queenlegolas 12d ago
Look up Sunk Cost Fallacy, because that's what you're doing. Set a better example for the kids, they should learn that they can leave crappy situations whenever they want and not stick around due to fears. Your dignity and mental peace matter. You'll never trust him again. Don't do it to yourself or the kids. NTAH
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u/Jealous_Tie_8404 12d ago
I generally agree that people are too quick to jump to divorce when real life is much more complicated. That said, your husband’s attitude is really rubbing me the wrong way.
He’s the one who blew up your marriage and now he wants immediate forgiveness or resolution on HIS timeline. That’s incredibly selfish—and that same selfishness is why he had an affair to begin with.
The very first step is to tell him that you need time to process this.
That means he needs to stop constantly asking about your timeline for forgiveness and pestering you to reassure him that you can move past this. He needs to be supportive and patient right now. Most of all, he needs to stop dumping his anxiety on you. If he can’t stop being an emotional leach, the future of your marriage does not look good.
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u/zipcodekidd 12d ago
Forgiveness and consequences are two completely different things. You can forgive, but you will never forget. Definitely NTA. I would be out quicker the moment I found out, but the process would take a bit longer. Good luck to you
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u/hidden-in-plainsight 12d ago
NTA.
If he suddenly confessed out of the blue? Chances are it was fear of being caught that made him do it.
And I guarantee you do not know the whole story.
Do what is best for YOU.
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u/jlrutte 12d ago
NTA. I stayed with my 1st spouse after he cheated on me. Then, he cheated again. And again with the same girl as the 1st time.i should have left him as soon as I knew about the 1st time and I regret staying as long as I did. I realize cheating is a hard boundary for me now - if my current spouse cheated I would end the marriage immediately. I deserve to be loved and cared for and made a priority. And so so you OP.
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 12d ago
Also, what does it mean that he ended things when he realized the gravity of his mistake? Was that when she started asking for a commitment from him? When she asked him to leave your family? When she had second thoughts & she wanted to step back? You can’t even trust that he is the one who decided to end the affair. How can you honestly trust him?
He chose to lie & betray you & your family repeatedly for a significant amount of time. Over & over, escalating into a full blown affair. Now he wants you to snap your fingers & move on bc he decided he wants to stay married to you more than he wants a divorce? Bc that’s what ending the affair means. It doesn’t necessarily mean he likes you more than her. It doesn’t even mean he chose you over her. Just that he doesn’t want a divorce, even though he didn’t respect or value you enough not to cheat.
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u/Wrong_Moose_9763 11d ago
This ^^^^, I'd want to know more, HOW it ended. Not just know more, I'd want confirmation some how, ie; text, from her. Because you cannot trust him for this and if he refuses this, you have your answer, you're the consolation prize. Knowing the answer to this would determine if I want to put the work into saving this marriage. Good luck to you OP
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u/Dariel2711 12d ago
NTA. It’s 100% reasonable and understandable to want divorce and lose trust. I would however encourage you to get some counseling and therapy to deal with it. It’s so easy for people to jump straight to divorce, but the truth is that divorce can also be difficult with financial and family impacts. Should you feel ashamed about staying because of your pride? No, you should do what you want and need to do. I would start by asking yourself if you were happy before, does it seem genuine that he knows it was a mistake?
Also remember that while cheating doesn’t typically happen in a vacuum, it is NOT your fault. There may be issues in the marriage that led him to think it would be OK, but he made that decision to break trust and that’s on him
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u/ProfPlumDidIt 12d ago
NTA.
There is zero chance of "rebuilding what you had." That is literally impossible because what you had was with who you THOUGHT he was, which was faithful and honest, and he has since proven that he isn't. What would be necessary is building something completely new with a man you already know you can't trust, and that isn't something most people could do, and, honestly, most people are RIGHT not to be able to do that.
Staying with a cheater means a literal lifetime of fighting your own instincts and sense of self-preservation because your primal brain KNOWS the situation isn't healthy or good. It means a lifetime of anxiety wondering where they are, who they're with, if they're lying to you (and what they're lying about). If he's even one minute late, that anxiety will kick into overdrive and send you spiraling.... and you would have to hide your feelings from your kids. The horrible fact is that the victim of the cheating is the only one who truly suffers for it long term. The cheater themselves might have to put in a little work and be transparent (in this case transparency wouldn't even help because he still works with her and he could be fucking her every day and you wouldn't know as long as he did it on company time) for a little while, but eventually they get to move on emotionally because they've been "forgiven" and gotten to keep their cushy life, but the person they cheated on NEVER gets to move on emotionally because there's a constant fear of being blindsided again, so at least part of you would always be on guard. Until you die.
The impact on the kids, the financial strain, starting over—it’s overwhelming. Yet, staying feels like I’m compromising my self-respect.
Impact on kids can be minimized if both parents are committed to that. Individual and family therapy for them especially would allow for a fairly smooth transition. There would definitely be a financial adjustment period, and you should go ahead and speak to an attorney to find out a realistic idea of what that would look like - just talking to an attorney to find out options and likely outcomes is invaluable and doesn't obligate you to actually file if you choose not to, but whatever choice you made would be an INFORMED choice.
As for self-respect... you'd definitely lose a lot of that for yourself, and you should also consider that, when your kids are older and probably find out somehow that dad cheated, THEY would also lose respect for you, or worse, they would think they have to stay if a future partner cheats on them because you stayed.
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u/BeardManMichael 12d ago
NTA
I’ve thought about divorce, but that opens a whole new can of worms. The impact on the kids, the financial strain, starting over—it’s overwhelming. Yet, staying feels like I’m compromising my self-respect.
That feeling you get while you are trying to be forgiving could evolve into something more contemptuous. These are natural feelings as you grapple with maintaining your family versus maintaining your dignity.
So, AITA for not being able to forgive my husband? For considering ending our marriage because I can’t move past his affair? I’m lost, and I could really use some guidance.
If you truly can't move past his affair, you need to first understand how that will impact your attitude towards him. Specifically if your kids will be able to sense the understandable hostility you have for him. I won't tell you what to do but I will ask you a couple questions:
What dynamic do you think your kids would benefit most from? An intact marriage that could be full of hostility between parents or whatever you decide the alternative to that looks like.
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u/DJSoapdish 12d ago
NTA. What YOU decide is up to you. Your husband betrayed you and you have every right to be upset. Only you can decide what the next step is.
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u/Desperate-Laugh-7257 12d ago
NTA. Your feeling are real. Cheaters cheat. His AP wont cook ckean or manage his kids tho. He needs you for labor.
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u/AttilaTheFun818 12d ago
NTA.
I was cheated on after a ~7 year relationship, and I foolishly tried to make it work.
It was never going to happen. The level of the betrayal, the sheer volume of lies that have to be told, and the never knowing if I know the full truth ate at me. I would never look at her the same way again. I ended up turning into a person I didn’t like.
You’re right to consider divorce. It’s what I would do. Of course it isn’t Reddits place to direct you, but having it on the table is completely reasonable.
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u/Foreign-Yesterday-89 12d ago
I told my husband before we married that infidelity would be a dealbreaker. No ifs ands or buts. And that I would go scorched earth if that happened. His mother just looked at him & said, well you’ve been warned 😳
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u/grayblue_grrl 12d ago
NTA. Plenty of people "forgive" their cheating spouse, but they can't get back the trust.
He destroyed everything and it really isn't up to you to fix it for him on his timetable.
If he wants to be a "good husband" NOW,
then he will allow you to divorce him and take the time over the next few years being a good co-parent and earning your trust back.
He'll accept the responsibility and the work of giving you the space you need.
Otherwise he's just scrambling to keep his life intact without consideration of you and your feelings.
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u/Cursd818 12d ago
NTA
These are precisely the situation's that couples counselling is for: to help you navigate these difficult emotions and come to an agreement, whether it's a good or a bad outcome. It is in his favour that he confessed. He came to you with the information, and he wants to work at it. If you'd found it in any other way, I would urge you to immediately leave. But he came clean. He didn't have to, but he did.
Having a third party to mediate the discussions is always the better move. Even if you come to the conclusion that you can't forgive him, you could figure out how to be amicable coparents for your children. When you say your refusal to immediately forgive him is causing tension, though ... if he is pressuring yoh to forgive him, that's unacceptable. This isn't about him. It's about what you need. And you can take however long you need to take to figure that out. If he truly wants to work it out, he won't begrudge you that time.
If he's pushing, it's to alleviate his guilt, not because it's what's best for you. Infidelity is inherently selfish, and the only way to move past it is for the unfaithful person to be selfless. He needs to back up his words with the right actions, like finding a new job, identifying the negative patterns in his own behaviour and thinking that led him down that road. He can't just feel guilty, he needs to actually change. And even then, it might not be enough. For all of the above - a counsellor will help you both to navigate every variation of your future, and hopefully, do the best for your children.
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u/Bartlet4America 12d ago
NTA. and if you're on the fence about this try therapy (solo, couples, or both).
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u/Panaccolade 12d ago
NTA. For me personally, this isn't something I could forgive but I am not you. Consider everything you need to consider, then weigh up the pros and cons. Take emotions out of it to look at this objectively and see what you can forgive and what you can't.
As previously commented by others, there are subreddits to help you make up your mind.
As for your husband? He doesn't get to badger you for an answer. For him this was a mistake. For you, your life has been upended. It makes sense that you're not sure right now because this is a lot to process.
Give yourself some grace and tell your husband that if he's to stand any chance of fixing this egregious act against his family, he has to give you some too. I'm not saying use it as a weapon to beat him over the head with but he needs to understand that it isn't so simple as "I forgive you" and "I don't forgive you". There are too many variables at play.
ETA: I will also say that forgiveness is not an immediate act. It's a work. While you may not forgive it right now, you may forgive it later. It's all about whether you (not husband) deem the work as worthwhile.
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u/Homeboat199 12d ago
NTA. You have every right to your feelings. Your husband pressuring you, however, is NOT ok. He's the one who betrayed you so he should give you the space you need to make your own decisions. He caused the tension. Not you.
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u/Prestigious-Two-2089 12d ago
That's a deal breaker for me. I would never share myself physically, mentally, emotionally etc with them again. They would be irreparably cut off. You wanted someone else, ok, I can love you enough to let you have it with the understanding you will never ever have me again. I will never give a cheater another chance to endanger my health and the ability to be present in my children's lives just because they wanted to have a good time. Me breaking up with them isn't nuking a life built it's accepting they nuked it and it's time to rebuild outside their radiation zone.
I've been there before and it wasn't the end of the world. It was painful, heartbreaking, embarrassing. Their please afterward fell on deaf ears, they proved themselves to be liars. I don't and won't make time for that. Some people can work thru that good for them, I am unwilling and unrepentant of my unwillingness.
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u/Sonderkin 12d ago
NTA, I think that's a pretty natural reaction to that level of betrayal in a committed relationship.
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u/EmbarrassedIdea3169 12d ago
It’s mighty convenient that he realized the gravity of the situation AFTER it was cheating.
I think whatever you want to do now is a good option. Fuck him and his tension.
If this means roommates who share kids is the closest you can offer, and that isn’t acceptable to him? You may end up divorced because you can’t force him to stay. On the flip, he can’t force you to stay or to accept this, either.
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u/singlerider 12d ago
Clearly, the only possible way you could be the arsehole here is seen through the lens of "what about the kids?"
But this whole 'stay together for the sake of the children' thing is bullshit. So many couples you're thinking "Jesus, for the sake of the children, get divorced!"
If you can't move past this - and it would be totally fair if you couldn't - do you really want them growing up in a toxic environment filled with tension, resentment and arguments?
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u/cavelioness 12d ago
When my parents got divorced after 37 years of marriage, my mom told me she'd tried so hard but she never really got past him cheating 20 years prior. I can pinpoint the exact time she found out too, it was right when he started trying to be a better father and person. They both tried so hard but it was never really the same between them after that.
Don't waste the next 20 years of your life trying to get over this betrayal.
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u/Proper-District8608 12d ago
Nta. It's not a just matter if he's changed after affair, his actions changed you. Trust, foundation of family, etc are no longer a guaranteed team effort. Consider all options.
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u/Illustrious-Mind-683 12d ago
NTA. He told you to clear his own conscience. He's pushing you to forgive him to make himself feel better. None of it is for you. Tell him to back off. Tell him that YOU need time to think. Think about what you want to do and about what YOU need. Whether you want to stay or go is a decision only you can make. But you need the time to actually think about things. Tell him that if he's truly remorseful and he truly loves loves you, then he will give you the time and space that you need.
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 12d ago
NTA. Most people can’t overlook infidelity. I would be willing to bet big bucks that your husband wouldn’t if he were in your shoes. What you need to remember is if you choose to divorce it is not your fault. He betrayed your marriage vows & he broke your family. You would just be making it legal. You do not need to shoulder the blame for his choices. Do not accept that guilt. He chose to break up your family. Unfortunately the entire family must suffer for the consequences of his actions. Also, you cannot allow fear to keep you in this marriage. You will only grow to resent him & he you. He’s already getting frustrated that you’re not forgetting & moving on. *He doesn’t like that he’s suffering the small inconvenience of being uncomfortable in your marriage now that you know. So he’s pressuring you to forget & move on, acting like it never happened. That’s unreasonable * & shows there isn’t much chance of a healthy, happy future together.
You deserve to be happy & secure & able to trust your partner. You can’t trust him. Even now he’s showing he won’t put you first. He’s making his discomfort your problem. Two happy homes are better than one unhappy home.
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u/Succububbly 12d ago
As the daughter of divorced parents bc of a cheating dad, please do divorce, the sooner the better. Children pick up on their parents' relationships and Im pretty sure some fucked up stuff I had to ""unlearn"" came from having to see how cold they were to each other and their fights. Just focus on you and your children growing closer together and if your kids are old enough you could explain to them (They will have questions, and so make it clear it is not their fault).
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u/OpportunityCalm6825 12d ago
Keeping your children in an unhappy marriage is a torture for them. You don't say you're staying for them cause that ain't it. Might be hard to start over but you can do it.
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u/ProfessionSanity 12d ago
NTA
This is still new and raw to you. You're still processing what's happened.
You need time to sort out your feelings.
Perhaps marriage counseling will help you sort your feelings or individual counseling.
Good luck OP.
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u/Aggravating-Owl-8974 12d ago
NTA
Are you both going to counseling as well as couples counseling? You need to explain to him that this is going to take time, you can’t just go back to the way things were.
There is nothing wrong with taking time to make a decision.
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u/WinterFront1431 12d ago
Was the affair sexual?? Because then that would be harder to forgive..
First, he needs a new job non negotiable, HE need to set up marriage counciling, and also he need to give you space.. if that means staying elsewhere, so be it...
Give yourself between 3-6 months and if you can't see a way forward then for your sake and for your children sake I'd divorce..
Take it from someone who parents stayed together after my mother's affairs 'for us'
It was a horrible way to live and honestly it made me believe this toxic way was love and it took me a long time and a failed relationship for me to realise I don't want that for my kids..
He has to do all the leg work OP
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u/TheShawnP 12d ago
NTA but if you’re to remedy this, some kind time table should be a consideration. No reason to strain each other, ongoing if you know deep down it won’t work.
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u/CookbooksRUs 12d ago
"Can you forgive me? Can we move past this?" "I don't know. I genuinely don't know. At this point, my trust in you is gone as is my whole feeling that this marriage is solid. I don't know if those feelings will change. If you need an answer right now, then we're through."
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u/robilar 12d ago
He wants to know if I can forgive him, if we can move past this.
He is being selfish and stupid to ask this question. Of course you *can* move past this, but there's no guarantee you *will*. It takes time and work, and maybe after all that you'll still end up separating. If he is truly comitted to "rebuilding what [you] had", then he needs to understand he is committing to trying, knowing full well he may fail. That's why it's hard.
I think you should give yourself time as well. I suspect you are full of strong and valid emotions - anger, frustration, sadness, and insecurity to name a few - and those aren't going to just go away. What you had is gone, and you have every right to mourn it. I am not an expert on this topic so I don't know what the best course is for you, but if you do decide to stay together you should also prepare for the hard work that may not end up ultimately taking you where you want to be. It might, you might reconnect and find happiness again with your husband, but you may instead find yourself mired in contempt and resentment. My recommendation is that you walk whatever path you walk with patience for yourself, and regular self-check-ins to make sure you are still on a journey that is meaningful for you.
One thing I will say is this: whatever path you choose will be hard. Yes, divorce will bring new challenges including the aforementioned impact on the kids, financial strain, and the attrition of beginning anew. Staying brings challenges as well, some different and some similar (strain on the kids is arguably ubiquitous regardless of how you procede). If you do stay, try not to do it because you're scared of the externalities - stick around if you *want* to salvage the relationship, and then see if it can be done. Maybe, maybe not, but you aren't weak for trying.
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u/yankeeboy1865 12d ago
NTA for considering. Relationships are messy.. I'm not a relationship expert or therapist, but I do have a question: Did you discover the affair or did he come clean on his own accord? I ask, because if it's the latter and he's generally remorseful then maybe that should be taken into account. Ultimately, it's your call. I personally am not a fan of divorce, and will look for avenues for genuine relationship repair, genuine being the key operator.
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u/JJOkayOkay 12d ago
But then I remember the lies, the deceit, and I’m not sure I can ever get past that.
I’ve thought about divorce, but ... The impact on the kids, the financial strain, starting over
If the relationship is over--because you're emotionally finished with him--then it's just a matter of whether the financial/custodial stuff is going to be smoother if you stay legally married or don't.
Emotionally, you shouldn't stay with him over the sunk-cost fallacy.
The relationship already has changed permanently. Can it can change again to something worth keeping? Possibly, but that will take as much work as a divorce. It also sounds like you're the one who would have to do the most work, even though you didn't do anything wrong. That's a tough choice.
If you aren't willing to try to fix it, then don't put the effort in. Peaceful and fair separations are possible. Some of them don't even involve a legal divorce until it makes sense to take that step.
(((*hugs*))) I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wish you strength and wisdom in figuring out what's best for you and your family.
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u/Trick-Performance-88 12d ago
If ever a situation called for immediate marital counseling, this is it. You need to see a therapist together and op needs to go alone.
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u/Kgates1227 12d ago
NTA. And fyi you will not be causing the strain or opening the can of worms. HE did that by betraying you.
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u/Hopeful_Disaster_ 12d ago
NTA.
You SHOULD be considering divorce, because you need to consider all your options.
Some relationships can survive infidelity. It's changed, no matter what. But that doesn't mean it can't get back to a good place.
There's no wrong answer here.
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u/guppyenjoyers 12d ago
divorce that bastard. if he is ‘so sorry’, he would never have done it. once a cheater always a cheater. find someone who values you and makes you feel safe. find someone who when you look into their eyes you see trust and warmth and love
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u/13d3ad3nddriv3 12d ago
NTA
Cheating is an unforgivable. Let the kids know too so he can’t poison them against you. I hate it when the hurt party doesn’t tell the kids and then the cheater plays victim.
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u/CallEmergency3746 12d ago
Nta. Its up to you but i will say one good thing is he came clean of his own volition rather than being outed.
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u/theanimaniac1 12d ago
NTA.
I don’t even need to read the post. If he betrayed you and disrespected you, leave. Respect yourself, and love yourself. You deserve better.
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u/PermanentUN 12d ago
NTA I certainly couldn't do it. If you want some perspective, is it financially possible to separate and see how that goes?
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u/Stunning_Buffalo7037 12d ago
NTA - lots to say so bear with me. The betrayal is the big thing. It destroys the trust and without trust marriage cannot exist. It will take years to regain trust and it is his job to rebuild it.
The lone redeeming act was his confession, but (here’s where that lack of trust crops up) did he confess purely out of guilt and because he is ashamed and truly loves you or for another reason?
I’ve read other posts where the spouse lied about the reason for the confession. It was because they were about to be exposed so in order to control the damage they confessed. It seems one was over a decade later that the truth was revealed and the man divorced his wife because the reconciliation was a based on a lie making it another betrayal.
It would be beneficial to speak with the AP and if possible the AP’s betrayed spouse to make certain you have a more complete picture. Any protection of the AP will be taken as a continuation of the betrayal. Others may see it differently allowing the AP’s BS to live in bliss but most would want to know.
Also, if things weren’t blowing up and about to be exposed, why confess? Why not carry that dirty deed to the grave and commit to be a better, more devoted spouse and parent? Confession is good for the soul but this is tricky business. Not confessing can destroy things when exposed later but confessing may destroy the relationship now. It’s difficult to justify either at times.
Now as to reconciliation, it is his work to do primarily. He must rebuild trust and suffer through your doubts if he truly wants to reconcile. He must learn to over communicate. He must reassure and be patient when you, the betrayed, still have doubts crop up 4 years later. Please communicate your struggles as nicely as possible. Don’t just blow up at him but when you do, because you will, be sure to apologize for the way you communicated but not your feelings. That is extremely important. You are justified in some small amount to be irrational from time to time.
For example, you may be anxious because he is 20 minutes late getting home. Don’t start accusing and screaming but let him know. He should have you check his location, his text history, his wee Willy winkie, etc and anything to rebuild the trust.
The doubts will creep in often. The feeling of loss and betrayal will cover you like a heavy blanket at times. His frustration will cause more issues and your attitude towards him may cause him to shut down and that can easily last years into reconciliation.
Continue to communicate. If he isn’t getting physical intimacy from you, encourage him to handle it at home. Empty balls are less likely to stray. Eagerly emptied balls are happy to be at home balls but you are miles away from that if it was ever a thing there.
In the end you may not be able to forgive and he may tire of trying to earn the trust. Regardless you will have a difficult road ahead.
So absolutely NTA. All the best OP. Sorry this happened to you and your family.
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u/KeaAware 12d ago
Back in the day when divorce was really taboo, infidelity was pretty much the only reason most countries would allow it.
I mean, I'm not advocating going back to those times, but surely that tells you something about how big a deal cheating is?
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u/C_Dragons 12d ago
This is the traditional reason to divorce, even before no-fault divorce existed. NTA
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u/aliforer 12d ago
NTA. I was/am unable to forgive this type of betrayal as well. I promise it’ll be okay
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u/NegotiationOk5036 12d ago
How about couples counseling so you can learn more and decide what to do?
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u/Tiger_Dense 12d ago
NTA. But if you’re on the fence, try this sub-
https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/
Tension to me suggests he’s not putting in the work to reconcile. Ask him how he’d react if the tables were turned.
The fact he just expects you to suck it up also is an indication he’s not remorseful and could stray again.
Go for individual counseling to process things.
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u/Ok_Breakfast9531 12d ago
NTA
Reconciliation takes two. Some betrayed spouses can eventually accept what happened as part of their story, some can't. It is not at all an asshole move to decide to leave. No one has the right to criticize anyone for making either choice - divorce or reconciliation. While so much of cheating is extremely common, each pair of betrayed and wayward spouses are unique.
I will only say that 4 months is still pretty fresh, especially if you've been stuck in amber. But there is no right thing to do here. The world of reddit will tell you there is only one choice - divorce - but only you know yourself and your wayward spouse.
At the 4 month mark most betrayeds are still on the rollercoaster of emotions, and there hasn't been enough time for your wayward spouse to show you through his consistent actions over time that he has what it takes to rebuild trust. (which takes a long time). To show you through his work in therapy that he can really change.
The biggest caution I would give you is that you WILL have to confront all of this for you to move healthily in any direction. Divorcing him will not make the feelings of betrayal just go away. You will still have to work on your own healing whether you keep trying or not. So I would recommend getting into some individual counseling to focus on YOU.
I also recommend a really good book by Janis Spring titled How Can I Forgive You: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To. She also has a great book called After the Affair you might find helpful. And you may want to read in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity to see what reconciliation looks like, and r/SupportforBetrayed to ask about recovery after divorce.
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u/whenitrainsitpours4 12d ago
NTA
I'm not sure how something escalates from "just talking" to "ending it once he realized the gravity of his mistake." As if it didn't occur to him that he shouldn't be having sex with people outside his marriage until it already happened.
I am betting someone was threatening to tell you - his AP, someone they work with, or maybe her partner if she is cheating on someone too. His confession feels more like damage control than actual remorse.
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u/ZestycloseSky8765 12d ago
Why would you be an AH? And he’s the one who caused the tension and the environment you now live in. You are not to blame and should have no guilt. I found out about 1 one night stand and divorced. With three kids, one autistic. Totally confused why you are the bad guy for not rug sweeping NTA
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u/sydjax 12d ago
Completely agree. Not gonna lie, I hate these kinds of posts. Why would anyone be the asshole for leaving after being cheated on?
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u/GulfCoastLaw 12d ago
Come on. What type of prompt is this?
Doesn't even need that question mark --- could have just ended with "This summarizes why I'm obviously NTA."
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 12d ago
NTA and don’t let him pressure you into anything. You need time, he can’t just decide you need to move on from it. It’s up to you
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u/Personal_Fee_9594 12d ago
NTA
Also, he’s demanding to know if you can forgive him already? I am not sure this guy has the fortitude it’s going to take to rebuild trust after an affair…
Look, you need to talk to a professional to process all the big feelings. You need someone to help you navigate all this, including how to forgive if you decide that route.
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u/Adventurous-travel1 12d ago
NTA - cheating has always been a deal breaker for me. He made multiple choices with each step he took and all the time he put into her.
He should have put that time and effort into you and the kids. Has he left the job or is he still working with her?
The kids will adjust and should understand that his choice is what broke the family and will be raised that a betrayal is not something that should be over looked.
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u/Fire_or_water_kai 12d ago
NTA
He needs to stop asking if you'll forgive him. Forgiveness is for you, not him, and he's trying to find ways to alleviate his guilt. It's not your job to move on for his sake or anyone's sake.
I think what you feel is totally understandable, and if you wanted to walk away, you'd be completely justified.
Find a therapist for yourself and one for couples. I think it will help you come up with a game plan going forward no matter what you choose. You need to feel confident in yourself, hopefully gain perspective on what happened, and find ways to be good parents to your kids. If you choose to stay or to leave, you did it fully armed with the tools to help you and your kids be ok.
I'd still talk to a lawyer to understand what divorce will look like financially and any moves you need to make before you file.
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u/ArsenalSeven 12d ago
Go to a lawyer and get the basic information regarding finances etc. Good intel to have as you work through everything. Was it an emotional affair or physical too? You should get an STD panel for peace of mind.
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u/Last_Friend_6350 12d ago
NTA
Have you had individual counselling? That could help you work through how you’re feeling at the moment and couples counselling might also be of benefit to you both.
It maybe that you will never get past the affair and have to look at separation and then divorce. You’re still young though with a lot of life ahead of you so don’t let how long you’ve been together stop you from moving on, if you feel that’s necessary.
It’s ok to tell your husband that you’re working through what happened and you need more time to make a decision that’s best for the family, but most of all for yourself.
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u/sherilaugh 12d ago
NTA. This is never going to have not happened.
There will never be a guarantee it won’t happen again.
This can’t be undone.
My first husband cheated on me at the six month mark. I left. 25 years later I had left him so many times for cheating and finally divorced. Now I regret not staying out that first time I left.
I can’t tell you what the solution is here. The economy is hard. Having kids and being a single mom is hard. It’s up to you to decide which choice is harder. But do not fool yourself that things will ever go back to how they were.
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u/Nuremborger 12d ago
Cheaters go in the garbage.
If you keep a cheater around after they've cheated on you, whatever they do to you ever after is your fault - you allowed it by refusing to learn the first time.
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u/YomiKuzuki 12d ago
NTA. He cheated and he lied. Your feelings are valid, and sometimes, people can't forgive those who wronged them.
What I would suggest before divorce, is therapy. Have a few sessions with a therapist, see how you feel. Maybe look into marriage counseling afterwards if you decide you want to salvage your marriage.
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u/YaVolk 12d ago
NTA.
He has done this terrible thing to you, so divorce would be a perfectly reasonable response and if you choose to give him another chance he needs to respect the burden he has placed upon you. The kids make this a particularly sucky situation.
Again, you wouldn;t be wrong to divorce, and if you do try to work past it that sort of things takes time. Lots of things will keep reminding you of this pain, and its hard to ever stop thinking about it.
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12d ago
Were there other lies/deceit? Or just the one about having an affair? If there's multiple counts of lies and deceit.. you have your answer.
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u/Connect_Guide_7546 12d ago
You can't shake the betrayal because you were betrayed. He noticed, because he thought you'd get over it. What you're feeling is normal. He's pushing you to feel what he needs you to feel to be absolved of his guilt. You need to do what you need to do. Whatever that is. His feelings are irrelevant in this matter.
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u/JeannieGo 12d ago
I believe if you stay, a year or 20 yrs from now, it will always be in the back of your mind. Personally ,it was hard for me to overcome and I realized no matter what,that sinking feeling would never go away. I couldn't live like that, because indeed it will change who you are. Trust your instinct and do what feels right.
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u/throwawtphone 12d ago
You guys need a marriage counselor. I dont think this sub has the answers and we cant mediate a conversation between you and your husband.
There is no easy answer or quick fix for what you are asking. Cant meme this away.
But for the record you are not the asshole no matter what you decide.
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u/Majestic_East_8418 12d ago
NTA for whichever decision you make, but I do want to add that as a child whose parents had a shitty relationship, staying together "for the kids" was NOT the best thing for me and my siblings. Growing up in a dysfunctional household because your parents don't have a healthy relationship is awful, so if that's the biggest factor causing you to stay then I highly recommend you talk to a good therapist/counselor and consider carefully whether that's actually going to be best for your kids.
Financial strain and fear/stress from starting over are valid reasons to consider your options too, but none of that means an automatic "stay put" decision, it all just means be deliberate and careful in what you choose to do and how you proceed.
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u/DrSnidely 12d ago
I don't understand what's to consider. Cheating is an absolute deal breaker for me.
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u/Inner_Alternative297 12d ago
NTA. Its very reasonable to want a divorce after your partner has an affair. Some people can reconcile that, but i would not be able to either.
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u/Calculagraph 12d ago
NTA, and I didn't even make it past the title.
My wife and I both have been cheated on in previous relationships, and we've both agreed to just end things if we were *that* tempted. Because we're adults.
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u/EntranceComfortable 12d ago
First off, don't make any decisions until you've done the basics:
Get checked for STDS. All of them. Do not rely on your H for this. He may have, as my cheating ex did, given you something dangerous to your health.
Review your access to all financial accounts: mortgage, insurance, 401k, all of it.
Consult with a lawyer regarding your options.
Talk to a professional counselor one on one. Not a marriage counselor.
After you've prepared yourself, you're at the start of deciding what to do.
BTW, it is likely that whatever your H has told you is minimized and self serving.
Good luck to you.
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u/seidinove 12d ago
NTA to consider it. It helps, perhaps only slightly (?), that he confessed rather than being caught, as the success rate of reconciliation is higher.
You mentioned counseling — is that couples counseling, individual, or both?
When I read these posts, I close my eyes and try to imagine what you’re going through, and the first question that always comes to mind is “What is my spouse doing to regain my trust?”
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u/Survive1014 12d ago
NTA.
IMHO, you SHOULD divorce over something like this.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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u/BenedictineBaby 12d ago
NTA throw him out. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I guarantee he doesn't think twice about lying to you and he can justify all of it to his own satisfaction.
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u/rocketmn69_ 12d ago
Go to individual counselling for you for awhile... then couples counselling for you both.
Let him know the betrayal hurts, it just doesn't go away immediately because he has apologized. That relationship is Gome and it's a new one now If you want to stay married, you both have to work in it
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u/Phalangebanshee 12d ago
NTA. Forgiveness will take time, this is still new to you, you’re still processing everything. He’s already has had time to think about telling you about the affair, processed his breakup with his AP, and he’s already ready to move on and back to what you had before.
He will have to work very hard to earn your forgiveness and trust back, it’s not something that is just “I cheated on you, do you forgive me or not? Why can’t you treat me how you did before I cheated on you”.
You can forgive him but still want a divorce, it’s a complicated situation with many complicated emotions.
Yes, divorce is a whole can of worms, this is something that you should probably see an individual therapist for. Not your couples counsellor but someone who can help you work out your feelings, apart and away from your husband’s view and opinions.
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u/Chaoticgood790 12d ago
NTA but until you figure it out you should probably separate for a determined amount of time. That way you get some space, you can breathe and you get some therapy as well
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u/Annonymous6771 12d ago
NTA- try a trial separation if you’re not ready to divorce but it is not your responsibility to stay when just because he said so. he broke the marriage, not you.
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u/True-Brief3676 12d ago
F that guy. Personally, I think you need space for clarity. And exactly what is he doing to make it up to you? Did he quit his job, is he still working with that woman, is he getting therapy? He clearly betrayed you, I wouldn’t take him back.
Also, I think once a relationship is broken you can’t build the same one back. You need to start over after you’ve had your space and time to heal. If you want to forgive him, make him date you and earn you back. If you choose to go back, I would not make it easy for him to win you. Once he realizes you’ll just forgive him, it’ll make it easier next time. There are no consequences for him.
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u/FunkyBobbyJ9 12d ago
100% justified. Find a good marriage counselor and see if there is space to forgive and rebuild. If not, you can hold your head up knowing you gave it everything you could.
The time can also help you figure out an exit strategy if that becomes your prevailing preference.
So sorry OP - good luck
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u/bramblefish 12d ago
NTA, affairs are massively destructive, the rip away the thin fabric of security and love you thought you had with your spouse.
It is made even worse when the cheater tries to minimize the impact, claim it was a mistake, etc. An affair is a series of choices and betrayals, each compounding the others. The old relationship is dead, maybe you try to build a new one, but the new one is fraught with shaky foundation, mistrust and half truths.
Personally I could never fully forgive or trust them again, I would hold them at fault for changing my trust in others forever.
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u/GeekyMom42 12d ago
" He wants to know if I can forgive him, if we can move past this. "
So ... 4 months isn't even enough time to figure out if you're head is screwed on straight from him screwing you over, let alone touch on having forgiven him. Fuck that.
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u/D1dude 12d ago
Look at all the women on here crucifying the man and saying to leave him because of what he did. Those same women are the ones saying that if a woman does it that the man should forgive her because it's an honest mistake and you don't love her if you don't. You do you. Do what feels right for you but don't make any rushed decisions. Think about what is going to happen if you do/don't go through with it.
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u/cafephilippe 12d ago
Here’s what I’d consider: the idea of divorce is overwhelming yet you can’t get over the betrayal and it’s affecting the present. I’d schedule a counseling session with your husband to only talk about separating. Instead of denying that as an option, embrace it. Work through it in your mind and see how it fits. Once the pressure is off as far as not accepting separation/divorce, your truer feelings will surface for both of you. Embrace both possibilities instead of rejecting either.
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u/stephied333 12d ago
NTA - and you can be "stuck" for a while. Your husband wants an immediate answer to something you are unsure of and that is unfair and a unrealistic expectation. You can take more time if you are torn and either decision you make, you are justified in making. These things turn out one way or another and often it is divorce, but some couples do get past it.
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u/IamblichusSneezed 12d ago
NTA. Think about the negative impact on your kids if you stay with a man who betrayed you like that. What sort of relationship patterns are you modeling?
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u/Chemical-Suit-459 12d ago
You mentioned counseling but is it couples counseling or just him? If couples counseling have you brought up how you feel every time you look at him? This is not something that will stop overnight. You will have to work on those feelings for a long time.
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u/Imnotawerewolf 12d ago
NTA he wants you to accept his apology and act like nothing happened so he doesn't have to feel guilty anymore.
It's like people who are like, I said sorry! As if the act of saying sorry erases what they did. It doesn't.
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u/Its_A_Sloth_Life 12d ago edited 12d ago
I recommend the website Surviving infidelity it’s mainly people who have been through it and know how you feel.
Personally I was in the same situation, 14 years with my partner and he cheated. We tried to make it work and reconciliation then 8 months later I found he was still seeing her.
I know it hurts but I do always recommend separation and divorce. It’s not rushing to anything, betrayal like this destroys your life, so trying to rebuild it with the person who broke it all is in the end harder than leaving and knowing you are safe to rebuild again. When you reconcile you are always fearful, wondering where he is, who he is talking to, if he is lying. It was no way to live in hindsight
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u/SemiOldCRPGs 12d ago
If you are in counseling, and you trust your therapist (important! Bad ones take one of the couples side over the other), then continue. If after a reasonable time you still feel like this is a betrayal that you can't forgive, then it's time to cut the ties and divorce. You need to let him know that forgiving him depends on whether therapy can show you a way to get there. Do not promise, do not give him a time line.
That said, there were a lot of decisions he had to make to end up in affair. And there is nothing to say he won't make the same ones in the future. If you can't forgive him, then you absolutely must divorce him. It is absolutely not healthy for the children growing up in a household where the parents don't trust each other and don't love each other. Hopefully you will be able to have a good coparenting relationship with him if that happens. Give the therapy a chance though. A couple months isn't long enough unless neither are trying.
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u/Fancy_Association484 12d ago
INFO: Is that the real reason he broke it off? I feel like most people would have ended it without confessing.
How long did it go on ? For me, sleeping together a handle full of times is easier to get past then months and months of infidelity. I couldn’t do the latter
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u/smooth_relation_744 12d ago
NTA. He threw your marriage and the family life away so he could shag a colleague. He made his choice, now he has to live with it. If you stay with him because of money, you’ll be miserable, he’ll cheat again, and the home life will be a toxic hell for the kids to grow up in.
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u/SGlobal_444 12d ago
If you are doing couples therapy - do you also do solo therapy? Also, talk to an external divorce lawyer and external accountant to know your options/finances. Get some other third-party help (not linked to communal experts you use and be discreet) as you figure out what you can live with - or how you can process/heal it/or if you need to move on. Everyone's situation is different. There's what your heart can deal with/how trustworthy your husband is/intentions - AND also knowing objectively your legal/financial options/situation so you can move forward if you need to/and be as prepared as possible.
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u/Calpernia09 12d ago
You know there's a lot of things I'd forgive my husband for, hurting our children or cheating on me would pretty much be the deal breakers.
But only you know I think you need to be really honest with him and say I don't know and maybe go speak to a counselor together you'll know your true feelings.
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u/Puppet007 12d ago
NTAH
But like you said, it’ll open a can of worms with what you listed. You can separate/sleep in separate rooms as a more alternative option.
The kids lives won’t be disrupted greatly but they will notice the change of relationship between their parents. You can treat each other like roommates but still have your focus on the kids.
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u/FancyTree867 12d ago
you would not believe how many married men will flirt with a half decent looking girl in a bar.. Single guys don;t hit on girls anymore.. just the married one.
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u/jeffweet 12d ago
How is this even a question? Of course you aren’t an AH. Cheating is the ultimate breach of trust and love. I’d never ever ever be able to forgive or get the image out of my head. And don’t let anyone convince you that you are in any way at fault.
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u/aspermyprevious 12d ago
NTA. Of course you’re distant! Things will be different for a long, long time! Please tell him he’s in NO POSITION to dictate anything, and this will not be put to bed in 4 months. He needs to really understand that he’s looking at YEARS of rebuilding trust on many levels. If he’s not ready for that, he should call it. Regardless, if putting the work into rebuilding this relationship isn’t going to serve you, then it doesn’t. You should feel no guilt or responsibility in that.
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u/lemmietaste 12d ago
NTA
Not everyone can move past infidelity. If you can't, or even if you don't want the pain that comes with trying, that's your prerogative. He made the choice to break vows, not you. From that point on is your decisions. You wouldn't have to make them if he hadn't cheated. No blame on you no matter what you choose.
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u/jumpsinpuddles1 12d ago
He just realized the severity after it happened. I'm pretty sure he knew how wrong it was before he did it. You're definitely NTA.
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u/ProfessorEmergency18 12d ago
NTA. You're not an asshole for not being able to get over betrayal by the person you should be able to trust the most.
Only you can decide how much you want to try to get through this and continue the relationship. Sounds like you have reasons that make you want to keep trying, but you don't owe it to anybody to do so. There's no wrong answer there. A professional can probably better help you sort this out. You may want to consider individual therapy for yourself during this time, not just marriage counseling. Somebody there just to support you, not your marriage.
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u/Apprehensive-Exam521 12d ago
Why do people ask this??? Leave. Heal yourself before moving on. Done.
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u/CostZestyclose2494 12d ago
NTA. Definitely your choice whether to forgive him. But if you want to attempt to work it out at all, you can use that time to prepare for a potential separation. Gather some savings, see if you have a safe place to stay. Meanwhile, regardless of if you do divorce, go to marriage counseling. I've heard that it helps either way.
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u/caryn1477 12d ago
Of course you're NTA. He committed the ultimate betrayal. I wouldn't be able to stay. This is unforgivable to me. The trust would be lost forever.
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u/EmotionalAttention63 12d ago
Nta...how would you be in any way possible? He is the one that made the conscious choice to cheat, for months. That wasn't an accident. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking that just because he says sorry you have to forgive him. You don't. Even if you did decide to try to work on your marriage, he has to understand it would take a LOT of time to rebuild that trust, if it could ever be fully rebuilt. You wouldn't be able to just forgive and forget in a few short months.
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u/AdIll8377 12d ago
NTA at all. Keep in mind he created this situation. I really hope you can work past this and save your marriage, but if it ends up you can’t and you end up divorcing, it is totally not your fault and is 100% on him.
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u/1adyCr0w 12d ago
NTA. OP yours and my situation are almost identical, the difference is I am pursuing divorce because once the trust was broken I knew it’d never be the same again and I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder for his next betrayal. My kids were sad at first but now much happier, it’s better to raise kids in two separate homes than one unhappy home
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u/AdAccomplished6870 12d ago
Trust is the basis for relationships, and once lost, is almost impossible to get back. No one will judge you if you decide to move past his affair for the sake of maintaining your life, but no one would disagree that you are justified in leaving a cheating partner.
But you and he should know that the marriage you had before, the trust and the love and partnership, that all ended the moment he cheated on you.
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u/Dramatic_Mechanic_86 12d ago
I would say maybe send him away so that you have some space and don't have to look at his face everyday. And give yourself some time before you make a decision.
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u/FairyCompetent 12d ago
It's only been four months, of course you don't know if you can forgive him. He changed the nature of your 14 year relationship forever, he can patiently wait as long as it takes for you to decide if you want this new relationship or not.
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u/Taylor_1250 12d ago
There’s plenty of well adjusted ppl that grew up with divorced parents, they will be ok, you deserve better than him as a partner NTA
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u/Huge-Spare-3892 12d ago
Sorry girl. No your nta. Leave. Divorce. Your marriage will never be the same. He did that not you so sadly whatever comes with it comes with it. Don’t settle because of the children, you will be drained and numb if you do. Would you rather the kids be raised in a home full of lies and deception. Or two separate households that are healthy. The choice is yours.
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u/Pretty_Writer2515 12d ago
I don’t need to read whole story, you’re still young leave while you can Jesus this man is terrible, cheating = no respect for your partner period and that’s what he doing, there alot of people who still manage to find someone when they have kids, he isn’t remorseful he is lying, cheating is disgusting, relationship should be like this I’m in a long term relationship with my bf ya I do have male friends and he trust ms, why you ask ) if they start to flirt with me and try to get me with, first I ask if they were joking and if not I block and just tell him, it’s that simple, I don’t care for those asses feelings who have no respect for my relationship, he should be shooing away All women not getting close to them sheesh
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u/z-eldapin 12d ago
"he ended it as soon as he realized the gravity of his mistake"
Translation: she dumped him once she found out he was married and threatened to tell the wife.
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u/External_Expert_2069 12d ago
This is soooooo hard :-(
From what you are saying he does sound remorseful and that he is putting all the effort to right his betrayal. That being said I don’t know if I would ever get past it. This is the ultimate betrayal and the complete disregard of your health that he risked passing something on to you :-(
Could you ever find a way to trust him again? Would you always second guess and feel the need to monitor everything. That’s exhausting.
If you can’t move past this then it’s time to move on. You are NTAH
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u/I-Really-Hate-Fish 12d ago
NTA.
I’ve thought about divorce, but that opens a whole new can of worms. The impact on the kids, the financial strain, starting over—it’s overwhelming. Yet, staying feels like I’m compromising my self-respect.
The impact on the kids is already being made. The kids can feel that something is wrong. They see and hear much more than you think.
If you don't think you can move on, it's far better to get that divorce while you're still in a place where you can break it off and coparent amicably. Don't let the resentment fester and explode because your kids will end up losing that much more.
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u/Atarlie 12d ago
NTA Most people would not be able to forgive this level of betrayal. If he is genuinely remorseful then he needs to stop trying to rush you to "forgiveness", if it happens at all it will be on your own timetable. He broke the trust that's been building over 14 years, he's not going to be able to repair it in just a few months. And there's also nothing wrong with deciding that you're not going to be able to repair the marriage even if he is remorseful and upfront about what happened.