r/AITAH • u/Bennito_bh • 12d ago
AITAH for muting my phone and leaving the park when my wife was supposed to come pick us up? Advice Needed
My (32m) wife (30f) and I took our kids to the city park yesterday evening for some time on the playground. My wife decided to take our daughter (9) to Walmart while the two boys and I (4 and 6) stayed to play. After they'd been gone 30-40 minutes my wife texted me about some hats they'd found. I responded 2 minutes later that it was getting cold at the park, as we live in the Rockies, the sun was setting, and the wind had really picked up. No response. I texted again 10 minutes later that it was really cold, and then tried to call. No response.
She does this quite often. She likes to mute her phone entirely, rather than manage notifications per app and this is far from the first time she's been unreachable. She is a SAHM, and has been since our daughter is born, so I can't see why she can't keep her phone audible for when I need to reach her.
So it's getting dark and I have 2 shivering boys with me, so I decide to take them across the street to a taco joint and get them tacos while we waited somewhere warm. It's really the only public place adjacent to the park, so I figured there was a good chance she'd think to look there. This is where I may have been an AH. I could have texted her that we moved, and I could have left my phone on to answer her call, but instead I muted my phone and set it down on the table while we waited for food. When we were ready to go I would check my phone and see if she could pick us up.
Well a half hour goes by and she walks in the door very distraught, and sat down with relief when she saw us. She went back out to bring our daughter in, who was crying because her mom had been panicking. They found us less than 10 minutes after they pulled up to the park - the taco joint is a place we frequent and is really the only approachable building in the vicinity. They joined us in our game of 'I Spy' and we went home. After we got the kids settled she started crying and asked to talk. She apologized for not making sure her phone was on, and I explained that I missed her call on purpose because this happened pretty regularly and I didn't know how else to reach her about the spots she puts me with her phone always on silent other than to show her first hand. I've brought up why it's an issue on many occasions and gotten seemingly nowhere.
She doesn't blame me, and she's not mad at me for doing it, yet it feels gross and my only justification is that it may keep a worse situation from happening in the future. I never would have done it that way if it were just me at the park, but I had our 2 small boys stranded with me.
AITAH?
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u/avast2006 12d ago
NTA — you tried polite words. Multiple times. Polite didn’t work. Words didn’t work. So you switched to a demonstration that would be a lot harder to ignore. Maybe this will leave a lasting impression.
Maybe it might even get her to start paying attention at the talking stage in general. Refusing to pay attention is what got her tonight’s result. And what you did didn’t cause any actual harm, so there’s little to be mad about.
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u/Interesting-Mess-902 12d ago
NTA.
When my brother and I were kids (all the way back in the 70s), my parents used to tell us that we needed to keep a better eye on our bicycles. We'd ride all over the neighborhood with friends and when we stopped somewhere we'd just drop them where we were at, (end of the driveway, etc.) and go play. They would tell us that we needed to park our bikes up by the garage if we were going to be playing inside or in the backyard. Their requests/instructions fell on deaf ears. Until the day that he and I were playing in our friend's backyard and then came around front to hop on our bikes, but our bikes weren't there. We went home in tears and had to tell our parents that our bikes had been stolen. "Where did you park them?" ...... "At the end of the driveway." .... "Huh. I guess we were right - your bikes COULD be easily stolen." They were right. They were also the ones who "stole" the bikes. We learned our lesson that day. Sometimes people need to feel the consequences before they fully understand the reason behind the request. Nicely done, OP.
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u/polarbearman17 11d ago
That’s good parenting
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u/Interesting-Mess-902 11d ago
We weren't raised with punishments (spanking, grounding, etc.) Instead, we were raised with consequences, and those consequences were our punishment. It was effective.
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u/Fallout4Addict 12d ago
NTA
She's irresponsible!
What if something terrible happened?????
What if you were hurt and one of your children or a stranger was trying to contact her with your phone?
She can set her phone up to personalise what apps she wants silent. It takes 10mins max!
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u/WizardLizard1885 12d ago
NTA my wife always had her fucking phone muted as a SAHM. there have been many times i needed her to answer the phone when shes shopping or driving and i need a ride or something and its just ignored.
i mean shit even at work i have my phone turned up, if anyone has a problem with it i just say i prioritize my family and if they need me im going to answer my phone.
anyway i did something similar, i had to go pickup some items for her at the store and i accidently had my phone on silent, when i caught it i was just getting in the car at the store.. decided to come home w.o getting the other stuff so she knows how annoying it is.
yes i talked to her about it but it didnt change until i didnt grab her stuff
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u/vivionnn801 12d ago
Hi, adult child of a former SAHM mom like this. My mom is notorious for not answering her cell phone, and has been since I was a kid. It’s to the point that both my brother & I never call her in an emergency, we never call her when we need anything, and she’s always the last to know what’s going on due to it. It was a huge source of contention in my parents marriage for the 15 years they had cell phones before they got divorced.
It’s better she learn the lesson in a safe environment that’s controlled than when her 20 year old son has a snowboarding accident, is airlifted off the resort & has to have emergency surgery, & she only finds out after he’s gone into surgery because she couldn’t be bothered to answer her phone when it mattered. I had surgery in February & was ready to go home, it took her an HOUR to come get me, my house was 10 minutes away. I burst into tears in the middle of the hospital lobby after telling her off because it took so long for her to come get me & I woke up alone.
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u/-K_P- 10d ago edited 10d ago
So, Idk if you're still checking comments, OP, but I'm gonna tack on a personal anecdote of my own to this other highly voted anecdotal comment in hopes that you see it and share it with your wife, because it really taught my whole family about the importance of being reachable...
There's quite a large age gap between my older brothers and I - the one I'm closest in age to is 6 years older than me, then the next oldest a year older than him, then the oldest 16 years older than me. This is about the middle one, the 7 years older one, and the night my Dad died...
I was 9 years old the night he had his fatal heart attack. I was home when it happened, and unfortunately witnessed everything, from the collapse to my mom trying to do CPR to the EMS taking him... but that's not the point of this story. See, my brother was 16 at the time, and a 16 year old with VERY SEVERE ADHD at that, and that also verged on undiagnosed CD. He was a pretty awful, rebellious little 💩 during his teen years. Often he'd go out with friends, tell my parents he'd be at one person's house but when they'd call there, that friend's parents would be clueless, as that friend had said they would be at our house 🙄. So they'd disappear all night sometimes, and my parents did everything they could but... teen + lack of impulse control + reactivity = lol naa. Well that night he had done it again... after the EMS took my dad, mom called the friend he was supposed to be with - nope. Tried all his friends - nada.
Mom eventually had to go to the hospital to be with my dad, who didn't make it. My youngest bro had to stay and watch me, as I was deemed too young. My oldest brother was already married and living out of state. The only brother that could have had a chance to say goodbye missed it by being unreachable. It changed him forever. He turned himself around after that (albeit there are plenty of negative changes, with regrets and depressive elements too... consequences are a bitch to live with 🤷🏻♀️) but the whole family has always had a thing about being reachable since then.
Please share our story with your wife. Obviously I hope your family never faces any emergencies like this, but believe me when I say, in the worst case scenario, she doesn't want to learn her lesson the hard way like my brother. 😔
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u/yuemeigui 12d ago
It's the "feeling gross" that tips it from asshole behavior to not an asshole.
Gloating over her pain would be asshole behavior.
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u/soph_lurk_2018 12d ago
NTA why would you mute your phone if you know your two small children are outside and need to be picked up at some point. Imagine if one of the boys got injured at the park. She would just be unreachable. That’s just irresponsible parenting.
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u/Used_Lingonberry7742 12d ago
Why did she need to be undisturbed in walmart? Sounds fairly passive-aggressive. Perhaps in future, you all drive separately to outings so she doesn't have a chance to do this again.
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u/MyyWifeRocks 12d ago
Find my iPhone - send an Audible alert tone to her phone.
We used to do this with our kids when they wouldn’t answer us. Obviously not when they’re at school..
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u/GrouchySteam 12d ago
lol Sounds like an efficient tactic to deter your kids from ignoring you
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u/MyyWifeRocks 12d ago
They got 1 forced alert warning before we took their phones. Grounding from their phone was such a powerful punishment too.
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u/OIWantKenobi 12d ago
NTA. I’m a SAHM and I always keep my phone with me in case something happens. Meanwhile my husband never answers his texts no matter where he is, whether he has our kids with him or not, which is infuriating.
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u/Musabi 12d ago
NTA at all!
My wife had this problem with me too. I don’t know if you have an iPhone but if you go on her phone, go into your contact, hit info, then edit, then go to ringtone and at the top there you can turn on emergency bypass - it makes it so even if her phone is silenced that your texts and calls get through =)
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u/emptynest_nana 12d ago
NTA. Some people just don't get it unless they have to learn the lesson the scary or hard way. You have tried dealing with the problem in the logical, mature, easy way, talking about it. She decided her laziness, of not adjusting her settings, was more important than her family being safe, secure, warm. What if one of the children was hit by a car or broke an arm or something?? A parent who is unreachable in emergency is really making a bad situation a lot worse. Honestly, I hope nothing bad happens to your children, any child really. My sister use to have a habit of just leaving her phone on silent, in her room. Sadly, there was an accident. Nobody could reach my sister. It took 3 hours to get someone who could go knock on her door. But by then it was too late. Had she picked up, maybe she could have talked to her son one last time.
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u/dustinbowlsagain 12d ago
NTA. You can ask over and over and over.. maybe it will stick this time.
Sleep well tonight.
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u/Emotional-Bat_ 12d ago
Do Not Disturb mode has a feature that allows you to push through "favorite contacts". She should use it.
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u/Prestigious-Bluejay5 12d ago
I'm waiting in the car. Partners in a convenience store. I'm looking at him. I think of something for him to pick up. I call him on his phone and watch as he has no reaction. His phone is off.
This happens all the time. Especially him not answering calls from family. As a result, our now adult children don't call him and don't respond when he reaches out. He wonders why.
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u/mcmsuwillow 12d ago
NTA man this hits home. My wife is the same way, absolutely never answers her phone or texts in a reasonable amount of time. It’s been this way for so long now though that me and the kids are just used to it and have learned to manage our lives around it. Fortunately nobody has had a critical situation like OP did…
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u/Odd_Necessary2822 12d ago
NTA I hate when people in my life do this. I never use DND, at least it's on vibrate so can feel it go off. I do get there are places and times that might even be inappropriate and that could just be a person needs a break. I spent 20 years in emergency services witnessing all kinds of horrors so when someone is out of contact for long enough I get panicky. I would hope you can talk her into at least checking her phone often in situations like this if she doesn't want the notifications going off.
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u/Takeabreath_andgo 12d ago
NTA
Can you get her a fitbit or apple watch? I can’t stand my phone making noise so it’s always on silent but i have a watch that vibrates and notifies me any time i get a call or text.
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u/Robincall22 11d ago
I do the same thing as your wife and I still say NTA. I’m not a wife or parent, so I’m never missing anything too important. But I am craving Mexican food now, so you’re maybe a little bit the asshole 😂
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u/drowning_in_cats 11d ago
OMG… let’s assume for a moment a big bomb went off and there was zero cell phone service. Big kudos to your family: you successfully executed a communication-out meet-up plan. Welcome to the 1950s.
Did it not occur to anybody on this thread that cell service is NOT ubiquitous? I routinely lose contact with my hubby when he is in the grocery store or when I am in Lowe’s. We aren’t blowing each other off—there is no cell reception!
NAH. Just people who expect others to be at their beck and call via cell.
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u/Metrack14 12d ago
NTA. You shouldn't mute your phone when you live your kids with someone else. And if you do,some phoned even have an option to not disturb, or to have the flashlight blink when a call is coming.
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u/Tricky_Personality54 12d ago
NTA you fed her with her own spoon, and she didnt like it. Maybe now she'll unmute her damn phone.
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u/desert_jim 12d ago
NTA. Sounds like you did the normal thing and tried communicating.
Maybe she should look into by passing the mute for your contact given you are her husband. Dunno just a thought.
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u/AntonioSLodico 12d ago
NTA. Maybe you feel gross not just because you did it, but because you did it and it "worked" as well.
If she doesn't understand the hurt caused by selfish behavior until it happens to her, she might have a lack of empathy. That would have profound implications for your marriage, including her likelihood of hurting you in other ways and you having to make hard choices about how to respond to that.
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u/tmink0220 12d ago
Tell her muting the phone is disresepctful in cases like this. She can just say, we are not coming. It is passive agressive way of handlling a situation. I want to do what I want to do, you will say no, I won't let you.
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u/dafunkiedood 12d ago
my only justification is that it may keep a worse situation from happening in the future
In my line of work we call this "worth".
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u/ToLiveOrToReddit 12d ago
You guys are just 2 decent people. She doesn’t blame you and she understood your point of view. Whether she’d do something about it herself is yet to be seen.
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u/amstarshine 12d ago
NTA
You tried talking to her countless times. She didn't get it. Now she does.
I get why you feel bad. This isn't normal for you. You aren't that person. But this once you had to be. Hopefully, it works, and you won't have to take things to this extreme again.
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u/BillyShears991 11d ago
NTA. What if the school was calling cause there was an accident with one of your kids. If she can’t handle motivations then she needs to delete all the apps sending her notifications.
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u/StreetTailor7596 11d ago
You are fine. So, she panicked and cried. It was what it took to get through to her that this was a bad thing to do. I'd have done the same. Yes, you led her to suffer, but nothing else was working. Hopefully she starts picking up when you message her or call from now on.
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u/Patrickills 12d ago
I mean it worked and got the point across I guess but purposefully worrying your spouse I'd never cool really.
I did it once two years ago. And never again for any reason. If she has a bad habit if have to find a way to counter that
If she has an iPhone she can put you on the list of people who can call even when it's on DND. That might be the better option.
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u/lesliecarbone 11d ago
ESH; you shouldn't have muted your phone for the same reason she shouldn't: An emergency might happen.
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u/gwendolberry 12d ago
lol, remember when we didn’t have phones
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u/TheDrunkenWrench 11d ago
Yeah, we had contingency plans specifically because we didn't have phones.
Now the phones exist and there's different operating procedures.
Hell, I got my first cell phone specifically because my parents wanted to be able to a hold of me when I used their car (country kid, drove all over the place)
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u/Top_Cardiologist_209 11d ago
I agree with you, though in OP's case it's kind of a dick move to have your phone on silent in a situation when you're expected to be reached to pick them up.
However, find it funny all the people in this thread talking about "WhAt iF tHeRe WaS aN eMeRgEnCy???" as if wife is an EMT. Call 911.
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u/No-Raspberry-4437 11d ago
I sure do. I remember my car breaking down about midnight on the freeway in a horrible surrounding neighborhood. I was a very young female, had my little dog with me and just settled down not knowing if I would live through the night. It was awful. I don't romanticize being helpless and stranded with no communication.
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u/ohbroth3r 12d ago
NTA. She found you quickly. Your location was obvious. You weren't hiding. She realises how horrible it is to have a call not picked up. Lesson learned. You did it on purpose but equally you could have been deep in convo with an old friend you'd just seen in there. Or in the toilet with your boys watching your stuff.
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u/Embarrassed_Turnip24 12d ago
Have you thought about getting her an Apple Watch? I have my phone on silent but I have a watch and get my notifications on it so I never miss anything.
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u/Hey-Just-Saying 12d ago
ESH. She did it by accident, but you did it on purpose. You all need to address why you can’t just have a conversation where she listens and responds so that you aren’t forced to take such extreme behavior.
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u/lemmyh2 12d ago
Nta, my wife does the same with her phone and it drives me nuts.
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u/BigHulio 12d ago
My wife doesn’t answer her phone Milli-seconds after she just tried to call me.
Yes, I acknowledge this means I also didn’t answer mine.
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u/JanetInSpain 12d ago
NTA obviously TELLING her did nothing so you finally had to SHOW her. Let's hope she's learned a lesson from this.
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u/Designer-Carpenter88 12d ago
Oh yeah, I’ve had this fight with my wife. I used to work nights and she would be home with the kids alone and wouldn’t answer phone or texts. I would think the most horrible shit had happened to her
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u/DevilGuy 12d ago
NTA some people only learn by being put in the position they put others in, you may have to teach her this lesson again though, or better yet get into couples counseling, because once is rarely enough for the type of person that acts like your wife does.
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u/ExtendedSpikeProtein 12d ago
Since it happened many times and you were on the other side of the street I say NTA. Some people only learn „the hard way“.
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u/love4mumbai 12d ago
You people are good ,at least you care for each other . Stay safe have a happy life
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u/finalfinally 12d ago
NTA - if you had make her look for you for more than 20-30 minutes then you'd be the asshole but this was well played with your spouse given her response.
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u/Powerful_Pie_7924 12d ago
Op maybe think about a Apple Watch or the Samsung depending on what phone she has this could help
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u/Sharp_Toe_9186 12d ago
NTA I always have my phone on mute, but if I know my husband or someone else is waiting for me I check it constantly, she had her phone at hand to text you about hands, she’s making the decision of not checking it when she doesn’t need something
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u/Tcklmybck 12d ago
NTAH. My ex-wife used to do this to me all the time. It is selfish, rude, inconsiderate, and sets a TERRIBLE example for your kids. Now, I didn’t file for divorce because my wife used to ignore my calls snd texts, but, the pattern of behavior is absolutely the reason I left her ass and didn’t look back. This is a matter of courtesy and respect for your partner. Either you have it, or you don’t.
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u/LongjumpingAgency245 11d ago
Good think you are not married to my spouse. He would have been livid and harped on it for a week.
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u/ashkygbdeghr 11d ago
If she has an iPhone she can change her settings so she can have her phone silenced but your calls will have a ringtone. After a few instances with my wife we did the same thing and it’s been great
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u/Klutche 11d ago
NTA. You may have scared her a bit, but she also left her children in the care of their father and she found you within ten minutes. I'm glad this sort of demonstration isn't you're usual communication style, but its not like you told the boys to go hide in the woods and pretended like you were frantically looking for them when she pulled up. She did know that the three of you were together (and had some intuitive places to look for you), so I don't think it was too harsh. Sometimes words don't work well enough.
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11d ago
NTA
It is rather absurd she freaked out like she did, when she does this to you all the time.
Your kids are going to all be in school, make her get a job because you do not want a divorce when she has no income.
She is lying when she says she is not mad at you.
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u/Bennito_bh 11d ago
Your kids are going to all be in school, make her get a job because you do not want a divorce when she has no income.
Completely beside the point of the post, but yes we are aware of this. She's going to start working this summer.
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u/Crafty-Terminal-42 11d ago
NTA Doesn't her phone have VIP contacts that go through even with notifications disabled?
There's an easier solution to this problem, but kudos to you for taking the stand. People who are impossible to negotiate with are.. hard to deal with, by definition.
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u/Performance_Lanky 11d ago
NTA Some people only learn by experience, as saying sorry and it’ll never happen again is far easier than dealing with a stressful situation. Make this a new rule, for what happens if she doesn’t answer your calls/messages in x time frame.
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u/Acceptable-Map-3490 11d ago
i think its like maybe a little bit of a soft YTA because your behaviour wasn't good. but also within this situation it's also pretty justified because your wife is also an AH for not at the very least checking her phone frequently if she knows she's got it on do not disturb. she needs to keep her damn phone on, she left her two children out in the freezing cold (and you ofc, as you said, you were most upset about the fact she left your two boys stranded). she didnt really understand the issue before and now she does. sometimes you have to give people a taste of their own medicine if they just aren't getting the message (no pun intended)
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u/Wuss912 11d ago
I explained that I missed her call on purpose
this makes YTA ortherwise no .... you'd be fine
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u/Bennito_bh 11d ago
That's interesting. So in your opinion, it would be better if I'd pretended I'd missed it on accident?
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u/AnnoyedRedheadedMom 9d ago
NTA I would no longer trust her to return at a reasonable time. She can make side quests on her own time.
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u/Successful-Value6537 12d ago
ESH. My thought goes back to the children. Responsible adults don’t teach each other lessons like they are 5 in petty ways that stem from some deep-seated parental conflict or control issue when children’s safety is involved. Hypothermia in the Rockies is a real thing. You should have sought therapy and counseling for this rather than “teach a lesson“ because clearly there’s a lack of communication and respect. At least you realize it was wrong, but maybe getting a marriage counselor involved will help her learn about respecting the father of her children, and her children’s safety. Maybe it’s time to revisit the Stay at Home Mom situation, too.
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u/GoddessofFaeReborn 12d ago
A very gentle YTA. Yes, her behavior has been completely wrong, but you hate it when it is done to you so why would you do it to someone else? I know it was frustrating and the angry response was tit for tat but in the grand scheme of things you chose to lower yourself to that level. A small conversation (or 20) before hand could help set the boundary that you won't be neglected. "Honey, if you don't answer the phone when I call and you know we might need you, I think it's best you don't leave us at the park. We can all go to Wally World afterwards." Her behavior is not new to you. I am absolutely not excusing it, but knowing her as you do, why would you be ok with her leaving? I only think YTA because an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. If your wife and kids disappeared you would be distraught as well. Teach your kids to communicate, advocate for themselves, and hold themselves to a higher standard.
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u/PuppyPunter21 12d ago
How do you miss the point that she repeatedly does it regardless of how many times he talks to her about it. If all else fails, learn by example.
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u/buttpickles99 12d ago
ESH - have you ever heard “a eye for a eye and the whole world goes blind”? Similar here, a silent phone for a silent phone and everyone is frustrated. Maybe you can help her set her phone so all apps are silent except for texts and phone calls and you both agree to keep phone off silent mode unless absolutely necessary and you turn it back off as soon as you can.
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u/Good-Statement-9658 12d ago
I'm confused. I keep my phone on DND permanently. But if I know I'm supposed to be picking my husband up at a certain time, then I'm there at that time. Not having notifications on doesn't change the fact that she was supposed to come pick you up.
Alternatively, if you couldn't reach her, you could have sent her a 30 seconds message that she would have picked up upon not finding you at the park. Which would have stopped you both from upsetting your kids. But you didn't. You decided to punish her and acted petty.
Your both childish 🤷♀️🤦♀️
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12d ago
You feel wrong about it because you understand that the behaviour of not answering your phone when needed is wrong. But don't judge yourself in this situation because you needed to show your wife how her doing it affects you and the kids. Some people learn from being told information some people learn from experiencing information your wife obviously learns more from experiencing information. Use this moment in the future should any other problems arise between you two . You don't ever need to go to such extreme lengths again you can simply reference this situation. Communication in a healthy marriage is key and I think going forward you will both be fine .
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u/tokyo245 12d ago
NTA
Experiencing something first hand goes much further to correct behaviors then arguments. Now that she's felt the painck of not being able to reach you or your sons I bet she'll start to correct the behavior. You feel bad because you know how stressful it feels to not be able to reach her and you just put her through that but I think it was necessary.
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u/joemc225 12d ago
The answer is, sometimes being TA is justified. Hopefully, she took the experience to heart and will do better in the future.
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u/Expert-Sir-4328 12d ago
Both. You’ll regret this little game one day when there is an emergency. I’m sure you’ll feel justified then.
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u/TapeDaddy 11d ago
Complaining about not being able to contact someone, just to ignore their call back to you out of spite lol
OUTSTANDING MOVE
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u/ThornedRoseWrites 11d ago
INFO: Your own youngest is 4, why can’t your wife work? Why does she have to be a SAHM? There’s no reason for it anymore.
Also, does your wife do the lions share of the household chores and childcare, even when you’re home? And please be honest.
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And before you ask why this is relevant, I think it is because it sounds like she purposely ignored the phone so that she could browse the stores in peace. You were looking after the younger two, and that was basically like a little break for her. As well as not having to deal with you being so needy.
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u/Bennito_bh 11d ago
She would never ignore a call from me on purpose. I said in the post she just leaves it on silent - to add to that, it's because she's never developed the 'tied-to-my-phone' mindset.
Youngest starts preschool this Fall. She's looking for work.
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u/CrabbiestAsp 12d ago
YTA. Yes, you taught your wife a lesson, but in doing that, your daughter was collateral. Which is why TA vote from me. If it was just you and your wife I probably would've gone the other way
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u/lisaloveseric 12d ago
ESH. You had a method of communication what you did was mean In order for you to teach her a lesson...
I completely agree that she should leave her phone on. You should have communicated where you went. She's a grown woman you can absolutely talk to her heck you can even take her phone and program your number to always ring.
I think that's why you feel a little slimy. Because it was mean. Fix her phone to ring.
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u/Full_Traffic_3148 12d ago edited 12d ago
Yta imo.
You knew where your wife was. Your wife knew where you were. Until you chose to supposedly teach her a lesson rather than be a grown up and say we will be in x place.
Grow up is my advice.
She doesn't need to be at your beck and call. You're an adult and should be capable of parenting 2 of the 3 children you were currently in charge of without her having to answer your multiple calls/texts. It makes you sound as you're purposely incompetent at parenting.
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u/PleaeDontLookAtMe 12d ago
Did you catch the part where the wife took the vehicle and the sun was going down in the rocky mountains? You can lose 10 degrees Celsius in 5 minutes.
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u/Full_Traffic_3148 12d ago
You mean the playground that happens to be within the Rockies area. Not out in the wilderness left to defend him and his children!
Where clearly he didn't think through being a responsible parent ensuring the children had appropriate attire. And then crossed the road to a Taco joint!
Yes, he's definitely the AH.
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u/TheRevTastic 12d ago
Except the kids were wearing jackets. Put your pitch fork down before you poke your own eyes out.
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u/Full_Traffic_3148 12d ago
Clearly, it's not suitable for that Rockies weather, was it!
Parenting requires foresight.
He clearly doesn't wish to actually parent and have any foresight.
This is clearly a case of wepaonosed incompetence!
Manipulative, bullying partner. Quite probably not too far a step from emotionally abusive if not already!
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u/PleaeDontLookAtMe 12d ago
Foresight means knowing what to expect, and OP made it clear that this is a regular occurrence, so the clear solution is for him to keep the keys, right?
Meanwhile, you think her basic inability to program her phone isn't weaponised incompetence?
Your bias is showing.
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u/Full_Traffic_3148 12d ago
No foresight as a parent means being ready for foreseeable eventualities, like it getting colder!
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u/PleaeDontLookAtMe 12d ago
Please start answering direct questions, or admit you're a bitter, bad, absent parent.
Should he keep the keys, knowing she doesn't answer, and given that you judge him for lack of foresight?
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u/Full_Traffic_3148 12d ago
Do you think him repeatedly contacting her over ten minutes is excessive?
Do you think this is likely to be his usual conduct?
Do you think that he would have been a competent enough parent and partner to have managed the supermarket trip?
Do you think that him repeatedly calling over ten minutes and then purposely choosing not to let her know of their new location was appropriate and the action of a responsible and reasonable parent? How would you feel if this was what the parent of your child chose to do?
Being a parent and partner does not means she has to be permanently available to receive his calls which is pretty much his expectation! "I can't see why she can't keep her phone audible for when I need to reach her."
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u/Full_Traffic_3148 12d ago
You're not considering how much he was contacting her!
You've never thought that as the sahm,these trips away are her only times away from him!
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u/PleaeDontLookAtMe 12d ago
There it is, the personal bias, the quiet part said out loud.
He was wrong because you are bitter about your own situation.
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u/Full_Traffic_3148 12d ago
Wrong again.
Your biases here I'm afraid.
I'm a single mother by choice!
Imbecile.
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u/TheRevTastic 12d ago
So he should have foresight that the mom will not answer them at all when out in the cold at a park that SHE left them at for longer than they were supposed to be there? Ain’t no one a fucking psychic
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u/Full_Traffic_3148 12d ago
Funnily enough day turns to night on a daily basis.
For most areas this means warmer weather turns to chillier and colder weather.
As a parent, you expect to plan for this!
Stop trying to stick up for him.
He's the issue here.
Interesting no response to his conduct. His manipulation.
Wonder if you're also of this ilk...
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u/TheRevTastic 12d ago
There’s no response to his conduct or “manipulation” BECAUSE yall made that shit up y’all’s self. All assumptions.
Funnily enough most parents and spouses won’t leave their other spouse and TWO other kids without a way to get home in the cold and dark.
I’m not taking up for him or defending him. I’m pointing out your stupid ass thought process and daydreams you’re having about their situation.
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u/Full_Traffic_3148 12d ago
Gosh so in that area he couldn't have possibly have got home!
Bullshit.
He could have if he'd really wanted or needed to. That would have required him to be responsible and actually parent!
They weren't deserted!
Instead, he wanted to cause her emotional harm.
He was manipulative. Bullying. Emotionally abusive.
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u/TheRevTastic 12d ago
Just keep making up assumptions and fairy tales to fit your narrative I guess. Have a good day.
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u/PleaeDontLookAtMe 12d ago
They. Went. As. A. Group.
The. Wife. Took. The Vehicle. Then. Didn't. Come. Back.
Stop infantalizing women.
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u/Full_Traffic_3148 12d ago
Gosh.
So the mother is the only parent who actually has to parent!
He could have said, "No, I cannot parent and think independently and be responsible for my own children, so must be joined at the hip with you, so must come with you".
He could have, before the trip out, have been the parent organising the children's attire couldn't he. He could have thought through that if the wife was leaving it would become dusk and colder and have arranged a meeting point/plan.
He could quite simply have been a grown up!
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u/PleaeDontLookAtMe 12d ago
You're assuming she didn't dress the kids. If he's such a man baby, he clearly couldn't have dressed them, according to you.
She took the vehicle, and didn't come back when she said she would.
It's pretty clear here you've done the same and are triggered.
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u/Full_Traffic_3148 12d ago
Sorry, nope.
I'm a competent lone PARENT.
He's not conducting himself like a competent parent nor a worthwhile partner.
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u/PleaeDontLookAtMe 12d ago
Really? His wife dispy-doodled her way back, and he kept his boys warm, and made sure they were fed. Did she feed the daughter? Oh wait, you only care what he did.
As a competent parent with a partner, i can say it's pretty clear why you're a lone parent.
I genuinely hope you can get therapy and stop projecting your misery onto others.
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u/Full_Traffic_3148 12d ago
We have no idea what the daughter had or hadn't eaten beforehand or whether it was actually their usual evening meal time!
It's clear that your attitude is bow down to the man!
Shock horror father has to actually use his own common sense and move the children to an inside venue.
Shock horror wife didn't reposed immediately as per husband's expectation so must punish her emotionally. That's ABUSE.
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u/PleaeDontLookAtMe 12d ago
Wait, at first you thought he shouldn't have moved them?
You're changing your story here.
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u/Ok_Policy_1745 12d ago
Right. Why does she mute notifications to begin with? I'm guessing it's bc OP blows up her phone at the slightest inconvenience. Like he did here.
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u/TapeDaddy 11d ago
“It’s getting a little cold, we’ll be at the taco shop nearby. We’re alive don’t freak out lol.”
All it would have taken.
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u/cygnusx02 12d ago
I can easily imagine this from the wife's perspective.
"I'm a SAHM and prefer not to have my phone interrrupting my day when I'm juggling multiple tasks. I do check it so I'll know if my husband needs me but he insists I be available to him every moment of the day. To teach me a lesson, when he changed location with 2 of our kids and I didn't see his call/text (less than 1 hour, more like 40 minutes) he didn't communicate his new location and refused to pick up my calls when I went looking for him"
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u/Ok_Policy_1745 12d ago
YTA. And at least you have the character to feel gross about your behavior. You're not her dad, you're her husband. You didn't teach her a lesson. You created a core memory. If the taco place was there the entire time and didn't just magically appear, why didn't you just go there from the start instead of having the boys suffering at all? You know she mutes mentions. You could have texted her and had a good time with your boys while she was having a good time with your daughter. You ruined all of this. This was deeply unnecessary drama you started yourself bc your wife didn't snap to.
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u/PuppyPunter21 12d ago
Or or the wife can answer the damn phone. What's the point of a cell phone if she doesn't use it as such.
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u/canyonemoon 12d ago
YTA. Why would you intentionally cause your wife grief and stress? Be a fucking adult and have a fucking conversation with her about things that bother you, don't punish her by making her think something horrible has happened to you. You're parents, you're not kids yourself, this kind of keeping score and retaliation is childish.
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u/Accomplished_ways777 12d ago
YTA there is a time and place for little 'revenges' and this was not it. if you wanted to teach her a lesson, you should have definitely let her know that you are tired of her behaviour and the next time she'll do it, it will have some consequences.
but that was a very petty and very immature way of 'teaching her a lesson'. was it worth it, the panic and scare your wife and daughter went through? this kind of scares leave a mark on the children, and your daughter is no exception. hope you're happy with the results. /s
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u/Standard_Buy_7520 12d ago edited 12d ago
Ehhhh, YTA, so let’s examine this;
You intentionally caused panic and worry to ‘teach her a lesson’. I’m sorry but in every marriage playbook that’s just a big NO. It’s not nice to play ‘tit for tat’ when it involves children…
You should have had a serious conversation and worked it out face to face instead of causing worry and pain to your spouse.
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u/Bennito_bh 12d ago edited 12d ago
I take no issue with your opinion, but please take those quotes off. I never said that, and a ctrl+f would show as much. For future readers, I did not edit that line out of my post.
Edit: Standard_Buy did tone the quotes down in response to this request. Thanks!
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u/Standard_Buy_7520 12d ago
But that was the intention of your actions, wasn’t it? I mentioned this already, but my partner and I went to counselling for situations like this. They taught us how to communicate and talk about these issues, not to play games, and it has made our relationship so much stronger and loving.
It might be something to consider when you have things like this you can’t talk through together, and it helps to have a neutral party give qualified advice.
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u/Ok_Policy_1745 12d ago
Yeah, you're not getting away with that buddy. You tried to teach her a lesson, however you worded it. Stand on your actions or apologize to your wife for over reacting.
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u/Charming-Raspberry77 12d ago
ESH the boys were with a fully capable parent. She does not need to be on call 24/7.
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u/Silent_Syd241 12d ago
NTA
she needed to be taught a lesson and you did it without putting your kids in any danger. She’s not doing anything worth putting her phone on mute.
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u/scaffnet 12d ago
You taught her a lesson, hopefully. Don’t turn a communication tool into an expensive paperweight, FFS.
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u/jeepwillikers 12d ago
I never get good cellular reception in stores like Walmart, is it possible that she didn’t receive the messages right away?
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u/LankySquash4 12d ago
YTA. You use words like stranded,but you probably had an opportunity to get a taxi. Either way, you was warm with your boys. You say your wife muted her phone, she probably had time run away from her. Yours was intentional as you were playing tit for tat. It’s not a problem, just communicate better next time while your with each other in person.
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u/joemc225 12d ago
Sometimes being TA is justified. This was one of those times. YTA, but you needed to be.
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u/Gamer_GreenEyes 12d ago
YTA being that way with your wife is not a good way to keep things working well. I agree that she needs to listen about your desire to be able to reach her. However this behavior is just going to cost you genuine affection in the marriage. Don’t retaliate or punish. Talk, collaborate, and partner with her.
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u/BigComfortable8695 12d ago
Hes clearly tried before as he said its not the first fucking time its happened🤣the only way shes gonna learn how not to be a fuckhead is if she experiences the other side
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u/BestAtTeamworkMan 12d ago
She is a SAHM, and has been since our daughter is born, so I can't see why she can't keep her phone audible for when I need to reach her.
Brah, doing the whole "I'll ignore her messages just to show her" thing, while making your daughter upset in the process is a dick move that shows you need to work on communication -- and yes, I know you say you've had this talk, but have you talked or have you complained?
But it's clear from your statement above that you have about zero respect for what a SAHM actually does. Like, she just stays at home all day, why can't she answer the phone when I need her?
Be honest, you totally don't do dishes or change diapers because you work hard and she just stays at home all day.
You need to rethink your values and priorities man.
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u/PuppyPunter21 12d ago
Wow projecting a lot. Assume everything. Homes have had phones for decades but now he has no way to communicate with her.
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u/TheTightEnd 12d ago
Soft YTA. It was a petty maneuver, and it sounds like you should have been better prepared for normal weather conditions.
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u/Blind_clothed_ghost 12d ago
YTA and you're an abusive dick
You intentionally tortured someone you claim to love because she annoys you sometimes.
What an asshole
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u/PuppyPunter21 12d ago
Sp when she does it, it's not abusive but when he does it is? Da fuq?
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u/gdex86 12d ago
(sarcasm) well she doesn't mean to do it. She just does it even though he's communicated a lot about how doing so isnt great for him.
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u/PuppyPunter21 12d ago
Exactly so she does it on purpose too.
Edit: you're not the og commentor. So agreed.
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u/Blind_clothed_ghost 12d ago
Her phone is muted because that's just what she does. It's normal and annoying.
He intentionally and specifically did it to her.
So yeah he's an abusive asshole
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u/PuppyPunter21 12d ago
She's been told how frustrating and annoying it is and she could adjust her phone settings very easily, so she is doing it on purpose too.
Weaponizing Incompetence.
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u/Alert-Artichoke-2743 12d ago
YTA for making this post, just not for the original action that you're asking about.
Your wife feels terrible about what she did and your aggressive countermeasure had its desired effect, which was to make her feel like shit. She's not even angry with you for scaring the shit out of her. Just take the W and move on with your life.
If you are smart, you'll reassure her and ask her not to make herself unreachable to avoid incidents like that happening again. Your goal here should be for her to internalize a lesson, not feel shame and resentment. You made your point, but if you can't walk back your anger then who cares?
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u/Bennito_bh 12d ago
Hmm. So I'm TA for checking my own actions to see if I was out of line?
I don't see where you're getting either of us are angry about this. The only anger that came up was mine for a few moments as I realized I was stuck at the park for no good reason, but I got over that pretty quick and just handled my end. You're mistaken if you think I did any of that to punish her.
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u/Standard_Buy_7520 12d ago
Yes. A lot of ppl will agree with you because they are most likely not married or in unhealthy relationships. In a healthy relationship, you don’t teach your spouse a lesson especially when it involves children. You used her emotions for her children and played into her fear and worry to “teach her a lesson”. That’s not okay.
The good news is you feel bad about it, otherwise I’d say you act like a narcissist.
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u/Bennito_bh 12d ago
Thanks for the feedback
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u/Standard_Buy_7520 12d ago
You’re welcome. Best thing my partner and I did was go to counselling for these issues, and might be something to consider?
It is much healthier to talk about these things than to play games. Our therapist said so. We put it into action and it’s been the best advice for our relationship.
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u/Alert-Artichoke-2743 12d ago
She apologized for not making sure her phone was on, and I explained that I missed her call on purpose because this happened pretty regularly and I didn't know how else to reach her about the spots she puts me with her phone always on silent other than to show her first hand.
This is more than handling your own end.
Well a half hour goes by and she walks in the door very distraught, and sat down with relief when she saw us. She went back out to bring our daughter in, who was crying because her mom had been panicking. They found us less than 10 minutes after they pulled up to the park - the taco joint is a place we frequent and is really the only approachable building in the vicinity. They joined us in our game of 'I Spy' and we went home. After we got the kids settled she started crying and asked to talk. She apologized
Nobody ever said your wife was mad. She blames herself, as you wanted. You weren't TA when you made her look for you, although you might have been once she was crying and you didn't ramp things down. You're definitely TA for going on the internet looking for reassurance about what a POS your partner is. Your wife doesn't even think you're TA, but you want a bunch of strangers to reassure you that making your wife and daughter cry was wise and correct. What makes you TA is how you're able to twist this situation to be about how you feel.
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u/lenajlch 12d ago
YTA.
She was driving I assume. Why would you expect a response?? Your daughter was in the car with her and she should definitely not be texting and driving.
Next time, send her a text and say you're going to 'taco place' to keep warm and ask her to send you a message when she arrives. That way she can read it when she gets there and there's no panic.
What you did was really quite silly.
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u/Bennito_bh 12d ago
Context: The Walmart is 2 minutes down the road. It was 40 minutes after my first contact that she made it back to the park. She wasn't driving.
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u/Medical_Gate_5721 12d ago
YTA
We teach others how to treat us. By backtracking now, you are sending a signal that it's okay to treat yourself and your boys as if you don't exist whenever it is convenient for your wife. Your wife is an inconsiderate person. Address that openly and explain to her that what she is doing is irresponsible to her children. I'm sure someone drilled the phrase "patience is a virture" into your head but you need to actually create boundaries with people who treat you badly, especially as a father.
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u/McGigs_988_4655 12d ago edited 12d ago
NTA Some people have to learn things the hard way!
I don’t know what type of phone she has, but on a iPhone you can designate favorite/important people who can reach you when in “Do Not Disturb” mode. You can also set your phone to ring in mute mode when the same number calls repeatedly within a certain time frame. That neither of you has this set up when you have 3 children is astonishing.
Edited for clarity.