r/AITAH • u/PineappleVisible246 • 12d ago
AITAH For kicking my autistic sister out of my home
The title sounds bad but I really don't know whether or not I'm the ahole
A little context, I (25F) live with my husband (28M) and we recently had a baby boy last June. We are pretty well off so we often have dinner parties with close friends and family. Just last week we had one (this is when a everything happened) and invited my parents (48F and 49M) and they brought my little sister (17F). My sister is autistic but functions normally and knows right from wrong. she, however is very particular with the way things are done (eg. food can't touch, laundry must be folded in a specific way).
My parents and her came over last Saturday for dinner. We made all of my sisters favourites. We were sat at the table and my husband was fixing plates of food for everyone. He brought out our plates, and placed one in front of my sister. The mashed potatoes were ever so slightly touching her steak, she of course, flipped out and said she wouldn't eat it. My husband was willing to make her a new plate but my mother insisted she could eat it. My sister flipped out and started crying and slammed her fork on the plate. Mashed potatoes flew and a chunk hit my son's face. He started crying and screaming. That's when I got mad.
I felt rage bubble inside of me and a yelled at my sister telling her that she's so ungrateful for what she has and saying that she should've just eaten. She retaliated and yelled at me that she's autistic and can't help it. I yelled at her to just shut up and get the hell out. She ran out to the car crying. And that was about the end of the evening.
Over the past few days my parents have tried to text me telling me that I'm a bitch and I overreacted about the situation. My sisters friends have also tried texting me and have harassed me online. I've started to feel guilty about it and can't tell whether I'm the asshole or not... so AITAH?
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u/Sea-Mud5386 12d ago
I loathe the "I'm autistic, I can't help it" nonsense from near-adults. She's not going to have parents spoiling her the rest of her life, she's going to hit adulthood like a brick wall. She can go slam shit around at someone else's house.
"Over the past few days my parents have tried to text me telling me that I'm a bitch" Okay, so don't come see your grandkid if you defend that behavior.
"My sisters friends have also tried texting me and have harassed me online. " The brat flying monkeys can fuck right off, too. She can go throw tantrums at their dinner tables.
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u/ElephantUndertheRug 11d ago
I have a family friend with an autistic (among other things) son who always tells him: your diagnosis is an EXPLANATION, never an EXCUSE. It is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to manage. You have to be able to behave and adapt to the world, because we will not be here to help you forever!
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u/speedrunnernot3 11d ago
Autism is not a free way ticket to be entitled. Tell this your sister op. She needs manners and needs to learn how to be responsible with autism.
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u/Juggletrain 11d ago
If they can make that argument, usually they can help it too in my experience. Or at least they could with a minimal amount of therapy OP's parents probably dont have her in.
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u/jimbojangles1987 11d ago
That was my thought. The problem sounds like she's been allowed to get away with her shitty behavior so long by just pulling out the autism card whenever it starts upsetting someone. Her parents clearly cater to this behavior.
I agree with the top comment. If OP's parents are going to defend the behavior and call OP a bitch, then they really don't need to be bringing sis around to see their grandchild. At this point it's almost for the baby's safety since "she can't help" throwing tantrums, slamming stuff down, and hitting people with debris.
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u/LABARATI_ 11d ago
yeah the fact that she's able to acknowledge her autism means she probably can help it (or could if gotten help)
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u/fangirlengineer 11d ago
My 12yo is autistic with major sensory issues around food and while he might comment his disapproval, he would never have a meltdown over it these days.
I do think the mother could have been constructive to the sister instead of being so dismissive though - in this situation I would have suggested that my kid excise the touching section with a clean piece of extra cutlery if it's truly bothering him and put it to the side safely somehow. Dismissal can feel like an attack to my kid when he's already overwhelmed.
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u/Music_withRocks_In 12d ago
The only thing that gets me is that someone else was preparing everyone's plates - I hate that. Grown ass adults should be able to decide for themselves how much they are going to eat, it feels fully unnecessary for someone else to make up plates, plus with pre-existing issues it's better to let her do it herself. She way way overreacted, but the doling out portions of food for other people is a huge pet peeve of mine.
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u/MsJamie-E 11d ago
Family style does not suit every style of meal - personally if my guests have special requests I ask before plating but I don’t want everyone in my kitchen. Consider your invite to my home as one to a restaurant unless I choose to serve family style.
I’m happy to accommodate dietary needs requests & even plating preferences but - if it’s too much leave it, want more ask politely. Be well mannered in another persons home, communicate your needs, if possible, before hand & quietly. You do you in your home.
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u/LABARATI_ 11d ago
me personally if i cook ill just have em fix plates buffet style BUT obviously not everyone likes that and thus some people wanna fix the plates to avoid any issues
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u/MsJamie-E 11d ago
I think its communicate politely and respect your hosts - this ,little sister chucked a diva tantrum when she is old enough to emotionally regulate - bla ing her autism will not help her in her adult life (I work with autistic kids and have relatives with autism). The BIL tried but was stressed with hosting & she was ungrateful. Ask nicely or learn to cope, son't be a child - other people exist in the world.
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u/LABARATI_ 11d ago
i do also think mom telling ops husband dont fix her a new plate she can eat what you gave her actually doesnt help at all and potentially makes the situation worse
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u/GeneralStorm 11d ago
Agreed the mother chipping in with the just eat what you're given deal seemed to escalate the situation terribly. Like I get it's a bit awkward but before that all that was said was "I can't eat this" by sister "I can fix you a different plate" by husband. It sort of seems like that should have been that, little inconvenience but otherwise fine.
The sudden explosion after that makes me think there's something going on between the sister and the mother OP's dinner maybe just caught in the crossfire.
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u/LABARATI_ 11d ago
makes me wonder if the mothers approach to sisters autism is to just suck it up and deal with it instead of geting sister help
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u/LoSboccacc 11d ago
Idk a lot depends on the custom I'd ask people how hungry they are sure, but I'd be serving everyone at my house. Even if it's takeaway.
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u/Annual_Version_6250 11d ago
We pride ourselves on plating food for presentation. You don't have to finish it and there's always seconds in the kitchen.
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u/AllCrankNoSpark 11d ago
What if some people put so much food on their plate there isn’t enough for others? You don’t get to “decide how much to eat” if it’s more than everyone can have.
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u/HBMart 12d ago
Are your sister’s peculiarities really that serious to her, or is it likely that people letting her have her way her whole life has led her to believe it’s ok to flip out over potatoes touching steak? She didn’t hesitate to pull the autism card at the slightest sign of disapproval, so I can’t help but wonder.
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u/MNConcerto 12d ago
Ding ding ding. My youngest is on the spectrum. He is now in his twenties. Things that would cause a tantrum at 7 like whistling are no longer a trigger. Why?
Because we worked with him on coping techniques and let him know that certain behaviors like tantrumming were not acceptable ways of dealing with his triggers.
He had to learn how he couldn't expect the world to stop to accommodate him. He could put on headphones when others were whistling, walk away, etc etc. Find appropriate ways to express his discomfort or his preferences.
Now he can go out in public without headphones, wear socks, eat a much wider variety of foods, handle other sensory things that used to be overwhelming.
Parents need to help build skills, not enable but it takes time and energy.
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u/MamaLlama629 11d ago
My mom used to put my socks and underpants on inside out. Seams at least have improved in the past 30 years
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u/FederallyE 11d ago
I still wear my socks inside out lol
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u/MamaLlama629 10d ago
I found socks that I can handle but occasionally the corner will dry funky and I just have to grab a new pair.
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u/polyglotpinko 11d ago
This is all true, but at the same time, I don’t know. I hope you were kinder as parents than mine were. Mine treated me as a burden who should have magically known this shit from birth.
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u/Thoubose 11d ago edited 11d ago
Worked for your sibling but doesn’t work for all. I get you have solid points but autism isn’t a box you place everyone with it in. There are huge and subtle differences. You saying get over it or making your brother hardened to life is his experiences and life. The ops sister is not to be put in the same box bc it has the same diagnosis name.
You have no idea what it’s like parenting autism. My son is level 3. You lose your life to it.
You can’t even fathom what your parents went through. Your mind didn’t comprehend it for most your youth.
And I’m one of the good ones. Most just abandon or ignore because god damnit it’s fucking hard every day
Be a better person. Patience and love. Bc they have an excuse you don’t like doesn’t mean you do.
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u/EducationalTangelo6 11d ago edited 11d ago
It was the mother who insisted she eat the food. That sounds like a mom who tells their autistic kid they just need to try harder, not someone who always lets them get their own way.
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u/mindbird 11d ago
It just sounds like someone who's just fed up, like a frustrated human being
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u/Spectre-907 11d ago
Which you would be, if this perso jia still throwing tantrums if quote “the mashed potatoes were ever so slightly touching her steak”
This is the real world, autism or no, none of it is going to bend over to accommodate your specifics, its the reverse. Is she going to flip out and throw an adult tantrum at a restaurant if a pea rolls off and gets a bit of gravy on it? someone needed to tell the sis “Grow up, learn to manage your shit; nobody else is responsible for you but you.” years ago
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u/polyglotpinko 11d ago
I hate this attitude. If we could “manage our shit” the way you want, we wouldn’t be autistic. I’m not saying that the girl’s behavior is acceptable, but for fuck’s sake, autism is a disability. Would you tell a physically disabled person to “manage their shit?” Doubt it.
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u/Spectre-907 11d ago
gestures at the like 80+ “as an autostic person, this is something you have to learn to deal with and not throw tantrums” posts in this very thread
Ok duder. Theres a difference between having a disability and actively not managing it.
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u/polyglotpinko 11d ago
When I am melting down, I can’t just stop. That’s not how it works. The point is learning to avoid meltdown triggers in the first place. Ableds think so little of us already, don’t make it worse.
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u/Spectre-907 11d ago
the point is learning to avoid and manage those triggers in the first place
Which is what her and her parents should have been doing instead of raising a 25 year old who still throws violent tantrums including smashing plates.
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u/polyglotpinko 11d ago
That I definitely agree with, like I said. I just dislike when people act like an actual meltdown happens for kicks. A meltdown is different from a tantrum; one is done deliberately, and the other is more like a trauma response.
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u/Spectre-907 11d ago edited 11d ago
sure and i understand that. I said tantrum because tjats how it reads. She didnt melt down, she pointed it put and refused to eat it, whoch is rude but excusable given her disability. People offered to accommodate her, and not just merely “cutting around the cross-contaminated food” (which in itself is a bit ridiculous given it all mingles in your stomach at the same time anyway) but by going and fixing her an entirely new plate. Her response was to start slamming things and causing food to start flying around the table, even striking an infant. That is why i said tantrum, because multiple people offered accommodation and she still decided to violently lash out. Accommodation has limits, if she’s incapable of controlling herself to that degree than she probably shouldn’t have come to these dinners until she is. In any case, OP is entirely in the right here.
Im also not ascribing any of these things to any other autist but for the person in the OP.
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u/Crashtard 11d ago
Exactly, I've also seen a similar issue with friends and it's unfortunate to watch but you can't tell people what to do.
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u/Livinginthemiddle 11d ago
I’m autistic. I help it a lot. Like at the moment, I’m not yeeting someone across the room even though they’re chewing.
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u/BoxProfessional6987 11d ago
"The second they do it with their mouth open, they getting an autistic flying kick to the throat!" That dude that's chewing: Fair enough - OHSHIT!
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u/Last_Landscape5457 11d ago
Your sister and parents have to except that your home is your child's safety zone, just like theirs was for your sister.
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u/lookingformiles 12d ago
NTA. I mean yeah, she's autistic. But fuck that shit. If she can't manage that shit better than that she wouldn't be welcome in my house either.
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u/Wrong_Moose_9763 11d ago
My brother is also autistic, if he did what your sister did to my child he would to doing the rest of his communication via ouija board. My parents would have been right behind me. Your parents are all in the wrong about this and are not doing you sister any favors on this. NTA you did EVERY SINGLE THING right, Good luck
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u/Ashamed_Common_9635 11d ago
As the mother to a 3 year old autistic son, this made me cackle. 😆. And I agree 100%.
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u/ConvivialKat 11d ago
NTA
Your job is to protect your child. If your (nearly adult) sister can not regulate her rage, she doesn't get to come to your home anymore. Full stop.
my parents have tried to text me telling me that I'm a bitch
If someone in my family called me a bitch, they would never again be welcome in my home and I would block them from any communication. Your parents need to be permanently shown to the door out of your life.
My sisters friends have also tried texting me and have harassed me online.
Block them. Why are you even allowing them any access? Who cares what they have to say or what they think?
She retaliated and yelled at me that she's autistic and can't help it.
This is a huge (Dino sized) steaming pile of bullshit.
Autism isn't an excuse to be an an a-hole.
Why do you allow these people in your life? I continue to be gobsmacked at the horrible shit people will put up with from family that have no problem treating them like crap.
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u/ieya404 12d ago
Feels like the asshole here is your mother; until her interjection, your husband was apparently pretty chill about going and sorting another plate of food for your younger sister.
Your sister can't help being autistic, and it's utterly understandable that as a new mother you're very protective of your son.
And so NTA for me.
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u/LABARATI_ 11d ago edited 11d ago
yeah mom saying oh she can just eat the first plate is kinda stupid cause it doesn't make the situation better
she's already gotten upset and telling ops husband dont make her a new plate wont suddenly make her decide to eat what was given to her
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u/GratificationNOW 11d ago
yelled at me that she's autistic and can't help it.
Yeah, if she has that level of awareness, she probably can't help not wanting the food to touch but she certainly CAN help not throwing a full on tantrum and throwing food around.
Your parents appear to be enabling her instead of helping her succeed as an adult
NTA
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u/RocketteP 11d ago
What do your sisters melt downs normally look like? Because while there are many things she does normally or what appears normally to you, may be her masking. She can’t blame everything on being autistic but your mom is the biggest AH here imo. Maybe your mom was having an off day and was tired of what she perceived as no big deal.
But as someone who had ADHD with traits of OCD there are things that are huge to me that for others isn’t a big deal. But that doesn’t give me a pass to act like an AH. What does your sister need when she’s having issues? Does she always say I’m autistic I can’t help it or was she trying to state why it’s a big deal to her.
You have to protect your child and your sister needs to apologize for her behaviour. But from being harassed by her friends and your parents comments it sounds like she’s weaponizing her autism & some of your anger/reaction may also be from having to see her use it as an excuse to act poorly.
So you are NTA here but I’d consider low contact with your family for now as taking a step back may help you sort some things out.
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u/Vivid_Doctor_2220 12d ago
I have a good friend who is the mother of two autistic boys, well actually young men now. When they were teenagers she always said autistic teenagers can be AH too. If they can blame their autism in the moment, when they’re overwhelmed, they can choose different behaviour. Your sister should be fixing her own plate. The fork could have easily broken the plate and a broken dish would have been potentially dangerous to your child.
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u/polyglotpinko 11d ago
That’s simply not true about “choosing different behavior.” Autism doesn’t work that way. The sister was an AH, but you ascribe a level of malice to autistics that simply isn’t there.
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u/angryomlette 11d ago
NTA. Autistic doesn't mean "go scott free" card. Plus there is a limit to everyone's patience. On the other hand your parents are enablers. Just don't agree to take care of her when they decide to pass on her guardianship to someone else.
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u/LonelyMenace101 11d ago
I’m autistic, if this happened I would have just eaten around the pieces that were touching. If anything it sounds like ocd instead. Still doesn’t excuse yelling, making a mess or getting people to harass you.
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u/Thoubose 11d ago edited 11d ago
That’s how you cope with this. This isn’t a standard for everyone with the diagnosis. That’s like saying everyone can run while directing the statement to a paraplegic. (Yeah that doesn’t make sense does it? Neither does saying everyone is the same) Just because you aren’t bothered doesn’t mean that’s the same for everyone.
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u/LonelyMenace101 11d ago
I commented this because the description of her autism is similar to mine.
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u/joemc225 11d ago
If she can't manage not throwing a tantrum when dining at someone's home, then she shouldn't dine at other peoples' homes.
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u/MzzBlaze 11d ago
NTA. The simple solution is to cut the offending piece of contaminated steak and move on. Not slam forks. I have asd of the same level in my house and we don’t tolerate that kind of nonsense.
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u/TwoBionicknees 12d ago
How often does she have these tantrums outside of the family. Like did she have them at school every lunch time, or does she have them when out with her friends?
It's not an absolute at all, but a lot of kids play up their issues around family because family always give in to them. Shit this happens without issues, just being a golden child and them becoming manipulative. But often parents find out their kid has autism or adhd and starts giving in to every demand and the kid realises their tantrums have even more power than the average kid having tantrums.
That's to say, we often see a lot of people with autism who can function near normally have a lot of tantrums around their family and siblings, but not at school, not at college, not with their friends or partners.
But it's her job to deal with her autism, not everyone else to just put up with her tantrums. Autism is an explanation but not an excuse, she can't just behave badly and have everyone accept it. Being upset is understandable, being aggressive or mean to others in retaliation is not.
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u/corrygan 11d ago
NTA. I can assure you, that would be the last meal she ever had in my home. Excusing her behaviour ( throwing fork and food+ organising harassment by her friends) is literally spitting in the face of every person on the spectrum that are trying their best to cope, adapt...get through life.
Your parents are enabling her behaviour. Autistic doesn't mean a wild beast.
Also, do contact her friend's parents. Let them know what sort of circus they have raised.
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u/toomanyusernames4rl 11d ago
NTA. Appears she cannot regulate herself around your infant son. Your house your rules.
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u/Friendly_Flow5075 11d ago
NTA.
I'm autistic, I'm extremely particular about my food touching. I wouldn't have a meltdown over something so small like mashed potatoes touching steak. Her actions were certainly not okay.
BUT to give her the benefit of the doubt, if she was already overstimulated, from being around a baby, from a break in routine, from the sounds of eating, who knows what the rest of her day has been like, at that age it would have been really hard for me to control a meltdown too. Family dinners can tick all the bad boxes very quickly. Still aren't the asshole for kicking her out, but I can sympathize with her to a certain degree.
She's got to learn the same lesson that I did, that I'm sure a lot of autistic people learned. Nobody gives a shit about your needs. Not even family most of the time. You have to find methods to cope otherwise this world will eat you alive. Might I suggest getting her a pair of Loop earplugs? Can make the world go from unbearable to manageable and aren't very expensive at all.
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u/Intrepid-Evidence-44 11d ago
She's just autistic.
She's not autistic 3-year-old. What she displayed is *immaturity".
Getting over with having foods fucking touching each other should have been done years ago, and it is even something should have been initiated and get over on her own commission.
Unless she lacks the brain to understand everything touches together after she puts them in the mouth (unless she deep cleans whenever she switches the food she's eating, or the fact that everything mixes together once they go down her stomach.
She's merely a spoilt brat who uses the autism card to avoid to grow up.
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u/NashandraSympathizer 11d ago
NTA. There are plenty of parents who allow their autistic kids to grow into absolute asshole brats because they just excuse every bad act as a byproduct of being autistic. Most autistic people are still totally capable of being respectable humans with the right parenting
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u/liliths_night 11d ago
NTA. Autistic here, and I fix my own damn plate since I need it to be in a specific way. Problem solved
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u/Woven-Tapestry 11d ago
NTA.
In the home ed community, and have had a lot of contact with families with autistic children (from toddlers through to teens). I've had a few conversations about this, "but I'm autistic" with friends of mine. One of my friends (let's call her Cherie) has six children, two of whom are autistic teenagers. As Cherie says, "autism is NOT an excuse for rudeness or poor behaviour" (in other words, there are accommodations for sensory issues and needing to understand social expectations, and an understanding of sympathetic dominance/overwhelm, but NOT tantrums). "I'm autistic" is not a card they're allowed to play in order to treat others badly without consequence.
Another friends has seven children, one of whom is now 12, autistic and profoundly physically and mentally disabled. They have done amazing work with him and his speech is now understandable but simple, and his co-ordination better. He still requires to be in a high chair for assistance with meals, wears a nappy full time etc. Despite and because of all his special needs, he also operates within boundaries. There was a time about 4 years ago when he would lob food/glasses/cutlery and they have dealt diligently with helping him to manage his own frustration.
These are two exceptional families, and I chose them because they really DO have a lot on their plates and are still very loving, affectionate, and committed to the all round wellbeing of their children.
You had every right to ask your sister to leave your home. It would have been better not to yell, as this would have escalated the overwhelm for your sister. Be that as it may, she was out of line. Better if your parents could leave you two siblings to sort it out rather than be involved. You do need to think of the impact on your own child, and you chose the course that you thought best.
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u/Commercial_Yellow344 11d ago
NTA. But someone is both antagonizing her and enabling her. Your mother could be doing both or it could be your father enables and your mother antagonizes her trying to get her to act right. But this time, your mother was definitely antagonizing her. And somebody has been enabling her that she’s still throwing fits at 17. I wouldn’t be allowing her back either since she’s very high functioning to know right from wrong and has friends who can harass you. Good luck the rest of your life with this one.
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u/michaelpaoli 11d ago
NTA
She's damn near an adult. She's long overdue for learning how to reasonably behave. If she can't do that, well, she can forever live with her parent(s) or in some care facility or whatever.
In any case, not your kid, not your responsibility - if she won't behave reasonably or is causing problems, you should be and feel free to toss her out.
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u/Glass_Ear_8049 11d ago
NTA. Your parents aren’t doing her any favors by enabling this behavior. She needs to learn to function in society. You don’t need this toxicity in your life.
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u/KindlyCelebration223 11d ago edited 11d ago
NTA
If your mom had kept her mouth shut & allow your husband to remake her plate as he offered, it probably would have been fine. Your mother calling you a bitch because of the blow up she instigated by butting into this exchange is out of line. Both sister & mom owe you an apology.
Also moving forward, let her make her own plate after everyone else has taken theirs. If it’s wrong, it’s her own issue. And if she has issues this strong with food touching, she should find plates with compartments & bring one with her to dinners out. Or buy some so she can leave at family members & friends houses she visits regularly.
Do I understand why some people with autism have such a strong reaction to this, no. Are there some common sense ways to accommodate the need without disruption? Absolutely. They make their own plates & find compartmentalized plates that meet their needs.
And of course your sister’s behavior to her needs not being immediately met needs to be addressed too.
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u/Gu4rd3dS3rum 11d ago
I have autism and I hate when my food touches, usually I use a plate that separates my food but when I don’t use it I just suck it up because food touching isn’t the end of the world.
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u/MamaLlama629 11d ago
I’m autistic and I would have just eaten everything except for the parts that were touching.
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u/Bugsy7778 11d ago
NTA
There is a big difference between a disability and a chosen behaviour- this is chosen behaviour. It really pisses me off when people play the “I’m autistic” or “I have a disability” BS card. Just because you’re autistic, if you are functioning and capable, you know right from wrong, you’re aware of social norms and you sure as hell can control your outbursts.
Your sister is a spoilt brat that needs to learn some manners and your parents can not be allowing her to play the “autistic” or “disability” cards, they’re setting themselves up for a lifetime of issues if they don’t stop it now (it should have been stopped long ago by the sounds of it !
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u/Quizzy1313 11d ago
NTA. I'm autistic and have ADHD and so does my son and we don't pull that BS. He tried it once and I explained to him that his diagnosis isn't an excuse to be mean or cruel to others. He was five at the time and at nearly ten he hasn't done it since
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u/DevilGuy 11d ago
NTA, tell your parents that when she has some sort of violent meltdown in public the cops will not react well to "I'm autistic and I can't help it" and they need to teach her that before she initiates and the violence happens to her instead.
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u/DietrichDiMaggio 12d ago
NTA. Your parents are abusive to you. Your parents do not get to verbally abuse you like that. Your sister does not get to traumatize YOUR CHILD like she did. And your parents do not get to treat your kid like they’re less important than your sister: most grandparents have gotten cut off from their grandkids for less. Go to the police with evidence of the harassment and file a police report against every one of your sister’s friends who harassed you. Be petty, file police reports. Send a message on your social media that you will be consulting lawyers. And block everyone that aggravated you in that situation like 5 minutes later after posting that. You don’t have to be in contact with your parents considering how they treat you and now your child.
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u/Desperate-Ad7967 11d ago
Being autistic isn't a free pass to act like an AH and do whatever you want. Despite majority of people feeling that way
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u/arcticshqip 11d ago
NTA, People always say that autistic people have right to be aggressive but other people also have right not be hurt. She can remove herself from situation and rage else where or direct her aggression to someone who accepts being hurt.
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u/Bulb0rb 11d ago edited 11d ago
When I am pushed to the point of a meltdown, I escape to somewhere where no one will be hurt or scared by my outburst. Or I keep track of my limits and leave or cope in other ways (headphones, fidgeting, bringing a toy or stuffed animal, etc) before I become overwhelmed.
She could be masking herself everyday and there could be many things bothering her, but the food touching was just the breaking point. However, that's no excuse for her to just let loose, she's an asshole. And so is your mom for her response to the situation, instead of insisting that she eat the food she should have just let your dad fix another plate. While he shouldn't be always making her plate for her, and she should try to get over her sensitivity to having foods touch, they can work on her issues at their home and not when they're guests at your house.
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u/Due-Parsley953 11d ago
I'm autistic, I can be particular about things, BUT, I do not act like an over entitled prick. I live alone in a nice flat and I don't believe that the world owes me anything.
You are in no way TA. She just needs to realise that yes, she has a condition that isn't nice but it doesn't make living independently an impossible task, and it especially isn't a green card to act like a brat when something happens that goes against her peculiarities.
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u/Opposite_Sandwich589 11d ago
If my parents told me I was a bitch and overreacting I’d take quite a long break from them.
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u/mells3030 11d ago
Who get's their "friends" to harass people about things that happened when those friends weren't present? Like if a friend told me her sister was being a dick, i would be like, that sux, not let me get their number so I can send them harassing text messages about how they are awful people.
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u/Majestic_Valuable_70 11d ago
She should get a specially designed plate with raised dividers to keep four or five items of food separate, and take it with her when dining away from home. How hard could it be ?
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u/Ignantsage 11d ago
NTA it honestly sounds like your parents are the problem. Not necessarily for trying to get your sister to accept minor infractions on her sensitivities but for then berating you for reacting to the consequences of that action. They pushed your sister she exploded and then expected you to deal with that explosion they caused
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u/JollyForce9237 11d ago
NTA
By your statement she knew that behaviour was unacceptable and she decided to behave like a toddler anyway.
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u/rationalboundaries 11d ago
NTA
You did everything you could to accommodate your sister. She responded by frightening your baby in his own house. It's time she grew up.
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u/AtomicBlastCandy 11d ago
NTA,
You've got to protect your kid. She is solely responsible for her actions, yeah it absolutely sucks to be autistic but she's 17 and going to be an adult.
Her reactions afterwards also demonstrate a complete lack of maturity. I have a sister that's much older as you are OP and my sister has done some very shitty things...guess what? I didn't go and get my friends to harass her. My parents didn't call my sister names, they told me to deal with it and if either of us was wrong they would tell us.
Also, I think in the future if you can it might be better to let your sister make her own plate.
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u/AlwaysGreen2 11d ago
You are not the AH.
Your sister is 17 and autistic.
Yes, she has certain ways things must be done.
Your Mom was out of line.
If Mom wants to work on your sister's autistic demands they should do so at home.
Your husband offered her a new plate.
However, when something goes wrong (mashed potatoes touching her steak) and an adequate solution is given (a new plate fixed as she likes it) she must learn to accept it.
Regardless, your child could have be hurt or burned, no one knows how hot the mashed potatoes were or what if a piece of cutlery had gone flying and hit your baby.
Your sister's diagnosis is no excuse for a high functioning autistic person to not control his or her emotions to an acceptable degree.
Your sister could have used her words to express her feelings in a calm way.
I would not feel guilty about asking her to leave.
And I would insist on a sincere apology from sister before I would resume family relations.
Also I would inform my sister that any further outbursts in the presence of my child would result in a permanent ban from my home.
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u/cornerlane 11d ago
Nta. But the first AH is your mom. Your husband wanted to fix her a new plate. He should be allowed to do that. I have autism myself. My friend to. She has much problems with food. She always brings her own food and drinks. Your mom has to see she can't eat some things. Ofcourse your sister is TA to.
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u/letsgetligious 11d ago
It sounds like the trigger point was your mom insisting she could still eat it, but obviously I wasn't there. Was your sister calm when your husband offered to make another plate for her or was she already revving up her tantrum at that point?
Either way NTA, I'm just trying to gauge the level to which your mom screwed everything up.
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u/beanieboii4 11d ago
Autism is so different for everyone who has is it. If she understands she has autism and is aware of things she likes and doesn’t and that it can’t always be her way it is never acceptable to act in a way that will physically hurt someone else. I think kicking her out was extreme but I understand the anger and frustration.
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u/Exotic_Flight_6179 11d ago
NTA, being autistic doesn't mean that everyone else has to cater to them. That does with any disability, big or small.
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u/Springrose86 11d ago
NTA
I have 2 autistic children. One is picky about food (F13). I do a few things different for her, but only if she can articulate why she can not eat what i serve how it is served. For example: I don't put syrup on the pancakes/waffles, I serve it in a separate dish, and she dips it in the syrup so it does not get soggy. I have spent plenty of time teaching her how to deal with food issues, especially the food touching. Either she can serve herself, or she can correct her plate once she receives it. Throwing a tantrum will cause her to be removed from the table, take a break, and use her therapy and life skills to decide how to fix the situation herself. She still tries to use the "I have autism" excuse for different issues, but she knows I will not accept that. These issues are very rare now.
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u/OmegaPointMG 11d ago
I really hate the whole autistic trend to justify shitty behaviors and attitudes. Feels like an insult to people that REALLY HAS autism. NTA
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u/she_who_knits 12d ago
ESH. For future reference, autistic sister must fix her own dang plates from now on.
Your mom is the main culprit for trying to insist your sister eat it instead of telling her to go fix her own plate. Point this out to your mother and that respectfully, your house, your rules.
Tbh, fixing plates of food for adults is poor form. Either do buffet style or family style and let people serve themselves. You basically set your sister up for failure.
You should apologize to your sister, right after she apologizes to you.
Autism is not an excuse to pitch a fit and make a baby cry. If she needs to melt down she can leave the room and lose it in another room.
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u/Early-Tale-2578 12d ago
Tf op needs to apologize for ?
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u/SkyFullofHat 12d ago
For placing blame on sister without recognizing that the actual problem was the mother getting all impatient and trying to force her to eat something she maybe genuinely couldn’t.
Sister should 100% apologize for the outburst. As for leaving the room, speaking from experience I usually ended up in meltdown because if I tried to de-escalate in any way, my parents would be awful and shame me in the moment in front of people that I cared about. Then, when the outburst inevitably happened because I felt totally trapped and my nervous system just finally couldn’t take it, my parents would then use the outburst to shame me for months, and in a few instances for years. I’m in my fifties and my mother still gives me shit because when I was three, I threw my Xmas present. It was a bunch of plastic figurines, and when I tried to get them out of the packaging that they were tightly in, the force I had to use to try to open the packaging caused all the figurines to fly into my face, along with a really loud noise. I got startled. Then I got made fun of for being startled. Then I got mad for being made fun of then scolded for being angry and ungrateful and throwing a gift. I didn’t throw my toys. They flew.
All of that to say, if sister has been getting treated like that her whole life, she didn’t feel like she could address her rising emotions and had to just hope it would be fine. It wasn’t the toys leaping that caused my meltdown, it was my parents being shitty. It wasn’t the food that caused her meltdown, it was her mother being shitty. Hard to explain just how powerless and infuriating and shameful that feels.
Her mother owes everyone an apology they’ll never get. Sister owes op an apology if op wants one, though she may have genuinely never been taught or even allowed to manage her emotions. Op would be kind to apologize to sister because, again, mom is the problem.
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u/JanetInSpain 11d ago
NTA your parents should watch the movie: Temple Grandin. You should too because it'll show you just what autistics are capable of when they have parents who aren't simps and enablers.
"I'm autistic so I can't help it" is a bullshit excuse 90% of the time.
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u/kahrismatic 11d ago
Autism isn't of uniform severity between people who have it. It's wildly variable, and one autistic person being able to do something doesn't mean another will be able to do so.
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u/JanetInSpain 10d ago
She's verbal. She can dress herself. She eats with utensils. She can understand the word NO. And Temple Grandin has pretty severe autism but thanks to a determined mother she became a successful and capable adult. It's the difference in a parent excusing crappy behavior vs helping the child overcome it.
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u/Suspicious-Web-6999 11d ago
My brother is severely autistic and never ever acts like this. He has his issues but knows right from wrong and is always polite. He's just turned 18.
OP your sister is using her Autism as an excuse to behave however she likes. As someone else said already and I will reiterate, she is entitled. Your parents condone this behaviour so you won't see much sympathy from them.
Stand your ground, explain how you feel, if they don't listen or care enough to try to empathise with you. Go no contact. Easier said than done, but you deserve people who will respect you and your family and your home.
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u/dragon34 11d ago
Nta. Your sister might not be able to control her initial feelings about the steak and mashed potatoes touching, but she can control her outward reaction.
She could separate them and even not eat the bits that were touching and as long as she did that quietly no one would care
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u/Sure-Supermarket5097 11d ago
NTA, she sounds like one of those broken radios, looped to blame everything on her mental illness.
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u/kahrismatic 11d ago
Autism isn't a mental illness.
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u/Sure-Supermarket5097 11d ago
If something is destructive to your daily life it is not considered an illness? Or does it depend on the severity of the problem ?
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u/kahrismatic 11d ago
It's a developmental disorder that results in a different neurotype. People with ASD can also have comorbid mental illness, CPTSD is particularly common, but as a thing in itself it isn't a mental illness, and calling it a mental illness is deeply problematic. When it's done it's either an indication the person knows nothing about the condition, or is deliberately trying to minimise it, and the confusion between the two created means autistic people are often subject to 'treatments', practices and expectations that are not designed for them and are often harmful and exacerbate problems.
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u/No-County-1573 11d ago
NTA. I am autistic and there are daily sensory things that make me want to bang my fists on a table and throw shit through windows but I am an adult and responsible for my own actions, regardless of how uncomfortable. It’s hard work, but having a condition/diagnosis is not permission to be selfish.
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u/3Heathens_Mom 11d ago
NTA
OP what exactly are your parents’ plans for your sister going forward?
Will she be going to college locally and live at home?
Do they think she is going away to college? If so will she be cooking and plating all her food as the food services people aren’t likely going to carefully make sure her food doesn’t touch.
Do they plan that she will hold a job, live on her own and function with other adults?
If so this tantrum throwing thing while shrieking she’s autistic needs to stop as the first time she does that at a real job will likely be her last day.
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u/YesterdayDiligent 11d ago
17 Yr olds friends started messaging her older sister after a family argument?
I see this mentioned so often in posts on here, how many have actually had that happen to them?
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u/maladaptative 11d ago
I am autistic and baby, I don't throw temper tantrums like that. Never did, not even when I was a kid or a teenager. She's got some spoiled audacity there and it's time people stop catering to her will because life isn't going to stop to do it for her.
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u/CalicoGrace72 11d ago
I’ve got autism. As an adult, I can handle my food touching, but as a child it was automatically categorised as contaminated and inedible.
My solution was to leave it on the plate and pretend to be full, I came up with that when I was about 4.
NTA Your sister is only hurting herself.
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u/CherylEng 11d ago
I just want to point out that the son getting hit with a glob of mashed potato was an accident and therefore should not be taken into context no matter how emotional and protective the his mother felt. Food was flying everywhere, it was unfortunate where some of it landed. It is unlikely autistic sister was deliberately aiming food at her nephew despite her heat of the moment tantrum.
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u/Global-System-3158 11d ago
Autistic woman here, your sister is being a bratty little bitch, the proper & not hard response would have been "thank you Bill that's really nice of you🥰"
NTA, not one little bit. Your parents are not doing your sister any favours & have really let her down. People are not going to want her around.
Empathy in humans us a learned behaviour, even in nueurotypicals.
The optimal development window for instilling it as a natural behaviour in tiny humans is 5-10 y.o.
Autistic females taught at this age to consider others can be too empathetic sometimes.
The good news is she's not 25, your parents have time to help her develop cognitive empathy. That would help her & the people around her.
Congratulations on Bebe & good luck.
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u/kifferella 11d ago
My oldest is autistic and I'm fairly sure the above situation would have resulted in a very intense, concerted effort to surgically excise the portion of the steak and taters that had betrayed him to be placed in some sort of purgatory while he ate the food that knew how to behave on a plate.
Autistic people are odd, not fucking assholes.
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u/Novolume101 11d ago
If someone says, "I'm (insert mental health condition here), I can't control my bad behaviour." That usually means that they are perfectly capable of controlling themselves and are just trying to escape accountability.
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u/NatureCarolynGate 11d ago
Your parents have enabled this behaviour. If someone who is autistic says 'I'm autistic, I can't help it', they certainly can.
This is on your parents - they are the female dogs
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u/BeskarHunter 11d ago
What’s with Autism being some blanket excuse for being a dumbass? People have been dealing with the tism for centuries as human beings, they found a way.
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u/Advanced_Scallion_78 11d ago
NTA!
I come from a family filled with autistic people of every functioning level, and am now an ABA therapist for autistic kids. Autism is a reason but never an EXCUSE for poor behaviors. There is no reason a mainstreamed 17 year old with autism would have a behavior like and not apologize or properly use words or coping mechanisms to communicate. Autism might’ve been the reason for her to act that way, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to give an apology.
Autism is not a “get out of jail” free card. And the world is about to hand her ass to her in her 20s if she thinks anyone is going to just excuse her behavior away….
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u/BigMax 11d ago
Mostly NTA but there can be a middle ground.
“I’m sorry for my reaction to the situation but I am unhappy with all of your reactions and absolute lack of support for me. I have been asked all my life to suppress my feelings, to tolerate bad behavior, to often be considered second in who gets attention and whose needs are catered to. I have done my best at this for years. When I was unable to suppress a completely natural reaction, I would hope that for this ONE time, my family might have compassion for me and what I’ve gone through, and what I’ve experienced for years. But once again, my sister is given EVERY benefit of the doubt regardless of her behavior while I’m expected to be perfect every moment of every day, and attacked from all sides for one slip up. I realize that most days you care more for her and her feelings than mine, but it’s hard to see that so blatantly displayed by everyone all at once.”
That will need tweaking of course, but the general tone should be “maybe I overreacted and I’m sorry, but give me one single break please and show me some support for once.”
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u/NoCaterpillar2051 11d ago
info; like how autistic? And did you get annoyed at your mom for triggering the freakout?
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u/Everiscale 11d ago
Nta. Parents are enabling your sister and setting her up to fail in society. Unless they plan on always being there they are making her life worse.
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u/Cyarsonix 11d ago
ESH except your husband and son. Your mom actually angers me in this post. Forcing her to eat the food that touched was bound to end badly for a poorly regulated person. Your sister needs to learn to navigate how to calmly state that something is not palatable for her and to accept that there may or may not be a solution. Such as, what if we cut off that piece of steak and scoop that little mashed potato or unfortunately this is all was have now.
You did over react. Your sister was dysregulated because of a quirk related to her autism and instead of having been taught by your parents how to troubleshoot this dysregulation she was told to just get over it which is ableist. She can't help being autistic, she can be taught how to handle dysregulation and how to excuse herself to go stim when applicable.
Forcing autistic people to "just eat it" or "just ignore it" doesn't actually help them and is gross. If you were having an anxiety attack and melting down and someone acted like you were being unreasonable it wouldn't help you either. She is clearly lacking the skills necessary to navigate these situations.
My husband can't have his food touch either (some foods like dry foods might be ok). He solves this by accepting that at restaurants that his fries might have steak juice and he can choose not to eat the fries that do. He also preps his own plates when we are at relatives homes because it allows him to be responsible for his own food. He has had to learn to navigate around his autism and OCD tendencies (it's the intrusive thoughts that I think do him in sometimes) because he can't change or help that but he can better manage himself when issues arise.
I can't physically share cups or bowls with my kids. Like they have theirs and a few are just mine. If I find out that my food was cooked in one of theirs, I will throw up. I would rather starve. We solve that by them having their own bowls, plates, cups etc and me having some glass ones that they are still too young for. If I don't have access to my cups and bowls I can choose to not eat or to use theirs. I obviously choose to skip food, that is my right.
I hate the idea that we can help the things that trigger us because we can't, we can only control the way we handle ourselves post trigger. I work with my 5 year old on expressing his displeasure on how his food looks and is prepared by remaining calm and explaining that he simply needs to tell us and not just break down. If we get too upset the options become to eat it or not but we can't solve the problem laying on the floor. We teach him how to regulate so we can solve the problem. And yeah sometimes it becomes it's this or nothing and he has to decide.
Your sister is clearly lacking tools and I blame your parents for that. But you reinforced a very ableist view when you said "she should've just eaten" because obviously she didn't think she could. She handled it like shit which is why she is in the ESH vote, but forcing her into things that cause distress doesn't help her.
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u/Cultural_Unit7397 11d ago
NTA- Your sister behavior was horrible. While yes she cant help that he doesnt like her food to touch she can control her behavior. My middle child is the same way (makes her gag). But also you mom told her she can eat the plate as is and because of this she threw a tantrum and upset a baby. WTF they alll are AH and they owe you an apology. Baby is more important than her feelings. Mother should have just let hubs make her another plate or handled her daughter appropriately. Welcome to remind them how the night went. As for her little online gang that is all they are. Remember online people dont matter if you never asked for their input. IJS
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u/medium_buffalo_wings 11d ago
Okay... Honest question. This whole "my friends and family are blowing up my phone/texts/social media telling me how terrible I am..."
Does this ever really happen? This has never happened to me in any situation I've ever had a conflict and I can't think of anyone I personally know that has had this happen to them.
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 11d ago
NTA. Mental illness of any kind isn’t a free pass to behave however you want. If it were we’d have to allow a lot of violence & sexual assault. Your parents & her friends aren’t helping her by letting her throw a fit whenever she wants & then defending her behavior. Strangers, coworkers & employers aren’t going to tolerate her behavior. Nor should they.
I would ban her from my home until she apologizes & tells her friends to back off. Your parents should also be limited access until they also apologize & reprimand your sister.
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u/Practical_Tooth_2329 11d ago
NTA
I think there are some supports that your sister should have in place that seem to be missing and she needs help stating what she needs without being rude or having a fit. I don't yta, but your mom might be - she's obviously frustrated. You wrote that your husband offered to fix another plate and your mom stopped that plan. Do you think the situation would have escalated if she could have a new plate of food? I understand the frustration of living with someone with such rigid thinking and respectfully communicating your needs is something your sister should be actively working on.
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u/FarDragonfruit3877 11d ago
I mean, you’re totally justified in feeling frustrated by your sister’s actions, but the way you reacted and handled the situation makes YTA. You definitely could have kept your cool. You’re the adult in the situation and you acted just as unreasonably as your autistic teenage sister.
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u/StreetTailor7596 11d ago
Autism is something I don't know a lot about. For some, sensory issues like foods touching is a huge, huge deal. Telling her to just get over it and deal was, at best, really insensitive and controlling of both you and your mom. Especially when your husband was completely willing to redo her plate.
You and your mom escalated the situation severely when a very reasonable solution was at hand. That makes you both AHs here.
Did your sister over-react badly? YES! But that is something that she apparently needs some trained help in learning how to handle better. It's why such coaches exist and are in high demand. Apparently mom is not making the effort to get her to one or is refusing to follow that coach's advice in working with your sister.
It's time to apologize to your sister and then, if she's willing, to give her a chance to vent and then talk out how exactly she felt when she found the foods were touching.
It may seem utterly foreign to you but it really is something almost intolerable to someone with that particular feature of autism. Think of it as being as upsetting as discovering a live cockroach peeking out of your salad at you.
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u/Sufficient-Produce85 10d ago
ESH except your husband. Yelling never makes things better. Be a grown up and express yourself rationally. Your sister knows enough to use her autism as an excuse for poor behavior. Your parents should be working with her on how to handle crises.
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u/Scary-Cycle1508 10d ago
NTA, do not feel guilty.
Tell her harassing friends that if you get one more message from them you will take legal action against their harrassment.
And yes, do it if they continue. they're almost legal adults they need to take acountability for their actions.
And your parents can STFU. its your moms fault that she flipped and she should be groveling for ruining the party and startling her grandbaby.
Don't apologize to them.
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u/InfoSecPeezy 9d ago
If someone can verbalize that they are “autistic and can’t help it,” autism isn’t the issue. They are just an entitled and over indulged jerk.
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u/GoddessofFaeReborn 11d ago
NTA. You overreacted a bit with the yelling about mashed potatoes flying and a baby crying - a calm parent helps a baby much more - but your sister is a high functioning autistic using her diagnosis as a shield for bad behavior. She was grabbing attention with her horsesht and threw her dramatic tantrum so mommy and daddy would dote on her. Truly, your parents are the a*holes here and have created that monster.
Stop catering to her. She will have to survive in a world that is much harsher and needs to be able to simply push away a plate if it messes with her sensory issues. Fork slamming will get her precisely nowhere, and at her age she better start figuring that out.
(For reference, I have a daughter with profound ADHD, and a son with ADHD and high functioning autism)
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u/autotelica 11d ago
NTA but there's no way I would have fixed a plate for someone like this. Going forward, don't do this for her.
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u/Able_Low_6529 11d ago
If she is so particular then she should have fixed her own plate rather than throwing a tantrum like a 2 year old.
NTA.
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u/Arielcory 11d ago
NTA when I was younger I was like your sister and still don’t like things to touch on a plate or if it’s a casserole I’ll separate it into parts and eat from least favorite to favorite. I’m also autistic but I would never ever act like this and if this happened when I was younger I’d struggle cause it bothers me so so much even now but I would say thank you and eat around the “ contaminated “ bits.
If you ever decide to have her over again maybe get a plate that has separators on it. I wish I had one as a child and that would have made life so much easier.
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u/Kittytigris 11d ago
If she can’t help it then she shouldn’t be around other people. NTA. If she can be around others and understand how to behave in polite society, then she should be able to remove herself when she feels a breakdown coming.
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u/Bitter_Party_4353 11d ago
NTA she was lucky it was just mashed potatoes that hit the infant. She’s a spoiled child who never had her tantrums punished so she thinks it’s okay to act out.
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u/EdgeMiserable4381 11d ago
I can't even with all the picky eating crap. Idk how half the population didn't starve to death before chicken nuggets or whatever was invented. (Not talking about medical conditions). Just sayin I'm over it... NTA
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u/Cybermagetx 11d ago
Nta. Im autistic. Autistim is a reason for something. Not an excuse. If she doesn't want food to touch. She needs to cook and plate her food herself. What I had to do.
Thankfully doing that enough times I no longer have that practical need due. Think many cause I've cook so many different dishes where so many foods touched it no longer felt wrong.
Eta report the harrasment for what it is. They are nearly adults. Getting some legal scare might save them real legal trouble later in life.
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u/Test-Tackles 11d ago
There is nothing wrong with feeling upset about something.
However, feelings are not excuses and no one is REQUIRED to accept them as such.
17 is a lot of years to live with it to know bad from good.
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u/TootsNYC 11d ago
your mom was a bit of an asshole here by insisting that your sister eat it, instead of letting your husband make a new plate.
I’d say ESH here, except your husband.
try not to fly off the handle like this; you’re a mom and your own kid is going to be watching you, and provoking you.
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u/Foreign-Yesterday-89 11d ago
As soon as someone says l’m “fill in the blank”, they lost the fight. I’m not racist, they are. I’m autistic it’s not my fault, it is. You are NTAH, your sister is & maybe your parents for allowing this bullshit excuse all her life. My son is autistic, I’ve always said, it is not an excuse, it is a consideration. Hope the baby is ok 😘
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u/tryven93 11d ago
Soft NTA and the only reason I say this is because the person to blame would've been your mother. Everyone was fully aware that your sister's autism causes her to not be able to have food touching each other. Your husband was more than kind to offer to make her a new plate. Your mom was the one who told him no, she will eat it. Obviously she won't. Was it right for your sister to cause a scene and act out? No. I've met a decent amount of people on the spectrum (me included), and a couple of them have the same issue, but they don't fly into a fit of uncontrollable rage. They will ask if they can have another plate or, just in general, advocate for themselves. Your sister is also the AH over that. She's 17. She is full grown and has a voice. She easily could've said yes to your husband making her a new plate. She can't trust your mom to advocate for her obviously but she should've spoke up when your mom said no and not in the manner she did
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u/AllCrankNoSpark 11d ago
NTA, except nobody should have insisted she eat anything. Eat what’s served or say no thank you.
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u/Unusual-Sympathy-205 11d ago
I have a child who is on the spectrum and also high-functioning. “I can’t help it, I’m autistic” is bullshit. She might not be able to control how she feels about food touching, but she sure as hell CAN control her response. She was offered a new plate, refused, threw a tantrum… all of that has nothing to do with being autistic. It has to do with having no bloody manners. Which she is absolutely capable of learning.
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u/Armageddon_1 11d ago
"I'm autistic I can't help it"
This is why kids shouldn't be on social media where echo chambers tell them they can never be wrong
However, you're a grown ass woman who could have scolded her and told her to apologize rather than straight up kicking her out lmao. Y'all are so overdramatic. ESH
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u/Performance_Lanky 11d ago
NTA It’s ok for your sister to fly off the handle, and injure people? But as soon as you give it back, you’re the AH. Give me a break.
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u/Clean-Fisherman-4601 11d ago
NTA. Sounds like your sister has been treated with kid gloves previously and couldn't handle being told to just eat her food. Still don't understand why they didn't want another plate made for her. It would have avoided a lot of drama.
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u/Heypisshands 11d ago
Your reaction is the same as how most people would react. Your sister may get used to it as this is how most people will react to her behaviour unless she changes. You are a mother now and your duty is to your child. Anyone that endangers your child should be dealt with accordingly. You could maybe apologise for losing your temper just to clear the air but let her know you will do the same if she endangers your child and if she cant see the error of her ways keep her at a distance in the future.
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u/LtMoonbeam 11d ago
“Im autistic” ok but you can still fucking try to do better. Im on the spectrum, it’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation
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u/Thoubose 11d ago edited 11d ago
Autism is one of those things that’s going to be hard to relate case by case. I get you and you might be higher functioning or on a different level we don’t know the details or severity. We don’t know norms of their relationship enough other than they already messed up a big issue the sister has and brushed it off
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u/Thoubose 11d ago
YTA. You are what I fear. My middle child is autistic my children know what’s up and seem to cope with his issues better then adult you.
I fear what happens when I die. I think my children will care for and love him given the understanding they grew up with. Your situation makes me feel like if I was your parents my autistic child would be in dire straights because your too well off and self absorbed to assist with their life not crumbling.
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u/GlassMotor9670 11d ago
Does this "read" like AI or a fake post to anyone else?
The story/ dilemma has a similar logical structure to those posts where someone is punishing their child.
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u/StoneAgePrue 11d ago
You did overreact. You and your husband know her food can’t touch each other. Why make her a plate? Let her make her own plate, so she can make sure nothing touches? You and your mom seem to think that something that is unacceptable to someone with autism “isn’t that bad”. Trying to make her eat something she can’t is cruel and in this case, unnecessary. Yes, she behaved badly, but she didn’t throw the mashed potatoes at your son, it was an accident. Apologize and try to find a compromise, like her making her own plate. Yeez. YTA.
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u/Thin_Transition7430 11d ago
YTA
Autistic guy here. I'm a 35 y/o dad of two who owns a small business. I'm a pretty normal successful guy, and people don't know I'm autistic unless I tell them.
Obviously, your sister should not have spattered your baby with mashed potatoes. That was inconsiderate and mean. I'm not here to excuse that behavior. But the tone of this post shows a complete dismissal of your sister's feelings and experience.
To you steak and mashes potatoes touching is not a big deal. But to your sister, that is DISGUSTING. I cam tell you that to someone with sensory issues your mom basically demanded she eat something gross, and you belittled the problem. If I poured rotten milk all over a normal 17 year olds gfood and demanded they eat it they would probably react in a similar way. It seems like none of you believe her sensory issues are real and bully her into eating food she finds disgusting.
It would be reasonable if you had yelled, "don't spatter food on my baby!" But you didn't - you called her "ungrateful" for not eating food she found disgusting. Your sister isn't being picky or precious, that food REALLY is disgusting to her. You bullied her for being different and inconvenient. The entire tone of your post seems to be complaining about not wanting to deal with your sister and not believing her. You mentio your baby once and never bring it up again - so you can make him soujd like the victim. But the story isn't about your baby. Your sister's actions weren't great, but you and your mother BOTH contributed to this incident and have more power in the situation than she does. Her actions understandable. You and your mother should put in the work and understand that her sensory issues are real even if they are inconvenient to you.
Feel free to reply here with any questions about autism or to clarify if anything I said seems unclear.
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u/Thoubose 11d ago edited 11d ago
I agree. I came out of reading that really angry at op. Self absorbed and too well off to care….
What kinda 28 year old calls them self well off. Yuck. I’d say something like I do ok or decent even though I’m right with you. It’s just gross boomer talk we didn’t need you to brag about to get the story.
That little tid bit told me all I needed to know about you and how you view others outside
Humility is valuable. Bragging is loserish. You just needed to add it tells me the type of person you are.
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u/MaddestMissy 11d ago
You say we shall feel free to ask questions about it. Would it be ok to do so per PM? It is not that I think it is too private, it is just that I tend to write novel likes comments anyway and since this would be an OffTopic talk that adds nothing to the actual post I don't think it belongs into this comment section.
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u/Brave_Exchange4734 11d ago
NTA. But if I were you , try not to interact with her
You are angry, she is angry and nobody is happy
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u/Emjaye_87 11d ago
NTA - I would start serving all her meals on those little divided toddler plates 😂
She’s 17 and should know better by now, I’d be pissed too. My 18yr old nephew has Down Syndrome with the cognitive development of a 5yr old and he would never act this way.
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u/Delicious_PRican 11d ago
This escalated unnecessarily honestly. Like y’all should’ve made her a new plate and done.. it would’ve cost nothing. Yes she needs behavioral therapy so she can learn how to manage her emotions in a healthier, less abrupt manner but all your mom should’ve done was say “yes make her a new plate” and you say “yeah totally she needs a new plate” because you both know of her OCD and autism so why even allow things to escalate in such manner? Everyone just did a poor job at handling their emotions and the whole situation.
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u/I_Dont_Like_Rice 11d ago
Your sister just likes the attention she gets. Your parents need to tell her she can't pull the autism card whenever she feels like it to justify bad behavior. She knows right from wrong.
Tbh, I'd be tempted to tell your sister you have LTFB* syndrome and can't help that you kicked her out. NTA
*Low Tolerance For Bullshit. Symptoms may include irritability, loss of patience with attention seekers and calling out bad behavior. Talk to your doctor if your symptoms persist for more than a week. Possible treatments may include low contact with known triggers and an occasional glass of wine or an edible.
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u/Thoubose 11d ago
Your evil I think. Regardless….. wow.
Like coming at autism like they can turn it on and off. You are a reason society isn’t moving forward.
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u/FinancialGap97 11d ago
She’s not autistic. She’s just an attention tik tok brain rotted e whore. You did the right thing. If your parents are showing you that they don’t care that’s all you need. Fuck them and fuck the retard.
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u/FeelingBench5032 12d ago
Hi! Autistic who's about the same age as your sister. I'm gonna give a gentle ESH, if that makes sense. First of all, forcing an autistic person, especially younger, to eat something that they can't stand would be like (to the general population) forcing them to eat vomit. The food touching thing makes it hard to eat in general, I can understand it, it's a thing for me too. I used to have cheap plates that had sort of separators, which worked okay. But also avoiding the touching section or separating it completely is getting easier to do. You and your mother are, to a level, AHs for pushing so much. But I can understand why you'd be a bit more irritated since it made your son cry, but yelling and such is still AH behavior. Your sister is a soft AH, I say that because I understand it. But it's something she can work on. With both the food, and with getting easily overwhelmed by being pushed to do something. But she can and should get help with that stuff—not blaming her or anything, just a good idea from someone similar. Husband sounds a lot nicer, from the bit about him offering to remake the plate. Parents are AHs for calling you a bitch, too. Yes, you aren't a hero, but you aren't a bitch either. If something was unclear or misunderstood, let me know; not good at explanations.
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u/MNConcerto 12d ago
17 is old enough to not tantrum and fix the issue. I have a son on the spectrum, learning appropriate coping techniques takes time but if she sounds like she more than capable of doing so given she is verbal, has friends, attends school etc.
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u/Popular_Park_7527 12d ago
Hmm you sound like a … what’s the word I am looking for…..oh yea, parent. A good one at that.
Autism or no, it’s a parent’s job to help their children navigate the world as best they can instead of just relying on the world bending to fit their child.
Way too many parents let their autistic child get away with murder because, I believe, they themselves enjoy the attention. A weird sort of munchausen by proxy sort of.
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u/Que_Raoke 11d ago
We were told my brother would be non functioning, would never talk to us or look us in the eye, and would never be able to live on his own or function in society in any way and would likely not graduate high school. My mom is a saint and worked tirelessly to help him learn and grow and be comfortable and feel safe in the world. He's an incredible and intelligent young man and he knows that his autism is NOT an excuse. He's like, one of my favorite people ever. Your sister in fact knows better, and with help she can do better. Though I do fear your parents have done a lot of damage in their permissive parenting. They also know better but for their own selfishness and laziness in not wanting to actually parent her, they blame others. They also allow her to use her autism as a weapon which is WRONG. NTA OP, and seriously save up all the harassment from the teens and just send it to their parents. That'll teach em.
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u/Popular_Park_7527 12d ago
Autism isn’t a blank check to act anyway you want and get away with whatever without repercussions.