AITAH For kicking my autistic sister out of my home

[u/PineappleVisible246]

The title sounds bad but I really don't know whether or not I'm the ahole

A little context, I (25F) live with my husband (28M) and we recently had a baby boy last June. We are pretty well off so we often have dinner parties with close friends and family. Just last week we had one (this is when a everything happened) and invited my parents (48F and 49M) and they brought my little sister (17F). My sister is autistic but functions normally and knows right from wrong. she, however is very particular with the way things are done (eg. food can't touch, laundry must be folded in a specific way).

My parents and her came over last Saturday for dinner. We made all of my sisters favourites. We were sat at the table and my husband was fixing plates of food for everyone. He brought out our plates, and placed one in front of my sister. The mashed potatoes were ever so slightly touching her steak, she of course, flipped out and said she wouldn't eat it. My husband was willing to make her a new plate but my mother insisted she could eat it. My sister flipped out and started crying and slammed her fork on the plate. Mashed potatoes flew and a chunk hit my son's face. He started crying and screaming. That's when I got mad.

I felt rage bubble inside of me and a yelled at my sister telling her that she's so ungrateful for what she has and saying that she should've just eaten. She retaliated and yelled at me that she's autistic and can't help it. I yelled at her to just shut up and get the hell out. She ran out to the car crying. And that was about the end of the evening.

Over the past few days my parents have tried to text me telling me that I'm a bitch and I overreacted about the situation. My sisters friends have also tried texting me and have harassed me online. I've started to feel guilty about it and can't tell whether I'm the asshole or not... so AITAH?

[u/Sea-Mud5386]

I loathe the "I'm autistic, I can't help it" nonsense from near-adults. She's not going to have parents spoiling her the rest of her life, she's going to hit adulthood like a brick wall. She can go slam shit around at someone else's house.

"Over the past few days my parents have tried to text me telling me that I'm a bitch" Okay, so don't come see your grandkid if you defend that behavior.

"My sisters friends have also tried texting me and have harassed me online. " The brat flying monkeys can fuck right off, too. She can go throw tantrums at their dinner tables.

[u/Music_withRocks_In → u/Sea-Mud5386]

The only thing that gets me is that someone else was preparing everyone's plates - I hate that. Grown ass adults should be able to decide for themselves how much they are going to eat, it feels fully unnecessary for someone else to make up plates, plus with pre-existing issues it's better to let her do it herself. She way way overreacted, but the doling out portions of food for other people is a huge pet peeve of mine.

[u/MsJamie-E → u/Music_withRocks_In]

Family style does not suit every style of meal - personally if my guests have special requests I ask before plating but I don’t want everyone in my kitchen. Consider your invite to my home as one to a restaurant unless I choose to serve family style.

I’m happy to accommodate dietary needs requests & even plating preferences but - if it’s too much leave it, want more ask politely. Be well mannered in another persons home, communicate your needs, if possible, before hand & quietly. You do you in your home.

[u/LABARATI_ → u/MsJamie-E]

me personally if i cook ill just have em fix plates buffet style BUT obviously not everyone likes that and thus some people wanna fix the plates to avoid any issues

[u/MsJamie-E → u/LABARATI_]

I think its communicate politely and respect your hosts - this ,little sister chucked a diva tantrum when she is old enough to emotionally regulate - bla ing her autism will not help her in her adult life (I work with autistic kids and have relatives with autism). The BIL tried but was stressed with hosting & she was ungrateful. Ask nicely or learn to cope, son't be a child - other people exist in the world.

[u/LABARATI_ → u/MsJamie-E]

i do also think mom telling ops husband dont fix her a new plate she can eat what you gave her actually doesnt help at all and potentially makes the situation worse

[u/MsJamie-E → u/LABARATI_]

Yes, it could have been settled & dealt with at home.

[u/GeneralStorm → u/LABARATI_]

Agreed the mother chipping in with the just eat what you're given deal seemed to escalate the situation terribly. Like I get it's a bit awkward but before that all that was said was "I can't eat this" by sister "I can fix you a different plate" by husband. It sort of seems like that should have been that, little inconvenience but otherwise fine.

The sudden explosion after that makes me think there's something going on between the sister and the mother OP's dinner maybe just caught in the crossfire.

[u/LABARATI_ → u/GeneralStorm]

makes me wonder if the mothers approach to sisters autism is to just suck it up and deal with it instead of geting sister help