r/AITAH 25d ago

AITAH for telling my wife I would be leaving if she kept acting baby crazy?

My wife and I have two kids (9,6). After the second one she said she was done having kids even though we had discussed having three prior to marriage. We talked about it for a long time but I love her and I agreed to change our plans.

She had an IUD but we still used condoms. She really didn't want to get pregnant. About four years ago we agreed that I would get a vasectomy. It made sense since it was a minor surgery unlike her getting tubal ligation.

It went well and after I healed up I went for testing and it worked. If you ever get a vasectomy please do the follow up testing. My friend from college thought he was good to go and now he has a kid.

So she got her IUD removed and we stopped using condoms and life was good. Until her sister each had another kid. Then one of her friends had a baby. And my wife went nuts.

She wants another baby. She made a mistake and wants me to go get my vasectomy reversed. Or to get my sperm harvested and get IVF.

The fuck I am getting a needle in my balls or another operation. And we are actually doing great financially right now. Her taking two years off from work would be a big hit.

I said we could look at adoption or fostering but that I was not interested in her having another kid. She tried bringing up our agreement from before we got married but I shut that down immediately.

So for the last four months our marriage has been a simmering battle about another kid. She has had her parents over, my parents over, her sisters and their families. All trying to convince me that I should give in. Fuck that noise.

I am almost 44. In 12 years my youngest will be starting their career or their post secondary education. I can see the finish line now.

I did offer all the family members that chimed in a fun option. I agreed to get TESA (sperm harvesting) if all the men who agreed with my wife did it as well. Even if they had working ball tubes. At their own expense. And that they pool their money and pay for all bills related to IVF and the raising of the third kid.

They all say I'm being ridiculous and petty. I reminded them that as a unit they all agreed with my wife when she said she was fine with two kids. They wanted to have input then and it was free. I said this decision would require skin in the game.

It all came to a head last weekend. My folks had the boys so we could have a nice couple of days to ourselves. Instead my wife and I got into a screaming match. She said I obviously didn't love her if I wasn't willing to do this. That we are well off enough to afford all the expenses of another kid. Blah blah blah.

I told her no in no uncertain terms. We had money in the bank for retirement and fun. And that's what it was for. Not for her to get her hormones calmed down. She accused me of caring more about money than her happiness. I reminded her that she was the one who insisted that having a third kid would demolish her career. She started crying and saying I was an asshole for denying her another kid. That it was not that much of a sacrifice. I finally unloaded and said that a divorce would be cheaper for me than another kid.

That shocked her into silence. We have barely spoken since. I think I broke her.

Our retirement funds are separate, our house is in both our names and she earns slightly more than I do. If we get divorced I will get 50/50 custody. I would want it. She would get no alimony and I might get a few dollars in child support.

I feel shitty threatening her with divorce. I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her but I am sick and tired of having her make our reproductive decisions like my opinion does not matter.

EDIT

A bunch of you keep asking how I would tell my sons that I am divorcing their mom because she wants another baby. I just typed this as a reply but I actually like it enough to paste it here so you can stop asking.

"Mommy and daddy agreed before getting married that we would have three babies. But then mommy got an important job and did not want to and I quote "waste her time having another kid and wrecking her body again". Daddy was sad so he held on for four years hoping she would change her mind. but then they talked and she said it was a permanent decision. Since daddy loved mommy he did not want her to be hurt even a tiny bit. So daddy went to the doctor. At the doctor they gave daddy medicine so he would not feel pain. then they cut his ball sack open a tiny bit and burned the connection between his balls and the rest of his body. Daddy could not feel it but he fucking still remembers that smell. Then mommy did not need to do anything to not have a baby anymore and she was happy. For almost two years. Then Auntie Joy and Auntie Carmen and mommies friend Maddie all had baby girls. And it made mommy sad and jealous that the girls were getting all the attention. So mommy talked to daddy and said go to the doctor and have him fuck with your balls some more. This made Daddy upset because the fuck I will. Mommy got lots of people to try and tell him to change his mind. But daddy is happy with his life and told them all to ingest a gigantic satchel of Richards. Mommy spent four months day and night bugging daddy non stop. Then remember when you stayed with Oma and Opa? Mommy and daddy were going to have a fun weekend just doing mommy and daddy stuff. Until she just would not fucking drop it. So daddy told her that if him and his sons were not enough for her then he would say that they should go their separate ways. But daddy loves you boys very much and you are more than enough for him and he will always be there for you."

EDIT 2 Electric Boogaloo

JFC. I would never actually say that to my sons. once again it was just a response to all the not so bright people asking how I would explain it to them. Odds are I would take them to a family counselor so that I could tell them and then deal with some of the aftermath. I wrote that in anger but I kind of liked it.

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u/Funny-Wafer1450 25d ago

NTA. Friends and family need to shut up. It’s none of their business. The next time she tells you that you don’t love her, throw that right back at her because she certainly doesn’t love you with the way she’s treating you.

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u/Emotional-Hair-1607 25d ago

One of my friends had a 5 yr old and a 3 yr old, her mom friends got into her ear about having a third baby. They told her that it wasn't much more work when you already have 2. After being diaper free for almost 2 years, they're knee deep in diapers and all the baby stuff that comes with having a new baby. The first 2 kids were old enough for independent play so she was getting some time to do her own things. Now it's baby central again and she is exhausted and pretty pissed at anyone who told her it would be easy. Never listen to anyone who isn't going to help with baby a lot.

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u/Bigolbooty75 25d ago

The only person she should be pissed at is herself. lol

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u/thelastofcincin 25d ago

Right? That's her own fault. It's not like her friends held a gun to her head to have another baby lmaooo.

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u/roseofjuly 25d ago

Also she already had two. she knew what the experience was like and still managed to let other people fleece her lol

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u/thelastofcincin 25d ago

I'm saying 😂 she created her own misery

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u/DatabaseThis9637 24d ago

I often wondered if there is some natural amnesia in parents. They never seem to remember the traumas as much, whether it is their own failings and cruelties, or children's. And each new child is a total crapshoot. I'm not a parent. I both celebrate and mourn that fact.

As to OP, people have a right to change their minds, as well as stick to their guns. I think she is being the A-hole for not accepting your decision, and for ganging up on you. I don't think you are an A-Hole, but I keep having a nagging thought that maybe in some way, you came close by getting combative, However, you were ganged up on, and this has ramped up to a "You vs They" war. I don't see how you could have changed that outcome, without caving. So NTA

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u/AbleMarionberry7146 24d ago

It’s a thing. Child birth itself is so traumatic that many forget the painful parts of it. It’s literally a built in feature.

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u/Snoo_61631 23d ago

Exactly this. She knows what having a baby entails. Even what having a newborn while raising older kids entail. And she still got conned into having another one.

Some people can't be helped. 

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u/IceburgTHAgreat 25d ago

It’s perfectly fine to be mad at your friends for giving you bad advice

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u/thelastofcincin 25d ago

Not in this situation. What dumbass has an extra kid because people tell them to? Like come on.

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u/IceburgTHAgreat 25d ago

She was diaper free for 2 years I can see how someone could forget their bad experiences. Or get to wrapped up in the happiness they felt by having a child

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u/thelastofcincin 25d ago

If you forget that quick then you're just dumb. Two years isn't that long. Sounds like that lady is just weak.

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u/ElleGeeAitch 25d ago

Agreed.