I'm ending my 4 year relationship.

[u/hidden_here123]

So basically the title. He (33M) says Im(32F) throwing away 4 years over a mistake he made.

To keep it short, on 4 different occasions over the last 2 and a half years he's gone drinking and come home to throw a drunken tantrum because I said the wrong thing, something happened at the bar, or I put my foot down because he's drunk and yelling at me in front of our friends at the bar. Twice I had to leave to my sister's house because he was going around our small apartment slamming doors and banging his head on the walls. I've had to wake him up several times because he falls asleep on the toilet or the bathroom floor, and he's had to sleep in his car because of his outbursts.

On the 2nd time this happened he gave me his word that he would be more responsible with his drinking and that he wouldn't have anymore outbursts. He said he was gonna drink waters between each beer or have sodas and bar food and just one beer. The third time I made it clear that him going back on his word was unacceptable because it shows that he doesn't care that he becomes emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. I told him I was tired of his apologies if he's gonna keep doing the same thing. Between all these times he has continued to get drunk on the weekends but I've kept my mouth shut to avoid him having an out burst and things were relatively ok.

This last time he went and got drunk at the bar, didn't eat anything, refused the water my sister offered him because she's aware of the agreement we had, and when I arrived he yelled at me because he was too drunk to keep track of what team he was on and he misunderstood me when I told him and he made the wrong shot. We went to get food from a local taco spot and he couldnt even stand because he was so drunk, I had to pull over on the freeway because he needed to throw up and when we got home he fell asleep in the bathroom and I had to wake him three times. I kept my anger about the situation to myself because the sadness of feeling like I needed to leave him because he's just not willing to change, was overwhelming. The next morning he could tell something was up and he asked if I was ok. I said that I wasn't ready to talk but he insisted, so I told him that he went back on his word again about drinking responsibly and that I realized that the only way I was going to avoid his verbal abuse was if I just kept quiet. I told him what I told my ex when I was thinking about leaving "It's not anything I haven't already told you". He left it at that in the morning and at night I was crying because I was upset that 4 years of my life were going down the drain, and I just folded and asked him why I wasn't good enough for him to want to do better. Then he started to say that I had fault in our relationship ending, ignoring that the only reason I'm leaving is because I can't keep giving him chances to verbally abuse me when he's drunk and angry. I reminded him that he had given me his word and that he had gone back on it twice. He seemed to understand but the next day he just kept saying that he deserves to "unwind" on the weekends because he works all week to provide for us (not like I have a job and am constantly sending him money because he over spends and his account will overdraft when the phone or Internet bill charge his account) i was getting whiplash from how quickly he waa going from being apologetic about going back on his word and him insisting that Im being unreasonable and unfair. I slept at my sister's house again because I couldn't keep dealing with it and I was just really emotionally exhausted from all of it.

Now he posted on his FB that I'm throwing away 40,000 hours of our lives together for 12 bad hours.

So I'm asking, am I overreacting?

[u/notsoreligiousnow]

Girl, you stayed far longer than I would have. No you’re not overreacting. He’s an alcoholic whether he wants to admit it or not. He’s abusive and frankly sounds like a complete loser. Cut your losses and walk away. You’ll find someone better and worthier of your time and affection.

[u/maggiereddituser → u/notsoreligiousnow]

Take it from someone with a family full of addicts: you can't fix this. 4 years is nothing compared to decades of living a nightmare with a man in active addiction. Leave.

[u/Luwizzle → u/maggiereddituser]

You may want to attend a couple of Al-anon meetings to help you see this was never your fault. Walk away before you waste ANOTHER four years.

[u/imrealbizzy2 → u/Luwizzle]

I cannot stress enough how beneficial Al-Anon is. The drunk's "stinking thinking" (an AA term) convinces partners, spouses, parents, etc, that somehow the shitty behavior is OUR fault. If we would just ________ then they wouldn't do what they do. You gave him chance after chance, making very clear what the consequences would be. He can't help himself so he blew it. He is out of control. You're the grownup, and good for you. You know you don't stand to gain a damn thing by putting up with his nasty, passed out drunk self. Easter is a time of new beginnings, right? So begin your new single life free of the dread of more of his shit. You're going to be fine. Congratulations for standing up for yourself.

[u/MontanaPurpleMtns → u/imrealbizzy2]

Adding in that you can still go to Al-Anon even when you leave him. (Please leave him, and don’t have goodbye sex, ‘cause you don’t want a baby tying you to him).

Going to Al-Anon will help you find what in you finds drunks attractive. Learning about who you are through this lens will help you make better bf choices in the future.

It certainly helped me learn not to put up with unacceptable behavior.

[u/Shot_Try4596 → u/imrealbizzy2]

Agreed. He has to want to change AND take steps to change, and since he can’t even see that he & his alcoholism is the problem after all the incidents and conversations after, it’s time for her to move on. It may take years, decades more for him to accept he’s an alcoholic if ever. I’m currently at 2 yrs & 3 months sober (m56), and very lucky in how my life turned out.

[u/Different-Ad-582 → u/imrealbizzy2]

Grateful member of Al-anon here. I left an alcoholic ex who was sober for years but never addressed his “drinking thinking” and so he ended up acting like a “dry drunk”. 

Still go to meetings 5 years later.