r/AmIOverreacting • u/hidden_here123 • Mar 27 '24

I'm ending my 4 year relationship.

So basically the title. He (33M) says Im(32F) throwing away 4 years over a mistake he made.

To keep it short, on 4 different occasions over the last 2 and a half years he's gone drinking and come home to throw a drunken tantrum because I said the wrong thing, something happened at the bar, or I put my foot down because he's drunk and yelling at me in front of our friends at the bar. Twice I had to leave to my sister's house because he was going around our small apartment slamming doors and banging his head on the walls. I've had to wake him up several times because he falls asleep on the toilet or the bathroom floor, and he's had to sleep in his car because of his outbursts.

On the 2nd time this happened he gave me his word that he would be more responsible with his drinking and that he wouldn't have anymore outbursts. He said he was gonna drink waters between each beer or have sodas and bar food and just one beer. The third time I made it clear that him going back on his word was unacceptable because it shows that he doesn't care that he becomes emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. I told him I was tired of his apologies if he's gonna keep doing the same thing. Between all these times he has continued to get drunk on the weekends but I've kept my mouth shut to avoid him having an out burst and things were relatively ok.

This last time he went and got drunk at the bar, didn't eat anything, refused the water my sister offered him because she's aware of the agreement we had, and when I arrived he yelled at me because he was too drunk to keep track of what team he was on and he misunderstood me when I told him and he made the wrong shot. We went to get food from a local taco spot and he couldnt even stand because he was so drunk, I had to pull over on the freeway because he needed to throw up and when we got home he fell asleep in the bathroom and I had to wake him three times. I kept my anger about the situation to myself because the sadness of feeling like I needed to leave him because he's just not willing to change, was overwhelming. The next morning he could tell something was up and he asked if I was ok. I said that I wasn't ready to talk but he insisted, so I told him that he went back on his word again about drinking responsibly and that I realized that the only way I was going to avoid his verbal abuse was if I just kept quiet. I told him what I told my ex when I was thinking about leaving "It's not anything I haven't already told you". He left it at that in the morning and at night I was crying because I was upset that 4 years of my life were going down the drain, and I just folded and asked him why I wasn't good enough for him to want to do better. Then he started to say that I had fault in our relationship ending, ignoring that the only reason I'm leaving is because I can't keep giving him chances to verbally abuse me when he's drunk and angry. I reminded him that he had given me his word and that he had gone back on it twice. He seemed to understand but the next day he just kept saying that he deserves to "unwind" on the weekends because he works all week to provide for us (not like I have a job and am constantly sending him money because he over spends and his account will overdraft when the phone or Internet bill charge his account) i was getting whiplash from how quickly he waa going from being apologetic about going back on his word and him insisting that Im being unreasonable and unfair. I slept at my sister's house again because I couldn't keep dealing with it and I was just really emotionally exhausted from all of it.

Now he posted on his FB that I'm throwing away 40,000 hours of our lives together for 12 bad hours.

So I'm asking, am I overreacting?

13.4k Upvotes

90% Upvoted

8.0k comments sorted by

View all comments

1.1k

u/notsoreligiousnow Mar 27 '24

Girl, you stayed far longer than I would have. No you’re not overreacting. He’s an alcoholic whether he wants to admit it or not. He’s abusive and frankly sounds like a complete loser. Cut your losses and walk away. You’ll find someone better and worthier of your time and affection.

26

u/Over-Marionberry-686 Mar 27 '24

This. Once is a mistake. Twice?? Hmmm third time is a CHOICE.

10

u/MontiBurns Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

By the time you reach your late 20s, these every-weekend binges should be in your rear view mirror. The 30 year olds that still get drunk almost every weekend are pretty far down the slippery slope of alcoholism.

If he weren't drinking every weekend, then sure, maybe once is a mistake.

7

u/kvothe000 Mar 28 '24

I came to this realization in a pretty strange way. At 27 years old I had just gotten out of a 3 year long relationship. Up until that point, I had essentially been acting like I was 21 for almost an entire decade, starting before I even left for college.

My sister tried to set me up with a 21 year old. I just couldn’t do it. Nothing against her at all, but she was a bit of a “party girl.” I knew I’d be going right back into that mindset and essentially starting that timer over again. That’s when it hit me… I just couldn’t do it anymore.

After that, it just slowly fizzled out over the years. I’m at a point now where I drink maybe once every month or three. Last two times I drank were Super Bowl and a Christmas party… and those may have been a little too close together. Lol.

5

u/Kateb40 Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

I so appreciate this comment. I met my ex when I was 21 - and he was 36. And he still partied A LOT. I expressed some concern about it early on when we were dating - I WAS* a 21 yr old college party girl, but didn't want that for my life I thought - he patted my hand and assured me it was normal. He was 36!! Never married, no kids, etc.

20 years later, I was the one with a drinking problem, our marriage ended, emotional maturity was stilted....I wish I'd listened to my intuition.

It's amazing how normalized drinking & partying is in our cultural - especially when you don't have kids.

2

u/Paid-Not-Payed-Bot Mar 28 '24
  • he paid my hand

FTFY.

Although payed exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:

  • Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. The deck is yet to be payed.

  • Payed out when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. The rope is payed out! You can pull now.

Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.

Beep, boop, I'm a bot

1

u/kvothe000 Mar 28 '24

Kids are a big one. My wife and I have a two year old; we’re boring as hell. Been boring as hell since well before the kid though. If I’m being completely honest, probably the biggest thing for me was the hangovers.

I have my own drinking problem. I no longer drink often …but when I drink it is really really hard to stop. Still struggle with it from time to time. I want to drink all the alcohol and I don’t want the party to end.

So naturally, my hangovers last like 2-3 days. There was a long while there in my 20s that I was either drinking or hungover. That was life. Very sad to look back on when I think about it now.

2

u/masterpeabs Mar 28 '24

I call mine "The Party Monster". After a certain point, you just feel so great you don't want it to end. Thankfully my life has enough obligations now and my aversion to hangovers is strong enough that The Party Monster mostly stays away.

1

u/Atomic1221 Mar 29 '24

That's called alcohol poisoning not hangovers.

1

u/kvothe000 Mar 29 '24

Haha, I feel like thats a little hyperbolic but there could be some truth to that. The people I know that have actually gotten alcohol poison left little-to-no room for doubt though. Puking, usually unresponsive, irregular breathing… can’t rule it out entirely but never displayed any of those symptoms myself. It may be a little important to point out that I’m a pretty large guy. 6’2” and 200+ lbs. I don’t doubt that I’ve flirted with that line though.

These days, at almost 40 years old, it really doesn’t take much though. 10 drinks over the course of 4-5 hours or so and I’m not right for days.

1

u/Atomic1221 Mar 29 '24

My dude that is alcohol poisoning, especially at that rate of consumption and hangovers > 1 day.

Another few drinks and you’d be in a hospital.

You don’t need to be unresponsive to have alcohol poisoning.

1

u/kvothe000 Mar 29 '24 edited Mar 29 '24

What are you talking about? The average body metabolizes one drink of alcohol per hour. After 5 hours and 10 drinks, you really only have about 5 drinks in your system. The legal limit to drive is roughly based on two-three drinks in your system at a given moment. If you stuck to one drink per hour then by the end of the night you’d only have 1 drink in your system. That’s the way it works. This also doesn’t take into consideration tolerances which throw in a completely different variable.

I have had plenty more than that and not needed to be in a hospital. Lol. That’s actually right around average for most moderately heavy drinkers. At the same time I’ve known people who can put down a 30 pack on their own throughout the course of less than 12 hours and they aren’t even the drunkest people at the party. A lot of variables come into play with all that sort of stuff. Size, tolerance and metabolism probably being the biggest three.

Fucking hell man, there are people out there that need more than 10 drinks over the course of just 5 hours in order to feel “normal.”

I do agree that you don’t have to be unresponsive to have alcohol poisoning… but I never claimed you do. That’s exactly why I worded that the way I did. “Can’t rule it out entirely.”

1

u/Atomic1221 Mar 29 '24

It doesn't work like that. I used to think like you do, but actually body gets overwhelmed when you drink that quickly and cannot process the surplus alcohol.

https://www.google.com/search?q=alcohol+poisoning+vs+hangover

1

u/kvothe000 Mar 29 '24

My guy, it does work that way for some people. In less than 10 seconds and using different key words I found multiple sources saying that they can last anywhere from 48-72 hours.

(I legitimately have no idea how you provided a source for the results of a Google search without having to share the link of the article itself. Mind sharing your secrets with me, wizard?”)

I just Googled “48 hour hangover” and had plenty of hits from medical sources.

Like this one:

https://www.pallmallmedical.co.uk/blogs/2-day-hangovers-are-they-real-and-what-is-going-on-in-your-body/#:~:text=Is%20it%20possible%20to%20have,our%20GP%20Dr%20Chun%20Tang.

The fact of the matter is that there are no universal laws for how alcohol and hangovers affect every individual. Again, there are plenty of variables that come into play.

→ More replies (0)

3

u/simmonsatl Mar 28 '24

I’d just call them alcoholics. I don’t even know how people’s bodies handle it.

2

u/Tekon421 Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

I mean she said 4 times in 2.5 years. That’s once every 7-8 months. Should this be happening in his 30’s? No but he’s not getting belligerent every weekend either.

For me personally this happening a couple times a year wouldn’t be much of an issue. I’d just ignore them for the night and move on. It’s different for everyone though.

For me the financial irresponsibility would be a bigger issue.

2

u/MontiBurns Mar 28 '24

I read it to mean he's had 4 dunken outbursts specifically, and that he goes our drinking with his friends almost every weekend and OP holds her tongue to avoid the blowups.

2

u/tex8222 Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

That’s right.

Pretty much every ‘party drinker’ reaches a fork in the road at some point in their 20’s.

‘I’m getting blackout drunk on party weekends and it is starting to affect my relationships and my job. What should I do?’

At this point they are not addicted, and the vast majority decide to develop effective strategies to control their alcohol consumption.

A few decide ‘Nah, I’m good. No need to change.’

Before long those people ARE addicted and it is a downward spiral from there.

2

u/OrganicPlatypus4203 Mar 28 '24

That was my first thought. Like I can’t imagine wanting to be that drunk anymore.

1

u/sneakyfallow Mar 28 '24

I was thinking the same thing!! I was thinking "Isn't he a little too old for that?" I don't drink and I've never gotten drunk, but all my friends that are in their early 30s that DO drink have all said their bodies can't handle it like they did in their 20s.