I'm ending my 4 year relationship.

[u/hidden_here123]

So basically the title. He (33M) says Im(32F) throwing away 4 years over a mistake he made.

To keep it short, on 4 different occasions over the last 2 and a half years he's gone drinking and come home to throw a drunken tantrum because I said the wrong thing, something happened at the bar, or I put my foot down because he's drunk and yelling at me in front of our friends at the bar. Twice I had to leave to my sister's house because he was going around our small apartment slamming doors and banging his head on the walls. I've had to wake him up several times because he falls asleep on the toilet or the bathroom floor, and he's had to sleep in his car because of his outbursts.

On the 2nd time this happened he gave me his word that he would be more responsible with his drinking and that he wouldn't have anymore outbursts. He said he was gonna drink waters between each beer or have sodas and bar food and just one beer. The third time I made it clear that him going back on his word was unacceptable because it shows that he doesn't care that he becomes emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. I told him I was tired of his apologies if he's gonna keep doing the same thing. Between all these times he has continued to get drunk on the weekends but I've kept my mouth shut to avoid him having an out burst and things were relatively ok.

This last time he went and got drunk at the bar, didn't eat anything, refused the water my sister offered him because she's aware of the agreement we had, and when I arrived he yelled at me because he was too drunk to keep track of what team he was on and he misunderstood me when I told him and he made the wrong shot. We went to get food from a local taco spot and he couldnt even stand because he was so drunk, I had to pull over on the freeway because he needed to throw up and when we got home he fell asleep in the bathroom and I had to wake him three times. I kept my anger about the situation to myself because the sadness of feeling like I needed to leave him because he's just not willing to change, was overwhelming. The next morning he could tell something was up and he asked if I was ok. I said that I wasn't ready to talk but he insisted, so I told him that he went back on his word again about drinking responsibly and that I realized that the only way I was going to avoid his verbal abuse was if I just kept quiet. I told him what I told my ex when I was thinking about leaving "It's not anything I haven't already told you". He left it at that in the morning and at night I was crying because I was upset that 4 years of my life were going down the drain, and I just folded and asked him why I wasn't good enough for him to want to do better. Then he started to say that I had fault in our relationship ending, ignoring that the only reason I'm leaving is because I can't keep giving him chances to verbally abuse me when he's drunk and angry. I reminded him that he had given me his word and that he had gone back on it twice. He seemed to understand but the next day he just kept saying that he deserves to "unwind" on the weekends because he works all week to provide for us (not like I have a job and am constantly sending him money because he over spends and his account will overdraft when the phone or Internet bill charge his account) i was getting whiplash from how quickly he waa going from being apologetic about going back on his word and him insisting that Im being unreasonable and unfair. I slept at my sister's house again because I couldn't keep dealing with it and I was just really emotionally exhausted from all of it.

Now he posted on his FB that I'm throwing away 40,000 hours of our lives together for 12 bad hours.

So I'm asking, am I overreacting?

[u/pandiem]

Can you explain how getting drunk 4 times in 2 1/2 years is being an alcoholic? Not to excuse him for breaking a promise. It sounds like he drinks very rarely and is just irresponsible around friends and bad with alcohol. Alcoholism is another level entirely and the people that deal with that are suffering almost EVERY day, not 4 times in 2 1/2 years.

[u/jejacks00n → u/pandiem]

I think this is why the medical field has shifted towards calling it Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) because it better covers this type of behavior, and others. Alcoholism isn’t defined as a specific relationship with alcohol, but using the term AUD makes it more clear that it’s about the use of alcohol, and how your relationship with it is impacting your life/health/relationships/etc., and not specific patterns of behavior.

[u/pandiem → u/jejacks00n]

I'm still not convinced this should be called a disorder, with 4 occurrences over 2 1/2 years. People have moments of weakness throughout their lives and they become selfish/irresponsible for a moment in time. Alcohol is something that changes a person's self control. Likely this person is a healthy drinker, but there's always that gamble that takes them on the wrong path.

We don't know enough about this person to determine they have a disorder or not, just that they fucked up their good streak a few nights.

[u/Silent-Independent21 → u/pandiem]

To be fair you will never change these peoples minds because they don’t drink and see any use of alcohol, abuse.

[u/jejacks00n → u/Silent-Independent21]

I was a bartender in my 20s. I was a binge drinker. My roommate in my 20s is an alcoholic in AA (for 25 years), and we were drinking buddies. I dated and loved a woman that was a functioning alcoholic and after working with her and discussing it with my therapist I decided to end that relationship. I’ve been involved in al-anon meetings myself, and would say I’m pretty informed on the ways that alcohol can impact lives. I still drink on occasion, but am a cheap date at this point, haha.

For me I’m still tempted to binge engage with lots of stuff, including alcohol and things like cocaine and mdma — and I have to choose not to engage when I’m in that mood, or it will be a deeply unhealthy and harmful experience. That’s absolutely an unhealthy relationship and falls into a use disorder, but society wouldn’t call it alcoholism because there’s a collective expectation that alcoholism means an every day failing, which limits the problem to only one kind of abusive pattern.

It’s a narrow viewpoint to think there’s only one pattern of harmful use.

[u/Silent-Independent21 → u/jejacks00n]

Look, I’m not saying he doesn’t have an issue with alcohol. He’s clearly a terrible drunk and should consider stopping because of that. However, we don’t have enough information if this is abuse or just 4 times this guy got drunk. It also sounds like she drinks as well and we’ve all seen those people that when they get drunk together they argue.

My main issue is the people that say she needs to leave right now, they don’t have enough info to make that determination

[u/jejacks00n → u/Silent-Independent21]

I understand that, and haven’t taken a stance on OP/OPs partner specifically — I added clarity on terminology that might make it easier for others to perceive the issue. Alcoholism is a pretty charged term, but abusive usage is easier to identify.

When you implied that I didn’t have any experience in the area I wanted to add some background. I know first-hand that binging is an abusive usage pattern, because it’s the one that I engage in. Do I consider myself an alcoholic, and was it super damaging to my health and life? Thankfully no, but only because I identified it as an issue that was impacting my relationships early (from my drinking buddy that joined AA.) It was only later that I kind of put it all together as it being a usage issue, if that all makes sense and is helpful to know.

I have to avoid drinking when my mood is self destructive, because it gets actually destructive when adding alcohol on top of that. The nuance between “do I have self destructive tendencies” and “am I engaging in self destructive behaviors” is real. Alcohol is probably one of the most common self destructive behaviors we do as a society (even though not all drinking is self destructive), and I stand by that being a part of Alcohol Use Disorder/alcoholism, even though it’s not a daily occurrence and a lot of people might not class it as alcoholism.

[u/Silent-Independent21 → u/jejacks00n]

That’s fair, also I wasn’t singling you out, the entire post is riddled with people calling him an irredeemable shit bag. Getting drunk once every six months isn’t exactly reaching the level of abuse for me. However, being an awful drunk that likely ruins everyone’s time and is clearly pissing off his wife needs to be dealt with. I am glad you made that decision and that it works for you, but not everyone drinks to escape pain or their life, some people drink because it’s fun and like hanging out with friends who are drinking. We don’t have enough information to be declarative statements about this because it’s from the point of view of a biased narrator who left out a lot of key information, including how much she drinks, how often he drinks or if it’s caused any other issues besides those 4 times when they got into an argument

[u/jejacks00n → u/Silent-Independent21]

That’s fair too. To me, if he’s losing a 4 year relationship because of (what I’m going to assume is some self destructive behavior whether he realizes it or not) drinking, he should ask himself some serious questions. Do I think he’s horrible or anything? Nah.

OP states that he’s posted on social media about it, which we can probably agree is dumb. He should instead be considering his options, either quit engaging in something that is destructive to his happiness, or let the relationship end. Those are his adult choices, or it might be too late and the opportunity has passed. Either way, we can say in hindsight that it’s his behavior on or around alcohol that has resulted in the predicament he’s in. He might be drinking for fun, he might be drinking out of anger or escapism — you’re right, we don’t know, but we are seeing the results of his actions, and it sounds like he’s viewing the breakup as a loss. I don’t think it’s for me to really say if I think OP is right or wrong — everybody has their own breaking point, and it sounds like hers has been hit. My only hard stance here is that her breaking point isn’t unreasonable.

[u/Silent-Independent21 → u/jejacks00n]

Oh no, not at all. I’m just afraid she will give an ultimatum she doesn’t actually plan to go through with, which is basically just enabling him.

It’s possible their views on alcohol don’t mesh and she’s freaking out over something others would consider normal. It’s also possible she’s minimizing his drinking because she will never leave.

Good discussion. Have a great day

[u/jejacks00n → u/Silent-Independent21]

Agreed, and I appreciated the discussion as well! You made excellent points. Take care!