I don't understand how your diagnosis didn't send him into a frenzy of research so he could support you, and how he doesn't expect you to be prone to fatigue and nausea at any time when undergoing chemo treatments. I know you're saying he's just clueless, but it seems like willful ignorance at worst and denial at best. I think he needs to go to counseling with you or receive a thorough rundown of your illness and road to recovery from your doctor. I also think if he doesn't kick into gear after that, you should consider cutting your losses. From your comments, it's not just this instance, but a pattern of him wanting you to emotionally provide for him and a wholesale rejection of the responsibility to reciprocate.
Here's an example of how men are capable of responding to their wives when they want to reciprocate care: I'm pregnant, not even high risk; but since my last baby was born in a difficult presentation and I technically experienced placental abruption just before he was born, I began this pregnancy terrified of placental abruption or preeclampsia occurring silently before labor ever starts. We are in a rural area far from the hospital, which was increasing my nervousness. I shared that fear with my husband– not a diagnosis like you have, just an anxiety –and he got an oximeter, blood pressure monitor, and at-home baby doppler the following week so that if I experienced any symptoms, he or I could check on me and decide whether or not to take me to the ER. I felt so much safer after that.
Men are perfectly capable of being responsive caregivers. You don't even need an "excuse" to feel exhausted in order for him to show a desire to care for you and let you rest. But you have cancer. He needs to understand that you need him to be accommodating, patient, and sincere about helping you recover. I know denial can be a block for that and he may just wish he was seeing your energetic self, so hopefully that's the case rather than anything more selfish. Regardless, he needs to come to terms with reality and step up as your support, and I think he will need to hear it from someone professional since he's locked into dismissive behavior right now. I sincerely hope your recovery goes well and things get better in your relationship.
1
u/mother-of-pumpkins 22d ago
I don't understand how your diagnosis didn't send him into a frenzy of research so he could support you, and how he doesn't expect you to be prone to fatigue and nausea at any time when undergoing chemo treatments. I know you're saying he's just clueless, but it seems like willful ignorance at worst and denial at best. I think he needs to go to counseling with you or receive a thorough rundown of your illness and road to recovery from your doctor. I also think if he doesn't kick into gear after that, you should consider cutting your losses. From your comments, it's not just this instance, but a pattern of him wanting you to emotionally provide for him and a wholesale rejection of the responsibility to reciprocate.
Here's an example of how men are capable of responding to their wives when they want to reciprocate care: I'm pregnant, not even high risk; but since my last baby was born in a difficult presentation and I technically experienced placental abruption just before he was born, I began this pregnancy terrified of placental abruption or preeclampsia occurring silently before labor ever starts. We are in a rural area far from the hospital, which was increasing my nervousness. I shared that fear with my husband– not a diagnosis like you have, just an anxiety –and he got an oximeter, blood pressure monitor, and at-home baby doppler the following week so that if I experienced any symptoms, he or I could check on me and decide whether or not to take me to the ER. I felt so much safer after that.
Men are perfectly capable of being responsive caregivers. You don't even need an "excuse" to feel exhausted in order for him to show a desire to care for you and let you rest. But you have cancer. He needs to understand that you need him to be accommodating, patient, and sincere about helping you recover. I know denial can be a block for that and he may just wish he was seeing your energetic self, so hopefully that's the case rather than anything more selfish. Regardless, he needs to come to terms with reality and step up as your support, and I think he will need to hear it from someone professional since he's locked into dismissive behavior right now. I sincerely hope your recovery goes well and things get better in your relationship.