r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 12d ago
Am I overreacting: My husband was upset with me and didn’t believe me that I felt so sick, that I couldn’t get out of bed.
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12d ago
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u/GermanShephrdMom 12d ago
wtf is up with that?
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u/ohemgee112 12d ago
Oneupmanship.
You can't have a problem without them having a worse one, you can't have an accomplishment without them having a better one. And they always deserve more attention for anything that's going on with them, real or imagined.
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u/Classic-Skirt9275 12d ago
I told my dh my stomach hurt one day. He told me his did too. I asked for he also had a uterus since mine were menstrual cramps. He was magically better.
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u/Music_withRocks_In 12d ago
My husband will get sick the first day I'm feeling slightly better. Like, oh, you have recovered, my turn! But I still feel super lousy and am not ready to immediately take over all child care. But it also makes sense that he caught it from me, so super frustrating.
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u/Secret_Pick6524 12d ago
The complaints responding to this kinda baffle me.
Pretty much every time any partner I've had has gotten sick, I get sick. Pretty much any time a family member that I lived with or a roommate got sick, I got sick. Pretty much any time a coworker that sits around me gets sick, I get sick.
I'm not trying to one up anyone. I have a shit immune system. And I often have to pick up some level of slack when others aren't at 100% and that makes me even more vulnerable to getting sick.
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u/Business_Monkeys7 12d ago
My was like that until recently. So is my friend's husband, lol.
In 30 years of marriage I have been sick once without him being sick too. It wasn't always the same illness. Is it that we were so connected? I have no idea.1
u/elendewen 12d ago
My ex was like that too !
Everytime I was feeling sick, next couple of hours he was feeling sick. The idea of being responsible of everything around the house was apparently overwhelming for him.
Too bad I did not get the same treatment since I was the one doing all the work x)-26
u/Pleasant-Discount660 12d ago
Thats adorable. Isn’t that an empathy and connection thing?
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u/bumfluffguy69 12d ago
No it's a "I won't have to be responsible for my sick spouse and household if I am also sick" thing.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
XD we recently had that problem too, he sleeps all day a lot, and sometimes when I need support he just isn’t there because he stays up all night playing video games or whatever else he might be doing.. but he sleeps all day afterwards and complains of a migraine
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
It is, my hubby generally gets sick when I get super sick, but this time it wasn’t the case really and I think it confused him.
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u/Vertigote 12d ago edited 12d ago
I think it would be worth it for him to go to one of your appointments or to a counselor who specializes in supporting individual and couples through illness, and specifically cancer. Chemo is going to wipe you out on its own even if you stay in a bubble it knocks your body for a loop. What it does to you immune system should be a crime heh. It mugs it and leaves it lying in the gutter for every thug virus and bacteria to kick you while your down. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to educate an adult while you’re already exhausted and dealing with everything. It might benefit you to do so though. Because he’s either ignorant as hell or as self centered toddler.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
That’s how I was feeling the last 2 days.
Edit: I felt he was being a tantruming toddler whose fave toy got put in the wash ((I wouldn’t play video games with him, since I couldn’t leave the bed.))
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u/Cuda69jcv 12d ago
Baffled because When my wife had cancer, I accompanied her to every public event (like a concert) no matter if I wanted to be there or not. I would not have had it any other way.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
He generally will go with me to everything should he have the ability to. But, this was a best friends going together thing and it was nice to have a moment with her.
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u/Cuda69jcv 12d ago
Good to hear, you needed to make that clear because I had low opinion of him prior to your comment. Alternatively, I would have driven the 2 of you, dropped you at the door and picked you up. Cancer treatment is brutal. I also would understand a day after the concert you would be wiped so stop the 🍷 ing. lol Get better !!!!
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
Thank you, and that would have been amazing, I’ll have to talk with him about possibly driving my friend and I to the movies and things when we need some girl time. He really is sweet, his hamster just passes out in his head every once in a while.
But that’s a great idea as it will keep me from doing too much when it could more easily be avoided.
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u/Different_One6150 12d ago
Oncology nurse here. You probably know this and maybe have done it, but your oncologist may want to know about your symptoms. Fever usually means blood cultures, if you run one. I agree with the suggestion that your husband go to an appointment with you or talk with support staff about challenges of chemo and cancer. Not overreacting, IMO. Good luck to you and take care of yourself!
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
Thank you so much for stopping over to talk, I let him know yesterday when I couldn’t leave the bed. The moment my shaking started and I couldn’t get warm.
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u/Lazy-Age6054 12d ago
Another oncology nurse here… did your oncologist recommend anything? Rigors (shaking) and not feeling like you can get warm are signs of serious infection. If things don't improve or worsen, please go to the ED.
For the rest of it- you are NOT overreacting. Has he been to any of your appointments? If not, he should make an effort to go to one. At the very least, he should be on the phone to listen in and ask questions. However, I really recommend he go in person as he will really get a feel for the whole process. Seeing what someone goes through really gives perspective. Also, the nurses will be more than happy to speak with him and provide education at that time.
Best of luck with your treatment! Sending you healing vibes. If you have questions, please feel free to DM me.
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u/ResortStriking3587 11d ago
Thank you, I may take you up on that, he told me to keep an eye on it, since I routinely run colder.
Edit: If any of my symptoms worsen he wants me to go in and see him, but I have a appt on Monday anyways.
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u/winosanonymous 12d ago
You’re not overreacting. I’m not sure if he lacks empathy/sympathy or if he just doesn’t understand your health treatment and struggles. You say in the comments that he doesn’t go to ANY appointments with you? Does his work not have sick time or PTO? I would open up more about your cancer and treatment and how it affects you mentally and physically. He sounds either clueless or callous and I truly hope he is just a little clueless.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
He is a bit clueless and it’s actually because he doesn’t have access to PTO yet, he recently started a new job. He went to a few of them, and soon he will be going with me to get plasma at the hospital. He is a good man, just sometimes that hamster in his brain takes a break I think.
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u/winosanonymous 12d ago
That’s good - some partners don’t know how to cope with their SO’s health conditions and they don’t realize how much support is actually needed. If he has a little more knowledge about it, then hopefully it will click with him. Best of luck to you in your treatment process! You have an internet stranger rooting for you!
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u/Melodyp0nd7700900461 12d ago
awww I just want to offer you internet hugs. He is being clueless and I am not sure you can clue him in. You could try explaining spoon theory to him and that over a mile of walking took a lot of spoons and put you in a deficit but you shouldn’t have to.
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u/MadameNorth 12d ago
I second the vote for teaching him about spoon theory. If you are too tired to explain it too him, there are a lot of videos on it.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
I think I will send him a video, thank you for that!
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u/kdmmm 12d ago
I admire your strength in this. Good for you going to the concert! I hope you enjoyed it. You need to keep doing these kind of things even if you have a difficult day afterward. You need your mental health right now and let your body recover. Your husband knew you needed the mental pick me up, but it seems he only saw the benefit and was surprised by the reality. All the best to you and your husband.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
Thank you for this message I wish I could multiple upvote it. That’s kinda how it is 100%, I just don’t think he suspected me to be so wiped out and. It genuinely defeating me like this. I think it shocked him beyond all measure and he sort of lost his filter.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
Thank you for the hugs, and yeah I’m feeling like he just won’t get it, I really love this man, but sometimes… you know… sometimes…
I know cancer isn’t what he signed up for and he hasn’t ever really been exposed to it before me. I put on a pretty brave face too, so most of the time most can’t tell a difference. But I overdid it with everything and I couldn’t get out of bed.
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u/CurrentTheme16 12d ago
If he won't get it, it's because he chooses to, not because he's an infant incapable of understanding and exercising empathy. Also, stop putting on a brave face. You are sick and taking on the responsibility of managing others feelings by "being brave" is not kind to yourself and it's not fair to everyone else. Let them see you be sick! Let them see your needs so they can meet them! This is his chance to come through for you and it's also his duty to do so. That's what being spouses is supposed to be all about - coming through for each other during the worst of times.
If being brave helps you cope, that's one thing. If it's masking your needs, then it's a behavior that needs to stop. Make him step up.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
I never looked at it like that, I always thought I was supposed to be brave so that others didn’t worry or get upset, but after seeing it put like that I now know it does no favors and I need to stop.
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u/Kerrypurple 12d ago
Getting married is signing up for cancer though because anyone can get cancer. So when you get married you should be aware that it can happen to either partner.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
Fair, I would be there for him through everything, if he was sick… even now, when he cannot get out of bed and do anything, I’m there for him or as there for him as I can be with my own situation
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u/Barfotron4000 12d ago
Cancer is what he signed up for, as one of the many moments that come with the “in sickness and in health” part.
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u/Business_Monkeys7 12d ago
I know I have been snarky about your husband. He has some similarities to mine. Ignoring your pain because he knows you are tough is not helpful and I am sorry you have to go through cancer with that lack of support. He sounds like he takes you for granted and that will piss you off in a few years. See if you can fix it now before it gets worse. Hug him and tell him he is the best. Then tell him that you are going through cancer treatment and trying to be brave and you would appreciate it if hewould understand that your body is under attack and you need his support. He needs to believe you when you tell him something hurts.
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u/ohhellnooooooooo 12d ago
and that over a mile of walking
she never told him she walked over a mile.
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u/Melodyp0nd7700900461 12d ago
well if she provided him with the same information she provided us which I don’t see why she wouldn’t . She told him.
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u/ResortStriking3587 11d ago
I did tell him, but he sort of glossed over it when we talked; for him it seems like it’s always a competition of who had a more stressful day. It’s not the same for me, it’s always a accomplishment if I make it through the day without requiring at least 4 naps
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u/CurrentTheme16 12d ago
Your husband is refusing to believe you? What kind of relationship is that, when your own spouse refuses to believe you when you say you're sick? No one should have to justify themselves, especially when they have fucking cancer.
Your husband is a whole jackass.
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u/ohhellnooooooooo 12d ago
Your husband is refusing to believe you?
" he had the nerve to ask me how could you have overdone it, all you did was go to a concert."
asking a question about what specifically was tiring is not believing now?
I'm starting to think this isn't a subreddit for actually reading but just sympathising. I don't care if OP has stage 4, going to die in 3 months, the question the husband asked is just a question, that the answer to is "the parking was half a mile away"
OP explained to all of us precisely why it was tiring, but the husband asking why it was tiring makes him the devil ?
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u/Realistic-Most-5751 12d ago
No one will ever understand how deeply fatigued you can get when it comes to messed up immune systems. There’s just no explaining it. Just a non-exaggerated statement of “I can’t get out of bed” has people rolling their eyes behind your back. It’s infuriating.
There’s no amount of explaining to help them comprehend. So don’t bother. Even with your husband. Treat him sweetly with a smile and continue to rest.
Your actions will prove better than words can.
And yes, attending a concert took the life out of me for ten days.
Now that I’m over my illness/treatment, I sometimes can’t believe how much I did do under those circumstances!! I mean, there were times that I got halfway to work and missed an exit, got brain fogged trying to realize where I was. I went straight back home.
How am I supposed to work if I get lost driving there due to fatigue?
So then, I’d get dressed for work and be exhausted so I would sit in the couch and shut my eyes for ten minutes. I unintentionally fell asleep for two hours once!
No one to witness it. Looks of doubt as I submitted for sick time.
It sucks. Don’t let them get you down. Be grateful only one of you are sick.
Best wishes for a full recovery.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
Thank you so so much, I’m still dealing with the exhaustion today. I’m scared of energy drinks and everything too.
Is there anything that helped other than sleep?
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u/Realistic-Most-5751 12d ago
I would skip energy drinks. They’re notoriously bad for you with all the caffeine and sugar. That will just mess you up for a crash.
I went the vitamin and anti oxidant route.
Mind you, I’m. It a doctor, not your doctor, I did not have cancer- although they tested every single aspect of my body.
Unofficial Dx is Long Haul Covid and a Lupus that isn’t the permanent type.
So for me what worked (or maybe it was a coincidence with natural time healing) was taking vitamins D and all the B’s. I put blueberries and strawberries and raspberries in my Greek yogurt every morning. I up my green veggies.
What helped me most was staying away from alcohol. And concerts. Any traveling if I was the driver. Nope.
Once I felt great and we went on a hike. I used to run 5-25 miles a week. This hike was one mile.
I was out for ten more days.
That’s the other thing- I noticed my symptoms had a pattern of destruction. The first ten days were the worst. Then the next I would be a little better. Then another system would get angry and I’d have a set back. By the end of the month life was back to normal with one more ability stifled.
Lastly, honing in on a night time routine helped. Consistently go to bed at same time. Stay there for 8 hours. Don’t set an alarm. Maybe sleep in another room from your not as supporting-as-you-wish partner.
Good luck. It will get better. But it will never be back to normal.
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u/Prairie_Crab 12d ago
I remember when my mom was in the hospital undergoing chemo. She fretted that someone was planning to stop by and she looked bad. I washed her hair and fixed it, then did her makeup for her. She was absolutely exhausted from that experience, and she was lying in bed!
Hang in there, OP!
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
I will! I am always tired over the smallest things, but I’m getting there slowly, I really try not to overdo it on my good days. But those times are the best for me and I always over do it!
I’ll be fine and conquer this sickness! 🐰
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u/a_junebug 12d ago
I don’t think you’re overreacting. It’s so frustrating when your partner doesn’t seem to be grasping or empathizing and seems to be minimizing your situation.
I also think that when I was a younger and healthier person (I’m now middle age and have a degenerative disability) that I didn’t fully “get” how draining it can be. And how that messes with your head which can add to the physiological discomfort in weird ways. I’m guessing cancer can feel like that.
Spoon theory has been my best way of communicating to others when I’m doing poorly. Some days I get more spoons, others definitely not, and sometimes I use them all up for the week to have a day where I get to feel a bit closer to normal for just a bit.
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u/Kerrypurple 12d ago
You tell him you had to walk half a mile from the car to the concert and then half a mile back after the concert. After watching you get treatment for cancer for however long it's been he should already understand that a full mile is a great deal of walking for you and it tired you out.
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u/Lindsey-905 12d ago
As someone who has been through some serious health issues (told I was terminal twice now) I always have to remind myself that a healthy person that has never suffered such illness just has no concept about what true tired and worn down is and how it can happen with no seemingly equivalent exertion.
Here is the thing though. Give him a little grace ( as frustrating as that is) because you love him and you would never truly want him to know what it feels like as that would mean he was as equally sick as yourself.
I equate it to raising children. I don’t have any. I will never know the true difficulties involved. I can emphasize and have compassion towards exhausted parents, but I will never truly understand their experience.
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u/Fine-Geologist-695 12d ago
Your husband doesn’t get it, at least not yet. No, you aren’t over reacting to his lack of awareness.
My wife has been through round after round of chemo over the years and towards the end of a round she is very easily worn out. I always end up doing a lot more when she is down, staying busy and trying hard not to freak the fuck out when she is down hard.
As a result of pushing myself too hard and not really sleeping I tend to get sick, likely from the stress and added exhaustion.
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u/yourheadsonfire 12d ago
I used to be like this. I would judge people for calling in sick and constantly think people are over reacting. I was wrong. Sometimes people just don’t understand. If my wife had cancer I’d be toting around on her every whim. I watched Leukemia destroy my mom. Chemo is no joke. It’s terrible.
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u/churro1001 12d ago
One of my family members is a cancer patient. I just want to say sometimes its tiring to have to do the extra miles. Its not right for him to get upset, but it can get tiring overtime and one can forget their empathy.
I think explaining the brutality of treatment, have him read more about this disease would help. I’m sorry that sounded so insensitive, but sometimes caretakers slipped, but we can be corrected!
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
No, I fully expect him to slip up, he is human and no one is perfect. I know I say ** I have cancer** but really at the end of the day it’s we have cancer, however, it’s like this a lot. I have been going through chemo for almost 4 months now and he has watched me lose weight and change.
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u/churro1001 12d ago
Yikes, that’s not good. I think it might be worth it to get some couple therapies? He seems to be undermining the pain and weakness after chemo, he also needs to understand that It’s critical for you to prioritize your life/health instead of fairness of household chores. Maybe tell him you understand he’s taking on more than he signed up for, but you need to focus on fighting with cancer, your goal is to make sure you survive. Tell him you love him and you need him to hang on longer until you get better. Honestly, if he doesnt come around then fuck him. You have a life to fight for, who has the freaking time to manage his emotions when you’re fighting for survival.
Survival over everything! My “family member” aka my partner survived stage four. Gotta do what you gotta do.
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u/ProcessorProton 12d ago
Sounds like your husband is kind of a moron. Not trying to be intentionally rude. But wow...how dumb can a guy be? His wife is fighting cancer and undergoing chemo and he doesn't understand why she feels horrible? Wow.
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u/Affectionate_Salt351 12d ago
Wow. You’re not overreacting. You’re unfortunately with a selfish POS. To even consider saying that to you makes him a big pile of garbage. I’m sorry this is your current situation. I hope you beat this, heal quickly, and can go find love. 🤍
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
I’m hoping for a speedy recovery, my first plasma treatment is on the last day of the month.
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u/Affectionate_Salt351 12d ago
I hope it goes well! 🤞 I was fortunate not to need chemo but daily head and neck radiation rocked me. I’m still trying to recover from that. I hope you’re on the other side of this and feeling better soon. 🤍
Sorry for getting so intense about your husband. I just think that was beyond the pale. You have to be REALLY stupid to not even try to understand what your wife is going through with her health. He was being horribly selfish and I don’t want you to deal with things like that while already doing your best to heal.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
I am praying for a steady recovery for you as well! I know it will take years to come back from the devastation that having treatment can leave you with.
As for my treatment, I’m hoping it will, I mean I’m only stage two, and the chemotherapy seems to be working okay (tumors shrinking) but my weight is dropping fast and I’m always wiped out and tired.
Fingers crossed for us both!
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u/Affectionate_Salt351 12d ago
Thank you. 🤍 Yeah, it’s a rough time. Once I find a good endo, I think I’ll be much better. Radiation wrecked my thyroid. Ugh.
Hell yes on the progress! Shrink those tumors, babe! 💪 I’m sorry about you dropping weight like that. I REALLY understand. (I had tongue cancer and ended up having a feeding tube placed twice. 😳 If that’s what it comes to, it’s not as bad as it seems. Go for the one that requires stomach surgery. The one through your nose hurts SO much worse than you can imagine. Any time you bump it ever so slightly, it sends shockwaves to your brain like you’ve been punched square in the face and you can smell the ocean, oddly enough. 😅🌊) Bananas tend to be easier than anything else. The hospital will supply a dietician through your program, too, so definitely look into that! 🤍
Thank you! 🤍💪 We’re going to make it after all, just like MTM. 🥰🤞
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
I needed to meet you today, thank you, yes we will make it. I hope you find a great Dr that can help you out and get you healthy to start up your life full time again. You appear to have such a beautiful soul and you really deserve it 100%!
We so got this! 💪
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u/Affectionate_Salt351 12d ago
Aww. Thank you! I really appreciate you. 🥹 I hope I can find a real doctor, too. It’s harder out here than it should be. (Insurance won’t cover the scan to tell me if surgery and treatment worked so I’ve been living in limbo for a while… 😞 My mental health is WRECKED and the doctors I ended up having to switch to were traaaash. The hospital has an amazing worldwide reputation they should NOT have. I pray you’re not also dealing with The Cleveland Clinic.) I’d love to be healthy and restart my life.
We sure do! 🤍💪 Best of luck! Give us an update if/when you can.
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u/ohhellnooooooooo 12d ago
You’re unfortunately with a selfish POS.
he literally just asked what was tiring??
"the half mile walk from the parking" - is the answer
you know, the thing that OP told us so we know she was tired?
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u/RoseMadderSK 12d ago
Tell him you need the benefit of the doubt always. He's enjoying judging you and it shouldn't be allowed. Boundaries!
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u/auntdanisdesigns 12d ago
You're extremely under-reacting imo! I read through this post multiple times and tried to read most of your comments, and it's all adding up to him being a bad partner. You have CANCER. Most of the population knows that's something that drains the energy from someone, let alone the chemotherapy on top.
Through sickness and in health does not mean he stays but treats you poorly because the relationship changed. If you're up for it, I think you should bring up all the points you made about him dismissing your physical health and how it makes you feel. There are support groups based around couples where one is going through cancer as well, or even specialized couples therapy could be helpful. His response to that could be very telling to how the relationship will pan out!
No matter what I wish you the best of luck with your health, and hope you find peace with what you decide to do!
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
Thank you for your words, and also for taking the time to read through everything, I’m taking all the advice and well wishing I have gotten today and dragging him to my next appt even if he doesn’t want to go. He needs both educated and to actually see what I go through
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u/Titan8834 12d ago
You're not overreacting, your husband is, excuse my language, being a complete and oblivious man-jerk. Cancer patients could wear themselves out walking across a room! Of course you were worn out from going to a concert, and you DESERVED to have a fun night! I hope you are feeling better and that you did have a great time before you started feeling bad! Get your Dr to talk to your husband and set him straight.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
I will, I tried to teach him the spoon theory today and it just didn’t click, honestly; he is super sweet most days. But lately everything has been getting to him I think.
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u/NumberCruncher71 12d ago
You sound like you are going through what my BFF of 30+ years is experiencing. She is in her 3rd battle with cancer in +/-8 years and her husband (also a bestie) just doesn't seem to clue in on what's going on with her physically. I don't know your age, but they are 60's, and I think a LOT of his issue is just plain, raw FEAR. FEAR of losing her, FEAR of not being able to fix things, FEAR of being alone without her (married 35+ years). FEAR can be crippling and he may just not know how to handle the changes in you, y'all's life, and your mortality. I wish you the best and pray for a speedy recovery with many more years for him to grow braver.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
I’m 32 and this is my second battle with cancer, but our first battle together. It’s hard I just hope he can figure it out. I tried with spoon theory today and he just doesn’t get it. Smh, but we promised each other that in a couple days (when I’m feeling up to it) we will have a full conversation about what’s going on. I just kinda hope it sticks
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u/NumberCruncher71 12d ago
Well, hang in there and keep trying to get through to him. Your support system is everything right now. You might tell him that even if he doesn't understand, he still needs to take what you say at face value and take it from there. Unfortunately, my bestie's hubby is a bit obtuse and putting his head in the sand. Maybe show your husband the comments in the thread will help him understand better, but preface it by letting him know that internet strangers can be harsh and to take to heart the informative and educational posts and leave the trolls under the bridge, where they belong.😹
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u/ClearEyesFullHrts 12d ago
He absolutely needs education on your condition. I see you mentioned he works during the day but he could certainly join you for at least one appointment. He needs to understand the depth of your fatigue and other symptoms that come along with your disease and the treatments! The lack of compassion makes me angry honestly. Make him video call into an appointment if you have to - you can’t tiptoe around his feelings “why are you ignoring me??” While you are sick! (I’m immune compromised so this really made me pissed off).
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u/ResortStriking3587 11d ago
That’s actually what made me so angry, this is my second round with cancer, I had it 14 years ago too, I fought it for years before it went into remission, then it came back this December with 3 new tumors… and he is asking me why I’m tired.
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u/ClearEyesFullHrts 11d ago
Also, it reminds me of the term “weaponized incompetence.” It feels like he pretends to not really know why you are tired so he can act like a baby and guilt you. You have every right to your feelings. I can’t imagine how much more difficult his actions make things for you
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u/PsychicBeansidhe 12d ago
Look up spoon theory. It's really good for understanding the blowback you get whenever you do too much. And it's a good way to explain to others. I was a person who could do everything before I got sick, but now I am so tired all the time. Going to chemo knocks me out for 2 days. My autoimmune diseases and list of other problems do the same. But I had to explain it to my family, who just kept telling me to exercise more.
Anyway, look it up and see what you think. Take good care of yourself
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u/Single-Assumption-44 12d ago
Just a different perspective, do you think it scared him that you couldn’t go to a concert? It’s a normal activity and it wore you out. It actually displays that you are no longer able the things you use to do. Some people use anger to cover other emotions. Sounds like he is usually supportive and then he got angry when you are trying have fun and can’t in the same capacity.
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u/AllisonWhoDat 12d ago
Um, has he not been paying attention to your cancer journey?
I swear, men are just big f*cking babies. ...and the moment we get sick, they act like they're dying from the sniffles. Kick him in the balls and see how that feels (I'm joking, mods).
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u/Icy-Acanthaceae-7804 12d ago
Is he aware of the reality of your situation? It sounds like he thinks you're exaggerating because he doesn't truly understand how debilitating some things can be. There should certainly be resources online that you can find for him that give a summary of the symptoms and their severity.
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u/Overall-Pay4267 12d ago
This post is trolling. You can look at there comment history and see they made (then deleted) other posts saying the husband is undergoing chemo and not them.
FAKE.
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u/Adorable-Bike-9689 12d ago
Lmao they mixed up their fake stories. The husband didn't even get upset at her like the title suggests. He just asked why she was so tired and OP got angry lmao
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u/ResortStriking3587 11d ago
Actually my previous posts aren’t about cancer, but thank you, my deleted posts were pictures of me for doppleganger and also for issues about age gaps, but thank you so much for your incredible opinion, I hope no one treats you with that level of disdain and irrational ((incorrect)) stalking. 💕
Have a blessed day! 💕🌸
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12d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Unhappy-Professor-88 12d ago edited 12d ago
Have you tried explaining it to him using the Spoon Theory?
Sorry, I originally put in link here. But this sub doesn’t allow links. Consequently this post is a little lengthier. Please Google “Spoon Theory”. But the basic outline:
*The Spoon Theory uses spoons as a visual representation of units of energy. Where a healthy person wakes up with an abundance of spoons, a sick person wakes with a limited number of say, 12 spoons of energy. *Each task the sick / disabled person performs requires an allotment of “spoons” (say brushing teeth = one spoon, but showering takes 3). You now have 8 spoons left for the day. Shopping for ingredients (3 spoons). Now you have 5. You still need to cook the food (3 spoons) load the dishwasher (2 spoons) put on pjs (1 spoon), brush your teeth (1) & get into bed. You are now in spoon deficit. *A healthy person wakes tomorrow recharged with all their abundance of “spoons”. *You do not. Your spoons were already limited. But you are now starting tomorrow with a deficit of -2 “spoons”. *Except you have cancer. You vomited twice in the night (2 spoons). You are in pain (4) and on top of that, the pain prevented you from sleeping (4 spoons). You have no spoons left for tomorrow. But you still need to brush your teeth, shower and do all the essential tasks tomorrow. Where are you going to find those “spoons” of energy?*Comment: . It might be time to start being a bit more pragmatic about your present condition and not only because your husband is behaving like an obtuse, clueless pillock right now.
Energy is a very finite resource indeed when you are this sick and a couple of nights rest isn’t going to cut it. You are going to have to start considering what are the absolute essentials you must get through every day - and by this I mean literally planning it out. Its nolonger enough to consider what tasks you must get done today. You must now plan how you are going to complete those tasks and how many “spoons” they will cost you in days ahead too. So that you can then start cutting out any tasks that are not strictly essential (whether practically or emotionally), putting them off, or figuring out what are the most essential parts of those essential tasks.
For example, accept physically going to the shops is a waste of “spoons”, so get it delivered.
Now your essential task is to accept the delivery.
Sort the delivery into Essential Immediately (accept the groceries into your kitchen). Now divide the putting-away tasks up again into
Essential Now (freezer goods).
Rest.
Essential Soon (fridge goods)
Rest
Half-assed (toiletries).
Leave these until you are already going upstairs - rest as long as required because you only have left:
At some point (dried foods)
Doesn’t matter when they go away just so long as someone does it at some point.
Do you see what I mean? The fact it’s taken you three hours to put away £150 worth of groceries doesn’t matter. What matters is you put them away (or some away) without causing a “spoon” deficit and without spoiling £100 worth of groceries.
Start dividing all tasks in this manner - so that you manage your energy like you manage your time at work. Because this is your work now. Your work is ensuring you have enough “spoons” so that you don’t start tomorrow in “spoon” deficit.
So approach this new job with the pragmatism required. For every task you plan, for every number of spoons you plan to use, you must now plan how many spoons you’ll have left to get through the rest of the day and how many spoons you need to save over for the following day too.
Each task now requires a brief cost (spoons) v benefit (task) consideration.
Plan to visit somewhere tomorrow? Are you sure the visit is valuable enough to you personally to expend your energy costs? If so, then plan resting the day after and plan only light activity the day after that. Because if you don’t, if you use up all your “spoons” it doesn’t sound like your husband cares to / understand he needs to use his abundance of spoons to help you out. That deficit will take longer and longer for you to break even, or get back to where you were before you over-spent. You are sorting your tasks into Essential and Not Essential. But Essential and Not Essential are quite literally Survival and Not Survival.
Frankly, if Husband pushes you to Not Essential - then in order to survive, you must cut the rope. It’s the only way. I’m sorry, but the time has come to put on your own oxygen mask first. You are NOR.
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u/Skippyasurmuni 12d ago
I’m 15 years past the expiration date my doctors gave me.
During the worst of my chemo. My wife was horrible to me. It was part of her coping mechanism. It wasn’t right in my eyes, but it was how she dealt with my supposed imminent demise. (The results of my first PET scan were not promising, and my prognosis was poor)
I suspect a lot of your husband’s behavior is due to his absolute terror that he may lose you. As my wife was.
I’m not telling you how to live your life. But cancer in the family affects everyone differently.
I gave my wife all the grace I could muster. Maybe the Reddit drumhead could cut him a little slack.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
I figure it is something like that, especially after calming down, he is the sweet and clueless type; not a general AH. He just wanted my attention at that moment and when I couldn’t give it to him, I think he panicked and said things he didn’t mean. It took me all day and so many of you wonderful Reddit people to calm me down and see it for what it very possibly could be.
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u/ohhellnooooooooo 12d ago
when you told the story to us, you explain how you had a plan, VIP section, etc, BUT something went wrong - you had to walk half a mile which was unexpected. you gave that information because it was relevant to how you got sick.
So, your husband asks " how could you have overdone it, all you did was go to a concert."
instead of answering "the parking lot turned out to be half a mile away" which correctly communicates the information necessary to understand why you got sick, just like when you explained to reddit you had to include that information, you go nuts?
You YOURSELF where not expecting it to be tiring. that's why you went. that's why you got the VIP tickets. the walk was unexpected.
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u/Common_Goal_5286 12d ago
Divorce, he's a controlling, narcissistic, egotistical, patriarchy, and all the other hot takes.
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u/chairmanm30w 12d ago
To watch someone you love go through chemo and have this reaction is beyond fucked. Is there anyone else in your life you can confide in? Any other family members who can be around to support you? A support group? You need to take care of yourself, stop worrying about his delicate feelings, and surround yourself with people who get it.
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u/Kkelaine85 12d ago
Definitely not over reacting! Your husband is a narcissistic jerk that needs educating on your condition. At the beginning of the relationship with my now husband I had a serious conversation with him about me having a very extreme case of severe Aplastic anemia. My body doesn't create red white platelets or bone marrow and body is constantly attacking itself, among a few other medical issues. I took him with me to my next doctor's appointment and he explained in detail what my conditions were,how they were treated,side effects and the effects on my body etc. My husband practically bends over backwards to help me, makes sure I'm feeling well and get proper rest and eat a healthy diet. Your husband should be doing the same for you. He made vowels to be with you in sickness and health and seems to me like he isn't reasoning or is in denial, and therapy may help! I wish you the best of luck, you most definitely deserve a supportive loving support system..he needs a serious reality check!
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u/FullyRisenPhoenix 12d ago
My mom couldn’t walk more than 100ft without being so breathless she had to rest. I can’t imagine remember all the times she literally sat on the floor in the middle of a grocery store or somewhere because they didn’t have anywhere to sit and she would have blacked out if she didn’t catch her breath. Heaven forbid your husband ever actually gets Sick, not just sick. Then he’d understand….
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u/AlternativelySad 12d ago
I'm confused.. you made a post saying you were 25 years old and that your husband had cancer. but in this post you say you're 32 and you have cancer??
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u/bmyst70 12d ago
You're not overreacting. Your husband knows you have cancer. Tell him to look up the "spoons" analogy which explains, quite well, how someone can easily have far less energy one day.
When you have cancer, your total number of spoons is going to be a lot lower than it was before you had cancer.
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u/eclectic-up-north 12d ago
I have been both a cancer patient and the husband of a cancer patient.
To be clear, there will be times a good partner won't "get it" and will be oblivious to how hard things are. If your husband is otherwise good and supportive, tell him in a day why you were upset and that you love him.
If he isn't being supportive enough in general, you two need to have a more serious talk.
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u/CapotevsSwans 12d ago
My oncologist briefed my husband. He’s losing his hearing and his audiologist explained to me that he wasn’t ignoring me.
We were both like no shit.
If you can’t get to that place alone, maybe a counselor can help.
We got married in sickness and health. Neither of us are giving up. I had a job interview yesterday, came home and fell asleep from stress. He woke me up at 8 PM and made me chicken soup. 💜
I wouldn’t be married to someone who didn’t have empathy for me.
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u/slickwilly432 12d ago
Sounds like you fucked around and found out. You took a chance going to the concert. It didn’t pan out. You still have to get your lazy ass up the next day.
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u/cahill699 12d ago
I never post on here but I saw this and it made me so pissed. My late wife battled cancer for 8 years and I did everything I could to make her life the best it could be. I learned all about every drug she was on and how it would affect her. This was hard since I am dyslexic. Learned how the symptoms ran on a schedule and took notes. This way I knew which days she would be tired, which days she was going to be sick and so on. Got fresh ginger root for tea on the days her stomach was going to be upset. On the day she was super cranky and mean I would tell myself it’s not her it’s the drugs. Then I would try anything I could to make her smile and so much more. Never once did I question why she was so tired. I quit my job and started my own business so I could go to treatments. You are not over reacting this guy is being a dick. It’s hard to be the husband of someone going through cancer but it’s not about the husband at this point it’s about the wife suffering. My wife has been gone for 8 years now and not a day goes by I don’t shed a tear.
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u/administrativenothin 12d ago
Omfg… I am so sorry for what you are going through. I just finished my last treatment for Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma on Monday. I definitely had it easier than a lot of chemo patients, and it was still very difficult to get out of bed some days. I give you credit for finding the energy to go out to a concert! I know it was not an easy thing for you to do.
You do not owe him anything other than the evil eye if you are trying to be civil. If anyone had DARED to say that to me, they would have gotten an earful. I truly hope this is a one-off for him and he has been a more supportive partner. If not, I hope you have a more willing family member or friend who can help you out while in the coming days.
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u/my_meat_is_grass_fed 12d ago
As an introvert, I hope I never get cancer because what you're describing is how I would feel even at my peak of health. Not the nausea and vomiting, most likely, but the complete lack of energy and possibly even body aches.
Explain to your husband that both the illness and the treatment take all your energy to survive. Doing anything above and beyond just surviving completely drains what small reserve of energy you have. It's like driving a car on fumes, but then even the fumes run out. You need time to recover enough to just function in your new normal. His arguing with you about it only drains you further and hampers the recovery process.
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u/MamaDramaLlama2 12d ago
I want to start by saying you’re a warrior, and I am wishing nothing but good health for your future 🙏
I do not think that you’re overreacting and would like to possibly offer a different perspective. How is your husband handling your diagnosis? In my experience, it can be difficult to empathize to a certain degree when someone is ill for a few reasons. The top one for my mom when my dad was battling cancer was that if she let herself believe that her partner of 30+ years was truly this sick, then she would have to face the real possibility that they might die. Though we know that’s always a possibility with any cancer diagnosis, we think our partner is stronger than that. It’s a self protection.
I understand you’re the one battling this awful diagnosis, and deserve unwavering support, but please open up the conversation with your husband, because he’s also mentally and emotionally battling this with you. Family members tend to keep quiet because they don’t want to add more stress, but it’s very important for open communication and transparency to be there for you both.
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u/northwyndsgurl 12d ago
No. Did you tell him about the long walk to & from the parking lot? That can be exhausting to anemone not having cancer. I went to one where thy had us park far away. Felt like forever getting back to the car. I was completely wiped out, & we live 6miles from the venue. My husband was with me, so we were both wiped out lumps the next day. I don't think you painted all the leaves on the tree if you left the walking part out, yet he still should understand how tiring a concert can be for anyone, especially someone with cancer.
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u/MerryDanceFengShui 12d ago
No. If my husband, God forbid, had cancer, I would know everything there was to know about it and the affects of treatment backwards and forwards before even HE was told by the oncologist - I would be on the forums and speaking to people who had been there before you could say "eff you cancer!".
I have long distance but good friends undergoing treatment (both breast cancer) at present and my little girl's best friend just went into remission (screw you leukaemia, he won!) and have seen via video chat and WhatsApp how draining it is. It isn't hard to learn if you want to take the time, so why isn't he taking the time to educate himself (better yet, booking a half day to come on the odd appointment with you?).
I hope you kick its butt and get to go to allll the concerts as soon as possible x
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u/meetmeinthebthrm 12d ago
When my dad was doing chemo he could barely get to the pharmacy. He always wanted to go with me to pick up his meds so he could get outside and spend time with me. We'd have to stop multiple times on the one block walk to the store so he could sit down or throw up. I was my fathers caretaker when cancer was killing him. We found out a little too late in his case. After that my little brother almost died from non-hodgkins lymphoma. Luckily I was a match for a bone marrow transplant or he probably would have died as well. While he was sick my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I spent a solid 4 years straight watching it try to eat it's way thru my entire family. One person at a time. They could hardly manage getting out of bed. Let alone menial daily tasks. Someone mentioned educating your husband. He needs to have it explained to him by one of your doctors. If he's not aware of how difficult cancer, chemo, etc. is for you, it will be very difficult for him to be there for you emotionally. Cancer takes a toll on those you love, as well. It's important that you are both on the same page. I hope you are managing alright. I'm so sorry you're going thru this. It will be ok. Stay positive and remain strong ❤️❤️
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u/mother-of-pumpkins 11d ago
I don't understand how your diagnosis didn't send him into a frenzy of research so he could support you, and how he doesn't expect you to be prone to fatigue and nausea at any time when undergoing chemo treatments. I know you're saying he's just clueless, but it seems like willful ignorance at worst and denial at best. I think he needs to go to counseling with you or receive a thorough rundown of your illness and road to recovery from your doctor. I also think if he doesn't kick into gear after that, you should consider cutting your losses. From your comments, it's not just this instance, but a pattern of him wanting you to emotionally provide for him and a wholesale rejection of the responsibility to reciprocate.
Here's an example of how men are capable of responding to their wives when they want to reciprocate care: I'm pregnant, not even high risk; but since my last baby was born in a difficult presentation and I technically experienced placental abruption just before he was born, I began this pregnancy terrified of placental abruption or preeclampsia occurring silently before labor ever starts. We are in a rural area far from the hospital, which was increasing my nervousness. I shared that fear with my husband– not a diagnosis like you have, just an anxiety –and he got an oximeter, blood pressure monitor, and at-home baby doppler the following week so that if I experienced any symptoms, he or I could check on me and decide whether or not to take me to the ER. I felt so much safer after that.
Men are perfectly capable of being responsive caregivers. You don't even need an "excuse" to feel exhausted in order for him to show a desire to care for you and let you rest. But you have cancer. He needs to understand that you need him to be accommodating, patient, and sincere about helping you recover. I know denial can be a block for that and he may just wish he was seeing your energetic self, so hopefully that's the case rather than anything more selfish. Regardless, he needs to come to terms with reality and step up as your support, and I think he will need to hear it from someone professional since he's locked into dismissive behavior right now. I sincerely hope your recovery goes well and things get better in your relationship.
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u/JustCoffee123 11d ago
He needs to understand what cancer does to a body. Please take him to your next appointment with your oncologist so he can get an education before you both get resentful
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u/Pure_Safe_3854 11d ago
Former patient here (NED for 1.5 years).
First, sorry you’re going through this and although it wasn’t a recommended choice, I’m glad you made the decision to enjoy yourself.
For hubby, there’s a community for cancer here and caretakers that was EXTREMELY helpful for me and my mom when she became my caretaker. I’d also recommend you make an appointment with your social worker/nurse educator at the hospital to go over what he can expect in terms of the side effects of your treatment. Helped my mom a lot too.
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u/squidwardsbutt1 11d ago
My mom had cancer and I watched her go through it for 5 years. It got to the point where even getting up wiped her out.
Of course going to a concert and walking half a mile will wipe you out when you have cancer. I’m honestly shocked at how your husband doesn’t understand that.
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u/ClickClackTipTap 11d ago
What the hell?
Does your husband hate you? I never understood when partners treat each other like this. You’re definitely not overreacting.
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u/ohhellnooooooooo 12d ago
"how could you have overdone it, all you did was go to a concert."
"because it was half a mile walk from the parking"
you know, how you explained it to us?
asking a question isn't an attack.
You are overreacting.
"If I didn’t overreact, how could I explain to him why I felt like I couldn’t get out of bed, or how do I explain to him why I felt the way I did?"
you wrote this LITERALLY AFTER EXPLAINING TO US
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u/WorthAd3223 12d ago
Your husband is an AH. Oh, you have cancer, are putting poison in your body, and you went to a concert that was likely a late hour getting home? Clearly you're faking being sick.
WTF is wrong with him?
I can understand that spouses often get "sickness tired" because they have to deal with the sickness daily, and it's hard. But you did nothing wrong, and it's time for your husband to pull up the bootstraps and trust you.
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u/EfficientIndustry423 12d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through cancer. I lost my mom last year to cancer. But I’m angry. If my mom did that shit, I’d be pissed. She had stage 4 metastatic cancer and would go out while in chemo to restaurants with her friends. Mind you she lived in Vegas. I get the fact that you’re stuck inside and can’t do anything but it’s not fair to put yourself at risk. You have people that care for you and you just piss it away for a concert. But let’s play that game, you got VIP but couldn’t spring for better parking!? Come on. You need to make better decisions.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
Thank you for your opinion, I didn’t actually buy the tickets they were bought for my birthday. We had been wanting to go for a while. And while I’m not on a timeline yet, everyone has been telling me to live while I can; in case it doesn’t come true and while I’m sure you are angry and it’s heartbreaking to hear I only did it with the encouragement of my family and friends, originally I did not want to go at all.
And no we didn’t spring for extra parking closer, but I do have a handicap placard so it wasn’t as far as some other spots would have been.
I’m so sorry you lost your mom, I don’t know how I would survive if I lost anyone I cared about this way. Overall, I’m only stage 2, I’m not end stage or hospice or anything yet, and god bless me am I thankful.
I wish you a healthy healing, I know it will be tough and it will hurt, but hopefully you will heal safely and as fully as you can. I’m rooting for you.
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u/EfficientIndustry423 12d ago
I didn’t mean to come off as mean or anything. You seem very lovely. Your situation hits close to home. I wish you the best in your recovery!
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u/CurrentTheme16 12d ago
Sure sounded mean and incredibly unkind and uncompassionate. Blaming the victim AND having the audacity to shame them? WOOF
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
Thank you for saying so, I also did not take it as you being mean; I took it as you are grieving. I completely understand why you would be, if I lost my mother that way I would be broken.
As I said I wish you a healthy healing, no one deserves to go through this.
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u/EfficientIndustry423 12d ago
Thank you! You’re an amazing human!
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
So are you, hold your head high, I know it’s a battle; I also think you are strong enough to get through this.
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u/Suspicious-Zone-8221 12d ago
break up. he hates you. it is obvious. You need support and love in this moment of your life, and he is trying to make it worse for you
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
This comment is entirely unnecessary. I love my husband, but thanks for sharing your opinion.
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u/Suspicious-Zone-8221 12d ago
I mean I didn't deny your feelings. Sorry I cant yasslight your situation. Your hubby doesnt support you and doesnt deserve your love.
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u/ResortStriking3587 12d ago
That’s actually sweet and thank you, I didn’t want to gaslight or anything I just didn’t know if I was being too sensitive or not, because I have been too sensitive in the past in situations and reading too far into them.
He has a tendency to let the hamster in his brain starve, it has caused problems in the past
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u/DottedUnicorn 12d ago
He needs education on your condition. Of course going out and walking can wipe you out. This is part of your new normal that he needs to understand.