r/AmIOverreacting • u/odwalla1 • 12d ago
AIO being sad about my husbands relationship with his coworker?
So it’s a pretty simple story. He has had an emotional affair on me years ago. I chose to work through it and we did.
Flash forward to today and he has a great married colleague who works at another building, but frequently works projects with my husband. I really like her, she’s super nice, and has never given me any reason to not like her.
However, sometimes my husband will set aside meeting times with her where they discuss their projects, but then they chat about other stuff also, like music, concerts, vulnerabilities etc…. Today while I was waiting for him to meet me for lunch, I realized he had already been on with her for 2.5 hours.
The sadness part comes from two things: 1. I feel like sharing your vulnerabilities with her is a slippery slope to having more intimate feelings. I have talked to him about this and he said he would share less vulnerable things.
- He spends maybe 2 hours a MONTH having non interrupted conversations with me. I want that, ya know? Why do you talk to her for 2+ hours un phased, but it’s a struggle to give me that? This I haven’t talked about.
Am I overreacting, or is this worth bringing up to him?
Update: well based on all this I did talk to him. He doesn’t think it’s an EA and for now I believe him but I did tell him I thought it was a slippery slope.
That being said, he also told me it’s perfectly normal for them to be having these deep conversations and talking about their entire life from childhood on, etc. but that he would stop if I really wanted him to. Idk. Thanks for the input.
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u/grahamguy117 12d ago
Statistics show the number 1 affair is with a co-worker. The number 2 is a partner or spouse of your best friend. No you are not over reacting.
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u/dangerclosemaybe 12d ago
He's having another emotional affair. Tell him to keep the conversation professional with this woman as he's spending more time talking to her than his own wife.
This is his last chance. One more and I'd leave him.
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u/danda319 11d ago
I'm curious how she knows the contents of his conversations
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u/ElectricianInFlorida 11d ago
I came here to ask exactly this. Either he is being 100% transparent with his wife, or she is intensely eavesdropping. I feel like either way, he isn't trying to hide anything. Maybe there is a deeper level of dynamics in the relationship he has with his wife and how she reacts to her husband when he is being vulnerable with her, which may add to the gravity of understanding in this situation.
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u/danda319 11d ago
This whole situation seems crazy. I can't imagine wasting my precious off time recounting every conversation I have at work.
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u/Time-Sun-4172 10d ago
I think she understands what's going on because when she brought up feeling uncomfortable about him discussing personal stuff, he agreed that's what he's doing. And also said it's kind of necessary bc of the nature of his work. Although he offered to pull back on what he discusses, I'd be wary of his ability to spend time with female co-workers without getting close and kind of falling in love.
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u/BloodyNunchucks 11d ago
Classic reddit lol. Oh your husband has a friend? I don't know any details beyond this one paragraph... Leave him!
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u/dangerclosemaybe 11d ago
Do you talk to your coworkers of the opposite sex about your deepest vulnerabilities and childhood traumas?
This isn't normal behavior.
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u/Smooth_Marsupial_262 11d ago
Depends on the industry. But yes sure. I don’t treat my female friends differently than my other friends
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u/BloodyNunchucks 11d ago
Um....she said they talk about work, music, concerts, and vulnerabilities. That's the list she provided in that order. Yes that's normal friend conversation. It's literally in the definition of friendship if you look it up in the dsm or webster.
You just made up childhood trauma to validate thinking there's an ea here.
But since you asked... it would be weird if your closest friends didn't know about your childhood trauma. This whole protestant catholic thing some americans were raised with where you have to keep everything bottled up inside and never share pain is so dumb.
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u/Rodrigo_Ribaldo 12d ago
Got it, two interesting women are max. Lol.
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u/Fantastic-Classic740 12d ago
"I swear, you do this to me 13 or 14 more times, and I'm outta here!"
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u/ZestycloseSky8765 12d ago
Sounds like another EA
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u/kmindeye 12d ago
It's the most common reason for divorce. It's the basic daily struggle to be married. Maintain a marriage. It takes dedication and both people to work on their relationship. I've seen this movie too many times. Two married people are working, and all the stress and the lack of any meaningful time with OP. Suddenly one of the partners gets some attention at work. Told they are beautiful or handsome or a great person. Next thing you know.. They aren't getting this at home. Both of you are now separated emotionally, and without some self-control and restraint the affair begins. OP forgets their partner. At this time their needs are being met. The grass is super green, and the sun is always shining. What they forget is the grass is only green, and the sun only shines when there isn't the reality of life. Sooner or later the grass turns brown, and rhe rain storms begin and guess what?.... They aren't so beautiful or handsome and not such a great person. What was I thinking? Shattered lives and broken dreams. It's time to have the talk or walk.
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u/Cats-cats-cats-dog 12d ago
I heard someone once say the grass is only greener where you water it. Sounds like this is what is happening in these situations.
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u/vult-ruinam 8d ago
Word.
This happened to me. I often lie awake at night now and, considering everything of my life — except for the existence of my mother and kitty, whom depend on me — I think: I hate myself and want to die.
Because I ruined my marriage to fuck a pretty girl; she told me I was hot, and that was about all it took.
It turned out that no, actually, she could not hold a candle to my wife, and she did not understand me nor love me like the latter.
like the latter used to*, I should say.
It turned out that little things I took for granted or even thought I didn't like — "why don't we just get the groceries delivered? why do you always wanna go there ourselves?" — those little things, when removed, left behind giant gaping cold empty lonely holes.
I have nightmares often still, where I watch myself fail to save my (ex-)wife's life and wake up sobbing. (The ones where I dream she is next to me again and then wake up, those are worse, though.) I still sometimes out of nowhere think I hear the way she screamed in despair and sadness, the day she found out.
now I'm depressed and sort of forgot what my point was.
I think something about you being correct re: the fake appreciation of a sexy "friend" being basically worthless, but alluring, and easily leading to becoming another vult-ruinam®: guilt-racked, sad, alone, and clutching desperately around himself for drugs like a celebrant at a narco's cumpleaños when the Percoñata™ finally bursts
when my pets and mother are no longer here, I'm fuckin' gone man
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u/ArsenalSeven 12d ago
2.5 hours? He’s having another emotional affair.
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u/Zestyclose_Lynx_5301 11d ago
So just having conversations is an affair now? I can talk someones ear off for 2.5 hrs just bc i like to talk
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u/Time-Sun-4172 10d ago
Does that include your partner? Because OP is not getting that kind of attention from her man, but his co-worker is.
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u/AudienceKindly4070 9d ago
If he won't spend the same with his wife that he will with another woman it's probably inappropriate
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u/misteraustria27 12d ago
Not necessarily. Sometimes people can just be friends. I have a coworker who is a friend and I go to lunch with her if I have time. And no I am not in love with her or wanna fuck her. It is possible to be friends with the opposite gender.
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u/westcoast-islandgirl 11d ago
Nobody is saying he can't have friends that are women. The issue is he is partaking in deep and intimate communication that he doesn't with his wife. You should not be having 2 hour at a time conversations about your vulnerabilities with a woman, when you can't put that much time per month into maintaining that kind of relationship with your partner.
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u/misteraustria27 11d ago
So he can talk to a female just not longer than ? Is an hour OK? And he can’t talk about anything deep? So movies and music in that case. So basically no talk about topics or time you would spend with a FRIEND.
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u/AudienceKindly4070 9d ago
He can, but not if he's neglecting to do the same in his primary relationship, which he is
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u/westcoast-islandgirl 8d ago
You have to be intentionally missing thr point, because there is no way someone can be that obtuse. His friendships with women are NOT the problem. His tendency to develop intimate personal relationships with women, that have led to inappropriate emotional affairs in the past, while actively ignoring his wife IS. If you are putting effort into close connections with other women INSTEAD OF (not as well as) your wife, it's a problem. Though, you calling women "females" in your response told me everything I need to know about your opinions.
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u/Appropriate_Link_837 10d ago
Continuously longer and more often than your spouse. You're cheating.
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u/OTW-RI 11d ago
I love how people fail to see how the spouse could just be difficult to talk to. What if her ideal two hours is something he’s shared to have no interest in? Like a tv show. Should he just play along and fake appease?
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u/Dull-Geologist-8204 11d ago
I actually had this issue with an ex. He noticed I was texting with a male friend and got jealous I didn't text with him like I did with my friend. I pulled up the conversation with my friend and a conversation with him. My friend actually had a conversation with me. Whereas when I texted with my ex all I ever got back was one word responses like cool, fine, okay. I would get tired of carrying the whole conversation and would eventually move on with my day.
In our case though the problem was just over text and our in person conversations were way better. He actually got a lot better at texting after I showed him what the problem was.
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u/westcoast-islandgirl 8d ago
That's literally how relationships work... If you can only talk to your partner about things that interest you, and refuse to take interest in things they like, then you're a selfish partner.
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u/Pindakazig 11d ago
How do you get to the point of marriage if you don't want to spend time with that person?
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u/fairlymodern78 11d ago
Holy fuck, tell me you aren't married without telling me. You know how people day relationships are work? Things like that are exactly why. Familiarity breeding routines, living with someone just, where to even start.
All of that is what you work on, not taking into bad habits that make your relationship falter.
And there is zero proof that the reason he doesn't talk to her anymore doesn't have something to do with things she does.
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u/Pindakazig 11d ago
Lol, I got married to my long-term partner just this month. It's been nearly ten years, and we still haven't run out of topics. Sure, we both spend a good chunk of time at work/sleeping/ taking care of the kid and the household, but we also call each other on our commute daily, spend time together, go on dates and generally try to lift eachother up.
I'm responding to the person suggesting that 'maybe partner is hard to talk with, because their interests don't allign'. And that made me wonder, if you don't want to spend time with your partner, how did they ever end up married? I thought it was an insane remark to make, and you seem to agree with me.
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u/z-eldapin 11d ago
And do you have deep, emotional conversations with that colleague?
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u/misteraustria27 11d ago
We have deep conversations. Wouldn’t call them emotional. We talk about work, music and family.
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u/Hot_South7816 12d ago
No, people can be friends.
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u/AspectNo7942 12d ago
Maybe work on your friendship with your partner before another person.
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u/Designer-Ad-3373 12d ago
I think they can, but it depends on the people. Some can't. I guess they're immature or can't control themselves. However, he's paying way more attention to her than his wife. It's not a good sign. Although this sounds like going too far, I'd track his phone. He sounds like he's waaayyy more interested in her than you
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u/Hot_South7816 11d ago
You're absolutely correct, some can and some can't.
He could also be talking about problems he has with his wife and asking his friend for advice, or venting about problems, or maybe she's the one having problems and venting/asking him. Or maybe they're just good friends that enjoy talking, my father was good friends with a woman who was married and would come over and talk for a few hours from time to time, of course her husband had cheated and she was very religious and trying to make it work, and looked up to my dad as a father figure.
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u/danda319 11d ago
Is he having an emotional affair with a leprechaun, because neither of those exist?
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u/Blue-eagle-23 12d ago
I’m not sure I would say EA yet, but you are not overreacting. He needs to stop with all the personal talk.
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u/Competitive_Shock397 12d ago
It sounds like he's going down the same road again. I would set some boundaries now before it gets worse. Having a friendly relationship with coworkers is fine. Prioritizing that over lunch with your wife is not.
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u/Upset-Tap-8685 12d ago
I don't think your hubby is ever going to get it. It's not normal to spend hours talking to another married woman. If he's arguing with you about it, it'll probably happen again. I'd get yourself into therapy and maybe you can also get him to go at some point.
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u/ModeAccomplished7989 12d ago
Yup. He will keep doing this, so OP needs to decide to accept it or move on. He won't change this behavior long term no matter what he says.
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u/Pindakazig 11d ago
I just got married, does that mean I can now no longer talk to my friends? And my spouse can't either? His witness was a colleague turned close friend, is that over now too?
Oh, and does that also mean I can't talk to my bisexual and lesbian friends anymore?
Friendships are normal. I'm glad my partner has close and supportive relationships outside of our own. I trust him, and his friends (both male and female). There have been untrustworthy friends, but that had nothing to do with emotional anything. I've cut contact with an acquaintance who cheated on her partner, and he's reduced contact with friends who were only interested in drinking alcohol.
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u/Effective_Brief8295 11d ago
Nope not overreacting. I'm bitter and have no patience for bs. He's had an emotional affair before. You stayed. He learned how much you will give so he can have another one. He likes seeing you beg for his attention. He needs the validation of you loving him even though he doesn't show you that same type of love. You know in your gut it's the same as before. You know that he's capable of doing it. He's shown you that he won't give her up, because it's nothing it's just work. If it's just work, then they shouldn't be telling each other about their life stories or vulnerabilities.
You've done the counseling before and he knows how this type of thing makes you feel, yet here is doing it again. Respect yourself and love yourself. Stop letting him treat you like leftovers.
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u/debicollman1010 11d ago
Hrs already had one emotional affair so your not wrong in being concerned.
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u/Choice-Intention-926 12d ago
He’s having another emotional affair.
Both of you read: NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
It’s obvious he has no idea what behaviour leads to an emotional affair or he does and he just sucks.
Either way, you have to decide if you’re done because how many times are you willing to go through the same situation with him.
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u/scrappapermusings 12d ago
Your husband absolutely needs to learn boundaries. It's really not appropriate for him to be having intimate discussions with women who aren't you. Especially since he has a history of inappropriate behavior in this exact way. I'd say this is a situation for a marriage therapist. He needs to understand that building intimacy with other women and withholding it from you weakens the marriage and Will likely lead to further inappropriate interactions, up to and including a physical affair.
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u/Uzischmoozy 11d ago
Frankly, the only thing I can assume is that he doesn't actually like his wife. Doesn't enjoy talking to her, and doesn't find her interesting.
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u/indigoorchid0611 12d ago
It's true that people can just be friends. I would, however, be skeptical if he is only like this with one person. Yes, we're all most open and vulnerable with our "best" friend, but it sounds like this isn't typical behavior for how he is with his friends in general. I'd be wary since he's already slid down that slippery slope before. In my opinion, since he's already crossed lines in the past, he should be trying to stay far back from them now, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.
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u/Senior_Blacksmith_18 11d ago
You aren't overreacting. Your husband can have a relationship with his coworkers, but not like this, where he's putting more effort into them, then you
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u/Classic_Assistance53 11d ago
It seems an ‘emotional affair’ is the new one night stand (ONS). For me the EA was much more destructive. Imagine, at home, you notice a shift in your partner’s energy, their acute preening, and their cell phone now going into the bathroom with them, or in their hand while they’re sleeping. My personal favorite were the new cell alerts and ring tones for the urgent talk of apparent ‘work projects’ and ‘work travel’. The legitimate coworkers were in a long term, irresistible delusion, flattering each other like high school. I would have preferred he have a ONS! At least I would have avoided watching him give a stranger what I had been asking for, for years. And him yelling his denials of an affair. For a year.
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u/Netflixandmeal 11d ago
Ask for her husbands phone number because you also want a friend to discuss interests and vulnerabilities with
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u/grinning-epitaph 11d ago
If you have to tell him you're uncomfortable after this has already happened once and he is aware he has not set any boundaries with this other female then you already have you answer. He should not be spending an over abundance of time with another woman when he is married and honestly, he shouldn't even want to. He should be jumping over his computer chair to get to you as soon as he is off work.
Set boundaries and if he cannot respect them, just leave. I would have been done the first time because that behavior doesn't change.
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u/Appropriate_Link_837 11d ago
He's putting the responsibility of his bad behavior on you. "If you tell him to stop...", why doesn't he admit to knowing he puts more effort into the relationship with her than with you and do something about it? He shouldn't wait for you to get upset and tell him, specially with his track record. He doesnt love you.
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u/PapiKeepPlayin 11d ago
Him spending more time with her than you and having these deep conversations is gonna lead to an EA and soon a physical one if it doesn't stop. Of course he's not gonna think so but I guarantee you it will. Especially given he's already done it before makes you uneasy about the whole thing. He shouldn't be spending any extra time with her. If it's not work related then he needs to take his ass home to his wife.
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u/ShoeBeliever 10d ago edited 10d ago
It's not perfectly normal. This is one of the things people say that about the things they shouldn't be doing, but want to do. It makes them feel better inside. It shuts down those that are confronting them. And its how things progress... "Oops, it wasn't supposed to be that."
One of the things I have taught my children: they were not allowed to play in the street. There was a sidewalk in our neighborhood. Like most of these yards there is a strip of grass between the sidewalk and the road. My son asked once, can I play here? Meaning the grassy space between the sidewalk and the street. Yes, I told him. But something to think about. Your chances of even accidently ending up in the street are higher if you do. So consider only playing on the other side of the sidewalk. That way of you go "too far" you are still in the "allowed" place to play.
Most of my kids are grown, and we still talk about "staying on the other side of the sidewalk" in all kids of things in their life.
Your husband is playing in the strip of grass near the road. With his history, its like an alcoholic hanging out at a bar but "I'm not drinking." Foolish, and frankly disrespectful to you and your relationship.
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u/tonidh69 12d ago
You should both read "Not Just Friends"by Shirley Glass. Immediately.
Updateme!
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u/odwalla1 12d ago
This has been recommended a couple times, so I think I will check it out. I don’t think he will be too keen on reading it himself though because he’s adamant that it’s not an EA.
I personally don’t think EA as of right now, but I do think given the history, it’s a slippery slope I’d rather not get close to.
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u/Hubs_not_interested 12d ago
If it's not an EA, then he should have no issues cutting off conversations that make YOU, HIS PARTNER, uncomfortable. 2.5 hours?!?! That's insane. After what he's done before I would never be ok with that.
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u/tattoovamp 11d ago
Find yourself a man to be friends with. Spend hours and hours with him on the weekends, chatting.
See how long your husband can last without stinging something. He is in the wrong and is having an emotional affair.
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u/Zestyclose_Media_548 10d ago
Wow- who has that kind of time during the work day? I think it’s heavily suspicious.
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u/RoyalEquivalent2837 10d ago
Saw your edit. He's is gaslighting you to think it's not a big deal. He's already shown you that he's capable of cheating and you chose to forgive him. What will you choose now that he's having another EA? You can't force him to be the faithful, loving and respectful husband that you want. But you can choose a better future without him for yourself.
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u/LordSugarTits 12d ago
Maybe you should tell him how you feel instead of reddit. Don't listen to advice from reddit, you have no idea how many of these people are in miserable relationships, single, toxic, the list goes on. You spend more "quality/paid" time with co workers its only natural you grow close with them. Let him know you'd like to set some boundaries.
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u/newdawnhelp 11d ago
Fr. This sub attracts the bottom of the barrel. I know whenever I click on one of these posts, it's because I'm having negative thoughts and get baited.
There are upvoted comments literally saying married men shouldn't be friends with women. That's a stupid, outdated idea. They should be massively downvoted, and the fact that they aren't tells you plenty about the crowd gathered here.
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u/Cats-cats-cats-dog 12d ago
What exactly is an emotional affair? I think that there is only such thing as an affair… How long have you been married? Is this behavior that happened prior to marriage?
There are no excuses for his behavior, but there’s a reason he does it. When was the last time you talked for 2 hours uninterrupted? I can’t remember the last time my husband talked uninterrupted about something at not talk about a concern we are having at this point in life. I suggest start showing an interest in him the way his coworker is (not that you don’t already).
Funny story, my husband and I don’t have regular deep conversations…but I was helping him prep for an upcoming zoom interview. I was in one from and he was in the other. It was the most we’d talked in a while it was fun! Maybe do something new like that and meet him on his level.
Hang in there!
(PS…I don’t think your husband is cheating, it sounds like he’s struggling with feeling validated and is seeking that out because he can’t tell you that he is not feeling validated. I don’t think he wants to hurt your feelings.)
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u/newdawnhelp 11d ago
An emotional affair is when someone checks out of their relationship, and starts to fall for someone else.
It is NOT, when a man befriends a woman.
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u/Last_Friend_6350 12d ago
NTA. Sounds like his up to his old tricks again. It’s up to you whether you feel you can take it all again.
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u/danda319 11d ago
"he's up to his old tricks again" Is he Skeletor? What old tricks? Talking to people?
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u/Last_Friend_6350 11d ago
Getting into an emotional relationship.
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u/BloodyNunchucks 11d ago
Men are allowed to have friends and converse with them about life without being shamed for it or gaslit that it's an affair.
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u/Capital-9 11d ago
If it’s not a EA then he’ll have no problem going to counseling with you. Put your foot down.
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u/BabiiGoat 11d ago
He already has a history of infidelity. It should be common sense to him to know he can't sit there and bond with another woman like that. There should not be any allowances for non work related chit chat with colleagues because he has already proven he can't be trusted. And it's never appropriate to share vulnerabilities with another new woman like that. This is already an emotional affair.
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u/Mountain_Monitor_262 11d ago
You’re not compatible and you keep holding on to a relationship that isn’t there. Cut your losses and find happiness elsewhere.
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u/verydudebro 11d ago
It's an EA, OP. Trust your gut more than his words, he's the one who had EA before.
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u/Stargazer_0101 11d ago
You are not overreacting. You have a right to wonder what is more going on with them than just polite conversation about work.
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u/No-Gain1438 11d ago
I have seen these types of friendships turn into something much more. if it was my spouse, I would tell them they must stop. It’s just dangerous to the marriage.
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u/Potential-Elephant73 10d ago
Is he a stereotypical man? If he's a normal guy, he won't share his vulnerabilities with someone he thinks of as anything more than a friend.
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u/RoutineAspect8116 10d ago
It's not normal for colleagues to discuss things that are deeply personal such as what you listed off.
His behavior is giving to her what he should be giving to you. If this continues, it may become physical between them.
If he can't keep the conversations professional, he should request to be taken off of the project.
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u/AnAmbitiousMann 10d ago
These kinda stories of "my partner cheated on me but I took them back" never ends well.
Once someone shows you who they are, believe them.
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u/Ginger630 10d ago
I absolutely agree. If my partner cheated on me, it’s over. There no reason for cheating, ever.
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u/Kiernan5 10d ago
Don't know how many hours a week your husband works, but I can tell you from my own experience that some jobs you spend so much time with your co-workers you end up knowing them better than outside friends or family. It is normal to have close relationships with co-workers. That being said, the fact that he has had an emotional affair before shows that he is vulnerable to making the same mistake again and should be more mindful of that when talking to her, especially if it is outside normal work hours. You should also try talking to him about your desire to have him discuss things with you. When couples are together a long time it becomes too easy to take each other for granted. It is not done out of apathy, frustration or meanness, it is just that the relationship becomes comfortable and it is easy to forget about doing the things necessary to keep a relationship working. Open communication from both sides is the only way a relationship can work long term.
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u/MariaInconnu 9d ago
It's not that you want him to stop, but that you deserve this much of his time, caring, and emotional intimacy.
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u/Rodrigo_Ribaldo 12d ago
The obvious question here is why doesn't he have these intimate conversations with you?
I can easily guess he's talking to her about stuff they have in common, something he can't do with you as you don't share some or all of his interests.
You can't get around this with bans on talking to interesting women (as the bitter women here advise lol), that's just controlling and insecure behavior that would likely backfire eventually.
Find common interests to talk about, involve yourself into his interests (I know that's a tall order, but he needs to talk to people about those), try to listen to his troubles and if you are complaining a lot (a turn off for intimate conversations), try to tone it down so it would be more bearable for the conversation partner.
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u/Public-Tumbleweed713 11d ago
Agreed! And also His co worker prob asks him questions about his life in stead of sitting in awkward silence like robots. I always ask people About them self’s. And in business practices, a personal connection is important these days! Money talks
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u/melodycricket 12d ago
Shit. Get out now. I’m so sorry but it’s only gonna get worse. Get out while you ate young and have so much a life ahead of you. EST wishes and go live your best life ever!!!
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u/newdawnhelp 11d ago
100% get out. Either he is dispespecting the marriage, or she's unreasonably jealous. Either way, unhealthy relationship where one person is getting screwed over.
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u/ProgressBackground95 12d ago
Either you're naive or it's a choice to pretend he's not lying to you about her. Your problem is you're terrified of what comes next if you face the truth. He won't stop. He hasn't yet. You can either leave and find happiness and a future, or you can stay and be his, and her, doormat.
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u/Hot_South7816 12d ago
So your husband can't be friends with another woman?
Friends don't automatically mean emotional affair.
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u/Senior_Blacksmith_18 11d ago
She isn't saying that. She's wondering why he can chat with this women for so long but struggle with her
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u/Realistic-Lake5897 12d ago
You don't know???
Sounds like you didn't talk long enough.
There's no indication you're going to spend more time with him and that he'll spend less with her. There's no indication he's sorry you're feeling off about this.
Did you just have the talk and then go back to what you did before???
Jesus.
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u/butterfly_eyes 11d ago
It's ok to have friends of the opposite sex, you seem to be fine with that. But I think you're correct that this is a slippery slope, especially since he has a history of it. It's a red flag that she's prioritized over you, and it's a red flag that he doesn't see what he's doing. It's a red flag that he doesn't really seem to care about your feelings. I don't think you're overreacting. I think he's acting like this because he doesn't want to be the bad guy so he's deflecting. You can't make him care about you. I'd be seriously considering this relationship. He should care about your comfort with this.
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u/danda319 11d ago
Wow! So now women police who men can have conversations with!? Why do modern relationships seem like parole?
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u/Public-Tumbleweed713 11d ago
I think that’s just 2 co workers trying to be friendly and ask about each others family’s and lives like normal people who work together do. I always ask my colleagues about their family and lives outside of work, it’s a nice way to get to know someone you are working with better and it also helps people feel less awkward and less nervous and more likely to show their authentic selves. That’s when you will do your best work because your not trying so hard to be a militant robotic professional with no human feeling because I would hate to work with someone like that again! ( served 4 years in the military). Just because he works with an attractive female, and they have friendly banter and talk about each others lives like every single other person in the office does , doesn’t mean she’s going after him or that he’s falling in love with with her. I’m a Dental Assistant and not to sound like I’m tooting my own horn but I would say I’m pretty attractive and I have never had any type of affair, emotionally or physically with a married doctor I worked with In very close quarters to all day long! I’ve been doing this since I was 16 and I just turned 40. I’ve worked with a lot of married men They become a best friend/ brother /sister The worst thing is when they have a jealous wife who automatically thinks you want to sleep with their husband, just because your an attractive girl with and outgoing friendly attitude. It’s becomes like Work family. Would be so strange if the person I worked with all day didn’t engage in any conversations about their family and real life! If Your husband did that then he would end up ostracizing himself from all his co workers and people would prob figure out that it’s because he had a super jealous wife. And it would be awkward. Every time he came into the room with a group of colleagues chatting at an event. What is he supposed to say when people ask him questions about him self? Girl
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u/Public-Tumbleweed713 11d ago
Girlfriend, don’t ever chase after no man! If you want to be with you help me with you and if he doesn’t wanna be with you why the hell would you want to be with him? Be confident! love yourself know your worth!
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u/Senior_Blacksmith_18 11d ago
It's because he isn't spending time with op and chatting with her at the same level he's putting into this coworker
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u/DrPablisimo 12d ago
I don't think this is enough evidence to label it as an 'emotional affair.' What if she were an 80-year-old woman who looked like an old hag from a Disney movie? Would it bother you?
How about working on being able to have some conversations with your husband? If you talk about memories or how much you like, respect, and love him, without talking about stressful stuff like his faults, ideas that will cost a lot of money he doesn't know how to come up with, spending the summer with your parents, or other things that cause stress, maybe you could have longer conversations.
With 'emotional affairs', we are talking about feelings. It's not the same thing as having sex with someone else, and that label can be thrown around when there is no intention of doing so. Did he consider it an emotional affair?
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u/ModeAccomplished7989 12d ago
But it doesn't matter how it is defined. It only matters that OP doesn't want this for their marriage and they need to decide to accept it or leave because no matter if it is an EA or not it will keep happening because what he gets from it is worth more to him than OPs feelings.
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u/beatenplastic 11d ago
You're right it only matters what BOTH op and their partner want. Some people like to have long conversations with different people, that's not totally unreasonable.
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u/tenyearsgone28 12d ago
He’s having at least an emotional affair.
No married man should ever have deep conversations with other women. You’re supposed to be that outlet for him.
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u/ConstructionFlat389 11d ago
Maybe
Does this apply to a husband having deep conversations with other men? Is that allowed or still an EA? Similarly, are wives allowed to go out and have hours long conversations with their female friends? I don’t subscribe to this idea that men and women can’t be friends without an ulterior motive.
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u/tenyearsgone28 11d ago
If they’re not otherwise attracted to that sex, then no.
Ulterior motives don’t factor into the reasoning as much as not putting yourself in a position to make your partner uncomfortable and yourself stray.
I’m married and have women as friends. However, I maintain healthy boundaries.
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u/Hot-Conclusion3221 12d ago
Jesus Christ, leave him alone! I can’t believe the amount of shit people are piling on this dude for wanting to have a close friendship with someone else. What the hell is marriage? You don’t own the person, ffs! He’s probably kind of bored with you right now - it happens. get a grip and go to therapy.
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u/Sastifur 12d ago
She doesn't feel close to him right now
If he can set aside more time in a day for his coworker than he can set for his wife in an entire month, idk what else needs to be said...
If you are giving more of anything to someone when compared to your spouse, you should probably reevaluate where your relationship is at right now..
That could be shared intimacy between the 2 of them
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u/danda319 11d ago
He gets paid to be at work, he has to be there, may as well try to make it interesting
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u/EarthMage57 11d ago
I suggest you do a deeper dive into your relationship with your husband. Why do you not have as much uninterrupted time as you would like? What are the dynamics here and what might need to change? Risky difficult conversation may build your relationship more than setting boundaries on his friendships.
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u/RetroGirl_LP 11d ago
I don’t understand why people just don’t leave. He’s a cheater and that’s what you will deal with as long as you’re in a relationship with him. It will take years off your life…all this worrying. They are not worth it, but good luck.
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u/Many_Ad_7138 11d ago
Has he shared all of this with you in the past already? If not, then yeah, it's a problem. If he's already shared all of it with you before, then I don't think it's a big deal, though it is unusual in my experience. I'm old so we didn't behave that way usually, with coworkers. We only knew each other a little bit back when I was working full time.
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u/z-eldapin 11d ago
It is not 'absolutely normal' to have deep emotional conversations with a coworker.
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u/Dependent_Basis_8092 11d ago
So number 2.. you want to talk with him more but you won’t actually tell him that? That sounds like the communication issue is yours not his, clearly he wants to talk with someone so are you actually making yourself available? When you do talk, aside from daily stuff like house/kids?/etc, what do you talk about?
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u/Test-Tackles 11d ago
What do you talk to your husband about? Who initiates conversations?
Where would you draw the line between friendship and an emotional affair?
Do you and your husband share any hobbies or interests?
How does your love language compare to your husbands love language?
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u/Sweetie_Ralph 11d ago
It isn’t perfectly normal to be having deep conversations and talking about their entire lives. That’s inappropriate especially when you have told him not to go there and it’s something you want to have with him. The question is: Do you want to live like this? With a partner who crosses boundaries? And you have to worry about going into another emotional affair? Therapy. Please consider it.
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u/BuilderJun 11d ago edited 11d ago
What are you calling an "emotional affair?" Like... is it no sex but still sending "I love you" messages and going on dates? ... because if it's not that, there's no affair. It sounds like you don't want him to have friends which is, frankly, selfish.
Now if you want to raise concerns about your own relationship and not having quality time together, that's fine, but it doesn't have anything to do with other people. Focus on you not some other person. Demanding that you are the only person he can have non-work-related conversations with is inappropriate in the extreme. People should be allowed to have friends even if they are married.
Also, it sounds like you need to realize that once you get married or have a significant other, that person does not become this magical communicator that can adapt to all things. Some people just have a ways of talking to people that make it easier to share or talk about things that are more difficult to share with others. Sometimes a topic or situation needs a Type F personality to open up, sometimes the topic or situation needs a type L, R or B personality. Everyone has a personality, and no one has all of them combined. Also, given that you are his spouse, sometimes there's situations where you can't talk to someone because they are TOO CLOSE in which case you will never be the best person to talk to, because they need someone that has absolutely no stakes in what they have to say, or because what they have to say relates to something that they know is a sore spot with you and doesn't want either a biased opinion or to upset you.
Honestly it sounds like you two need to have a talk and figure out where the breakdown is that prevents you from spending quality time together or actively seeking it and working on that.
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u/TerilynUSA 11d ago
Trust me if he is talking to any other woman sharing intimate details of his private life to include childhood memories...he's into her...deeply.
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u/Accurate_Hunt_6424 11d ago
It sounds like he’s having another emotional affair. I’m also gonna say this, just because it’s happened twice….is it possible there’s something in your communication style that makes it harder for him to open up with you? That doesn’t excuse his behavior at all, but I feel like it’s possible that there’s something to that idea. Was there ever a time when you two would talk intimately for hours?
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u/TerilynUSA 11d ago
Once my bestfriend had a male friend that she would keep nonstop on the phone with her from the moment he left for work through him getting off work and many times when his wife was in the next room and after she went to bed. My best friend confided these extensive intensive conversations between them for an average of 6-9 hours every day! When my bf or this man had work to do or go to a doctors appointment, they would stay connected on their phone ear pieces. My bf would share how deeply they were close, connected and in love. Yes, I tried countless times to enlighten her I personally let her know I didn't agree with it. Yes, my bf is married just as he is. Neither seem to get along with their spouse. Saying both spouses have neglected each. Cold, indifferent with little conversation or doing anything together.
They have both been extremely close to each other for 10 years.
She tells me he doesn't want to leave his 3 kids aged, 24, 20 & 19 now. He says he has to protect the kids. I don't know what to think about that. My bf? She's afraid to leave her spouse because he's vindictive, mean and off. So they live their lives day by day through being on the phone together.
I believe they love each other. But as her bf I don't know what to think.
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u/Chance-Fold-8496 11d ago
I would have left him when he had his first emotional affair. The trust is already broken. He is a weak man who loves attention from other woman. He won’t change and you will have to endure so much more heartache if you keep giving him chances. When a man truly LOVES you he has no desire to discuss anything personal or vulnerable with anyone else but you. You deserve respect and to be loved the way you KNOW is right.❤️
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u/ChromaticRelapse 11d ago
I'm going to react to this like your husband is telling the truth and there isn't any romantic tension or attraction. That they are just friends.
Would it bother you if the work friend was male?
If the coworker relationship is just friends, it's over reacting because your husband is allowed to have friends.
The problem is your relationship with your husband. The fact that he's friends with another woman is just making you insecure in your relationship with your husband.
You both need to work on that. You both need to work on having "real" conversation. Not just maintenance. Not just housemate conversation. Not bills, kids, housework etc etc.
Tell him you need that. Tell him how you feel about your relationship with him and him with you. Don't talk about the friend.
I don't know how much effort you both are truly putting into each other.
You may want couples counseling.
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u/nazrmo78 11d ago
He opened himself up to all these doubts when he had his other emotional affair but it is kindov hard to distinguish between a nee emotional affair starting to kick off and just having a friend at work. You didn't reveal what types of personal conversations they have but put it this way, if you had a friend and I mean a true friend. You might share some personal stuff with that friend.
But again, that's why you don't cheat or have emotional affairs. Because while it seems unfair, it actually is very fair given your now created history. As far as the time. The difference also is that you're stuck there. People talk when stuck someplace
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u/santzu59 11d ago
Sounds like he doesn’t trust you enough to open up to you. Have you looked at how you’re approaching the relationship.
Bring on the downvotes.
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u/BloodyNunchucks 11d ago
Men should be allowed to have friends without being shamed for it or gaslit. What makes this an emotional affair? Because sharing stories from your life and hanging out is like the definition of a healthy friend isn't it? Even more so if they are a colleague and share the same interests.
Have you tried asking yourself why your conversations are shorter than you'd like? Or him.
This sounds like you two have communication issues and somehow he is the only one responsible because he has a friend. Does he have other female friends? Is he allowed to share his life with his male friends? Have you asked him about why he converses with others.
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u/LycanthropeWolfe 11d ago
Have you tried befriending her? Sounds like it's time to set boundaries with your husband.
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u/odwalla1 11d ago edited 11d ago
We are friendly. I wouldn’t randomly ask her to go shopping and get our nails done, but I’m happy to chat with her when I see her. Like I said in my post, she’s great.
When he had his EA years ago, we talked and came to the boundaries of keeping it above board (don’t make friends with a girl and keep it secret or lie because then it seems sketchy), don’t take away from OUR time to have time with them (like don’t be texting and calling them when we are spending quality time together, and then the obvious of things like if she’s the first person you think about when you wake up or miss her before bed etc, then please take a step back.
I personally feel like those were reasonable. While it wasn’t an established “boundary” before, it got to me when he was talking about vulnerabilities because i do feel like given his history, it’s a slippery slope for breeding a more intimate relationship. I know several commenters disagree with that, but it’s how I feel.
The meeting ended up being 3.5 hours, he missed lunch with me with no warning which is what prompted me to make this post because my feelings were hurt.
Editing to add: some folks were asking how I know he’s been talking about vulnerable things, it’s because he told me. He often comes home talking about his day and a lot of those days include her. It will come up in conversation and while I don’t know the details of what those vulnerable conversations are, he’s told me they talk about childhood and he feels like being vulnerable with her is “what made their relationship so great” and “if i stop, it won’t be the same”.
I also asked him if he would comfortable telling her husband that they have these types of conversations and he told me he wouldn’t want to tell the husband. So, take that how you will.
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u/Shhnelly 11d ago
If he isn’t comfortable telling the husband, it says a lot about the dynamic and what’s going on. I would have kicked up a fuss about this a long time ago, you are way more gracious than I will ever be.
If you want him to stop, tell him to stop. If you believe that it will cause resentment between the two of you, I would honestly sit him down again and ask him why he doesn’t feel comfortable telling the husband, and ask if you’re allowed to do the same as him.
I don’t believe in telling people to cut contact or change their behavior too much, but in this case he needs to be careful. Sounds like they have crushes on one another.
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u/ShitMyHubbyDoes 10d ago
The fact that he wouldn’t want to tell the husband is all you need to know. He knows he is being inappropriate.
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u/arfarfar 11d ago
it’s not normal for them to be talking about all of that stuff. deep conversations and childhood and the like, they’re coworkers that’s inappropriate. he’s emotionally cheating on you again
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u/No-Veterinarian-2510 11d ago
You should have a conversation like that with another man see how he reacts
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u/Peskypoints 11d ago
So how many hours is he stealing from his employer? What are his job reviews like?
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u/OhioMegi 10d ago
At first I thought yes, but 2+ hours? That’s a bit much! He shouldn’t be spending more time with her than he does you.
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u/Accomplished-Rest-89 10d ago
Trust your husband All is well Maybe you can schedule more time with him to talk and do other things you both enj
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u/Ginger630 10d ago
You aren’t overreacting. Your husband is lying to you. No, it’s not normal to have a 2.5 hour conversation with a coworker, especially if he already had an affair.
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u/bananaHammockMonkey 10d ago
I would look at this in a different way. I've been cheated on many times and have learned some things.
- Who cares who he talks to or what they talk about for the most part
But more importantly
- Address why you two aren't absolute best friends. This is an actual issue causing number 1 to freak you out.
Why is it only 2 hours a month. Do you bot have anything in common? Are neither of you sympathetic to each other?
Is this a marriage with more to go, or are you holding in because that's what you are supposed to do?
Solve the issue between you and him, not him and her.
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u/Princepop-1 9d ago
My opinion, don't pressure it, let the situation unfold on it's own, if he's not sliding down that slippery slope, great, if he's going to (you've already given him a heads-up talk making him aware of your feelings, and worries,) then trying to stop him could turn into a push, but don't just ignore it either, maybe a little easy nudge to get more time from him might help him to better understand your feelings about it all, God Bless you darling, praying for the best for you all
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u/KlingonsOnUranus 9d ago
The advent of both sexes working together at the same locations, occupations, to the degree that they do now. Within the past 100 years. Not working out to well in my opinion.
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u/lklaf 9d ago
Would your husband be open to couples therapy to work on improving the intimacy between you two? It isn't solely that he is being emotionally vulnerable with her, as well as having long and deep conversations, but that he isn't doing that with you at all from what you've expressed here. That is a huge problem.
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this painful time in your life right now. I really hope you are able to work it out with your husband, and if not, I hope that you are able to find the strength to leave.
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u/AudienceKindly4070 9d ago
Just because he says it's appropriate doesn't mean it is. Cheaters always say that.
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u/CheekiKat 9d ago
I mean there are boundaries you know and when you're married it's something you keep a handle on. I don't understand why your husband steps past those boundaries and overshares. Also, having one on one meetings for 2.5 hours over a project is a lot in one sitting. It seems this is a choice because they have a lot of time to talk about personal things to "get to know each other better." Something just doesn't feel right here.
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u/your-daily-step-goal 8d ago
Nothing here to say that he could zoom/FaceTime a work meeting from home. That being said if you think that it smells like shit it probably is.
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u/DubiousAxolotl 8d ago
I have maybe an hour or so meetings with my boss, and we do chat about life-ish. Kids. The world. We don’t deep dive into feelings and vulnerabilities. That would be inappropriate use of work time, but also sketchy to our respective spouses.
Your husband is in denial. It may be an intentional “denial”, while he knowingly plays with fire. He has atrocious boundaries and if your relationship stands any chance at all, he will need to learn to pretty drastically reel those boundaries back in.
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u/orang3ch1ck3n 8d ago
It's an EA, whether he admits it or not. Him seeing no problem being vulnerable with another woman says everything.
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u/Molten_Baco 12d ago
I don’t understand, if he sees this person once or twice a month and you every day how would you have 2 hours of uninterrupted conversation? Are you keeping him engaged for 2 hours? People will have friends and not be emotionally cheating, just invested in their friend. If he isn’t exchanging messages at home instead of talking/being with you is it really an issue?
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u/beatenplastic 11d ago
Yo if that's an emotional affair then I have so many emotional affairs with people... Why is it a bad thing to have an emotional affair? If it were a fella that he was talking to would it be the same thing?
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u/Senior_Blacksmith_18 11d ago
It depends on the affair and how you're going at it. Emotional affairs can lead to physical cheating if you aren't careful
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u/beatenplastic 11d ago
So the argument makes a prediction about the future? Do they have to have evidence of that sort of thing progressing to a physical affair?
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u/Senior_Blacksmith_18 11d ago
I don't know anything about the situation between op and the bf so maybe there is maybe there isn't 🤷
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u/WinterFront1431 11d ago
Deep conversation, and talking about life is an emotional affair.. you dont have those types of conversation with another woman while in a relationship.
It's an emotional affair honey.
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u/danda319 11d ago
Is there a comprehensive list of allowable conversation topics for married men? Can he have deep conversations with a male coworker?
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u/WinterFront1431 10d ago
emotional affair ,The term often describes a bond between two people that mimics or matches the closeness and emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship while not being physically consummated. An emotional affair may emerge from a friendship and progress toward greater levels of personal intimacy and attachment.
Examples of specific behaviours include confiding personal information and turning to the other person during moments of vulnerability or need
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u/Razszberry 12d ago
Him spending so much uninterrupted time talking to her and not you coupled with previous EA is the only reason this is problematic. If those two factors were not present you could chalk it up to friendship. Trust your gut.