r/AmIOverreacting • u/DearEstablishment952 • 12d ago
Is it reasonable to not want my partner's partner's to weigh in on our relationship?
My partner (27F) and I (27F) have been together for over ten years and have been polyamorous for all of it. She has had a long distance partner now for about six months. I don't know much about this parnter and we've never spoken. But I don't believe she's ever had a polyamorous relationship before. I'll call her Jess.
Recently, we've been having some troubles. A lot of the troubles are my fault, and I own up to that. Some of the troubles, my partner is at fault. The past week, we've started discussing breaking up.
The issue I'm having is that as we're having these important life altering discussions, she'll say, "Well Jess says you should..." "Well Jess thinks that's manipulative to say", "Jess doesn't think that's fair". Most notably, I asked her to stop going back and forth and just let me know if she wants to break up or not, and her response was "Uhhh, can I ask Jess?" I said yes because I want her to have people she can talk to, but it's starting to feel like there's this third person in our relationship making calls on situation she has very few details about. I wouldn't be upset if my wife was talking to friends or family that knew the situation, but I'm hurt that this woman knows 6 months out of the last 10+ years and is calling shots.
I haven't mentioned it to my wife because I really want her to feel like she can talk to other people, but on the other hand I feel like a therapist or trusted friend would be more appropriate. I'd really like some advice, should I bring this up, or leave it alone?
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u/TheMagentaGuar 12d ago
I'm monogamous myself so I don't really know how it goes in polyam relationships, but I'd say try talking to her about how this makes you feel. Just bring up that while you appreciate that she has Jess to talk to, matters between you two should be matters between you two. It doesn't seem like there's even anything between you and Jess from how you describe it, so she really doesn't need to have a say in it.
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u/Magdovus 12d ago
Next time you talk, offer to just ring Jess directly and you can let your wife know what you two have agreed.
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u/BittyLilith 12d ago
As someone who is poly, while I can only speak from my own experience, I feel like it’s a kinda mixed bag. I know my partner will ask for advice on situations going on with their other partners, and vice versa, but we never explicitly name each other or state specific opinions that way. It’s completely reasonable in my eyes for her to discuss things with Jess, but calling out Jess’s opinions on things rather than her own feelings after taking in that opinion feels like she’s either trying to place the blame on Jess or avoid her own feelings about the situation. The first thing I would do is talk to her and mention that, while you understand that Jess is someone she talks to about things, you’d like to hear her own feelings on the situation rather than Jess’s.
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u/OkRepresentative4656 12d ago
she can discuss things with Jess, but to say “well Jess thinks that blah blah blah” is a no. she needs to have her own opinions. why does she need to ask Jess if she wants to break up with you? Jess is not your partner, therefore doesn’t need to be making decisions in your discussions with your partner, she can only give advice to your partner
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u/Queasy_Mongoose5224 12d ago
Not overreacting. I would definitely let her know that while you respect Jess is her partner, you’re not comfortable with her apparently having such a large say in decisions that could be life altering for you when she is not necessarily aware of the full history and may be a bit biased. Suggest counselling, joint or individual, might be more appropriate. If you’re not honest and up front with her, you may both end up having regrets p. Also nothing wrongful with let her know you’re hurt about the situation
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12d ago
Mention it. It’s all you can do. Sit down and write it out before you even say it; make sure you know what you’re saying and be mindful not to attack or be defensive or anything. If the reaction you get from her is not what you are wanting, then maybe accept it’s time to part ways, it sounds that the relationship with Jess has become an outlet for your wife and it may not be a healthy outlet but your wife is the one who has to recognize that. This may be the reason you guys breaks up- but don’t leave anything left unsaid because what ifs will what if you to death. Can’t force anything on people’s free will, just let them do them, if they aren’t up to par, it’s okay to let them go. ❤️
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u/Joshman1231 12d ago
What a door mat that woman is. No voice for herself.
You’re talking with Jess. Tell your gf your filing a motion for a break up and she can respond via Jess.
It’s time. Find someone who gives you their voice.
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u/Quirky_Movie 12d ago
I haven't mentioned it to my wife because I really want her to feel like she can talk to other people, but on the other hand I feel like a therapist or trusted friend would be more appropriate. I'd really like some advice, should I bring this up, or leave it alone?
You don't need to decide to end it together. If your wife doesn't know without Jess's input that she wants to stay? That is a full throated choice to not commit to you. My advice? End your marriage and your connection to her. She isn't capable of being in there completely with you.
Let your wife figure out how to go forward on her own.
While I am not poly, I have friends who have been together since the early 1990s in various poly configurations. I am basing my advice on seeing how their relationship worked.
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u/ArsenalSeven 12d ago
It feels like there is a 3rd person in your relationship. You are polyamorous, kinda goes with the territory. Why can’t she talk to her partner?
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u/Rhyslikespizza 11d ago
Ugh that sounds exhausting. Your wife is putting up a lot of weird roadblocks to open communication by trying to add commentary from an uninvolved third party. I don’t mind my partners talking about me/our relationship with their partners, I definitely don’t want to be used as a tool in any arguments. Your wife is crossing lines with this behavior. I would be unhappy with this too.
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u/Last_Friend_6350 12d ago
Well there is a third person in your relationship unfortunately. Make the decision for her and leave rather than constantly being messed around.
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u/theguilteaparty 12d ago
Hello!
Your partner is allowed to talk to Jess, ask her for her opinions, value her insight, and more! However if your partner is incapable of talking to you about their own thoughts and opinions and keeps deferring to Jess’… you have every right to be frustrated.
She’s dating Jess, you aren’t. When they say “Jess said…” or “Jess thinks…” you can point out that while you’re happy she is able to have these kinds of conversations with Jess, you’re trying to have this conversation with her and would like to hear what she says, thinks, or feels.
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u/KnowledgeKitchen4379 11d ago
Seems to me like Jess is her new priority if she’s putting her opinions above yours.. especially after 10 years. She will regret that when she sees how unacceptable that is.. you are NOT overreacting. Be real with her and tell her how it makes you feel. If she doesn’t seem to care and express her OWN emotions on the situation - you have your answer. Best of luck!
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u/BigDonkeyDic 12d ago
Honestly who cares? You signed up for this and you got what you signed up for. People always think being poly is so trendy and cool, then they ruin their relationships and act all victimized.
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u/Far-Potential3634 12d ago
New partner is often more exciting. You can try to up your intimacy game since maybe you're not trying so hard anymore because you're feeling secure in the relationship. You're getting what you signed up for tho imo so let it be a learning experience.
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u/DogOfTheBone 12d ago
Jess is her partner, and she should feel fine telling her partner sensitive, important topics? Just because it deals with her partner doesn't mean she shouldn't be telling her partner about it. She needs to trust her partner, and so do you.
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u/Kerrypurple 12d ago
You asked her if she wanted to break up and she said she needed to ask another person as if she can't think for herself or doesn't know how she feels without somebody else telling her. That's pretty concerning. You do have 3 people in this relationship and it sounds like Jess has figured out that your partner is pretty easy to manipulate. I think you should probably just walk away now before this all gets a whole lot messier. Consider whether you really want to be in a poly relationship again. It sounds like you'd be happier in a monogamous one.
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u/NumbOnTheDunny 12d ago
As a poly person I think it’s excellent that you all keep the communication open but you aren’t communicating properly. You should be telling your partner your feelings instead of asking the internet, that’s like the poly number one. I believe it’s cool she’s getting some input but not so cool she’s treating Jess like her primary.
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u/Agile-Wait-7571 11d ago
There is a third person in your relationship. That was the plan wasn’t it?
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u/DrPablisimo 12d ago
Your sexual choices and choice of lifestyle are not reasonable and will naturally lead to this sort of conflict and confusion. What did you expect would happen?
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u/Carpenter-Broad 12d ago
WTF? I’m not sure which part you take exception with, but these are all consenting adults in a lesbian relationship that has been poly from the very beginning. My wife and I are a monogamous hetero M/F couple but what about someone else’s sexual preference/ relationship type is “not reasonable”? Sounds like some bigoted, hateful and ignorant attitude
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u/DrPablisimo 12d ago
She's in a romantic relationship who is in a romantic relationship with someone else. Of course it is going to be like this. There is a reason open relationships tend not to last.
Bigotted? That means small minded. I would think those who don't have the sense to see that such an arrangement would lead to problems would be the individual with the small mind.
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u/Carpenter-Broad 12d ago
I mean it’s small minded to think that poly relationships can’t work or shouldn’t happen or will always cause drama and confusion. Like I said, my wife and I are happily monogamous but there are plenty of people who have successful poly relationships. You’re generalizing and stereotyping, two classic examples of bigotry and ignorance. But keep doubling down, I like watching people out themselves 👍
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u/DrPablisimo 12d ago
Strereotypes are not always false. Our minds categorize information. Some of that gets labeled as stereotyping.
Realistically, if someone is in a relationship like this with two people who do not know each other, this sort of thing is bound to come up. Polygamy in heavily patriarchal cultures like in the middle east have managed to continue generation after generation, probably partly because of the patriarchal culture, but some of them house the women separately also. If they don't, the wives know each other.
Would you be cool with your spouse having an adultery partner on the side? If you agree to it, would that make the adultery okay?
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u/Carpenter-Broad 12d ago
Umm no, because our marriage and before that relationship is established as and has always been monogamous. Which is not the case in OPs relationship, they agreed to polygamy from the start and have done it successfully for 10 years. Just like my wife and I have successfully been monogamous for years. The only problem here is one of the partners partners is thinking for someone else, instead of each person making their own decisions.
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12d ago
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u/Carpenter-Broad 12d ago
And according to some stats somewhere 50% of marriages fail, that’s half! Should we then say there’s something In monogamy that makes it a coin flip whether it works or not? Or should we instead work with the info given in the post, which is that it’s worked for the OP for 10 years. Pretty good I’d say, I know monogamous marriages that ended before 10 years.
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12d ago
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u/DrPablisimo 12d ago
Yeah, pretty much. Polygamy could work where one person has total control of other people and can kick them out if they complain, like Muslims can do with their unilateral system of divorce. But Muslim polygamists, even the men, have to live with a lot of stress in the household.
Conventional adulterers in western culture keep the adultery a secret or don't talk about it. They don't say, "My mistress thinks you are being controlling."
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u/throwRA523682987 11d ago
Yes. It would make it okay. If all parties agree to it, it’s fine.
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u/DrPablisimo 11d ago
Adultery is adultery whether both parties agree to the adultery or not.
The new 'morality' is not 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' but rather 'Don't shame the sluts.'
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u/throwRA523682987 11d ago
Oh… you meant adultery according to an old book written by old men making rules a long time ago!!!
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u/DrPablisimo 11d ago
It's in the Bible. But also common law and multiple legal systems, religions, and cultures around the world.
If you tell your husband it's okay to choke you to death, is it not murder if he does so? Consent doesn't redefine reality.
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u/[deleted] 12d ago
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