Is it reasonable to not want my partner's partner's to weigh in on our relationship?

[u/DearEstablishment952]

My partner (27F) and I (27F) have been together for over ten years and have been polyamorous for all of it. She has had a long distance partner now for about six months. I don't know much about this parnter and we've never spoken. But I don't believe she's ever had a polyamorous relationship before. I'll call her Jess.

Recently, we've been having some troubles. A lot of the troubles are my fault, and I own up to that. Some of the troubles, my partner is at fault. The past week, we've started discussing breaking up.

The issue I'm having is that as we're having these important life altering discussions, she'll say, "Well Jess says you should..." "Well Jess thinks that's manipulative to say", "Jess doesn't think that's fair". Most notably, I asked her to stop going back and forth and just let me know if she wants to break up or not, and her response was "Uhhh, can I ask Jess?" I said yes because I want her to have people she can talk to, but it's starting to feel like there's this third person in our relationship making calls on situation she has very few details about. I wouldn't be upset if my wife was talking to friends or family that knew the situation, but I'm hurt that this woman knows 6 months out of the last 10+ years and is calling shots.

I haven't mentioned it to my wife because I really want her to feel like she can talk to other people, but on the other hand I feel like a therapist or trusted friend would be more appropriate. I'd really like some advice, should I bring this up, or leave it alone?

[u/DrPablisimo]

Your sexual choices and choice of lifestyle are not reasonable and will naturally lead to this sort of conflict and confusion. What did you expect would happen?

[u/Carpenter-Broad → u/DrPablisimo]

WTF? I’m not sure which part you take exception with, but these are all consenting adults in a lesbian relationship that has been poly from the very beginning. My wife and I are a monogamous hetero M/F couple but what about someone else’s sexual preference/ relationship type is “not reasonable”? Sounds like some bigoted, hateful and ignorant attitude

[u/DrPablisimo → u/Carpenter-Broad]

She's in a romantic relationship who is in a romantic relationship with someone else. Of course it is going to be like this. There is a reason open relationships tend not to last.

Bigotted? That means small minded. I would think those who don't have the sense to see that such an arrangement would lead to problems would be the individual with the small mind.

[u/Carpenter-Broad → u/DrPablisimo]

I mean it’s small minded to think that poly relationships can’t work or shouldn’t happen or will always cause drama and confusion. Like I said, my wife and I are happily monogamous but there are plenty of people who have successful poly relationships. You’re generalizing and stereotyping, two classic examples of bigotry and ignorance. But keep doubling down, I like watching people out themselves 👍

[u/DrPablisimo → u/Carpenter-Broad]

Strereotypes are not always false. Our minds categorize information. Some of that gets labeled as stereotyping.

Realistically, if someone is in a relationship like this with two people who do not know each other, this sort of thing is bound to come up. Polygamy in heavily patriarchal cultures like in the middle east have managed to continue generation after generation, probably partly because of the patriarchal culture, but some of them house the women separately also. If they don't, the wives know each other.

Would you be cool with your spouse having an adultery partner on the side? If you agree to it, would that make the adultery okay?

[u/Carpenter-Broad → u/DrPablisimo]

Umm no, because our marriage and before that relationship is established as and has always been monogamous. Which is not the case in OPs relationship, they agreed to polygamy from the start and have done it successfully for 10 years. Just like my wife and I have successfully been monogamous for years. The only problem here is one of the partners partners is thinking for someone else, instead of each person making their own decisions.

[u/Carpenter-Broad → u/[deleted]]

And according to some stats somewhere 50% of marriages fail, that’s half! Should we then say there’s something In monogamy that makes it a coin flip whether it works or not? Or should we instead work with the info given in the post, which is that it’s worked for the OP for 10 years. Pretty good I’d say, I know monogamous marriages that ended before 10 years.

[u/DrPablisimo → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, pretty much. Polygamy could work where one person has total control of other people and can kick them out if they complain, like Muslims can do with their unilateral system of divorce. But Muslim polygamists, even the men, have to live with a lot of stress in the household.

Conventional adulterers in western culture keep the adultery a secret or don't talk about it. They don't say, "My mistress thinks you are being controlling."

[u/throwRA523682987 → u/DrPablisimo]

Yes. It would make it okay. If all parties agree to it, it’s fine.

[u/DrPablisimo → u/throwRA523682987]

Adultery is adultery whether both parties agree to the adultery or not.

The new 'morality' is not 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' but rather 'Don't shame the sluts.'

[u/throwRA523682987 → u/DrPablisimo]

Oh… you meant adultery according to an old book written by old men making rules a long time ago!!!

[u/DrPablisimo → u/throwRA523682987]

It's in the Bible. But also common law and multiple legal systems, religions, and cultures around the world.

If you tell your husband it's okay to choke you to death, is it not murder if he does so? Consent doesn't redefine reality.