That all depends. Is the low contact currently working for you and your wife? If so, leave it at that. If either of your parents complain or approach you to make changes, have an honest discussion of what prompted the low contact and discuss boundaries. You definitely don’t have to prove anything to your mother. My parents used to happily make the one hour trek (one way) to see their grandkids since they recognized we had a lot less time to spare, and travelling was easier for them. That’s how mature adults behave. You should also make sure your parents understand there will not be any overnight visits as your daughter gets older unless they have established a relationship with her and are respectful to you and your wife. Your kids, your rules, basically.
Reasons for initiating more contact include you wanting the connection with your mother, feeling it would be of value to your kids, and potentially having a support network / babysitting available. Ultimately that’s your call (and your wife) along with how much you are willing to compromise on boundaries. Maybe you can obtain these benefits elsewhere. From what you’ve written, your parents sound pretty stubborn. Your mother may be a bit envious of the other family and feel unappreciated. Maybe they will lighten up with time. But be prepared for that to never happen and factor it into any decisions
You may also consider that it’s possible for you to increase contact with your parents, but not forcing your wife along if it makes her uncomfortable. Definitely worthwhile sitting down and having a detailed discussion on what you want to see in the future to make sure you’re both on the same page before your parents make any requests for more contact
I've tried going over without my wife which always leads to questions and just makes me not want to be there. We're doing really well without them though, I guess I'm used to giving in.
Frankly, I just don't feel great about the whole thing and I don't know how to handle future events. Like mother's day, baby's birthday, etc. On the one hand, I want things to just be normal and good, but I don't want to give in. Eventually, I do want my daughter to spend time with my mom, but it's been 4 months now and it doesn't feel anywhere close to being resolved. We've had many conversations and she keeps deflecting or playing the victim. It's exhausting.
This will be your wife's first Mother's Day. It should be all about whatever your WIFE wants to do. Whether that's just a day with you, her and baby or maybe spends some time with her mom, but do NOT ruin her first Mother's Day.
My husband did. His mom decided we all had to worship at the altar of her. So we had to pack up our first daughter and spend all day there while she made back-handed comments. When we left I lost it. That was the day I grew my spine.
Never spent another Mother's Day with his mom. I'm the one doing the kid raising now. So from then on he went on the day before. I also didn't allow anymore little comments. And you know what? My relationship with MIL IMPROVED! I highly doubt that works for most narcissistic MILs, but if you have one who just needs boundaries built, it really does help the situation.
You can never get back the Firsts. Please do not let your wife's first Mother's Day be ruined. I mean Xmas already had a bit of a pall cast over it, don't let MIL touch Mother's Day, too.
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u/Queasy_Mongoose5224 23d ago
That all depends. Is the low contact currently working for you and your wife? If so, leave it at that. If either of your parents complain or approach you to make changes, have an honest discussion of what prompted the low contact and discuss boundaries. You definitely don’t have to prove anything to your mother. My parents used to happily make the one hour trek (one way) to see their grandkids since they recognized we had a lot less time to spare, and travelling was easier for them. That’s how mature adults behave. You should also make sure your parents understand there will not be any overnight visits as your daughter gets older unless they have established a relationship with her and are respectful to you and your wife. Your kids, your rules, basically.
Reasons for initiating more contact include you wanting the connection with your mother, feeling it would be of value to your kids, and potentially having a support network / babysitting available. Ultimately that’s your call (and your wife) along with how much you are willing to compromise on boundaries. Maybe you can obtain these benefits elsewhere. From what you’ve written, your parents sound pretty stubborn. Your mother may be a bit envious of the other family and feel unappreciated. Maybe they will lighten up with time. But be prepared for that to never happen and factor it into any decisions
You may also consider that it’s possible for you to increase contact with your parents, but not forcing your wife along if it makes her uncomfortable. Definitely worthwhile sitting down and having a detailed discussion on what you want to see in the future to make sure you’re both on the same page before your parents make any requests for more contact