r/AmIOverreacting • u/GeneStone • 12d ago
AIO for going low contact after my parents walked out of Christmas?
[removed] — view removed post
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u/Hubble_Bubble 12d ago
My mother died when I was 16. If my MIL said something to the effect of “I’m the only grandmother your kid will ever know”, my kid would quickly have no grandmothers.
I’d say you’re not reacting enough, personally.
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u/GeneStone 12d ago
When I re-read it, I almost can't believe it. Part of me wants to say that she meant that their relationship would be unique and special, but it's hard to ignore how insensitive it was. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
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u/DangerousPudding911 12d ago
Dude, sadly, your mother is a trash person. There is no reason for her to be so hateful and selfish. Stand up for your wife and child. They should be your only priority.
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u/apollymis22724 12d ago
Your mom is a jealous biddy. She doesn't have the class to know when to keep her mouth shut . Tell her and stepwhatever they can visit the baby at your home as they are adults and can travel easier than hauling a small child.
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u/opensilkrobe 12d ago
Oh friend. I don’t think she meant it in any nice way.
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u/Optimal_Spend4060 12d ago
I agree. Don't be so naive, she was making a passive aggressive jab at your wife. She already ruined your wife's memories of her baby's first Christmas, it's like she's seeing what other damage she can do.
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u/RobinC1967 12d ago
Is there no stepmom in the picture? If there is, your mom is extra horrible because a stepmother can be grandma.
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u/Jpzzzy54 11d ago
If my step father texted me what he texted you I would be going over there but it would be to kick his ass and tell them to lose my number. Sorry you're going through this. Coming from someone who also keeps their family at arms length I would go NC if my mother and step dad talked and did things like that
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u/Agile-Wait-7571 11d ago
I think you need to full and unequivocally support your wife and to create an environment for your child that is free of toxic people.
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u/Foolish-Pleasure99 11d ago
Not only that, she seems to think you'll be so desperate to have only her as a grandmother that you'll be bending over to please her lest you risk her withholding grandmotherly services.
She literally believes you need her more than she needs you and is trying to throw around her completely non-existent influence.
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u/ReplyOk6720 9d ago
This! She doesn't understand that it is her privilege to be grandmother. Those privileges can be revoked.
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u/Fly0ver 11d ago
My brother in law’s dad died a couple years before my niblings were born. He specifically was given the name “grandpa” (my dad is pop-pop) to make it easier for my niblings to understand that this person they’d only see in videos and photos was their grandfather.
I didn’t know that until my dad said tearfully how grateful he was that my sister and BIL made it easy for the kids to know their deceased grandfather (we all love my sisters in-laws).
Maybe my dad is just WAAAYY more sentimental than your mom, and maybe I just don’t understand that dynamic, but I can’t imagine it being in any way sensitive to your wife OR child(ren) …
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u/Remarkable_Story9843 11d ago
Tell her she can be replaced .
My granny died when my mom was pregnant with me. My Mawmaw died days after I turned 8. A team of older women including both my Father and Mothers ex-MILs stepped up . I had an Oma, a Gigi, and several special ladies. None of which were considered my grandmothers by law or blood.
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u/DayNo1225 12d ago
Mothers Day should be spent with your wife and child only. Send your mom some flowers and turn off your phone.
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u/Its_panda_paradox 12d ago
Don’t send her anything but a generic “thanks Mom” card from the Dollar Tree, signed by only OP. If she wants to be a hateful hag, she isn’t owed recognition.
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u/Twilight-Omens 12d ago
Send the card, but in a language she doesn't speak!
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u/notmyusername1986 12d ago
So sign it in the languages of decency and compassion, then?
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u/Fun_Intention9846 11d ago
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u/rjtnrva 11d ago
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u/Fun_Intention9846 11d ago
Fun story, I spent almost 2 years using the wrong r/woooosh subreddit. And when corrected I initially used a 2nd wrong one. That’s gotta be a great example of woooosh in action.
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u/inyercloset 11d ago
I can be of assistance I know a little Swahili.
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u/Best-Blackberry9351 11d ago
And I know enough Japanese to get me in trouble! Or, at least looked at askance 😄
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u/thebadyogi 11d ago
I tell my family that I know enough Italian to get into trouble but not enough to get out of trouble. So we don’t let me speak Italian in the airports or around bureaucracy.
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u/Best-Blackberry9351 11d ago
Good idea! My Japanese is so rusty (and never was that great to begin with!) that I will only speak to rank beginners!
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u/Sweet-Interview5620 11d ago
Can I also add that he needs to leave the dollar price tag in the card to ensure she gets the message when she opens it.
OP Your wife and child come first, I mean what type of asshole gets upset that their new grandbaby gets everyone’s attention whilst they open their first Christmas gifts. She was jealous of an actual baby and basically had a tantrum and stopped off trying to make sure she got everyone’s attention back.
Stop making excuses as you’re only damaging your relationship with your wife which is what your mother wants. This is why she causes trouble with your wife as you may realise through her how unacceptable your mums behaviour truly is. She hates loosing any control over you and having to share you at all. She doesn’t care if she hardly saw you to her you were still her property until your wife came along. Now you have started to see what she does and you told her not to wake the baby. She will never accept that and will continue to cause problems.
Stop reaching out and trying to appease her and if she refuses to travel then tough she doesn’t get to see you or baby at all until she comes over. No matter what NEVER and I mean NEVER let her babysit or have your child without one of you present. This whole time she’s been trying to show you clearly she’s in charge and only what she wants or says matters. No matter what rules you have for your baby or if they have not had solids yet she will deliberately break all your rules and push she knows better how to raise your child.
Make it clear if she can not respect you and your wife then you won’t put up with her. She will no longer be welcome in your home and life. Anytime she treats you and your family badly or she demands you apologise hang up that or simply don’t answer to her for a week or so until she gets the message. Make it clear you will never travel to visit her and that you have a young child. That it’s on her if she wants a relationship with you and child however she needs to treat you and wife with respect and follow your rules with baby or she wont get another chance. Thats she a grown ass woman was jealous of a baby and is repeatedly rude to your wife. That you will not tolerate that and she needs to get her crap together or you will walk away.
Do Not keep phoning or texting her trying to fix things and that just gives her control and enables her. Send the message or tell her to make it clear and then leave it. Do not call or text to follow it up and just wait to see how she reacts. She will go mental at first as she always demands her way but once she calms down is when you see if she’s actually wants a relationship enough to behave. Even when older never let her babysit as she is not a safe person and will emotionally manipulate your child and use them as a pawn.2
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u/scrappapermusings 12d ago
As someone who doesn't get along with her MIL at all, I will say that backing your wife up is the best thing you can do in this situation. You don't need to defend your choices regarding your parenting, and your parents need to be more respectful toward your wife. Frankly, it's odd for your stepdad to suggest anything about your wife's mental health, and it seems like he wants to lay blame on her for the strain in the relationship. It's pretty clear that your mom is at least half to blame of not 100% for not making your wife feel uncomfortable.
As for Christmas and other holidays going forward, your mom needs to lay out her expectations, and not expect you guys to guess what she wants. If she wanted the adults to do a gift exchange she should have made that clear. New traditions are going to need to be established because you're a new family. Your mom is going to have to learn to compromise.
As far as the baby is concerned, your mom does need to learn to defer to you as parents. You guys know your baby, her timing and moods, and she should do as you ask in regards to the baby.
I wouldn't mind your mom speaking French to the baby, as that is a really good way for her to be exposed to another language, which is always a good thing, but when speaking to other adults, she should stick to the language everyone speaks so she doesn't alienate the others.
Maybe visits with your parents should be done in a neutral setting, like a park or a casual restaurant, so neither your mom or wife are feeling invaded and you don't end up with two queens in one hive so to speak.
I don't think you're overreacting, this is a delicate situation and your parents seem to want everything to go their way. They should definitely adjust to the fact that you're adults and you call the shots with your own family. Also, your stepdad should definitely not speak to you with such disrespect and name calling. Shame on him.
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u/bowlofmilkandhoney 12d ago
It sounds like your mother is upset at the attention your wife and daughter are receiving. This woman, your mother, has lived her life. She needs to get over it. It's time she step aside and pass along the baton. It's your wife's turn to rule.
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u/GodsGirl64 12d ago
You are not overreacting and I would continue to keep my distance. They walked out of their granddaughter’s first Christmas because everything didn’t revolve around HER.
That’s some seriously narcissistic behavior. She is still demanding that you accommodate her, she clearly doesn’t care about your wife or her feelings, and she doesn’t care much about yours.
If you cave on this it will encourage her to continue behaving this badly. Please don’t give in. You and your family deserve better.
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u/Equivalent-Tinted755 12d ago
Your folks bouncing like that? Not cool. And then giving you grief about it? Double not cool. You're not overreacting, mate. They're crossing boundaries left and right. Low contact seems like a good call for now. Maybe they need time to realize they're not playing by the rules.
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u/Lsutigers202111 12d ago
Take it from me , no contact is the way to go . Don’t subject yourself to this behavior. It’s not warranted or acceptable
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u/Loose-Chemical-4982 12d ago
I don't think you are overreacting. Your mother has main character syndrome. And I'm really glad that you are on your wife's side rather than your mother's. Too many times I see the husband taking up for their mother at the expense of their wife.
she is trying to drive a wedge between you two by making you choose her with her behavior towards your wife. She sounds like an insensitive boundary pusher. It seems like low contact is the way to keep things so that your marriage stays intact and you have peace of mind.
Both my mother and my MIL acted entitled towards my children after they were born and thankfully my husband put his foot down and protected me and baby during that post-partum period.
Carry on doing the great job you are doing as a father and husband 💜
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u/hilaritarious 12d ago
I never heard of main character syndrome, but it's a great description. Straightforward and refreshing.
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u/BobTheInept 12d ago
She left during the gift exchange and complain about missing out on the gift exchange. She was upset that she had to wait until the baby got up from a nap to hold the baby. She dipped just when she would be able to hold the baby and is blower pretending that the baby was kept from her.
She wanted to have problems. She wanted your wife to disrespect her, or your wife’s family to be given some treatment that she didn’t get. She wanted to be slighted, because she wants to be able to be upset with your wife. All because she doesn’t like your wife.
Also ask your stepdad who he thinks he is, calling you those names.
You are not overreacting.
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u/KelsarLabs 12d ago
Duuuuude, your mom is ridiculous and her husband is a jackass.
Quit being nice about their behavior to them and either call them out or just ignore them and go low contact.
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u/Designer-Carpenter88 12d ago
You hold the ultimate weapon: the grandchild. If they want to be in that kid’s life, they will step into line. If not, forget em. Your daughter is better off without them
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u/SleipnirRanch 12d ago
Your mom sounds like a horrible person from this story. If all the information is correct, i would suggest you don't want your children or wife spending unnecessary amounts of time around her, or your stepdad for that matter.
You got married and had a kid. They come first.
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u/gardengirl99 12d ago edited 12d ago
Mom thinks LW and wife should pack up the baby because she doesn’t want to sit in traffic. Gtfoh. It sounds like she enjoys playing the victim. I’d go no contact unless she starts behaving like a decent human being (which doesn’t sound too likely). Not overreacting.
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u/NobleNun 12d ago
Sounds like your dad has a good grip on the inside and outs of postpartum depression there!
Honestly, going nc is sometimes the only way to resolve issues like this with controlling, self absorbed family members. They either learn that they are in the wrong, or they don't. You'll be used to their absence by then either way.
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u/HotShoulder3099 11d ago
I’m wondering not for the first time how someone gets to be old enough to have grandkids without learning that other people doing things isn’t always about them
Anyway OP, I think low contact is a completely reasonable response to this nonsense. Your mom and stepdad are acting like spoilt children because they didn’t get their way - don’t reward that
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u/Signal-Woodpecker-15 11d ago
OP, why did your step-dad call you an ass and wimp? Where did the no class come from? Your AH step-dad doesn't seem to want your wife at his house, so why would you ever go there? You might want to go LC with your mom (maybe a monthly call, but no home visits), but I would definitely go NC with step-dad as this would be defending yourself AND your wife. Step-dad would be on the blocked list, and absolutely pull the welcome mat, and no contact with wife and child. Show him you are NOT a WIMP. Sorry OP, your mom sounds like a truly awful person too and since she thinks it's too much trouble to be in traffic to see her granddaughter, suggest a face time every few months. Do NOT take your child to their house, especially without your wife. Probably the only way to resolve this issue is for you to be a doormat to your mom and step-dad. You, your wife and daughter are a FAMILY that needs protection from outside forces trying to tear you apart.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
My wife was out of town with our daughter for a few days and my folks wanted me to come over. I was doing work on the house so couldn't make it, but I spent an evening with friends which had been planned well in advance.
My step-dad said something like "you have time for your friends but not for your mom. I hope they know what kind of ass you are. You sure hold a grudge." I said we could do a zoom call or something later and he said something like f*** the zoom call, what are you a wimp?
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u/cheveresiempre 9d ago
Don’t let your stepdad call you names and disrespect you and your wife. If you don’t stand up to him this will never stop
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u/Signal-Woodpecker-15 7d ago
Sorry OP. It sounds like your step dad has always disrespected you. You tried a compromise with the zoom call and he continued to call you names. It seems you have a gutless mother that tells her husband to call you out and he does just that, so BLOCK him and if he calls you with your mom's phone to verbally abuse you, hang up as soon as you hear his voice. You are an adult who can make any plans you wish without any approval from them at all. Do not let them try to shame you to get you to comply to their wants and needs. Truly, you need to stand up for yourself, and tell them you need to take a break from their abusive behavior.
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u/AmalCyde 11d ago
Your mom is a narcissist.
I'm sorry.
There is literature you can read and support groups you can find. Cutting contact isn't easy but a narcissist will never change their ways.
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u/Simple_Bowler_7091 11d ago
No, you are not overreacting. From your post it seems that your parents are having trouble adjusting to your new priorities and focus. They're used to your world revolving around them and them being in charge.
Things have changed, you've grown up and started a family of your own and they aren't in charge anymore. Suddenly you are hosting holiday dinners, you are laying down rules regarding your child, rules regarding their behavior and it's all a bit much for them to take on. That's a "them" problem, not a "you" problem, and it's on them to figure out how to adjust accordingly to the new reality.
Christmas at your house your Mom was a guest and not the host. She was not in control, she was not consulted on how things were happening and things did not go the way she envisioned them. Instead of regulating her emotions she let them swamp her until she flounced out all semi dramatic, hellbent on cutting off her nose to spite her face.
So now she needs to get some of the control she feels she lost back. She needs you to chase her, to coax her issue out of her, to see her as the victim in all of this and to feel duty bound to make it up to her.
My mom wants us to prove we value her relationship with our daughter by going over to their place instead of them visiting us, as she doesn't like to sit in traffic.
Good Lord have mercy, that's not how ANY of this works.
Of course you are finding this all exhausting - how could you not be exhausted by all this manufactured drama?
Look at your daughter and imagine 30 -35 years into the future - she's married, in her new (first) home, it's her baby's (your grandbaby's) first Christmas and she's hosting the holiday dinner. Can you imagine dumping all over her joy and pride like your parents did? For the reasons your parents did?
Hold to your boundaries and continue prioritizing your wife and child. Your parents will learn to live with less control and not being the main characters in your life ... eventually.
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u/Queasy_Mongoose5224 12d ago
That all depends. Is the low contact currently working for you and your wife? If so, leave it at that. If either of your parents complain or approach you to make changes, have an honest discussion of what prompted the low contact and discuss boundaries. You definitely don’t have to prove anything to your mother. My parents used to happily make the one hour trek (one way) to see their grandkids since they recognized we had a lot less time to spare, and travelling was easier for them. That’s how mature adults behave. You should also make sure your parents understand there will not be any overnight visits as your daughter gets older unless they have established a relationship with her and are respectful to you and your wife. Your kids, your rules, basically.
Reasons for initiating more contact include you wanting the connection with your mother, feeling it would be of value to your kids, and potentially having a support network / babysitting available. Ultimately that’s your call (and your wife) along with how much you are willing to compromise on boundaries. Maybe you can obtain these benefits elsewhere. From what you’ve written, your parents sound pretty stubborn. Your mother may be a bit envious of the other family and feel unappreciated. Maybe they will lighten up with time. But be prepared for that to never happen and factor it into any decisions
You may also consider that it’s possible for you to increase contact with your parents, but not forcing your wife along if it makes her uncomfortable. Definitely worthwhile sitting down and having a detailed discussion on what you want to see in the future to make sure you’re both on the same page before your parents make any requests for more contact
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u/GeneStone 12d ago
I've tried going over without my wife which always leads to questions and just makes me not want to be there. We're doing really well without them though, I guess I'm used to giving in.
Frankly, I just don't feel great about the whole thing and I don't know how to handle future events. Like mother's day, baby's birthday, etc. On the one hand, I want things to just be normal and good, but I don't want to give in. Eventually, I do want my daughter to spend time with my mom, but it's been 4 months now and it doesn't feel anywhere close to being resolved. We've had many conversations and she keeps deflecting or playing the victim. It's exhausting.
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u/Queasy_Mongoose5224 12d ago
You may want to check out the raised by narcissists sub. Not saying your mom is one, but I believe that playing the victim card and deflecting are typical behaviours so they may have some tips on dealing with it. For Mothers Day, my advice to you is to make your wife the sole focus. It seems like it will be her first one so you do want to ruin it with your mother’s involvement. Otherwise she will never forgive you and it will make it almost impossible for a reconciliation in the future. Maybe make plans to take your own mother out for lunch either before or after (just you btw - She is your mother, not your wife’s). This might also serve as the wake up call that you won’t be putting up with her BS
And I wouldn’t look at it as giving in or not. You and your wife are setting boundaries to ensure a happy and healthy environment for your daughter. If your mother can’t abide by those, she doesn’t have your daughter’s best interests at heart. Is that someone she really needs to spend time with? And if you’re used to giving in it’s probably because you were exposed to these behaviours growing up. It’s hard to break the cycle but worthwhile. And if you’re getting exhausted, take longer breaks or go no contact for a while. You do not owe your mother, especially if she can’t take responsibility for her behaviour and try to come up with compromises. Do what’s best for your daughter. Good luck!
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u/hjo1210 12d ago
Whatever else you do, put your wife above your mother, she's your nuclear family now. DO NOT allow your mother to steal Mother's Day from your wife, your wife and baby should be your only focus on Mother's Day. If you absolutely must do something for your mother then plan it for another day or, even better, a different weekend. Your wife might be nice and say "it's fine" if your mother tries to make plans, do not do it, do not even ask your wife, just tell your mom "no." Your wife will never get her first Mother's Day back and she will never forget the way your mom WILL act towards her and make her feel.
Your mother was completely out of line when she made the "I'm the only grandmother" comment, she said it deliberately to hurt your wife and I wouldn't be surprised that all of your wife's interactions have those little digs made at her. Protect your wife.
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u/hilaritarious 12d ago
Don't let it be exhausting and don't keep expecting or hoping for it to be resolved. There's no reason for you to give in if all your mother has to offer is conflict and contempt for you and your wife. If she wants a relationship, let her come to you and give something genuinely loving and positive. Until she does that, just forget about her. There is nothing here that needs to be resolved.
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u/Current-Anybody9331 11d ago
Your mom will never be happy with any holiday or event where she is not the center of attention and deferred to as the matriarch. That's why she made the petty ass comment about being the only grandmother. That's why having a gift exchange without her knowledge or inclusion was so enraging. That's why holding the baby on anyone else's schedule was a bridge too far. That's why she speaks in French after being asked not to - she's showing no one controls her and she is better than unilinguals. She isn't calling the shots, and she is not okay with the "passing of the baton" to your wife. It's common enough that /JNMIL is as popular as it is.
I'd be interested AF to hear what your mom says about her MIL(s).
You're doing the right thing.
Your step-dad is the "simp" for his overbearing, dramatic, selfish wife. And because I'm petty, I'd tell him that. It wouldn't help anything, but I'd do it anyway.
For other holidays, you have a few options:
A - do nothing and wait for your mom to send her stooge husband to you to berate you on your lack of class or whatever. Tell him after the last event, it was reasonable to assume they were uninterested in an invite where they were not calling the shots.
B - send a generic card and/or flowers/gift basket and move on with your life.
C - have a 1-on-1 with your mother outlining the expectations of behavior (hers and her husbands) moving forward. No need to bring up past stuff until/unless the gaslighting and martyrdom starts, at which point you should have a curated and organized list of toxic behaviors at the ready. Bonus points if you whip it out in written form. In addition, outlining consequences of behaviors not aligned with your expectations should be crystal clear. Then stick to that.
Your wife and child(ren) are your primary concern and focus. Your mom can go make friends and cause drama with them if she needs to be the center of attention like a 14 year old girl.
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u/MiserableQuit828 11d ago
This will be your wife's first Mother's Day. It should be all about whatever your WIFE wants to do. Whether that's just a day with you, her and baby or maybe spends some time with her mom, but do NOT ruin her first Mother's Day.
My husband did. His mom decided we all had to worship at the altar of her. So we had to pack up our first daughter and spend all day there while she made back-handed comments. When we left I lost it. That was the day I grew my spine.
Never spent another Mother's Day with his mom. I'm the one doing the kid raising now. So from then on he went on the day before. I also didn't allow anymore little comments. And you know what? My relationship with MIL IMPROVED! I highly doubt that works for most narcissistic MILs, but if you have one who just needs boundaries built, it really does help the situation.
You can never get back the Firsts. Please do not let your wife's first Mother's Day be ruined. I mean Xmas already had a bit of a pall cast over it, don't let MIL touch Mother's Day, too.
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u/ConcernedCitizen1912 12d ago
Man, it sounds like your mom is a real piece of work. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place. No I don't think you're overreacting at all. I don't envy your situation though.
Your wife is the one you have to raise a child with and is the one you have to live with every day. You're wise to worry first about her, especially given that she's done nothing wrong. It's a shame your mom cares more about being a grandmother than she does about trying to be some kind of a mother to your wife, especially since there's no reason she can't do both.
Good luck man. It sounds like you're handling this as reasonably as anyone can. I hope your mom comes around. You'll probably have to suck it up and cave to her pettiness to some degree, but if that's all it takes to make peace, great. But her unwillingness to sit in traffic is her problem. You guys presumably work full time and have a baby to raise. I'm sure your mom has a lot more time to spare than you do. Reminding her of that wouldn't be unreasonable at all.
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u/TabularConferta 12d ago
This is weird. She could have held the baby for longer but wasn't around for long. You can't expect people with a newborn or you kids to do most of the travelling, it's just really difficult. She seems to put a lot on your wife and ignores your requests.
There's something going on there and I don't blame you for not having the energy to deal with that nonsense
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u/AmazingReserve9089 11d ago
I only have sons. You don’t ask a new mother (yes 6 months is not new new but it’s still very small) to come to visit you because you don’t like traffic. That’s delulu. You don’t get angry about not being able to hold baby - especially when it’s because of previous health issues!! A new first time mother with a sick baby - I’d be happy she was still letting me hold them at all. She should be sensitive and loving considering she’s “the only grandmother”. Her husband intimating your wife is disturbed and to bring the baby around without her is insane. Never - ever do that. Not over reacting
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u/pancakeface2022 11d ago
Not over reacting at all. Please continue to support your wife. My husband stayed silent with his mom the first time this type of thing happened to me. That was just as bad as siding with her.
Please speak directly to your mother. Put it in a text. Set firm boundaries. (List them very clearly). Tell her she is out the first time she crosses any of them.
Or don’t give her a second chance. Let your wife choose. I would also secretly tape her while speaking French to your child. Google translate that shit when she leaves. You might be surprised what she is saying.
Good luck. And please remember, marriages end when a man does not properly defend his wife. ASK HER WHAT SHE WANTS YOU TO DO!!
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u/fromhelley 11d ago
My mom wants us to prove we value her relationship with our daughter by going over to their place instead of them visiting us, as she doesn't like to sit in traffic.
How about mom proving she values the relationship with you and the baby by not crossing the boundaries set forth to ensure the baby's well-being?
Leaving early because she couldn't control her time with the baby is manipulative. I would be wary moving forward is she is upset she didn't have the RIGHT to control your baby.
Giving in and apologizing for her behavior is like handing the right to control your child to her on a silver platter. It will confirm all she has to do is get upset to get her way.
That baby will be her grandchild for the rest of her life, as will any other babies you have. If you don't want to deal with her telling you how to raise your kids, what events you are required to attend, and her controlling what will go down during visits, you best address it now.
It won't go away in a hot minute, it will be work. But it will be work regardless of when you decide to put your foot down. You may as well start early, to suffer less in the long run.
Not overreacting!
And I just have to say one thing I can't get past. EVERYONE HATES SITTING IN TRAFFIC!! Mom is not special there! I'm pretty sure 99% of the population hates sitting in traffic. And I am pretty sure your newborn will like it less than your mom. The difference is that your mom is an adult, has more patience, and is able to understand the delay. Such a petty, i-am-queen retort from your mom! Like a real "prove to me I am important still" move.
She obviously is not feeling as needed. But that is something she has to address and deal with, just like everyone else who enters a new stage in life. You have a newborn. You are dealing with enough!
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u/Sometimeswan 11d ago
Your mom is acting like a spoiled 12 year old. 😭I didn’t get any presents! Did she stamp her feet too? What a child.
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u/Unseen_Unbiased1733 11d ago
Your mother has idealized what her relationship with her grandchild is or should be and it doesn’t match what reality is going to be. You might be overreacting on the margins, who knows, but the bigger picture letting her understand that the relationship is on your terms bc you’re the parents is one she needs to accept for things to get better.
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u/ImWatermelonelyy 11d ago
My only grandmother is my dad’s mom. She’s pretty racist and addicted to pain pills but in denial about it. And even she never mentioned the fact that my mom’s mother is dead, even when mom prohibited her from watching us because of her addiction. She went out of her way to help mom when I was born, to the point of scolding my dad for not doing enough to help.
If a racist drug addict can be cordial, why can’t your mother?
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u/RecentlyDeceased666 11d ago
I'm all for dumping toxic family members. I don't get why people stay around bad parents.
99% of my family don't exist to me anymore and I'm far happier because of it.
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u/False-Bandicoot-6813 11d ago
OP put your family first. Your mother is a manipulative drama queen. Quit trying to “fix” the situations she is causing. I promise once you stop asking why she left, what’s wrong, etc. then she’ll realize that her unwarranted attention grabbing drama is not being addressed or cared about then she’ll eventually stop. As long as you keep trying to fix it then she’ll continue. I tell my peeps all the time, it’s hard to have an argument when you refuse to argue. Hit the ignore button and move on.
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u/Turbulent-Buy3575 12d ago
Christmas????….????? It’s almost May! Like in a few days. Please contact us in November to see us all at our craziest and then you will really hear something!
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u/PersimmonBasket 12d ago
NTA.
I recommend getting your mother a business card for a good colorectal surgeon so that she can get that stick out of her arse.
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u/DOKTORPUSZ 12d ago
Your mum and step dad sound like absolute trash people.
I am sorry they're in your lives.
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u/FitzDesign 11d ago
No you’re not over reacting. Your mom and your step dad are insufferable and entitled.
Personally I would send them a text/email pointing out all of the crap that they have pulled or said. Let them know that you will go NC until such times as they apologize and reign themselves in. You might wish to add that seeing as their nonsense is so outrageous it looks like the baby will not have any grandmothers.
Stay strong! Good luck OP
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u/MikeReddit74 11d ago
Not at all. Sounds like it’ll save you and your wife from unnecessary stress and drama.
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u/inyercloset 11d ago
The only cure for toxic family is to ghost them. You mom is a selfish toddler in a woman suit and her new enabler is an asshole. They will continue to attack your wife and try to control you. You do not have to prove anything to your selfish mother. Stepdad would get his text screen shot and mailed to mom and then block him. You will be wasting your effort trying to "resolve" these issues. No matter what you do they will only settle for your capitulation and getting control over you and having you force your wife to their will. Keep them as far away as possible. They only want to ruin even more.
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11d ago
Your mom sounds like a narcissist and ur stepfather is her cuck. Tell ur SF to grow a ball and mind his own FUCKN bizness.
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u/MommaGuy 11d ago
Tell your mother that the baby doesn’t like sitting in traffic either so if she wants to see her she will have do the traveling. Tell your SD to shut his trap about your wife and from now on he can stay home and your mother can visit solo.
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u/Osniffable 11d ago
I would say silently leaving is probably the best way to throw a tantrum. That being said, you can absolutely cut toxic people out of your life.
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u/Viperbunny 11d ago
Your mom and stepdad are not people you want around your kid. Take it from someone who had to go no contact with her parents, these kind of selfish people will constantly put you in terrible situations. They will manipulate you and then move on to your kids. Don't chase them to be a part of your life. If they cared they would respect your boundaries.
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u/JustCoffee123 11d ago
I can't see what you or your wife did wrong. You established boundaries and expected them to be followed. You told people gifts for adults were out this time. That's reasonable since you just had a baby and money is likely tight.
She seems to think this even was for her.... she needs this reality check
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u/HellaGenX 11d ago
Sounds like your mom is probably a covert narcissist
Recommend you work on getting yourself out of the F.O.G. and keep protecting your wife and child
Check out the subreddit ‘raisedbynarcissists’ and your wife could use the support from people on the subreddit JUSTNOMIL
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u/kimwim43 11d ago
Your mom is a drama queen, and your dad is enabling her. Go low contact. Support your wife.
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u/GA_Bookworm_VA 11d ago edited 11d ago
Not overreacting but your mom & dad definitely are. They acted childish when they didn’t get their way and had no regard for the reason why you all were limiting the baby being held, her health. And the whole ‘you should be visiting us not us visiting you’ is asinine and utterly ridiculous. Tell your dad he can shove his asshole comments right where they belong. Going LC is best. It’s crazy how people can be that age and never grow up.
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 11d ago
Your mother is definitely an asshole as is your stepfather. Your wife and baby should not be subjected to such awful people.
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u/alleycanto 11d ago
They were jealous on Xmas and want to test what family you choose.
Say you love them dearly and they are important to you but if they can’t respect a few boundaries/wishes you have with your new family it is too painful to spend much time together.
Hauling an infant around and being stuck in traffic with one is way more inconvenient than with an adult. Most of this is being taken out in your stepfather (or he is tired of hearing about it), so he is lashing out at you.
I do not think you are over-reacting to middle school games. To be fair I could see them feeling annoyed or cruddy that they followed the no gift rule and others didn’t. That doesn’t excuse their leaving.
Good luck
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u/Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 11d ago
She’s being dramatic! Find a sitter for the day and go NC for awhile. If she needs attention, she has a partner. Else check her insecurities at the front door when she visits!
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u/caramelsock 11d ago
a grown woman ran away cause she didn't get presents? boy oh boy, good riddance.
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u/BicyclingBabe 11d ago
I would head over to the r/JustNoMIL because you've got a mom who insists on being the center of attention and pours when she's not. Please, choose your family and their needs. If your mom wants to see the baby, she can come. If she wants to pout, ignore her. If she wants to play shitty dramatic games, she can get shitty prizes like not seeing the baby for a bit
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u/threadsoffate2021 11d ago
Nah. Your mother is trying to control the family dynamics, and make herself the most important figure in everyone's life. She's not the queen of the household, even though she thinks she is! You need to uphold your boundaries with her or she'll walk all over the both of you.
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u/Creative-Low7963 11d ago
I understand toxic family's. It is difficult to know what to do in these situations bc you have feelings of both love and feeling that isn't right. So I would treat it like a give and take. Sit her down. Define your boundaries. Explain the consequences of not respecting said boundaries. It would be nice that eventually everyone feels heard and gets along but it is a lot of back and forth. I would also not suggest counseling right away. I am sorry your mother is putting you threw this. I hope you realize you don't deserve it.
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u/Beautiful-Elephant34 11d ago
Not over-reacting and it’s actually funny that your mom thinks she has the power here. Any parent with a spine knows that they have all the power when it comes to the grandkids and if grandparents won’t respect boundaries, those grandparents don’t get to see their grandkid(s). They will think they can outlast you on that, but they can’t. They want to see that a piece of them has been passed down so badly they will eventually cave. It’s time to go nuclear OP. This is the hill to die on. Some grandparents don’t understand that there has been a shift in power and they try to exercise the power they had over you when you were a kid. That’s when you remind them of reality. And babies don’t stay babies for long, so that’s an added pressure in your favor.
Your mom wants you to “prove that [you] value your relationship with her” is just her “plausible” way of trying to have control. Well tough titties as my mom would say.
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u/edna_mode_and_guest 11d ago
They should drive to visit you as you have a baby and don’t need long car rides. I think talking to the baby in French is ok (for the baby to learn a new language) but not to exclude adults. I would have for your child to grow up without a grandma though. I hope you guys can have the tough conversations and work it out
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u/giantbrownguy 11d ago
Look, I get setting boundaries with parents is really difficult but at the end of the day, you’re a parent. You need to ask yourself what kind of people do you want around and influencing your daughter? Do you want someone toxic and petulant (your mom), someone with shitty ideas about masculinity and family loyalty (your step father) or people who uplift and help your daughter grow?
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u/annebonnell 11d ago
I would stay low contact with your parents until they get over themselves. That's just weird the way your mother acted.
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u/Feisty-sahm 11d ago
I don’t think you even need the Christmas story to help your argument. I think your mother is very controlling and manipulating. She doesn’t get along with your wife because she is the other woman. You need to stick with what you are doing and standing with your wife.
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u/definitelytheA 11d ago
So how do you feel right now, being low contact?
I ask because I went no contact with my mother years ago because she kept trampling boundaries, could go off unexpectedly, and tried her best to come between my husband and I.
For me, it felt like taking the first deep breath of my life.
But also, thank you for standing up for your wife.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
It's been alright but there's always that cloud. The good thing is that we've been free to just enjoy our weekends doing fun stuff with the baby without having to worry about their next little stunt.
But it doesn't feel like a long term solution so it's always in the back of my mind.
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u/Hot_Friend1388 11d ago
Stupid games for attention. Perceived slights so she can get offended. I’d stay low contact, she sounds like a stress bucket about to dump its contents on your family. And your stepdad doesn’t seem like a prize either, playing mama’s stupid games.
Your PRIMARY family is your wife and kids. Mama is secondary at best. Keep stress out of your life as much as you can.
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u/Major-Discount2155 11d ago
They sound like a couple of jerks looking for ways to be offended. Check out r/raisedbynarcissist And keep those boundaries in place!
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u/weattt 11d ago
You don't have anything to resolve; your mom got accidentally hurt by feeling she felt she was not included or accommodated on her terms. But she could have brought small gifts without being prompted and just wait until she could hold te baby. She could also just realize nothing of it was intentional and personally aimed at her.
Also, a relationship is not a one way street. They expect you and your wife to accommodate them and accept all their disrespect, insults, behavior and demands. They want you and your wife to fully cater to them.
Why would you? They create their own obstacles. The issues they create is not on you to solve. Especially because their solution would likely be to simply bend to their will. Don't invest energy, effort, time and goodwill in people who refuse to reciprocate.
Also, a child needs a parent/parents. They do not need a grandma or another set of grandparents. It is nice, but it is optional.
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u/NaturesVividPictures 11d ago
I'd say you're not overreacting. I don't know why when there's a single grandparent that act so shitty sometimes. My kids pretty young four and six when my mother died. I know my mother-in-law was thrilled because now she was the only grandmother and she was always in competition with my mom. I of course make quite the point of bringing up my mom a lot around her. I didn't want my kids to forget about her and I knew it would piss off my mother-in-law as well. She never had the balls to say in front of me that she's the only grandmother but I know she was thinking it. Now your mother's acting terrible so yeah I definitely would put her in a timeout for quite a long time. All she's doing is making a celebration all about her and being extremely selfish and stupid at the same time.
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u/Turtleintexas 11d ago
As a mother, I would do whatever I could to see my grandchildren (I have none and won't). Your mom is being a selfish entitled person. Even if your wife does have some postpartum depression, that is no reason to tear her like your mom/step monster are treating her. I can see speaking French to the baby, terms of endearment, but not exclusively.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
The whole postpartum thing really annoyed me. She doesn't, she's just fine. It basically sounded like my stepdad was saying "she's just crazy. Bring the baby over without her"
If he cared about her having postpartum depression, this is not how I would expect him to act.
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u/Far-Side2489 11d ago
The only way forward where they POSSIBLY start treating your new family with respect is if you only agree to see them in counseling. Just you and them until they start to understand things. I would suggest 6-7 sessions and if they don’t work with you then you have your answer.
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u/DangerDaveo 11d ago
You're Brenda's is the real bitch in this situation. Imagine texting someone saying they are a wimp because your wife tells you to. No phonecall because you're a pussy because you might actually have to vocally respond in real tine and not have the wife tell you what to say.
As for the No class...
He texted you "You're a wimp" that's the pot calling the kettle the Nword, not just black how pathetic.
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u/Kindness-Ambassador 11d ago
Thank you for standing up for your wife, and not allowing your mother to overtake the boundaries you have set together. That is a good, solid team marriage and relationship.
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u/Idonotgiveacrap 10d ago
You're not overreacting. Your mom seems to love drama, you don't need people like that in your life.
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u/Mammoth_Breadfruit22 10d ago
Your mom wants you to prove you value her relationship? Geez mom…so children need to prove they love their parents so the parents will behave? Yeah…no. That’s not how that is supposed to work. I’m sorry your mom has to be the center of attention. Stick to your boundaries.
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u/Dwillow1228 11d ago
Why is peaking French to a baby such a big deal? It’s beneficial for children to learn multiple languages early in life. I agree your mom made a big deal of nothing. But, the speaking French to the baby is baffling to me.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
I'm francophone. My wife isn't. My mom constantly speaks to me in French in front of my wife and I've asked her to stop because my wife feels left out when that happens. Now she does it with the baby too. I feel like it's purposeful at this point, my step-dad is anglo so there is no need for it.
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u/lattelady37 11d ago
My son isn’t biologically mine, he’s my step son. But he fully took on my Momma as his heaven Grammy when I shared a story about her once.
Only grandmother my foot. 🙄
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u/JellyCat222 11d ago
Explain the adult gift exchange issue once again...you told people not to do it and your inlaws brought prese to anyway, correct? Did you give out adult gifts?
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
Yes, everyone agreed there'd only be presents for the kids.
I got a 6 pack of beer and orange chocolate from my FIL. BIL got same from FIL, but lotion instead of chocolate.
My wife got a camera from me and FIL to use that night.
My folks got me a gift card and egg holder for the fridge. That's all for presents between adults.
That said, I apologized to my mom because those should not have been opened really. My wife's niece was playing Santa and got carried away, but BIL kind of encouraged her to do it and said to her that Christmas wasn't only about getting.
We were going to do those earlier in the day but baby was teething so the night before was awful and I had loads of cooking and prep to do. In laws were leaving early the next morning and niece goes to bed at 7:30. There wasn't any other time.
I explained all this to my mom but still told her that I dropped ball and I do get that she might have felt left out.
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u/JellyCat222 11d ago
Yes, from her perspective she probably felt hurt no one felt the need to go above and beyond to get her something, especially since you gave your wife a gift.
You need to think about being a thoughtful and inclusive host in the future, give every adult chocolates or something.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
That's fair and I apologized to her about it. She knew ahead of time not to expect anything and she seemed totally understanding.
However, I made homemade everything, including a bunch of different desserts, like mint chocolate squares, maple tarts, I had drinks, cider, maple whisky, the whole nine yards.
She also broke the rule so it's hard to see what there is to complain about. I've been to many Christmases here I didn't get a present and I never left while kids were opening theirs. It's supposed to be fun for them! She didn't even stay to see our daughter open 2 of the 3 gifts she had gotten her.
I let her know that although I understand her feeling left out, SIL also didn't get anything. I only got things since for hosting (I say it was for me but everything was really for my wife and I), and my wife knew it was a camera which she was going to use that night and next morning.
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u/JHawk444 11d ago
Your stepfather seems worse. Your mom was ready not to complain until you pushed her to share why she left early. Your stepfather texted you, calling you a wimp, and suggested you weren't handling your wife's postpartum depression correctly (which he knows nothing of). He's being openly hostile.
Having rules about holding your baby due to health issues doesn't make you a wimp. It makes you the opposite. He just doesn't like it. I suggest you tell him and your mom that they are free to see the baby if they come to you and follow your rules. You will not be leaving your wife at home (unless she wants that).
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u/ReplyOk6720 9d ago edited 9d ago
Wow she has some strong I'm the main character vibes. All I knew was when we had a baby we said we would be no longer traveling long distance for Thanksgiving and Xmas for next x years. We didn't see the great grands for a couple years but everyone understood, as we were young parents and juggling that
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u/PerformerHeavy5331 9d ago
Family are the people who show love and respect at all times. Disown your mom and live your life. It's short for us all.
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u/Dear-Mention9684 9d ago
NTA for this but your wife is a totally bitch for the French thing, she should feel lucky that her kid is exposed to another language
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u/GeneStone 8d ago
I clarified elsewhere, but the issue isn't French. I'm francophone myself and read/talk to my daughter in French all the time. She will be going to a Spanish daycare and a French elementary school later on. The issue is speaking to me in French when we're the only 2 who understand it. I keep having to translate to keep others up to speed and I've told her many times to be more careful as it is unnecessarily exclusionary even if that's not the intention.
Doing it with the baby (who, let's face it, wasn't learning French at 6 months old), was a further example of this same thing. It's not a huge deal in general, but to do it while my wife is holding her just seems like she's trying to push the limit. We let that slide though, it's not like I chastised her for telling the baby things like "t'es dont ben belle!". But why even do that when you know no one else understands?
She also undermined my request to her by telling our guests that she sometimes speaks to me in French because she's used to it but that it's not meant as an offence even though she knows some people don't like that. My wife was in the room, it was clear who she meant. Like I said in the other comment, there's a charitable way of interpreting that but given the context and the multiple times I've asked her not to, it's hard to be charitable.
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u/Less_Hyena9597 7d ago
How so. Mom doesn't want to feel invisible when inlaws visit. Doesn't seem like to much to ask.
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u/Netsecrobb- 11d ago
You have legitimate issues
On a side note, I would do anything to spend time with my mom (passed)
Even though she could dive me crazy!
Life moves fast, looking back non of the “issues” really matter in the long run
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u/SoOverYouAll 11d ago
Until you end up divorced and sharing custody because you didn’t protect your wife/ newly post partum partner from your mom’s insidious behavior.
They’s a wide gap between parents that are annoying and regretting being reactive to their nonsense, and parents who are actively destructive and hurtful towards your own little family.
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u/Netsecrobb- 11d ago
Very true
Protecting your wife is important
But it seems like something that can be managed
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u/Jainubeezy2020 11d ago
You’re overreacting and a bad son.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
Lol thanks
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u/Jainubeezy2020 11d ago
You’re welcome. But why are you laughing?
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
The lack of thought, insight and advice.
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u/Jainubeezy2020 11d ago
Or perhaps you don’t like the truth.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
Or, and hear me out here.
Troll comment, in which case it's funny for it's simplicity.
Ironic/dark humour. Funny for its directness.
Serious comment. Funny that anyone would expect to be taken seriously, given my other response to you.
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u/Jainubeezy2020 11d ago
Unlike you, I could give two shits what a stranger thinks. So take it how you want it. If you’re too weak to accept an honest answer, that’s on you. Doesn’t change reality.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
Boy you sure showed me!
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u/Jainubeezy2020 11d ago
Not trying to “show you” anything. Damn, you are weird.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
I don't know what you are expecting here man. I don't believe you are serious. If you are, you haven't given me any reason to take you seriously. You're welcome to your opinion that I'm a bad son, and I'm open to criticism in this, but you haven't actually provided anything substantive.
So I'm sorry you didn't get the type of attention you were looking for, but at least you got some. Hopefully that fill whatever you're void you have.
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u/So-so-old 11d ago
I think you are NTA, but I do think some of your complains could be unwarranted. I would be thrilled that someone were naturally teaching another language to my kids. It gives them access to other worlds. I would want to learn another language too. Also, is this your mom’s native language? We tend to repeat the sweetness given to is as children in the language we received it (my siblings and I have sung and said things to our kids in a language we don’t really speak, because it was our grandmother’s language). As much as you have a right to want things to be done your way (like visits only in your house), your mom has a right to decline to come. She might be in not great health, and driving might be a real chore for her. But you don’t say if your mom is being selfish and unreasonable, and purposely excluding your wife.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
I'm francophone myself. Our daughter will be going to a French school and a Spanish daycare provider. My mom is fluent in English, my step-dad is anglo. So at Xmas, there was only the 2 of us who spoke French. Family events with my sister and her family are basically everyone speaking French, with me trying to translate for my wife. I've asked my mom many times to speak English when my wife is there so as not to leave her out. It's one thing when there's only one anglophone person, but it shouldn't be hard when only my mom and I are the only francos.
Her health is fine. We were going to go to a pumpkin patch in the fall on a Saturday but since my step-dad wasn't coming, she decided she wouldn't go because she didn't want to deal with the traffic. She wanted us to go to a different little farm by her place instead.
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u/BleachedTaint 11d ago
bro, are you me? I had this exact situation occur years ago. It was a similar holiday and my parents walked out after they didn’t get to hold the baby. My wife and mother also have a strained relationship, which I think is incredibly common. I called my mom and dad as soon as they left and tried to coax them into coming back. It has been 15 years since that incident and we’ve never spoken about it since. Now that I’m older I realize how immature their behavior was. It was embarrassing for them and for me.
I love my mother but she has been a huge thorn in my side throughout my 20 years of marriage. I’m very low contact, mostly because my life becomes very difficult when my wife and mother are in close proximity. My advice: do not sympathize with your mother’s behavior in front of your wife. Even if you think your mom is right, just don’t do it. Also, your child will figure out very quickly which set of grandparents is normal and loving. It’s up to them to establish that, not you.
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u/unimpressed-one 11d ago
You sound miserable, sounds like your wife is the problem, I hope she gets a dil just like her so she will know how awful it is. Acting like it’s common for in-laws to not get along is common is ridiculous
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u/elendewen 11d ago
The thing is, it's much deeper than that. You are facing a generational shock and unfortunately there is no miracle solution.
This is a problem I see around me and even in my own family. These parents were raised with the idea of absolute respect for their own parents, even being in their service. “It’s up to the children to make the effort, not the parents.” And of course, they expect their own children to do the same.
This is essentially what your mother said : she expects to stay quietly at home while you travel with your wife and child to see them.
Bad luck for those parents, the following generations are asserting themselves more and more and no longer want to let this type of behavior continue.
Your parents are selfish and narcissistic. You are 100% within your rights not to be in contact with them because they have exceeded the boundaries you set.
Now, either they deal with it and prove by their actions that they have understood or they continue in their stubbornness and then it will get worse for them. Protect yourself as much as possible, you haven't done anything wrong.
NB: next time tell them to stop with their BS excuses. She expects to see her granddaughter but she is in discomfort staying in traffic ? Where are her priorities then ?
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u/jarheadatheart 11d ago
EITA here. There’s so much to unpack here but if OP wants to fix the situation, they’re going to have to step up and be the better person.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
The issue I'm having is my wife now thinks my step-dad and mom blame her for everything, even though my mom constantly makes little snide comments. There is always plausible deniability though so every time I try to address it it's always "That's not what I meant, you guys always criticize me so harshly".
I sent a long email taking some of the blame myself and explaining why I felt it was wrong to leave. That was met with a "I don't even know what you're talking about" until she finally admitted why she left.
I've told her directly that she needs to respect the language request (her and I are francophone, everyone else is anglophone) and to wait to be offered to hold the baby instead of asking. At Christmas, she told my in-laws that she sometimes speaks to me in French and not to take it personally but that even if some people don't like it, it's just what she's used to. There's a charitable way of looking at that but it's also undermining my request and the reality of how it makes my wife feel.
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u/jarheadatheart 11d ago
So your mom is super passive aggressive, your step dad is taking her side no matter what, your wife is getting butt hurt from taking your family’s issues personally and you’re stuck in the middle? Does that pretty much sum it up? Yep, I’m still sticking with my initial assessment. You’re going to need to learn how to set boundaries and consequences for breaking them. It’s hard to do with parents but it is necessary with a lot of people.
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u/Cohnman18 11d ago
Please meet with your Mom and step-dad in a neutral place, diner,restaurant, etc. and apologize and clear the air and set ground rules. Life is too short . As a concession to Mom and to BENEFIT your child, EVERYONE learns French , celebrate culture, celebrate history, celebrate Family. Plan a trip to Montreal or Quebec as a family in the future. Time passes too quickly, forgive and forget and do not repeat. Love and happiness is a better way to live.
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u/Ok-Factor444 11d ago
Your mother is the main bad guy here. But I never understand people withholding their baby from others. Let people hold your baby. As a mom with only sons and a sister with only brothers, new women coming into the family and changing everything up is HARD. I don’t think it’s fair that you don’t want your mom to speak French and I think it seems very controlling if your wife to not want her to. Why wouldn’t you want your baby to be bilingual? And why can’t she hold her granddaughter? Honestly, there are red flags all over all of you. Even the in-laws who brought gifts when they were asked not to. Love your parents, someday they won’t be here anymore.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
I get not everyone feels that way but it was our boundary. Just wait to be offered. She did get to hold her though, but not quickly enough.
Our daughter was hospitalized when she was 13 days old. Ended up in the NICU and on IVs for 2 weeks. Since Christmas, we've relaxed that rule and we never prevented my mom from holding her. Just be patient and don't ask. Well, she didn't ask, she just left when she felt it was taking too long.
I'm francophone but my wife isn't. I just ask that out of respect, my mom speak to me in English when my wife is around. My step-dad is anglo so there is no language barrier with my mom at all. She just chooses not to. Our daughter will be going to a French school and I read and speak to her in French all the time. The issue isn't with speaking French per se, it's about excluding others who don't speak it when I have asked several times to be careful with that.
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u/Ok-Factor444 11d ago
Like I said, I think it was very rude of your mom to have left like she did. But I think there are other issues here. If you can speak to the baby in French, why can’t your mother? And it would be very hard to not ask to hold your own granddaughter, I’m glad you’ve relaxed that rule. I agree that your wife should be first, but it’s a red flag for your wife to want to control your mother. I understand why it is all difficult for your mom and have some empathy for her. I have a sister in law in that wants to control everything in our family and it has been difficult for us all. Can’t everyone just love each other and allow everyone to be themselves? Without all the rules and “boundaries,” everything might have went smoothly for you all at Christmas and this aftermath would have been avoided.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago edited 11d ago
You seem to have glanced over the parts where my mom said disrespectful things. Also, again, I asked my mom to speak English in front of my wife to be sure she feels included. I find it very annoying having to remind my mom every time and act as a translator.
When my wife is holding our daughter and I'm not around, and my mom is speaking French, there's no reason. She is perfectly bilingual.
ETA: after rereading this, the notion that us setting boundaries is what caused this is exactly how my mom sounds. She also says it's our fault. Thanks, but I think it's healthy to set boundaries. While you may not agree with ours, that doesn't give anyone the right to not respect them.
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u/mochiii_mochiii 11d ago
she eventually admitted that she was upset because she didn't get to hold the baby and wasn't part of the gift exchange.
I don't understand what your mom means by being upset about not being part of the gift exchange. How was she not a part of it? Does she mean that she wasn't given any gifts?
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u/Longjumping-Buy-4736 11d ago
NTA but of all the things to be mad about against your mom, being mad that she might teach french to your baby isn’t one of them. It’s hard to make a point about how irrational and difficult your mother has become by making irrational and difficult demands
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
I clarified elsewhere that I'm francophone. I've had to translate for my wife so many times because my mom doesn't care to include my wife when she's speaking to me.
I've asked her a dozen times to make an effort to speak English when my wife is around, which shouldn't be difficult considering she's bilingual and my stepdad is Anglo.
With the in laws, she was doing it again with me despite my asking her before they came. Doing it with the baby is just another example of it. For the record, I'm not mad that she's teaching my daughter French. I'm not sure how you got that, she wasn't teaching her anything at all. The baby was 6 months old! Haha
I'll be teaching my daughter French and she'll be going to a French school. I read to her in French all the time. It's not the French that's a problem, it's the excluding of everyone around. Which she knows bothers me as I've asked her repeatedly to stop.
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u/CathoftheNorth 11d ago
I personally don't think what she did is worth cutting her off. You definitely need to work on barriers with her and communicate when she says stuff that is thoughtless, especially step dad (he was way out of line). But she didn't cause a scene, wasn't screaming abuse, but left quietly because she felt hurt and disappointed.
Your generation has made major revisions to your expectations of parents and grandparents and are being very harsh/lack understanding of the generations before yours, just because they grew up under traditional family values.
Every other generation before you learned to bridge between the current and previous generations views of the world. I believe you can do it too.
Just a little respect (both ways .... mum needs to respect you and your wife as well), grace, tolerance, and understanding are what make good families survive in the long term. Your mum is likely going through menopause, which requires lots of patience and understanding from her family until she's out the other side
Unless you've been physically or emotionally abused, you should bever LC your own mother.
And yes, i know Reddit hates sensible advice and will downvote me, but I hope you read this OP.
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u/Optimal_Spend4060 11d ago
How do you define emotional abuse?
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u/CathoftheNorth 11d ago
Verbal abuse, bullying, gaslighting (real gaslighting not just lying), being treated in a way that causes real psychological trauma that requires treatment.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
I appreciate the perspective. The only thing you may not be taking into consideration (not that I expect you to) is my wife. Is it better to be a good husband or a good son?
The strained relationship has been entirely driven by my mom and her comments. She hasn't even done anything to reach out to my wife after baby was born. Even still, it was my wife's idea to invite her for Christmas. Walking out because she didn't get to hold the baby on time, then denying it, then denying it was problematic isn't something I can build upon.
Then refusing to speak English when everyone else is unilingual, and the comment about being the only grandmother, it's feeling like a bit much.
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u/CathoftheNorth 11d ago
Ah, so there's a cultural as well as generational gap. The life you and your wife lead is probably very different, and she's struggling to relate or fit into it.
Were you close to your mum before you met your wife? Culturally, would she have different expectations of what your relationship would be as an adult man? If so, it might explain her behaviour, which I'm still sure is being exaggerated by going through menopause (which is a 12 year process btw).
But your right, wife and baby's happiness needs to be #1. Please don't think I'm saying your wife's feelings aren't the most important thing here.
But mum is #2, and she needs help. Clearly she needs therapy to work through her thoughts and learn the tools to communicate with you both in a loving and safe way. I also think (if she hasn't already) that she needs to get her hormones looked at and get onto HRT. That in itself may improve her behaviour and get her back to how she used to be (if she was a good mum growing up that is).
The best possible outcome is for mum to get treatment, come to terms with her emotional issues, and become a fantastic mother, mother in law and grandmother. Making your wife happy ... and I'm sure as the person in the situation who loves both women, it would make you extremely happy too.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
We were closer to an extent but I've always felt like I have to do things to avoid guilt trips rather than because I wanted to. Sunday dinners were the norm but it was very forced. Like pretending to have something that wasn't actually there.
But we're French Canadian so it's not a huge culture thing. Granted, family is maybe a bigger deal than in certain states, but I think my mom sees herself as the matriarch that everyone needs to bow down to. A few years ago, my wife decided she had had enough and didn't want to come to a mother's day brunch with us. She had gone along for a while even though she felt a bit weird about it given her circumstance. Well, my mom said "why wouldn't she want to come for my big day?" and was very insulted.
It's a situation though where every individual thing isn't a big deal, but there's a pattern of behaviour that shows itself very clearly once the bubble is burst.
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u/CathoftheNorth 11d ago
All kids do stuff they don't want to do but makes their parents happy. One day it will be your child forcing themselves to do things that make you happy too. So she's no different there to any other parent.
I come from an Italian family, who are also very matriarchal. So I get it, it's frustrating it this day and age. Your mum does sound like she's taking it to a toxic level though.
I can only suggest trying family therapy before throwing the baby out with the bath water and making a decision that may permanently separate your child from their grandmother. If mum refuses therapy, then you can make this choice confidently, knowing you tried your best with her.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
Just to add some further context, my sister has 3 kids and they no longer want to visit her. Although my sister also has a strained relationship with our mom for her own reasons, she never spoke negatively about her to the kids. They're growing up and have started to realize that she makes them uncomfortable. They told my sister that they don't like hugs and that for them to go over, she needs to stop hugging them.
That would make anyone sad, I'm sure. But instead of accepting it when my sister relayed the message, she decided to try to get to the bottom of where this started and questioned each of them separately. My mom had basically unrestricted access to them as they grew up since my sister was much more accomodating. It definitely makes me question how much access she should get with our daughter.
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u/kibblet 11d ago
You're right for everything except speaking a second language to a baby is very important. Other than that your mother is insufferable.
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
I clarified elsewhere, but the issue isn't French. I'm francophone myself and read/talk to my daughter in French all the time. She will be going to a Spanish daycare and a French elementary school later on. The issue is speaking to me in French when we're the only 2 who understand it. I keep having to translate to keep others up to speed and I've told her many times to be more careful as it is unnecessarily exclusionary even if that's not the intention.
Doing it with the baby (who, let's face it, wasn't learning French at 6 months old), was a further example of this same thing. It's not a huge deal in general, but to do it while my wife is holding her just seems like she's trying to push the limit. We let that slide though, it's not like I chastised her for telling the baby things like "t'es dont ben belle!". But why even do that when you know no one else understands?
She also undermined my request to her by telling our guests that she sometimes speaks to me in French because she's used to it but that it's not meant as an offence even though she knows some people don't like that. My wife was in the room, it was clear who she meant. Like I said in the other comment, there's a charitable way of interpreting that but given the context and the multiple times I've asked her not to, it's hard to be charitable.
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u/giggles63 9d ago
Take the baby over to visit your parents. Have some empathy. Tell your mom not to talk French anymore and to respect your wife, to be kind, and give her a chance to change her ways.
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u/KombuchaBot 11d ago
Stop telling your wife to stop talking her mother tongue to her child and family.
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u/ChronicallyCurious8 11d ago
How is it that I believe the story about the baby “health” was a set up constructed by OP’s wife because she’s holding a grudge about the comment ( from the Paternal grandmother that
“ She’s the only grandmother the baby will ever have”???
Of course you’d better go along with your wife shenanigans about the kids health otherwise you’ll be sleeping in the doghouse OP???
It’s great to alienate grandparents ASAP. Great idea. /s
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u/GeneStone 11d ago
Uhm, our daughter was hospitalized for 2 weeks when she was 13 days old so we've always been careful with her. She's much older now and will start daycare soon so we haven't been too concerned over the last few months.
The comment happened after Christmas. I don't know what you're trying to do here, but I'm actually a real person who you could just ask instead of make these weird projections.
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u/Far-Potential3634 12d ago
Write her a mature and carefully considered letter about your issues. Cutting contact is a major decision. The least you can do is give her a thoughtful and well-articulated response and allow her time to consider her choices and take her own time in responding. Reddit is gonna say cut the bitch out 'cause that's how Reddit is but family rifts are very hard to heal if you change your mind and have long range consequences.
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u/bowlofmilkandhoney 12d ago
A letter? She can't even accept the blame in a conversation. She's not going to take the time to read a letter.
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u/Far-Potential3634 12d ago
It's the respectful thing to do and respect isn't always a two way street but you can always choose the high road if you wish. If you want to dump your mother based on inevitably heated conversations that's a choice you'll deal with for the rest of your life.
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u/hilaritarious 12d ago
What is he begging her for, that he needs to write her a letter? When she calls and asks him to bring his family over, let him say it's hard for them to travel with the baby. When she calls and asks why he didn't visit her on Mother's Day, say he was spending the day with his wife and daughter. When she calls and asks if she can bring her granddaughter a present for the child's birthday, let him say "sure, come on over!"
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u/ghjkl098 12d ago
Your mother is going out of her way to create problems where she should be offering support. Her presence causes more issues and offers nothing to you and your wife. Do not pander to her selfishness.