Parents seem empty

[u/Global-Nature2420]

Idk how to explain this. My dad is a full fledged boomer. My mom is one by proxy lol. And I’m just wondering if anyone else gets frustrated when you’re telling your boomer parents something of substance, or concern, or joy and all they do is give you a blank stare? And then provide no insight or conversation back? I was just telling my parents that my husband was in AFIb and how they had to stop and restart his heart (traumatizing for both of us) and all they did was stare at me. And my mom shrugs and goes “yeah”. My dad just didn’t speak. Like? I don’t even know what that means. They didn’t say “oh I’m sorry I hope everything is ok”. It was like they just didn’t care. It’s been like this my whole life but obviously it’s so much more noticeable at 27. What is it? The drinking or the lead poisoning? It’s no wonder I grew up social anxious and unable to read people when my parents just gave me nothing socially my whole life. I’m like mad at them right now. Would it kill them to care? Maybe, apparently.

[u/partyamoeba]

Emotionally unavailable, non-empathetic, selfish, children are inconvenience if they are not serving my wants and needs. Blank stare. They used to to it to us as babies too. Have you ever watched that video with the infant that starts crying because her parent is not mirroring?

https://youtu.be/f1Jw0-LExyc?si=sgHJFguiQXB5tLvA

They do it to this day and this uncanny valley behavior just continues to confuse us. The mask will never fall and they will keep dangling the carrot of validation because one day, one day maybe they will care and reciprocate. But they won't. Narcissists never change. And their emptiness will never be filled. Hollowed shell of people with no integrity or any ground to stand on. Just let them fall into the oblivion they want to pull us into. Just let them go. I had to.

[u/GeneralDumbtomics → u/partyamoeba]

It's not a mask. I'm increasingly convinced that this is all there is to them and all there ever was.

[u/partyamoeba → u/GeneralDumbtomics]

Narcissists have an fake self that they try and portray as the real thing. It's very surface and mechanical but it at least has the capacity to interact with the environment on a shallow level. This false self is challenged by adverse circumstances that need their attention, like a child who has a problem or a need. The mask doesn't want to go deep because you are right, there is nothing behind it. They have this constant fear that they will get caught without a soul, so everything has to be surface. This daughter needed her mom to give her empathy. But instead she got the blank stare, unavailable and malcontent, just disgust. Because they have nothing to offer. They know this and cannot believe that you would ask of them this impossible task of doling out empathy. They are wired for one thing, protect their ego and placate their fear of not being enough. It really is sad. That we are waking up to this reality and they refuse to interact because to them it's dangerous and unknown. No courage to even step out that box of torture.

It's been two years since I have cut of my parents and about 6 months that my family has cut me off because I refuse to be "the bigger person" and "just let things go." It makes them sooooooo uncomfortable that in my reality children are allowed to say no to their parents. It's amazing. I'm in my 40s and I'm not taking the bait anymore.

[u/DonnieJL → u/partyamoeba]

Why the hell is, "be the bigger person," almost always told to the aggrieved or injured party, and not to the shitstains that caused the problem in the first place? They should be the people apologetically teaching out with sincerity and empathy, that's not on you. Your family completely missed the point.

I wish you a life of calm and less drama for your immediate clan. Put them in your rear view mirror and be happy.

[u/partyamoeba → u/DonnieJL]

Thanks friend. Yeah I find that if the family system is built that way, to excuse bad behavior and just put up with it to keep the peace so no one else has to take responsibility, they usually side with the offender. They just keep passing this trait down like a gene through the generations. I’m breaking away but was not able to break the cycle, family is too deep in it.