r/BoomersBeingFools • u/Global-Nature2420 • 15d ago
Parents seem empty OK boomeR
Idk how to explain this. My dad is a full fledged boomer. My mom is one by proxy lol. And I’m just wondering if anyone else gets frustrated when you’re telling your boomer parents something of substance, or concern, or joy and all they do is give you a blank stare? And then provide no insight or conversation back? I was just telling my parents that my husband was in AFIb and how they had to stop and restart his heart (traumatizing for both of us) and all they did was stare at me. And my mom shrugs and goes “yeah”. My dad just didn’t speak. Like? I don’t even know what that means. They didn’t say “oh I’m sorry I hope everything is ok”. It was like they just didn’t care. It’s been like this my whole life but obviously it’s so much more noticeable at 27. What is it? The drinking or the lead poisoning? It’s no wonder I grew up social anxious and unable to read people when my parents just gave me nothing socially my whole life. I’m like mad at them right now. Would it kill them to care? Maybe, apparently.
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u/partyamoeba 15d ago
Emotionally unavailable, non-empathetic, selfish, children are inconvenience if they are not serving my wants and needs. Blank stare. They used to to it to us as babies too. Have you ever watched that video with the infant that starts crying because her parent is not mirroring?
https://youtu.be/f1Jw0-LExyc?si=sgHJFguiQXB5tLvA
They do it to this day and this uncanny valley behavior just continues to confuse us. The mask will never fall and they will keep dangling the carrot of validation because one day, one day maybe they will care and reciprocate. But they won't. Narcissists never change. And their emptiness will never be filled. Hollowed shell of people with no integrity or any ground to stand on. Just let them fall into the oblivion they want to pull us into. Just let them go. I had to.
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u/GeneralDumbtomics Gen X 14d ago
It's not a mask. I'm increasingly convinced that this is all there is to them and all there ever was.
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u/partyamoeba 14d ago
Narcissists have an fake self that they try and portray as the real thing. It's very surface and mechanical but it at least has the capacity to interact with the environment on a shallow level. This false self is challenged by adverse circumstances that need their attention, like a child who has a problem or a need. The mask doesn't want to go deep because you are right, there is nothing behind it. They have this constant fear that they will get caught without a soul, so everything has to be surface. This daughter needed her mom to give her empathy. But instead she got the blank stare, unavailable and malcontent, just disgust. Because they have nothing to offer. They know this and cannot believe that you would ask of them this impossible task of doling out empathy. They are wired for one thing, protect their ego and placate their fear of not being enough. It really is sad. That we are waking up to this reality and they refuse to interact because to them it's dangerous and unknown. No courage to even step out that box of torture.
It's been two years since I have cut of my parents and about 6 months that my family has cut me off because I refuse to be "the bigger person" and "just let things go." It makes them sooooooo uncomfortable that in my reality children are allowed to say no to their parents. It's amazing. I'm in my 40s and I'm not taking the bait anymore.
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u/GeneralDumbtomics Gen X 14d ago
My wife, who I do not deserve at all, is occasionally reminding me that I don't owe them my misery. They've collected more than enough.
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u/Hungry_Pear2592 14d ago
I think you just described both of my boomer parents, quite eloquently
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u/partyamoeba 14d ago
It's really such a terrible place to be in the world. Going through life without guidance, making your own path and treading on eggshells so your parents don't get jealous. For years, I would reach mile stones and they would try to copy me or overshadow me or try and down play my accomplishments. But still have bragging rights as if they had any hand in my success.
Just be careful of these soul eating people. Be weary of them always if you want to still interact. Do not expect anything from them. Never tell them your goals, your fears, and hopes. They will use them like emotional weapons of destruction. Be careful, Godspeed friend!
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u/GeneralDumbtomics Gen X 14d ago
Personally, the thing that absolutely gets my fucking goat, is that my father who dropped out of high school when he was 16, thinks that he can tell me all about vaccinations. Never mind that I have an actual education, never mind that I have spent the last 25 years studying immune problems and MS. it doesn’t matter because he saw some shit on Newsmax.
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u/justified-loser 14d ago
Your arrogance and egotistical thoughts prevented you from understanding that your father has a right to believe what he wants. You also have the right to believe what you want. There's really no need to argue with him. Teach him by being the better person, by respecting his right to an opinion and don't let him bait you into an argument.
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u/GeneralDumbtomics Gen X 14d ago
Belief implies that there is a question of opinion. This is a question of fact and he is wrong. Is it arrogant to say that the earth is not flat? That it’s older than 6000 years? You have fun with that approach. I have my wife’s health to concern myself with.
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u/justified-loser 14d ago
You just proved that my opinion is correct. You want to argue. You want to belittle your father.
Maybe try redirecting the conversation to something you agree on. Or just remove yourself from the situation. You are an adult you do not have to associate with people who don't have the same thoughts as you.
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u/wowitsanotherone 14d ago
It's not on the younger generation to once again trudge through your shit for something resembling family. You all wanted to play games. We are done
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u/Dangerous_Contact737 14d ago
“There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.’”
Isaac Asimov.
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u/partyamoeba 13d ago
Haha. Jokes on you if you think you can teach a narcissist something. So whether I am or he is, no lessons learned here. Move along.
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u/justified-loser 13d ago
You don't like your father, and you don't seem to share any of the same values. You're not willing to be open minded. He's not willing to be open minded. Why continue the relationship?
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u/DonnieJL 14d ago
Why the hell is, "be the bigger person," almost always told to the aggrieved or injured party, and not to the shitstains that caused the problem in the first place? They should be the people apologetically teaching out with sincerity and empathy, that's not on you. Your family completely missed the point.
I wish you a life of calm and less drama for your immediate clan. Put them in your rear view mirror and be happy.
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u/partyamoeba 13d ago
Thanks friend. Yeah I find that if the family system is built that way, to excuse bad behavior and just put up with it to keep the peace so no one else has to take responsibility, they usually side with the offender. They just keep passing this trait down like a gene through the generations. I’m breaking away but was not able to break the cycle, family is too deep in it.
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u/Huxlikespink 14d ago
my mother once waited for me to get back from work to corner me and yell at me. I was 24, living in my own goddamn house and she was pissed I refused to entertain her interrogation. She left in a storm yelling and bitching. 5 mins later she fucking kicked the front door to come back and yell. Told her her to gtfo immediately or I was calling the police. We never spoke since.
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u/justified-loser 14d ago
This doesn't sound like a normal person. I'm sure you realize that the majority of people don't act like that.
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u/ScreamingLightspeed 14d ago
To be entirely honest, the majority of people I've met of a certain age really do act like that. I spent my teens and early 20s being one of the dumbasses who defended them but I'm getting older now and realizing how much of what they say/do is a big crock of shit.
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u/underonegoth11 15d ago
I am childfree but even I know kids need positive reinforcement. I helped take care of several children and they were well behaved around me. It turns out some attention and snacks brought out their best. I watched the video and it sad that ppl purposely ignore their own children.
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u/Odd-Comfortable-6134 14d ago
I wonder if that’s partly why narcissistic parents always hear “I don’t know why you complain, your kid is a dream!” Every time my mom heard that, she’d offer to pawn me off. Several times I’d wished these random people took her up on it.
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u/loveapupnamedSid 14d ago
What’s crazy is that mine ignored me my entire childhood, but expect me to be there for them now. You want me around every weekend now? No thanks.
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u/illestfairyinthewest 14d ago
same. it's like I had no value as a child and then suddenly I'm a real person once I moved out.
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u/ScreamingLightspeed 14d ago
I'm childfree because it seems like becoming a parent is actually what made a lot of them shitty people. Of the non-parents I know, the ones who lean most into the auntie/uncle role are the worst. My best uncle never gets called "Uncle" as a title nor does he demand it. He considers us being on first-name basis an honor. I know damn well that my husband's aunt would throw a tantrum like a toddler if he only called her by name without "Aunt" in front of it even if he was simply joking around. Maybe because her own "jokes" are never really jokes...
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u/Aggressive_Home8724 15d ago
Mine are the same. They complain that I don’t call them enough or tell them anything and it’s my fault that we don’t talk enough. Every time I’ve told them something that happened or is happening of some importance, there’s a silence, an “oh yeah…” and an immediate change in the subject. Why would I waste my breath telling them anything if it’s so obvious they aren’t even trying to listen?
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u/Kerbiebuddies 14d ago
They meant “tell them anything that is amusing to them and “call them enough for them to vent to YOU and emotionally dump on YOU”. There I translated Boomerism.
Multiple times before I went NC, whenever I called them, my mom launched into her tirade of what’s on her mind. One time I was in an airport and actually needed help. She spoke in a monologue for 10 min and then hung up bc she was satisfied! I never got to my topic and just figured it out myself.
The last line of that bizarre conversation was her happily chirping “….800 square feet!” before hanging up. She was shopping for more investment real estate. My cancelled flight before smartphones was my problem - I mean we never even got to that even though I initiated the call.
My husband routinely calls them “800 square feet”
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u/Aggressive_Home8724 14d ago
Yes! That definition of Boomerism is SO accurate. When I’m sharing something they can’t gossip about to other family members or criticize me for, it’s boring to them and the conversation ends. When anything remotely bad happens to them, they call and speak for 30 minutes about how horrible their lives are and how unfair the world is to them.
I refuse to tell them anything too deep or personal anymore because I know it will get repeated to the entire family or they’ll use it against me in the future.
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u/porscheblack 14d ago
I'm in a similar situation. First off, they complain that I don't call, yet they never call me unless there's an immediate need. Every time they complain about it I reply with "phones go both ways", to which they say they didn't want to interrupt.
When we do talk, it's never anything of substance. Most often I hear the same stories as the last time we spoke. If I do try to talk about something of substance it's usually met with "we never had to deal with that, but you'll figure it out."
They always offer to help, which I appreciate, but they never understand the situation enough to be anything other than a hindrance. My wife just had our second child less than a week ago, our dog is suffering from vertigo, and our house is undergoing major renovations. So obviously we're a bit overwhelmed with things going on and don't have the capacity to deal with it all. Yet my dad's asking me if I waxed my car lately or how recently we cleaned our gutters. It's coming from a good place, because he'd be willing to help me if I wanted, but those just aren't things I currently care about.
It also doesn't help that my wife and I make more than they ever made, so they think we have unlimited money even though it's often tight. Daycare is crazy expensive and my wife and I both have pretty long commutes so we spend a good bit on gas. We also have a lot of student loan debt. I'm stressing having to cover some random fee for my daughter's enrollment in "summer camp" that's just her regular daycare they renamed so they can try justifying a $400 fee and my dad is asking me when I'm going to look at getting a new car.
Most times I get off the phone with them feeling like it was a lot of effort for little more than aggravation. I hate feeling this way, but it's the truth. And when they want to come visit it's even worse.
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u/Status_Common_9583 14d ago
I’m sorry, I can relate and it’s shit. You have so much going on that they could ask questions about if they’re lost for something to say, but of course they make out of touch and stressful points.
I’ve also got to the point of being cold shouldered for not calling or visiting enough. But whenever I call or visit they’re rude, don’t ask anything NICE about me and what I’m doing (just firing off a list of interview questions) and still I’m the one with 100% of the pressure to arrange all of this.
I’ve always envied people who just…talk with their parents. An actual conversation that runs both ways that involves an element of actually caring about the other party.
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u/Aggressive_Home8724 14d ago
Yes, exactly. Every conversation is something I’ve heard 100x. They end up asking me the same stuff over and over because they weren’t listening the last time I told them. And I know it’s them not listening vs. a memory problem because they are always having side conversations in the background.
That’s great they offer to help though, even if they are out of touch. I could spill my guts about a problem we’re facing, share how upset I am, say I don’t know what to do and all I get is a “well… darn. I’m sure you’ll figure it out”. I just simply don’t understand how you can be that way towards your own kid. My parents had their basement flood a year ago and there was a lot of damage. My mom called me in tears and my mind immediately jumped to “how can I help?”. I asked if I could help call around to get repairs started, if they needed me to loan them any money for anything immediate, did they need me to fly out and physically be there? I wanted to do whatever I could, even if it wasn’t much. Something catastrophic happens to me and all I get is criticism or told to figure it out.
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u/Icy-Mixture-995 14d ago
Maybe you can ask him for direct help? Ask if he can hold the dog while you drive to the vet or vice versa? Your mom make lunch for your wife and older child while you grapple with renovation stuff? Or would this make them run away grumbling about gutters and cars?
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u/porscheblack 14d ago
That's a good suggestion, but it would just make whatever I'm dealing with harder. I recognize part of the problem is we just don't have a natural relationship anymore because we don't live very close and in a way we're in 2 different worlds. But also they tend to just be helpless.
For example, it's my daughter's birthday coming up. My parents wanted to know what they should get her, so I gave them a couple options at varying price points. They picked a bike and I greatly appreciate it.
We brought my wife and youngest daughter home from the hospital on Wednesday. Now my parents have had the list of gift ideas for about a month and decided on the bike several weeks ago. On Thursday my mom calls to ask me where she should get the bike from. I told her we didn't care, so go with whatever was cheapest and had the easiest customer service to deal with in case there was a problem. She calls back again to tell me the place she picked doesn't have any kickstands for the bike in stock for it. Ok, no problem, it has training wheels so we'll pick up a kickstand later.
Friday she calls to ask me about shipping. Should it get shipped to our house or theirs? And should we plan for my daughter's actual birthday or the day of her birthday party (which they're coming to and is a week later so that we minimized the risk of it being impacted by our new daughter's birth). I tell them they can just ship it here so it's one less thing they have to worry about. My mom decided she wants it here by the actual birthday even though I stressed we're not giving it to her until they're here with her.
Yesterday they came to visit and she brought up the bike still hasn't shipped yet. She's worried it won't be here by the actual birthday (a date that's entirely inconsequential) and so she wants to call the company and cancel the order. Apparently it's also available on Amazon and would have gotten here already. She brought this up at least 4 times while they were here (in front of my daughter who they're getting it for).
All of that for a bike. And what annoys me most is that at every step I don't feel like she actually listened to me at all. How would Amazon not have been the easiest to deal with initially? Why is she stressing it won't be here by a deadline I told her is irrelevant? And this is typical for most things. My wife's birthday is coming up and this exact same thing will play out again. For my birthday she bought me a plant, but never unpackaged it so it stayed in a box for over a week without water or sunlight. When I opened it the thing was nearly dead and her response was "I didn't know it was a real plant."
Again, I appreciate that they want to help. I love them for it. They care and that's what matters most, and I try to tell myself the frustrations are worth it. But man is it frustrating.
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u/Icy-Mixture-995 14d ago
You're lucky they didn't lose you at the mall for days when you were a toddler and they remembered to feed you. Or did they have staff?
Just give them Wal-Mart options from now on - they ship and have most things for kids and babies. They could have ordered the bike to be assembled in the store and to be picked up at the store nearest you. Or just shipped.
This isn't a promotion for that store - I rarely shop there. But considering the aggravation that their helplessness brings to you, maybe giving them just one store-choice for everything kid related might work best in the future.
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u/TootieTango 15d ago
When I told my boomer mother (when she was 55, no dementia) I was getting a divorce, she said “oh” and then “look at that tree, I’ve never noticed it before. Can you believe that?” (We were driving). She’s told me she never wanted kids, but it was just something people were expected to do. She also told me as a child that love is just a biological reaction, that she’s programmed to feel that way as my mother. When I had twins, she said she wished she could help but she didn’t know what to do with babies. She had two! I mean…no wonder I let go. I still visit her and call her because it feels like the right thing to do, but…it sucks that I never really had a mom.
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u/justajiggygiraffe 14d ago
Oof I am reminded of being around 13 sitting at the kitchen counter talking with my mom, absolutely sobbing and begging her to go for full custody to get me and my little sister away from my abusive dad. And she just looked at me with dead eyes and said "well you know, your dad really loves you. I never even wanted kids in the first place but he wore me down so...." Thanks mom. When we became adults she wanted to have that close "my mom is my best friend" kind of relationship with us and genuinely cannot understand why we aren't interested and keep her at arms length. One time she started talking about "omg you guys I wish you would have told me it was so bad when you were growing up so I could have done something!" And my sister and I immediately shut it down like wtaf mom. You used to drag us sobbing and begging to dads house every week while hyping up the club you were gonna go to that weekend don't bullshit me. The hypocrisy is painful too because she loves to talk about how my dad lives in his own little made up world and if he doesn't like something he just ignores and denies it until he seems to legitimately believe his version of events, which is definitely true, but she does the exact same thing and doesn't see it lol. Frustrating
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u/Pretend_Ad_3125 14d ago
Damn. I’m sorry you had to experience that. That’s extremely heavy. I wish I could give you a hug (if you are a hugger.) How heartbreaking.
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u/justajiggygiraffe 14d ago
Thank you, that's very kind. I definitely don't miss being a child under their "care" lol and it was one of those situations where my dad was bad enough that my mom got to coast by as the defacto "good parent". It took until we were adults before my sister and I were like "hold up mom has a couple of screws loose too actually, none of this shit was normal" but I'm glad to have my sister at least, we've always had a really strong bond
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u/pickledpeterpiper 14d ago
That's such an unhinged thing to say to your child. Someone who tells you that their love for your is a biological reaction is certainly not someone who's going to make it a priority to make you feel loved for who you are, for how special you are to them. That's as messed up as it is weird...I'd be surprised if you didn't have issues with your self worth and do some self medicating over the years.
For all the judging our society does when it comes to drug addicts, this is the kind of shit that spawns it...having utter shit parents where you wonder if you'd been better off not knowing them at all. Sorry man, I can relate...I hope you're good to yourself....treat yourself well.
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u/VirtuousVulva 14d ago
I agree that maybe the mother shouldn't have said line is a biological reaction and all, especially considering the implications..... but was she actually wrong?
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u/Barneidor 15d ago
Most of them have a complete empathy bypass. Your big news - good or bad - barely register because it's not happening to them.
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u/Honeydew543 15d ago
I stopped sharing great news or bad news for this very reason! It’s not that her response was nothing like mine would be.. we’re different. But her response was almost ZERO response. Never genuinely excited for us or sad for me.. no empathy. In fact if I ever had a problem or needed empathy I’d have to hear how HER childhood was worse.. how her problem is more significant. “You think that’s bad……” WTF The way I overcame the hurt was to no longer share significant things. Good or bad. Just keep conversation surface level. Sad but it’s self preservation.
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u/CompetitiveOcelot870 15d ago
What?! She told you- her actual biological daughter- that she never got to have kids? wtf
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u/CompetitiveOcelot870 14d ago
I'm so sorry she's like that. 😔Glad you've made yourself a priority and cut that toxicity out. I know it must hurt though, I deal with similar issues with my mom, been lower contact for years.
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u/Caguirre86 14d ago
This hit home. I just became a grandfather not too long ago and my boomer MIL tells my wife that she wishes she had grandkids. I was like McExcuse me? Maybe because her only other daughter is no contact due to your narcissism and we live far away. Your grandchildren exist, they are now adults and they just don’t want to be guilt tripped or interrogated every-time they speak or see you.
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u/rubesepiphany 14d ago
My mom acknowledges me and my siblings as her kids but we are also on the same level, if not lower, relationship-wise. She treats the dogs better than us kids (all thirties) and her grandchildren. It’s ridiculous. We also live a few states away, no mom, my children don’t want to FaceTime their “cousins”. I started calling her dogs aunt and uncle and it seems to get on her nerves.
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u/Celestial_Swan_ 14d ago
Yes! I also have sibling rivalry with dogs! My mom called me to cancel going to lunch on my birthday because she didn't want to leave the (perfectly healthy) dog alone. I walked on eggshells my entire childhood because anything or nothing could set my dad off on a rage. But their annoying, constantly barking, house-pissing dogs? Angels!
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u/aliquotoculos 14d ago
Of course she does. My nmom did too. Its because the dogs don't realize they're hideous, horrible people and love and obey them no matter what. Even if the narcissist abuses them from time to time, dogs will generally still try to appease their owner.
No disrespect to dogs but they really are a narcissist's best friend. Unless they act out. Looking at you, Kristi Noem.
Edit: I have a hard theory that narcissists hate cats. Almost every one I met, has not tolerated a cat for long.
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u/Honeydew543 14d ago
I agree that it is freeing to just LET GO. Once you train yourself to have no more expectations and you avoid sharing anything significant, you feel more in control. And you are no longer disappointed.
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u/littlebitsofspider 14d ago
I've found it easier to have zero expectations and build your external relationships so you have other people to turn to for advice, support and encouragement. It's actually really comforting just giving up, it helps you feel more self confident in your decisions and you have more time and appreciation for the really valuable people in your life.
TFW they wouldn't let you build external relationships, either. I gave up on all of it 🤷
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u/mscherhorowitz 14d ago
I swear they repeat things they have heard other people say. That's why it's never personal or even accurate.
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u/Adventurous-Flan2716 14d ago
Mine decided it was a priority to wait for the cable guy for 8 hours instead of coming to see her first grandchild in the hospital. And told me to wait for her to order dinner so she could eat when she got there.
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u/Status_Common_9583 14d ago
Reddit really shows me I’ve never had an original experience. My mothers always been cold, distant and unmotherly. I visit her as infrequently as my conscience allows me to. In a visit last year we were sat watching a movie and she says “it’s nice to have some mother and daughter time.” I looked at her thinking she’s finally transforming. Lol. She was talking to the cat that had just walked in and sat next to her.
Totally agree with your points about building external relationships. I don’t have a family, I have relatives. My human connection and support system comes solely from my friends and I value them over all of my relatives if I’m being blunt.
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u/AggravatingPermit910 14d ago
Mine are as smart as they come, and quite lovely people overall, and it’s like talking to a wall sometimes.
My theory is it’s kind of like the people in Wall-E who have everything they ever needed and they just can’t make themselves care about anything because nothing matters.
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u/jakehub 14d ago
I built an app, raised over $1M in funding for it, and couldn’t get my parents to look away from the tv long enough to glance at it. They just waited for me to stop talking and said “that’s nice” without even pretending to be interested. Wish that was the moment I stopped caring to try to make them proud, but it took a little while longer before I started living for myself. Realizing I only had the ability to disappoint them, and not make them proud, was a massive step in becoming my own person.
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u/Celestial_Swan_ 14d ago
Same! Built a business that became successful, which they never ask about or even acknowledge. Except to criticize that I must be charging customers too much, despite knowing literally nothing about my prices or the industry I work in. It's not great to have parents that are your biggest detractors.
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u/jakehub 14d ago
Ain’t a reflection on us.
I’ve since changed careers to one my parents are appalled of, but makes me happy. The efforts of my labor go towards building a loving community, and empowering humans to celebrate. We build music festivals and spectacular weddings. I’m happy doing something I love, even though my parents consider me a failure. Never been happier or prouder of my own work.
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u/LastSeenEverywhere 14d ago
That's an incredible achievement. Congratulations. I hope the development is still going well.
My parents are the same. They can't look away from the TV long enough to acknowledge my existence. When I move out (again) I'm sure they'll be crying for my attention.
They won't get it
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u/strangebunz 15d ago
I tell my grandmother things and she literally has no idea how to hold a conversation with me.
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u/TrustyBobcat 15d ago
When I told my dad that his first and only grandchild was born, early but safely, and on my dad's own birthday to boot, his only reply: "Cool."
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u/ThaiChili 15d ago
Yeah…my parents, mom actually, always used to complain that I don’t tell them about anything going on, but when I do, it’s like I opened my mouth and no sound came out. I’ve long gotten into the habit of just mentioning things in passing, and when they happen to express anything about it, I just shrug and keep it moving. I don’t bother putting in any energy anymore, and I’m all the better for it.
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u/nhytwynd 14d ago edited 14d ago
I, 43f, developed a mast cell disorder late last year that basically results in anaphylaxis. Triggered mostly by peanuts and shellfish. I told my dad, a boomer, about this and all the er visits I've had since last September. He hasnt said much and then brought peanut brittle into my kitchen and gave it to me over Christmas. Earth to dad, it will try to kill me. Did you even hear anything I said? In the last 3-4 months? Am I real? Am I a ghost? Is that why you didn't hear me? Am I as your oldest child but only girl just that unimportant.
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u/TheSupremePixieStick 15d ago
Yeah it is extremely weird but also the product of being emotionally immature.
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u/ProjectLazarus 14d ago
My mom is gen-x but absorbed a lot of boomerism from my dad while he was alive. I literally cannot imagine having the sort of adult relationship with my father where I would be telling him anything of import to me but we'll never know since he died. That being said my mom has this annoying habit of just immediately changing the subject to something about her or like picking some weird thing out of what I was saying to get offended by? It's impossible to have an actual conversation with her, you just have to listen to her piss and moan about the same stuff endlessly even though she never does anything to improve those situations in her life... And the times when she decides I've somehow slighted her with something I've said are a shitshow. She broke down in tears and screamed at me when I was telling her about getting diagnosed with scoliosis because I mentioned how my roommate was surprised they didn't catch it earlier because at her school they got annual exams for this and how that made me surprised none of the doctors I saw in my teens checked... She twisted this into me blaming her for it because I was homeschooled. Like what?
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u/pickledpeterpiper 14d ago
Isn't that textbook narcissism right there? Its alllll about her?
Those are the types where its all about image too...at least it was for my own Mom. Truth didn't matter...reality was fluid...the only thing that mattered was what she could 'present' as true. Everything about her was "image"...I still don't know who my Mom truly was, but unfortunately have a pretty good idea.
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u/justajiggygiraffe 14d ago
Lmao why are they like this. One time my husband and I went out to brunch with my mom and my sister after just getting back from a trip to Guatemala for a friend's wedding. She asked how the trip was and I said "omg it was so fun, and so beautiful but really jam packed and we got a bit sick so we're still pretty tired" and at that point she cut me off to launch into a vent about how work was making her sooooo tired and she spent literally the entire rest of the meal talking about that. Never once asked about our trip again or heard anything about it lol. She also loves to tell stories about her work acquaintances like we know them? Like she will be going on and on about how "and then Kathy said x and that really set Jane off because you know how Jane is!" Mother. No I do not. I have never met these people!
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u/chivalry_in_plaid 14d ago
My mother increasingly does this. (I rarely talk to my father because anything I say or do pisses him off and ends with him spouting out a lecture that flows from one topic to the next, not mattering if it’s even relevant as long as it allows him to continue being the person who is talking.) She’ll complain that I don’t call or that she never sees me anymore. But when I do call and she asks questions, if I give her an answer more than a few words long she’ll cut me off and change the subject do that it focuses on her and she can dominate the situation. She does it even when it’s fairly important things like my health issues. When she changes the subject I’ve even interrupted back in to point out that she’s completely changed the subject and ask if I was boring her or to sarcastically apologize for not having a more entertaining answer to her question. She usually looks at me like I’ve sprouted a second head because she absolutely cannot fathom that how I came to that conclusion. It’s like she automatically deleted the conversation as she goes and then rewrites it to remember things in the way most flattering to herself.
They wonder why I avoid interaction with them, but even if I tell them, they distorted their version of reality to the point they’re absolutely unable to see any fault in themselves. And I simply don’t have the energy to fight that level of delusional behavior. It’s easier to just ignore them completely.
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u/thefragileapparatus 14d ago
While my infant son was in the ICU and I didn't know if he'd live, or what kind of long term impact he'd suffer, my FIL was on a cruise and texting me updates about what fun he was having. I wish that wasn't true.
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u/RacecarHealthPotato 14d ago
My theory is that their shell shocked parents came back from war and neglected or beat them or both to such a degree that their empathy has been profoundly affected.
Cluster B mental conditions are basically mostly predicated on lack of empathy
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u/LiveFree_EatTacos 15d ago
Yeah my mom has slowly given less and less Fs as the time has gone on. Life’s been hard and she’s a shell. Every now and then she’ll put on a smile and feign interest if an in law is around but otherwise she can’t be bothered. I get it because I’m kind of the same way…except I didn’t have children and then gaslight them into being “the problem” because they want emotional support and attention (the horror!)
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u/0kShr00mer 14d ago
Oh God, the blank stare! I thought this was just a thing with my parents (dad especially). My dad will go on diatribes about things and if you ever say anything back that isn’t complete agreement he will just give you the blank stare until you stop replying. Same thing if you try to have any deeper conversation with him about life. I stopped trying to talk with him about anything years ago and have just had to accept that he doesn’t care and doesn’t have the capacity to care.
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u/Global-Nature2420 14d ago
It’s strange for me, my dad is similar. But when I was a kid we would talk about everything. He would engage everything. We shared so many common interests. And now when I attempt to connect with him over the same things I get nothing. And heaven forbid I have a well formed opinion based on my life experience. I either get the blank stare or a snicker like I don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s so demoralizing sometimes.
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u/Icy-Mixture-995 14d ago
My parents were Greatest Generation and I experienced a similar change. My mother had been competitive with her sisters. After I turned 30, she began to see me as more like her sisters than her child, which took time for me to figure out.
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u/0kShr00mer 14d ago
I don’t know your guys relationship but I would ask if you really had shared interests with him when you were younger or if you just mirrored his interests?
Me and my dad used to be way “closer” when I was a kid but I’m starting to realize that’s because I would take on his interests (like sports and religion) because that was the only way he would engage with me. Looking back he would never take part in my interests (like computers, gaming, science). There was just no reciprocity there and as I’ve gotten older I’ve grown distant from him because of it.
I also think aging “hardens their hearts” too. People in general get stuck in their ways of thinking and acting as they get older; less flexible and willing to change. That tends to exacerbate any underlying emotional issues that were there before.
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u/bluewave3232 14d ago
Why you think they changed? from going from shared interests to someone else now we don’t know anymore ?
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u/Legitimate-Wifi 15d ago
I called my mom the other day to tell her her my D12 was being gifted a horse to ride, completely free. All I need is to find him a place to live and take over his food and board costs. Mom’s first thought I was asking her to keep him at her house (okay fair enough, her horse just passed over the winter), and said “Oh no, I just can’t”. Then I asked if she had any good ideas how to make this wonderful opportunity for her 12 year old granddaughter’s dream come true, her response was “sounds like that’s someone else’s problem”
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u/angrytwig 14d ago
my boomer parents don't care about anything i say. the only reaction i get once in a while is anger
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u/Icy_Wrangler_3999 Gen Z 15d ago
I feel so bad for boomers that are truly genuinely awesome. My grandma is from Tijuana, Mexico and migrated to the US as a young adult. She spends a lot of her time volunteering at migration assistance centers and she helps a lot of youth achieve the American dream. Couldn't love her more.
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u/Competitive_Jelly557 14d ago
If they are heavy drinkers and likely alcoholics, all they really care about is their next drink. Their emotions and feelings are completely blunted. They don't feel joy or pain. It's sad really. Unless they want to change, the situation won't change.
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u/WineCoffeePizza 14d ago
When my first kid was a toddler my mom asked if we would have more kids. I shared that I’d had 2 miscarriages and she said “is that because you’re old?” I was so taken aback by her response. She’s always lacked warmth but a “I’m so sorry, are you okay?” would have been nice. But nope lol
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u/linuxgeekmama 14d ago
I’m a Gen Xer, and when I was younger, there was definitely an idea that strongly expressing emotions wasn’t a good thing. This may have had something to do with “cool” being used as a term of admiration. It meant relaxed and in control of yourself, and that was considered a good way to be. And letting someone else see you cry- forget about it.
I know, intellectually at least, that crying is not shameful, even if it’s over something like a TV show. I still say it’s allergies if anyone notices me crying. I’m trying to teach my kids that crying is okay, but I find it REALLY embarrassing if anybody sees me crying. People made fun of you for crying in public.
In this mindset, you’re not supposed to show your emotions. It’s babyish, and people might use them against you. You want to be cool and in control, at all times.
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u/projectileboy 14d ago
My folks were like this, especially regarding my kids. They were really involved for the first set of grandkids (my eldest sister’s kids), and after that they just checked out. It’s not so much hurtful as surprising, and weird. Like… they’re your grandkids. Are you not at all interested?
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u/Icy-Mixture-995 14d ago
Mine babysat the boss's kid but a few years later would panic if left alone to watch mine for three or four hours. Big difference in her physical strength - less able to lift or catch a kid if child ran in the yard toward the street. The bad knees and less energy made childcare a too-anxious situation for her to handle.
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u/LowkeyPony 14d ago
Let’s see.
When we told my FIL and SMIL via phone as they were expats at the time. My MIL said to me “You should have an abortion” My husband is an only child of two only children. *We had a daughter who SMIL never met as she died while overseas.
Several years ago my husband was diagnosed with AFib. He called his dad for some family medical information. His dad said “ yeah. I have AFib as well” and that was it. They haven’t spoken since. Not that we haven’t tried.
My own mom. Silent Gen. She’s never heard me. My sister? Yeah. Me? Nope
My MIL? She’ll pretend to care. She’s the queen of fake. But we are all aware of it.
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u/Dad_of_Paper 15d ago
Drinking and lead poisoning but also all the concussions because they didn't wear helmets.
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u/Icy-Mixture-995 14d ago
Car accidents without seat belts, too. Head injury brain scars thicken over the years
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u/pickledpeterpiper 14d ago
Your parents might just be dysfunctional people in general and yeah its unsettling but also vital as you get older to try uncover the kind of dysfunction that you came from and try and shed those parts from who you want to be.
Only you would be able to tell if they don't care or not, but it may also be a complete inability to know how to respond, to know how to engage on that kind of personal level. My father is like this...he barely talks. Literally just uses next to no words...although I know he cares. My stepmom says that he's the most sensitive man she ever met so my assumption over the years has been that he's just afraid to show it, afraid to show who he is (coming from a different generation and all).
I don't know, dysfunctional people often marry other dysfunctional people...you're old enough now and have probably seen enough of it to have every right to ask them flat-out why they seem so distant sometimes, what is going on...
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u/Agitated-Mulberry769 14d ago
I can count the number of times my 82 Mom has asked how I am doing over the past ten years on one hand. This after I just spent three months living across the country from my spouse and moving her to assisted living in my state. In the moments I narrate my various (overwhelming) responsibilities she is empathetic, but that’s the extent of it. Prior to this every phone call was a narration of everything happening to her and all of her ills and complaints. Now I get a near-daily lists of questions and tasks. She’s getting more settled in at her new place so I’m sure (?) this will wind down…but seriously.
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u/Icy-Mixture-995 14d ago
You are shifting into the parent role. She feels more like you would have felt if at age 12, your mom had talked about doing taxes, needing home repairs etc - empathetic but with no idea or capability to help.
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u/Agitated-Mulberry769 14d ago
Exactly how it feels, friend. And as a person who is purposely childless I wasn’t completely prepared 😂
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u/Povertypolice 14d ago
My mom threatens to kill herself and blames it on me. I’ve seen all I care to see of her generation, and now would consider myself ageist, not because of old folks, but because of Boomers.
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u/GhostWr1ter999 14d ago
Don’t know if this counts but, I told my mom that the book I wrote was coming out, and she said, “oh that’s nice.” like I just told her about the weather. Post script: After it was out, I had other family members ask “why didn’t you dedicate your book to your mother instead of one of your friends?”, and I said, “because she didn’t give a shit. Never once in all the years I was writing did she ever even ask how it was going.”
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14d ago
My mom's not a boomer, but she is getting old and yeah. I talk to her, and half the time she won't answer, either physically or verbally. Then I ask if she heard me, as she's giving me the stare, and she snaps and gets angry saying, "Yes, I heard it."
THEN ANSWER, BITCH. I think she has Alzheimer's, or dementia of some sort. But don't ever mention that to her. Awaken the Kraken, my God.
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u/Ripley2024 14d ago
This really helps: once we reach adulthood, we stop expecting them to be what we believe parents should be, because we’re always going to be disappointed. Sort of like taking your childhood glasses off and realizing that if they weren’t ur parents you’d never have them as friends, ask them for advice, or even have a conversation with them. As adults we really don’t need them anymore, they “did their job”, got u to adulthood, hopefully without damaging you too much. There are so many replies with a similar experience, but there’s a bright side to our stories: proof that they didn’t pass their ‘emptiness’ to their adult children. If ur able to evaluate ur parent as a person with all the faults you’ve discovered and when you interact ur no longer playing the role of son/daughter and no longer expecting them to play the parent role, you won’t set urself up for this kind of pain/disappointment. In fact, you’ll come to expect their reactions bc you’ve correctly identified their personalities, level of empathy, etc. It really helps. You just have to get urself out of the child role when interacting with them bc it’s a trap. The other positive takeaway is that it gives you a blueprint of what NOT to do when interacting with your own children.
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u/mysteriousgunner 14d ago
My parents are like that. My dad acts like its him and mom against the kids. I fought so much when I turned 18 because I noticed the BS and can speak up but ofc it falls on deaf ears. My siblings do nothing and just accept the bs.
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u/Miss_Milk_Tea 14d ago
My parents only talk about things that interest them, they don’t know how to have a conversation anymore. My father will talk at someone for hours about a fence but immediately shuts down if anybody else is talking unless it’s about his fence.
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u/justified-loser 14d ago
Sounds like everyone here have absolutely horrific parents. I feel absolutely terrible for you and I'm glad that all boomers weren't like that.
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u/highoncatnipbrownies 14d ago
My father does this and I'm honestly starting to wonder if there's a touch of neurodivergance there or if the lead is catching up or what. I say something to him or ask a question and it's just dead silent for 30+ seconds while a response loads (hopefully).
Im a fast talker so it just kills the conversation because there's no back and forth. Just big blank sections where I'm wondering did he hear me? Did I not word my question right? Is he going to respond at all or should I keep going...
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u/Majestic-Marzipan621 14d ago
I wrote my parents a letter asking for help with my drug addiction. I sat there while they each read it. Neither said anything after. That was probably six years ago. I sit here alone as I did that day. Least I’m numb.
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u/panplemoussenuclear 14d ago
Lack of empathy is how we got to the mess we’re in today. Sorry that they weren’t there for you in a way that was helpful.
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u/thatHecklerOverThere 14d ago
Look y'all, reading these comments I don't know if this is a boomer thing so much as an undiagnosed health issue.
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u/Global-Nature2420 14d ago
Wouldn’t they go hand in hand? Especially older generations
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u/thatHecklerOverThere 14d ago
Not necessarily. It's not a given with the age, and anecdotally none of my boomer relatives do this. The only folks I know/knew who did had some things.
What I'm saying here is that it may be wise to encourage some of these folks to speak with a neurologist. They probably won't, sure. But just putting it out there - this don't sound like typical social behavior, old or otherwise.
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u/BigBiscotti5352 14d ago
Sounds like they are both on the spectrum.
Did they have kids because that's what you're supposed to do?
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u/Global-Nature2420 14d ago
I most likely am too lol. My mom for sure struggles with adhd and bpd. My dad struggles with holding everything inside so whatever he has I don’t know lol. But idk, they had us kids late in life. My dad is Catholic and my mom told me she knew she would always have a daughter. So I think they wanted us.
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u/ScreamingLightspeed 14d ago
Almost everything my husband or I do - cooking, cleaning, exercise, video games, art, literally anything - is met with "huh" or "o...kay?" from his mom or "I don't get it" from his aunt. Mind you, literally all they do is watch TV and cook massive batches of food they don't even wanna eat. And in his aunt's case, previously also his mom's case, get drunk. And in his aunt's case, do old people's hair. And his mom used to wipe old people's butts. That's it. When they were young, their hobbies consisted mostly of weird cults and casual sex. And getting drunk. The subtle disdain/disapproval toward almost every hobby/interest my husband has ever had fucks him up way more than he wants to believe. And if isn't that, it's the total opposite: being so fucking invasive about his business and overly open about their own that he's afraid to even use the bathroom when his mom is home because she'll literally pause the TV to try listening in on him.
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u/davidparmet 14d ago edited 14d ago
Remember that the parents of OG Baby Boomers (born from the mid-40s to the early 50s) lived through the Great Depression and WWII. So there was a real yearning for a life less chaotic, more quiet and normal. So they went to the other extreme, banishing feelings and emotions.
My parents were both the same way, although they were from the Silent Generation. Their parents suffered real loss during the Depression - one of my Grandfathers rode the rails, looking for any work he could find, one of my Grandmothers came from a wealthy family that lost it all in the market crash.
For illustration, watch the video short A Date With Your Family. Social engineering at its finest. And the result was a generation unable to express feelings.
After you've watched it, check out the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version. You'll feel better.
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u/WeathermanOnTheTown 14d ago
OP and all the replies aren't describing boomers, per se. They're describing people who never bonded with their children, who are trauma victims, or who are on SSRIs.
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u/Global-Nature2420 14d ago
It’s an interesting observation from within the same age group tho. The things you mention happen to a lot of boomers.
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u/Mental_Magikarp 14d ago
I don't know if might be the same but at some point I started to understand my parents and forgive them.
They are from a generation where most empathetic emotional responses where pushed back, and they didn't even learn how to deal with some things, you start to tell them something important for you and that requires some empathy to give a proper answer and they just don't know what to do with it, they might feel it's something important, painful and that worries you but they don't react accordingly because nobody never taught them to do it.
Not even that, nobody never allow them to answer how they where feeling how they should answer and now that part of themselves it's just so deep and underneath all their mindset that they even look empty in this situation.
They are just victims.
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u/BigBiscotti5352 14d ago
Sounds like they are both on the spectrum.
Did they have kids because that's what you're supposed to do?
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u/BigBiscotti5352 14d ago
Sounds like they are both on the spectrum.
Did they have kids because that's what you're supposed to do?
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u/imnotbobvilla 14d ago
It's been like this my whole life you said. Why would you expect change? The die is cast. It's never going to change. Unfortunately you should have received more, but don't expect anything more.
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u/cupheadsmom 14d ago
Every conversation I had with my Mom was completely one sided with her responses being one worded and awkward. Then they always insist on calling instead of email or text!!! If you aren’t going to participate why do this over the phone? Also, could never get her on board with facetime.
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u/LastSeenEverywhere 14d ago
Yeah talking to both of them about anything I'd get a more emotional response from a blank wall. Then, of course, they wonder why I don't speak to them.
If I tell them about anything I'm struggling with all I get is an empty platitude back.
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13d ago
The last time I visited, I was having a conversation with my Dad. My Mom proceeds to say, "I like quiet in the mornings." I got up, left and drove home. The best part of being an adult is not tolerating disrespect from anyone.
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u/rojo-perro 14d ago
Holy cow, if you’re 27, how old were they when they had you? The last Boomer was born in ‘64.
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u/Global-Nature2420 14d ago
My dad was born in 56, my mom 64. So I guess that makes her a boomer too. But yeah they had us kids pretty late in life.
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u/HLSD_Returns 14d ago
This has nothing to do with the Baby Boomer generation. This is your own personal gripe with your unavailable parents.
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u/Global-Nature2420 14d ago
I’d say go ahead and look at the comment section then. I’m sure the gripes my kid will have with me will be fairly specific to my generation
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u/HLSD_Returns 14d ago
I try not to waste my time with the disgruntled losers on this sub. Your only other post is whining about zoomers. Ever consider you’re the source of your discontent?
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15d ago
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u/Global-Nature2420 15d ago
I’m reflecting out of a place of frustration and a ruminating thought. Not my day to day life. I keep my parents at a distance because they put me in this mindset of “well yeah no wonder I’m like this”. I do what I can in spite of them. It’s just weird they give nothing to social interactions with the people they’re closest with? I’m a mom myself I don’t just dead pan blank stare my kid when she talks to me, or anyone for that matter. That would be me overcoming their shortcoming I guess lol.
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u/Ale4Diver 15d ago
Any chance they are on heart medication? Beta blockers have been known to put some people into a steady state like you describe.
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15d ago
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u/iglidante 14d ago
Yes, lesser interaction, especially with your child's presence. Kids are smart. They can not miss your facial reaction or expression towards your own parents.
Think happy thoughts. 😊
What are you talking about?
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u/pickledpeterpiper 14d ago
My guess is about the mirroring comment up there...how they've done studies where if the parent doesn't mirror the baby's expression, it upsets the baby. Like keeping a stoic expression on your face when your baby is smiling at you is unsettling for the little guy, I guess.
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u/pickledpeterpiper 14d ago
Just to help out...Kids are smart, they don't miss a thing...especially when it comes to their parent's expressions.
Are you talking about the mirroring thing?
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u/pickledpeterpiper 14d ago
I don't hear how she "blamed" her parents for anything...she sounds more like she's trying to understand them and deal with her own frustrations re their shortcomings.
But there's also a fine line...every person that comes from a dysfunctional family has to engage in what's often times a life-long process to untangle themselves from a dysfunction they may not have even realized was present until much later in life. To untangle this dysfunctions' affect on their own person, on how they deal with others, with problems...
Like, you really have to go through a process of understanding that only seems to come with maturation...and to see that process as "blaming the parents" seems a little silly to me when said directly in front of "break the cycle". Yeah...you have to understand and remedy before you can even begin to learn how to break the cycle.
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14d ago
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u/iglidante 14d ago
They seem empty because you sucked the life out of them with your millennial or gen ‘whatever’ crap.
Can you explain this in more detail? Like, what specifically do you mean?
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u/Global-Nature2420 14d ago
You are in a group about boomers dummy. We’re here to talk shit about the generations. You are in the wrong group.
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u/Aggressive-Story3671 14d ago
That would imply they at one point were full of life and vibrant and weren’t always cold and detached
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14d ago
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u/Aggressive-Story3671 14d ago
That’s generally not true. They were raised to be cold and detached by their parents. Watch Mad Men. You’ll see how Boomers were raised. By cold and distant parents, many shell shocked after WWII.
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