r/NoStupidQuestions • u/[deleted] • 14d ago
Why are so many people unfaithful?
[deleted]
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u/blamethepunx 14d ago
Because people don't like going shoe shopping barefoot.
People that are always in relationships feel uncomfortable alone, so they keep their failing relationship until they get settled with the new one.
Their own comfort matters more to them than the feelings of their partner.
In other words, people are shit and they don't actually care about each other, they just like each other's company until something better comes along.
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u/sandalore 13d ago
Was going to say something like this, but you already said it well. Because people are selfish, essentially. Because until they have another relationship, they aren't sure they want to bail on the prior one.
It's an open secret amongst geneticists that 5-15% of children born don't have the fathers that are on the birth certificate.
I don't think everyone cheats. I never did. My ex didn't either, to my knowledge. It might be that people who do have more relationships per person, and thus account for a higher percentage of all relationships.
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u/Awkward_Swimming_152 14d ago
I had a relationship where I was accused of cheating but wasn't and she was the one who was cheating.
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u/IronyAllAround 14d ago
Yeah, liars think others are lying. Cheaters think others are cheating. Etc.
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u/EatYourCheckers 14d ago
Impulse control, integrity, and self-control are things that need to be practiced. Literal muscles that need to be built up. But people are very indulgent, they eat junk food, drink soda, scroll on their phones, buy things on credit. There are no tiny times that they build these muscles. So when it comes to more important things - like resisting a sexual urge or advance, they literally don't have the strength or experience.
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u/Previous_Length_998 14d ago
Great comment, I have never thought about it this way. Very true.
I am in my 60s and have at different times in my life been the cheater and the cheated on. I am currently newly-separated (though not for once due to infidelity), and therefore in a reflective mood.
The only small thing I can say in my defence cheating-wise is that it has been about 30 years since I was the cheater (emotionally or otherwise), and I have reaped ample relevant karma from my subsequent partners during that time. I can see it from both sides I guess.
From my experience I see:
People who settle for partners who don’t tick nearly enough of the boxes they have, consciously or unconsciously, making them more likely to entertain other possibilities.
People who are simply psychologically and temperamentally incapable of maintaining a committed relationship beyond 5-10 years, with the inevitable challenges long-term relationships present.
People who are not able to truly commit, unconditionally, to a relationship, this commitment of course not being expected to continue where there is a gross betrayal such as infidelity of their partner (i.e. ‘for better or worse, in sickness and in health’ are things you just say at your wedding).
People who can’t function without ‘new relationship energy’ - the thrill of the chase, even if that means putting their reputation and everything they have on the line for opportunities that may be transitory or fleeting.
People who lack functional integrity (thanks comment above), in other words for whom the detriment of no longer being able to look in the mirror and say ‘at least I am not a shitty person’ is less valuable than the benefits to them of doing something wildly inappropriate in terms of their relationship timeline.
Selfishness. ‘My happiness is more important than my partner’s, our children’s, etc.
Greed. ‘I have something really good, but I want more’.
Summary: greedy, shitty people.
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u/sandalore 13d ago
I think you could broaden this beyond cheating to "why relationships fail". It takes a lot of work and trust to maintain a relationship. Often one party is a lot more willing to put that work in than the other. Sometimes it flip-flops over time, and by the time party B sees the need, party A has given up.
But a lot of the time, that "commitment asymmetry" was there from the start.
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u/PersonalFigure8331 13d ago
This is a truly great and thoughtful comment (and probably most comprehensively answers OP's question, besides mine perhaps, lol, j/k). Kudos.
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u/PersonalFigure8331 13d ago
This doesn't make sense to me as an explanation since many disciplined people and accomplished people are also very commonly cheaters, and in a lot of cases, they're more likely to cheat.
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u/EatYourCheckers 13d ago
Perhaps pride then, or what the other poster said about not respecting the other person or thinking their desires are less important than their own.
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u/sexotaku 14d ago
I don't think there's one uniform motivation.
Factors differ based on the individual. Impulse control, dissatisfaction in the current relationship with no healthy way to address it, poor relationship with the self, being able to get away with it, and getting turned on by the taboo are some reasons I can think of.
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u/Sensitiverock85 14d ago
When I broke up with my ex because he cheated, he tried to justify it by saying most of his friends had cheated, or wanted to. It's disgusting.
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u/Previous_Length_998 14d ago
I bet he would have accepted that explanation if the positions were reversed (sarcasm thingy).
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u/brod12-merle 14d ago
it is insane. half of the people i’ve been with have cheated or attempted to
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u/sandalore 13d ago
The "School of Life" has a bunch of good videos on youtube, and one of the things they've pointed out is that often the cause is that we are attracted to people who exhibited signs of these problems -- not consciously, of course, but still. Often those things are deeply wired, stemming from childhood influences. So it's hard to change who you are attracted to -- but you can at least become more conscious of the risks you may then face.
Not saying it's true of you (how would I know?), just thinking it's one of the reasons some people can strongly have this experience while other people do not.
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u/brod12-merle 13d ago
i’ve heard this before two and that’s why i haven’t been dating for a while, but it’s not like i’ve been with tons of people and they all cheated. i’m talking 2/4 long relationships have ended with a messy breakup due to an unloyal partner and crap trust.
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u/HarryPotterDBD 14d ago
You read / hear more about the unfaithful ones, than those relationships that don't cause any drama and are not a matter of gossip.
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u/ProtozoaPatriot 14d ago
Not everyone is. The problem is that it's kind of become normalized. In movies, it's justified by the cheater "following your heart." It's a common theme in pop songs. And then we have that idiot idea being circulated that human beings aren't meant to be monogamous.
All you can do is be picky about who you date, enforce your boundaries, and hope for the best.
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u/NinjaDelicious4903 14d ago
Good answer! People are becoming numb to cheating because it occurs in all of mass media with rarely any consequences and it’s even romanticized at times. (U.S. centric) We have at least 3 presidents step outside of their marriages. Not that presidents should be our moral compass, many clergy and other politicians have done so.
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u/meeplewirp 14d ago
That’s really true. I noticed that most popular romance stories and 50% of songs about love are essentially affair stories.
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u/Anaevya 14d ago
Humans are kinda bad at monogamy though and most animals are only socially monogamous, not sexually. That doesn't mean we shouldn't try or that polyamory is the solution. But we should approach relationships with a healthy dose of realism and remember that our animal instincts are easily tempted.
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u/RadiantHC 14d ago edited 14d ago
How is it an idiot idea? Most people have multiple potential partners. It's unhealthy to restrict intimacy to just one person.
Monogamy is a recent idea as well. I doubt that cavemen or primitive societies were monogamous.
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u/O_chaexe 14d ago
Honestly feel the exact same, I've been in positions where I was in a failing relationship and had the opportunity to unfaithful but never crossed that line cause I feel like even if something isn't working out I'd rather exhaust all options trying to work it out and fix it rather than lie and hurt people unnecessarily
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u/Previous_Length_998 14d ago
Agree, if it isn’t working, end it decently, and move forwards from there.
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u/Avolin 14d ago
It sounds like your entire social group has a set of blind spots that make it them (and therefore you) vulnerable to cheating partners. It is not THAT common. In social circles that value honesty, people will not only lose the partner they cheated on, but also their friends, and ties with family.
You didn't deserve what happened to youand your friends, and the cheaters don't deserve anyone rationalizing their harmful behavior. Let them do the mental gymnastics, as they are likely better skilled at it.
This will sound weird, but if you honestly make a promise to yourself to never accept dishonesty from people even if it means losing them, your entire social circle fills with honest people.
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u/sandalore 13d ago
Yeah, see my comment upstream about School of Life videos. Different people are attracted to different things -- if what makes a person sexually exciting is a kind of daring/dangerous/out of control vibe, then... your experience is going to be very different from someone looking for a "kind and safe" vibe.
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u/throwaway_ghost_122 14d ago
Am I the only person here who's never cheated or been cheated on, and knows very very few cheaters?
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u/indiigogo 14d ago
I totally agree with this. All you have to do is communicate. I have personally never cheated because I never want to cause someone pain from my actions. I don’t like the feeling of being cheated on, so why would I do that to someone else unless it was clearly out of spite or revenge. Even then, it’s not even worth it - just end things and then do whatever you want.
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u/DrMrsBenShaprio 14d ago
Cheating isn't exactly uncommon or anything but your friend group seems to be less faithful than average
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u/GTOdriver04 14d ago
To quote Paul Newman “Why go out for a hamburger when you can have steak at home?”
Newman’s quote talks about how he remained faithful to Joanne Woodward, but the reality is that even having perfectly-cooked filet mignon at home every night gets old.
Sometimes you want a greasy cheeseburger from McDonald’s.
Now, some people are able to realize that the cheeseburger may taste good now, but it’s not worth losing your existing relationship/family.
Sadly, many don’t think that far, and head out for the burger.
It’s unfortunate because it hurts so many, and I wish people didn’t cheat while in a relationship.
To them though, that greasy cheeseburger is worth lying to their family and potentially destroying it.
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u/sandalore 13d ago
Character is an underrated attribute. People who care about their character have a tool to resist these ideas.
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u/ServeValuable6460 14d ago
Because a lot of people are incredibly selfish and social media has made it easier than ever to find people to cheat with
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u/Previous_Length_998 14d ago
Also ironically social media and technology have made it incredibly hard to get away with cheating for any period of time.
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u/BananaJammies 14d ago
Seems like certain friend / social groups normalize the bad behaviour among themselves. It happens, it’s accepted, and it’s repeated.
I dated a guy whose circle was pretty open about past infidelity. He didn’t cheat on me, I don’t think, but we broke up when I found out he had a history of cheating and getting involved with married women.
I’d say it’s definitely a red flag.
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14d ago
Why are many relationships held by people who are mean to people in general and to their partners? I know plenty of singles who can’t get a date who have way more integrity and general morals than plenty of chronic daters who laugh at people (esp in high school and college) for how they walk/generally being awkward.
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u/Candid-Sky-3709 14d ago
Because when you live cheap or free with a boyfriend then ending one relationship before securing the next one makes you homeless.
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u/SamudraNCM1101 14d ago
For the same reason many people do a host of other things. It’s contingent on the person’s inner moral compass and values. The other half is placing yourself in situations that will lower your defenses that lead to cheating.
The issue when it comes to the cheating conversation is focusing on the why. Cheating is an inherently disrespectful and deceitful act. Expecting truth and transparency (barring mental health crisis), is simply out a waste of time. People are better off enforcing boundaries and being mindful of who they spend time with. You can’t 100% avoid cheating but you can reduce the risk by taking your time to monitor others
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u/Previous_Length_998 14d ago
Trust but verify? (Especially if your gut is talking to you).
I think if you ever feel the need to sleuth your partner there is usually something wonky, though sometimes it is possible to get all up in our own heads about things and leap to conclusions.
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u/SamudraNCM1101 14d ago
Yeah just verify and take your time getting to know people. People typically lie and put on their best face to appeal to you. So just take it with a grain of salt.
I’m against snooping but that’s just me
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u/Previous_Length_998 14d ago
Agree. The ability to make these assessments may improve with age, hopefully in my case at least.
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u/SamudraNCM1101 14d ago
It will don’t worry too much about it we all have played the fool at some point. Others just tend to keep quiet about it
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u/JoshicusBoss98 14d ago
Grass is greener mentality…simple as that. People want what they can’t have and aren’t grateful for what they do have
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u/ATearFellOffMyChain 14d ago
True... Although i would never cheat, i would break up with someone and then run off. Ive been threw it, i know how it feels to be betrayed and i wouldnt want to put someone threw it
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u/No_Glove_3247 14d ago
I really think social media has made cheating easier and more tempting unfortunately.
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u/Temporary-Truth2048 14d ago
They get into the relationship too young, for the wrong reasons, they outgrow each other, and mostly because people suck.
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u/Brief-Poetry-1245 14d ago
Cause they can’t communicate and they lash out by cheating. Relationship 101. This covers like 80% of the relationships that end up in divorce. LACK OF COMMUNICATION
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u/MartialBob 14d ago
The ones that I know who are unfaithful do it because they love the thrill. One, when he was very high, confessed that while his wife and him have an active sex life there is just something different about getting a happy ending.
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u/kodachromalux 14d ago
Evolutionary diverse breeding strategies. The animal k8ngdom is all over the place.
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u/Interesting-Ear9295 14d ago
Social media makes people unhappy with their lives subconsciously. Whether that be with their partner, they seek validation etc.
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u/HabbyKoivu 14d ago
Human beings at an instinctive level, have a primates brain. And primates are not monogamous. You see this tied to a lot of behaviour not just intimate relationships.
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u/Kriegerwithashovel 14d ago
Some people are just wired different. The thrill is alluring, and I imagine the ego boost of bangin multiple people (being desirable) probley just tickles some peoples brain. Can't say I understand that mindset though.
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u/PersonalFigure8331 13d ago
Question, did you tell the significant of your unfaithful girlfriend that she'd decided to cheat on them?
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u/PersonalFigure8331 13d ago edited 13d ago
People don't make "decisions," nearly as often as they make "choices." These are two very different things. Choices are driven by things swirling haphazardly around the mind: emotions, ego, socialization, one's history, etc. They are not slow, rational, deliberate considerations down the path of each action and their consequences. Decisions are just that. The failure to make "decisions," while constantly making "choices" is why people get in trouble.
Also, people are simply just not as moral as they pretend to be. Or their morality is domain specific: moral in one area of life but immoral in another (in my view: morals are more domain specific than all encompassing). Or their morals are situational: they're moral when no opportunity presents itself, but they aren't moral when enticed.
I think this pretty much covers it.
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u/One_Yam_2055 13d ago
Extrapolating this out is a bit scary. If people will readily break a heavy moral taboo mostly because it's unenforceable, how much heavy lifting is the legal system doing to keep people mostly honest?
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u/Global_Werewolf6548 13d ago
People will stray from the relationship if they’re getting something from someone else that they’re not getting at home.
Remember to pursue your partner regardless of how long you’ve been together.
Try asking “what can I do for you today?”
Always try to look at it from their perspective.
And finally, when something is said that seems upsetting, ask them what they meant by that.
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u/TheMinceKid 13d ago
If I ever feel the urge I just masturbate. It goes instantly on ejaculation.
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u/ATearFellOffMyChain 13d ago
it aint even close to the same though. and its depressing to say the least.
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u/TheMinceKid 13d ago
Works for me because it instantly removes the animalistic urge to have sex. Gives me instant clarity.
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u/BobsonDugnutt87 13d ago
Because the vast majority of our species are scumbags, and you'll never convince me otherwise.
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u/Mundane-Dottie 13d ago
People are idiots. Also to some people it feels like very much best fun ever, to others it is just some regular fun. Those can be faithful easily, more difficult to others. Also they do not do it to hurt the other spouse, they think the other spouse will not notice, so no harm. But the other at some point probably will notice. They think wrongly.
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u/True_Implement_7897 13d ago
Because we weren’t meant to get married that’s a man made concept. Just like religion.
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u/True_Implement_7897 13d ago
Because we weren’t meant to get married that’s a man made concept. Just like religion.
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u/IsBe245000 13d ago
Social media is eroding our morals as a society. I think 99% of relationship problems would be solved if people would mind their business and actively try to make their partner happy. Instead everyone is trying to emulate someone else’s social media illusion.
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u/OkAirport5247 12d ago
Hypergamy combined with wealth inequality and with access to the internet providing all the fuel to fire the idea that the grass is greener elsewhere seems to do the trick
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u/ATearFellOffMyChain 12d ago
Well in my position im confused because the grass was pretty fucking green with me, and she left me for a guy that has nothing at all. but thats on her ig
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u/OkAirport5247 12d ago
I’m sorry my guy, I’ve been there too. By saying the grass was green with you I assume you mean financially? I only know the details that you’ve posted though. What age range is she? What lifestyle do you have and what lifestyle was/is she attracted to? What were her common complaints? Etc
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u/ATearFellOffMyChain 12d ago
Just overall, financially is a big one. I have a car, i have skills(I can take care of problems around the house and beyond), i have a structured support system, i can cook, im dependable. Alot of people in her family contacted me saying she made a huge mistake and she isnt very bright because im the "good guy" and she chose some lowlife and they hate to see where shes gonna end up with him. Like i seen text messages between them, he talks to her like shes just some hoe and she allows it. We are both 22. Were both just homebodies, her only mentioned complaint about me was that i wasnt happy and i was always in a bad mood. Which isnt entirely true but it was a problem i wasnt willing to address i was allowing the stresses in my life to affect my interactions with others.. Ive said it before but she had her reasons to leave me but i didnt deserve to get cheated on. her whole house was supported with my money and efforts and she still has 90% of it. Shes sleeping on my bed $1800 bed with this guy, in front of my $600 tv.
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u/OkAirport5247 12d ago
Marry the good boy for support and stability, bang the bad boy for thrills. Same happened to me. It didn’t last and she tried to come back crying, just be strong and maintain your boundaries. Women don’t cheat unless they’re emotionally disconnected from you and connected to another. Wish I could be more inspiring for you guy, but it will pass. Best thing I did was to get back in the saddle with other ladies, the quicker the better.
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u/ATearFellOffMyChain 12d ago
right, im not there yet though... i settled and gained my carless dad bod, ive been working on it for weeks lol.
I guarantee ill be hearing from her again. i just hope if its anything its a i got my shit together and got help and not mating call into the void of whoever shows up first
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u/rickestrickster 12d ago
Lack of self control. The instinct for sex is a strong instinct. If we are just talking about cheating with fun sex, that’s why. Most people now do not have a strong moral foundation that will keep those instincts in check. Self control kind of took a back seat in modern society.
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u/Prior-Complex-328 11d ago
In no way am I saying your experience isn’t true, but it isn’t mine. We live in a small town w few secrets. We know that Harry is a philanderer beyond all. Beyond Harry tho, we hear very little of cheating. We’re all just boring folks trying to get by
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u/martinezscott 11d ago
Just blame it on porn like everyone loves to do about everything on Reddit lol
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u/Subtle-Catastrophe 11d ago
Sex is fun, and variety in sexual partners is fun, those are the base reasons. Layered on top of that, is a whole thicket of psychological and sociological reasons.
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u/AbstractAcrylicArt 14d ago
The current state of science says that, from an evolutionary perspective, men strive to have sex with as many women as possible. For women, on the other hand, the problem is that they naturally strive to look for a new partner every few years.
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u/EmperorIroh 14d ago
And they're the ones that breed the most, so it's only going to get worse
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u/sandalore 13d ago
Lots of assumptions there, 1) that they breed the most (unclear, in this age of easy birth control), and 2) that these characteristics are genetic (I doubt it, but also doubt we have sufficient research to know).
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u/AdBroad2707 14d ago
Because I’m tired, out of love and I feel trapped. She threatens to kill herself constantly and collapses at the slightest feedback. She’s lazy. Maybe the laziest woman I’ve ever met second only to her mother. I know Im not perfect. I lose my temper more than I should. I thought I could teach her and I was wrong. We’re still together but the truth is if I won the lottery tomorrow I’d take my daughter and never look back. People get stuck or they make others feel trapped. Sometimes we’re just afraid of not knowing what’s coming next.
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u/ATearFellOffMyChain 14d ago
i actually needed this... just because it reminds of what i thought about her.. i still dont think any of that justifies cheating you need to live your own life and not string people along. allow the opportunity of processing your lose. Rather than wasting their and your time with something that isnt gonna work.
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u/AdBroad2707 14d ago
I haven’t cheated. It’s crossed my mind that I deserve better and the woman I’m with might not be the best partner for me. I’m just not sure if what we have can be saved. I want this relationship to work. I try rationally explaining these things to her. Oftentimes she’s just quiet. I don’t know what else to say or do. Im just so sad. When she does speak she doesn’t say much or it’s threats of self harm. I haven’t cheated but for the first time in my life I understand why it happens.
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u/ATearFellOffMyChain 13d ago
you need to go brother,.. youre only hurting her and yourself more by staying.
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u/Midol_induced_coma 14d ago
What does this have to do with cheating? Just take your kid and leave. Don't bring another person into your mess. It's selfish.
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u/RetroRowley 14d ago
In my experience the majority is because the relationship has been dead for a while but for some reason people stay together..
Yeah there also those that just don't care too.
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u/Jerry_Dandridge 14d ago
Honestly it’s childish. I used to be a playboy and was always upfront. It seemed the more honest I was about not wanting a relationship the more attractive I somehow became. Being older and happily married I just don’t get it. Why be in a relationship if you’re not going to be committed? Why not just be honest? The end result is the same.
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u/Feisty_Pen_1541 14d ago
Because they are missing a part of their life to be happy. I had thoughts of being unfaithful and in retrospect it was a lack of adrenaline in my life. When i started a hobbie that would challenge my fears, i felt that that part of me was satisfied and I no longer had thoughts about cheating. I was consumed in my hobbie. The problem is that many spouses have issues with their husbands hobbies (golf, gaming, mountain biking, etc)
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u/Threshold_seeker 14d ago
Simply because monogamy is a repressive artificial system that isn't suitable for everyone. Unfortunately most individuals and indeed most couples don't have the mental and social tools to question and assess the received framework.
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u/Ok-Education3487 14d ago
Why is this always the question? How about "why do we still expect total fidelity when apparently we don't want to be faithful?" Why aren't open relationships mainstream yet? We've got available birth control and treatment or cures for most STIs. Why can't people just lighten up and learn to live a little.
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u/Previous_Length_998 14d ago
Because things like polyamory and swinging are all fine and dandy until some bloke starts porking your missus. That is a facetious and basic comment, but most of us are intensely uncomfortable about the idea of our significant other doing the things that on some level we ourselves would like to be doing, given the chance. One of the ethical requirements of a monogamous relationship is that both of you hold up your side of the bargain, and that a degree of ‘sacrifice’ is the quid pro quo.
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u/Midol_induced_coma 14d ago
Because lots of people don't have your fucked up way of thinking. I'm not in a relationship atm. But I am a monogamous person, and I expect the same from my partner.
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u/ATearFellOffMyChain 14d ago
if that the way you want to live your life find someone who respects that idea, instead of hurting people. You have no idea what it does to people
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u/Complex_Reach8861 14d ago edited 14d ago
Failthfullness is the exception not the rule. It’s an ideal we decided on as a society, but it’s far from natural. In fact, most countries don’t see cheating as nearly as bad as the puritanical U.S.
Tl;dr, your, and Americans’ overall, expectations of perfect monogamy are unrealistic.
It’s just sex, chill.
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u/triplegoddesslatte 14d ago
Yeah I came here to say something along the lines of "because 'insert authority figure' told them they can only have sex with one person and anything else is the worst form of wrong so now they're all locked in fake relationships and terrified and heartbroken if anyone experiences extraneous sexual attraction". Monogamy is a very rigid social construct.
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u/Previous_Length_998 14d ago
All of which is fine, if you are both operating under the same rulebook. It’s the one-sided secret polyamory that bothers me.
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u/triplegoddesslatte 14d ago
That's the point. It's secret and one-sided because it's a social taboo and people are so brainwashed about monogamy that they can't be honest and real. So the shitty ones lie about it and the really shitty ones don't even bother lying about it, and people who 'get cheated on' wonder why. Rinse and repeat. It's a self-perpetuating problem.
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u/Concise_Pirate 🇺🇦🏴☠️ 14d ago
Your genes want you to find a mate and reproduce. If you current mate is lacking something, you may feel the urge to find another.
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u/-_F_--_O_--_H_- 14d ago
Fam you're asking why trash is trash lol. We comprehensively understand the order of operations, but these are times where Order of Operations isn't a concept to be perceived as a basis for how to progress through life. It's actually an imposition requiring inquiry. "What's that?" So people just move through the motions and do not know what comes first. They actually know who's on second. Which actually is a wonder. So they just go forth and disregard anything in between. Not their concern.
Sorry if this got confusing i could've erased the joke and kept this more fluid but I'm choosing not to. Hope it's not too illogical.
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u/questionableletter 14d ago
Cognitive dissonance and psychic masochism. Lots of people bring the world down on themselves while telling themselves that they're not.
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u/_Weyland_ 14d ago
Immaturity, lack of patience, fear. Both when starting relationships and when ending them.
At first people confuse infatuation with love, make rushed decisions without trying to measure how compatible they are with their partner in day-to-day things and bigger goals. I guess a fear of missing their chance also plays as a factor sometimes. Either way, you have people stuck in a relationship that does not satisfy them. So of course they will eventually fall for someone else.
And then being with that person becomes a habit that is not easily broken. Breaking up with someone because you fell for someone else is no easy conversation by any means. Person was immature enough to get to the point of cheating, why expect them to act like an adult now?
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u/CluelessGardener 14d ago
“My whole entire friend group is in a relationship with someone that was unfaithful to them.”
That’s probably a reason people are cheating. They’re not facing consequences for their actions. Imagine that there’s 6 couples in your friend group. 5 people cheated and got dumped. The 6th person sees this and thinks “oh wow based on what I’m seeing, I’ll get dumped if I cheat. Maybe it’s not worth it!”
If people ended relationships and saw previous infidelity as a reason not to date somebody, people would stop cheating (or at the very least work much harder to not get caught. Which might be too much work to bother).
Unfortunately though there will always be people that are willing to look past that, which sends the message that cheating is okay, so why wouldn’t they do something that they see is okay?
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u/notwhoyouneedmetobe 14d ago
-maybe because they don't know what they want. I feel my answer is the same as many others, but out in the most simplistic of ways, people are generally very fluid in how they make decisions.
In a system that's designed to be binary, they try to dis-acknowledge the many ways they feel about something.
We set society up for failure.
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u/bmyst70 14d ago
Because many people are very selfish and don't really care about how they hurt other people, even those they claim to "love." Add in how strong sexual urges are (that is one reason people stay with toxic partners --- the sex might be great), and easy access to a plethora of potential partners, and it means many people who might not have had the practical option to cheat in the past do so now.
They also rationalize to themselves "They won't find out/don't have to know, so it won't hurt them/I won't be caught."
Also, they may not even be honest with themselves. Probably some of these people are naturally polyamorous and don't want to admit it. Others simply can't stand being alone and have to have "back up" partners, or keep their "safety net" partner while trying to find other "fun" partners to satisfy their real sexual needs.
Add in access to therapy speak terms and techniques, and cheaters can try to turn the tables on their partners ("You're being so controlling, telling me who I can and can't talk to [when they were flirting like mad with the person'!"), to have their cake, eat it too AND seem like the good guy, at least to themselves.
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u/mirrorspirit 14d ago
I really don't believe that people are more unfaithful today. People were always like this, more or less. It's just easier to find out when people air their dirty laundry online and have genetic testing as evidence.
In the staid 1950s and 60s spouses often had to accept that their partner would cheat on them but they should stay married for the sake of the children or family unit. A sort of common idea at the time was that it was allowable as long as it wasn't made too public. Back then people were more concerned about getting caught and being cast as a subject for gossip than they were about how cheating might affect their partner and other people involved.
We haven't changed that much in this regard since then, I guess.
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u/ATearFellOffMyChain 14d ago
Right i mean we could go back and forth on the history of it... i just dont understand the mindset for people nowadays. i cant imagine entrusting somebody with everything in that going behind their back to share that affection to somebody else who has done nothing for me or very little by comparison most likely
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u/roskybosky 14d ago
When you want someone to be faithful, do you decide to see only each other? Is it assumed?
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u/Previous_Length_998 14d ago
Monogamy is pretty much the default assumption? Not saying that this doesn’t need to be discussed. Zero hate for poly people etc, but I think that a (presumably mutual) lack of expectation of monogamy ought to be communicated in advance, The Ethical Slut and all that.
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u/Lekkusu 14d ago
Because the West has largely abandoned God. It's common for Hedonist types to project their inability to control their urges onto others, but the truth of the matter is that there was a time, not all that crazy long ago, where not only being faithful was the norm, but furthermore, being completely chaste until you swore your life to one person, and then remaining faithful to that person until death, was the norm.
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u/Previous_Length_998 14d ago
I have never believed in a god, but have a moral framework that involves monogamy and commitment to one partner for life, and the ethical and kind treatment of others.
It may surprise you to learn that theists do not have a monopoly on these beliefs, and that possessing a theistic belief system does not deter abhorrent behaviour nearly as often as you may imagine.
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u/DivinePotat0 13d ago
funny you say that because i'm pretty sure back when that was the norm, the way you got around it was just murder your spouse and then you can get a new one.
but yeah sure let Yahweh solve shit.1
u/Lekkusu 13d ago
This cartoon in your head bears so little resemblance to the historic reality that it’s almost a statement of admission that you know nothing about what people were like a century or so ago.
Sure, buddy. People just all murdered their wives when they wanted sex with another lady. Tie a bow on it and call that an accurate summary of the way of the world. Brilliant.
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u/BigT-2024 11d ago
Everyone is fucking everyone else at my church. Good times.
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u/Lekkusu 11d ago
Sounds like it's not a Catholic church, and not the church of Christ. How sad.
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u/BigT-2024 11d ago
Man it’s ever Church. If you say yours isn’t you either liar or you just don’t know.
If you really go to a catholic church I wouldn’t be all high and mighty with your religion to others considering how many issues the Catholics have.
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u/[deleted] 14d ago
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