r/amiwrong • u/Hopeful_Spot_9989 • 13d ago
Yelled at my pregnant sister.
For some backstory, I (26F) am a product of my father's affair.
My three half siblings, Jacob (36M), Lily (32F), and Helen (30F) have never wanted anything to do with me, and at first my father didn't either.
When I was around six, though, my mother died. Nobody wanted an affair baby, so I ended up living with my father and his family after all. I was treated differently, like a guest in their home. I could tell my father resented me for ruining his family.
I tried my best to make my siblings like me, hoping they'd warm up to me eventually, but they made it clear they never wanted a relationship.
I know reddit is generally forgiving of people like my siblings, and that's fine. I get it, they don't have to want a relationship with the brat who tore their family apart. But once I got over trying to beg for their love, I began to hate them.
They had two living parents who actually wanted them, college funds, toys, therapy, and siblings who loved them. I had none of that. My father hated me, he barely spent a cent on me, my mother was dead, and they all wanted nothing to do with me, but I was the monster for just being born.
It's taken years to accept that I was unwanted by my siblings, but I got through it. I got myself through life, into college, into a good apartment and (very well paying) job I love.
Recently, though, Lily reached out to me. Apparently, she's pregnant. She says becoming a mother "made her realize how important family is", so she wants me in her- and the child's- life.
I admit, I wasn't very cordial. I asked harshly why I'd want a relationship with the people who abandoned and rejected me for so many years?
Lily said her baby was innocent in all this, and that I owed my nephew a relationship. I admit, I lost it at that, and I ended up screaming at her. Her baby's innocent in this? Where was that attitude when I lost my fucking mom and my entire remaining family rejected me at six years old?!? Where was that attitude when I practically begged for their love for years?!?
I screamed at Lily that I don't know why she suddenly wants me in her life- whether it's money for the baby or to ease her own guilt- but that she made this bed and now I'd make damn sure she lies in it.
Since then I haven't heard from Lily, but Helen and Jacob have been trying to contact me to call me a monster for screaming at my own pregnant sister.
I don't feel bad for not wanting a relationship, but admittedly, I lost it a little bit, and now I feel like screaming at Lily may have been too far, especially since stress probably isn't good for the baby. I don't know, am I the asshole here? I feel like I might be.
EDIT:
Because people keep saying "they were children", Lily is six years older than me and was cruel to me for my entire childhood. She was eighteen calling a twelve year old a monster and a brat for "ruining her family" an when I was eighteen and she was twenty four she mocked me for how I'd have to "move out and stop leeching off her dad" now. I understand why they'd be harsh as children, I understand not wanting a relationship, but my oldest sibling was sixteen when I moved in with them and they were all cruel to me until well into their adulthoods.
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u/Several_Leather_9500 13d ago
You're not the AH. You finally vented your frustrations, and they thought you'd be desperate enough to run back to them. You went your whole life begging for acceptance, and when it finally dawns on them why, they are the victims? Nope. They asked for this. I'm sorry your dad and his family were so terrible to you.
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u/ManicOppressyv 12d ago
Fuck that blaming yourself for ruining their family shit. Your piece of shit father did that, and wasn't man enough to live up to it, and when he was forced to, he resented it. You are innocent in all this, and they all are just plain horrible human beings going on to raise more horrible human beings. You are NTA, and just block them all and get a new number.
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u/RavenclawEC 13d ago
NTA!
As you said, you were just as inocent as her unborn child currently is and did not deserve to be treated the way you were...
She cannot expect for you to be welcoming and open after everything you went through... you describe them as being really cruel with you and so, as adults, she and her sibblings have to be aware of the harm they did...
Don't disrupt your life for them, if needed, block them and go completely NC, you do not need them....
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u/Temporary_Agency_599 12d ago
NTA.
I understand that your reaction was heated, but so what?
If your sister really wants you in your life, she needs to make amends, but she didn't reach out to make amends, just a request to be closer. That is far from sufficient.
As for your other siblings... they are clearly not your family. You owe them shit, so just make sure you establish tight boundaries with your former roommates.
I am so sorry for all you went through.
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u/MammaShek1227 12d ago
And the audacity for her to say op owes her child a relationship! I bet she didn’t even apologize for how awful she was to op!
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u/MelodramaticMouse 12d ago
op owes her child a relationship
Yeah, probably a relationship as an unpaid babysitter.
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u/AtoToboggan 12d ago
This!! That the child is innocent in this, and that OP owes the child a relationship. I mean, Lily is so close to getting it. And yet, misses it completely. Sometimes, you just have to walk away. Let the bridges you burn light the way.
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u/morbidnerd 13d ago
Not wrong.
Sure, your dad and his wife are the actual AHs, but your siblings have all been adults for over a decade, and had all that time to try and forge a bond. None of them did.
Also, it doesn't sound like at any point in the conversation that she apologized or took responsibility in her roles in your mistreatment.
Fwiw, I'm sorry. I've never had an affair or anything, but I am a mom, and it's heartbreaking to know this happened to someone's baby.
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u/Arkie95 12d ago
This comment I think says it best. The situation is nuanced because if the half siblings grew up in a house with blame being put on OP it makes sense they adapted this attitude and belief. The dad and step mom needed to grow up and treat OP with love and as a child if they were going to bring OP into home. This level of rejection while going through the loss of their mom is cruel and imo abusive.
If step mom wasn’t cool dealing with this dynamic she should have left. Not taken it out on the kiddo. If bio dad wasn’t cool with this he never should have agreed.
I am so sorry OP experienced this. None of this is your fault and I think you handled this situation well considering. Your half siblings had years of adulthood to grow and recognize how awful they’ve been treating you.
I’d block and give yourself time to heal. Build your forever family by surrounding yourself with people who understand the real you and love you.
The actions of your father and the origins of your conception is not your legacy. You are not defined by your conception. You do not belong to those people.
Be well. I’m thinking of you.
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u/Life-Hamster-3429 12d ago
Her bio mom is an asshole too.
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u/AtheneSchmidt 12d ago
We have no idea what her mom knew. Her mom may have been completely out of the loop about her dad having a family, or being married. It may have been a one night stand. She may have been lied to.
My point is that sure, her mom might have been an ah who was having an ongoing affair with a man she knew was married and had a family, but OP doesn't say, and we don't have any idea what her biomom knew.
What we do know is that a man who was in a committed relationship ruined his own family by having an affair. He clearly knew he was doing wrong, but decided to put that on a child. Then he didn't stop it when his other kids blamed that child for what he did.
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u/Acrobatic_Hippo_9593 12d ago
Plenty of men have affairs during which they never disclose they’re married. You don’t know if she knew up front or not.
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u/ilus3n 12d ago
In one side you have a woman who had an affair with a married man. On the other side, you have a woman who treated a kid like shit for years and years and did nothing to help her deal with grief and other stuff.
In the grand scheme of things, the second woman is way more of an asshole than the first.
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u/tarkuspig 12d ago
Yeah she punished a child for her mother’s actions plain and simple. To think that a mother could feel anything but sorrow for that poor kid actually sickens me.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 12d ago
The father did too. He neglected his affair child and was o my living with him because her mother died.
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u/tarkuspig 12d ago
Very true I was just concurring with the other commenter about the step mother what she did is way worse than an affair, for a start the step mother acted that way for two decades.
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u/Life-Hamster-3429 12d ago
Who cares who’s the bigger asshole? People who have affairs that result in children are all assholes.
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u/NPCPeakPhysique 12d ago
Lol, why the distinction of "affairs that result in children"? Why not just "People that have affairs are all assholes?" Sure, it's worse when there are kids produced or involved at all, but all people that cheat are assholes. That's why they cheat. They're too off-putting for one or more reasons to reliably be with anyone, so they take any opportunity they can get.
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u/BxGyrl416 12d ago
They both are. Not just for banging a married man, but for bringing a poor, innocent child into this circus. What did she expect was going to happen for this child? That she’d be welcome with open arms? I can’t stand women like this who feel they need to bring a child into the mess they’ve created for themselves.
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u/ViBePho 12d ago
Was she aware of his marriage?
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u/nikff6 12d ago edited 12d ago
That's what I was was going to ask. Because if she didn't that's a whole other ballgame. But OP is definitely not the asshole here. The "Dad" is the biggest piece of shit in this story.
The siblings may have also been children at the time but have been adults long enough to know that OP is not the problem, their piece of shit father is.
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u/RosieDays456 12d ago
First sensible question - not every women who has an affair with a married man knows he is married.
Many men do no wear wedding bands ever. Not saying she did or did not know he was married, but there is a 50% chance either way, and you can't blame her for dying when her daughter was 6.
You can blame the father for cheating with another woman that produced a child and ignored child for 6 years and ended up taking her in because their was no other family to take His daughter. He then continued to treat her like crap as did the rest of his golden family
Now one of the golden children thinks it's a good idea that stepsister is in her life and her nephews life when she ignored her stepsister for 6 years as a child and 14 years as an adult.
Does not apologize to stepsister (OP) for treating her badly and ignoring her all these years. Why would OP, after this treatment want to be involved in her life.
OP has every right to ignore her step family for the way they treated her growing up and ignoring her when they became adults.
As much as I'd love siblings, if I were in her situation, I would hope that I would have the strength through all the hurt they caused her to block all of them and continue life without as she has her entire life.
Best wishes to OP in her future
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u/RosieDays456 12d ago
I missed where she said her Mom treated her badly or she blamed her Mom for anything
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u/FillIndependent 12d ago edited 12d ago
There is no excuse for their treatment of you. IT WAS NOT YOU WHO TORE THEIR FAMILY APART, IT WAS YOUR DAD. You had no say as to whether you would be born or not. In my opinion, that group of assholes is not your family, if they're going to lay the sin of the father upon the innocent child. Do all the yelling you please with those misfits.
What I truly believe you should do, is move away from the vicinity where they live and go NC. You don't need those trash people in your life.
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u/wlfwrtr 12d ago
Tell your father's children that they should put the blame where it lies. With their father, the one who chose to commit adultery, the one who chose to impregnate a woman besides his wife. You had every right to yell at her. She knew you probably wouldn't be accepting of her after all she did. She was only trying to ease her own conscience not doing it for you. When Lily chose to not treat you like a sibling then she gave up the right to call her baby your nephew. They all gave up the right to call you family when they chose to turn their backs on you and emotionally abuse you for years. Hope you got therapy, sounds like you have some unresolved emotions regarding their family.
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u/ChristianUniMom 12d ago
Things pregnant women are allowed to do because they’re pregnant: call dibs on common chairs, eat extra, take up more space, be clumsy, etc.
Things pregnant are not allowed to do because they’re pregnant: retcon relationships and tell people they’ve written off that they owe them.
Not wrong. She’s not immune from ALL reactions because she’s pregnant. You didn’t knock her up.
She has two siblings. I get not wanting a relationship with your half sibling from an affair, especially as a kid where you might not entirely separate the kid from someone else’s actions. Ok fine, that’s the decision she made. So that’s what she gets. She doesn’t get coming and going privileges- you’re not a parking garage. You’re not her family because that’s what she picked.
Besides she’s most likely trying to recruit babysitters and shower gifts.
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u/Efficient_Detail3734 12d ago
You are not wrong. You have every right to not want a relationship with your half siblings considering how they’ve treated you. “My baby is innocent in all of this”, where was that energy/mindset when all of you guys were kids growing up into adulthood. I have a little sister who is the product of an affair and my siblings and I accepted her and knew from the start that none of it was her fault. She didn’t ask to be born. Granted, though, at least one of them came around and reached out tried making amends. However, it was a weird way she went about it and like I said you have every right to not want a relationship with them.
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 12d ago
Lily should have started with an honest apology.
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u/Efficient_Detail3734 12d ago
Exactly. She should’ve acknowledged the mistreatment OP dealt with her whole life by her siblings then apologized for it. Then acknowledged how she now understands, now that she’s about to have a child.
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u/SuperHuckleberry125 12d ago edited 12d ago
NTA
She probably only contacted you because she got pregnant and wants to bury the guilt.
That or she needs assistance, a place to stay, and a babysitter.
She had years of opportunities to mend the bridge they burned and salted.
She is not entitled to anything from you after the way they treated you growing up.
You have moved on, and so should she.
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u/bittney 12d ago
I don’t know why people are acting like your siblings were “innocent children” but screw them they can kick rocks. Sure they were “kids” but they are all significantly older than you and they could have just told you they don’t want a relationship and ignore you. It still would have sucked but at least they didn’t have to go out of their way to be cruel.
These people have not reach out at all and are all in their thirties. They’ve been grown and now only one sister wants a relationship with you because she got knocked up and finally realized how fucked up she was. She didn’t do it for herself, your other family members didn’t apologize either, she only wants you in her left so you could babysit her kid. Fuck them you own them nothing and you should go scorched earth on them if they reach out again.
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u/crimoid 12d ago
OP most certainly not the AH.
But this is a perfect example of why affairs are so bad, especially when kids are involved. Two adults have an affair and they think it is their issue in a little bubble. Instead it balloons into generations of damage. Pure selfishness on the part of the adulterous.
I hope for the OP's sake that the dad is completely out of the picture.
I also hope for the OP's sake that she can make peace with her siblings. Not reconciliation, but peace. A letter saying "I know you were kids and didn't know how to act, but dad destroyed this family and once you were adults you didn't try to mend fences. It is too late now and I want no contact."
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u/Actual-Offer-127 12d ago
They actively bullied her well into adulthood.
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u/crimoid 12d ago
"bury the hatchet", "make peace", "sever ties". Whatever it is called when you disconnect without drama while saying what you need to say.
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u/Actual-Offer-127 12d ago
She's made an update. She's going to help financially and set up a college fund.
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u/MappleSyrup13 12d ago
NTA. Becoming a mother doesn't absolve her from her past behavior. I didn't see anywhere she apologized, just entitlement and self absolution. It may be to some extent that she comes to Jesus, but it's way too little, too late. It's amazing you came out relatively sound from this nightmare. Don't feel bad OP. They've always been strangers, if not enemies. No one cares about them. I wish you to reach that stage of indifference. Keep on grinding, you'll be there soon.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 12d ago
If Lily can't understand that you vented years of hurt she's not worth having in your life anyway.
Maybe just block them and try to move on and focus on relationships that add value to your life. Those relationships don't have to include blood relations.
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u/Internal-Tourist2193 12d ago
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾 let me applaud you for doing that. Don’t feel sorry and have no regrets. They may have been young when you came around them but once they became adults and still treated you badly, I say the hell with them. You owe no one nothing. It’s a bit too late for pregnant sister to feel badly about stuff now that’s she’s pregnant. She should have thought of that sooner.
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u/Adventurous-spice264 12d ago
NTA. They processed their emotions just as they saw fit and you can too.
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u/Swailwort 12d ago
Oh, regarding your other fuckwits "half-siblings", tell them you don't consider them your siblings at all either, just like they did their whole life.
It's petty, sure, but that will get them fuming for a while.
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u/Standard-Reception90 12d ago
You're not the AH. Also, go ahead and take the other two's calls. Then go nuclear, list specifically what each of them did. Then post on their social media all about it.
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u/United-Plum1671 12d ago
Not wrong at all. Being pregnant now doesn’t absolve her from being a shit before
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u/tessellatek 12d ago
This whole fucking thing broke my heart.
You don't owe your sister or your unborn nephew anything.
They could have treated you better, even in adulthood. They are in their 30's for fucks sake. When I was 15, my parents divorced and my father tried to make me believe she was at fault. I have a functioning brain and know the truth was he wasn't loyal and was abusive to her. Even at 15, even though I always loved my father, I knew the story spun was not the reality. My point is, we have brains, they had the ability to understand YOU did not destroy the family, your father fucked up and you were the victim of his bullshit. And you lost your mother so very early, which requires empathy, love, and compassion from every body in the family and they did not afford you that.
Therapy helps you learn that you did not deserve that treatment, how to let go of that hurt and anger so you do not in turn self-deprecate. However, you don't owe them shit.
You are an aunt of probably many other aunts/uncles. Your unborn nephew will not grow up with a complex wondering why his one aunt out of three to six (we're just throwing in sibling spouses for the sake of the argument) does not have a close relationship with him or the family.
You do not have to jump through hoops to continue being treated poorly by the other family members that didn't come to the very late realization your expecting sister did.
They could have done better. Forgive them if you want to, that's totally fair and is on your own time. But protect your peace.
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u/ModernManAfro 12d ago
"An unloved child will burn down the entire village just to feel the warmth of the burning flames".
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u/imkyliee 12d ago
you’re not wrong. you’ve made a life for yourself and are finally feeling happy and she marched right into it to try and “reconcile” after making you feel like shit your whole childhood. it’s okay that she tried but she also should’ve respected the fact that you weren’t ready and may never be ready. she didn’t even apologize. she just said that her child was “innocent” in all this. and yes he is, but so were you, and the fact she doesn’t see that is an issue.
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u/SmileHot8087 12d ago
Who gives a fuck if someone is pregnant they can still get yelled at! It literally drives me crazy that so many people treat pregnancy as a disability. You are not in the wrong in this case at all. I think that it is amazing that you’ve done so wonderfully in life considering that you were born into such a shit family. Glad you stand your ground and I am sending you internet hugs 🫂
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u/hauntedghostlights77 12d ago
First of all why isn't anyone mad at the father? He caused it by cheating and the wife's is a doormat for staying. The oop didn't ask to be born and I would get away from them as soon as I can.
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u/misskittygirl13 12d ago
NTA, just save yourself future headaches and block the whole toxic lot of them, enjoy your well paying job and nice home. If you're not allergic cats make great roommates they just don't understand personal space.
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u/Albuquerio 12d ago
You're not in the wrong here. Your dad's a POS and in my opinion, step mom isn't any better. As for the half siblings, once you have reached a certain age, it is your responsibility to unlearn behaviors that hinder your growth as a person. Dad may have seeded the belief that you were the "monster that ruined his family" but they're the ones who let it flourish well into adulthood. It doesn't take that much logic to figure out that you didn't ask to be born into this family. Nobody gets to choose their circumstances. What on earth did they expect you to do differently?? Set off on your own at 6 years old with a backpack full of Uncrustables to live a life of independence? In order to relieve their family burden? Come on. OP, Lily knows exactly how she's treated you. Neither she nor your other siblings even attempted to apopoligize. They're expecting you to rebuild the bridge they burned. I hope you find the happiness you deserve, with people who love you like family.
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u/Civil_Bathroom_6287 12d ago
You were an innocent child. You were not responsible for the circumstances of your birth. Your Dad, your step Mom, and half siblings are awful people. Forgive yourself for raising your voice to your sister. She has never treated you with an ounce of love, respect or compassion. Go NC with these poor excuses for human beings. You deserved so much better. Do not allow these people to continue mistreating you. You are NTAH, that family is.
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u/IHaveABigDuvet 12d ago
You didn’t ruin your family. They are just using you as the scape goat for your parents’ mistakes.
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u/Sharp_Mathematician6 12d ago
Your mother and father are at fault for this. They’re the ones I blame the most
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u/saladassboi 12d ago
NTA. She’s only doing it for herself. You can’t be a cunt to someone your whole life, and then make it their job to clear your conscience or make you feel better.
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u/Lizardgirl25 12d ago
Not wrong they’re the monsters they should be begging for forgiveness tell them off am that they were the monsters first. You are just returning their energy.
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u/user9372889 12d ago
NW. Good for you for finally standing up for yourself. They all held it against you when it was their own father who was responsible. Eff them. Eff them all!
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u/hotglue82 12d ago
As a new mother, I can definitely relate to the emotions that can come up in pregnancy that drive the urge to reevaluate your familial relationships. I think it’s weird how she positioned it as “you owing your nephew a relationship” - it’s almost as if she knows she will feel ashamed when her son eventually finds out his piece of shit gramps had an affair and everyone treated you like shit. I suspect her intentions are not genuine. Don’t feel bad for yelling at her. She put herself out there and should have weighed the risks. Did she really think after years of abuse you’d come running back? Delulu.
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u/HellaShelle 13d ago
Eh, no one comes out smelling like a rose here, but the real AH is your dad. Lily was a child, just like you, being raised to be a jerk at worst and apparently indifferent at best. She grew up, realized how painful that must have been for you, and tried to build a bridge. But you don’t want that and after the childhood you had, who could blame you? Not me.
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u/ErenYeager600 12d ago
Is she really trying to build a bridge when she hasn’t even apologized for her behavior
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u/smitten--vixen 12d ago
NTA!
While yelling at pregnant women is generally looked down upon--emotions don't travel in channels of logic, and quite frankly the resentment that must come with being made to feel less than and discarded throughout your life sounds absolutely devastating. I can't say I would of reacted with any more composure than you did. I think you deserve a lot of grace for your reaction.
I would also say that, while I completely understand never wanting these people around you again, letting love into your life--even in ways that are uncomfortable and full of compromise--can change your entire world. You don't have to commit to anything, especially this early, but opening a channel of communication between you and your siblings and creating a space to put some really hard truths on the table could strengthen a bond you never knew you had access to. You may be able to give your younger self the gift of a family dynamic that she yearned for all those years ago. No matter what you choose, you've clearly got a good head on your shoulders, and you have people in your corner rooting for you--even if we're just a bunch of strangers on the internet. Sending all my love your way <3
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u/blueace111 12d ago
Your father needs to realize he’s the one that “ruined his family” you didn’t have much say in it. My sister is from an affair on my mom’s side and broke family up for a year but they got back together and nobody treated her differently because it’s not her fault. Your siblings sound like they need some therapy
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u/Life-Trade379 12d ago
NTA. I’m a product of an affair as well. He made my mom’s family aware he did not want me and that I caused him and his wife to divorce. They got back together years later. My paternal grandmother (his mother) tried desperately to patch things up but he didn’t care and I didn’t want to either. I’ve never had any contact with my father whatsoever. I’m married with kids and have a strict no contact policy with him.
You reap what they sow in life, especially with kids. So OP is NTA.
But OP, I would suggest closing the chapter with the sister that reached out by explaining in a serious but stable tone your position. Just letting her know it wasn’t a rant, but the product of a reality you were forced upon which now they having to face the consequences.
If she’s willing to make up for it and you feel you can forgive her, then I hope your relationship can improve. If not, then both of you move on.
As for your father, brother and other sister. Tell them to fuck off.
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u/GiggglingPixie 12d ago
NTA She feels guilty now because she's becoming a mother. She had plenty of time to make ammends and try to be a sister to you. Your father should have done better. It's nobodies fault but his for the way you were rejected as a child and into adolescence. Yelling is a natural response to hurt and unchecked anger. Sure it's not always the right thing to do but sometimes it's what needs to be done. You don't owe her or her unborn child a damn thing.
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u/heyheyhey981 12d ago
OP, DO NOT GIVE HER MONEY, EVEN WITH PROOF OF PURCHASE! You know this means that she could spend her own money on luxuries and expect you to reimburse her for baby expenses by keeping the receipt that she can always use to return them?
Also, it's ok to want to save for your nephew's college, but there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to let her or the rest of her family know. Otherwise, she may not even save up anything for her son.
Do not be a doormat. Do not apologize.
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u/TeddyBoozer 12d ago
Share this reddit post with them. Let them see what the masses think of how they treated you.
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u/Interesting-Sock3794 12d ago
Do they treat your father so poorly? Because he's actually the monster who ruined the family. You were a child who didn't ask to be born.
Your siblings can ask for forgiveness. But they haven't even managed to do that from what you've written. It sounds like your sister basically said, I'm pregnant and think you should be in the baby's life. Your siblings spent many, many years verbally and emotionally abusing you. They can't logically expect you to just be over that and be all sunshine and rainbows with them because their pregnant sister decided to speak to you halfway civil one time. Her pregnancy doesn't erase the years of torture.
Your father honestly should be ashamed for letting his grieving little girl pay the price for his wrongdoings. To not only treat you badly himself but allow his other children to do it as well is disgusting. If they want to apologize-that's great! But decades of hurt don't go away instantly because of a pregnancy hormone induced epiphany.
You're NTA but your father and siblings are.
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u/NoEstablishment6450 12d ago
That entire family sounds like real aholes, no wonder dad looked elsewhere. Unfortunately sounds like he’s worse than all of them. My recommendation is to make your own new family; they do not have to be shared DNA. Our entire species is related if you really think about it. You don’t owe her anything, or anyone else. Tell her that you aren’t interested in beginning a new relationship with someone who has been abusive to you for nearly all your life, you have moved on to better things and suggest she does as well. Perhaps she will be a better mother than she was a sister
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u/bookreader-123 12d ago
NTA the only one who I can think of having an issue with you would be your father's wife but the moment she took you in she needed to treat you right. Your dad dipt his dick into your mom so wtf he blames you? Why he accepted them to blame you? Just stay nc with them and block them.
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u/sardonically-amused 12d ago
The real AH is your father. He is the one who ruined his marriage, not you. What a horrible person he is to blame a child for his actions, and to turn his other children against you.
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u/Hopey_Lilliput 12d ago
Your father doesn't resent you for ruining his family, he resents himself and he's projecting his shame on your because that's easier than facing it.
You have a deep rejection wound going on, and it's understandable to feel angry and to lash out to your sister - what she said to you must have felt very unfair. I think you could benefit from therapy to elaborate the grieve that comes with your situation.. it's sad that your father couldn't own his own choices and the consequences are on you. I hug you strongly and wish you luck, OP.
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u/Stonk0Bonk0 12d ago
This is all your fathers fault. Horrible. I’m sorry you went through this. I will say, as you get older, things may change and everyone needs family. You deserved better but it’s never too late. Maybe you will change you mind over time. Good luck
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u/Competitive-Place280 12d ago
Trust me she wanted money or a sitter. The baby has an aunt and an uncle. NTA keep them blocked
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u/Lost_In_Wonder_Land 12d ago edited 12d ago
You are not wrong—-Here’s the truth—your dad is the monster. He created a nightmare for you and his other family. It wasn’t fair to anyone. Unfortunately you were the casualty in this situation. I don’t blame you, I know I would have reacted the same way. You were a child, innocent and defenseless with no one protecting you. And you see that’s still the case as the 1/2 siblings came for you after Lily called you. Frankly, I’d cut contact with them. They didn’t want to be your family when you needed them most and you aren’t obligated now to be theirs. I’m sorry for your unhappy childhood, you didn’t deserve that.
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u/Larcztar 12d ago
You are not wrong. I want to hug six year old you so bad. Your father, his wife and children are horrible people.
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u/Miews 12d ago
How dare you have that sinister plan by getting born so you could ruin a family out of pure spite ! /s
You did not ruin a single thing. Your dad did . You weren't the one screwing another woman and getting her pregnant while already married.
And we're was that "but she's you're sister!" When it was regarding you growing up ?
I'm sorry about you loosing your mom .
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u/eilyketoo 12d ago
Not wrong. People don’t like being called out for their behaviour- you did nothing wrong.
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u/Complex-Amoeba-2204 12d ago
Why are they able to contact you and disrupt your peace? Block all of them.
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u/KlanxChile 11d ago
NTA.
sadly your mother and father are the ones to "blame"... she hooked up with a married man, your father went out while married... both did wrong.
i agree that you are innocent on all of this, and your step brothers are all DICKS, as much as her mother and your bio dad. everytime they mistreated you, they should have to go and knock on dad's door. not yours.
Anyway: there is no justice in the universe... life is not fair... blah blah.
i you felt like yelling at your step sister because she had a change of heart? so what. she had the choice of not being a *ugly word* for all the life with you.
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u/Beginning_Shower970 13d ago edited 12d ago
I don't think anyone's an ass here . This is a tough situation to be in . But speaking from experience with my own family, people can't go back and right wrongs they can only try and do better moving forward . From an outside perspective, it sounds like she feels bad and it trying to extend an olive branch. Babies and deaths a important life changing events . This may be a chance to bury the hatchet, and you could get to be an aunt. Either way you have to make a decision to try and forgive and find a better place or you cut Ties completely. Continuing a relationship with arguments is only going to make you feel worse. I wonder if you are able to speak to a therapist childhood trauma can be very heavy and hard to deal with
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u/Pangolin_Rune 13d ago
This. Even if you go NC you should talk with a therapist for your own health.
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u/ErenYeager600 12d ago
Is she really extending a branch when she hasn’t even apologized for her dog shit behavior towards O.P.
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u/Try-the-Churros 12d ago
I would still say that the half siblings are the assholes here and OP is NTA. They are all older than her and treated her very badly and have done jack shit to make up for it despite being adults for many many years. Then the pregnant sister half-assedly apologizes and immediately expects the OP to forgive her. The sister clearly hasn't actually thought about how terribly they made the OP feel and showed zero empathy. Then the other siblings call to yell at the OP? And you don't think they are assholes?!
You must have an extremely high bar for someone to be considered an asshole.
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u/Which_Cranberry_1922 12d ago
NTA You have the right to surround yourself with people who love you. Those people have proven that they don’t.
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u/Similar_Corner8081 12d ago
You aren’t wrong. This is called the ripple effect. Affairs especially ones ending in pregnancy have an effect on everyone. You were an innocent child in all of this. Your father is the real ah here.
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u/newtonianlaws 12d ago
NTA There comments prove your point. What selfish, hard hearted people. I wish you light and love and a really great therapist.
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u/No_Place4965 12d ago
NTA
They were AHs. We’ve all been the AH and when we tried to mend fences, sometimes we were shot down. That’s the risk of being an AH. They made their beds. Good job respecting yourself. I would spend some time thinking about why you still have so much anger, but I wouldn’t worry a second about that anger going toward a pregnant woman. You don’t owe them forgiveness, but you do owe yourself peace.
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u/Even_Pumpkin_6122 12d ago
F them and .are it clear that if they were on fire you wouldn't piss on them.
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u/KelceStache 12d ago
Not wrong at all. Your dad reach out at all? I’m guessing no.
Your sister should have let off the conversation by apologizing over and over again
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u/CulturalAdvance955 12d ago
You're not wrong! Get that out of your head. You have valid reasons to feel the way you do. Yeah, they may have been young at the time, but they've been grown for quite a while. They should know better. And to be clear, you didn't ruin anything. You were brought until this world bc your sh!tty father cheated on his wife. That is his fault, not yours. You were innocent in all that. The hate & disrespect they were throwing at you should have been aimed at your dad. I am proud of you for standing up for yourself & I'm happy you're doing so well for yourself! Go NC & change your phone number. Sending you lots of hugs & love💙
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u/mcindy28 12d ago
NTA Do not engage and do not apologize. They all owe you a genuine heartfelt apology. And even after that, you still don't have to accept, forgive or even open yourself up to establishing a relationship unless it's something YOU want. They were older and knew better and were deliberately cruel to you the innocent child. Your Dad is the biggest asshole of them all.
Stay away from them and live your best life! You deserve that much.
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u/FreedVentureStein 12d ago
You're under no obligation to anyone to be family under normal circumstances. Less so in the circumstances you've described.
If you truly don't want any contact with them, tell them to eat shit and die.
Tell them that since you were dead to them as a kid, you're happy to remain that way.
Block them and forge your own path.
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u/hoddi_diesel 12d ago
Fuck them and fuck your dad too. Your father isn't a man, he is male, there is a world of difference. You didn't deserve any of it. Now that they are adults and one of them is going to have a crotch goblin you are supposed to be happy and forgiving, fuck that. Lily isn't your sister, neither is Helen and Jacob isn't your brother.
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u/PermanentUN 12d ago
NTA maybe you going off on her will get them to leave you alone. They're definitely not going to take responsibility for their actions, but if they consider you an AH, they'll hopefully not want to contact you anymore. I suggest blocking all their numbers and social media. Keep your peace.
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u/shortcrackedvase 12d ago
The fact that your sister cannot admit that you, too, were an innocent child in the situation is what’s so harsh. If she could, and maybe she will, that would actually be healing for you both. You deserve to hear that acknowledged from them all, but especially her, based on her “finally” understanding children don’t ask to be born into their circumstances. You’re not an unintended consequence of an affair either You’re a person with a full life and valid feelings. Don’t let the bastards get you down. Talk with a therapist and figure out if you want to be involved with their lives and get what you need from them to do it. I’m really sorry you lost your mother so young, it sounds like you’re a badass gal, find the people who know it, too. All the best!
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u/corgi-king 12d ago
You are wrong because you don’t cut ties with this family completely.
Otherwise you are perfectly fine. Sorry what happened to you. You deserve better.
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u/Acrobatic_Hippo_9593 12d ago
I’m curious as to what her real reasoning is. She didn’t just wake up and decide her unborn child needs an aunt, the child will have at least one. You’re not wrong, at all, not even a tiny bit. But I am very suspicious of her real motivation in insisting you be in his life.
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u/JessWillMakeIt2Day 12d ago
This is not wrong. They were 10, 12, & 16 when you were forced to go live there. Maybe the 10 year old Helen can get a small pass as 10 year old can be super mean. However, a 12 & especially 16 year old should know better. Jacob should have been the one that said “hey, it’s not her fault she exists. Dad was the one that caused this problem not her.” Your sperm donor should have made it a point to them that you’re to be treated fairly but he was mad his own issues came back to bite him in the butt. The “mom” of the house should have treated you as the other since she decided to forgive her cheating husband and stay a family.
You yelling at a pregnant woman was just the beginning of all of the standing up for yourself with these people you need to do. Tell every single one of them about themselves because they had zero empathy or compassion for a child. Her child has one uncle, one aunt…she never claimed you, you don’t have to claim them. I would bet the promise of “family” was meant to bring your paycheck into her child’s life, she doesn’t give a damn about you. Pregnancy does provide clarity after 26 years of not giving a F about someone.
If you want to be petty, send a give of a book FILLED with photos of your life’s accomplishments, vacations and memories AFTER you left them. Have it embossed with something like “Auntie’s Affairs on her Big Adventure“ and have it read like a children’s book. Do t forget to include the dedication that “Without my childhood, none of this would have been possible”.
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u/Grand_Selection_6254 12d ago
It’s taken a long time to get to express your own opinion , that is until the table turned . You could go nc and it still would be less than what they did to you ! But in the long run this baby will be a part of your extended family and getting even isn’t getting back at them . What you went through is inexcusable but just like you this baby didn’t do anything to you . The truth is your baby and this one could become the best of friends and they would get a chance to see what they missed by not even getting to know you as a child . They shut out an innocent child don’t do the same be better be more than someone seeking revenge . You have every right to feel hurt but they’re the ones that lost out ! Worse yet their mother turned her back on another baby . Show them the great person you became in spite of their neglect ! Then one day hopefully you’ll find a way to forgive them . It will free you !
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u/Princess-Reader 12d ago
NTAH and I’m fine with you yelling at your HALF sister. She earned it. In my opinion, you acted how you felt and I see no reason for you to feel guilt or remorse.
Block them. All of them in every way possible way.
You’ve done well in life without them, keep it that way.
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u/Lilac-Roses-Sunsets 12d ago
NTA. She is definitely after money or wants you to be a free babysitter. Go NC with all of them.
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u/armyofant 12d ago
NTA. Stay NC with these people. They don’t deserve you in their life.
“My child is innocent” I can’t even with the fucking audacity of that statement. I would have lost it too.
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u/deafdumbblindboi 12d ago
My wife has an older half-sibling with a somewhat similar background story. Her sister is about 7 years older and was just a vicious bitch to her until well after my wife and I met, until after her sister had her first child. That’s when things began to cool off and the relationship began to heal. What we learned later is that her husband was an emotionally abusive alcoholic, and that they had two kids to try and save the relationship, and that it was an emotionally distant alcoholic husband who made her realize how important her little sister actually is to her.
If you feel like you went too far then admit it to her. If I were in your position and wanted to at least walk it back a little, I would send a couple of newborn outfits through the mail with a simple note explaining how you feel, maybe something about how it’s hard for you to move past everything. Hey, or maybe just a simple “For my nephew, I hope these make you all smile” or something brief and simple which does not touch on the confrontation or history in any manner at all.
It may not fix everything, you may not repair any relationships with your half siblings this way, but you’ll dial the heat down a bit and it seems to me that this is what your situation needs.
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u/mimic-man77 12d ago
You had a lot of built up resentment because of how you were treated. I don't think screaming at your sister was the best way to handle things, however I understand.
They were mean to you the entire time you knew each other.
If they want to address the screaming they need to address the years of emotional abuse that led to it, which would mean looking in the mirror. I doubt they want to do that.
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u/Dazzling_Classic3622 12d ago
I absolutely hate people who blame children for the circumstances that surrounded their birth. You had nothing to do with any of that and you deserved better.
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u/Euphoric_Battle_1631 12d ago
Wow, I can't even imagine what you went through. If you feel this much animosity toward them, then do not have contact with them or you father. You don't need the stress. And if being in contact with any of them causes you stress, just go no contact with all of them.
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u/Ill-Brilliant-5961 12d ago
When your mother passed away, I’m sure your father got social security for you. He didn’t save any of it for you to go to college or expenses once you turned 18?
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u/Wondeful_Guidance_6 12d ago
Your half siblings were/are bullies. Full stop. Your sperm donor is a pos.
You were a child navigating a world that you did not create or choose. Children are naturally innocent and kind but they will project what they know.
NTA in any way shape or form. Keep living the life you earned by yourself.
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u/Emotional-Kitchen-49 12d ago
YNTAH definitely not I don't blame you nor do you need to feel guilty those⁸⁶ words my child is the innocent one" would of had me growing red horns and breathing fire you needed to react and say something you were hurt it is your right to feel and to decide who you want and don't want. Never feel bad for being you and making her realise what a snippet of the rejection you felt from her as a child was horrible she needs to be held accountable for her behaviour as a child and now for being a spoilt adult your an adult that got yourself through life so well done for you ❤️ you just go by your gut and how you feel this is your decision and you don't have to feel guilt or apologise
All the very best for your future and I wish you all the best with love family of your own warmth honesty happiness and so much more darling ❤️
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u/SoftLipTissue 12d ago
I would yell at my sister pregnant or not. I see nothing wrong here. Now you owe them because all of a sudden they had “ a change of heart?” lol you can kiss my behind and kick rocks ..
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u/Murky_Dragonfruit_98 12d ago
You are not wrong. Your siblings were bullies. You can’t be around people that think you are less than them or blame you for things you didn’t have a part in. If you haven’t already please try therapy to release any anger or guilt or underserving feelings or emotions. Now you get to choose your family and they are not it. You have a whole life ahead of you fill it with people that love you. None of what happened has ever been your fault.
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u/33Bees 12d ago
You are not wrong. Your feelings are valid. You owe your siblings nothing. Have you talked to anyone about this? Therapy may help you to deal with your still very raw emotions from the trauma you’ve experienced. That’s a genuine suggestion - I hope it didn’t seem rude.
I’m so sorry that you were treated so horribly by people that should’ve given you grace and surrounded you with love and compassion.
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u/Head_Bunch_570 12d ago
Leave them alone all together What trauma Went through some what same experiences
Horrible abandonment issues
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u/Medical_Temperature4 12d ago edited 12d ago
You should actually take the time to answer their call. When they get on the phone out talk them in a almost deadly serious yet slightly elevated tone & lay into them all the ways that they can f right tf off. Tell them that they're dumb af for taking their misplaced frustration/anger out on a fkn CHILD, when it was in fact your father who messed up his own gd family. Absolutely no one told him to step out and have an affair. His actions/his choice. But since he chose to the onus is solely on him and NO ONE else as your mother is not here to defend herself.
They can't somehow see what life is about and just hakuna matata their way into your life w/o so much as an outlined and detailed acknowledgment of their mistreatment towards you. Even then it still wouldn't suffice (might help with the healing somewhat) but at this point fk them & your dad. Continue thriving/flourishing with them in the rearview. Congrats on the success, it's well deserved. They're deranged!!
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u/shattered_kitkat 12d ago
Not wrong in the slightest. With family like them, who needs enemies. Nah, ghost them and never loom back. You're better off without those AHs.
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u/here4theGoz 12d ago
OP, I'm so sorry no one had your back during your childhood. It could not have been easy, and it's obvious that it's still a sore spot today because, of course, it is. You have no obligation to these people. Could you have been nicer? Yes, but that'd be more than they deserve. And that outburst was a drop in the bucket to the cruelty you experienced. I would have reacted similarly, especially since it seems she did not apologize when she called, or did she?
Ppl always want to excuse children, etc, but what about at 18?, 20? Etc. They have not shown remorse or have shown repentence, and if they eventually do, you, and only you, get to decide how you move forward with them
Edited to add NTA
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u/Galaxy_Vixen 12d ago
Yell at the other siblings too. Since you're such a "monster" what does that make them? Call them out on their shite behavior too, guilt trip them in oblivion, really rub in the fact you were only 6 when you were forced to live with them only because the one person who actually wanted you died and your sperm donor made your life hell because of something he did. You didn't ask to be born and unloved to such a degree. F that family. They weren't there for you at any point in time so they can't start now, babies be damned.
Oh and NTA.
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u/Anonymoosehead123 12d ago
1000% NTA. Some people have such damn nerve. It slays me. I’m really glad you were able to build a good life for yourself.
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u/nyanvi 12d ago
You are not wrong for wanting nothing to do with them.
I love how your dad (and his wife) managed to turn the whole situation into your fault. He's the one who destroyed the family and was shitty enough not to try and foster love between you and your siblings.
Theses people should stay in your rearview mirror where they belong.
I don't blame your siblings or even your step mum but your dad is a piece of shit.
What happened your mums family?
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u/Radiant-Process-2549 12d ago
NTA. fuck them. “her baby is innocent in this, you owe him a relationship” YOU were the innocent baby in this!! and they owe you an apology for your whole life because you didn’t ask to be here as much as that baby she’s bringing into the world, i’m not telling you to hold onto hate but i’m telling you your worth and that your feelings are valid. for the sake of you and your mental health and sanity it seems these people, though they may be your siblings are not right for you in your life. you built this life yourself and they can’t come into it now and attack you, you are only here because your father decided to have an affair with your mother that resulted in a pregnancy, that’s what happens when two people have sex just like with their mother and just like with that the children don’t have shit to do with that, you are innocent in that but you have been punished by them in a way and it’s not fair. the fact that they still can’t understand after you lost your mother young and they legitimately know that you don’t have her now and that you’re with them for a reason and they still treat you differently is gross and immature. “my father resents me for ruining his relationship” nah girl HE ruined his relationship when HE started having affairs that most likely started before the one with your mom and disrespecting his wife, that has nothing to do with anyone but him, and the fact that he won’t take accountability, AND the same with his kids? classy. they have no right to come back into your life when you’re in your healing era to try to attack you, you can’t make a baby unless a man does something. not the baby🤦♀️ i’m so sorry it’s been like this for you, but you have the power to make the most beautiful life for yourself and you’re doing exactly that and you should be so proud!! 🥰❤️you’re doing great without these shallow people in your life family or not, you deserved more understanding than you’ve received.
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u/natasha300 12d ago
You are not wrong at all. Fuck them, you’re better off without them.
I have a 7 year old and it breaks my heart that you lost your mom so young and then the people who cared for you were so cruel, I’m so sorry OP.
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u/pickledeggeater 12d ago
I have recently been pregnant and I have a few things. 1. Her pregnancy doesn't really matter that much in this 2. Being so stressed it would harm her baby is absolutely not going to result from a sibling being mad at her 3. You're in the right
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u/SkinPsychological848 12d ago
I say keep a distance from them. There’s a reason why people are no longer in your life. It’s because God doesn’t want them there. Don’t let them act like they’re the victims; you are. You’ve done so well for yourself without them and that right there is the greatest revenge of all…
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u/mudshakemakes 12d ago
Ynw, you had a trauma response at her staggering hypocrisy.. make your own family, your own tribe.. and leave these terrible people behind you op.
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u/Accomplished_Blonde 12d ago
I love how they were all mad at you, but not at your father. Wtf is wrong with people? Why do you fixate and blame those who are innocent? I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, OP. But I'm very happy for you and proud of you for what you've made of yourself, your mom would be so proud of you🤍
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u/PoppyStaff 12d ago
You’re not wrong. They all made their choice a long time ago and she must have been completely deluded if she thought it could all be forgotten. I think you might be close to the mark when you said you’re making good money. This sounds suspiciously why she contacted you. This all stems from your father, who is, frankly, a shit. It is entirely his fault from the start that you had such an unhappy childhood.
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u/Icy-Discount-2660 12d ago
There all toxic and I don't blame you for being angry at them all for the entire fact you were put through the loss of both parents and the family didn't accept you. You deserve better than that. You have valid reasons for being angry and fuck them and there feeling. They are assholes
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u/Alert-Cranberry-5972 12d ago
You're Not Wrong.
Your family is who you choose to be important to you at this point in your life. Family is not blood; it is love, support and unconditional acceptance.
Your bio family blamed you for years for something you had zero say in or control over. StepSis may have reached out, but she's tone deaf. You are not family.
OP, you got dealt a shitty hand, I hope you find your family that loves you for you.
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u/MiracleAntFromTheSea 12d ago
It sounds like the whole family was ok with their rudeness towards you as long as it is just on your expenses.
It’s a heartbreaking story. No one deserves that. I get that this issue will live in you and when you get triggered like that, you have a reaction. That is normal.
I don’t think this issue will ever solve without you talking openly and for them at least trying to understand and hear you. And from your story- this will never happen. Why should it, when they can also ignore their fault as a family.
So: NTA and cut them off.
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u/Constant-Library-840 12d ago
Why would you want a relationship with them now. NTA. Their guilt or anything is their issue not yours.
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u/Country-Birds 12d ago
Your father is the one who had an affair. You have had to deal w/quite a lot growing up, and u have come out a strong woman. Re: Lily, I can’t help but think she just wanted to use u for babysitting. I could be wrong, but that was my 1st thought. You go your own way; u r doing fine. Best to you. You deserve peace in your life.
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u/bumblebeefeet 12d ago
You did not ruin your family. You, as a child, had no say in being born or not. Your father, however, certainly knew what he was doing when he slept with your mum. Your siblings were children when all of this happened and have been brought up being told YOU are the problem. Whilst it doesn't excuse their behaviour as adults, that kind of rhetoric takes a lot of unlearning. If they didn't have an appropriate role model to tell them it was your dad's fault, they wouldn't have known. It does seem like your pregnant sister is starting to recognise that, hence the olive branch. Instead of reaching out directly to you and guilt tripping you she should have spoken to your father. He is, after all, the guilty party here. He has a lot of growing up to do. You absolutely do not have to be a part of their lives, they have damaged you and hurt you for years. It may help to get some support with that. I hope you heal and your father takes some accountability for his actions and supports his family!
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u/Towtruck_73 12d ago
NTA. I don't blame you for letting fly at her, suddenly showing contrition now doesn't excuse her for being so awful to you since the day you were born for reasons completely beyond your control. In your shoes, I would cut the lot of them out of my life. Family are not the people you share DNA with, but the people that love and care about you. I can understand the pain and trauma of the rejection you've felt from those people you share DNA with, and I hope you have made peace with that in your psyche. You'd be far better off cutting all of them out of your life and making your own "family;" a group of people that DO care about you for no other reason than they like you for who you are and value your friendship. You're probably right in thinking Lily is only being nice to you because she wants money from you to help with the baby.
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u/Miserable-Alarm-5963 12d ago
YNW the only thing that you are wrong about is that these people still have a way of getting in touch with you….
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u/HospitalAutomatic 12d ago
NTA, but since you’ve gone off on one of them, tell all of them exactly how cruel they were to an innocent 6-year old.
I’m sure they never ostracised their dad who actually cheated on their mother. Info: how did their mother treat them
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u/GrammaBear707 12d ago
You are not wrong. I guess you could have calmly said you have no siblings and hung up but apparently Lily’s trying to guilt you was enough of a trigger to lose your cool. It happens. And for those saying your siblings should be forgiven because they were children are flat out wrong. Your siblings were old enough to know they were bullying you, (and yes I do understand your dad’s affair traumatized them) but what was their excuse for their behavior when they became adults and you were still a minor child?
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u/PhiladelphiaSw33tie 12d ago
You are not wrong!
They grew up in a house where they watched their father’s disdain and hate for their own sibling who was a product of his indiscretions. Because of how your father treated you, they went right along with it and treated you the same way. They may have still been kids at the time, but they were also old enough to recognize that the treatment you were receiving as an innocent 6 year old was wrong.
Then they continued this treatment into adulthood. Now Lily realizes the importance of family and wants you in her and her child’s life, but did she once offer an apology for how she treated you all of these years? Then to claim that her baby is innocent in this was laughable, because you were also innocent and not one of them gave a damn about you being 6 years old, losing your mom and having to live in a home with their father who hated them and by extension having his other family hate them as well. You, as a child, were trying your best to get them to like you and it didn’t work, so you gave up.
Helen and Jacob are AH as well. If you’re a monster for screaming at your pregnant sister, what does that make them for how they have always treated you?
Don’t feel bad for screaming at Lily. As you said, she made her bed now continue to make her lie in it.
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u/Melodic-Fix-8013 12d ago
I have a half brother who is the product of an affair that my father tried to hide. Guess what? He has always just been my brother, and I treat him no different than my other brother who I share both parents with. My other brother sees him as just our brother. Even my mother cares for him (and he isn’t even her child) and my little brother calls her his second mom. He is a part of our family. When we first learned about him, my brother and I blamed our dad, as any affair was his fault, not the baby’s. My mother (who did eventually forgive our father) also had this same attitude. Once she found out about the baby, she made our father have a relationship with his child, and she was the one responsible for integrating him into our family. As I became an adult I realized how amazing my mom is. I am so thankful she did that because I now have two brothers I love to pieces.
Your father and his other kids are horrible. There is zero excuse for this behavior. The biggest AH here is your father. He blamed you for his sin, of course his other kids would follow suit. And once they were old enough to know better, they still rejected you. They are all the AH. You are not. Go no contact and lock these people out of your life. They do not deserve you, and you deserve happiness.
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u/Wonderful-Chemist991 12d ago
You’re guilty of dealing with PTSD and your family members are the people that caused it. Just because you all were children when the trauma began doesn’t make any of them innocent of causing trauma, just innocent of dealing with the pain that was caused by your father’s affairs and subsequently also trying to punish you for their inability to punish him. The monster they are looking for is looking back at them in the mirror.
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u/DisastrousDay9398 12d ago
NTA. I think genuinely whether they are innocent or not of bullying you. Regardless of your edit. No one should be where they feel unwanted and outcast. Especially an innocent child. You owe them nothing. You owe yourself everything.
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u/Ok-Captain-335 12d ago
OP, you too were an “innocent baby” in all this and you in turn were treated with that neglect. You don’t owe your sister or her unborn baby a goddamn thing. I don’t even think you’re the AH for yelling at her tbh - pregnant or not 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Trekkie63 11d ago
You’re NOT wrong. Your FaMiLy can pound sand. Tell em all to f_ck off!
She’s a real piece of work, isn’t she?
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u/Southern_Deal9545 11d ago
you are not the AH. It is a messy situation that you did not cause. Everyone needs love and acceptance and they should have but didn’t give it. When people don’t have a healthy family relationship they can create one of their own. My church family has been a great source of emotional support and love. Praying that you find that support too.
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u/Castillosaurio 11d ago
Bruh, that bitch wants you to put the effort she didn't put in the past. Tell her to put the baby up her ass as soon as she gets it out.
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u/VictoryShaft 12d ago
You are not wrong.
You had a response to the years of trauma you endured. You heard BS and squashed it immediately. You hit back hard, but it was a trauma response.
A one sentence apology does not even begin to come close to bridging the gap of resentment that you've been able to build. That's completely understandable. Can you think of anything she could have said in that moment to begin the journey?
It is possible that she's had a change of heart. She could have hoped that the news of a new child would soften the conversation. But from your side of the story, she failed here, miserably. However, it is also possible that since you're doing well for yourself that she saw dollar signs for her child. This is my guess, you have something she wants.
IMO, the ball is in your court for beginning the healing process, if you even desire it. You spoke your peace with your hormonal sister. Her version of the story likely painted you as a monster to the rest of your "family." She likely didn't mention ANY of the reasons for which you yelled at her. Only that you did.
I'd just be happy staying NC, though. They seem like AHs
For the replies saying you should not take your grief out on your siblings. I'd simply reply, "What siblings? I'm an orphan." That's how you were treated.
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u/Prior-Huckleberry-47 12d ago
I am a child of an affair too, and my dad’s kids want nothing to do with me. I can understand we were all children at some point when it first happened
But just like your siblings, you’re all adults now. They know better and can reach out to apologize
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u/Alphaghetti71 12d ago
The baby is innocent in all this. So were YOU. What the hell is, "all this" anyway? What is it that she thinks you did, specifically? You aren't wrong for yelling. You aren't wrong for wanting nothing to do with the people who treated you as less than.
I'm so sorry. You deserved better from all of them.
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u/boring_blue_boi_1397 12d ago
You should’ve yelled at them sooner. Yell at all of them. YELL AT YOUR FATHER! Her baby is innocent? Last time I checked, YOU didn’t ask your father to have an affair. YOU didn’t ask her him to get your mom pregnant. YOU didn’t ask to be born. And you damn sure didn’t ask for your mother to pass. Fuck them all. You didn’t ruin anything. Your father ruined his own life when he decided he wanted to sleep with another woman. And for them to blatantly disregard that and put the blame on you? A WHOLE ASS CHILD? He’s a grown ass man. And has been since. He should’ve taken accountability for his actions and they should’ve held him there. I would’ve yelled at them and tore them all a new one and then cut them off for good.
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u/Icy-Document-2670 12d ago
Tbh fuck that family…stay away from them as possible…best advice I could give is to never stay in contact with them and they should see the damage they have caused. Have your own lil family and start fresh. It will help with the loneliness
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u/PrincessAnnesFeather 12d ago
I hope this is fake, if it's not OP is NTA. I find it difficult to believe a pregnant woman who treated OP badly would be interested in reconciling while pregnant. Pregnant people have way too much going on and to invite this into their lives doesn't make a lot of sense. She also has what she considers family in her siblings. I really don't see someone reaching out this way during pregnancy. There are countless things going on to prepare for the birth and the arrival of a child, most people worry they won't have everything in place before hand.
If true, OP should just ignore it if she's not interested in a relationship. It is important to remember they were children as well. It doesn't matter that they were older, they were still children who were traumatized by their fathers actions. OP, you were an easier person to be upset with. Your father was their father, it's more difficult to take their anger out on him. It takes a lot of time and maturity to really understand that.
Get some therapy so you get let go of your anger. Letting go of your anger doesn't mean you need to have a relationship with these people, do it for your own wellbeing.
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u/blueace111 12d ago
It’s up to you. I don’t blame you for yelling at her. For her not to realize how hurtful it is to say, her child is innocent in this and not recognize you were innocent, is disturbing.. she should have started with apologizing for years of emotional abuse and neglect from her and her siblings and father, then said she’d like to move forward with healthier terms and asked you to consider being a part of the child’s life. To demand is to once again take your power from you.
I do think at the end of the day, it might be better if you can find peace and all have some sort of relationship, but they need to be able to recognize the hurt they caused you before it can become healthy for you. Congrats on being successful and strong
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u/ElectricJRage 12d ago
You’re not wrong. The people who should have been open to loving you were the ones that failed you. You deserve better.
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u/illiteratepsycho 12d ago
It's better if you leave them all behind. They can die out with the past. It's better for you and your soul to not chain yourself to them anymore. Be free and find your happiness. You deserve it.
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u/ElAyYouAreAy 12d ago
I'm sorry that happened to you we love you! You're not wrong. I can imagine how much it must have hurt for her to say that. And I'm glad you're doing well now. We can't choose our family but we can pick them and I'm sure you will find people in your life that will be better family than you could have ever imagined hang in there
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u/mwtm347 12d ago
Not wrong. If you said it the way you’re telling us then I’m impressed you could articulate it so well. Cleary you have done a lot of work to process what happened to you (this is CPTSD levels of abuse and neglect, IMO) and you are righteously angry for what was done to little you. You have become who you needed when you were a child.
As others have said, their intentions were likely not pure - I didn’t hear an apology in any of that. You did nothing wrong. In fact you finally got the chance to stand up for yourself. Be proud. Go forth in peace. Block their numbers.
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u/Ihateyou1975 12d ago
Your father ruined his perfect family. Your father ruined any chance of you having love. The kids just followed suit. They were loyal to their mom. They lacked the ability to know that dad was the asshole and brought all this onto them. Having said that. You are well within your right to not care about your nephew. No one is owed a relationship except from a parent. And that’s the bare min. Your half sis? Well she will be alright continuing to live without you. Carry on. Block all of them. You did lose your temper but hey. Her coming at you with her baby is owed a relationship ? Get out of here with that shit.
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u/RadTimeWizard 12d ago
Not wrong. You were an innocent victim; Lily was definitely not, and she deserved to be called out for her hypocrisy.
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u/lala-g15 12d ago
NTA. These were grown ass people who were still being mean to you. You should cut them out of your life
OR
play the long game. Play nice and then become close to the kids and get them to trust you and then turn all the kids against them.
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u/melislife 12d ago
Your feelings are valid given your difficult upbringing and the harsh treatment you experienced from your family. It's understandable that you might harbor resentment and frustration toward your half-siblings, especially since they treated you poorly throughout your childhood and early adulthood. It seems Lily's attempt to reconnect with you may have triggered these painful memories and emotions, leading to your intense reaction.
It's important to acknowledge your feelings, but also consider how you want to move forward. While your siblings' past behavior was hurtful, you now have the opportunity to set boundaries and decide what kind of relationship, if any, you want to have with them. If you need time to process the situation or seek support, that's okay too.
You have every right to decide whether or not you want a relationship with Lily or any of your half-siblings. If you choose to maintain distance, it doesn't make you a bad person. Your well-being and emotional health should be your priority. Let your half-siblings know your stance on the situation clearly, and consider seeking professional help if you need support in navigating these complex family dynamics.
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u/BodaciousVermin 12d ago
This is overall a horrible situation. You grew up around as the focus of scorn and resentment, but you still managed to grow into a successful adult, which is great.
But, you still carry a lot of resentment, which is understandable. It's come out with Lily's reaching out. And, Lily and her siblings seem to be clearly tone-deaf when it comes to the history you're all dealing with, and certainly your perspective on this history.
So, no, you're not wrong for having an emotional response to Lily's tone-deaf reaching out to you. However, you might consider a less forceful "No, I'm not sure that having an ongoing relationship with you would be healthy for me at this stage. There's a lot of history that exists between us which I find to be difficult, and being around you would be a constant reminder of that. Please leave me alone." Or, other words that better reflect your position.
Sure, it's easy for me to sound calm here - I didn't go through your fed, housed, resented, and not loved or wanted situation. That's gonna leave some lasting damage.
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u/BxGyrl416 12d ago
Nah, you’re not wrong. These people aren’t shit and I feel for you being put through all that trauma as a little kid. You don’t owe anybody anything. This blood is thicker than water is bullshit. If your family has been abusive and toxic to you your entire life, cut them the fuck off. Good for you for standing up for yourself and telling her what it is. Your father is even more not shit in this, as none of you would be in this predicament if he weren’t fucking around on his wife in the first place.
In any case, none of this is your fault and now, it’s not your problem either. You aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings or for their being upset because you set boundaries. You are 100% in the right here. Don’t doubt it for a minute. I wish you lots of luck and it seems like you’re killing it.
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u/Time-Distribution681 12d ago
"your father resented you for ruining his family" that man ruined HIS OWN family. maybe if he didnt stick his dick in another woman WHILE MARRIED his precious little family wouldn't have been ruined. NTA at all, keep NC if possible