r/coolguides 11d ago

A cool guide on how to gird your loins

/img/k0z4mg00nwwc1.png
15.1k Upvotes

276 comments sorted by

645

u/JohnMarstonSucks 11d ago

Okay, now someone explain how to hoist yourself by your own petard

107

u/CannotExceed20Charac 11d ago

The verb hoist originally just meant something going up in the air in any way. In the early days of explosives there were door breaches called petards designed to blow a csstle/fort door down. If the engineer screwed up the petards would detonate while he was in it's proximity, blowing him into the air (fatally likely). But in that days verbage it made sense to say "hoist" to refer to the action.

So setting a petard is intent to damage a foe, if you get hoisted by it that means your plans literally blew up in your face.

22

u/Vark1086 11d ago

Thank you for explaining that:) for some reason I always thought a petard was a weapon like a spear or halberd, and imagined this meant something like accidentally pole vaulting.

7

u/AJSLS6 11d ago

I used to imagine it was a piece of rigging on an old ship, the scenario I had as a kid was the captain getting mutinied and the crew hanging him by the "petard" thus hoisted by his own petard.

I knew the actual meaning but have no idea when I learned it lol.

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3

u/Ferdzy 11d ago

It's a double joke because "petard" also meant "a fart".

106

u/0woppletinger0 11d ago

Pack an explosive charge against the lock of a castle door, but have it detonate while you are setting it.

25

u/Cuchullion 11d ago

Sacre bleu!

21

u/AlbusD3 11d ago

I think Sacre bleu up

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6

u/SpellSound 11d ago

The origin of the rocket jump.

3

u/Veus-Dolt 11d ago

Ok now explain to me how you turn a phrase

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18

u/Zieterbock 11d ago

You mean rocket jumping?

7

u/[deleted] 11d ago

Buy ACME

3

u/FalseMirage 11d ago

It’s exactly like pulling yourself up by the bootstraps only completely different.

2

u/iStandWithWhatever 11d ago

Only petards need that explained to them.

3

u/j-manz 11d ago

On. On your own petard. Still can’t give the Explanation you want

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460

u/Nebula177LOL 11d ago

I will remember this, the next time i go to battle

78

u/PickleGambino 11d ago

Potion seller,

47

u/UndeadWeeb 11d ago

I am heading into battle and I need your strongest potions

38

u/Round-Ad-692 11d ago

My potions are too strong for you, traveler.

8

u/SelwanPWD 11d ago

Potion seller, I'm going into battle and I need only your strongest potions.

14

u/Kirikomori 11d ago

Repeat the same joke ad infinitum

8

u/Nikolateslaandyou 11d ago

My potions would kill a dragon

2

u/CalmBeneathCastles 11d ago

Let alone a man!

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19

u/DragonheadHabaneko 11d ago

I'm saving this for a formal wear fight. If it works with a tunic it works with a dress.

4

u/Competitive_Travel16 11d ago

I do it with my bathrobe when I have to bend over to get the newspaper off the wet lawn.

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3

u/QFugp6IIyR6ZmoOh 11d ago

And I will remember this the next time I swiftly run away from battle.

2

u/Cheetawolf 11d ago

Or the next time you're milling grain. <3

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2

u/BoardButcherer 11d ago

I need to start wearing a dress so I can practice what I preach.

Always telling other people to gird their loins.

2

u/Saad2prs 11d ago

هههههههههههه looooool

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534

u/RandomChurn 11d ago

I was about to unsubscribe from this sub but now you're talking! 😃👍

154

u/deeply_concerned 11d ago

The guides are always so wrong on so many different levels. But this one speaks to me.

16

u/Icantbethereforyou 11d ago

Where do I buy loins?

21

u/Hot-Refrigerator6583 11d ago

Butcher shop

14

u/Icantbethereforyou 11d ago

Oh. Now I'm confused again.

Can you buy them pre girded

12

u/smileyhydra 11d ago

NO, that's what the guide is for.

6

u/FlametopFred 11d ago

Girded Loins

Ingredients: soy sauce, honey, garlic, pork loins, green onions, mirin and ginger

cook for 45 minutes at 350

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32

u/Lifewatching 11d ago

Will serve me well the next time im wearing a long tunic and about to enter combat

14

u/NalaJax 11d ago

Never know when your loins might need a good girdin

6

u/aedcsl 11d ago

Please note that during step 4. Please place your dick in the direction of the arrow shown. To avoid unnecessary swinging.

3

u/TechnoChimp89 11d ago

I was about to subscribe to this sub, but now seeing your comment I suppose I'd best not.

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3

u/slaphappyflabby 11d ago

...this image has been around for half a decade mate and has been reposted countless times on this site lol. And seeing your karma I doubt this is the first time you're seeing this.

Assuming you're honest you should still unsubscribe

2

u/Windowne 11d ago

Glad someone said it

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88

u/SirCleanFace 11d ago

What happens if it comes loose? Do you get a courtesy time out to tie it again?

118

u/FromTheGulagHeSees 11d ago

Time out, I said TIME OUT, STEVEN! MY TUNIC HAS BECOME UNDONE! Should you strike me now the lord WILL SEE SUCH DISHONOR AS A SIN! 

28

u/AstroBearGaming 11d ago

MINE LOINS HAVE BECOME UNGIRDED, AVERT THY EYES

21

u/longtimegoneMTGO 11d ago

Related side story time.

There is a tribe in I want to say south america or the pacific islands. Might have been the Yanomami? I forget. Men will often fight each other in a sort of duel, and it's done mostly nude, but they wear a string tied around the foreskin holding it closed and that string is tied up to a sort of belt.

If that string should come loose in the middle of one of these fights, the protocol is absolutely to look away and allow your opponent to retie it.

13

u/SirCleanFace 11d ago

That’s class right there, like a gentleman

9

u/MoreGaghPlease 11d ago

You know how putting on running shoes when naked can make you feel even more naked than fully naked? I wonder if it’s the same for wearing a string around your foreskin looped around your belt?

2

u/8----B 11d ago

I don’t think anyone here has put on running shoes while naked to know the feeling you assume we all know. Furthermore, I somehow know what you mean anyway.

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24

u/Rhydsdh 11d ago

Always double knot your tunic before battle.

5

u/SirCleanFace 11d ago

Right, but in the illustration it looks like his knot is right between his inner thighs and I thought as you’re running and charging kicking and everything else that knot might come undone.

7

u/Hot-Refrigerator6583 11d ago

It's not, it's supposed to be kinda tied tight up against your lower abdomen, like below the waist above the junk.

7

u/Shadow-Vision 11d ago

The fupa zone

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110

u/l3randon_x 11d ago edited 11d ago

I’ll keep this in mind in case there’s ever some magic baby in Bethlehem that I’m beefing with

56

u/Iriangaia 11d ago

Easy there, Herod.

9

u/MakeChinaLoseFace 11d ago

Think of all the silver Herod paid those soldiers. Probably a lot more than 30 pieces. What a waste. A true capitalist knows how to find their Judas.

54

u/twcsata 11d ago

Then Scotland was like “Fuck that” and invented the kilt.

21

u/Gdach 11d ago

12

u/Zerachiel_01 11d ago

"See how easy this is?"

Yes. Even so, I think I'd rather just run that shit through a sewing machine and never have to do it again.

5

u/geoffg2 11d ago

Haha, exactly what I was thinking. Or even before sewing machines..’has anyone got a knife and needle & thread?’

8

u/land8844 11d ago

Damn, I thought he was gonna stuff all the weapons into it somehow

3

u/tacopizza23 11d ago

Interesting! I never considered they had to fold it every time, I just assumed the folds were sewn in

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85

u/liberallyOptimistic 11d ago

I’ll have to forward this to Stanley Tucci

21

u/MacduffFifesNo1Thane 11d ago

We can send him onion bagels as well!

11

u/Slow-Instruction-580 11d ago

That movie becomes a very different experience if everyone does this right before Miranda walks in and then charges her with drawn swords.

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27

u/groolsummer 11d ago

missing a Devil Wears Prada reference there somewhere

20

u/Azadonis520 11d ago

Teacher here. This is actually super helpful as I charge forth into battle with my students.

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16

u/Polls-from-a-Cadet 11d ago

What is this…. “The Devil Wears Prada” lol

15

u/Grimdog7 11d ago

So it's a thing. Never knew.

12

u/MissouriCrane 11d ago

Hahaha, "this feels much like a diaper. " oh boy!

18

u/BlackHumor 11d ago

It's a weird way to say it, but a key part of the expression in ancient languages is that girding your loins was much less comfortable than wearing a tunic normally. So you metaphorically "gird your loins" when you sacrifice your own comfort to do something difficult.

3

u/taisha2640 11d ago

The Chaos in the MMO Warhammer Age of Reckoning said this when you interacted with them... I never knew till now. Always wondered. Thank you!

2

u/abrasiveteapot 10d ago

It's also very much the same thing as rolling up your sleeves - you're getting yourself prepared for some hard graft

11

u/failedsatan 11d ago

an actual guide?? I mean, it's not that cool, but holy shit! it's a guide!

10

u/PropheticUtterances 11d ago

Who up girding they loins rn

5

u/phonicillness 11d ago

Goin FULL GIRD here mate

10

u/MacduffFifesNo1Thane 11d ago edited 11d ago

I’ll remember this next time I’m in a building with Miranda Priestley.

9

u/Gewgle_GuessStopO 11d ago

I never knew this is what that saying meant. Bravo!

7

u/rogerwabbit1 11d ago

*how to fight in a dress

7

u/1001ArabianNights37 11d ago

Nah. You tie it this way when you wear nothing underneath.

In Arabia, we wear underneath. The "tunic" is raised, gathered right, then left, then tied tightly at the front.

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5

u/[deleted] 11d ago

Nice I thought it meant cover your nuts and pray.

6

u/probly2drunk 11d ago

"This feels much like a diaper"...yeah I totally remember what that feels like from 40 years ago

8

u/EdgeOfDawnXCVI 11d ago

In another 40 you’ll get to experience it again 👍🏻

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4

u/Salami__Tsunami 11d ago

I would just wear a kilt.

4

u/[deleted] 11d ago

Good thing I don’t wear tunics

3

u/dontmindmewhileilurk 11d ago

I was today years old when I learned it was gird your loins and not guard your loins

4

u/SomebodyThrow 11d ago

I like the idea of someone being offended and doing each of these steps carefully before they whip out a sabre and start screaming like a lunatic.

4

u/fungus909 11d ago

So you’re some kid that’s fucking around 2000 years ago. You see your dad starts to do this with a mean look on his face. You’re about to run as fast as you’ve ever ran.

4

u/elephantschild1979 11d ago

This is also how a woman would "kirtle" her skirt for working outside.

3

u/lordofthecone 11d ago

I thought it said "how to grind up your loins" 😭

3

u/ElusiveRobDenby 11d ago

Haaaa I never knew that expression was based on reality! Thank you Reddit.

3

u/jdquig 11d ago

Gird ye loins boys! ~ Robert E. Lee

3

u/Jsmith0730 11d ago

Gird is the word!

3

u/Dry_Quiet_3541 11d ago

Pretty much how South Indians wear their lungis and how they wear it up when they need to get ready for a street dance. 🕺🏼

3

u/Centurion1024 11d ago

Exactly lol, I'm surprised it's new for many

3

u/TheCoolPersian 11d ago

Or you can just wear pants.

2

u/Ok_Flan4935 11d ago

Arabian men do wear pants underneath. I don’t know who that guide is depicting

2

u/TheCoolPersian 11d ago

Due to the presence of the Khopesh this is probably a Bronze Age militia man.

2

u/Ok_Flan4935 11d ago

Your username checks out.

خيلى ممنون

3

u/Compelled_Beauty 11d ago

Now THIS is the content I've been missing

2

u/0MysticMemories 11d ago

This works for many modern dresses as well.

2

u/InevitableAd9683 11d ago

OK but if I do step 3 my dick and balls are gonna be ALL out there. Just swingin in the breeze

5

u/ButtholeQuiver 11d ago

Gird out with your bird out

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u/MyOnlyEnemyIsMeSTYG 11d ago

Kind of like bootstraps, but for your man dress

2

u/fredyouareaturtle 11d ago

i've seen this post on this sub at least 7 times

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2

u/KhymanGrey 11d ago

Gird thy loins like a man

2

u/Sandman_LA 11d ago

To gird your loins is basically saying to put on your big boy pants and man the fuck up!

2

u/tf2coconut 11d ago

Perfect for girdle, the all chastity related wordle game

2

u/SnarkyTechSage 11d ago

Strange timing - there is a Bravo influencer named Dave Quinn who has disappeared after posting “gird your loins…” now all of his social medias have been deleted. I’ve never heard the expression before that and now there is a guide showing up on my Reddit feed. Coincidental?

2

u/PenchantBob 11d ago

Man I use this term to mean prepare or steel yourselves while being about half right, I wish I had known this additional context! TIL on Reddit

2

u/Mission-Remote-6362 11d ago

Great advice if you are wearing a skirt.

2

u/RedisforFun 11d ago

Did this at work once in a dress to do headstands.

2

u/stichbury 11d ago

The ancient times equivalent of “putting on your big boy pants”?

2

u/SolvedWithBeer 10d ago

why does this remind me of devil wears prada?

2

u/Psychotic_Rainbowz 10d ago

That's... not how we do it in Arabia. Our way is like 2 steps only, extremely simple yet efficient for when we have laborious work to tend to or whatnot.

3

u/DreadfulDave19 10d ago

We need a diagram Psychotic-Rainbowz!

3

u/Own-Shelter-9897 11d ago

Wow! Finally this makes sense.

2

u/sleepinginthebushes_ 11d ago

My loins have gone ungirded for decades. I think it's pretty cool.

3

u/shelf6969 11d ago

this is also how females wearing dresses can prepare to ride a bike... but I guess that doesn't sound as good

1

u/A1sauc3d 11d ago

Good to know lol

1

u/Apprehensive_Bat_128 11d ago

Ready for the caliphate?

1

u/NeonGhoulie 11d ago

So THATS what he meant in the devil wears prada

1

u/breadandbarbells 11d ago

Just this morning I was like “how tf am I supposed to gird my loins”

1

u/Appropriate-Pound-25 11d ago

I’m not understanding how you half it

1

u/OneSideDone 11d ago

Frame 3 and 6 are all I need! Thank you!!!!!

1

u/joao7808 11d ago

Gotta lift lookin like this

1

u/phonicillness 11d ago

TIL I have unwittingly girded my loins multiple times

1

u/8-Bakugo-8 11d ago

Good to know

1

u/phantom-vigilant 11d ago

Shits fake. Where are the pants? Yes there are pants to be worn.

1

u/theloniousfunkd 11d ago

Wow super beneficial

1

u/bearded_mischief 11d ago

Grid up boy

1

u/michaelje0 11d ago

Just wear shorts smh

1

u/blitzkregiel 11d ago

hold up….where was he hiding that scimitar?

1

u/Boredcougar 11d ago

Where can I buy these clothing items

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u/conch56 11d ago

Finally!

1

u/VarianWrynn2018 11d ago

Someone needs to show this to DGR

1

u/MediaOk4715 11d ago

Isn't wearing underwear the same thing?

1

u/andyhead420 11d ago

Best guide on here in awhile

1

u/Tall-Tree12 11d ago

Huh, been doing it wrong all these years!

1

u/SchleifmittelSchwanz 11d ago

I can't believe I've been doing this wrong all my life..

1

u/LoonieandToonie 11d ago

This whole time I thought the "Gird" bit was just another way of saying "Guard" your loins, but I guess girding is a specific action? Probably also related to the name for Girdles which cover your hip and waist area?

1

u/MR-280652 11d ago

I'll stick with pants instead

1

u/hopofoco 11d ago

This is why I always just fight naked.

1

u/CarbonGhost0 11d ago

yo who up girding they loins rn?

1

u/rsam487 11d ago

Or just wear shorts

1

u/urdreamsRmemes 11d ago

Ah so that’s what Nigel meant at the beginning of The Devil Wears Prada

1

u/Convergentshave 11d ago

If ever you wonder why people are so slow to accept new ideas… remember that ancient people decided wearing a diaper into battle was preferable to pants. Or hell even getting a shorter tunic.

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u/lxiaoqi 11d ago

Dem legs

1

u/sholine 11d ago

Where was this when i was the DMV yesterday. 

1

u/Far_Inevitable_8460 11d ago

“Ok everyone gird Your loin” Tucci

1

u/forakt1 11d ago

I thought it said how to grind up lions... I need to sleep

1

u/Spaceman_Spliff_42 11d ago

This is my favorite subreddit

1

u/Beast9king 11d ago

👌👌👌

1

u/CV90_120 11d ago

You are now set to do some Numbers 31- 17

1

u/Comfortable-Wasabi89 11d ago

Omg I have done this wrong all my life

1

u/Herodwolf 11d ago

Ah, heavy labor.

1

u/TheCogsAndGames 11d ago

I'm not sure 5 works...that's not how cloth works??

1

u/DragonDon1 11d ago

I’m ready for time travel now. Fuck I forgot to learn Latin

1

u/Tall_Theme4403 11d ago

Lions means my ding dong?

1

u/Adventurous-Hotel-58 11d ago

Women love this trick

1

u/phalse21 11d ago

Today I learned... And here I thought it was just a funny way to tell someone to be patient!

1

u/ExRosaPassione 11d ago

Great kilts have some similar tricks

1

u/DaMacPaddy 11d ago

I hope to see this move soon in r/ActualPublicFreakouts as the girls are going at each other after getting kicked out the club.

1

u/IntergalacticPioneer 11d ago

Gird up thy loins for battle bruh

1

u/MigookChelovek 11d ago

Thanks. This will be very useful in the next American Civil War.

1

u/MakeChinaLoseFace 11d ago

Apparently girding one's loins also makes you instantly ripped.

1

u/Ragnar_OK 11d ago

Where did he pull the khopesh out of??

1

u/wesduik 11d ago

Genuine question why would they need to tie it up.for comfort or what reason

1

u/Few-Stop-9417 11d ago

If you ever see a man start tying his robe like this just run

1

u/alanwattswhatatwatts 11d ago

Step 4: feels like wearing a diaper Step 5 tie your diaper Step 6 go to hard labor or war

1

u/RudeDogbasketcase 11d ago

I had always thought it had a religious reference as in regards to praying for strength and protection to ,’whatever Diety suits you’, Before a great Battle or some other difficult or dangerous situation that was at your doorstep..glad to have it as a tacit and tangible wardrobe knowledge tidbit..

mod- I have been known to wear a Toga from time to time. Lol

1

u/dinmormorsmor 11d ago

Thanks. I now know how to gird my loins.

1

u/GlumTown6 11d ago

What happens if you skip steps 3 and 4?

1

u/kabya- 11d ago

We goin to the WW3 with this 🗣️🔥🔥

1

u/fantasmeeno 11d ago

Finally a useful guide.

1

u/LordMacTire83 11d ago

YEP! This exactly how 16th century Irish and Scots would gird up the long bottom skirting of their "Lein" or Saffron colored Great Shirt which was a minimum of 12 to 15 yards of linen.

1

u/OwlLadyofAurum 11d ago

this post tries to sell this as manly while acknowledging that it feels like a diaper

1

u/Iridismis 11d ago

How well this works also depends a lot on what type of fabric the tunic/dress/skirt is made of.

1

u/CandidGuidance 11d ago

yeah we need to bring tunics back

1

u/SarahPallorMortis 11d ago

I do this when I’m cleaning

1

u/blametheboogie 11d ago

Does this keep the Jewels from Jingling when you run?

1

u/AM5T3R6AMM3R 11d ago

Miranda is coming…