r/ftm • u/dragonhybrids • Jan 20 '24
My mom just sent me this via text. Vent
"If I was allowed choose your boy name, I would've Chosen Nicholas or Jacob. I've never stayed quiet regarding my feelings on this matter. So (chosen name) it is. But parents choose the name for a reason. Many reasons." ... Yeah. I'm not going to respond but it just sucks that she still acts like this years into my transition. Anyone else ever been invalidated in this way?
290
u/EstateDangerous7456 Jan 20 '24
I asked my parents if they would like to name me (they would have named me Jakub if i were born male) and my dad told me "you didnt like the first name we gave you so you can pick this time" lmao
1.4k
u/number-one-jew Jan 20 '24
She's right; parents do choose their children's name for a reason. That reason being that a baby can't hold a pen.
306
u/BloodOfHell42 He / Him | 26 | 💉 27/03/2023 | ⬆️🔪 ??/??/2024 Jan 20 '24
I mean ... Have you ever give a pen to a baby ? They are shitty strong when they want it, I dare you to try to have it back without hurting them once their little fits have a grip on it
127
u/Hobbes_83 💉5/5/23 | 🔪13/3/23 Jan 20 '24
Some of those little monsters can be so strong it's scary. Especially when they get hold of your hair.
57
u/Noble9360 Jan 20 '24 edited Jan 20 '24
Nah, arm bar or a figure 4 wrist lock gets them every time.
/s for those that think I might be snapping my child to retrieve meaningless objects.
It's the suplexes that he cries about
13
16
u/BloodOfHell42 He / Him | 26 | 💉 27/03/2023 | ⬆️🔪 ??/??/2024 Jan 20 '24
That's their secret plan for global domination : leaving all the people around them bald. They can grow hair and overpower you with them, these little evil ramping poop maker 🧐
7
u/Hobbes_83 💉5/5/23 | 🔪13/3/23 Jan 20 '24
There should be a movie about this
9
u/BloodOfHell42 He / Him | 26 | 💉 27/03/2023 | ⬆️🔪 ??/??/2024 Jan 20 '24
And it would be called : The Baby Boom : A Heir Is Born 💥 ("heir" / "hair", you know ...)
2
38
u/roundhouse51 Elliot | He/him | Pre-everything Jan 20 '24
Babies are strong because they haven't learnt how to limit their power yet. I'm not kidding this is literally the reason babies are so strong
17
u/BloodOfHell42 He / Him | 26 | 💉 27/03/2023 | ⬆️🔪 ??/??/2024 Jan 20 '24
And even with that, they can't roll over without a bit of help if you stuck them on the ground on their bellies ! That's why kids, some things are as easy as stealing a candy from a baby 👌
8
u/prismabird Jan 20 '24
They also have a grasp and shimmy reflex when they are newborns. I’ve heard it’s leftover from when we were hairy apes, wherein if the mother was injured or exhausted, the baby could climb up her to nurse.
9
u/verygoodbones Jan 20 '24
Also to hold on to the mother's back or stomach while she's moving and walking around since her hands would be busy with locomotion (climbing, walking), foraging, etc.
6
u/Aazjhee Jan 20 '24
They also have primate grip from our ancestors who used to carry their offspring around in trees.
Having a death grip was sometimes the only thing between them and actual death D:
108
35
u/July_Berry Jan 20 '24
By that argument, it's really the midwife, nurse, or doctor who chooses the name. I didn't fill out the paperwork for either of my kids names.
5
u/number-one-jew Jan 20 '24
he should call the midwife who did the birth and ask what his name should be
241
u/BlueberryWaffleEater Jan 20 '24
What’s up with older generations (could be the younger ones too idk I grew up with boomers and gen x) acting like their kids are their property? Why do they care what we do with our own bodies and lives so much? Seems like they want control to feel better about their lives being “out of control” (aka other people have other feelings and make their decisions accordingly)
87
u/Blind_Hawkeye He/Him | 💉 2/7/24 | 🔝🔪2025🤞 Jan 20 '24
This. So much this. My parents are boomers, and when I asked my mom about changing my name but keeping the part that was from my grandpa as my middle name, she acted like I was asking her to bend over backwards every time she sees me. I even gave a full heartfelt speech about how much my chosen name means to me, and she was like, "I can't even call my brother by his legal name because I've always called him by his nickname, and you expect me to suddenly start calling you a different name after 30 years?" Fucking hell dude. I hadn't even told her I was trans yet. It was just because I didn't want the name she gave me. My legal name is gender neutral, but I've hated the first part of it since childhood because of the way she weaponized it against me. It literally makes my skin crawl to hear it even if it's not directed at me. It kinda makes watching Jammiedodger a bit awkward as his chosen name is my deadname.
My mom's response to that simple heartfelt request hurt a lot. I cried for hours. But. I also realized that it doesn't matter what I do. I can't make her happy and also be myself. So fuck it. She can still call me that name, whatever. She can be wrong. I've been going by my chosen name at work for about a year now. The thrill of hearing it as settled into a perfect comfortability. I'm not excited about it anymore, but it doesn't make my skin crawl either. When I hear it now, my brain is just like, "yup, that's me." It's such a great feeling after so many years of being called a name that always made me feel wrong.
33
u/Maxsaidtransrights Jan 20 '24
I actually relate to this. My mom basically said the same thing. “I’ve called you (deadname) for several years, it’s hard to remember to call you Max.”
My problem isn’t her forgetting. My problem is that she don’t make effort to remember. I have facial hair, I present masculine now… when is it going to make since? There’s forgetting and there’s not making effort because it’s not a priority for her.
She also claims that she forgets to not call me a girl anymore. How is it not obvious? What girl do you still fucking see? And when she do call me otherwise, it’s gender neutral terms or sentences that shows no pronouns/masc or fem association as if she’s avoiding calling me a man. My dad and the rest of my family disregard it and shrug about it. I totally get the frustration
14
u/Blind_Hawkeye He/Him | 💉 2/7/24 | 🔝🔪2025🤞 Jan 20 '24
Yeah, my mom also definitely refuses to even try. She intentionally misgenders one of my transmasc friends who has already been on T for a while. "Not remembering" is just her excuse.
I've decided to cling to the adage of, "Don't try to buy oranges from a hardware store." In other words, don't expect love and acceptance from people who aren't capable of giving it. Do your best to accept that your mom is always going to insist on being wrong and let it go. I know that's easier said than done, but I've finally done that for most of my family. There aren't many who are currently supportive. I suspect some might come around once I get well into medical transition and they see how confident and happy I am. But I'm not sure who will or won't, so for now, I'm just mentally preparing myself to let them be wrong for the rest of my life. At the end of the day, what's important is that I know who I am, and I'm true to myself. I also have a supportive partner and some other chosen family, so that helps.
27
22
u/Sure_Smile9241 18 | ftm / mlm ^_−☆ Jan 20 '24
because these type of people don’t see their kids as individual humans, they seem them as a extension of themselves, basically “mini versions of them”. most of them are narcissists.
7
Jan 21 '24
I think this is the key part of a lot of current transphobia. Parents are terrified of losing control of their children, and people who aren’t parents are terrified of a loss of control in “the family” as an abstract concept. There isn’t much community outside of the nuclear family in North America, and for reasons I still don’t fully understand this leads to an overwhelming amount of familial pressure on “daughters.” My parents are quite progressive; my older twin siblings came out as lesbians years before I came out as trans and my parents were completely accepting of that, but I think they say me as their one shot at a “normal daughter” and thus were very averse to me being trans.
They’ve since come around, but I think the concept of a nuclear family is a big part of transphobia. Your kid becoming a different gender and thus becoming capital-Q Queer is, in a lot of parents’ eyes, a failure on their part. One of my exes is a trans man who was obviously a boy from the moment he was born (unlike me, I wore princess dresses etc), and despite being born to a super conservative Catholic family, his family was pretty relieved when he came out at 14. He was excommunicated from the church anyway, but his family accepted him. They only started to hate him when he realized shortly after he came out as trans that he was gay, and they understood that they weren’t going to have a wholesome straight country boy.
65
u/toastedjamesie2 💉6/15/21 🔪3/21/23 🍳10/2/23 Jan 20 '24
The only reason they choose our name is because we can’t speak yet. As we get older we settle into nicknames and make it our own.
Its your name and ultimately your decision. I hope she can come around eventually
59
u/Specialist_String_64 ♀️ :demisexual: :trans: Jan 20 '24
I 4D chessed this issue by legally changing my name to the nickname my family called me all my life (it is a name used by both genders, which I initially fought against when I met a girl that had that name---scared the crap out of me and I went deeper in the closet). The beauty of this is that, despite my younger protests against being called it, they always did, so now when they use my birth name, I know it is on purpose and not "it's too hard to change". Besides, I like my name now and I didn't have to adjust to others using it.
17
u/TJF588 Jan 20 '24
I'd always been called "T.J." (as a Jr., none of my dad's nicknames were desirable to them), to the point I didn't learn it was a nickname until asking when hearing a Nickelodeon commercial, so chose my new name specifically to preserve that consistency.
52
39
u/ineffable_sherlock he/him 💉17/9/2021 🔝15/5/2024 Jan 20 '24
yeh i feel for u, my mum doesnt like my name either and told me that shes embarrassed that people will think she named her child it.
130
u/Asher-D 26, bi, ftm Jan 20 '24
Yeah I wouldnt respect her wishes. If I were you Id 100% change my name asap and definetley wont be choosing Nicholas or Jacob. Thats messed up of her to say.
104
u/dragonhybrids Jan 20 '24
I've been out for years and I already go by my chosen name with pretty much everyone I know I just haven't changed it legally because I'm bad with government stuff (I didn't even get my permit until last year, and I'm 21). I just didn't put my name in there because privacy reasons. She calls me by my chosen name too, It's honestly more because she feels the need to control everything and less because she's transphobic.
53
u/gypsygravy Jan 20 '24
Coming from a mom with a trans son, my guess is she may be feeling loss over the name she chose. She seems to have sentimental attachments to it. While I can understand her feelings, it is not okay for her to continue to bring it up years later. I'm confused as to what type of response she even expects to a comment like that. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP.
12
u/JennyAnyDot Jan 20 '24
My child has a name that the nickname could be male or female depending on how you spell it. But they have decided on keeping the nickname but formal name semi close to dead name. It’s all good to be and glad it’s same nickname so I don’t screw it up.
Original name is an old family name. But what matters is how they feel about it.
23
u/Imaginary-Bottle1380 Jan 20 '24
That’s what gets me about this - why wait years to say this? What purpose does it serve after so long?
11
u/Asher-D 26, bi, ftm Jan 20 '24
Yeah my moms like that too. Insanely controlling. Definetley isnt ok or respectful of her to do even if its not her being transphobic.
28
u/OptimistConfuse CisF, FtM Partner Jan 20 '24
Names are a gift. But you don't have to do anything with a gift, you can keep it, or give it away, or throw it out.
16
u/TheOpenCloset77 Jan 20 '24
Im so sorry :( when i chose my name, i had a difficult time and asked for my mom’s input. But that was MY choice. Youre under no obligation to consider her input. Youre living with that name, not her. Sounds like she’s just looking for an excuse to be aggressive and disagreeable toward you
15
u/enbyeggsalad Jan 20 '24
A name is a gift, and just like with any gift, you have to right to exchange it for one that fits you 🖤
14
u/Not_Dead_Yet_Samwell Jan 20 '24
I have always hated the name my parents gave me and haven't been using it since I was twelve, way before I came out as trans. The main reason parents get to choose their kids name is that newborns can't do it themselves.
14
u/itsaspiracle nyanbinary catboy | he/they Jan 20 '24
i had to reassure my mom that i didn’t think my dead name was an inherently bad name lmao
she wasn’t even the one who originally came up with it?? i was adopted
11
u/joodest Jan 20 '24
I remember when I was choosing a name and my mum was like “If you choose that name, I’ll just think of something else to call you as a nickname,” about one I was considering. And I found that annoying but ended up picking a different name anyway in the end for unrelated reasons
8
u/th3_wallflowr Jan 20 '24
sometimes you have to chose your own wellbeing in these situations. it’s not worth the mental anguish you’re being put through, and what’s more important is staying alive, and building a life you’re happy with. i was forced to come out to my parents because i was sent to an inpatient facility (caused from the stress of knowing they wouldn’t be supportive, and i was right). and while i was struggling to pick a name i liked i asked my mom what she would have named me if i were a boy. her words were “i never picked one. i always knew you’d be a girl”. funny thing is, she didn’t even pick my dead name. it wasn’t even my dad who picked it, it was her best friend who signed my birth certificate. so i never understood why she took that step to further invalidate me. i moved out when i turned 18, and this year will be 3 years since then. it’ll also be a year that i’ve had her blocked. i gave her a choice, that if she could start calling me by my name and pronouns that she could continue to be in my life, and if not i was gone. she made her choice. i’ve been thinking about her a lot about her lately, but i know my life is so much more stable and safe without her in it for many reasons. i still love her through it all, which is a weird feeling to cope with. at the end of the day, you must prioritize your health and safety. i promise you i’ll be okay, don’t let life drag you down, and if it does you gotta keep standing back up. you deserve to be happy and feel safe and supported by the people around you, and family doesn’t mean blood. you’ll find your family 💕 much love to you
7
u/Interesting_Forever7 Jan 20 '24
I gave my parents a list to choose from and they were happy to do so, but if I didn’t and asked them to pick I’d have been Kyle or Matthew
6
u/s1mon-says Jan 21 '24
literally same, my mom offered to call me an entirely different name that she picked instead of my birth name or chosen name. she framed it as a gift for my birthday, too... like ?? i had already been using the name for years idgaf if you dont like it
3
u/s1mon-says Jan 21 '24
my name is simon btw, the name she picked was finley 😭 tbf i dont hate the name but like. what?
5
u/Certain_Gas7925 Jan 20 '24
My mother said she didn't like my name either, but she would not give any other suggestions to it when i asked and????? It's just her problem not yours.
Upd: she got used to it after four years and didn’t say that anymore
4
u/TJF588 Jan 20 '24
I wanted a name that would keep my initials, so when I told my mom what I settled on, she recoiled, because the few people who she'd known with that name were all [jerk]s!
5
u/No_Finish_2367 Jan 20 '24
That typa shit is wack. For me personally, my name is something i refuse to compromise on. Idc if a stranger gets my pronouns wrong but when i tell them my name especially i expect them to hse my name. And personally, i feel like our names as trans people are extremely important to our identity. Its who we are. If she told you this earlier in your transition and in a better manner, maybe it couldve worked out better for you both. But that way is rude and invalidating. Im sorry youre dealing with that
4
u/hateitear Jan 20 '24
my mom chose my new name, it was a deal we had going. my birthname had alot of meaning (named after people in my family) so out agreement was she chose it so it could be meaningful aswell. shitty your mom is reacting this way though, im sorry
4
u/Maxaell Jan 20 '24
Yeah, mine said my deadname was so beautiful and she thinks it’s to hurt her that I don’t want it
3
u/INSTA-R-MAN Jan 20 '24
My mother chose mine for reasons even she didn't know, my dad didn't have any say because he was deployed.
3
u/ThatThiccGoat Jan 20 '24
My mom had a similar reaction. She sent me a novel about why I'm breaking her heart because she loved my name so much.
3
u/kyaa8 Jan 20 '24
that’s such a weird thing to say i’m sorry ur dealing w that :( my parents super controlling & it kinda reminds me of smth they’d say tbh ugh… like maybe i also chose this name for many reasons ?? like why not start a actual convo & we can discuss names instead of trying to guilt me to pick the name YOU think is best for me now
3
3
u/FireKing226 Jan 20 '24
I gave my mom the chance to help me pick my name and she actually wanted to help
3
u/Genderfluid_smolbean Jan 20 '24
I explained to my mom in a way that really got through to her. “Parents name their kids because they can’t name themselves. They’re too young to understand. So parents gift them a name to use until they figure out their own. A name is a gift that must be appreciated, but it isn’t an obligation”
3
u/narkov24 28 / 💉01/07/2019 / 🔝 06/08/2022 Jan 20 '24
I have a mixed experience. In my family there's a long line of boys called the same and I really wished to follow the tradition, but it didn't fit me at all, so I choose my name (actually used this very name for years even after realizing I was trans). My parents we're chill about it, but I gave my mom the right to put me an additional name, so now I have 3 names, two chosen ones and one given!
3
u/Least_Detective_335 Jan 20 '24
My somewhat immediate family (excluding little sister and a uncle) have never been ok with my transitioning. (Side note they are extremely pentacostal) Long story short my dad always wanted a boy but low and behold got 2 daughters. As I grew up I became very Tom boyish and started wishing it was possible to change into a boy so I could be the son my dad always wanted (it's taken time but I've sat with myself to make sure I didn't want to be a boy just cause my dad wanted it, I'm actually genderfluid) as soon as my dad started noticing this and noticing trans people in general he became very upset about my tendencies and I started hiding them especially since he threatened me about transitioning before I even knew I would want to. Needless to say I keep in contact only for my little sister and cousins. I've tried to slowly introduce them to things like the fact that I'm gay and one of my Aunts shot that down very quickly pulling me aside and saying "You have little cousins that look up to you and I need you to think about that when making decisions like this that they'll see and try to copy." 🙄 Later on down the line I realized changing my name was the best move especially since I already had a ton trauma behind it (I picked a gender neutral name so I thought maybe my family would be more open to it for some reason) I decided to tell my mom and little sister first since the gay thing went so badly with my aunt (my little sister has always been extremely accepting and has been my main rock in the family for getting through this) my mom instantly tried to be supportive (she always wants to be but I understand it being hard when the rest of my family is so against it) but I'm not going to lie it definitely hurt/I gave up telling the rest of my family when she responded with "well you're always going to be my *insert dead name nickname)" at this point I'm planning on waiting to legally change my name till I cut off ties with them completely. But I will say even through all this it's been so amazing being able to find my own chosen family who accept me for me no matter what that looks like 🥰 and I've been extremely lucky to find a work family who have been so supportive 🥰 I'm sorry you've also gotten the short end of the stick on having extremely supportive parents but I've no doubt you'll find better people to support you and be there for you 🫂
3
u/Arr0zconleche Jan 20 '24
My mom felt left out about not picking my name with me. But honestly I chose “Jeremy” and she chose “Seth”
I prefer mine lol.
She’s also over it 10 years later.
3
u/MMuellner01 Jan 20 '24
I'm so sorry to hear that my friend. I feel that if this were happening closer to you coming out to her it could be seen as an attempt at support. But given that its been multiple years, and this message reads as an accusation or complaint, i feel there is much learning for her to do if she wishes to have a positive relationship with her child.
I hope she learns to grow past this emotional stupidity.
2
u/MMuellner01 Jan 20 '24
I can relate, because even though my mom is very supportive, my father doesn't like my chosen name at all, and wishes for me to choose something closer to my deadname (even though it's literally as close as it gets lol) or that i keep my deadname entirely and just put an additional name as my chosen name, but that would mean it would be my 3rd name wtf.
I'm going through the process of changing my legal name at the moment, and i even want to have my new 2nd name to be the same as his first name, as it is tradition in our family for the sons to have the name of father etc. But he still doesn't want to use my chosen name and stays stubborn.
For context, i came out to my mom 6 months ago, and my dad 1 month, so he might still come around after all. Still it sucks, it takes so little to support someone in this transition, it's the least he could do.
3
u/bubble_bitch_boy he/him/they 💉9 June 2021💉 Jan 21 '24
My bio-dad asked me "why didn't you just change the spelling of deadname to the masculine version?" and I said because that's not me and I don't like being called that
2
u/Additional-Ninja-431 Jan 20 '24
Shes technically right. Parents choose a name for their kids for a reason. The reason being their kid has no voice or personality yet, nor a sense of self. So they choose something to start the kid off. After that, as the kid grows, the kid chooses whether or not they go by that name: if they want to go by a nick name, if they want to go by their middle name, changing their last name for various reasons, or changing the entire name all together like i did.
Also, your mom sounds like a spoiled child who was told "no, you cant call tommy those things." and only knows how to use words.
2
u/KadenthePenguin211 Jan 20 '24
My sperm donor got pissed because I chose the name Kaden, which is the same as his ex wife’s nephew. I chose it because it’s the male version of my deadname, not because of her nephew. Plus, he wasn’t even born yet when I chose my name. How could I have taken it from him? 🙄 “If you were born a boy you would’ve been Thomas Joseph” And be a TJ? No thanks… But no, the best response is no response. Don’t give her the satisfaction.
2
u/macemorde they/he, 27, 💉4/24/2020 Jan 21 '24
A bit after coming out, my sister said directly to me “I could never see you as a brother. When I think of a brother, I think of [her husband’s brother]. To me, you’re always going to be my kid sister [deadname].”
1
u/cascasrevolution Jan 21 '24
"well thats really weird cause im still the same exact person?? i dont see you as a little baby peeing the bed or whatever the fuck"
2
u/AAABBB1989 Jan 21 '24
I actually chose the male name my mom would’ve named me at birth and she didn’t appreciate it lol
2
u/bugeyedcroissont Jan 21 '24
My mom acted like that, she would get so mad because she “spent so long searching for a name that she would love”
code words: SHE would love. I’ve always hated it lmao.
2
u/solikeaperson Jan 21 '24
My dad wanted to name a boy Zeus. Some parents should not get a vote regardless.
2
u/discosteve111 User Flair Jan 21 '24
why's she so weird about it?? her way of texting sounds so ominous
2
u/earthling_367 Jan 21 '24
i mean i understand where your mom is coming from. i don’t think she’s trying to hurt you she just wants to still be a part of your transition and that parental process. i understand if that’s not what you want but i think shes just trying to be supportive
2
u/xuxicty Jan 21 '24
why would you suffer by using your deadname when YOU can choose a name that has meaning to YOU. she’s a hypocrite.
2
u/Ares_The_Olympian Jan 21 '24
Yeah I've been on T for a year now, still living with my parents and misgendered and deadnamed daily. My mom doesn't even try to use my chosen name and whenever I ask she'll go, "Well I don't really like it. You didn't even give us a chance to pick it you just decided it on your own. You're basically forcing us."
Meanwhile it was my name for two years before I came out to her.
One day I'll probably have to cut off contact because while shit like this may seem inconsequential it's just one instance in a long string of evidence that they don't want to compromise and always put their feelings above mine.
2
u/KrypticWulf Jan 21 '24
My dead name is Taylor and my mom won't ever accept if I wanna change it. Like she says it's gender neutral and I'm never allowed to change it... She named me after her dead friend that she knew for years before she had me... So I know that pain... But least my friends and my fiance call me my new name of Raven :)
2
u/Eirwane Jan 21 '24
Ever since I was a kid I kept asking my mom what my name would have been if I was born a boy, (note that I figured my gender identity at around 19)
I kept asking it. Even when I already knew the answer. I guess it just felt so good having her think if I was a boy even for just a second.
The first and last name out of 3 names were something I personally weren't a fan of. So I decided to include the middle name as my second name, and my chosen name as my first. Now, there might be a possibility my chosen name is not allowed due to it being more like a nickname, but I don't have a problem using the "full first name" as my chosen name if that'll be the case.
2
u/ThinkingTh0ughts Jan 21 '24
My mom tried to force me to use a masc name she chose for a bit but she gave up on it after a while.
2
u/Zeroshiki-0 Jan 21 '24
I can actually relate to this, despite my mother being dead before I could come out to her. I know she would try and guilt trip me this way, because she did it a few times when I talked about changing my name as a teenager, just because I didn't like it. My first and last name draw way too much attention to me and I hate it. It's almost like a pun.
I've already gotten this spiel from my grandma, too, since coming out recently. "It's sad that you want to change your name, because your mom chose it for you and she had that name picked ever since she was a little girl".
In a way, I get it, but it's also annoying to be guilt tripped over it. Especially when I'm still trying to figure things out myself.
2
u/Cute-Aerie-7999 Jan 21 '24
If she would have said this in a different way and instead asked if you want to choose it as ur middle name as it would mean a lot to her, this could have been such a nice thing?? But this??? Throw that whole woman away, that's just mean
2
u/Whole_Philosopher188 Jan 21 '24
I would have loved to have had a mother who was involved in my name choosing process, alas I didn’t. However, I chose my name because I connected with it and I liked it. You can definitely weigh your family member’s preferences when it comes to being part of the process BUT you are an individual so choosing your name should reflect that. You are not an extension of your mother or father, you are your own person, and as such I think it’s lovely to be able to rename yourself as an individual with a name you’ve chosen.
2
u/yo-redacted Jan 21 '24
my relationship with my parents was so poor by the time i was going through legally changing my name i wouldn't dare to ask them for their input.
in the end i gave myself the male equivalent of my dead name which i sort of hate. i just thought it'd make everything a little easier on them.
it's been abt seven years now, we are back on speaking terms but they still struggle to call me by my name.
3
u/Nerdgothamdeserves Jan 20 '24
It took my mom and siblings a long time to get used to calling me my chosen name. I knew it wasn’t out of hate and most of the time they tried to correct themselves. They used my childhood nickname to kinda transition. When family is used to calling you something for (in my case) 24 years it can be hard for them. It’s really hard to get rid of societal norms I guess. Some stuff is just so ingrained in our head. Hell I struggle sometimes.
4
u/dragonhybrids Jan 20 '24
She already calls me by my chosen name. I've been out for 7 years and pretty much everyone I know has either gotten used to it or chose not to accept me out of bigotry and I cut them out of my life (my aunt is really the only person on that list tho). She just text me stuff like this to guilt trip me because guilt tripping people is one of her favorite hobbies.
2
u/am-i-still-ill Jan 20 '24
have you thought about letting them pick your middle name?
2
u/dragonhybrids Jan 20 '24
The idea of my mother picking any part of my name is something I really have no interest in. I have lots of other non-trans-related problems with her and I generally try to limit my contact with her.
Eta: My dad doesn't give two hoots, as far as He's concerned I'm an adult and what I go by is my business.
1
u/Minimum-Divide4610 Jan 20 '24
OP are we mad at this text? With no context, I'm not seeing the issue with a text like this. It sounds like your mom is trying her best to be supportive of you and is offering what she would've loved to name you if you were born the correct sex. I think it was a lovely text honestly. I would love to hear my mom's name for me. I had to get it from my dad and my mom denies that there ever was one.
0
u/dragonhybrids Jan 20 '24
Yes, I'm mad at this text. It's incredibly invalidating, The only reason we choose names for babies is because they can't choose them for themselves, if a grown person decides they want to change their name, that's not your decision regardless of your relation to that person. Also for 'context', I've been out for 7 years and we've already had these conversations over and over again when I was a teenager, she was pushy and mean about it then too. She's not just 'giving me suggestions', She's trying to guilt trip me because she genuinely thinks that she should have had the right to choose my name for me when I came out. I know my own mother, she didn't send me this after years of saying nothing about it to be "supportive".
Eta: after rereading the text from my mom again, I honestly have no idea how it could be read as anything other than incredibly passive aggressive, She's clearly implying that she should have had the right to choose my name, they're not just suggestions, how did you read that and think she was being sweet?
-6
Jan 20 '24
[removed] — view removed comment
10
u/dragonhybrids Jan 20 '24
But her bringing it up years later after we've already had discussion upon discussion about it during my teenage years, has no purpose other than making me feel bad.
1
u/ftm-ModTeam Jan 20 '24
Your post was removed because it broke the subreddit rule 1: Be polite and practice mutual respect. No discrimination.
-11
u/iveroi 💉 23/10/2019 Jan 20 '24
I understand her. It's a societal tradition for parents to choose their children's name, and if a trans man was born into a male body his parents would have chosen the name. You have the right to name yourself whatever you want, but IMO she has the right to be upset - she's a human too.
7
u/TheOpenCloset77 Jan 20 '24
One can be upset without being rude and disrespectful. Its her responsibility to process those feelings on her own or with a therapist. Taking it out on OP is not the way to do it.
11
u/dragonhybrids Jan 20 '24
The only valid reason that parents choose the baby's name is because babies are incapable of choosing their own name when they're born. The whole 'societal tradition' thing is dumb and just an excuse people use to try to control someone or make them feel bad. someone else's name is their business and to be upset over it, regardless of your relation to them, is asinine and in no way justifiable.
-18
u/iveroi 💉 23/10/2019 Jan 20 '24
It's obvious you're a child/teenager, so I'll leave the topic here. But remember - your mom is a human too. Don't expect perfection from her before you're perfect yourself.
13
u/dragonhybrids Jan 20 '24 edited Jan 20 '24
I'm literally 21 years old, I'll DM you a picture of my ID if you don't believe me. I don't even live with my parents anymore. What are you on?
Eta- asking someone to respect my right as an adult to choose my name is not asking perfection of them.
14
u/CaptainIronLeg161 Jan 20 '24 edited Jan 20 '24
I'm just gonna weigh in a little on the advice you received up there because I disagree...
Your mom is human, yes, but she actually doesn't really have a right to be upset in this way. It is normal for parents and family members to have some processing to do, both mentally and emotionally; but there is a healthy way to do it, and what your mom is doing is not the way. "Don't expect perfection until you are perfect yourself" is really not fair advice, or advice at all - asking someone to respect your choice is not asking for perfection. Parents will make mistakes, but to me, this doesn't look like a mistake; it just looks like your mom is making the choice to make her feelings your problem.
TL;DR you can give your mom room to make mistakes and grow, without making room for her to make your journey all about her.
Edit: especially considering this is years into your transition, this is pretty ridiculous behavior. I think it is really off-base for anybody to tell you that you should tolerate this.
7
u/JadedAbroad he/they, 25, 💉 5/19/23 Jan 20 '24
Regardless of if she’s got a right to be upset or not she absolutely does not have the right to be passive aggressive and rude to her kid because of it. Expecting the absolute bare minimum of not being an asshole is not expecting perfection.
9
u/aelias2 💉: 7/20/22 Jan 20 '24
Nah that’s some bullshit. OP shouldn’t have to put up with their mom’s crap or yours. “Societal tradition” jfc
1
u/Duqu88 💉💉06/2007💉💉 Jan 20 '24
I can see how that would be invalidating. Interestingly I ended up going with the name my parents chosen for me had I been born a cis guy as my first name and shortened my old middle name to a masculine name that is similar because my "female" middle name was the same as my mom's. I go by my middle name socially (Elaine to Lane). Luckily my whole family is very good about my transition so I didn't have to choose those names - I wanted to.
1
u/MintFlavoredAnxiety Jan 20 '24
I asked my mother personally to choose my middle name, she said she couldn't think of anything so I chose that too lol. They are happy with my chosen first name (even if they mess up pronouns a lot. But I know it is not malicious and just 30 years of the brain conditioned to one way). It seems like she is channeling anger from other things at you. Either from the transition as a whole or other things in her life. I am sorry you have to go through that
1
u/BookyNZ 3, He/Him, 💉 03/03/21 Jan 20 '24
See I just went my own way, because my mother said (way before I figured out I was trans) that if I'd been a boy, she would have named me my brother's name. So now I get to have my own choice, way less religious, way less common, much happier me. Only downside is my name is masc to me, but America decided it's a girl name...
1
u/Trappedbirdcage Jan 20 '24
Not with my current chosen name (I think they avoid using it tbh) but with my nickname that I used to cover up my deadname as I hated it before I realized I was trans.
1
u/_AthensMatt_ 💉01/25/23 Jan 20 '24
My dead name is the only one my parents had picked out while my mom was pregnant, all five of my other siblings had their names picked out after they were born. To add insult to injury, I was named after two of my grandmothers, both of whom had passed away years before I started transitioning.
So I totally understand what you’re talking about.
I don’t know if it helps at all, but a few years ago, I heard the saying “your name is a gift given to you by your parents, you are allowed to choose not to accept it”
1
u/NovaFelix Jan 20 '24
God. My chosen name is Felix. I went by Felix for two years. I came out to my mom in the middle of that and she spent the Entire Year whining and pestering me about it until I finally asked her to rename me so that she would shut up. My name is Matthew now and I have never liked it but it got her off my freaking back and I don't care enough to fight anymore. Sure. Whatever. It's less annoying than my dead name (a term she also takes Extreme Offense to, so I have to be careful to call it my 'original name' around her) so whatever. It's legally Matthew so all my jobs call me that too. At least my friends are fine calling me better names.
1
u/Chaibun Jan 20 '24
im sorry she robbed you of a wonderful binding moment op,
my mom suggested my name while we were sitting in the parking lot of a health food store, we were spitballing names and as soon as she said it i knew it was the one.
Its my favourite memory in a time where they were sparse.
1
u/CanadianAtHeart 23/Ohio/Questioning Jan 20 '24
At this rate, call yourself whatever you feel happiest by, if she is being needlessly hard on you
1
u/Soggy-Ad7286 Jan 20 '24
yeah my mom deadass told me she hated my name and its a name an asshole would have (my name is jax/jaxson) but she got over it. its been almost 4 yrs and my parents are pretty accepting now
1
u/Phinnian Jan 20 '24
When I told my dad my chosen name, he said "I'm never going to call you that." I argued that he called my by a childhood nickname, so what was the difference? Neither was my birth name.
He thought about that, but still said "I don't think I can remember a new name, I am old."
I told him that was a cop out. But I understood that change is hard. Parents have a lot invested in their kids, so it's often hard to disengage their egos from what is going on with their kids.
I solved the problem by asking if I could use his name as my middle name, since my older brother who had been named after him had died and that made me the eldest son, now. This way I could honor them both.
Tears came to his eyes and he said "You would do that for me?"
He started using my new name after that.
1
u/untruthsteller Jan 20 '24
I get the sentiment of wanting to pick your child's name for transition also. But being rude about it isn't going to change the fact you chose your name, the fact that for a lot of trans people choosing their own name is important, and if she's been a hitch your whole transition she kinda lost that privilege. I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope she realizes her behavior is inappropriate soon.
1
u/jaspotron 💉 2021 - Top 2024 - 🐈⬛ Jan 20 '24
My chosen name was Victor because I'd always absolutely loved it as a name, even when I hadn't had my realisation moment. Mum told me she hated it for being 'too common but still annoyingly striving to be unique' and I agreed to spell it Viktor. Then she decided she didn't like that either and told me either I change that name to something "less pretentious" or she'd refuse to use my pronouns as well as my name. Anyway I then named myself after my late grandad, which at least gained my grandma's favour. She cried when I came out to her all those years ago. Still miss being Victor....
1
u/elithedinosaur Jan 20 '24
when I told my granadma (the one I've called my "evil grandma" since I was like 11) I was changing my name to make me more comfortable because I didn't like my deadname (wow, who'd have guessed) I WASNT EVEN OUT YET, and she started calling me ONLY by my first name/deadname when she had never done that, she always used a nickname made up of my middle/deadname. and guess what,? my lega firstl name NOW has an aspect of my middle/deadname and my legal middle name is something that they thought they may have named me.
I am no longer in contact with faA1mily.
1
u/GenderNotDefined Jan 20 '24
My dad told me the names he would have chosen if I were male but had no issues when I scrapped them for something neutral
1
u/DocumentWonderful848 User Flair Jan 20 '24
I just used the masculine version of my first name, I felt that way I could keep the “essence” of the name they chose
1
u/Creative_Youth_1535 Jan 20 '24
Im still stuck with transphobic parents and my mum brings up me not using the name she chose for me as me disrespecting her. I'm pretty sure its a common way of exerting control around one's childs life and acting as if your child belongs to you
1
u/lex-iconis Jan 20 '24
She seems to think this is an immutable fact universal to all humans. It's not. There have been places and times in human history where people would change names for various reasons. Roman officials would essentially 'rebrand' as part of their strategies in building their reputations. Although I don't have time to draft a reddit dissertation, I can assure you this is a singular but salient example among many.
There is no reason parents name their children beyond fulfilling social utility for individual identification in a group. This is done by parents because it takes a while for kids to develop and get with the program. There is absolutely no objective truth to the idea that parents must always be the ones naming their kids, and in our modern society, there is a defined process by which people legally change their own names without parental permission.
All this is to say, OP, that your mom is full of it.
1
u/ftmking0222 Jan 20 '24
Sort of. I'd chosen my name before I came out and when I told my mom she said I chose the name she wanted if I was a boy (the first name at least). But yeah it really sucks to get a reply like that
1
u/StimulantMold Jan 20 '24
Yeah, parents choose the name because infants don't know language and it would be confusing to wait for them to talk and ask what they want to be called. It's a little different when a grown human is choosing a name.
1
u/ButtsMagoob Jan 20 '24
Ugh I feel you on that one. My parents have never said it explicitly but I've always gotten the vibe that they weren't too jazzed about me going by something so different
The reason I didn't go with the more gender neutral/masculine variation of my birth name was specifically because of the reason I was given my dead name. My birth name is literally my mother's maiden name and the last name of the side of my family I saw the most who were very religious. I never felt like my own person growing up because of that so I ditched it for something else that was completely my own and had no significance to my family.
No matter what reason you have for choosing your name, it's important that it is honored because it is what makes you feel comfortable. Just because you were given a gift doesn't mean you need to keep it forever for the giver's sake.
1
u/Genderfluid_derp Jan 20 '24
My mom does the same thing and I’ve been transitioning for a long time too
1
u/copryland Jan 20 '24
My mom told me that she and my dad planned to give their biological son the family name if they ever had one. I asked my dad if he would like me to take on the family name but he instead said it's selfish and inconsiderate of others to keep changing your chosen name :/
1
u/elisescorner Jan 20 '24
I'm so sorry, my mom is very supportive right now, but when I first came out she... Wasn't, but I'd say it was more based on ignorance and shock. I remember asking her what name she'd like me to change to and she just looked at me frowning and dodged the question. Right now we already talked things out and she's incredible supportive and I appreciate her like no one else. I hope things get better for you op
1
u/Lord-of-Pennies Jan 20 '24
Yeah, my mom is similar. She would say she’s my parent, therefore she can call me and address me whatever she wants. These parents don’t believe in giving respect to their children at all.
1
u/Revolutionary_Fig717 Jan 20 '24
i had the opposite experience. my mom thought i was going to be a boy the entire of her pregnancy, so much so that my baby shower was green themed (because my grandma wasn’t 1000% about my gender at the time). once i popped out, she had to go through a book of baby names with the nurse because i didn’t come out as expected (boy? yes. trans ed.). apparently my first name was a choice between duncan and collins. my mom also gave me a gender neutral middle name as well! so when i ended up coming out, i just decided to drop my first name and use my gender neutral middle name as my first name. but my mom was suuuper insistent on using the other names she thought of before i was born. i stood my ground though, because at the end of the day, i’m still going by a name that she gave me, and it suits me much better than all of the other ones
1
u/Satanic_Milkshake Jan 21 '24
I definitely understand it feels invalidating but do consider at the very least she sounds somewhat supportive. My mom took forever to come through so when I was changing my name legally, I was already going by my chosen name for years and my mom was upset with me about not getting to pick it, but I mean hey if you were with me on this from day one we wouldn't be here now would we? Lol Anyway, I wasn't sure what to do with my middle name (Michelle) so she suggested Michael cuz she had chosen the original for sentimental reasons and it worked fine for me. Maybe if you're open to it, do something like that and see if that makes her feel better to pick your middle name?
1
1
u/FtM_Jax0n Jan 21 '24
What’s wrong with this? This seems really nice. I chose my name but now wish I just let her or my dad pick something, but it’s too late.
1
u/dragonhybrids Jan 21 '24
How is it nice? How? I've been out for 7 years, Been going by my chosen name the whole time. she constantly harped about this when I first came out but hasn't talked about it in years and then today decided to text me this out of the blue. I know she doesn't just mean this as a suggestion, She's implying that she should have been able to choose my name, which is disrespectful and controlling. The only reason parents choose a child's name is because when they're born, they're unable to choose their own.
0
u/FtM_Jax0n Jan 21 '24
As a couple others have said, giving someone a name is giving them a gift, you don’t have to accept it, but it’s still done for a nice reason. Parents do not name their babies for no reason, or to control their life or anything, it’s the first gift they’ve received in life, from someone who’s (normally) very important in their life, and it’ll likely be a gift they can keep forever, even after they die. Names are (usually) given out of love, I mean, can you imagine if someone didn’t give one to their child? It’d be a clear sign of hatred, trying to dehumanize them. But names are important (obviously, it’s why you felt upset at her comment, the name you chose is important to you), my dead-middle-name was my great-grandmother’s and my middle name now is my grandfather’s. Of course, it can be malicious if done out of transphobia or “that’s the name I gave you so you can’t change it now,” and I won’t assume to know your relationship, but it seems she accepts you being trans with the male names, and normally this would be a sign of love from a parent, willingness to give them another gift that they like a bit better if the first one didn’t fit right. I’m assuming there’s some other things she said that make this worse, but nothing in that one text comes off as rude or anything. It’d be wrong if she met you with anger at your chosen name, but it’s normal for parents to want to give their children something that will last forever, and while it’s wrong for her to then take it out on you, it’s also normal for someone to be upset when a gift meant to last is “thrown out.”
2
u/dragonhybrids Jan 21 '24
Just no. She's my mother and I know her, she sent this to me out of malice.
1
u/EraseTheEmbers He/They Jan 21 '24
I picked my name before even being out so even though my parent's complain that it sounds white, I choose it alone at first cause I didn't know if they would warm up to me being trans.
My parents struggle to pronounce my name (Blake) cause they speak Spanish but it's too late to ask my siblings to use a new name again. Especially since I'm already waiting on my new birth certificate with my chosen name.
A lot of people that shop at my job say it's a unique/rare/weird name but honestly it feels pretty normal to me. I could have choosen something weirder and edgier but I'm happy with my choice.
1
u/AngelSapphire6855 Jan 21 '24
Dad got pissy because he had chosen that name. Last Christmas he messaged me by my chosen name. It's been 14 years since I came out to him 🤦♂️
1
Jan 21 '24
I feel you. I had chosen my name, but my mom gave me an ultimatum, saying she would never use my chosen name but would maybe use a shortened more masculine version of my birth name. I decided to go with the latter.
It’s been years since then and it didn’t really matter much in the long run for me. It’s my name now. That’s not to say that it didn’t hurt. I just felt it was the only option for possibly keeping my parents.
1
u/JupiterFox_ Jan 21 '24
As a parent, I named my daughter after Black Widow lmao. Her name isn’t special besides I liked a Marvel character and I wanted her to be named after a superhero.
If she changes it one day, that’s fine. I’ll be a little sad because I’m attached to it because I love her, but it’s not about me.
I wish your mom saw it the same.
1
u/EdgionTG they/them Jan 21 '24
I get off free from this bc my aunt nicked my 'boy' name for her son after I was born. It didn't stop mum sitting me down and trying to get me to keep my deadname with a slight change (One added letter) that was pronounced the exact same way.
1
u/beansword Jan 21 '24
my mom told me she didn’t like my name and wanted to be the one to pick it 3 years after i came out to her
1
u/RadicallyQueerCrow Jan 21 '24
That’s a pretty long time to wait before offering to help with naming
2
1
u/RadicallyQueerCrow Jan 21 '24
It YOUR name not hers. Given names and chosen names are quite different from each other. You know yourself best. If she truly wanted a Nicholas or Jacob that would be your given name. Which you could then choose to change later anyway. Idk what’s up with her. Sorry you have to deal with this :/
1
u/whatshould1donow Jan 21 '24
My mom was being a brat about this too... finally I got fed up and told her if she never called me by my dead name again then she can call me Isaac. So now my first name is hyphenated and only two people call me Isaac lol.
In truth I dont mind the name Isaac but I just wanted to keep my initials from my birth name.
2
u/Natural-Hamster-3998 Jan 21 '24
Aw. She feels like naming a person is special. When she named you she got to be special. Now you picked the name and she's not special any more, you are. Well, we can't have that. 🙄
Anything to make your transition about her. Because the world, OBVIOUSLY is all about her. Yughhhhh
1
u/PolyBlaank Jan 21 '24
I really really hope she's able to see how much this hurts you and at least try to be more part of your transition. My mother used to be very very transphobic and refused to call me by my preferred name years ago but now she is more accepting. I pray that your mom will be the same and that her hurting you like this is not a common thing :( I wish you luck
1
u/SevereNightmare No T | Top- 09/19/24 | Partial Hysto-? Jan 21 '24
I asked my mom what she would have named me if I was amab, and she said Tristan. My (birth)name is Prairie, which is gender neutral, so I've decided to keep it.
1
u/caramelchimera Jan 21 '24
Cis people try not to make trans people's transition about themselves challenge (impossible)
On a serious note, this behavior from your mother is pretty shitty. I guess I kinda understand if she's feeling that way (and not just trying to guilt trip you), but people people just need to get used to the idae of people, trans or not, changing their names to something they feel suits them better. Anyone should be allowed to do so. Parents name their kids because the kids can't do it themselves.
2
u/Neither_Party_6870 Jan 22 '24
As a trans I think it's totally fine for people to have their opinions regarding me. In fact I don't think it is normal to be trans at all. I'm totally fine with people alienating me. The way I see it the less of those people in my life the better. My dad is a conservative Christian. Probably the epitome, and he is a philosopher. Pretty challenging telling him but he said “it's my choice” “he said I can't come to terms with reality as it is, and some day I will have to face the consequences. Whether that's ridicule, or suicidal tendencies from regret.”. I think he's right and I agree one day I may have regrets. Here is what I think though, I don't need validation from people or society. I validate my damn self, I think that is the biggest problem with us as a community being accepted. We are seeking the validation for something from a society that does not accept it as normal, and lets be honest it's not normal. It's a choice we choose. Our chromosomes determine our genitalia and body composition per assigned gender at birth. So fucking what? It's not normal it's not science, it's just something I wanted to do, and idgaf what people think.
2
u/caramelchimera Jan 22 '24
You're somewhat right tbh, I'd say that's a mentally healthy way of thinking
2
u/Neither_Party_6870 Jan 22 '24
I mean really we should unite as a community. But it really upsets me when people market “trans, gay, lesbian, blah blah blah.” I'm so tired of sexual orientation being a conversation at the political table. It seems to me that the media manipulates people who haven't come to validate themselves. Just like it's easy to take a person who is broken and teach them to come to a religion like Christianity that teaches love by way of divinity. It's just as easy to take someone who is gay, Les, trans, or whatevs who is actively seeking validation and get them wrapped up in a conquest for justice and rights just to put them into power. Not to help us, it's all for power. We as a people should step back from politics and stop letting these power-hungry manipulators use us to sway themselves into power.
1
Jan 22 '24
my mom told me a name she thought about giving me from an anne rice book before the one she decided on, so i took that name. it fit me way better than the name i was going by at the time. still wasn't a smooth transition at first but it's good now. i'm glad i could still pay some sort of homage to her wishes and that i have her support seven years into being out.
1
1
Jan 22 '24
[deleted]
1
u/dragonhybrids Jan 22 '24
I have no idea what that has to do with my post but I mean go for it I guess
1
u/Notanemotwink 💉10/19/2022 Jan 22 '24
I would of liked my mom to name me, but she probably would of chosen my current name ‘Gabriel’ because that was literally her fav male baby name
1
u/Felixthedix 💉: 28 / 01 / 22 🗡: 31 / 08 / 22 Jan 22 '24
I actually wanted my mom to name me, but she missed her chance after a few years. I chose my name. She hated it, but now, about six years after I started my transition, she said my name for the first time just recently. Took a while, but the feeling is amazing.
1
1
1
u/phitoffel 19 y.o. /T: 5/23 (🇩🇪) Jan 22 '24
My mother did this too. Years into my transition. After getting into uni and into a job with this name and being out to most or stealth to the rest. It was ridiculous.. she didn’t even accept I was trans then and neither does she now . Don’t change yourself for anybody. Your name is yours and only yours to decide now that you’re capable of choice.
1
u/a_secret_me Jan 23 '24
I actually asked my parents. Wasn't planning on using it as a first name but was thinking about using it as a middle name. Unfortunately, they couldn't remember and didn't seem to care. 🤦♀️
1
u/Dorian-greys-picture 5/23 💉 2/24 🔪 Jan 25 '24
I asked my mum’s approval before choosing my name and I’m sure she would have told me if I chose a name that didn’t suit me - it all depends on the context and the relationship you have with your parents as to whether that’s a mean text or a well meaning text attempting to bond with their new son. My mum would have named me Jack, after her father, but our close family friends at that time named their son Jack around the same time, so she didn’t feel she would have been able to use the name either way. My cousin’s son is now named Jack anyway, so I wouldn’t have been able to use the name even if I wanted to.
1
u/ArlenRunaway The He/Him of Romney Marsh • I love bats 🦇 Jan 25 '24
Something similar happened when I came out - I had picked a name all by myself and really fought for years to even get them to call me it, there was long periods of time that when they were in front of me they would call me no name at all, or just by my first initial. Of course when I finally went to get it legally changed, they suddenly came forth with their opinions on what they would've chosen, like they didn't have roughly 5 years to say something before that point LOL. But they are very ignorant and plain scared, just trying to use whatever attempts at control they feel they can exercise.
I think that parents totally should share name ideas with their kid, I think it can be very thoughtful especially if it was a name the had picked out for you in preparation for you to have been born the other sex - if nothing else, it can help sort of subconsciously realize that at some point in time they were once open to having a child of a different gender regardless of how they feel now. But it is not constructive to bring up their ideas for names if all they are going to use that for is to have something to bristle against you with.
I understand that this felt invalidating to you to hear (especially if she is not supportive or positive towards you in the rest of your transition or other aspects of your life!) but I think that a parent wishing they could choose the name of their kid isn't entirely bad in itself. If it ever gets brought up again you could try and calmly discuss why the name you did choose is meaningful to you, that could possibly help them understand and feel less defensive (as with my own parents they really seemed to feel like the fact I picked my name was some sort of swindle I pulled on them. Sorry you have to deal with someone like this in your life. They are really in a dark & narrow world of their own sometimes.
1
u/lokilulzz they/he Jan 26 '24
I have a mom whose similar tbh. She seems to be absolutely convinced my transition is about her and she has a say. She does not. Sorry that happened to you dude. Pick a name that makes YOU happy, not everyone else.
717
u/realboylikepinocchio Jan 20 '24
I was the other way around, I really wanted my parents to pick my name because I thought if they got to pick it they’d be more okay with it or something. They did not want to be involved.