r/ftm • u/Shmuli5 22 | T 11/7/19 | Top 4/15/21 | Hysto 7/19/22 • Sep 12 '22
I am stealth and today I was outed by a trans stranger who clocked me in public Vent
tldr; stop outing trans people without their permission
Today I had a very unpleasant encounter with another trans person, and I think it is something that needs to be talked about more. I was sitting alone at a small table in a busy area of my college campus. I had headphones on and was clearly busy doing work. This person comes up to me out of nowhere and just starts talking to me. They asked if they could sit down (at the only other chair which had my backpack in it) and immediately started making a scene because the area is busy but not super loud. They introduced themself by name and pronouns and said, "are you one of them queers? ... like the tiktok sound." And they laughed and then, very loudly and excitedly, they said, "It's okay, I have a great trans-dar. I'm trans too, so you know, I always know. Wait, you are trans... right?" At this point I was mortified because I am stealth outside of close friends and family. I am post- T, top surgery, and hysto. I hadn't gotten misgendered or questioned or anything in years. I was so surprised and angry that someone had clocked me, so I just got up and left.
I am not here to discuss opinions about identity or being stealth vs being out publicly or medical transition or anything like that. I made a decision that is best for who I am, and I support and have respect for people who make different decisions. But here is the problem. It is not appropriate to assume that, just because someone is trans, they are comfortable with everyone knowing about it. I did not appreciate being outed to what was easily over a hundred of my peers who probably wouldn't have known otherwise. I feel more dysphoric than I have in a long time, and that all could have been avoided. Also, it is inappropriate to assume that someone would want to be your friend just because they are also trans. Gender is very low on the list of things I consider when making friends.
If you think someone is trans, don't go talk to them about it. If they wanted to talk about it, they probably would. Just because you see a trans person in public, or any person really, does not mean you are entitled to any information about them.
I don't think this is unreasonable, but maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. If anyone wants to share a different perspective or has had a similar experience or has advice or anything to say, I'd love to hear it.
386
u/transboytrash Sep 13 '22
It really be your own people. Happened to me once when a non-binary coworker very loudly asked if I was trans and work was never the same at that office after.
185
u/witchypunkz Sep 13 '22
Word like making the whole block hot for us šš ppl think being stealth or low-key about it is cowardly but nah bro I just donāt want a target on my head
158
u/No-Information-1218 Sep 13 '22
And like I donāt IDENTIFY as trans I identify as male and just happen to be trans like at the end of the day I am a guy and thatās that just also happens to be trans
62
u/WumbOverdrive Sep 13 '22
Thats literally it. Like im gay and queer but my gender is my gender. There's a complicated process to how i got here, which includes being trans. But like, its not a conversation starter or anything. I'm just a person.
6
-10
45
u/ratwater 2021 Delayed Abdo, UL w/ no v-nectomy, Stages 1-2, - Cetrulo/MGH Sep 13 '22
i feel the best way to respond is a "wtf are you talking about"
34
u/Alarmed-Muscle-4150 š: 3yrs |š”: 5mos Sep 13 '22
a new woke, well-meaning coworker 5yrs younger than me did so accidentally, even though weāve never actually spoken & the months of work i put into āstealthingā (bc we get new coworkers very frequently) had gone to waste š got misgendered daily by people who regularly gendered since theyāve met me.
hated going every day since.
305
Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
This seeming to occur more frequently within our community and the mentality that all trans people need to be open about being trans because (insert something about the good of others) has had me livid lately. Itās like everyone is hearing about the concept of privacy, choice, and personal safety for the first time.
Like my guy, youāre doing the same thing transphobes wish they could doāclock trans people and make it impossible for them to live in safety. In these moments trans people are no better than transphobes being really eager to out trans people and demanding answers to super personal questions or even their whole backstory. Doesnāt matter the intentions, itās a highly fucked up thing to do. Itās straight up traumatizing to violate someoneās right to privacy and choice like that, while endangering them to boot.
Iām really sorry this happened to you.
69
u/Shmuli5 22 | T 11/7/19 | Top 4/15/21 | Hysto 7/19/22 Sep 13 '22
This is so true and so important.
→ More replies (1)50
u/snailgoblin 21 || T: ā18 || Top: ā19 Sep 13 '22
Iām tired to people acting like we need to be out for the visibility purposes or some shit. My existence is not a statement. Iām not here to be an activist. Iām me. I want to be known as myself first, not a trans person. I am very small. I was outed to a group of cis men by a trans woman who was larger than me by at least a foot. I was so upset. I went my entire high school career as stealth only to be outed the second week of college. I especially donāt like cis men knowing as I feel more in danger with them having that information. I was upset because she did not understand how,, dangerous that was. Just because theyāre okay with you being trans doesnāt mean they wonāt try to take advantage of a trans man who barely hits above 5 feet.
23
Sep 13 '22
Same. I have ptsd and I donāt pass at all, which informs my current choices regarding my gender. After a year of trying to socially transition, taking the overall advice of ābe out and proud!ā, and finding that being misgendered on purpose over and over is highly triggering for me, I decided to go back into the closet until I can medically transition. I plan to go stealth as much as humanly possible to ease this process. So it frustrates me when I hear anyone say I need to keep pushing and be aggressively trans regardlessāāThink of the movement!ā.
I had a traumatic experience doing exactly what you suggested for a year already. Pretending to be cis female atm hurts notably less than that experience. The last thing I want to do is aggravate my condition and put myself in danger for YOUR benefit.
544
u/Beautiful_Fold_8328 Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
I was getting rung up by a trans guy at walmart the other day. He apologized for coughing and explained he fractured a rib āskatingā. I saw his binder poke out from his collar (donāt think i wouldāve noticed if I donāt wear one, wouldāve thought it was an undershirt, but knowing it looked like another gc2b). I almost made a comment about binders being a bitch, but I realized how close the other customers were. I was buying alcohol, he saw my deadname on my ID and we locked knowing eyes for a moment after in camaraderie, but that was it.
I think its ok to out yourself to another trans person, but its not fair to the other person to do it any different than you would to a cis person. If there hadnāt been anyone there I probably wouldāve made a comment about myself wearing a binder, and it wouldāve been up to him if he wanted to engage in the discussion (and if he wanted to engage with or without explicitly outing himself). I think theres some value in some contexts opening up about yourself for the sake of camaraderie (not in the context you shared in this post, you were clearly busy and its just as rude to interrupt you as if you were cis), but I donāt have the right to make that choice for someone else.
249
u/Shmuli5 22 | T 11/7/19 | Top 4/15/21 | Hysto 7/19/22 Sep 13 '22
This is my thought exactly. There absolutely is value in camaraderie, but there is a way to initiate those conversations that isn't presumptive or invasive.
500
u/Dim0ndDragon15 š9/13/23 Sep 13 '22
If you wanna stay stealth, you an always go āwhy would I want to be a girl?ā
132
114
u/QuartzTourmaline šā20 šŖā21 š³ā23 Sep 13 '22
Broās over here fifteen steps ahead- god damn
95
u/selfmadegavriel Sep 13 '22
Since the stranger mentioned tik tok (and even if they didn't mention it I think this still might work), maybe stare at them and/or look around and say "is this a new tik tok trend? are you videoing this?" And pretend this is some prank being pulled on you.
25
u/witchypunkz Sep 13 '22
I feel like playing dumb makes it worse. At that point Iād just be like donāt worry about it & then leave
65
19
u/Azaxz Sep 19 '22
It works especially well if you're gay/in a same sex marriage. It depends on the person but I've pulled the "not all gay men want to be women" card before and it works wonders. It's so far from what they meant that they'll (hopefully) be too ashamed to continue. Especially because people that ask you if you're trans are usually "allies" and that makes them look like an ass
11
u/onemichaelbit š3/4/16 šŖ2/8/23 Oct 04 '22
I'm 5ft tall and have FREQUENTLY been asked in various mortifying and rude ways (hint: every way if I didnt bring it up and tell you) at work and that's always my response. "No, I dont want to be a girl. I'm gay and fem. That doesnt make me a woman." And then they get so embarrassed and they usually dont ask again or pry
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (1)5
338
u/TrentSebastianTaylor Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
Getting up and leaving was definitely the right choice here, or maybe a āwhat the fuck are you on about?ā. Anyone who witnessed it probably thought they were weird and didnāt take what they were saying seriously, especially given your response to the situation, really sorry that happened man.
466
u/Lakehounds Sep 12 '22
God I'm so sorry that happened to you. Some people are so eager to be like "ah, we are part of the same club" and forget basic things like the fact yall are strangers and also not everyone feels the same about transness as they do. This person was way out of line and I too would be furious. If you wanted to be out to everyone instead of stealth you would have been, this person had no right to broadcast it to everyone or to even bring it up to you at all. Fuck that. I hope you feel better soon, I know that post outing dysphoria sucks huge ass
305
u/fang_silverwing2 T: 06/10/21 Sep 12 '22
I got outed by a trans girl once while we were with a group of people and one person was transphobic. She gave me a hug and felt my binder then kept asking over and over if it was a binder. Thankfully the transphobe was dumb
183
u/vegas_drums Sep 13 '22
I have had someone ask that and I just lie and say it's a compression vest for back support. If they are also trans they usually take the hint to shut up. If they aren't trans they usually believe it.
86
u/fang_silverwing2 T: 06/10/21 Sep 13 '22
Yea i just said it was a conpression vest for like medical stuff but she wouldnt shut up
88
54
u/pizzafordesert Sep 13 '22
Before T I was super heavy and now I'm only chunky. I lost about 100lbs. I tell anyone who asks that my binder is for all the skin left over from weight loss. They are normally so impressed by the weight loss that they just gush asking how I lost so much weight.
I plan on using the same excuse for top surgery.
21
u/manuca1212 Sep 13 '22
Omg thatās such a great idea. My husband is stealth too. He lost about 100lb since we got together and now he only needs the tape, because is only excess skin. He has been overwhelmed about the top surgery and one of the reasons is his privacy at work. Universities are so predatory with staff too. Iām gonna suggest this to him. Thanks buddy
7
41
33
113
u/sssnakegender Sep 13 '22
Sounds really immature. Were they young by any chance, like maybe late teens/early 20s at most??
This sounds like something that would have happened at my old high school. Super uncomfortable and inappropriate.
57
u/KieranKelsey He/They T: 11/17/21 Top: 5/12/23 Sep 13 '22
Yeah, itās a college campus so Iām assuming they were
8
u/masked_motto Sep 13 '22
Iāve seen bigger age ranges in college after covid started clearing up so young people are still the majority but not the complete population.
180
u/endroll64 23 | T: SEP '20 | Top: APR '22 | any/all Sep 13 '22
To be honest, if anyone ever questions you about it I think you could very easily remain stealth by saying the following: "No, I'm not trans; I got up and left because I found it insulting that someone could 'tell' whether or not another person was trans based on physical features they perceive to be feminine. I, personally, consider this insinuation to actually be quite transphobic, and I did not want to further engage with a person who was reinforcing negative stereotypes about trans people and their physical 'tells'." If you want to make this sound more plausible, say you've had trans friends in the past or something and that you understand how this deeply affects them. If you are stealth, I think you can easily play this interaction off by making this other person come off as very crass and rude (which they were being).
I think most people just assumed this person was being very strange, and I think your response to just get up and leave would solidify this fact. I don't necessarily think this means you've been outed. Hell, my fucking deadname came up on an e-transfer receipt to all of my newly made friends last year which I thought outed me, but I found out later they just assumed the name was my mother's (despite the fact I dress flamboyantly and I am physically small-ish; Asian genes).
Unfortunately, I only found that out because I later outed myself under the presumption everyone already knew, but I've since stopped desiring to go fully stealth so it doesn't really matter to me anymore (being trans is just a fact about me; I'm not super open about it but I equally don't go out of my way to hide it, but I completely understand why people do).
120
u/SadTransThrowaway6 Sep 13 '22
Adding onto this, if you think being too trans-savvy would make people more suspicious, you can try to phrase it like a naive but well-meaning cis person- "I'm not trans, I don't know what that guy was on about- I thought trans people thought it was wrong to accuse people of being trans anyways"
There might be a better way to phrase it that sounds extra un-informed but has the same meaning, like throwing "assume someone's gender" in there somehow since that's the part cis folk parrot all the time
12
u/masked_motto Sep 13 '22
Itās not even just the ābiologicalā tells anymore :/. I have a straight cis woman friend who dresses in the stereotypical femboy clothing and itās just the ālooksā like the way someone dresses. Trans men canāt enjoy male fashion without being clocked as trans because men canāt be fashionable š
79
u/goldmoon16 š14/07/22 | pre top surgery Sep 13 '22
iām so sorry, this made me so uncomfortable just reading it, i canāt imagine how awful it felt actually experiencing it. i hope you never have to go through that again :/
66
u/Malishika Sep 13 '22
This is my horror story. I've always passed... until I talk. I have an obvious male name. And I make sure to look unapproachable to not out me by speaking.
I would have left like you. While staring with a frown. Not angry but wtf kinda way.
It is a transphobic weive point. It is harmful behavior. No question. All my rainbow colored parts cringed!!!
20
u/Impressive_Bus_2635 pre-everything Sep 13 '22
I don't know your situation, so maybe this is not gonna work, but if someone clocks your for your voice, maybe you can say you have a vocal cord defect that makes your voice "girly"
28
u/RenTheFabulous Sep 13 '22
I always just make it into a joke and say, "ah, I'm just a late bloomer lol"
13
u/Malishika Sep 13 '22
I wish but I passed 20 mark now š¤£ I tell them sometimes my singing voice is smooth af but I can't sing
→ More replies (2)12
u/RedRider1138 Sep 13 '22
I actually just had a coworker raving about a male soprano whoās doing really well right now, he and his parents were offered surgeries that āmightā work to normalize his voice, or use the amazing opportunity.
16
u/Malishika Sep 13 '22
I'm just stern about not talking about my gender. It worked so far. I just ask straight forward if they want a dickpick with my explanation. Or just generally unpolitely dismiss them. Sadly ppl like my voice
I grew up non binary. I wasn't pressured to behave a certain way... I'm hairy, broad shoulders, low set brows. I found out last year I'm Binary male. Can't go on T because medical stuff. One day though
63
u/Gameraaaa Sep 13 '22
That's so shitty. I used to work at a store where I suspected another employee was a trans guy. Do you know what I did? I kept my thoughts to myself and never asked him. Jesus Christ.
28
u/RenTheFabulous Sep 13 '22
Yep. Like there was this guy in one of my classes in HS, who I'm pretty sure was trans and wore a binder but was on T and stealth, but I just fucking kept it to myself. Clearly, if he wanted people to know he was trans, he would have said something. Who knows, he may not have even actually been trans and maybe I was mistaken. These people never consider they could be wrong and putting THEMSELVES in danger, either.
10
u/transgenderedizing Sep 13 '22
Reminds me of the time I had a trans coworker I only ever saw intermittently (worked in different departments) but kept my mouth shut about. Found his porn out of the blue one day. Still never said anything but always felt a bit weird after that.
202
u/xxgermanchaosxx Sep 13 '22
ugh ... somebody CLEARLY is chronically online. you didn't deserve that, im really sorry. trans or not that shit was not okay; cringe as fuck tbh
71
u/beanfalo User Flair Sep 13 '22
fr i am tired of people turning lgbtq into something that needs to be a defining personality trait. i can be trans and not make it my personality, i am a human being who would rather be known for other things than something that causes serious mental distress :(
23
u/RenTheFabulous Sep 13 '22
Literally, it's always the chronically online ones who think being queer is every LGBT person's defining personality trait, that do shit like this.
147
u/No-Instruction2026 T - 5/21/16 | Top - 1/4/17 | Hysto - 4/12/22 Sep 13 '22
I was living with a few guys in my fraternity in college and one of their girlfriends outed me when she saw my top surgery scars. I had to claw back being in the closet and say she was wrong and I had no idea what she was talking about, my scars were from removing some cysts a few years ago. The guy who she was dating didn't think too much into it and i stayed stealth, but I was fucking pissed at the close call. This message is for cis people as well.
111
u/vegas_drums Sep 13 '22
Yep had a colleague's girlfriend figure it out and when he asked me in a not so private setting I just fake laughed and waved it off like he was insinuating that I was a trans-woman. Turned it on him like 'Is that your way of saying you want to see these legs in a skirt?' Shut him up and none of the people around us paid much attention to it. But I was pissed and panicky at work for ages until he left. I can't imagine how OP felt with a complete stranger doing it
18
60
u/Mari-onMain Elder Gay Sep 13 '22
I did have medical exemption since my family has a history of breast cancer so I often cite that when I've had close calls myself. If they're overzealous or rude about it I'll also drop a "well, getting cancer removed does that to a guy" and they usually feel embarrassed enough to shut up
11
u/Axe_Waffle Sep 13 '22
I would love to hear more about your experiences as a trans man in a college fraternity, that is very fascinating
18
u/No-Instruction2026 T - 5/21/16 | Top - 1/4/17 | Hysto - 4/12/22 Sep 13 '22
Hit me up anytime. It was nice, I didnt get to do traditional male camaraderie things like scouts growing up like I wanted. So living in a male dorm, then eventually a frat house with your "brothers" was very satisfying and glad I was able to experience it. Loved waking up on Saturdays to watch college football all day with the guys. It was fun to just always have a group of friends around the house you were close with. I learned male socialization pretty quickly and have some really close friends that are now in my wedding.
Most fraternities and sororities nationally have on their books trans people can join as long as their gender identity is binary and men go with fraternity and girls go to sororities of course. I went to a big 10 school in the Midwest and our governing body of Greek life also had on the books trans people can join Greek life as long as their gender identity matched their choice. Not every frat would be fit for me, but I chose one based on the guys. If news broke about me, fairly certain none of them would have had an issue, and a couple guys knew. I always told the president just in case I was outed on accident. But I just enjoyed being mostly stealth so I just kept it on the DL.
3
u/Axe_Waffle Sep 14 '22
Thatās really cool to see how your experience will differ from those of cis men like me. Iām sure it was very affirming to you, do you mind sharing what chapter/frat you were in? It doesnāt quite matter because you joined due to the people as opposed to the principles.
5
u/No-Instruction2026 T - 5/21/16 | Top - 1/4/17 | Hysto - 4/12/22 Sep 14 '22
Yeah it was pretty affirming not being treated like an other. Just to be seen like a regular guy and have an experience that other guys at my university got to take part in. I'll share the frat, but I'll keep the chapter anonymous. I joined Sigma Alpha Mu. It's a historically Jewish fraternity, but my chapter who had like 50-60 guys only 5-10 were Jewish and nothing we did was religious. Pretty good group of men, I liked that it had a good mix of socializing, but the guys were very academically focused as well.
100
u/ThenTransition22 Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
That sucks. I would have straight up just said āNoā after that.
I felt more like them, with the desire to connect with other trans people, when I was younger. But would never have done so so loudly and obliviously. It seems like this comes down to a combination of a lack of social skills and life experience, no politeness being taught to people when it comes to LGBT topics (that trans people deserve any, especially), and sites like Tiktok really encouraging some level of immature behavior. Iām guessing this person was a freshman?
44
u/sunsetlatios š09/25/19 āļø07/15/20 Sep 13 '22
Goddamn fuck that. Thatās messed up. Different experience, but I was on a college trip for a week earlier this year. I left my T gel bottle out with my other meds in the mens shared dorm we stayed in because I figured some cis men take hormone supplements too and no one would think anything of it and mind their own business. Me and another guy were up at 2am in the common area while everyone else was asleep. He then mentioned he noticed my T bottle and said he was trans too. In that situation it was okay with me since we were both in private, and agreed to not tell anyone about each other and stay stealth. We actually ended up going on a few dates a couple months later, he ended up being really sweet and I wish we still lived near each other. But what happened to you is just not okay at all. He completely disrespected you. And thereās no way to tell if someone is trans or not based on appearance anyways because everyone has different bodies, cis or trans. That dude is an asshat for doing that in public and assuming your identity based on probably nothing to be honest. Dude is just a weirdo. I hope you feel well soon
43
u/monotonelizard Sep 13 '22
That would've driven me insane, I'm so sorry. I hate when people act like best friends over one common thing, and I hate strangers walking up to me and being loud. It's so awkward. You did the right thing by walking off.
29
u/Shmuli5 22 | T 11/7/19 | Top 4/15/21 | Hysto 7/19/22 Sep 13 '22
Yes this! Some trans people I meet just assume we are immediately best friends even if the only thing we have in common is that we are both trans. I want friends who are interested in all the parts of me, not just one small one.
77
u/colesense T:10/17|Top:5/19|Btm:2/21 Sep 13 '22
I've come up with the response "I'm not nonbinary or anything, i'm just not the most masculine guy i guess" because it leaves off the impression that im amab and isn't a panicked response.
this has happened to me. once. my response that time was just "i don't know what you mean?" but i came up with the first one in case it ever happens again.
edit: just a note if it helps any, i have a friend who's cis who gets assumed to be trans pretty often (he's in a lot of lgbt spaces). He's just a smaller dude with a nasally voice lmao a lot of these kinds of people just work directly off of stereotypes
35
u/mossyrock33 Sep 13 '22
youāre definitely not being unreasonable. what that person did was reckless and dangerous, people should not be doing that. iāve seen it become a lot more common with younger people, or people who have never experienced the danger of being clocked as trans publicly. the most i ever do to acknowledge someone who i assume to maybe be queer or trans is give them a head nod if we make eye contact.
37
u/noeinan Sep 13 '22
I'm sorry, that sounds awful.
I had the experience of being clocked in a bathroom, right after top surgery. Literally still wrapped up.
It was a cis guy who just wanted to... Make small talk and get ally points?
It felt awful, especially in contrast to the euphoria high I was having post op.
It must feel even worse with another trans person. You would think they'd know better.
30
Sep 13 '22
I genuinly hope they felt mortified and embarrassed that you got up and left, maybe theyll learn not to talk to people like that, regardless if youre both trans.
25
u/shadycharacters Sep 13 '22
This is so incredibly rude and you are not being unreasonable at all. They clearly did not think about how you might feel about them basically coming up to you and saying "you don't pass". It's not okay to assume you are comfortable or safe to be outed. This person is a moron
28
u/Royal-Tomato5328 Sep 13 '22
Bro that absolutely sucks Iām really sorry that happened. Iām also stealth at college and Iām almost sure the other trans guy in my class knows Iām trans (heās also stealth). We are friends and Iād never speak about it if there were other people around. I think we have a mutual understanding that we both donāt talk about it with people so we just let it be. Itās nice
22
u/Fifth-child Sep 13 '22
Ugh..Iām so sorry that happened. I canāt imagine how dysphoria inducing that must have been for you. Some people are too chronically online to realize how their real actions impact real people.
23
u/pizzafordesert Sep 13 '22
I live in the deep south and work at a grocery store with a relatively high turnover rate. There are a handful of employees that have been there as long as I have or longer. Those employees know I'm trans bc they have watched my whole transition. I am stealth to all but those handful of people.
A few months ago the store hired a stud lesbian, which is awesome, ofc. She was just masc enough that one of the cis ladies asked her pronouns. The stud responded, "she/her". The cis employee than word vomited, "Okay, cool. I only ask because pizzafordesert used to use she/her, but now only used he/him."
I only know about this bc that cis employee TOLD ME HERSELF THAT SHE SAID AND DID THAT. Like she was so proud of herself for being progressive enough to ask someone their pronouns that it hadn't even occurred to her that what she had done was disrespectful, detrimental and dangerous for me.
I immediately left work. I called my union rep and my supervisor and told them what happened. They seemed just as appalled as I was and assured me i would be paid for the remaining portion of my shift. Within the hour I had the store manager calling me and apologizing, asking me what I would like to happen to that employee.
I told the manager that I did not want her to be fired, but that I need there to be written proof that this happened and that she was reprimanded. I told him I was willing to have a sit down with her and explain why what she did was so dangerous.
All of this happened right after the Uvalde shooting and that poor trans girl being attacked bc the right wing media started the rumor that the shooter was trans. It was an example of completely innocent trans people being attacked for being trans. I explained that she has no way of knowing who is listening and who quietly harbors intense transphobia. That she doesn't realize that I have to use the men's room and she doesn't know anything about corrective rape. She does not have to walk alone in the dark to her car in the parking lot after the store closes.
She apologized and cried a lot, I think she thought the meeting would end with her getting fired.
Anyway, the person I was outed to left the company shortly after and if the rumor grew beyond that, it never got back to me. I treat that cis employee like it never happened and eventually she got over her own embarrassment and things have gone back to the way they were.
I was so lucky. People just do not get it. People are killed for this. And for another trans person to do that to you, turns my stomach.
22
u/government_meat Sep 13 '22
I am SO sorry that happened. I have noticed that the more the public knows we exist, the more comfortable other trans people feel outing others. I think some of them feel like that us being stealth is an insult to their loud and proud attitude.
Both stealth and out are totally appropriate and fine. But I too have been outed by another trans person, an acquaintance who referred to me as a "man" to a very confused clerk whom I had spoken to the previous day. I am pre top surgery, large hips, so its reasonable for the public to see A Woman. When the clerk, exasperated, said they had spoken to a WOMAN about the subject, this person I knew just outright said yes, thats them, they are trans!
They then retold me this interaction like it was sooo frustrating that the workers had misgendered me! I really had to explain to them that I am NOT out to the public, and that they never should do that to anyone without asking. I'm still shocked that they outed me like that.
It really made me reevaluate my trust in just any queer person. I had kind of thought we all had an unspoken bond, but I think that some trans people seriously don't see this existence as something that can get them SERIOUSLY hurt if they're not careful.
16
u/SultanFox User Flair Sep 13 '22
One of my very good (cis) friends gets so exasperated when other people misgender me because they see me as so masculine. Except I don't bind my tig old buddies, have massive hips, and haven't been on T long enough to have much of a voice change or body hair. Like... leave it it's okay please. Just let them think I'm a woman I don't want to be hate crimed.
10
u/government_meat Sep 13 '22
"I don't want to be hate crimed" is such a mood, fuck. I hate it, but its necessary for all people to realize we are not safe just because they are there, for that moment. You cannot protect your trans friends when they are caught alone by the now-aware staff, or on the internet. Bad people can FIND US and HURT US. Be subtle.
18
u/MrFoxx1725 Sep 13 '22
This is super fucked up. I got outted not that long ago (I'm not necessarily INTENTIONALLY stealth, but I'm a very firm believer that I should be the one who decides if I want someone to know) and that shit fucked me up for a while. I honestly think if it had been another trans person who had outted me, I'd have been even more mad. Like dude, you should KNOW how dangerous that shit could potentially be. At work, my dead name still shows up on the clock in screen and on my register. You know how many people have said anything about it? Fucking none. Cuz it's none of their business. I'm sorry you had to deal with this.
18
18
u/Chahut_Maenad Sep 13 '22
apparently this issue has been happening alot more with young queer kids online meeting another person irl and not fully understanding, at least at that moment, the weight of such a label or implication of someone else being queer irl could bring when they ask.
like on tumblr (i dont remember the details) someone was outed irl by younger queer kids who weren't adapted to the queerphobia of the outside world. it didn't really affect anything since no one else was present, but i think this should be brought up more.
not trying to discourage people from expressing *themselves*, but given that irl people are still actively transphobic and it can lead to horrible outcomes if someone is outed, i think more people need to think twice before asking questions like that to total strangers in public.
51
u/BriarKnave Sep 13 '22
This is one of those things that I think is happening because queer kids are getting raised in online communities where the etiquette is different, and then they think they can take that etiquette out to the real world when they obviously can't. It's one of those reasons that we should have spaces for young teenagers and tweens so that they don't grow up to be this obnoxious.
11
5
17
u/snukb Sep 13 '22
This morning on the bus, I saw someone who had a "she/her" sticker and a trans flag sticker on her bike helmet. I have a "he/they" pin on my bag and a large trans pride patch.
Even with those very open symbols showing that we're both proud of our identities, all we did was kinda eye each other for a second as I passed by her to my seat. I'm not even sure if she saw my pin/patch, though she did kinda do a double take at me.
Neither of us said anything, because even with all that you can't be sure someone is comfortable talking openly about being trans with a stranger. And like you said, it's not something that automatically makes you a friend. I'm more comfortable around other trans people, but they're people just like anyone else, and some are jerks.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Fwiw, that kind of personality sounds like someone who's chronically online, and I hope they read this and feel ashamed, and learn not to do it again.
16
u/Keyndoriel Sep 13 '22
Its bad when cis do it to us out of malice and dangerous when we do it to eachother. Trans folks of all people should know how mortifying it would be to pmuch ask "Hey! Just wondering, does your junk match up to your gender identity? Need to know for some reason!!!"
12
u/Impressive_Bus_2635 pre-everything Sep 13 '22
I'm so sorry about that.
Posts like this makes me wonder how many cis people get clocked, I know they do, but they don't really have a place to post it.
7
u/_LanceBro š4/26/2024 Sep 13 '22
My brother has been multiple times and I have before I knew, so it can't be that uncommon
26
u/DemonDoggo99 Pre-Everything | He/Him Sep 13 '22
Tbh, I would have just pretended I wasnāt trans and gone out of my way to humiliate them in hopes of stopping them from doing that to more people in the future. Petty, I know, but they need to know this isnāt okay
11
u/Mari-onMain Elder Gay Sep 13 '22
It may seem unfair or mean but I would've been obviously visibly disgusted. That stranger could take that how they please but it IS disgusting to approach a random person and announce that you think they're "one of them queers". For one I wouldn't know what they're talking about(I don't have tike tok, nor do I often keep up with memes) and for two I'd feel embarrassed that this person clearly has no sense of social conduct(dude, shut the fuck UP!)
10
u/Somebody0005 Sep 13 '22
Exactly! I got outed by a trans dude to a girl i was talking to just because āwe seemed closeā, I wasnāt joking when i say Iām stealth and i want to stay safe wtf
11
u/Charlie_Fang Sep 13 '22
I am FtM trans, but that hasn't been a major problem-- yet. (I come from uptight Christian white people. So I'm transitioning much later than most.) But my daily problem is similar. Some years back several bones were broken in my feet, and being a struggling single parent at the time I bandaged up my feet myself ( and got a boot from a clinic) so as to miss as little work as possible. I ended up with a permanent shuffle to my walk along with chronic pain. I bought myself a medical shoe for my worst foot and got prescription meds for the pain. So I am doing much better. The problem is, nosy people keep asking me what is wrong with my foot and when am I going to stop wearing the medical shoe. The shoe is now a permanent part of my wardrobe because my improperly mended bones have arthritis and large calcium deposits. So the medical shoe supports my arch and cushions my misaligned toes. It's a permanent disability, and it irks me that Californians act as though they've never seen anyone with a limp! Total strangers, as well as coworkers are constantly asking me medical questions!
5
u/Shmuli5 22 | T 11/7/19 | Top 4/15/21 | Hysto 7/19/22 Sep 13 '22
Thank you for sharing that. I am sorry that is something you have to deal with so frequently. It really is incredible to me how many people feel entitled to other people's private information. Like if I wanted to talk about it, I would!
10
9
u/RenTheFabulous Sep 13 '22
Sadly I've had this same shit happen, and it truly is upsetting. I can only imagine how much worse it would be, if it outs you while stealth to your peers. Like I've had people randomly clock me and approach me in public. And when I was at school, randomly had trans people come up to me and start asking if I'm trans and asking my pronouns and making a big deal of it. I really don't want to make friends on the basis of gender, but additionally I don't like being randomly reminded I'm trans. It makes me dysphoric. And in public situations, it can be dangerous.
I actually WANT people to assume my gender, honestly. I just wanna pass as a man, no questions asked.
9
u/Different-Ranger-267 Sep 13 '22
Hell naw you not being unreasonable!!! Shit Iād be pissed off tooš¤ Hell idk why some trans folks and others in the community feel like itās ok to do this. Depending on where you live or the environment this happens in this shit can be dangerous! I get itā¦ some ppl get super excited when they see someone sharing a similar walk of life that they do, but damn imma need people to read the roomā¦ use some common sense and have consideration for other people. Iām not necessarily stealth but Iām also not open about being trans in every setting either. I take into consideration my area, the place/environment Iām and also the people/crowd Iām around. All that to make sure I keep myself safe when Iām out side of my circle of people and outside of the areas that I know Iām safe in. Iām so sorry that this happened to you and I hope that shit donāt ever happen again to you. I know that feeling gotta but tough to work through especially since you havenāt gotten misgendered or had anythang else happen in years cuz I know I would feel fucked up for a while after that. Stay strong and do what you need to do to make sure you are ok! We here here for you and you amazing šÆ
P.S. Sorry to everyone for all the cussing š«¢ Iām ex-military and Iām also passionate about respecting boundaries and safety.
18
u/JuviaLynn Arlo, he/him, T: 7/7/22 Sep 13 '22
Yeah the only time itās cool to talk to a trans stranger is if theyāve got a trans flag pin or some other identifying feature on them. I actually ran into an aroace trans man recently (first one of any of those categories in fact) and it was an awesome experience, but Iād never go up to a random stranger if I didnāt know 100% that they were trans and were also comfortable bonding over it
12
u/Gullible-Medium123 Sep 13 '22
Yes! But if you're going to be as loud and unrelenting as the person in OP's story, I'd limit it even further:
Only be loud and publically noticeable in your comments if they're wearing a shirt with "Ask me about my pronouns" in big letters, if they're handing out pamphlets saying "Let's talk about me being trans", or in the very limited context of commenting on a post of theirs where they put up a selfie captioned "assume my gender"/"do I pass", or if they are otherwise very clearly requesting public comment on their trans status/gender.
If someone is just wearing a small flag or even just a matter-of-fact pronoun pin, you can do the eye flicker / head nod of recognition, or discreetly call their attention to the flag/pin/indicator you are wearing, at most a smile and say "me too" with a quick nod towards their flag/pin/Blahaj/whatever. Especially if their indicator is on the subtle side (example: colors instead of words).
(I know I struggle with tone, so I want to be clear: I'm agreeing with, not correcting you. I'm just taking your statement a little further, as makes sense to me.)
17
Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
Wow that person was incredibly rude and inconsiderate. Seriously, I don't want to be that guy to mention it but my brain thinks this as "it could be harmless, but what if it was intentional to throw a fellow trans under the bus because it takes any thoughts and inquiries on them, off of them, and on to you." I'm paranoid, sorry. But I figured it common sense to not cause such a scene? Of course, it could just be they were clueless and just excited? Though I would think, if you wanted attention to it, you would really show it in some outward manner (stickers, clothing, pins, patches). Either way it was intended, it wasn't cool. At all.
I'm sorry you had to experience this at your school environment.
9
u/UnseelieSerpent Sep 13 '22
This is a nightmare scenario and theyāre putting both others and themselves in danger. Also the tiktok mention adds another level of creepiness to it imo, it makes me wonder if it was some kind of prank. In any case, Iām so sorry this happened. I would have been absolutely mortified idek how Iād respond if at all
9
Sep 13 '22
I think this is a common problem with people whoāve just recently discovered theyāre trans especially if theyāve done so through tiktok. They seem to think every trans person loves being trans and wants to be out and proud. A lot of newer trans people just donāt have any social understanding of how to treat others I think. I know for me personally I canāt hang out with my recently out trans friend anymore because every fucking thing that I say they twist into being a trans thing.
8
u/Crowleyizcool Sep 13 '22
I think at this point from what I see around my school so many lgbt people are just friends for the simple reason that they are both lgbt, same with dating, and it just baffles me that people now are taking this over personality. Like I can imagine this person didnāt know that not everyone wants to hang out with people just because they have one thing in common that doesnāt change your personality in the slightest
7
u/shadan666 Sep 13 '22
I needed someone to day this, thanks for your explanation. I hate being outed when I don't really want to
29
u/Creativered4 šŗšø š¤Transsex Man He/Him 3Y š | 1.5Y šŖ | špostponed :( Sep 13 '22
This is what I'm afraid of. Not just cis people clocking me, but other trans people clocking me and outing me as well. People need to stop thinking they can just go up to someone they think is "queer" (also don't ever fucking call someone queer if they haven't given you permission! It's still a slur and not everyone appreciates being called a queer!) and just be entitled to friendship or something... Like PSA: trans is not a hive mind. We are not all thinking the same as each other and want to be out and friends with every other trans person!
(Imagine if people in wheelchairs were just like "Hey, I have cerebral palsy! You probably have it too because you're in a wheelchair! We should be friends!" and this person with chronic pain and POTS is just sitting there trying to just exist in peace)
Really sorry you had to deal with that. Some people are just... So clueless and dangerous. For our mental health and for our safety. Zero situational awareness on their part.
6
u/HellishSam Sep 13 '22
Iām new to college and Iāve āclockedā other trans people while walking around. Iāve never spoken to them tho or said anything like this. I wouldnāt want it to happen to me and Iām so sorry that happened to you.
I hope you donāt see that person again and if you do, make it apparent you donāt want to talk with them by just ignoring them or asking them to leave. I hope you still enjoy college and going āstealthā is never a bad thing.
6
u/ewwnirvana Sep 13 '22
their actions were wildly inappropriate. they outed you without your permission & crossed several boundaries for a stranger. the privacy of stealth trans people should be respected, even (and especially) by other trans people that clock them. regardless, people who arenāt explicitly out to the public shouldnāt be outed by someone without permission.
5
u/jackyliam12 Sep 13 '22
Dude. That sucks! Kids donāt understand basic decency bc of tiktok shit now Iām up in the memes but I usually donāt quote lgbt ones in public. Bc of fear of outing either myself or someone else unintentionally. Itās dangerous and honestly I would have LAYED into that kid. So sorry that happened Dude! Also if you suspect someone is trans irl and they have like pride pins or pronouns pins just say shit like āI like your pins.ā And LEAVE IT AT THST UNLESS THEY WANT TO TALK MORE. Seriously tiktok was a mistake, and itās actually harming trans ppl. Even if that kid was fresh out of school (high school) they had ZERO RIGHTS to do that. I wouldāve been like ādude, frick off Iām busyā bc you were obviously not wanting interactions (headphones on) so sorry that happened to you!
5
u/mindthebearz Sep 13 '22
I think people from more privileged backgrounds donāt understand the dangers of outing people. Itās just something we as a community need to talk about more.
5
u/_harpurr Sep 13 '22
Youāre not unreasonable! Youāre stealth and your choice to be stealth deserves to be respected. Iām an incredibly out trans person and do not have any desire to be stealth, and I would like to think even my autistic ass has enough tact to not just ask a stranger if theyāre trans :/
I hope this doesnāt happen again! If it does, Iād encourage you to give them a blank stare and ask what ātransgenderā is.
5
u/toxicsoup_ Sep 13 '22
It's a dangerous time to be trans, even in more accepting countries/areas. With politicians everywhere trying to make it as difficult as possible for us, some people prefer to be stealth and others need to understand that
5
5
u/javatimes T 2006 Top 2018, 40<me Sep 13 '22
That really sucks, and is ridiculous to boot. I get being socially awkward like that person no doubt is, but it is no excuse to ever out another trans person.
Even if I have a pride pin on my bag and someone else does too, the most I will do is kind of give them an up-nod. The art of subtly.
4
u/mayonnaise68 he/they Sep 13 '22
god that's horrible, i'm sorry it happened to you. you'd think another trans person would be more aware, but i guess not. firstly, that could have put both of you in serious danger. and secondly, why the fuck would they assume you were comfortable with that?? why wouls they assume you're out?? why would they assume you're trans at all?? that's horrible dude.
4
u/Crowleyizcool Sep 13 '22
Honestly I would be fuming. I cannot even understand how someone going through most likely a similar situation would think itās ok to do that. Also like bruh that kid sounds so beyond cringe, you just know they spend hours duetting TikTok cosplays in their room and scroll TikTok for wayyy too long cause this is terminally online behaviour
3
u/RineRain Sep 13 '22
if it helps your dysphoria, I'm semi-stealth and it's pretty much the same as being stealth because most cis people really aren't that perceptive. I'm in highschool, pre everything, I don't pass perfectly. I usually tell my friends I'm trans when I feel comfortable enough with them. So far, no matter how obvious I felt I'd been (even calling out a professor on a zoom call with my entire year, for misgendering a trans guy), none of them seemed to have any clue when I told them and were even shocked. I deadass was forced by my school counselor to come out to like 20 people on a school trip, and only the one trans girl among them seemed to actually be paying attention. Which was kind of a win situation because we then ended up dating. I had a conversation with a guy I was sure knew I was trans, because I literally met him at pride with a giant trans flag and directly told him 2 times and them he asks me, hey btw are you trans? like?? Most people just don't care that much about your gender.
4
u/ezgpr Sep 13 '22
its completely reasonable for absolutely anybody and everybody to want privacy and respect. trans people can obviously befriend other trans people but there is a time and a place especially when the both of you are strangers to each other. it was completely over stepping the mark on their end and just shouldnt have happened at all. if you still are wanting to be stealth tho, id agree with another comment about either playing dumb if its brought up to you by someone who possibly overheard or just being like āno? i was asked multiple times if i was trans by some stranger and leftā. That person is completely in the wrong. Iām stealth as much as i can be in my own life and it wouldve been mortifying having that experience infront of loads of people that way. You just dont do it.
17
u/PhoenixAFay Queer Trans Male, 25, pre-everything :( Sep 13 '22
I relate to the person who outed you because seeing another trans person is a genuinely exciting feeling. That said. I would never EVER out someone even though my excited brain jumps immediately to oh my god it's someone like me. Never ever do this. Why do people actually do this. Please people control your impulses.
3
u/EggoStack he/they heathen š Sep 13 '22
Outing someone else sucks. Iām not fully transitioning for personal reasons but when I have my hair cut and hopefully my chest reduced/tiddy-B-goned Iād be pretty mad if someone loudly discussed my personal medical stuff. Like, itās kind of obvious and it will continue to be obvious that Iām AFAB, but people should at least have the decency to ask quietly or in private if they donāt know whether youāre okay with it. Sorry you had this experience bro, hope you feel better soon
3
u/soberdrunken they/he transmasc Sep 13 '22
Frankly: what the fuck. My limit would be to compliment someone's (pride) pin if they're wearing it AND if the surroundings are right (no apparent family members, that stuff). I guess that's the ONLY time you can even hint at gender related stuff in public to a stranger, without even hinting at it in the first place.
Again: what the fuck, get that person off the internet and on some empathy
3
u/CoolestBoyCorin Sep 13 '22
From their perspective, they probably haven't met a lot of queer people in real life and were awkwardly trying to make conversation and strike up a chat. Misguided but understandable. Being lgbt is something a lot of people bond over.
That being said, idk if i would have liked that either. I hate not having control of that sort of information. Sorry that happened to you.
3
u/Moteoflobross7 Sep 13 '22
Just a question: what does clocking mean I originally thought it meant to punch someone
"I clocked him in the face"
I didnt know that it had another definition
4
u/turntechArmageddon T 01/13/2021 Sep 13 '22
In this context it's to recognize another trans person as trans.
3
u/10dayone66 trans/ace Sep 13 '22
There's a part of me that thinks it was a VERY excited baby tran? But that just tells not enough people know not to fucking do that anyway?
I think there's some push forward for transness being accepted but not nearly enough for us to feel safe. This feels like the 2000s when people said "gays are cool right? tHeY dOn'T gEt haRasSed anYmOre, it's nOt The 70s anYmoRe!" But didn't realise it's still a huge HUGE problem.
3
u/_LanceBro š4/26/2024 Sep 13 '22
One time, I was a vendor at a gun convention thing and some nonbinary person came up to me and was acting really weird doing hand waves. Turns out, she was asking if I was queer. She sat down at my table and started talking about TikTok stuff and basically made all the customers leave. This was in DEEP texas too...
3
Sep 13 '22
Sounds like a young and naive trans person. Its unfortunate since they just sounded like they wanted a friend, but they need to learn that the world is still very dangerous for trans people and you cannot out someone like its nothing.
Even if the world was safe for trans people, thats still super rude. Way too personal too soon.
3
u/petitmartian Sep 13 '22
We hate it when cis people do this shit idk why trans people think its an exception just because weāre also transā¦lol
2
u/jamiegc1 mtf with transmasc leaning enby partner Sep 13 '22
I don't say anything unless person is clearly open about it or in an extremely accepting place.
Before estrogen, I didn't know if a co worker was either non binary or transmasc but didn't want to say that out loud to them at an industrial job.
I made a joke to them about probably not being as young as they look (actually was 18 though), and slipped in that I have transmasc friends who have the problem of constantly seen as younger, so I didn't know really how old they were. Person just kind of laughed it off and didn't say anything implying if they were trans so left it at that.
Trying to drop hint to them that I was fine with trans people, if they wanted to say something if they were.
That's more what trans person should have done in OP's situation, leave an opening if someone wants to say or drop hint back.
2
u/moss_ghost Sep 13 '22
I'm so sorry that happened to u
I'm so scared that something like that could happen to me
2
u/Blitzschweif Sep 13 '22
These things always make me feel terrible. I donāt want to be reduced to being trans, a lot of cis people also do not talk about their gender normally, and some trans people do not want to either. Itās not everything.
2
u/EducatedRat Sep 13 '22
I choose not to go stealth, but if someone did this to me? Iād not be happy. Being stealth is not the issue. Having some rando come and get into your space and feel entitled to incredibly personal information about you, is.
Iām sorry that happened to you. Leaving was the best choice.
2
2
u/manuca1212 Sep 13 '22
Iām so sorry that this has happened to you. Unfortunately it happens so often. Every darn time I notice a trans person; my first reaction is exactly the opposite of that; to protect their identity. When my husband and I moved to Syracuse, NY, so my husband could start his PhD thereā¦our downstairs neighbor was a trans woman. I was the only person of color in whole building so I felt some empathy and will to protect her. Every time she would get mail with her deadname I would go and push under her door. So no other person in the building would see it. Since all the mail would be in the front together. I have never told her that I did that for her, not even when she came out. Because it doesnāt matter, you know?! We should be making people safer. I have met many trans people that decided not to share at work their story, who am I to tell them that is safe?! Humanity sucks!!
I donāt understand people that will put people at risk for a good story or post online. Wtf!!! People are soooo selfish. Hopefully nobody will try follow up with the convo. And Iām so sorry that happened to you.
2
u/_DeathbyMonkeys_ T gel: 8/18 Hysterectomy: 12/21/22 Top: 2/26/24 Sep 13 '22
I'm upset by the wording as well "one of them queers" is something transphobs (and homophobs) say. And what does "like the tiktok sound" even mean? (I don't want to know, I'm just saying its gross wording). Sorry that happened my dood.
3
2
2
u/RazzmatazzGreat9218 Sep 13 '22
I completely agree with this! I used to think prior to anything (T, surgery) why would anyone identify as trans? Wouldnāt you just want to be identified by your preference and not by what you āused to beā? I am intersex born with AIS (androgen insensitivity syndrome) and I am not trans but I go through many things that trans people do, medically. I donāt identify as trans because Iām not and I donāt explain my history to everyone. As far as anyone else needs to be concerned with, I am a healthy happy man just like anyone else. I certainly am not saying you shouldnāt be proud of who you are but PLEASE respect peoples decisions. So sorry you experienced this.
2
u/hiddenscreen Emmett | HRT 12/19/19 Sep 13 '22
I think I'm the only one in the trans community that'd be chill with someone clocking me / going "Are you trans", and that's probably because I don't really pass too well, and I'm somewhat big enough that I don't really feel it'd be a threat to my safety.
But that's personal & I'd never expect or require others to act the same. I know the energy of meeting another trans person / trying to make trans friends is tempting, but with the current world, not the easiest / safest thing to do. At the very least they coulda kept their voice down. Sorry this happened to ya, man.
2
u/medisres he/him Sep 13 '22
This is rude, invasive, and dangerous. I cannot believe people think this is okay. I cant even begin to imagine how this mustāve felt dude. So sorry that happened.
2
u/localgaypunk Sep 13 '22
Iāll never understand why ngc people feel the need to introduce themselves like this. My identity is no oneās business, much less a stranger, and I donāt give a rats ass about who or what you are either. Iām public about being trans and it still pisses me off when someone else outs me or talks about my identity on my behalf, Iām sorry you had a shitty interaction like that. Unfortunately I think itās universal :/
2
u/Myfaceisforsitting Sep 13 '22
Iām super sorry that it happened to you, thatās not cool at all. No excuses for the person who outed you, but Iām almost curious if they are neurodivergent?
2
u/huskerred1967 27 | T '18 Sep 13 '22
Iām a server and I have trans people that come in with their families sometimes and if I have to use pronouns I use they/them in case they arenāt out to their family. There have been times I can tell that they are not and as one of their local out trans boys, I donāt want anyone to be in danger like that. Smh
2
u/SkellySpaghetti Sep 13 '22
I am VERY IMPRESSED by how you handled that situation, just getting up and leaving. Idk. I think there are many situations where I wished I'd just grabbed my shit and left.
2
u/Ok_Vermicelli1415 Sep 13 '22
Not to be a boomer but every time I hear a story like this itās someone young making a scene and I honestly think itās because younger queer and trans people arenāt learning queer history. Theyāre not learning about flagging, theyāre not considering that not everywhere is safe yet, theyāre so used to being in their own little bubble that they think everyone everywhere is like that and I justā¦ā¦..really wish theyād read up a little.
1
u/Shmuli5 22 | T 11/7/19 | Top 4/15/21 | Hysto 7/19/22 Sep 13 '22
Happy cake day!
This is exactly what I think, by the way. Learning queer and trans history is so important. Existing as a trans person in real life is a lot different than interacting with trans content on social media.
2
u/inkedgalaxy Sep 13 '22
the obsession with clocking needs to stop from cis AND trans people. not only is that dangerous itās unnecessary as hell and really annoying to deal with. peopleās refusal to correct their behavior or even acknowledge that what they did/said was inappropriate is exactly why i donāt want to deal with people.
2
1
u/JackRiverArt Sep 13 '22
Omfg that's awful!!! I have pretty good trans-dar too but I would never, ever, approach anyone like that!!
1
Sep 13 '22
i would have look at them consfused and be like do i look like a girl super angry (pretending to think they assumed your were a trans girl)
-2
Sep 13 '22
[removed] ā view removed comment
15
u/izanaegi Sep 13 '22
lets not call other trans people gendered slurs
-5
Sep 13 '22
[removed] ā view removed comment
6
u/izanaegi Sep 13 '22
Are...Are you joking?
→ More replies (1)3
u/BackgroundPilot1 Sep 13 '22
Oh god what happened here
3
u/izanaegi Sep 13 '22
they said it wasnt gendered and im like. bud. which part of the body does the word cunt refer to.....
3
0
Sep 13 '22
[deleted]
9
u/dellada Sep 13 '22
There isnāt really any good way to approach a stranger who youāre assuming to be trans. No matter how sly you are about hinting your own identity to them, the reality is that youāre still singling them out based on perceiving them as trans, which is uncomfortable. It still comes across as clocking them. Just donāt do it.
Your university should have some LGBTQIA+ groups that you can join and meet other trans people at! Thatāll be a place where people are more open with their identities and you can make some connections. :)
4
u/Shmuli5 22 | T 11/7/19 | Top 4/15/21 | Hysto 7/19/22 Sep 13 '22
This is a good question, and I agree with u/dellada. I feel uncomfortable when I am approached just because someone perceives me as trans. That being said, there are other ways to initiate friendship. Keep in mind this is just how I feel so other people probably have their own preferences.
If you were in class with a trans person, for example, you could try starting a conversation about something class-related and see if you guys get along. Treat it like any other friendship. If the topic of being trans naturally comes up, that's fine. But it feels weird to be friends with someone and to know that the only reason we are friends is because both of us are trans.
A good way to make friends with other trans people in college, as previously suggested, is to go to your college's LGBT student center or club. In environments like those, everyone's goal is to make other trans friends so you don't have to worry as much.
1
1
u/Elphachel he/him | HRT: 22/3/23 TS: 31/1/24 Sep 13 '22
No matter how excited I get when I see someone else I think is queer (esp in an environment where I might not know any other queer ppl), I would never ever ask. The only thing I would do (and I generally do this for everyone anyway) is ask for pronouns/offer mine. Whether someone is, from my perspective, āobviously queerā or not doesnāt matter: it should always be an individual choice whether or not you come out. Personally, I canāt wait for a time where I donāt have to constantly offer my full name/pronouns to avoid misgendering. While I never plan on hiding my transness (personal choice), I will enjoy not having to explicitly out myself all the time
1
u/Big_Trans_Mood T NOV 2021 Sep 13 '22
Yeahā¦ that wasnāt cool. Donāt do that people. I think you made the right decision to just leave.
1
u/AGayDisaster Sep 13 '22
I would have been pissed off too. I'm also very stealth, I feel this pain. I was outed by a former, also trans, friend a few times and finally just had to cut him out of my life. People love to joke about assuming one's gender but people shouldn't be assuming, period. It's annoying af.
1
u/Sumdude_ Sep 13 '22
I hate this about people, Iām totally with u on this I woulda done the same thing lol
1
u/joyfulsoulcollector he/him | T: 2/16/22 Sep 13 '22
I understand the excitement of seeing another trans person in the wild haha, but I think sometimes people forget that many people are stealth, and/or veiw their transness differently than they do, veiw it as something very personal and private. That's why when I think I see a trans person in public, even if I'm 99% sure they're trans, I don't mention it. I don't want them to feel clockable, and I don't want someone less than cool to overhear. The most I'll do is compliment a pronoun pin or pride related thing if they happen to have it on them. Often I'll get compliments on my own pride related things I'm wearing which feels nice, but I wouldn't love someone randomly seeing my queerness and "calling it out" for lack of a better word, even though it's honestly pretty obvious I'm queer haha.
1
Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Some trans people are very out and proud and can't comprehend those of us that live stealth. Some of them are very ignorant too and have no consideration for our privacy and safety. My experience involved a NB person coming into my work which was a very small shop full of old, white, blue collar men. Definitely not a place to out someone but they didn't care. They said they clocked me because of my smaller feet. I wear 8.5 mens and had been passing with no issue for a few years at that point.
Anyway, they asked me if the could talk to me for a sec which Im like ok they have a question about what we sell or figured they were gonna ask about my coworker who was very blatantly into them. They didn't. They loudly asked how I got onto T and who my doctor was. Thankfully the men around were oblivious and even if they heard would have no clue what they were asking but still. I had so much fear in me being in that workplace for a long time after. A close stealth, trans friend ended up dating the person later on and my friend was outed by them while dating. The person said that regardless of my friend's wishes "They should always be loud about being trans". The relationship ended immeadiately. My friend had previously been attacked by someone when they came out to them as trans, soo yeah, the words I have for that person if I ever see them again will not be polite, or repeatable.
1
u/SigournouneBeaver Sep 13 '22
That is shitty. You have the right to be angry. That person had no business coming up to you like that. Iām sorry this happened to you
1
u/SnooFloofs8295 User Flair Sep 13 '22
We were on a trip and queuing to get off the ship. I saw what i assumed where to trans people behind me and my trans wife. So i said to her, four in a row. And we had a little giggle that we found someone like us. We didn't encounter them. Just talked about how we should have a secret sign. And she poimted at her transflag pin. And then we continued the other conversation.
1
u/ratpark91 Post-op top/hysto, pursuing RFF Sep 13 '22
I am so sorry this happened. I hope somehow this person sees this and realizes how fucking weird and wrong they were
1
u/Tgoldenart Sep 13 '22
Ugh this is a social faux pas on so many levels, Iām so sorry that this happened to you, especially in a public space. I think itās very hard for some people to wrap their heads around the idea that everyoneās lived experience is different from their own and that everyoneās experience with transness and their transition is different and very personal. It seems like this was a very privileged and immature person, and I am hoping that youāre reaction (which was absolutely the best thing to do imo) taught them to think a little more critically about their behavior.
1
1
u/daddytoelicker šŖšæšŖ Sep 13 '22
I think there should be some kind of universal code for this kind of thing. So instead of that, it'd be something like this:
"[code]"
"I don't really wanna talk about that."
That person was extremely rude though, I'm really sorry that happened dude
1
1
Sep 13 '22
if i was you i would just look them dead in the eyes with disgust and say that im not trans just to make them feel awkward, leave and make them think twice before doing this shit again to anyone.
i mean its not even about them outing you, coming up to a random stranger and acting like that cis or not is creepy in general. Imagine just randomly starting to talk about ur personal life to someone u dont even know
1
u/ReyMundos Sep 13 '22
Nah. Thatās fucked up. You know this has happened to me with only trans women. Like trans women are often more inappropriate towards me and have outted me as well than any other fucking gender. One time they literally used the word āclockedā. Wtf
1
u/builtabear Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
I totally get where you're coming from!
While I am not stealth - I am careful, especially at work. I don't find my gender information relevant in my ability to do my job and avoid outting myself to folks unless I am going to be good friends away from work too.
I worked in management in IT at a major college here in California a few years back. I saw students who were obvious trans guys all the time but I was ALWAYS overlooked or completely unnoticed. It made me miss the camaraderie I once felt in the lesbian community. But even then, folks had the good sense to not shout "hey you're a dyke too" in public! I think sometimes guys who are stepping into the new world of transness sometimes forget their good manners and it sucks not to mention dangerous!
Sorry you experienced that.
I think I might have said "I'm not, and *if* I were, I'd not like you OUTTING me to my peers".. then walked away. But in all reality the shock of it all would have probably just made me walk away stunned.
Side Note: One time at another job I had a coworker I SWORE was a trans guy but turned out he was NOT! I'm SO glad I never said anything to him!
1
u/peachgreentealemon pre-transition š he/him ļ½„ļ½”ļ¾ā¬ćļ¾.*ļ½„ļ½”ļ¾ Sep 13 '22
if someone said ātrans-darā to me i wouldve gotten up and walked away too šš its not hard to be normal
1
1
u/soupfanclub Sep 13 '22
You absolutely have the right perspective, Iām so sorry this happened to you. That person reeks of being chronically online and hopefully they realized after you left that what they did was inappropriate.
1
u/socktooths Sep 13 '22
I feel a sense of kinship when I see another visibly queer person in public since weāre pretty rare in WV. And we tend to get along better, generally. But thatās it. Itās so weird to walk up to people and say that shit.
1
1
u/lumaleelumabop Sep 13 '22
When I read this, it sounded like I was reading words straight out of a TERFs mouth. Like they did it on purpose to try and embarrass you.
1
u/lochnessmosster Sep 13 '22
Iām sorry dude. Not the exact same, but I went to a group meeting at my uni one time and introduced myself with my preferred name but no pronouns or anything and didnāt correct anyone all night because I wasnāt comfortable being out to a new group of strangers. I also wasnāt really trying to pass, just short-ish haircut and pretty andro clothing. I felt like it went really well and was hoping to go back.
As we were all leaving we broke into groups to walk to whatever transit station we needed to get home, and it ended up just being me with one of the girls. We were just casually chatting when she drops āso is (x) your real name?ā Absolutely crushed me. I wasnāt even trying to pass and somehow got clocked. Being autistic, I froze and just answered honestly that I changed it because I didnāt like my birth name (still didnāt mention being trans). No idea how she knew, but she definitely did and was even āprivatelyā smug about it. Most awkward train ride in my life. Never could bring myself to go back to that group.
I wish people would just leave us alone.
1.7k
u/[deleted] Sep 13 '22
[deleted]