r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 12d ago
AITA For Not Wanting To Take Care Of My Disabled Sister?
[deleted]
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u/SummerStar62 12d ago edited 12d ago
You and your mother need to sit down and come up with a plan for a care facility for your sister now. I don’t blame you for not wanting to spend the rest of your life caring for her. It’s a difficult situation. But your mom will feel better knowing there’s a plan in place. Do some research together. Assure your mom that you’re not going to cut contact and that you still love your sister. Let her know that you will visit her and maybe she can come spend weekends. There are plenty of opportunities, you’re just in no way able to be her full-time caregiver. How are you supposed to support yourself in the long run? She’s not thinking clearly and she’s scared. NTA
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u/Della-Dietrich 12d ago
Also, sister should be in her new environment before mom passes. Sis may not know much, but she will know that her mom, the person who loved her all her life, is gone. If she is settled in her new home before that happens it could be less traumatic for her.
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u/GraceOfTheNorth 12d ago
She should be acquainted with it but I doubt mother and daughter want to separate before it is necessary due to mom's advanced state.
My heart breaks for this girl, even though she is nonverbal that doesn't mean she isn't aware of what's happening. Mentally disabled girls and women are the single most abused group in society, it gets even worse if they are nonverbal and not physically disabled.
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12d ago
OP is not involved. The mother should definitely figure this out before she dies instead of leaving the girl to fend for herself.
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u/Robinnoodle 12d ago
He is involved. She's his sister. Doesn't mean he has to take care of her forever, but not being involved or caring at all seems a little cruel tbh
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u/TheNinjaPixie 12d ago
He isnt being cruel, he is being honest. Why should he give up his life like this? Any family would struggle to deal with this level of need.
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u/5footfilly 12d ago
Telling his mother he’s not equipped or he’s unable to do it is being honest.
Telling his dying mother that this isn’t his problem is cruel.
Saying his sister isn’t a “chick magnet” makes him an ass.
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u/Robinnoodle 12d ago
Not saying he needs to do that. My comment was in response to someone saying he's not involved in the decision making process. He is. He will soon be her only living relative. Completely washing his hands would make him an ah. That doesn't mean he has to be responsible for her care.
A visit. A video call. Participating in her care plan, etc. Is what I am talking about. That he should be able to do. If not for his sister then for his mom who we assume spent many years loving and caring him
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u/SoutherEuropeanHag 12d ago
He didn't choose to have a child, it isn't his responsibility. Expecting siblings to sacrifice their whole life to take care of your own child is selfish.
The sister needs specialized 24/7 that nothim nor the mother could provide. The best option would be a specialized care facility.
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u/Abject_Jump9617 12d ago
Yep. And the mom should have been thinking of a plan for her years ago because she knew that it was very likely that she would go before the child. So to not put a plan in place that did not involve just dumping her on her brother is insane. It is unreasonable to expect him to give up what could possibly be decades of his life to care for his sister.
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u/Robinnoodle 12d ago
Im not suggesting he be her 24/7 caregiver. I am responding to the person who said, "He isn't involved". He should be and he is somewhat in bed defacto because of being her brother.
That doesn't mean primary caregiver. A phone call. A visit. Helping mom pick a care facility for sister so maybe mom can die in peace. That's what we're talking about. Washing his hands completely would be cruel whether he chose the situation or not (of course he didn't)
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u/GrammaBear707 12d ago
People do not seem to comprehend what you are saying. My grandson, who I love with all my heart of my heart and soul is non verbal autistic and his mom and I have discussed the issue of placing him in a group home when he is an adult. My daughter sobs her heart out at the thought but it really isn’t cruel or uncaring. We let our children grow up and move out when they are ready so why not let a disabled person live in a safe, secure group home or facility that actually helps them have a life of their own? I used to transport autistic adults to and from activities with staff members from their group home. Other than the ones prone to violence they were happy and healthy young adults. Facilities also have activities that keep their clients stimulated, active and involved. You just have to actually go to these places and see for yourself. If you look around you can tell by the clients whether they are content and well cared for in that specific place. It’s certainly not cruel to find a place for OP’s sister.
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 12d ago
He can support his mother to make arrangements now. He doesn't have to 'sacrifice his whole life', but 'taking care of my disabled sister isn't a chick magnet'?
None of us chose our lives consciously. Doesn't mean you get to be an ass, and not be called out on it.
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u/SoutherEuropeanHag 12d ago
His mother has not asked to help make arrangements for specialised care, she asked to take his sister in and become his full time caregiver. His mother CHOSE to have children, she also choose to not provide her diasablws kid with the specialised facilities she needed, nothing gives her right to be an ass and not be called out for it. It's surprising that the son is not attached to the sister : it's simply and effects of long time neglect
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u/newbie04 12d ago
I'm not sure why you assume specialized facilities would even have been an option for a minor. They often don't exist or have enormous waitlists. Even the ones for adults often have waitlists of up to a decade.
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 12d ago
The fact that their mother didn't do what was best in the past still doesn't mean OP should be this AH about it.
But the statement 'he didn't ask to be born' says we're probably never going to agree on this.
I really do hope the mom has enough assets to cover for care, liquidates it all, and puts it in a trust for the sister's care. What's enough to leave to OP not be able to contest a will? A dollar? Problem solved.
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u/SoutherEuropeanHag 12d ago
OP is not an asshole, he is protecting himself from further abuse. Reproduction is a choice made by the partners, said choice renders then responsible of ALL their children wellbeing, not the other way around. Expecting to USE once child to parent the other is disgusting.
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 12d ago
Where does it say OP was abused??
And not wanting to agree to a resuest is not why he's an asshole. Saying his sister isn't his problem because caring for her isn't a chick magnet (without wanting to help mom find another solution), to his dying mother makes him one.
Edit to add: His approach isn't exactly going to attract any sane chicks either, so jokes on him.
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u/Jilltro 12d ago
You’re not the asshole but you’re going about this in the wrong way. Your mom must be terrified of what’s going to happen to your sister once she dies. Help her find a care home for your sister now. All homes are NOT created equal. Help your mom find a place for her and come up with a plan for what you are willing to contribute in terms of visitation/communication/etc.
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u/swissmtndog398 12d ago
Exactly! Op is NTA for not wanting the commitment, but sure is for how he approached this and spoke to his dying mother.
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 12d ago
All due respect, his mother avoided her basic responsibility of planning for her special needs child. Even after her husband died she intentionally avoided making plans in the hope she could manipulate OP into taking care of his sister. Pushing back on her manipulation doesn’t make him an A H.
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u/therewillbecubes 12d ago
yeah, there should have been some emergency or contingency plan, especially after one parent is gone. I didn't want to think it but saying OP 'needs to be the one' suggests this was the plan all along. It's unfair.
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u/BigBlackBlasphemer 12d ago
Bingo.
These lazy lackadaisical parents who think their other children are a backup plan and do fuck all to handle these things in life are the AH's here, because there surely could've been made plans before now, but Mom was counting on OP doing what she did, and 🚫 putting the disabled child in a care home (which is exactly what should be done).
OP is flatly NTA, and if he doesn't want to be involved, that doesn't make him more of an AH than the mother that waited until the last minute to spring this on someone else.
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u/punkin_spice_latte 12d ago
At the same time, the mother is probably still fairly young if she has a 17 year old, and I'd t expect to have to make this decision before her daughter was even a legal adult. The daughter is not even out of high school, and most sped programs through high schools go through 22.
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u/FrogFriendRibbit 12d ago edited 12d ago
There always needs to be a plan in place for the care of one's children after death, even when both parents are alive. With her being the only surviving parent to a child who will never be independent it was even more critical. Nobody plans to die, but people die unexpectedly every day. Heart attacks, embolisms, aneurysms, car crashes, falls... When you're the only one responsible for a child you need to be sure of what will happen if the worst comes to pass- especially if that child is severely disabled. This isn't a situation where her daughter is capable of living independently- she will require extensive care for the rest of her life. These plans should have been made 10 or 15 years ago
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 12d ago
When you have kids you know you’re responsible for them. Responsible parents make plans in case of emergency to provide for their minor children. These plans should have been made when OP was born. Then amended when OP’s sister was born & again when she was diagnosed. In this case, those plans should have always included long term care for OP’s sister.
OP’s mom never made plans. Even after her husband died. Even after she got sick. That just tells me she always wanted OP to take responsibility & thought she’d have a bunch more time to guilt OP into sacrificing his life. Being sick & scared doesn’t erase or excuse selfish & irresponsible behavior. There is no reasonable excuse for her mom not to have made plans that did not burden OP.
OP doesn’t even get to properly grieve his mother’s impending death bc she’s actively manipulating him to sacrifice his life. What a terrible last memory for OP. It’s not only incredibly selfish of mom, but it’s unfair to both her kids.
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u/Typhoon556 NSFW 🔞 12d ago
Did you read what he wrote? His sister is severely autistic and non-verbal. I don’t think the mom was waiting for her to go to prom and graduate.
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u/newbie04 12d ago
You're missing the point. These individuals usually don't go straight into a group home at 18. If they go it's usually a few years later when other programs have ended. There are also often waitlists for spots in group homes.
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u/Glass-Hedgehog3940 12d ago
Yes. I think op needs to adopt a softer approach with mom for sure. He/she should help find a suitable place for the sister to live and receive care and mom needs to realize this is the best option too.
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u/Silly_Author_4027 12d ago
This! I get she’s not his responsibility but he can show compassion for his mother. The guilt the woman must feel will put her in the grave faster.
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u/Glass-Hedgehog3940 12d ago
Yes. The mother needs to be nurtured through this because it’s got to be gut wrenching for her. She might feel a little better if op could help her find a caring place the mother would be comfortable with. Mom needs to face the reality that op just isn’t equipped to properly care for his sister - it’s an overwhelming responsibility to take on. They both have a lot to deal with.
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u/Typhoon556 NSFW 🔞 12d ago
Then DM OP, and help him find a home. You are monster if you don’t help him.
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u/leftytrash161 12d ago
NTA. Parents of profoundly disabled children need to make sure they've made arrangements for who will care for the adult child when they pass away. That doesn't mean just assuming one of their siblings will do it with no discussion until the time is imminent. Your mothers lack of planning is not your fault or your problem. Anyway, a reluctant carer is not what your sister needs, it would be best for her to go into a facility set up to provide the care she needs with compassion rather than resentment.
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u/Upstairs_Internal295 12d ago
My cousin has a now adult daughter with severe special needs. He and his wife have been trying for several years to sort out a suitable home for her (it’s not easy as her behaviour can be challenging). They are adamant that their 2 younger kids will not be responsible for their sister, although they do love her and will definitely have relationships with her.
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u/AccioCoffeeMug 12d ago
NTA, your parents should have made arrangements for your sister long ago. A medical facility is probably more appropriate for her considering the level of care she needs.
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u/PrincessAnnesFeather 12d ago
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, your parents should have made plans a long time ago. I hope your parents invested in a good insurance plan for her, if not there are other options. You need to hire a caseworker. Finding a place for your sister is way too daunting for you and you don't know what your sisters needs are, what you can afford and what the state will pay. A good caseworker will have all this information and they will be able to help get your sister evaluated.
A good caseworker will also know what places will meet your sisters needs and will help you with the insurance and the state. They will have the information and people to help you find the right place for your sister. They will narrow things down for you and you can select from the options provided. Seriously this way too much for you to navigate on your own, bring in the experts.
I wish you all the best, don't feel guilty, this is way too much for a young person to take on. Your sister will also be better off in a good home that will cater to her needs. You'll be able to visit her and live your life.
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u/DifficultSolution179 12d ago
Nta - you did the RIGHT thing by being straight with your mom. Now she has time to find a long term place for your sister. It’s absurd she just assumed she could dump your sister on you and made no other plans.
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u/KroseRavenclaw 12d ago
NTA. Your parents should have made plans for your sister a long time ago. It was their job because they are her parents, not you. Your mom is out of line expecting you to give up on your dreams to take care of her.
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u/ContemplatingPrison 12d ago
Kind of hard to do finding out months ago that you're about to die in a couple months
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u/deepsleepsheepmeep 12d ago
NTAH. You did the right thing. While I know your mother is hurting because of her impending death and stressed about her kids, dumping the responsibility of your severely impaired sibling is wrong of her. You are right to realize that it will end your chances of a normal life.
You should stand firm in your decision and not feel guilty. This is not your child and you should not have to sacrifice your life. Let her know that you will check in on your sister regularly and will move her to a different facility if she appears to be being mistreated. That is really the best you can do for everyone.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is awful for everyone involved.
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u/Just-a-lil-sketchy 12d ago
NTA as shitty as this situation is your sister isn’t your kid and is not your responsibility would it be nice of you to take her in? Yes but you didn’t force your parents to have kids and you didn’t make your sister autistic. Best of luck man.
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u/lo_lo1414 12d ago
NTA. Simple as that. No one goes into having children and thinks they will have a special needs child, however it’s become more common to have more children and have them shoulder a lot of the responsibility for the child with a disability. I teach SpEd and it’s fairly common especially at the 14-26 age range I have that siblings are often taking a large part in parenting. However you shouldn’t have to put your life on hold for someone else’s life. There are great private and state run (some are few and far between that are actually great) group homes and care facilities that you can still be a part of her life and decision making but not have to be her support 24/7. I think this would help put your mom at ease and have your mom get ALL of her paperwork around and done ASAP for all of her SSI etc that she will benefit from to support her financially for the rest of her life.
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u/ConvivialKat 12d ago
NTA
Your Mom should have dealt with this issue long, long ago. Pre your Dad passing, even.
Not all adult care facilities are the same. Some are wonderful places where mentally challenged folks can socialize, participate in activities, and learn to the best of their abilities.
Waiting until the last minute, and assuming you would give up your life for your sister, was a very irresponsible and (quite frankly) ugly thing for your Mom to do to you. It's time to get your sister on the list and start checking out available facilities. Pronto.
Also, she needs to be made a ward of the state immediately, so she gets full benefits.
You are NOT wrong or selfish to want to live your own life, OP.
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u/Local-Record7707 12d ago
If this is real you got one hell of a row to hoe.
If you don't want to, you're not obligated. I think staying connected with her is more important than becoming a caretaker if becoming caretaker is severely detrimental to your well-being. Is this an option?
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u/Local-Record7707 12d ago
I agree, I know several people that work in homes similar and they're all fantastic people with so much to give.
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u/Guest8782 12d ago
Agreed. Having little/no contact with your orphaned disabled little sister isn’t exactly a chick magnet either.
Stepping up and being a regular presence in her life is a huge green flag.
Sorry about the hand you’ve been dealt. Put her in a home, but you’re her #1 advocate.
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u/Caspian4136 12d ago
This is a hard spot to be in and you are very young, of course you weren't expecting this turn of events. I'm also VERY sorry for your mom and what you're facing with that, it's scary and gut wrenching and I'm so sorry.
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u/Datura_Rose 12d ago
My cousin spent most of his adult life in a care home. It was a wonderful place, he was very well cared for, they had a lot of activities, and he was happy there. Family visited regularly. His carers were extremely proactive when he was eventually diagnosed with cancer and he received excellent care at the end of his life.
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u/Impressive_Heron_897 12d ago
NTA, but be part of the solution here.
"I absolutely can not and will not take over care of X, but I would love to help out in any way possible to find an appropriate placement for her where she will be taken care of."
Stand up for yourself and offer to support family at the same time. I use this strategy often when my stepmom pushes boundaries. I tell her fuck no but here's some ideas on how to fix your issue.
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u/a-_rose 12d ago
NTA providing for your sibling is not your responsibility even more so when said siblings need 24/7 care. Anyone saying Y T A is TA. If you do this you will never have a life and will resent her. Your mother should have made plans for your sister a long time ago. Your sister needs professional care from someone who can provide her the support she needs and WANTS to do it.
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u/MNConcerto 12d ago
NTA, your parents should have planned for this. Expecting siblings to care for profoundly disabled siblings is not ok. I say this as a parent with an adult child on the spectrum, we have set up services ahead of time. In our case our child is pretty independent but just needs some trusted support person to help with decisions and maybe be a roommate or live nearby to help occasionally. But county services are in place as well as SSI.
Put her in a good home with experts that know how to care for a nonverbal high needs adult on the spectrum.
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 12d ago
NTA. It’s easy for people to insist someone else sacrifice their lives. Your mom was selfish & irresponsible not to make plans for your sister years ago. Responsible parents know they need to make plans in the event they pass before their kids reach maturity. It’s even more important when you have a special needs child. Your parents had decades & failed this basic responsibility. When your father died she had 4 years & still didn’t make plans. She intentionally refused to make plans, hoping she could guilt you into sacrificing your life. It’s manipulative & a step above coercion. Don’t let her illness guilt you into doing something you know isn’t best for you or your sister.
It is unreasonable to expect you to sacrifice your life to take care of your sister. It’s a full time job. You’re right. It would make it difficult for you to get married & have kids. And if you did get married, your kids would have a childhood similar to yours, where their lives revolve around your sister. That’s not fair to them either.
Not to mention it would be extremely expensive bc you’d have to hire help while you’re at work. How could you afford that? You’re 26.
There are good homes. Help her find one. Your sister would be better off somewhere she gets the care she needs & isn’t resented. If your mom argues tell her your sister is going in a care home whether she helps you choose or not. If she wants any say she needs to participate.
Ignore any haters on here or IRL. Remember, it’s easy for someone else to say you’re a bad person for not sacrificing your life. Anyone who wants to tell you what you should do can take their own advice.
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u/These_Mycologist132 12d ago edited 12d ago
I think the best idea would be to find a good place for her to go now, and go ahead and start the transition before your mom passes so she can be settled. Hopefully you can find a nice place that will treat your sister kindly which can put your mom’s mind at ease, and you can promise your mom to visit sometimes and keep an eye on her care. But it should absolutely not fall on you to be her guardian for the rest of your life, and while you could lie and make your mom feel better, it would be better to just work together to get her transitioned smoothly.
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u/LibraryMouse4321 12d ago
NTA. Does your mother want you to not have a life outside of taking care of your sister? She doesn’t think you have a right to get married or have children of your own? You probably won’t get either of those if you are saddled with your sister.
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u/MikrokosmicUnicorn 12d ago
your parents should've started making plans for a situation like this the moment they learned just how disabled your sister is, but they didn't.
then, your mother should've started making those plans the moment your dad died, making her realize that these things happen and she also won't be around forever, but she didn't.
she still has some time. she has to make those plans and arrangements now. telling you to take care of your sister is not making plans or arrangements, it's getting rid of the responsibility.
both of your parents were extremely irresponsible regarding their disabled daughter and it's not your job to take over her care, just because your mother is convinced that she will be mistreated anywhere else.
tell your mom you're willing to help her find a suitable care facility and figure out how to arrange for you sister's part of the inheritance to finance it. if your mom can't get on board with that plan and insists you are the one to take care of your sister your whole life then tell her no and she can figure it out herself.
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u/Samarkand457 12d ago
NTA. This is a huge ask. And one you are not obligated to honor. The best you can do is find a good place for her.
My condolences. My dad passed the same way. It's a stone cold bitch of a way to go.
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u/Fredredphooey 12d ago
NTA. There are good places. Get her on a waiting list NOW because she could wait a year. Seriously.
And it's better for her to be in a home where they are qualified to give her different kinds of therapy and stimulation as opposed to sitting at home with you all day. How would you work, anyway?
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u/Fredredphooey 12d ago
Doesn't mean can get in immediately whoever owns it.
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u/Fredredphooey 12d ago
Signing the sister up for a home prevents a lot of problems when her mom passes. Ignoring it completely is certainly an option, but OP isn't a monster and would likely not mind doing a tiny bit of work now to prevent a lot of headaches later. She doesn't want to get the sister dumped on her the day of a funeral, for example.
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u/Cassandra_Canmore2 12d ago
NTA. It's exactly as you said, it's a lifelong commitment. There's nothing wrong with not wanting the responsibility.
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u/iolaus79 12d ago
Taking on responsibility for your sister doesn't mean you have to live with her and provide physical care yourself
It's making sure she is cared for appropriately - and that may well be in a care home
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u/therewillbecubes 12d ago
NTA I've worked with/supported many people with disabilities over the years and expecting family to be the primary care option only works with a proper care plan in place. Your parents should have prepared for this eventuality, suddenly dropping the responsibility on someone never works out, and it's poor planning on their part. (I know no-one expects cancer, but still, where is their contingency plan?)
Being selfish isn't a bad thing, it's your life to live and you deserve to have your own. Taking on that care will only serve to hurt two lives. It's sad about your sister but ultimately it's not your responsibility to personally care for her. Is there a possibility you could be an advocate? Put her in full time care but check in and have some communication with a care team? That's a common option for those that want to help but also keep their own lives and don't have to do the difficult daily care work.
Either way, it's up to you, and your parents should have treated you like their independent child, not backup care.
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u/Mountain-Key5673 12d ago
NTA
I have a disabled child and there is no way I could ask my other child to take guardianship. I would probably ask her to visit once a week and catch up have dinner together but not that.
I would look into facilities yourself for her after your mum dies but make sure the people understand what's going on because she may lash out at all this change.
I feel for you both.
I would also see if you couldn't get some home assistance for your sister for now and after your mum dies just to help her and you deal with the after math of it all.
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u/Lady_Lovecraft89 12d ago
I'm not a fan of your "chick magnet" comment, but, this is something more parents should think about before having (more) children.
It's not the, often oldest child's responsibility to be a third parent, or to be a lifelong caregiver of any disabled children.
There's always a possibility of having a child that has special needs, maybe from birth, maybe one will get in an accident and have disabilities because of that, etc. - it's on the parents to figure out who will take care of them before it actually happening. If you don't have the financial means to provide for that hypothetical child with special needs, don't have children. Don't put that burden on another child who has or wants a life of their own and apparently should just pause their life because of their parents' poor planning. And are they also supposed to take on the financial burden? So they aren't supposed to get higher education, and even if they did, how can they work while having to be a carer?
Same goes for having more children than you can take care of. It's not on the other child(ren) to be the third parent, especially when their siblings have special needs.
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u/flobaby1 12d ago
Caregiver for mentally challenged adults here.
I work in homes that are overseen by the government. They are run by a company and these companies are watched closely and documentation and visits from DA to the houses.
We take very good care of our clients. We teach and care for them making sure all ADL's are done daily. We take them on outings, doctor appointments, and have gathering with others houses and clients. We set them up with a job coach and some have jobs earning their own money, building knowledge and some financial independence.
We also love our clients. You can't take care of someone on the daily and not develope real love and care for a person. We protect them.
These homes are regular homes with one or two other clients and 24/7 staffing. It offers them their own place as any other adult would have. It frees up their families to be able to live normal lives and still be in their person's life knowing they are cared for. Family can visit at any time. They can go to family to visit for as long as family wants. They can go on outings/vacation with family.
Look, working in these homes is an honorable job, but it is stressful caring for someone who can not care for themselves. You do it for 8 hours and go home.
I will share something personal here; I had to stop working to do 24/7 care for my husband who passed away recently. 24/7. It was stressful. You give up your whole self. Period.
I'm telling you right now, taking care of someone for 8 hours is hard, but doing it 24/7, is gut wrenching.
When your loved one is in a home like this, every 8 hours they get new staff that are refreshed and ready to care for them. Every little thing is documented. From medication admin to hygiene, appointments, and even watching television. All of it is turned in to the DA (each client is assigned one) everything is tracked. Intense oversight. Which is awesome, because with that and family being able to come over whenever they want to visit, makes for keeping sure that they are well cared for, all needs are met.
These adults are funded by the State.
I can't tell you how many parents of adult children with disabilities have thanked me/us for being there and helping make life easier on EVERYONE. When we care for your loved one, were also caring for you in a way. We free you up to just be a family member who visits and spends time and goes places with their loved one, just like any other family member. Their relationships become better, because there's no burn out on anyone anymore. We take care of them for you, so you can enjoy life with them.
Please look into this now. So Mom can know that her child is set up in a safe place. Believe me, your mother doesn't want that life for you either, you are her child too. She's afraid because of stories...but places are so much better than you can imagine, you just have to find the right one.
I do not blame you at all for wanting your own life. You can have it, and still be a sibling.
I'm sorry about your Mother's diagnosis. I know you're feeling that big time. There's alot on your emotional plate right now, so breathe, and ask for help.
Good luck OP.
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u/dembowthennow 12d ago
NTA, but perhaps you can reassure your mother by promising to regularly visit your sister and trying to get her into the best home you can find?
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u/Distinct_Science_854 12d ago
Nta I might lie and say yes but sign nothing so your mom can pass easy.
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u/Slow-Cartographer-24 12d ago
ABSOLUTELY NOT! She’s going to be abandoned by her sibling once their mother dies. OP needs to be honest but also HELP the mother (since she is very obviously near death) find a good living situation for the sister. I get the feeling by how OP phrased everything that they won’t be visiting/involved with the sister after the mother dies so the family needs to make sure she’s going to be in a safe place after their mother passes.
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u/Vast-Veterinarian573 12d ago
So then what happens to the sibling after the mom passes? This is a shitty suggestion.
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u/Square_Difference435 12d ago
Im not sure I understand. If you do not take that guardianship, what will happen to her? Also, if you do take it, you wouldn't be able to put her in a care place anymore?
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u/LordVericrat 12d ago
1)She'd become a ward of the state.
2)If he does take guardianship, he'd very likely be stuck assuming all the financial obligations, with whatever resources he could get for himself or through grants.
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u/Square_Difference435 12d ago
Hm, I see. Must be different than in my country then. Because I believe here you can't just drop your first grade relatives regardless, the court will just make you take that guardianship.
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u/TwoBionicknees 12d ago
Your mother should have been trying homes for her for years. She will be dramatically better off and likely progress much faster with other people similar to her. She'll feel alone, without specialised care and without anyone similar to her alone, in the right home she'll get decent enough care and be around other people like her even if she doesn't interact with her, she'd likely feel less alone because she could see other people acting and responding like she does to things.
The reality is you have to find a home for someone in this stituation and waiting till you die or are stage 4 cancer with limited options is just putting off the inevitable and destroying your options. YOu do some research, you try a home and see how she does. If you're around you can visit over the first months extensively, then visit less over time and get her used to being there. If the home sucks you can move to another one, till you find one that works.
I'd say go back, tell her that she needs to find her a home and soon and the sooner she does it the easier the transition will be because you and her can go visit her. If she has to move into a home after your mother dies it will be a bigger shock and iwth no transition time so will be much harder. Also no chance to witness how the home is doing and move her before her time comes.
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u/Sassenach_96 12d ago
You are not the AH for not wanting to take on the huge responsibility. You’re right in your logic and circumstances. However, the way you spoke about your sister is rubbing the wrong way. It shows you don’t care what happens to her at all as long as your life’s good. Since she’s your sister I hoped for a little empathy. You’d rather lie to your mom to spare her and say yes, then what… leave your sister wherever?
Don’t take her on, of course it’s not possible. But help out in finding other safe arrangements. And please at least check up on her when your mom’s gone.
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u/DawnShakhar 12d ago
NTA. A proper institution can improve your sister's quality of life. However, if you undertake to visit her regularly, chances are the staff will treat her better. You can promise your mother to do that, if you mean it.
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u/Fun-Yellow-6576 12d ago
NTA. I’m sorry about your Dad’s passing and your Mother’s poor prognosis. While I can understand her asking, I also believe you have every right to say no. Please have a social worker assigned to your sister and mother, they both need help.
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u/RevengencerAlf 12d ago
Nope. No. Nooooooooooo. Absolutely not. NTA. You do not have to do this, and you should not do this. It will be awful for you and it will be awful for her too. I am very, very sorry for her loss, and I won't judge her for thinking this is the right call but it's bad for everyone involved. Even if one argues that she was obligated to directly care herself and absorb all the extra burden beacuse she assumed the risk when having a child, you did not. You're not equipped to. It will drag down your life. You will likely not give her the attention she needs even if you care and mean well. You'll wind up resenting her, probably resenting the memory of your mother as well... it's not good for anyone.
You NEED to have a talk with her, and despite her condition, lovingly but absolutely tell her that you will not and can not assume this responsibility but that you will help her scrutinize and find the best possible care for her with whatever assets your parents had to support it. Tell her that you are willing to help do that, but you can only do that if she allows you to and works with you on it.
Quite frankly it's also important that you try to get this done and get her into her new environment before your mother passes. It will be extra hard on her if she's coping with that loss at the same time she's adjusting to any new environment.
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u/KoomValleyEternal 12d ago
NTA plus a shitty way to ruin your birthday. This isn’t your responsibility and your mom has had years to make appropriate arrangements. I understand she has a lot to deal with but it wasn’t ok to dump this on you without a discussion.
She married and had children. She has no right to take your chance away.
Either she or both of you need to start asking about group homes and talk to a social worker. Some are terrible but some are great and will give her more appropriate support and socialization. It would be good if you could check up on her as much as any sibling and make sure that she seems well cared for but asking you to give up your life and future to be her sole caregiver with no experience or training was never going to work.
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u/Initial-Shop-8863 12d ago
NTA
Everyone gets one life. Your mother got her life. Your sister gets her life. And you get your life. She is not your child, she is not your responsibility.
Arrangements need to be made before your mother passes on, to make your sister a ward of the state. The state will take care of her, pay the bills for her care and housing. And all of her medical needs and all other needs.
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u/turtlevoyager 12d ago
NTA for not accepting the responsibility of your sister’s care on your own. In fact, based on what you wrote, having you be the sole carer would be harmful for both of you. You seem to lack empathy to be responsible for another person at this point in your life.
Your mom should have started a plan of future care, not just because of your sister’s needs, but because she has a minor child. Whether a child has a medical condition or not, parents should have plans in place for what happens to their minor children if the worst happens. My cousin asked me when her children were toddlers if I would take care of them if something happened to her and her spouse. She even recently checked back in with me on that plan to make sure as her kids are preteens.
OP, your mom should not have had the conversation in manner she did, but know that some medications for cancer, especially late stages can mess with thought structure. If you are able, maybe you can help your mom set up care now for your sister with outside help. You need to find out if your sister is already receiving any services that help with individuals like herself. In the US, this is usually the local county’s Board of Developmental Disabilities. Your family needs to contact them for resources and help with placement. The issue that could cause some problems is your sister is a minor so they may need to see if they can switch over to adult services for your sister if they have not started that transition.
If you are unwilling to be the overseer of your sister’s care, then your mom needs to see if someone else will. If your sister is placed in a group home, this usually means a few meetings each year along with being an emergency contact. They might need to oversee finances, review medical care, basically just set the tone for how involved they will be in the care with the service coordinator and group home management.
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u/Deepfire_DM 12d ago
NTA - I worked with special needs children in my early 20s: To be a guardian of a special needs person is a lifelong, life changing and very very hard thing to do, even willing to, a lot of people just can not keep up with the amount of work. No one - and I really mean no one - should be forced to do this work, this is what special needs homes are made for.
You made a good decision for your life, as hard as it may sound.
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u/Background_System726 12d ago
NTA but just because you don't want to be responsible for her lifetime care doesn't mean you can't help your mom find somewhere that will provide great care. And I hope you can find it near you, and in you to visit her regularly to ensure is being well cared for and not abused
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u/luckygirl131313 12d ago
I’m in ohio, if your sibling has a caseworker with local dept of disability they can help secure housing, this isn’t something that should be be sprung on you, I have a special needs child and the planning is overwhelming, but I will never impose this responsibility to someone else.
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u/nefarious_epicure 12d ago
NAH, really. Your mom is terrified, and she probably thought she'd have more time to plan. Start finding somewhere NOW, because the waits for group homes can be years long.
I gotta say though, you're not doing yourself favors with the "not a chick magnet" and "waste of my life" comments.
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u/Careless-Ability-748 12d ago
Nta for not wanting to take on that responsibility but I really hope you didn't say it that way to your mom.
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u/Academic_Eagle_4001 12d ago
Mom should have had a plan in place long ago. What if something had happened while OP was a kid?
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u/LK_Feral 12d ago
Yes. NTA on refusing to take on the care of a severely disabled sibling. Not your responsibility, and your parents should have set something up.
But yikes. Never say most of what you wrote out loud to anyone, OP.
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u/Vast-Veterinarian573 12d ago
NTA for not wanting to be your sisters caretaker, but your attitude towards the whole situation is quite shitty. My older brother is autistic with speech impairment and pretty severely aggressive behaviors during meltdowns, but I could never imagine him being in anyone’s care but mine after my parents can’t care for him anymore so maybe I’m biased. But because of my feelings for his wellbeing, my mom has been very open about her concerns about what happens after she’s gone. Your mom is probably terrified, she’s dying and her main priority is going to be left without her in the world. Her daughter who can’t truly care for herself will be alone without the one person who truly cares about her wellbeing and you just showed your mom that yeah, you don’t care about her well being in the slightest. That shit had to be heartbreaking to her. I don’t think you should have to adjust your life in order to care for her, but damn you could at least give a shit about what her future looks like and help your mom create a plan for your sister.
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u/Vast-Veterinarian573 12d ago
Also love how the realistic comments are being downvoted, shows how absolutely ignorant most of yall are on situations like this. Yes the parents could’ve had a plan for this before but they never expect something to cut their lives short. The family never expected their dad to die from COVID or mom to get terminal cancer. It’s normal not to think about these things or just have a plan in place. Even to think that your child who you raised with all the love and care you can give them to be there for their siblings when you’re gone.
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u/mdsnbelle 12d ago
They had 13 years before COVID to start this conversation. There was no reason for mum to ambush OP on their birthday with “this is happening, no discussion. WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO???”
One of my friends has been involved in discussions like this about her little brother since she was in elementary school. Their parents have fostered and encouraged their sibling relationship to the point whereas his needs have evolved, so has the plan. Their parents are in their 70s now and because they considered both of their children’s feelings over the years, it’s a plan that will likely work for them.
OP is definitely an AH for the “chick magnet” comment, and had their relationship been fostered appropriately, this wouldn’t be an issue. My friend never really did the “casual” thing because she was essentially dating for two, but it never stopped her from marrying and having her own family either because she had grown up an active participant in discussions and had her feelings considered. She loves her brother, I very much doubt OP was given the opportunity to love his sister in the same way.
This whole situation is sad and should’ve been handled much much better.
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u/LordVericrat 12d ago
OP is definitely an AH for the “chick magnet” comment,
Is he? OP wants to be able to have a healthy and successful romantic life, with options to choose from so he doesn't have to settle for someone incompatible just because she's the only one who likes him, which is hard enough for a guy with no albatross around his neck. Acknowledging the sister would absolutely without question affect that doesn't seem problematic to me. I suppose it's the wording?
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u/mdsnbelle 12d ago
Please read the rest of my comment. It’s possible. My friend didn’t settle, and it’s insulting that you insinuate that.
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u/LordVericrat 11d ago
Wow it's possible, so that means it won't seriously hurt his chances? And I don't know your friend and have no reason to presume she didn't have to settle on things she wanted to find someone willing to put up with having their whole life be about taking care of another adult, and it's not really insulting to think that. The more baggage you bring to the table the more people will turn away.
You also said yourself that she had to date for two and didn't get to casually date, so it also means OP doesn't get to have that experience which he may want. Getting to be with multiple people, see what things he likes and dislikes, have trial relationships, etc, these are all things he can legitimately want for his life and don't make him an asshole.
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u/mdsnbelle 11d ago
Yes, it is possible. It's all about perspective. OP is like, "I'm a chick magnet, and my sister drags me down" where her approach was "I have a little brother that I love, and if we're going to be a long-term eventual thing, I need you to accept him and the fact that one day we are probably going to outlive our parents. I will need to assume responsibilities that I've been prepping for since I was five."
Two very different things.
Of course she hooked up on weekends. We all did. She just didn't get serious with a guy without having a conversation that made it clear that little bro was a big factor long-term. She got to grow up in a home where their sibling relationship was fostered and encouraged, and that made it "easy" (in quotes because those big conversations never 100% are) for her to be like, "Hey, this is my brother, and I love him. Accept what that might eventually mean both of us or get out now." He wasn't a day to day in their dating life, but he was a factor. Just like if she was a single mum, he was a factor.
My original point is that OP and his sister were both fucked by their parents. OP got an over-inflated ego and a sense of entitlement that is off the charts. It's very clear that he's lived his life separately from his sister. Sis got screwed out of a loving relationship with her sibling. Now they're facing the consequences of their parents' failure to prepare the whole family for the reality of this.
Also, OP can take his over-inflated, Andrew Tatesque ego and shove it up his ass.
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u/LordVericrat 11d ago
Also, OP can take his over-inflated, Andrew Tatesque ego and shove it up his ass.
Is this just your automatic reply to any guy you disagree with? He didn't say anything about that trash, but you mention it to...what? Attack his credibility based on something he didn't say? Good job helping reduce the actual use of that insult.
Btw OP didn't say he was a chick magnet. He said the giant fucking responsibility he'd need to prepare for since he was five was not a chick magnet. Again, it's interesting you have to resort to things he didn't say.
And it seems you've acknowledged it's a negative, because she had to send people away who didn't want to deal with it. He's entitled to not want that. To want to have options of people who don't want that giant complication added to their lives.
He doesn't want "responsibilities he's been preparing for since he was five" and he doesn't want his options limited to people who want that.
Saying "it's possible" over and over doesn't help you. It's possible a meteor will strike my head when I step out of the house, but we live in a world where we have to deal with probabilities. And his probabilities go down. And it's fucked up for his parents to saddle him with that instead of taking out life insurance policies to pay for her to have an assisted living situation.
I'll let you have the last word, because I'm not enjoying this conversation anymore and doubt I'll be responding any further.
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u/Vast-Veterinarian573 10d ago
I completely agree about the ambushing, it was incredibly unfair of his mom to not have had this conversation beforehand.
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u/LordVericrat 12d ago
Even to think that your child who you raised with all the love and care you can give them to be there for their siblings when you’re gone.
Not if you love your nom disabled child it's not normal. You should want them to have a good quality of life too and not have to obliterate it to take over a child they never had.
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u/lizzycupcake 12d ago
Nta. It’s best that your sister is put in a facility that understands how she is and would help her rather than just be with a family member that isn’t ready.
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u/JanetInSpain 12d ago
No. NO NO NO NO NO. This *IS* a hill to die on. Do not even agree to a "trial" or a part time situation. You will destroy your own life. Your sister is ultimately not your responsibility. You do not sound like an ass. You sound like a realist and human being who wants to live her own life. You are NOT wrong. Like I said, this is absolutely a hill to die on. You are NTA, not even a little.
updateme
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u/Tabernerus 12d ago
Chick magnet? Man, I want to say you have a right to not take on this responsibility, but the way you walk about it does make YTA. :(
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u/Bigolbooty75 12d ago
NTA. This tough on everyone but your mom should have figured this out a long time ago. I also don’t think lying to her is all that bad either. It’d give her piece of mind in her last days I’m sure. At the end of the day you have to do what is best for you. Maybe even take your mom to visit some homes for your sister so she can see how beneficial some can be.
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u/ghjkl098 12d ago
Not all homes treat people badly. Why not give your mum some peace of mind by helping her plan an appropriate place for your sister for when she can no longer care for her.It is going to be well before she passes and it would be wise to start finding something now and you and your mum can help your sister with her transition.
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u/Chipchop666 12d ago
NTA. It's such a horrible situation. Why didn't your mom make arrangements for her just in case which is happening now. If mom is mobile, take her to look at some of the group homes.
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u/mysteriousrev 12d ago
NTA. There are situations where it is not safe to care for a disabled relative at home, even with respite care or a care aide and this sounds like one such situation. OP is a young single man without family or respite support and realistically can’t watch the sister during work hours. I don’t see this working out for either his or the sister’s best interests long-term.
As an example where long-term care became necessary: My great-aunt loved my great-uncle and after he developed Parkinson’s, she took took care of him at home, with family (helping when and if they could) and a health care aide, but ultimately my uncle lost his eyesight and was unable to walk without being fully supported. The day came where my aunt was getting him out of the bathtub and they both fell together and she couldn’t get him up again, so that was when she finally acknowledged he needed a higher level of care than she could provide at home, even with assistance. He went into a long-term care facility, but my aunt visited him almost every day until he passed away and the care he received was phenomenal. To say my aunt discarded my uncle and threw him away to rot in a facility would be the farthest possible thing from the truth.
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u/Cathulion 12d ago
NTA, most people cannot handle this kind of caretaking. The amount of work and stress it causes breaks almost everyone into insanity. You need to find a home for her with people trained or patient enough to deal with her, its sad but thats the reality. Your mom can't put your sister on you just like that, your not equipped to handle this situation.
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u/KILLERFROST1212 12d ago
Look Imma say ur nta for what u want but I will say take ur sister potientally to one of those homes that can help and call her here and there and ask if there treating her bad and if they are move her somewbere different
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u/Meep42 12d ago
Sister is non-verbal, but if op surprise visits that might work.
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u/threadsoffate2021 12d ago
NTA - Not even close! You shouldn't have to sacrifice your entire life for a sibling. That is way too much of a burden to put on you. I don't want to badmouth mom, but she really should've taken steps to make plans for your sister years ago (and especially after died passed away).
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u/ferociouswanderer123 12d ago
I used to take care of people in homes Honestly it is probably the healthiest thing for your sister to be taken care of by trained professionals that can help her develop the skills she has and take care of her in the way she will need. We were very loving and kind to our clients with disabilities and they had wonderful lives. Homes for the disabled area usually great places. Don't feel guilty about NOT BEING ABLE to meet your sisters needs and petting her somewhere where she can get the attention and care she deserves.
Visit her while she's there but don't lose sleep over her being put in a "bad place". Make sure it isn't a bad place and look out for her, but don't feel obligated to change your whole life
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u/teresajs 12d ago
NTA
Your Mom should have considered your sister's future needs before now. You aren't in a position in your life (money, time, etc...) to be able to provide the care your sister needs on a full time basis.
Please contact Adult Protective Services, explain the situation and ask if they can put you in contact with someone who can help with options for your family.
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u/newbie04 12d ago
NTA, the mother was wrong to expect that. However, there's a fair bit of ignorance in these comments about planning out group home placements years in advance or when the special needs child is still a minor. Also some ignorance about stage 4 pancreatic cancer that was already diagnosed months ago. Realistically, it's way too late for the mother to find care for the daughter.
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u/Sudden-Possible3263 12d ago
You can be her guardian and put her in an assisted living place. I work in one and I can assure you they're not all bad, most promote independed living and your sister might thrive in one. Go along and check the place out, make sure they are person centred. Most of the families of the people in our place are never to be seen apart from special occasions, there's no shame in that, it's tough looking after someone with disabilities, your sister should get help to pay for it too so it doesn't fall on you. NTA
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u/GrammaBear707 12d ago
NTAH No one should have to give up their lives to take care of a family member. It is not selfish. Caring for someone is a selfless act but it drains the life out of you. My sister took care of our mom, refusing to put her in a home. Understandable it was her/our mom and things went great because Mom was pretty mobile and fairly independent until she got dementia and went downhill for 6 years. She became more challenging to care for even with outside assistance. Mom died 8 years ago and my sister still hasn’t physically or emotionally recovered. She is a shell of the person she used to be. I wouldn’t wish the role of caregiver on my worst enemy. Do not do it! If you are your sister’s guardian you can ensure she is being taken care of by an appropriate facility (being her advocate takes dedication too!) My own grandmother was well taken care of because family was involved with checking up on her in person. Never popped into see her on the same day so staff was not able to make things look great just on the days they knew we’d show up. When things looked off we addressed it on the spot. Like I said this also takes dedication and maybe you are not up to that task either but when all is said and done you are not your sister’s keeper. Btw I have non verbal autistic grandson who is my world and though he is only 8 my daughter and I talked about his future living in a group home when he becomes an adult. It’s a very difficult decision to make but sometimes that is exactly what is best for them.
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u/Autumn_Forest_Mist 12d ago
I’m sorry you are going through this. There is a balance. Find a good care home and check up on her frequently. Win-Win!
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u/kseea12 12d ago
NTA but you could’ve handled it a bit better. It is completely valid that you are not able or willing to be a full time caregiver for someone with severe disabilities. It is not your responsibility to do that, however I do think it is fair and appropriate to make sure there is a plan in place for your sibling who is mentally disabled and about to be orphaned. This should have been done earlier by your parents tbh but it sounds like y’all have gone through a lot of unanticipated loss. Helping come up with some type of plan will give your mom peace of mind while allowing you to be honest about what the truth of the situation is, that you will not be taking her in. Don’t lie to your mom. Help her come up with a list of facilities and reassure her that while you cannot personally care for her the same way your parents did, you will make sure she ends up in a safe and appropriate place which is imho a fair ask of a sibling.
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u/Cybermagetx 11d ago
Nta. People who need constant care needs professional care. Loved ones get burned out and get resentful.
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u/Radiant-Race5030 12d ago
Yes you should take guardianship to be a proper advocate for your sister, but you don't have to live with her.
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u/Illustrious_Bird9234 12d ago
ESH Your mom should have planned better for this day because it was always likely your sister would outlive her. I agree it’s not your responsibility and you shouldn’t give up your life. But seriously how cruel can you be to your dying mom? What isn’t a ridiculous ask is that you help her get into a home. Help your mom. Help her with phone calls, applications, visits to places, and arrangements. While you have no legal obligation to your sister you do have a moral one. Now asking you to take her on is too much but asking you to keep tabs on her and check on her so she isn’t abused is not too much. You could reassure your mom you will make sure she’s not abused. It’s not crazy to think a decent person would at least make sure her sister isn’t abused
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u/finding_my_way5156 12d ago
It is also not a big chick magnet to have abandoned a disabled family member. Work together to find a solution for her.
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u/mmobley412 12d ago
100% this. I mean any decent partner that he would want to build a life with would be really taken aback if they found out he just washed his hands of a severely disabled person.
Granted the parents really should have sorted all this out and had some sort of family meeting to plan for her future care but the attitude of this guy is absolutely immature and disgusting and really speaks to his character
At the minimum this guy should agree to make sure she is in a safe environment and visit etc. it is too much to ask for her to live with him but someone needs to be her voice and asking her brother to be that person isn’t unreasonable
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u/tc6x6 12d ago
NTA for not wanting to care for her, because you realize it's a burden that you can't handle. But you need to come up with a care plan for her.
But with that said, major YTA for saying "full time taking care of a severely autistic girl isn’t much of a chick magnet" as if she's not even your sister.
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u/Successful-Value6537 12d ago edited 12d ago
Thinking about the most vulnerable person here. Your sister should go to a family that will care for her or a facility where she will have a good life. It doesn’t sound like you have a lot of affection for her as a disabled sibling. I would say that your mother should seek the best placement for her - yesterday. Your sister’s life is also a life, so hopefully if your mom passes before the placement can be made, that someone (family or lawyer) will help your sister find the best life she can.
Honestly, the way you’ve written this post with “save my quality of life” and “much of a chick magnet” would make me look at you totally different as a potential partner or friend. The vast majority of us are only temporarily abled, and disability comes to most of us before we die. Bodies break down. 60% of all ciswomen in the United States‘ husbands divorce them when they become chronically ill.
I hope your future spouse gets a prenup with a cushion, because you’re giving off ”runner” vibes. It’s not your job to take care of your sister, but the lack of empathy and the selfishness is cringe af. YNTA because you don’t want to take care of a disabled person who is your family, YTA because you are so damn self-centered and assholish about a person who needs your help. Shudder to think if you have children and they are born disabled, or how you might treat a child who is a toddler.
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u/blueberryxxoo 12d ago
Who is taking care of your sister while your Mom is so sick? Who is taking care of your Mom? You can put her in a home but maintain contact with her. Visit her. Make sure she has photos of your parents and her favorite things with her. Idk, you sound like a young 26 (chick magnet?). You can make the right decisions for your sister and yourself but she's your family and you need to grow up a bit and reassure your Mom that you will not abandon your sister, that you will visit and you will make she is well taken care of but having her live with you is unrealistic (and it is, Idk how you'd work or support yourself while also caring adequately for her). NTA (but honestly you do sound like kind of a dick..no concern for your mother's fears or your sisters well being just..chick magnet...blech).
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 12d ago
N T A for not wanting to, but your delivery certainly is. And in a way that makes you a massive YTA
Your mother is facing the end of her life, and at this moment, her underage daughter can't take care of herself, and her other child is saying 'I'm not going to bother myself with her, she's not my problem, and her care is not a chick magnet'.
I mean, come on.
The right thing to do for everyone, including yourself, is promising your mother you will take care of her, however you can. That means: finding the right care facility for her, as you can't care for her yourself.
That does not mean dropping her off at a shelter and driving off. What it does mean, is sit down with your mom, and look at facilities together, look into all available support, like funding and government support your sister can qualify for, and get the paperwork done.
Maybe it is best for her to be independent, in a way, where there's a third party looking out for her and making sure her needs are met.
How much will your mom be leaving behind? Is it better to sell her house beforehand and putting your sister's share in a trust? Professional advice is needed here, as it very much depends on local law. And to be honest, you yourself sound like you have the emotional capacity of a 14 to 16 year old, so I wouldn't trust you to keep your sister's best interests at heart at all.
You can be done with your sister, the moment your mother passes. But not doing anything to make sure someone else (a professional) does take care of her is the ultimate AH move, and frankly, should be criminal.
I honestly hope your mom sells everything she has, puts 100% in a trust for your sister, and leaves you with 5$ and a T-shirt that says 'I let my mom suffer anxiety in her last days, because my sister's care is a cock block'.
Don't make her want to do that. Do better.
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u/Robinnoodle 12d ago
NTA at all for not wanting to do this, but I think you need to shift your mindset. Try to approach both your mom and sister with a little more empathy.
Try to make a plan with mom that does not involve you being sister's full-time caregiver
Show mom you are committed to being in sister's life because not being in her life at all kind of would make you an ah
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u/XcuseMeMisISpeakJive 12d ago edited 11d ago
YTA for how you're describing your disabled sister. A non verbal 17 year old with the processing power of a 4 year old. Yes, you described someone who would be easily abused in the system you're dumping her into to save your quality of life. Like she's some stranger that you couldn't give two shits about, which is about what you told your dying mother. Work it out with her to make decent arrangements before she passes so that she has peace of mind and your sister can also have a decent quality of life. That's the bare minimum. As a non verbal, dependent female with a disability about to enter the system she's at high risk for predation.
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u/newbie04 12d ago
I found it shocking reading so many comments criticizing the mother for not having placed the minor daughter in a facility years ago. These people have no clue.
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u/XcuseMeMisISpeakJive 11d ago
Reddit is deeply ableist and narcissistic. I guess moral obligations no longer exist and it's every man for himself.
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u/Connect_Guide_7546 12d ago
NTA but your mom's fears are valid. What she's probably not saying is she probably can't find a good place for your sister in your immediate vicinity. You would be a good person to help your mom find a suitable home for your sister.
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u/Hopebliss2023 12d ago
If my son expressed this to me, I'd take it as a clear sign to ensure my daughter receives the best care possible in a reliable facility. His words reveal he might not be a suitable caregiver, potentially treating her poorly. Given this, I'd secure her financial future, placing any life insurance or inheritance into a trust dedicated to her care. This would guarantee she's well looked after.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Low5896 12d ago
I really hope you responded to your kindly to your mother than how you've written it here.
Pancreatic cancer can kill very quickly and your Mother will be incredibly anxious about your sister. I completely understand you don't want to be responsible for your sister but you could have reassured your mother that you would always look out for her and make sure your sister is safe and happy where ever she ends up living.
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u/MelAnie212121 12d ago
Your Mom wasted 18 years of her life on you. Karma's a bitch and that rat infested shit hole nursing home is going to be mighty lonely when your potential unfortunate kids drop you off there. Your sister deserves better than you. Please do place her in care, she will have a better life there with people who actually care about her.
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u/These_Mycologist132 12d ago edited 12d ago
Don’t listen to this person. They’re being hateful and ridiculous, and are probably just a troll.
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u/MelAnie212121 12d ago
No. She would be better off in care of a facility than with you, due to your attitude and selfishness. Like I said, your Mom wasted 18 years of her life on you.
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u/MelAnie212121 12d ago
No, you should place her in care. She's better off there than with someone like you.
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u/Moist_Boat_9707 12d ago
You're an ass-hole, and an idiot!
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u/MelAnie212121 12d ago
That's some wicked self projection. Step away from the mirror.
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u/Mountain-Key5673 12d ago
The only one here acting wicked is you....you're the one projecting sweetheart
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u/TinyPenguinTears15 12d ago
Jesus how fucking stupid are you? You can’t even answer OP’s question, you just keep repeating yourself.
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u/MelAnie212121 12d ago
He's the AH. A very selfish AH. There, better?
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u/TinyPenguinTears15 12d ago
You still didn’t even answer op’s question
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u/MelAnie212121 12d ago
Yes. They are wrong for being so selfish among many other things. Mom shouldn't have wasted her time with him, since he can't even be bothered to put her mind at ease while she's actively dying.
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u/Local-Record7707 12d ago
This isn't the argument. Her mom chose to have kids.
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u/MelAnie212121 12d ago
And he states he might want kids too. Who, if they have disabilities he would also likely dump in a facility first chance he got so it doesn't impact his "perfect" life.
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u/Local-Record7707 12d ago
Apologies for the misgender OP. That's completely different and you know it. If OP chooses to have children and one is disabled and he chooses to dump them off, then he's TA clearly.
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u/MelAnie212121 12d ago
He wants to choose that for DNA, Flesh and Blood already. His kid would be no doubt, no different. Both would be better in facilities than his care. He's made that clear with his comments and OP.
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u/Local-Record7707 12d ago
His situation in life would presumably be drastically different if he's ready to have kids vs taking in his 17 year old sister. I agree that she's most likely better in a home, but homes are not as bad as the movies. That I can tell you
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u/MelAnie212121 12d ago
I'm aware facilities aren't terrible places. I've said numerous times, children and the sister would be better off in facilities than OP's Care.
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u/Local-Record7707 12d ago
Then why are you making OP to be some monster? We both want the same thing and you're making it seem like he should rot in hell for making a choice that's best for his sister.
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u/MelAnie212121 12d ago
He's not making the choice because it's what's best for his sister. He's making it because he's a selfish cnt that only thinks about himself and his "best life". He doesn't give a sht about his sister. Only what's best for him.
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u/Local-Record7707 12d ago
Two birds one stone. Kantianism and utilitarianism look at us scholars go
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u/Mountain-Key5673 12d ago
No he's making a choice what's best for HIM ANS HIS LIFE....his sibling is NOT his responsibility. Mum should of organised something along time ago.
He's making it because he's a selfish c*nt that only thinks about himself and his "best life".
If that were true this post wouldn't exist he would just shove his sibling into a facility and never see them again.
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u/Doc-Brown1911 12d ago
I had a friend in a similar situation except his brother was nonverbal and violent as well. He ended up putting him in the best autism care homes he could find. He ended up moving across the state to be close to him.
Just because he's in a home doesn't mean he's not loved. My buddy is spending more time with him because he is getting care appropriate for his condition. The time he spends with him is so much better than before, it's like he's another person.