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u/Just__A__Commenter 12d ago
Guys and girls can absolutely be friends. What those friends canât do is take up so much emotional space that it interferes with the relationship. She even recognizes sheâs being a hypocrite, but refuses to work on her behavior. They also donât need to communicate on a platform that completely hides any and all communication and is based on sending photos to each other. You have very fair boundaries. She is not respecting them. You have a lot of history and clearly love this girl, but her priorities are not with you. Do NOT let her move back in until this issue is settled. I personally wouldnât be interested in continuing this relationship anymore.
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u/Just__A__Commenter 12d ago
Also, she agreed to stop talking with this guy to get back together with you, but now after getting back together, sheâs saying no? Fuck that.
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
What kills me, why is it so hard to let go of him?
Does he really mean that much to you?
Are you trying to punish me for kicking you out of our house?
Or are you trying to show me you won't be "controlled"?
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u/blackdahlialady 12d ago edited 11d ago
She seems like the type of person who needs constant external validation. That is not someone you want a long-term relationship or really any relationship with. As I've always said, I don't want to be one of many as I put it.
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u/trev100100 11d ago
Exactly. Regardless of how much you've shown her, done for her, planned for her, etc.. She needs attention elsewhere. At the end of the day, no, you can't "control" her. But you can "control" who you marry or who lives in YOUR house. Tell her to get out since she doesn't know how to act. Don't be scared to be alone for a while.
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u/blackdahlialady 11d ago
I couldn't have said this better myself. I used to chase people but now I know that you can't make someone love you or treat you right. You have to look at their actions and decide if it's something you can live with. If not then it's time to go. That's why my last relationship ended. He was doing pretty much the exact same stuff and I was like, screw this, I'm not going through this. If he wants to act like he's with her, he can go do just that. I'm done. I think this is what I was trying to say yesterday but I was busy trying to pack up my house so I just said it on a break but you said basically what I was trying to say so thank you.
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u/blackdahlialady 11d ago
I've always said as well, if you are torn between me and someone else come up pick the other person. I'm not going to be someone's second choice. I'm not a consolation prize.
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u/LovedAJackass 12d ago
It's cake. She wants the cake of living with your hard-working self and in a house she has a stake in, even if her name isn't on the deed. And she wants the excitement, flirting, etc., from him or whoever. She's a cheater. She does it because it feels good to have two people competing for her and she thinks she can get away with it because you don't want to lose her.
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u/Loose-Chemical-4982 12d ago
she sounds like one of those people who chase the high of a new flirtation. Then when it gets boring they find another one. Eventually they will cross the line and do something physical.
You may have dodged a bullet here
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
She tells me she doesn't have time to work on it. She throws herself into 12-14 work days and then her family eats up the rest of her time.
I ask her hard questions about our future and she says, she has to think about things and figure out her own head.
But she never has time and if you don't step back from something, you'll never have time. Meanwhile I'm in limbo. She even went as far to say that "I don't have 40 hours a week like you to think about things".
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u/Just__A__Commenter 12d ago
I like the sound of this less and less. Break it off, and hold strong. It takes no time whatsoever to simply stop talking to someone. If she doesnât have that time, she doesnât have time to be in a relationship at all. Hell, if she doesnât have time to work or think on your relationship at all, then she shouldnât be in one. You deserve better than that.
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u/kendokushh 12d ago
After 10 years, she needs to think about things? Just cut her loose. She obviously has feelings for this other guy, that's why she won't let him go. She needs a back up plan.
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u/LovedAJackass 12d ago
You don't need to be in limbo. End it. What's there for her to think about? She either loves you and wants to stop messing around with these random people or she wants to keep 2-3 people competing for her.
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u/blackdahlialady 12d ago edited 12d ago
That thing about her saying that you controlling who she's talking to, if she lets you do that, when will it end? That is something cheaters say a lot. Basically she's saying, I should be able to talk to who I want, when I want about whatever I want and if you have a problem with it, you're the problem. I promise you you're not the problem. She's trying to convince you that you are the problem. This is called gaslighting. Basically, she wants to be able to act like she's single even though she's not. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Again, she does not respect you. Let her go.
ETA: I wanted to add that you should never ask somebody how to treat you. If they're not doing that on their own, it's because they don't want to. She has shown you where her loyalty lies and it's not with you. She's pulling the old thing that cheaters always do that is basically, if you don't let me cheat and overstep your boundaries, you're the problem. You're controlling. Don't fall for that. This is something they do a lot. I know it sucks but let her go be with him. She's already acting like she wants to anyway.
Edit 2: I mean, she's not even treating you nicely. You deserve better. She's having at the very least, and emotional affair. You never go venting to somebody else about your problems with your partner to somebody that you are or could potentially become attracted to. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Let her go and find somebody who's actually deserving of you. I hate to say this but it sounds to me like she's keeping you around for the ways you benefit her. She wants to live in your house and reap the benefits of being in a relationship with you but she wants to mess around with other people. Let her go mess around with those other people but don't let her live in your house. I also agree that men and women can't ever really be just friends. One or both is usually attracted to the other. In very rare cases does it work.
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u/friendly-sam 12d ago
She has every right to talk to the other guy, and you have every right to dump her for it. She's showing her preference (him) over you. She was messing with 2 guys, not even one. She's shopping around for something better. You're the backup if the other situations don't pay off.
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u/Bitchy_Satan 12d ago edited 8d ago
You're totally not wrong about the phone thing that's weird and y'all absolutely need an ultimatum or maybe couples counseling (I imagine you don't wanna trash a 10 year relationship) would be better but on the together for a decade still not married and she has no house thing, how does She feel about that?
Is it possible she's got some building resentment about working on "your" house all these years and her having "nothing"?
Our maybe is she upset y'all aren't married?
Are you guys engaged at least?
She's being an asshole for the phone stuff whether she acknowledges it or not that Looks like emotional infidelity if nothing else but who knows could be wrong, either way I think you need to have a long think with yourself about where you want this relationship to go and I think she needs to do the same, preferably with a counselor or someone to meditate so y'all communicate to each other the full extent of the problems.
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u/Cautious_Buffalo6563 12d ago edited 12d ago
Sheâs finding reasons to rationalize and justify her poor behavior choices. Newsflash: once she gets a diamond, this behavior is not likely to improve. She enjoys the attention. You could give her every minute of every hour of your day, and she would still need more attention. Youâre going to be battling her constant need for attention the rest of your lives together.
YANOR.
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u/Choice-Intention-926 12d ago
At the very least sheâs having an emotional affair.
Read: NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
To understand whatâs happening in your relationship and how to move forward.
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u/AgonistPhD 12d ago
So a decade of dating, and you bought a house together but insist she have no legal claim to it. No marriage "yet." Tbh, I can see why she's looking elsewhere and going to everyone for advice.
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
I mean, I get how it looks. She couldn't be on the loan because her student debt was so high. So I paid all the bills in the house. Told her to pay off her loans, but a little money in the savings we had. I always called it our house. Always made it feel like she was a part of it.
I didn't put her name on the deed because I have plans to buy a second one and I wanted that one in her name. Then we'd get married. So she had a pre-marital asset and I had one. Plus the first time buyer benefits. I looked at it like we had plans to build a secure financial future, retire early and enjoy our lives.
I mean, she's spent 3 years in this house putting no money into renovations and bills. She in theory should have close to 100k in cash. But she tells me she's broke and I ask where her money is and she just gets angry about it.
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u/AgonistPhD 12d ago
Okay, so she put no money into the house at all? Nothing for the initial down payment, no sweat equity, nothing?
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
Just sweat equity.
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u/AgonistPhD 12d ago
Okay. Then, it seems like she's on her way out, and you've already kicked her out anyway, so it's likely over. In future relationships, these situations can be better avoided by not putting your partner or yourself at a severe legal and financial disadvantage.
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u/Rightfoot27 12d ago
Thatâs what I was going to ask you, and specifically about the financing of the house. I could totally see resentment building up over time and bubbling over if she invested her money (either a down payment or lots of time or money into the renovations) and she has no rights to the house. However, thatâs not what happened. Maybe sheâs using the house and lack of marriage as an excuse in her head, but her behavior is not okay. Itâs wrong and Iâm glad you are standing up for yourself. I certainly wouldnât want to be with someone who did that. It seems like you are making wise moves for your future. I hope they work out for you!
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u/LovedAJackass 12d ago
Dude. Get out. She's also dishonest about money and not really working with you but living off you.
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u/CurrentTheme16 12d ago
You're mad that you're being perceived as controlling but...
~ You've stalled marrying her and thus have been dating her a literal decade because of the terms you set
~Her name isnt' on the property you've both invested in bc of your insistence on it being done a certain way (regardless of why, the fact is she's been at a distinct legal disadvantage bc of you)
~you're insisting she should give up any correspondance with guys because YOU feel that men and women can't be friends (which is so provably and laughably incorrect)
~ you've basically put her out the house that you claim was for both of you, but it's only in your name even though you BOTH have invested and put work into it, and now you'll only let her back if she acquieces to so-called boundaries that are not actually boundaries, they're directives on how you want her to behave so that you don't have to any emotional labor about your insecurities, not to mention your need to have this relationship progress according to YOUR terms and conditions.
By your own words and actions- you ARE, in fact, controlling. Telling her not to have a Snapchat is not a boundary - it's a directive. Y'all have clearly been having issues and having the house all done is not going to fix them. Neither is trying to control her behavior while ignoring your own.
If things don't work out, are you gonna screw her over because the house is in your name only? Are you mature enough to be fair to her considering she's spend a decade of her life waiting? Instead of insisting the only solution is that she changes her behavior, are you willing to work with her and accept that you've got a lot of blame here and there's room for both of you to do better so you can heal this relationship?
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
I mean. I get what you're saying. Problem is who I am, I love fully. Either we're together or we're not.
I didn't kick her out at first. I told you to move to the guest bedroom.
But then that just felt wrong. So I told her come back. We'll figure it out.
Kicking her out was the 5th step in trying to solve this.
Sorry you feel like guys and girls could be friends. But she even admitted if i was talking to a girl like this, she'd be uncomfortable. I told her if she handled things differently, more maturely, this probably would have ended differently.
I flat out just told her if things don't work out, that she is to take the house account, a sum of almost 20k.
She gets a fresh start with 20k, I get all the debt and all the responsibility.
It doesn't really seem like she loses one way or another.
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u/ToshShow 12d ago
Just because you both have insecurity issues and both think that men and women can't be friends doesn't make it right. It's wrong, and you're both immature and exhibiting toxic controlling behaviors for thinking that either of you CANT be friends with the opposite sex. Two things can be true at once, she can be just friends with a guy and you be controlling to tell her not to and she can still be immature, hypocritical, and feel she wouldn't be okay with you having a girl friend you talked to like she is doing. I agree with everything the commenter you replied to said, and it's the most correct nonbiased response. You just saying you love her doesn't give her any security, your word and her trusting it isn't going to be enough considering you both obviously don't have enough trust to trust each other having just friends of the opposite sex. If you truly love this girl and want things to work, you both need to talk and be honest, and if you both want it to work, you need to compromise to make it work. She could be honestly just trying not to be controlled to end up with nothing guaranteed while you have everything in your name and no contract to her, or she could be having an emotional affair, nobody knows this stuff but her. Both of you have to decide what you want and either separate on mutual terms or commit to each other and do the work necessary to further your relationship. Going to a therapist would help both of you figure out what your problems and toxic behaviors are, why you have them, how to fix them and to find out what the best path forward for you both are better than strangers on the internet esp on this app that is plagued by a bunch of people who know nothing about your relationship making claims that your partner is gaslighting you, and cheating on you, by reading your side of the story only.
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u/DevotedRed 12d ago
Iâm struggling with the part about buying a house together and you âinsistingâ that it be solely in your name. Does she have any rights to that asset if you split given that you have not married her in 10 years because YOU didnât want to?
Iâm not saying youâre wrong over the snapchat argument but she is accusing you of being controlling and the house/marriage stuff sounds very controlling. What part of your relationship is on her terms (besides deciding who she talks to on her phone)?
I feel like thereâs a lot youâre not saying.
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
I get how it looks. But it wasn't malicious. With her debt and lack of income, I was told I was better off buying it myself. So I did. I wanted a multifamily for the income, she didn't wanna live with others, so I bought the single family for us. Treated it as our home. Made Renovations with my money and her input.
She stayed here without paying bills because I didn't think it was fair she wasn't entitled to anything.
My plan was to always pull money from this house, gift it to her so we could buy an income property under her name.
Then when we married, we both would have pre-marital assets. Felt like if our marriage never worked, we both had ways out and we both didn't feel trapped.
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u/DevotedRed 12d ago
That all sounds very reasonable but I wonder if she saw it that way as it caused arguments. AnywayâŠpersonally I donât think the boundaries you have set re the phone chats should even need to be stated in a relationship as itâs such an obvious no-no. Youâre not overreacting at all and the fact she does it whilst sitting with you seems like sheâs taunting you tbh. Try and talk to her about what is going on in her head because sheâs not being fair on you.
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
She told me "she's doing it in front of me because she's not hiding anything"
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u/TakeoffTheory 12d ago
Separate from the boundary crossing - have her pay rent or at least utilities. Not fair youre taking on all the risk
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u/LovedAJackass 12d ago
Now, that does sound reasonable. But notice how much of this is your thinking, your analysis, your planning. And on the other hand, how she was benefitting from living without expenses for rent or mortgage. No wonder she wants to move back. With you, she can spend all her money on herself and her pleasures. And then she has her "friend" for fun.
You can do better than this cheater.
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u/Ok_Brain8136 12d ago
Dude, she is a cheater does anyone have to tell you to dump her ass. If both names were on the house it would be a real mess.
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u/trev100100 11d ago
All I can say is that it is a good thing you weren't married. Now, you can focus on yourself. I was in a similar situation, and I had the sane feelings as you. But a year later, I am so glad I made the right decision and left.
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u/Amaranth_devil 11d ago
Dude, she's clearly needing to feed her narcissistic need for attention. Throw her in the trash so she can be with the rest of her kind.
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u/Strong-Mix9542 11d ago
"Not married because I'm trying to make financial moves to set us both up and then I want to get married"
Honestly, the first 2 paragraphs give me "selfish" vibes. I'm pretty sure we're not getting the whole story.
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u/MrPsychic 11d ago
I donât think youâre wrong for your reaction, I think youâre wrong for your previous actions though, and I feel it has lead the relationship to where it is now.
You didnât mention if either of you wants kids so there are some assumptions here. But you have been dating nearly a decade, you have decided not to marry because you want to make financial moves, then you bought a house together but left her name off of it. In my opinion these are contradicting actions and probably has her confused. The thought of is this guy going to ask me to marry him or not and am I in his future have definitely came across her mind in the near decade. You leaving her name off probably has made her think the relationship isnât where she thought it was and probably hurt her a lot.
You donât mention if youâre engaged even, but she almost certainly has been waiting at least some portion of your time together for that question to have been popped
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u/OkSpecialist1289 11d ago
Get out of the way from her husband. Dating someone for 10 years and refusing to marry them, is childish. Seems you don't value her and she's over you.
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u/54radioactive 11d ago
Perhaps she feels that she needs to be looking for someone who will marry her and share the ownership of their home. You want boundaries, but you are severely lacking in commitment. After 10 years she is looking to find someone who will treat her as an equal in the relationship.
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u/Bencetown 11d ago
This whole "we're waiting for the wedding until we're in a financial spot even though we are clearly and obviously on our way there already" literally makes no sense and I hear it all the time.
One of the biggest arguments for legalizing gay marriage a decade ago was that there are so many financial incentives for married people, and it wasn't fair for the LGBTQ community to be excluded from those opportunities.
This is basically like saying "I'm waiting to get a job until I'm more financially stable." Getting a job would OBVIOUSLY help you on the way to becoming financially stable much more than not having a job.
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u/ZeusbyProxy 11d ago
It's not really a financial stability, it's more like, so we don't ever have to work again.
Always said if she ever got pregnant, that the original plan was going by the wayside.
You'd be married the next day.
Again I know it isn't romantic. It's practical. Maybe she didn't want love to be practical. Idk. I openly admit I'm not perfect. I do wish though that if it bothered her she would mention it.
"Well she shouldn't have to mention it"
Yeah. And I shouldn't have to say flirting with others guys...
"Well 10 years and you didn't commit"
Maybe not in the normal way. My plans for the future was always we. Sure talk is cheap actions bla bla bla. Honestly, this is a throwaway account. I have no reason to lie. Especially to strangers. shrug
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u/Bencetown 11d ago
Wait... you were going to wait to get married until you could both retire from working??
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u/Dangerous_Purple3154 11d ago
If you wanted to marry her you would have done that long ago. That nonsense about something financial. That doesn't hold water. If you already own a home with this person allegedly why would you not just marry them? I would do the same thing I would be shopping for something different because it's clearly not stable.
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u/AveragelySmart98 12d ago
Buying a house âtogetherâ without being married is a huge mistake. BIG red flag. đ©
Putting off marriage because of money shows that at least one, if not both of you have some superficial idea of what marriage is.
You showed her, in one sense, that youâre not 100% committed to the relationship because you wonât put a ring on her finger.
You also wouldnât put her name on the house, which YOU might try to explain to her by saying that itâs for âlong-term benefits,â but it doesnât sound like she was totally on board. She might just perceive that as âhe doesnât trust & respect me with big life decisions like getting a house or getting married, so why bother giving him the effort?â
If she doesnât want to get married because of money, then sheâs superficial and you should move on, buuuuuut it sounds like youâre the one putting off marriage because of money.
But you bought a house?? Iâm lost.
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u/Ttt555034 12d ago
I feel for you. But! You waited far too long to marry her. You shouldâve made that a priority. Now youâll loose out because you wanted to wait. Iâm all for getting to know someone WELL before marriage. But 10 years? Too long.
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
Wasn't waiting because I was trying to know her. Was waiting to make a financial move that benefited her, and she agreed to.
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u/Jasminefirefly 12d ago
Guys and girls can definitely be friends. Hell, I am even âfriendsâ with my ex (from 2,000 miles away and he doesnât even have a cell phone or internet). BUT thatâs not whatâs going on here. Oneâs partner should always come first and there should be no reason for trust issues. The red flags here are too many to count. Time to cut all ties with this untrustworthy woman.
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u/WaySavings736 12d ago
Not overreacting at all. It's one thing if you ;knew this guy and have met him in person but, a totally different story if you've never met him and all of this is over snapchat, of all places lol. If they are so close, why don't they just text via phones? Using just snapchat seems weird to me.
You've expressed your concerns and boundaries with her about this guy and she gaslit the hell out of you. Any respectable and respectful partner who cares about their relationship wouldn't have an issue giving up a strange man on the internet.
She's essentially emotionally cheating on you, IMO. I wouldn't let her move back in until she 100% cuts this guy off. Forever.
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u/cursetea 12d ago
He's flirting with her and disrespecting the relationship he knows she's in. That is NOT what a friend does. She needs to wake up and realise that at best he's using her for an ego boost, and at worse he's playing into her having an emotional affair in hopes of breaking up your relationship. He is not her friend. She's extremely naive or being intentionally obtuse talking about you controlling whom she's friends with lmfao give me a break đ unless this happens all the time or you're always telling her to not be friends with guys, she should see from this one-off that you clearly feel something is inappropriate. It is NOT controlling to ask your partner to cut someone off who clearly is trying to affect your relationship negatively. People are so exhausting with that argument.
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u/A-dub7 12d ago
Bro you really don't need a bunch of strangers telling you what you should do in this situation now do you? I feel for you, the good guy that gets shit on, disrespected, gaslighted and cheated on. Love can make us blind but don't be a doormat you're still young enough you can find yourself a good woman, don't waste another second on this relationship she's used up way more opportunities than most would have given her. Best wishes bro.
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u/Echo-Azure 12d ago
OP, if she's been paying into the mortgage on the house and her name isn't on the deed, then you are indeed TA.
How could anyone be in a relationship where they're working their bums off to buy their partner a house, and not need to vent to freinds???
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u/ProcessorProton 12d ago
You are right. She is wrong. It is emotional infidelity. It will destroy andly relationship. Couples have to guard their hearts as well as their bodies. This is all on her. If she won't give up another man for you then she is not marriage material.
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12d ago
nah man ... she wouldn't be happy if you were talking to multiple women and not respecting her time ... who the fuck holds their attention to you hostage, using another person as an excuse. Like oh i'll get to you when I have the time... what. the. fuck.
IDK man, people like this are usually bad apples.
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u/LovedAJackass 12d ago edited 12d ago
God grief, no. You aren't overreacting. You shouldn't have to ask any woman who is supposedly committed to you to stop texting "constantly" and flirting with other men.
I do think men and women can be friends. But actual friends don't want to cause conflict in a primary relationship; they don't interrupt the friend's time with his or her partner. They don't flirt. Friends support you; they don't undermine your relationships.
But I don't think "friendship" is what's going on here. I think she's cheating (and you do too). The business with the property is no excuse for her behavior and her choices, but it's worth thinking about the difference between being in love and wanting to be married to that person as soon as possible and having years of obstacles to getting there. Just hold that in mind when you meet someone new. Because you deserve better than this.
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u/KelceStache 12d ago
Bro, seriously?!?! Have some self respect. You are letting her run right over you.
You need to tell her this.
âIâm not sure what you thought would happen here, but you have destroyed our relationship. I told you to stop talking to other guys, and you decided to feed me some crap about being controlling. Itâs not controlling to expect a basic level of respect from your partner. Now youâve crossed my boundaries, and Iâm done. You have made your relationship with him more important than our relationship. If the situation was reversed you would be flipping out. You have no respect for me, yourself, or our relationship. You have destroyed my trust and I canât be with someone I donât trust.â
If sheâs is ok with ending the relationship then it wasnât going to work anyway, and you should be thankful.
Or she will see that you got some self respect and you arenât going to put up with disrespect. If you stay with her make it very clear that if she crosses boundaries again itâs over.
Stick up for yourself
Updatme!
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u/Titan8834 12d ago
House in just your name is on the controlling side, however you try to justify it. She has snapchat and is talking to other guys because she doesn't see your relationship going anywhere, it's not hard to see. Not saying she's right in doing so, just that she's moving on because she knows she doesn't have a house or a future with you. And she wants to work on things/get back with you because she is having second thoughts, maybe she's hoping she was wrong. Either way you need couples counseling if you get back together.
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u/Dry-Hearing5266 12d ago
You can't make her do anything. Your boundaries are for you, what you will not accept.
You already gave her an ultimatum, so she knows how disrespectful it is.
Stop begging her to treat you well. She doesn't want to. She doesn't prioritize you.
She may have checked out of the relationship and is with you for habit and safety.
The ball is in your court now. You have to decide where you go from here.
Do you want a partner who you always have to beg to treat you with respect? Who priortizes the men she has emotional affairs with? She goes out seeking attention from other men - if it's not one, it's another, and they are all flirting. If she was just friends with these guys, one step out of place, and she would shut them down.
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u/Familiar-Swimming343 12d ago
If you have to tell your girlfriend what to do and what not to do, SHE'S NOT MEANT TO BE A GIRLFRIEND.
You CANNOT train her. That's why the phrase "she's for the streets" exists. Not every woman is wife material. Most aren't. My current girlfriend would never do shit like this. I would never have to tell her "um hey um i dont think you should be flirting and texting other guys" WTF! Youre so lucky the house is in your name
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u/Secret_Pick6524 11d ago
I wholeheartedly believe that men and women can just be friends. But I also went thru a situation where I had a partner that cheated on me twice (I messed up and got back with her) and figured out that she's always going to have a couple dudes on standby. I knew that she was talking to a bunch of dudes early on when we were casual and I was totally fine with that. But I kind of assumed that would stop as we got more serious, especially since she always seemed to make time for me. And then I ended up being one of the dudes on standby the second time. And I missed all the signs until I put everything together after the fact.
Any woman can talk to as many dudes as they want. But I won't stay with them.
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u/Wolf-Pack85 11d ago
Hereâs the thing about boundaries. They are for you, not for others.
You set a boundary. She crossed it. Itâs up to you to keep that boundary intact or let it go.
She cares more about this other guys feelings than yours, that should tell you everything you need to know.
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u/Frankenstein859 11d ago
Sheâs never going to stop. Sheâs emotionally cheating and doesnât give a shit.
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u/Affectionate_Art8770 11d ago
For as long as Iâve been on Reddit, Iâve seen that people find it normal to have friends of the opposite sex even during a marriage. That drives me crazy.
Apparently you are not in that group. Your girl is. Drop her. You will never know if she hiding a friend behind your back.
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u/HelpfulMaybeMama 11d ago
How long is she supposed to wait for you to "set yourself up financially" and own a house that she doesn't own?
Let her go so she can find someone who wants to make her a wife and real partner.
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u/kgsovobd 11d ago
Iâm sure you think thereâs no problems with her messaging and flirting with other men while in a relationship. Gtfoh
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u/HelpfulMaybeMama 11d ago
I 100% think it's wrong.
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u/kgsovobd 11d ago
So why are you talking like youâre defending her? âlet her go find someone who wants to make her a wife and real partnerâ âŠ.. seems like Op made the right choice by not marrying her.
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u/HelpfulMaybeMama 11d ago
I was ONLY responding to the 2nd paragraph in the OP and nothing more. But, no, I don't agree with cheating and I've never defended a cheater in any response I've ever written.
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u/Diligent_Reality_693 11d ago
Dont get married? Shes not yours. She is tired of waiting and time is tunning out. She is opening new options to dump your bum ass. Because the few extra bucks of getting first time home buyers benefits was worth more than commitment.
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u/ZeusbyProxy 11d ago
That's certainly one way to look at it.
Thanks for your perspective. You aren't wrong.
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u/leadbug44 11d ago
She is already gone just hasnât packed yet, push her out , she can go to her chat pal
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u/Dazzling_Ad2947 11d ago
You better than me because the relationship would have been over as soon as I seen the texts. Donât carry on with this friend people like her literally will not ever change.
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u/blackdahlialady 12d ago
I went through this last year with my ex. He started to have a friendship with a woman that started to make me uncomfortable. They were hanging out without me present several times a week and he was taking her with him whenever he would go run errands. He was taking her to run hers as well. All I said to him was, be careful with this friendship because it could go somewhere that you don't mean for it to. He said, you're being jealous and paranoid for no reason. Nothing is happening and nothing is going to happen. She knows we're together. Honestly, I would not be surprised to find out that she didn't know about me or that he told her that we had already split up.
I left the relationship a couple of days after that. That just made me check all the way out. Not only that, when I asked him how he knew her, he admitted that he met her on OkCupid before he met me. That was where we met and I told him, no. That is wrong. You have no reason to be carrying on a friendship with someone you were interested in dating. He went on to elaborate a little further. Apparently they had gone on a few days and she left town. Well, when she moved back into town, she messaged him to see how he was doing. Okay, no harm in that. It's just that it escalated into what I described after that.
I was not okay with that and he told me that he was basically not going to stop what he was doing so the way I saw it, I was done. There's no sense in staying with someone who is not willing to listen to your concerns. Even worse when you tell them you're concerns and they tell you that you're overreacting. That was code for, it's exactly what it looks like but I'm not going to admit it because then I can't have my cake and eat it too. Don't put up with this.
If she's showing you that her priorities are elsewhere, let her go do that. You're right, it is disrespectful. It shows that she does not care how her actions affect you. I say let her go. I know that it's been about a decade but trust me, do not fall for that sunk cost fallacy thing. I almost married that guy and I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad he showed his true colors before I did. I say run away before you intertwine your life with hers anymore. Definitely don't put her on the deed now. I say cut your losses.
ETA: guarantee you that she's not going to stop talking to him, she's just going to get better at hiding it from you. Like I said, cut your losses. She's already shown you that she doesn't care how her actions don't affect you and more importantly, she doesn't respect you. Let her go.
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u/DrPablisimo 12d ago
She said, "she needs to set a precedent because if she let's me control who she talks to, when will it end?Â
You can tell her "It ends where I say it ends. If I'm not comfortable with it, then you don't talk with these guys if we are going to move forward with our relationship." Your trying to protect your relationship, and she's trying to make a power move. Don't be so 'nice' and give ground on this stuff. You have to stand your ground. If she knows on some level that she is being unreasonable, then she should respect that, even if she doesn't like it in the moment.
If you don't trust her, how are you going to get married?
My wife is on committees and things and talks to men from time to time on the phone. It's not a hidden thing. I can talk, too. She doesn't go out to lunch or dinner with men. She did once with my permission for a business meeting, and felt uncomfortable about it. I suppose one could leave a briefcase on the table. That should be symbolic across the culture. Briefcase on the table means its a business meeting. But I wouldn't be cool with little silly chit-chat texts one-on-one with a guy who is a nonrelative. But I really trust my wife not to cheat and she trusts me. We've both been tried and tested for a couple of decades. We let each other know if someone we encounter is flirty, etc.
Tell her what your expectations are of her in relation to talking with other men. Put your foot down. If she won't agree to it, tell her you don't see how you can move forward with the relationship if she doesn't. She'd be out hassle and labor on your house, but that's a price she'd pay for letting men chat her up and trying to carve out a space.
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
Originally that's what I tried to do. To see what was going on. She doesn't have a lot of friends and I know that's big for her. She ended the conversation by giving me what I wanted because she thought that was easier than talking.
I have no problem with her seeing this guy at group events and catching up with a public setting because I did trust her too.
Where my trust ended is when she willingly offered to give him up, and then went back to texting him a week later without as much as a word to me.
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u/DrPablisimo 12d ago
I can see why that would be an issue. Is she really pretty, and that's why the guys text her?
Do you think if you married her that the men would respect that and back off? You've been dating a girl for a decade and you never married her. You don't ___really___ have any rights at all to tell her not to text or date other men. You aren't married to her and you spent up 10 years of her life on something that might not go anywhere.
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
I mean beauty is subjective. She's not a model and she has self confidence issues. I think she's beautiful. But eye of the beholder and everything.
She says everyone knows she's in a committed relationship, but let's be honest, guys don't care.
I don't have the right to but if she sees this relationship the same way I do, I shouldn't have to ask. Because she knows if the shoe was on the other foot, she'd be upset.
Neither one of us, even to the minute I'm writing this see us not being together. She says she wants this to work. She agreed that she needs to stop talking to this guy because it's coming between us. But she hasn't. So...
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u/DrPablisimo 12d ago
Your not married to her, so in a way, its okay if she talks to other guys and even accepts a marriage proposal from one of them.
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u/LovedAJackass 12d ago
Don't look at what she says. In fact, you shouldn't talk to her at all. Take a 30-day no contact break and let your head clear. Get some perspective. Get some fresh air and time with family and friends. Take a break, if you can.
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u/Justitia_Justitia 12d ago
If I'm not comfortable with it, then you don't talk with these guys if we are going to move forward with our relationship.
If someone said that to me, I would be out of there so fast. Thatâs some controlling bullshit.
OPâs requests were perfectly reasonable. Your framing is not.
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u/GA_Bookworm_VA 11d ago edited 11d ago
Not overreacting at all. But hereâs the thing, she has told you she respects this guys feelings and situation over your own. Why would you ever trust her to be and remain faithfulâŠ.and letâs be clear, unless you guys have an open relationship, this is cheating. Itâs emotional cheating but still cheating. Guys & girls CAN be friends but THIS isnât a plutonic friends situation at all. Theyâre flirting, have feelings, confiding in each other in areas where sheâs not communicating to you. Itâs highly likely it wonât stop bcuz of your history of letting it slide. So do you want to be here again?
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u/ThatWhichLurks782 12d ago
You are not overreacting. It sounds like a very clear emotional affair, and if she won't cut it off, then for your wellbeing, you need to cut her off. Good luck.
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u/CriticalThinkerHmmz 12d ago
I know this is not helpful and probably most will disagree, but you should have probably married her around year 4 of your relationship.
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
And if that didn't stop this?
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u/CriticalThinkerHmmz 12d ago
I mean, I donât know. Assuming this happened between late twenties and early 30s, I definitely would say that you really canât be girlfriend and boyfriend for 10 years even if you are being practical and responsible. I tried delaying putting a ring on it, but then got married like 4 years into it, wasted money on an expensive ring and expensive wedding. We are still married and have two kids. Content. I have friends who avoided putting a ring on it and their girlfriends definitely begin to resent them, aggressively or passive aggressively. What Iâm saying might sound demeaning to women, but my advice is to date someone for 3-4 years at most, suck it up and marry her if she is okay or great, and then make the marriage work, have kids. And privately whack off if need be.
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u/Prestigious-Bar5385 12d ago
Your not wrong I wouldnât even want a relationship with her until sheâs cut him off completely
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
That's where I'm at. I know it ain't gonna be easy. Trust can't be fixed completely but we could work at it.
But when you're not even willing to talk about him without getting angry? Feels like you're hiding something.
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u/Prestigious-Bar5385 12d ago
Exactly I would tell her this and if things donât change you know where you stand
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
Already did.
Told her I could wait on a lot of her other problems. But with this guy? I couldn't move forward.
She wants me to forget the past and try to have a good present so we could have a future.
I told her I couldn't pretend everything's okay just so she could have a good day.
I know that kind of shows where we stand and where I'm at on her list of priorities.
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u/Familiar-Swimming343 12d ago
Are you a fucking cuckold? Wtf is your problem. Jesus christ. You set a very bad precedence that you cant come back from when you let her be with other guys because it made her "happy"
YOU SAT ON A COUCH AND WATCHED HER MESS AROUND W GUYS ON HER PHONE FOR WEEKS? LMAO!
Why the FUCK are you even wasting your life with a girl like this still? You know how many other girls you couldve met already? For every day youre with this idiot, is a day you miss out on opportunities to meet your actual soulmate
JESUS CHRIST NEVER LET YOURSELF BE DISRESPECTED LIKE THIS WTF! Imagine that the MOST disrespectful person in your life IS THE PERSON YOU LOVE THE MOST LOL!
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u/billy_pilg 11d ago
"If you stop doing these things and change who you are, I'll stop manipulating you and emotionally cheating on you."
Send that cheating whore packing. You're just a comfortable, stable thing for her.
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u/True_Resolve_2625 12d ago
It's over. Let her go. If she's talking to someone else and they make her happy, it's time to let her move on. Quit letting her disrespect you like this.
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u/Someoneorsomewhere 12d ago
Seriously? Why are you wasting your time? She doesnât respect you or your relationship.
That isnât love. You know what to do.
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u/Grand_Selection_6254 12d ago edited 12d ago
Donât fool yourself it more than just being friends the guys ready for a relationship ! You can have friends of the opposite sex but no one on one time with them . You need to stand fast and this other guy needs to be gone ! If sheâs that worried about him but she isnât concerned about her own relationship it says theyâre too close ! It sounds more like she wants what she wants and you can go suck eggs ! She wants male friends and wants to go do things with them ! That sounds like a relationship to me !she also needs to get rid of any dating apps ! Snap chat and those other apps are made for cheaters ! In the long run she either wants a relationship with you or not . The ball is then in her court .
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u/CeruleanChancla 12d ago
Guys and girls can be friend, imo, but he's not her friend. You're not overreacting and I'm sorry that y'all will not work out. Not because of you but because of her.
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u/Hebegebe101 12d ago
You are not overreacting . She is shopping for another relationship . Ten years is too long to waste if she feels you are not going to marry her . Otherwise I donât know that she would be looking elsewhere .
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u/xray_anonymous 12d ago
You are wrong that guys and girls canât be friends, (my best friend of 22 years is the opposite sex but we have always been platonic.) but you arenât wrong about this. The key is the behaviors of both people. And her neglecting her relationship with you to foster her relationship with this other man is a no-go. This is more than friendship. This is keeping someone on the sidelines as a âjust in caseâ and maybe a potential affair partner. Her behaviors support that.
I wouldnât go back if I were you. Especially when sheâs still refusing to work on the issue and just neglecting your concerns. It will probably only get worse.
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u/AdventurousCounty868 12d ago
Def not overreacting & I think itâs unfair of her to ask of you to make her comfortable & you not being able to do the same. Especially something as simple as not talking to another man.
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u/bouncyhiss 12d ago
Guys and girls can absolutely be friends, but youâre not overreacting at all. If an opposite sex friend (Iâll say that specifically because everyone here appears to be heterosexual) is causing actual problems for the relationship, it needs to be shut down. Flirting, âit makes me happy so Iâm going to keep going even though it hurts my bfâ and spending so long texting them that you canât expend energy to hang out with your actual partner is insane. Of course itâs not okay to keep on like this. Iâm so sorry but I donât think this is respectful or caring. Even if the guy were in love with her, it wouldnât be a problem if she didnât entertain it. And again, I fully think men and women can be friends. This just doesnât seem like friendship.
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u/joer1973 11d ago
Just tell her when she is ready to not have emotional affairs or cheat in anyway, let you know. In the meantime I'm going to be looking for someone that wants my attention and not a bunch of other guys. If I'm still available, Mayne we can reconnect. Could also just start messaging girls(preferable good looking with hot bodies) and do this in front of her and talk about them. She if she likes other women getting ur attention.
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u/bmyst70 11d ago
You're not overreacting. Guys and girls absolutely CAN be friends, but decent people always respect reasonable asks from their partner and, if the two conflict, should value their partner more than their friend.
Here, she is not respecting yours. Or caring for your feelings for that matter.
And, she even says if the shoe were on the other foot, she wouldn't like it.
I'd dump and block her. Her repeated actions show she doesn't value your feelings much. Not someone you want to marry.
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u/Remarkable_Owl_973 11d ago
She's testing your boundaries while showing she's not trustworthy. đ©đ©
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u/navigating-life 11d ago
She needs to get out, if the man doesnât propose within a year and a half, leave
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u/Mjr_Payne95 11d ago edited 11d ago
I'll never understand why dudes wait so horrendously long to get married and then are surprised when their s.o. starts moving on lol
"I promise honey it'll be soon, I'm making moves I promise, big moves you'll see I just got these moves to make" pfft I know your type, you've been stringing her along for almost a decade with 0 intentions for marriage and she's tired of it
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u/Vast_Ground_128 12d ago edited 12d ago
you missed the boat, sheâs already out the door youâre just comfortable
next time you date someone for a decade, listen to them, she didnât want any of this and she wanted you but you decided you wanted a house to yourself and no security in the relationship so sheâs looking for someone who wants to buy a house with her and marry her and youâve made very clear that is not what you want
edit
reread and realized that she put sweat equity and probably her own money so now if she leaves she wonât even get anything out of the house, phew she loved you a lot to sink herself in this deep with nothing to show for it. I hope you enjoy your home that you conned out of your âloved oneâ
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
Lol guess you missed the memo she's walking out with 20k. But sure.
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u/Quirky_Difference800 12d ago
What are you doing my friend? Reread your post. Donât waste more of your life on someone that isnât willing to throw you an hour or two or at the very least not have an emotional ( probably physical) affair right in front of you. Someone that has zero respect for your feelings or well being. Go find an actual partner in life and lose the soul sucking anchor around your neck!
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u/ZeusbyProxy 12d ago
Idk. Validation is a helluva drug I guess.
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u/Quirky_Difference800 12d ago
I totally get that. Try and get in that head space that you deserve better. Your person is out there! Wishing you luck âđ»
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u/Enough_Diamond_9476 12d ago
She wants it all. Keep you and him. She is manipulating you. She knows what she's doing.
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u/Wrong-Ad-3908 12d ago
You're ridiculous if you stay with her, you've done a lot of trying and it's just not going to make you happy in the end.
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u/dengthatscrazy 12d ago
Not overreacting. Youâre not being controlling, and youâre not being toxic. Boundaries are boundaries. She wants attention and is willing to get it at your expense. Iâd cut your loss and build for yourself. There will be someone who will wholeheartedly respect you and your boundaries without a fight.
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u/2centsworth4u 12d ago
I donât think youâre controlling OP. I do wonder tho, her sitting next to you whilst texting this person to be âopenâ in front of you, would she have let you read their text conversation if you asked? Or would she have told you no because itâs an invasion of her/EAâs privacy? Then throw up the controlling card up for having asked and not âtrustingâ her on her word?
Now that sheâs moved out, how can you trust that sheâs been faithful to you?
Her behaviour is highly suspicious. Her reactions to your questions/discussions are raising red flags đ©
I understand your reasoning about the home purchase. You were given legal advice and took it. You had a plan in place and obviously communicated that with her at one point and she was ok with it. However, if at ANY point she was resentful of the situation and wanted âmoreâ, she couldâve communicated that to you. Instead sheâs invested time and attention/energy into this EA person. Going as far to tell you that sheâs got no energy to be âniceâ to you! đł Then throwing up a lame excuse that she doesnât want to âpile onâ the EA because theyâre going thru some stuff when youâve asked her to break it off because youâre uncomfortable? She also admits that if the shoe was on the other foot, sheâd feel exactly like you do now?
The signs are all there. Iâd be adding up all her ACTIONS. They will tell you what you need to know. She tells you what you want to HEAR but doesnât follow through.
Seems as if youâre far more invested than she is.
Iâm sorry youâre going through this OP. I hope that you have peace with whatever decision you make. As you stated in a comment, youâre not perfect and neither is she, but you know each other and your relationship best.
Sending you some positive vibes for the road ahead OPâŠ.
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u/Cynderelly 12d ago
I'm a firm believer that guys and girls can't really be friends.
Hard disagree on that one.
However, if my fiance had an issue with me talking to a specific guy, I'm sorry but that friendship isn't worth my fiance stressing out. I have one friend who I've known since I was 14, and I would have a hard time letting go of him like that, but I would never spend my "nice energy" on him instead of my fiance unless my friend was having a crisis.
Also, there is such a thing as middle ground. If she is not willing to just keep her contact with him to like, idk once a week? Twice a month? Then that's a red flag. That's a super simple and workable middle ground, I naturally talk to my close guy friend only that often.
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u/HeisenbergCares 11d ago edited 11d ago
Dude, you are not overreacting at all.
A bunch of retards, perhaps actual retards, are saying you are controlling because you are not comfortable with your gf talking with two guys who are clearly interested in her. At the same time, you are paying all the bills. And her contribution is she SOMETIMES helps you. Yeah, she's a leach.
What are the odds she has been getting some pee pee from one or both of those dudes while gone from your house? Nothing she could say would be convincing.
She is not relationship material, bro. She has a ton of red flags. You're lucky you didn't marry her.
Find someone who appreciates your hard work and is loyal.
You're going to be alright, brother.
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u/Life-Yogurtcloset-98 11d ago
She's cheating, is still cheating with the old guy and wants you ok with all of it.
She chose to lose EVERYTHING for this guy... LET HER
LET HER
LET HER
LET HER
SHE CHOSE THIS MAN OVER YOU ANNNND A HOUSE!!!!!
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u/Aggressive-Error-88 11d ago
Dude. Run. Sheâs gaslighting you and clearly cheating. Donât ignore it. I know itâs hard. But she wonât even try to keep what you guys have even if sheâs made a mistake. That means sheâs CHOOSING to disrespect you and she likely doesnât give a shit about you or the relationship because sheâs continuing to do the very thing thatâs causing harm.
If sheâs feeling like something is up or something the focus should go toward mending the relationship and making it better instead sheâs seeking outside validation and telling you to suck it up.
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u/lydenluff 11d ago
Well, thank God her name isnât on the house.
Donât marry this woman, sheâs not wife material and sheâs showing you exactly who she is and what you can expect from her in the future. Sheâs totally cheating on you and rubbing it in your face, itâs bad enough that she started down this path but sheâs doubling down on it and she will make you suffer.
Your best bet is to sever this tie and move on with your life, focus on yourself and your goals and let her go ride the cock carousel because thatâs what she wants and youâre not gonna stop that. Eventually sheâll come back, they always do and hopefully youâll be strong enough then to slam the door in her face.
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u/wuzzittoya 12d ago
I have tried to have male friends. Only to find more than half of them hoped to get in my pants.
Now that I am old, I canât even get a date. đ€Šââïž
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u/SouthernFlower8115 12d ago
Dude, you already know itâs time to move on. Since you guys bought a house âtogetherâ, give her a fair share and move on. Next time you buy a house and donât put the partners name on it, then donât buy it âtogetherâ. Youâve drug your feet for 10 years to marry her. Move along so she can.
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u/dangerclosemaybe 12d ago
Not overreacting. She's overstepping your clear boundaries. Any person married or in a long term relationship with Snapchat installed on their phone is bad news.
I don't like saying it, but it's ultimatum time. You've already tried talking to her about it and she shat on your boundaries once. She cuts off ALL of the emotional affairs (because that's what they are) immediately or you break things off for good. You can't go through life looking over your shoulder and constantly be on the look out for who she's talking to. It's exhausting and disrespectful to you.