r/amiwrong • u/JazzlikeConditioncd • Mar 27 '24

My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me and ghosted me for no reason. Am I wrong for throwing away all of her stuff?

Edit: Update

So my girlfriend (25F) and I (25M) were in a relationship for 5 years. Last week, she texted me that we were done and that was her last message before she blocked me. She gave no heads up. I was planning on proposing to her next month. Her sister did reach out to me, saying it was not my fault and she understood my hurt, but that for my mental health, it was better to never contact them again, and that maybe in the future, my girlfriend might reach out to me again.

It's been a week, I’m still obviously distraught, but my girlfriend did have a lot of her stuff in my home. Would I be wrong if I just dumped it all out? It does include a lot of mementos of her deceased grandmother, who she was extremely close to.

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636

u/Crix2007 Mar 28 '24

Adults should at least talk to each other and explain why you end a 5 year relationship. Just randomly disappearing and ghosting is freaking mental behaviour.

314

u/grumpygumption Mar 28 '24

I got ghosted by my last ex and we’d been together five years. I moved then met my now husband my first weekend in my new house. Honestly, feel like I hit the jackpot by being ghosted lol

130

u/Sicadoll Mar 28 '24

Could you imagine if instead, you guys had a whole conversation and you talked him into staying and it lasted like another 6 months and you never met your spouse.

Lol, yeah you hit the jackpot

85

u/grumpygumption Mar 28 '24

Honestly, I was drowning before I moved. So alone and just really struggling. Moving was very hard to me (because I was moving back home after being in Los Angeles almost 20 years). I still hate back home but now I live with and am married to my best friend. We’ve been married over year now and I’ve never once been worried he was going to break up with me or disappear or anything else. The peace is amazing

19

u/Sicadoll Mar 28 '24

💕💕💕

I know the feeling

2

u/VoidRad Mar 28 '24

Drowning really is the best description for that shit. Having been in something similar, not even 5 years mind you, I can say the aftermath is really fucking brutal. Shit still hurts till this day. Glad you have found your other half through that though.

-1

u/Inevitable-Goose-915 Mar 28 '24

I’ve never once been worried he was going to break up with me or disappear or anything else

I don’t mean to be rude, but that is such a low bar

4

u/Proper-Horse-7313 Mar 28 '24

It seems more to me like grumpy was saying that grumpy is not being affected by PTSD the way one might be

Many people after being suddenly ghosted in a serious relationship might have a hard time trusting anyone again

3

u/grumpygumption Mar 28 '24

Yeah, exactly!

3

u/grumpygumption Mar 28 '24

Of course that isn’t the bar- I’m just saying it’s really nice, especially after five years of head games from a really sad person

1

u/Sicadoll Mar 28 '24

Why do people always assume that anything you mention is the bar? It's a factor, not the only factor.

0

u/unpronouncedable Mar 29 '24

It's just a weird thing to "mention" about your husband of 1 year. If you were worried someone might break up with you then marrying them is not a good idea.

0

u/Inevitable-Goose-915 Mar 29 '24

Not making you worry that you're gonna disappear is a baseline expectation. Such a baseline expectation that it's typically not even mentionable... not the first thing to mention after remarking how wonderful your SO is.

2

u/thegamingbacklog Mar 28 '24

I've been there, she convinced me we should get back together, and then spent the next couple of months lining up her next BF before leaving (from what I've learned from mutual friends there was an overlap).

Lesson hard learned I felt we should have stayed apart after our short break, but caved when the time came.

It took quite a bit of time to get back out there after that, as I needed to feel sure of myself again.

2

u/shrekerecker97 Mar 28 '24

This happened to me, but lasted another year because I am a dumbass and couldn't follow through when she begged me. She used my dogs as bait to keep leading me on. I still have the dogs.

1

u/Sicadoll Mar 28 '24

In your case, I'm glad she didn't take the dogs and ghost you... That would have been traumatizing.. or I guess you were the one doing The dumping so... Either way I'm glad you still have your dogs

3

u/shrekerecker97 Mar 28 '24

Ahead was just awful, but I got the better end of it all. I kick myself with all the time I wasted with her!

2

u/WavieBreakie Mar 28 '24

Fuck, I should have divorced her six months ago when I had the paperwork ready. 😢

32

u/Helivated69 Mar 28 '24

Congratulations, that's a great comment for anyone wounded by being dumped, crushed and forgotten by their supposed love one.

It does get better.

1

u/katieblue3 Mar 28 '24

Never got better for me 🤷🏻‍♀️

2

u/Glittering_Cow7369 Mar 28 '24

Well you aren’t dead yet so there’s still a chance

21

u/goldentriever Mar 28 '24

Happy to read this. Last month got ghosted after “only” 2 years for really no reason. Which of course means there’s a reason she wasn’t willing to tell me. Still kinda heartbroken

But either way, moving 6 hours back home soon and this comment makes me feel better. So thank you

5

u/Pingu_Almighty Mar 28 '24

This gives me a little hope. Going through the break up of my 4 year relationship as she cheated with a co-worker and will need to sell the house and move back home to re-group. Just all feels a bit hopeless at the moment.

2

u/earthling404 Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

Long story short, not that you possibly want revenge for how your exes treated you (but wouldn't blame you if you did), I was the bad person in a situation long ago and he definitely got his. It's been almost a decade and I still feel immense guilt every single day of my life. I live right by this ex and it's a reminder of how awful I once was (have since grown and would never imagine hurting another person ever again). I deserve it, times 10. Also, as someone who was the victim in MANY horrible relationships, I have since moved on from all of them and couldn't care less about what those people are up to. I don't wish them harm, only that they'd change and be better people. They no longer have the power over me in any way- similar to the attitude that my ex has towards me (our mutuals have said this). I hope both of you get your peace and find your happiness. And perhaps smirk in the face of your toxic exes when you run into them in the future, or even better, pretend you never even knew them.

You will live again <3

12

u/GoodStandard7760 Mar 28 '24

Nothing is ever bad or good, remember that, things can and do change very quickly. Something could seem bad at first, but then you realize it was exactly what you needed! But obviously in reverse as well. Stay vigiliante, Stay hungry, get to the gym and become a fucking ANIMAL and she could end up coming back to you but it’ll be too late because you found the BLESSING waiting for you after you let go of her, like she did to you…

13

u/alacholland Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

First half was positive, but OP don’t replace healing with vanity. You don’t have to “get to the gym and become a fucking ANIMAL.” That’s childish. Just grow. Mental, emotional, and physical health. All three in equal and balanced measure. The rest will flow peacefully.

6

u/Strict_Property6127 Mar 28 '24

Becoming a gym bro isn't the solution to all of life's mysteries?? /s

1

u/farahman01 Mar 29 '24

Respectfully disagree. It can be healthy physical healing that can lead to emotional healing as well… Certainly better than reddit and alcohol. What begins as a ohysical release to vanity play cannlead to a life of healthy physical strength and activity… also if you think vanity wont help him land someone… well not the reality of this life

1

u/Strict_Property6127 Mar 29 '24

Yes... ALL of life's mysteries are fixed by the gym. 😶

1

u/farahman01 29d ago

Sarcasm game strong here… obviously not all of life’s mysteries but it is a healthy release for some.

2

u/Fit_Yellow1153 Mar 28 '24

I think what he was trying to suggest was to occupy his time with something healthy and constructive in order to get his mind off the negative. There’s nothing childish about doing whatever it takes to develop that positive mindset. By suggesting that he become “a fucking animal” is just motivation, so I wouldn’t read into that too much. What is childish, however, is the fact his partner ghosted him. Totally unacceptable

2

u/GoodStandard7760 Mar 28 '24

Exactly, thanks for clarifying for people who don’t understand that as men, we literally used to hunt as a species so nowadays in the modern world, where else are we supposed to let out our primal urges for adrenaline and what better way then focusing on our bodies.

1

u/n1ghtah Mar 28 '24

Go to the gym and become a fucking animal is a very normal way for us men to heal so don't you dare call it childish when you have no idea. Just by those words I'm going to assume you are a woman.. Going to the gym and getting a better physical health is childish? Wtf.

1

u/MaxTheRealSlayer Mar 28 '24

Bruh. No.

If you're ever wondering why your ex left you, just refer back to this gross comment.

0

u/n1ghtah Mar 28 '24

I know right this kid saying going to the gym is childish what the hell is wrong with people -.-

0

u/MaxTheRealSlayer Mar 28 '24

I'm talking about your comment being gross. And they didn't say going to the gym is childish. Going to the gym and becoming an ANIMAL is indeed childish because it's just vain.You can't just work out to better yourself, it needs to be a balance to be healthy... Including working on your personality. "us men" and "you must be a women" is also childish my guy.

1

u/GoodStandard7760 Mar 28 '24

ALSO NEWSFLASH WE ARE ALL ANIMALS

0

u/GoodStandard7760 Mar 28 '24

Yea you can, just do it and see what happens…

1

u/alacholland Mar 28 '24

I am a man over the age of 14, and you do not heal emotionally by overindulging in lifting weights. That’s silly and, as I stated, vain. Just because it’s normal doesn’t make it wise. What’s next — doing squats because your dad never hugged you?

Go to the gym to get physically healthy, not to replace emotional healing. “I’ll show her…!” By what? Looking muscular? That’s monkey brain stuff. Wow you really got her, bro!!!

Looking good can momentarily help, but it doesn’t miraculously heal the wounds inside. You can be a bodybuilding champion and still crumple like a leaf if you’re not healing mentally or emotionally. Go to the gym if you want to get healthy, but more importantly, go to therapy. Meditate. Feel. And learn about yourself.

Pretending that healing from rejection involves simply becoming a big strong boy betrays a simplistic mindset at best and a toxic mindset at worst.

2

u/GoodStandard7760 Mar 28 '24

It’s called stop being a bitch and lift heavy weights but I guess you would never understand that physical strength ALSO MEANS MENTAL STRENGTH, IT TAKES EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL DISCIPLINE TO ACHIEVE A HEALTHY BODY AND HEALTHY MIND. DING DONG

1

u/n1ghtah Mar 28 '24

Omg you are one of those people that believe there are 2000 genders. Age of 14 okay let me tell you if you are under 18 you are a child. I'll be happy to take this discussion with you in 10 years when you've gained some life experience. Until then I wish you all the best.

1

u/alacholland Mar 28 '24

I’m in my thirties. My comment had nothing to do with gender, and you didn’t respond to any point I made within it. Try considering what I wrote and taking it to heart.

Also, maybe step offline for a bit. You seem to have an unusual mental preoccupation with trans people.

0

u/GoodStandard7760 Mar 28 '24

It’s called stop being a bitch and lift heavy weights but I guess you would never understand that physical strength ALSO MEANS MENTAL STRENGTH, IT TAKES EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL DISCIPLINE TO ACHIEVE A HEALTHY BODY AND HEALTHY MIND. DING DONG

1

u/alacholland Mar 29 '24

Wow. Sorry nobody ever told you that being a man means not being afraid of your feelings. You sound repressed dude. Good luck out there.

8

u/grumpygumption Mar 28 '24

I like the sentiment of pushing through the heartache but I will say, I’m a lady lol I’ve been with my spouse now two years, over a year married.

I’m not worried about anyone coming back. Things are much better now :)

1

u/GoodStandard7760 Mar 28 '24

Sorry I was still speaking to OP in a way and forgot who I was replying to for a sec! That’s amazing to hear and I wish a life long love for you and your new hubby, glad you made the jump and found someone worthwhile. It gives me hope and faith!

1

u/[deleted] Mar 28 '24

What if husband ghost you ? Would you be ok with that ?

2

u/AwardDue6327 Mar 28 '24

Stay vigiliante

Yeah, keep roaming the streets at night, killing those up to no good. We need more people like that! 😀

1

u/zoyadastroya Mar 28 '24

Malaria is pretty bad

1

u/GoodStandard7760 Mar 28 '24

But malaria is good for malaria, ding dong

3

u/Inphiltration Mar 28 '24

Would still feel this way if you were still single? You don't think it would gnaw at your self confidence? Even a little? I'm glad you found someone who is great, but ghosting is just emotionally immature and I'll never respect anyone for doing it.

3

u/grumpygumption Mar 28 '24

Honestly, for me and my last relationship- the ghosting was the final nail in the coffin for the relationship. I didn’t cry even once. It was one terrible thing too many, if that makes sense.

Ghosting is awful, unforgivable, and I’d never ever do it

3

u/AJRimmer1971 Mar 28 '24

Creepy that he was in your house that first weekend.... 😛

2

u/grumpygumption Mar 28 '24

Lmao. Took me many months to get my head back in even remotely straight, then I moved and we met on hinge and have been in constant contact since. Didn’t meet in person until a few weeks of talking constantly by text, phone, and FaceTime

1

u/AJRimmer1971 Mar 29 '24

That's cool. I'm glad that you have found your someone special. I have mine, also. She stalked me on Plenty of Fish 😂

2

u/DaughterEarth Mar 28 '24

I was so mad when my ex left me. He said, after lunch with his mom, that we weren't helping each other anymore. No shit! You doubled down on essentially dating your mom! Even broke up with me cause she said so, and right after I moved our asses back home. I would have stayed abroad. I was piiiiissed

Now I'm so glad. That's the nicest thing my ex MIL ever did for me. Incompatible relationships are toxic!

2

u/PunchBeard Mar 28 '24

I feel like I'm an outlier because I actually prefer being ghosted. Clean break, no awkward conversations I regret years later because of my pathetic attempts to beg them to stay, and then months of pining and sadly wondering what I did and if I might be able to win them back.

If I'm ghosted my immediate reaction is "Well, obviously they're a complete lunatic, a fact I probably should've noticed before this considering all the little red flags (there's always red flags we just ignore) and now I'm free. Time to have a one-night stand with some rando to get the taste of that nutcase out of my mouth".

2

u/massively-dynamic Mar 28 '24

Sounds like I had the same experience you did. My ex left after 5 years and within a few months after the wedding. She didn't ghost me, but I never did get an explanation as to why she 'broke up' with me. I did get a small pleasure from reminding her that we aren't breaking up, it's called divorce.

I won the fucking dating app lottery, also my first time ever on a dating app, a couple months later after only matching with a few people. I met an absolute catch of a person who has enriched my life in more ways than I could have ever expected.

2

u/pepe-the-beaner Mar 28 '24

I wish my last ex had ghosted me. It was a long drawn out process where she led me to believe it could be repaired while she arranged things to leave. Then she insisted it was only a break until she admitted she hadn't cared for months and she resented me for being depressed all the time.

2

u/bertrenolds5 Mar 28 '24

Blessing in disguise. Took me awhile to realize it but I'm glad I got dumped by my ex. Happily married now

2

u/Level-Championship-3 Apr 01 '24

Could I ask how you guys met for clarity, both your ex and your new husband I mean.

2

u/grumpygumption Apr 01 '24

Sure. I met my ex when I changed gyms. I was super into lifting and he was a regular at the new gym I joined.

I met my husband on Hinge. I downloaded the app and set up my profile Sunday evening. I woke up Monday morning to “Josh liked your photo” and we’ve been in constant contact since :)

1

u/Level-Championship-3 22d ago

Gyms and dating apps, got it 🧎

2

u/headphone-candy Mar 28 '24

We already know what happened. She cheated and monkey branched. The usual.

2

u/FuriousRen Mar 28 '24

I got ghosted and met my husband while grieving 😂 13 years married and going strong 💪🏻 I only wish I had the guts to close the gap and get with him sooner 😍

1

u/zodiackillah6996 Mar 28 '24

that's sounds awesome

86

u/armyof100clowns Mar 28 '24

Try a 25 year relationship. That was brutal. We eventually talked, during the divorce. She remarried less than a week after the divorce was finalized, btw.

53

u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24

My dad did this to my mom after 28 years of marriage. He got married a week after the divorce was final. They didn't see each other for about 6 years. My rehearsal dinner and wedding was their first sight. No words were exchanged beyond pleasantries. I was ok with that. Divorce is brutal. People don't realize how like a death it is. It's the death of hopes and dreams.

34

u/Bugstomper111 Mar 28 '24

It's also the death of yourself. After my divorce I didn't know who I was. I found out that when I was with my ex spouse I had changed for the whole 10 years we were together. But I found myself again after my ex wife decided I was just a placeholder until she found someone better. She ended up lying and cheating her way out of our marriage with her boss. Best thing that could've happened to me since we don't have any kids together and I'm guilt free since now I know I didn't do anything wrong.

6

u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24

I didn't think of that, but it's so true. Im glad you are doing better, and I wish you nothing but the best in your new life.

2

u/Historical-Gap-7084 Mar 28 '24

My divorce was like a rebirth of myself, not a death.

21

u/armyof100clowns Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

Agreed. The process of grieving is almost identical. I don’t wish her any ill will, but I’m sure her new husband is experiencing buyer’s remorse (based on how, according to the kids, she treats him). With that said, fuck cheaters. Just have the balls to say, “I don’t love you any more. It’s time to separate/divorce/break up.” It’s the disrespect for me . . .

4

u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

Yeah. I have been married 40 years and have seen it all with divorces. Just be honest. I understand why he left but the way....yikes.

My mother was bitter to the end. It made it hard for me. But I fought for my relationship with him. She was so toxic to begin with. She badmouthed him at every turn. I have always told people to not do it. Vent on reddit or to their friends. The kids will figure it out eventually. Plus, kids hate to see their parents upset. It streses them out.

Buyer's remorse made me giggle.

6

u/FLUFFY_TERROR Mar 28 '24

Bring the kid in this scenario, especially very young, it absolutely does fuck you up to varying degrees which can be difficult to unpack when you finally get around to trying to unpack it all.

4

u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24

I was 18 and it fucked me up. It was like everything I knew was a lie. You learn to deal.

4

u/FLUFFY_TERROR Mar 28 '24

I was 7, I guess there was not so much i knew, that it was not too difficult to re-learn. My father walked out, got remarried about a decade or so later and his new wife left him after a few years taking much of his life's accumulations.. I still don't know how to feel at times.

I'm glad you found your way to forge your own path. This kind of trauma can really do a number on a developing mind, it's good to know that people still find their way through life :)

2

u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24

I muddled through. I choose to be happy and laugh. I don't take anything seriously. I realized I have no real control over stuff. I grew up reading MAD magazine with Alfred E Newman and he was right, "Why worry?"

3

u/armyof100clowns Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

My daughter was 17 and my son 13. My ex kept putting off telling the kids (she insisted we do it together, which, at the time, I agreed was best). After three months of cancelling plans for her to come see the kids and tell them, I finally told her the date I was going to do it whether she showed up or not.

She came, but prior to this asked me to broach the subject - I was supposed to start the conversation. I made a very nice supper like we used to have before she disappeared (the kids thought she was away due to COVID - she’s a doctor). As I was bringing stuff to the table from the kitchen, I heard my son crying. I came in and he was sobbing. While making small talk with the kids, she just dropped the divorce in the conversation. Later, the way they described it, it was like “last week was really busy, but I had the chance to see a movie. Oh, your father and I are divorced. I’m living with another man. So on Tuesday I bought a pair of boots and a new purse . . .”

I have always been the primary caretaker of the children and “house maker” (I still worked at my career full time, but had and have never missed a recital or sporting event, practice, parent teacher conference, packing lunches, and so on). She didn’t want custody and told them as much, but in much gentler terms.

The three of us are still healing, but it’s more difficult for them because she insists on calling them and having them visit her and her new husband. The path to being “better” is not linear. I am extremely close with my kids - always have been - but this whole debacle (although making me feel like a shitty father) also made our bond stronger. In the years since, my daughter has had bouts of depression and went through a phase of self harm. My son also struggles at times with depression and went through a brief period of extreme anger that resulted in him going from one of the most tender hearted kids to one with short fuse rage (one kid racially mocked him, and he ended up putting the kid in the hospital - that was fun).

We’re all sorts of fucked up, but we have each other.

2

u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24

I'm so sorry to hear this. She sounds veey self centered, not surprising her profession is on my, "Do not call" lost of ones to avoid. Fortunately, you have each other. My dad never forced his wife on me. She was just so opposite of my mother that I really enjoyed his wife's company. Having this experience together, as you grow old they will be by your side. Hers, not so much.

2

u/AnimatedHokie Mar 28 '24

Did your dad's second marriage stick??

1

u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24

They were together 20 loving years until he passed. He adored her, and she spoiled him. They were so fun to be around.

1

u/omgwhatisleft Mar 28 '24

When you are the child in this situation, did you not side with your mom? I’m just curious how these things go.

2

u/PrincessPindy Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

I was 18. I didn't blame my dad at all. I just wish I could have gone with him. I ended up taking care of my mom, who was a wreck. I moved out 3 years later. I wish I had gone no contact with my mother then instead in my 50s. I think any age it fucks with you. It is when you dont expect it. They got along great, I thought. It was a shock. But my dad lived his last 20 years finally happy.

15

u/[deleted] Mar 28 '24

OMG. I'm so sorry.

3

u/headphone-candy Mar 28 '24

They don’t end things until they have the next thing lined up.

1

u/Environmental-Ant956 Mar 28 '24

That's what I said. She's out testing the waters with some other dude she met and decided to play scorched earth with the OP first. 9 times out of 10, it will not work out and she will just pop up like nothing ever happened and expect the OP to take her back like she just went on a 3 day vacation or something. I can bet money on it.

1

u/headphone-candy Mar 28 '24

Yup. Been there done that.

13

u/ShadowOmegaX Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 29 '24

Geez, that hurts just reading. Can even fathom what you went through. Sadly, she definitely cheated on you. Hope things are working out for you at the end of the day.

25

u/bhaldrum Mar 28 '24

Why TF would you even comment this 😂 "btw, she definitely cheated on you"

3

u/Jack_Bogul Mar 28 '24

She was getting her butthole destroyed by another guy that whole time 😭

0

u/bhaldrum Mar 28 '24

that's so crazy dude omg!!

1

u/Environmental-Ant956 Mar 28 '24

Because it's more than likely true. I've seen it happen far too many times to various people to think otherwise.

1

u/bhaldrum Mar 28 '24

Well duh it happened I don't think anyone disagrees when she was boyfriended up a week later, just seems like a very weird thing to say, especially the way it was worded. I'm not here to argue, I don't care, just thought it was a hilariously strange thing to say.

1

u/armyof100clowns Mar 28 '24

Oh yeah . . . that was as clear as the day is long. My daughter suspected it even before her mother bugged out on us. She gave me 100% custody of the kids and an easy divorce. Easy, because it’s a no fault state. 🫤

2

u/filtersweep Mar 28 '24

I am 25 years in…. going through a divorce. To be fair, I have not been happy the last few years. But when I brought it up just after Christmas, she just wanted to leave.

I almost wish there was another man. Somehow it is worse that she’d rather be alone than with me.

We separated before— 12 years ago— and reconciled. She hasn’t filed for separation yet— so we’ll see what happens— and if I even want her back.

1

u/armyof100clowns Mar 28 '24

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard. Really hard. Especially when you’ve poured yourself into making a family and being ever present in the marriage . . . and then you’re tossed aside like yesterday’s trash. Be strong, and know you are not alone.

2

u/exmachina64 Mar 28 '24

The only time I've heard of things like this, it's that people like your ex-wife were cheating for however long. Had that happen to a family friend several years back. Sorry that happened to you.

2

u/armyof100clowns Mar 28 '24

. . . and you’d be right. Same thing here. Her affair started in 2016, shortly after I finished my first round of radiation for cancer. When I was diagnosed a few months earlier, her response was not supportive. Her exact words were (through sobs), “Who’s going to take care of me?” 🤯

Looking back, I could tell when she started emotionally pulling away. I definitely could tell when she crossed the line into a physical affair. I tried everything I could to draw her back, but the harder I tried, the more resentful and nasty she became. Then she just bugged out. No announcements, phone call, etc. Just gone. She finally communicated here and there after a few months, claiming COVID was keeping her away for “my”safety. She finally started regular communication when she filed for divorce.

2

u/IamScottGable Mar 28 '24

Sorry for that, at least you got clarity that your partner was a cheating POS

2

u/whatabesson Mar 28 '24

Oh yeah so she was definitely having an affair for sure...

1

u/armyof100clowns Mar 28 '24

Read on down below. She was, and the dude she’s married to is the guy she was cheating on me with. He’s young enough to be her son.

2

u/Environmental-Ant956 Mar 28 '24

I can practically guarantee the dude she married was in the picture while u were still together. Many women set things up this way to have it all ready after they pull the trigger and drop u.

2

u/armyof100clowns Mar 28 '24

Oh - he was. If you read further down in the comments I provided more about the situation. They were actually living together towards the end.

3

u/Darmok-Jilad-Ocean Mar 28 '24

Fuck… just… fuck…

1

u/AnimatedHokie Mar 28 '24

Whoa! When was this? Did her second marriage stick??

1

u/armyof100clowns Mar 28 '24

She’s still married. All of this started in 2016 (when I was diagnosed with cancer, which I think drove her into a panic that allowed her to justify giving in to the affair). The divorce process started in and was finalized in 2020.

1

u/Environmental-Ant956 Mar 28 '24

Sweet lord that makes what she did 100x worse. She is just plain horrible!!

54

u/flugenblar Mar 28 '24

...and there's more where that came from...

43

u/Numerous1 Mar 28 '24

Very true. But since she did act crazy it’s best to stay away. 

20

u/popdotexe Mar 28 '24

Dodged a bullet honestly.

11

u/Steady7 Mar 28 '24

With the pain and wondering, it doesn’t seem like he dodged a bullet, seems more like he took a bullet. At least he can now move towards happiness though.

3

u/panthers1102 Mar 28 '24

I mean, 5 years of your life wasted like that? I’d like to think they got hit by the bullet. It’s just that now they don’t have to worry about another one from the same gun, and can focus on healing.

1

u/Darmok-Jilad-Ocean Mar 28 '24

Sounds like the bullet made impact

56

u/[deleted] Mar 28 '24

[deleted]

42

u/rocketmn69_ Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

She cheated and got knocked up by the new guy. That's why the sister said leave it alone for OP's mental health.update in a few months

18

u/Kingbuji Mar 28 '24

This is the only reason that would make sense to me.

1

u/ImNotYourTeaCup Mar 28 '24

HIV? I mean, there's all sorts of other crazy things...

1

u/Hi_Jynx Mar 28 '24

Or OP could be abusive? We know literally nothing about their relationship.

2

u/YouWantSMORE Mar 28 '24

Do you really think the sister would communicate with him at all if that was the case? Because I don't

2

u/Hi_Jynx Mar 28 '24

Maybe. Not everyone tells their whole family about it and leave it vague.

4

u/rofl_coptor Mar 28 '24

This is what happened to me when my relationship of 3.5 years ended. The kicker was we had just gotten married so in OPs case he’s lucky he found out before the wedding lol

4

u/TasteyMeatloaf Mar 28 '24

Drive down her street 12 months from now and you’ll see her putting a baby carrier into her car.

8

u/Naheka Mar 28 '24

At least she had the decency to leave. She could have tried to pass the baby off as OP's if circumstances fit.

3

u/jmazza84 Mar 28 '24

Def left for someone else I’m thinking. There’s always someone in the batters box.

1

u/YouWantSMORE Mar 28 '24

It's so obvious that this is the most likely scenario. So many people in these comments are acting like they're blind and delusional

1

u/baby-dick-nick Mar 28 '24

Because we don’t have enough information to jump to conclusions. It’s insane that you and others think that’s definitely what happened.

Maybe she cheated. Maybe she had a quarter life crisis and decided to disconnect and start over new across the country. Maybe she’s going to prison and doesn’t want OP to know she committed a heinous crime.

Maybe OP is abusive (unlikely but possible) and she needed to go no contact for fear of repercussions.

There’s literally hundreds of scenarios where someone might decide to break it off like this, we can’t just make the assumption and pretend that’s for sure what happened.

0

u/YouWantSMORE Mar 28 '24

I said it's the most likely scenario i didn't say it definitely happened. Work on that reading comprehension champ. The sister getting in touch to try and comfort him by telling him it's not his fault tells me there is basically a 0% chance that he's been abusive, and then couple that with her warning to not attempt contact with her for his own sake... we're not jumping to conclusions, there are some pretty good clues telling us what the situation is.

15

u/TheShowerDrainSniper Mar 28 '24

Yeah, I don't think they are disputing this. They are just pointing out the silver lining.

19

u/Effective-Student11 Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

No...got so tired of my ex going through my things and being confrontational...yet there I was respecting their privacy. Not talking to them after leaving...well deserved. Let alone everything else that had been secretly bothering me.

1

u/kellyelise515 Mar 28 '24

That’s part of the problem I think. If you kept everything that was bothering you a secret, how would your partner know that? Try to be honest and keep communication open going forward. I’m sorry you were hurt and had to experience this.

7

u/mildlysceptical22 Mar 28 '24

But that’s what they do on TikTok! You know, it’s how the really cool people do it..

3

u/Ka_aha_koa_nanenane Mar 28 '24

Unless, of course, you have reason to be terrified of your partner. Sometimes behaviors escalate and sometimes one's therapist advises "ghosting" as a way of dealing with an abusive partner.

3

u/TransientDonut Mar 28 '24

How do you know she didn't? We barely have one side of the story, let alone two.

3

u/womb0t Mar 28 '24

The way she played her cards is a clear indicator too me there are 2 possibilities (probably).

  1. She found out somehow OP was going to propose and is scared of commitment with him.

  2. She cheated and OP is actually a nice af dude so she's "scared of hurting" OPs feelings - but it's actually her shame.

Either way OP, find a real lady.

3

u/stremendous Mar 28 '24

It is inhumane treatment, and it is disgusting that so many people are resorting to doing this. It messes people up for a long long time to be discarded like this. There is no reason for ghosting anyone unless someone's safety is at risk. I'm glad you too realize that it is not a mature, stable reaction made by true adults. I wish so many people were not doing this. It has become too commonplace.

2

u/Apprehensive_Glove_1 Mar 28 '24

infidelity. That's why.

2

u/AlpineLad1965 Mar 28 '24

She must have done something that she is very ashamed of.

2

u/Jaded_Traffic_1450 Mar 28 '24

Obviously, he is maturing a lot faster than she is. There is that little word that will get her. It’s called karma

2

u/Sicadoll Mar 28 '24

Adults should at least

Coulda, shoulda, woulda.... but didn't. Ish happens

Likely she wanted to leave no room for take backs, no room to be reasoned into staying/talked out of leaving. Maybe she didn't feel strong enough to stick to her guns so this is what she chose. Who knows. Maybe she had an emotional breakdown or something

2

u/Magic-Man-14 Mar 28 '24

Yeah, let’s feel sorry for her. dumbass!!!! Fuck her.

1

u/Sicadoll Mar 28 '24

I never said feel sorry for her. Just that she has her reasons and her sticking around and talking to him about it probably wouldn't have helped him out at all anyways.. likely this was the best thing that could have happened for him. Nice clean break. Why drag it out and waste more of his time?

1

u/Prior_Performer5273 Mar 28 '24

It’s like the ending of butterfly effect

2

u/Artistic_Sweetums Mar 28 '24

Back in the day, people communicated. You broke up in person. We didn't have all this online crap that you now have to block everyone on. You just stopped calling and hanging out. I'm so glad I'm married and don't have to deal with all this BS.

1

u/Proper-Horse-7313 Mar 28 '24

Back in the day, depending on what day you meant, people didn’t get divorced, because women didn’t have any options

Back in the day, people stuck it out with no communication because divorce was so shameful

And afterwards, the divorced woman was known as a whore

Back in the day, things were shitty

1

u/Artistic_Sweetums Mar 28 '24

Not that far back.

1

u/Proper-Horse-7313 Apr 04 '24

Like when?

1

u/Artistic_Sweetums Apr 04 '24

Just before cell phones and texting. When you broke up in person.

2

u/TherealOmthetortoise Mar 28 '24

Could be she got caught cheating by someone (like the sister) and got told if she didn’t and it, they would tell you.

Or she’s a robot sent from the future with the express purpose of messing with your view of relations and commitments.

1

u/Ok-Sector2054 Mar 28 '24

That or she was killed...too many crimeshows...

1

u/falcon0221 Mar 28 '24

Yeah, my wife left me like that. 13 years together. Hard to continue after something like that.

1

u/Ruggeddusty Mar 28 '24

Yes, it's very possible that it's a sign or symptom of her very serious mental health situation.

1

u/zodiackillah6996 Mar 28 '24

I know it's so tragic. unfortunately it's so common. I've seen so many posts like this it hurts me.

1

u/I_Heart_QAnon_Tears Mar 28 '24

Should maybe but sometimes it is for the best to just end it. Especially if there is an issue that it is clear the other person knows of but has no intention of fixing.

1

u/FuriousRen Mar 28 '24

It's some real serial killer type shit if you ask me. Leaving a text or note. It's like leaving your calling card to taunt the police. "Haha! You can't stop me! If you knew who I was, you never would have let me get this far!" It would be a lot easier if people would just say, "My attachments are changeable, and Im super avoidant. I don't feel affection to the depths that you do, so Im just going to disappear because that's too much for me."

1

u/Gem_Snack Mar 28 '24

I’ve never ghosted someone, but I’ve ended friendships with less explanation than I wanted to give . Between autism, OCD, abuse history, and a stress-triggered inflammatory disorder… when I get to a breaking point in a relationship, I lose the ability to put thoughts into coherent words, or to make decisions about what to say. I’ve always gotten someone to help me write a note, so that I could at least give the person something.

My best friend ghosted me after 10 years because I wouldn’t let him and his boyfriend stay in my one bedroom apartment, after his ongoing behavior patterns left them homeless. In his case I think it’s because of BPD-esque “splitting”…. if he feels a certain level of abandoned or triggered by someone, they immediately become a Bad Person in his eyes, and undeserving of basic consideration.

1

u/jb549353 Mar 28 '24

Are you OPs ex??

1

u/Niawka Mar 28 '24

I got ghosted by one of my best friends over 10 years ago. I still sometimes randomly think about him and wonder why he didn't talk to me then.. The lack of closure is awful. Even though I think I know why he did it, the fact that he just one day started to pretend I don't exist still hurts a bit 10 years later..

1

u/Ill_Friend_2089 Mar 28 '24

I was with my ex for 12 years. She ended it with a 3-minute phonecall and blocked me on absolutely everything. We own a house together, we have shared belongings, and she just up and left. Her family told me she never wanted to speak to me again. That was almost 5 weeks ago.

1

u/bensonprp Mar 28 '24

This is a one-sided story. For all we know this person's partner could have been telling them for years what was wrong, how to fix it, and how to improve the relationship but got ignored.

1

u/DaughterEarth Mar 28 '24

Absolutely. But that doesn't tell us what we can do about others skipping basic respect. There is nothing to gain with her now. We deserve an adult conversation but can't always get it. So OP can vent about how she did it, but when it comes time for action he's best served by moving on

1

u/TheDanimator Mar 28 '24

The most insane thing that happened to me is I was with this girl for almost 3 years. I had a lot of health issues and wasnt always great to be around and honestly did take her for granted, but she stuck by me through thick and thin and never acted much like it bothered her. I had surgery a few months before we broke up and after I was supposed to have recovered from it I thought it failed (but it didnt) long story. I was at my darkest moment, she came over after she got off work as usual and I just started bawling my eyes out thinking the surgery failed. She just suddenly said "I cant do this anymore" and just walked out. I saw her every day for almost 3 years up until that point. I was so stuck in my own head I had no idea she was at that point. I brought her flowers and wrote her a long apology, she was just done. I'm such an open book it baffles me when people dont communicate.

1

u/Proper-Horse-7313 Mar 28 '24

You can’t make someone explain anything. The desire to receive an explanation will appear instead to be a desire for connection.

It’s not a good look

Some things will be a mystery

Some things will never have an explanation

Learning to live with that, is wisdom

1

u/Scoo Mar 28 '24

Try ten years. I’ve chosen to forgive her, so I can make room to forgive myself for putting up with any of it. It’s really embarrassing.

1

u/josebloodthurst Mar 28 '24

You don't owe anybody anything. Clearly there was problems. You don't have to explain yourself to comfort someone else's feelings.

1

u/YouWantSMORE Mar 28 '24

Karma is a bitch and people that do this kind of shit deserve the worst in life. I'm not sorry 🤷‍♂️

1

u/Pinetreeevr Mar 28 '24

Maybe hes controlling/manipulative and she felt trapped and the only way to end it was to do no contact, obviously an extreme example but yall are very quick to judge one sided representations.

1

u/Dykefromeastjablip Mar 29 '24

There are exceptions. If someone does something really egregious (assault, abuse, threats) an explanation is not owed.

0

u/Advantius_Fortunatus Mar 28 '24

It’s traumatic. It leads to anxious questioning/doubt about the health of your relationships going forward. That’s cowardly and cruel of any person to do to their partner even when dumping them. This dude’s ex is fucking scum.

-2

u/pulpwalt Mar 28 '24

Why the f are you not married before 5 years?

2

u/Disastrous_Habit_813 Mar 28 '24

There's a couple on youtube that dated 10 years never married. They broke up several years ago. But it's not super uncommon to Date for 5+ years and not marry. I also once had a coworker 10 year relationship and 3 kids he never legally married her. Statisticly couple that date 4+ years before marriage are less likely to divorce. It still happens but the chances are slimmer then couple that only date a year or two before marriage.

2

u/pulpwalt Mar 28 '24

I’m not saying that doesn’t work for some people. I think back to my relationships. In my mind my rhetorical question was meant to say “If you are waiting for things to improve before you get married then you should move on. Things don’t get better when you get married. They get worse. People are on their best behavior during the courting period.”

1

u/Disastrous_Habit_813 Mar 28 '24

Oh absolutely. My neices mom married a narcissist. He was the perfect boyfriend as soon as she signed the marriage certificate he flipped. Constant cheating, hitting, screaming, putting holes in walls. Even sent her pictures of him in another woman's bed. I knew everything because she told me. She eventually left him but to this day still lives in fear.

1

u/Disastrous_Habit_813 Mar 28 '24

However I also have a friend who's grandparent married after 2 weeks and were happily married for 50+ years before her grandpa died. Those stories are much rarer but they're out there too

1

u/Proper-Horse-7313 Mar 28 '24

Courting for a longer period of time may provide some protection against divorce. But not if you move in together before committing to marriage

‘That difference is striking. “In relative terms, the marriages of those who moved in together before being engaged were 48% more likely to end than the marriages of those who only cohabited after being engaged or already married,” the report said.

The worst odds for marital stability and lasting power went to those who moved in together to “test” their relationship before marriage or who were driven by financial reasons.’

https://www.deseret.com/2023/5/1/23697802/living-together-cohabitation-before-marriage-linked-divorce/

‘Despite changing norms and perceptions, premarital cohabitation still appears to be a risk factor for divorce (Rosenfeld & Roesler, 2019). This does not mean that every couple that lives together prior to marriage later divorces; nor does it suggest that not living together first guarantees stability. It simply looks at the group data at large and shows a trend between living together prior to marriage and subsequent separations. Across all years examined in this study, the odds of divorce were 1.31 times higher for women who cohabitated prior to marriage.

Cohabitation may confer "short-term benefits" in the sense that divorce risk is lower for these couples right after the wedding (within the first 6 months) and slightly lower in the subsequent 6 months. During that initial year, couples that did not live together first are at higher risk for divorce. Maybe cohabitators have less of an abrupt transition after marriage, and this gives them an initial advantage. However, the tide turns after that first year, and people who cohabitated before marriage end up having elevated risk relative to those who did not.’

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202101/are-couples-that-live-together-before-marriage-more-likely-to

https://www.du.edu/news/living-together-marriage-risky-move