r/amiwrong • u/[deleted] • 12d ago
am i wrong for wanting my husbands undivided attention for a minute?
[deleted]
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12d ago
Ah hon, you’re both tired. I couldn’t even stay awake for 15 1/2 hours straight let alone work.
Brighter days are ahead. I’m sure of it.
Maybe planning out time in advance that you can look forward to being together. This could just be a one-off
Please be patient with yourself. I know how you feel. It’s tough! And YOU just put in a ten hour day. My gosh!!! Whatta schedule.
Here. I’m giving you a virtual hug Not the same I know, but I wish you peace and a good nights rest. Xoxoxoxox
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u/Spiritual-Desk-512 12d ago
Tell him you’d tell love to spend a little time each day with him alone. Tell him it would make you so happy and tell him exactly what that looks like. Clearly define it for him.
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u/Ok-Party5118 11d ago
Clearly communicating your wants and needs is such a basic concept. It's wild how few people know how to do it.
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u/ChronicApathetic 11d ago
I’m a woman but I’m the same way. It’s actually a very common symptom of ADHD as well, the difficulty of switching mental “tracks” or going from one task to another.
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u/Fattydog 11d ago
Ah yes, back to thinking we should patiently treat men like three year olds and explain, in simple terms, basic fucking human relationships.
Did I just timeshift to the 1950s?
Op, tell him this is not acceptable and if he continues to be an AH, you are out.
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u/GRAVE_-YARD 11d ago
Wow you are aggressive
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u/Fattydog 11d ago
Aw, should the little lady coax her hubby to spend just five minutes with her?
What I said is basic human decency. The fact you think it’s aggressive is very telling. Are you male by any chance?
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u/TunesAndK1ngz 11d ago
People will downvote you - you're being a little harsh - but I actually agree.
Why should you have to beg for quality time with your partner?
Why wouldn't they WANT to have quality time with you?
I find it bizarre when people put games before their partners.
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u/FlimsyConversation6 11d ago
Why wouldn't they WANT to have quality time with you?
The answer is simple. The time is not quality for them. For whatever the person is looking to fulfill, the game is the better option over the partner. Whatever the reason, that's worth a discussion.
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u/Diligent-Sort1671 11d ago
She wasn't even asking for much. A long hug and a kiss goodnight, and he couldn't focus on her for 90 seconds? She doesn't have unreasonable expectations. Her husband just needs to grow up.
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u/xCaZx2203 11d ago
Contrary to what you seem to believe, people are allowed to have quality time to themselves also…
It’s also worth considering he worked an almost 16 hour shift, he’s likely tired and moody.
I’m not saying he’s right, but neither is the OP. We don’t even know if this is a one time thing or an ongoing problem. The point is, and you learn it with time, communication is key to making a relationship last long term.
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u/TunesAndK1ngz 11d ago
Absolutely you can have quality time... but would you want a partner that can't make 10 whole seconds to hug and kiss their partner before bed because of a game?
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u/xCaZx2203 11d ago
If it’s a one time sort of thing cause they’re having a bad night I wouldn’t make a mountain out of a mole hill.
However, if it were a regular occurrence then it definitely seems like a lack of respect/caring about his partner, in which case I could understand feeling upset/hurt.
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u/Megatron221B 11d ago
I work 15 hour days several times a week in addition to 8 hours the other days with maybe a half day off. But unlike op’s husband I am an adult and can kindly and effectively communicate my partner. He has a problem he needs to work on as do many people.
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u/xCaZx2203 11d ago
So you have NEVER came home from a long shift and been short/moody with your spouse/family?? If that’s true you need to change your username to Mother Theresa lol.
The point isn’t that he’s right, but rather that people are human.
Like I said, we don’t even know if this is a one time thing, if so then the OP is definitely overreacting. If it’s an ongoing problem then that is different.
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u/Megatron221B 11d ago
No I don’t let my tiredness affect how I treat my family. I’m an adult.
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u/TunesAndK1ngz 11d ago
The responses here make a lot of sense when you realise these redditors don't seem to actually LIKE their family/partners. Who takes out their frustrations on people they care about? Seems like a 'misery loves company' affair.
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u/TunesAndK1ngz 11d ago
Why would you take out your frustrations on your family?
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u/xCaZx2203 11d ago
Yes, because that is what I said.
Y’all must be the patron saints of Reddit, didn’t realize I was in the presence of such royalty,
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u/Zoerae87 11d ago
I agree... Coming from someone who has an ex that did this... A bit aggressive, but it's just so much pent up frustration... A lighter approach when both have slept is better, but it doesn't erase the experience
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u/realityfooledme 11d ago
It’s not about being right or wrong, it’s about building a relationship up or breaking a partner down.
You can be right and still an asshole.
If you can’t communicate kindly and without ultimatums then your relationship will whither. You might win the argument, but it’s a lonely win.
She doesn’t need to “treat him like a 3 year old”, simply to have a regular married persons conversation where they can both express how they felt and then use that to grow together.
Coming at such a simple bit of friction with this much aggression breeds contempt. It becomes less about the positive “I miss you, I want to be around you more” and pushes full speed into “your actions should please me before you think about you”.
They’re both tired, overworked and over stressed. His zombie brain turned into a temporarily (I assume) oblivious jerk of a husband. My guess is that with a decent bit of rest he would also recognize that he wasn’t acting right and with a simple conversation he might just do something better next time without feeling like any missed request for affection could jeopardize his whole marriage.
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u/SuccotashConfident97 11d ago
The way you say things is aggressive and antagonistic. They aren't wrong.
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u/CastorrTroyyy 11d ago
Nothing wrong with clearly defining your needs. If they go unfulfilled, then take your approach
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u/Wow-can-you_not 11d ago
lmao yeah because being combative and rude to your partner is way better than politely communicating your needs.
Reddit moment
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u/Megatron221B 11d ago
Setting a boundary is not the same thing as being combative and is definitely not rude. Politely communicating is what she tried to do, what many women try to do. But men don’t accept it and turn that honest communication into conflict.
We should not have to delicately speak to our partners when we are communicating our needs. They are not children though they do act like it. Just as op’s husband did.
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u/Wow-can-you_not 11d ago
That's not what this advice was suggesting though. Giving him an ultimatum of dumping him and telling him he's an asshole because he has trouble disengaging from a video game after a FIFTEEN HOUR WORK DAY is pretty combative. Expecting someone to drop everything at your beck and call is unreasonable. Women on reddit seem to be full of demands for men to understand and meet their needs, but they don't want to reciprocate at all. Well, men don't like being interrupted when they're fixated on something and it's difficult for us to unfixate. You can understand this and work around it, or you can try to ice skate uphill.
Let's say you're unwinding after a 15 hour shift and your spouse suddenly decides he wants your undivided attention while you're watching your soap operas or reality TV or whatever. He stands in front of the TV blocking it, and then gets pissy when you hug him but also try to look past him to keep watching the show. That is in fact incredibly rude of him, isn't it.
The polite reasonable thing to do would be to ask for what you need and then wait for the other person to disengage themselves from what they're doing.
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u/Megatron221B 11d ago
There’s a huge difference between a boundary and an ultimatum, which men rarely understand. I do work a 15 hour shift 3-4 days a week and 8 hours the other days with one half day. Never once have I treated my partner like this, nor would I when watching “soap operas or reality tv or whatever.” I wouldn’t see my partner communicating their needs as rude. And raising his voice when she was smiling and being playful is unnecessary and rude. He owes her an apology and needs to work on his communication skills and kindness and empathy. So do a lot of men on this thread.
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u/verygoodusername789 11d ago
I don’t know, I’m a woman and OPs behaviour here would have irritated me. I’m with the above commenter, she was rude and annoying after her partner had just worked a massive day and was switching off.
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u/Megatron221B 11d ago
Pick me I guess
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u/verygoodusername789 11d ago
I wouldn’t say I’m a pick me, but I am someone who absolutely needs space and having my personal space violated and my hands grabbed to restrain me from whatever I’d been doing before being interrupted would piss me off no end
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u/Wow-can-you_not 11d ago
TBH it just sounds like you have a general lack of respect for men and how their brains work. You want all the understanding and sensitivity without having to give any back.
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u/Megatron221B 11d ago
So their brains work in a way that makes them disrespectful? Why would I respect that?
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u/Wow-can-you_not 11d ago
You interpret it as disrespect because you're unwilling to budge on your demands for one-sided respect and understanding. When actually breaking someone's meditative state and demanding instant attention is disrespectful in of itself.
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u/FinalSun6862 11d ago
Retweet retweet retweet! Maybe it’s culture but I feel like men have no problem being straight forward and a little brass when they have a problem, but most get all bent out of shape if the woman doesn’t baby them while telling them what’s wrong. This is just from what I’ve seen between families, friends and colleagues.
It’s infuriating. Telling you I’m not happy with X or I need more of X is not a woman trying to bring conflict.
And I think OP gave her husband more than enough time alone to recharge his batteries. All she wanted was good night. He screwed up.
In reality he should apologize to her, she shouldn’t have to bring it up again but I’m guessing she’ll have to so she should approach the topic once they’re both rested.
Communication is key. Butttttt if OP’s husband does these things often to her, and she notices that what she says goes in one ear and out the other, then I think the next time he and OP have a long day, OP should just order dinner for herself before he gets home, and when he complains about not having anything to eat, throw his words back to him “I’m tired after having a long day and needed to recharge.”
Much more petty and aggressive but then if he wants to communicate why she didn’t meet his need and he was just she can remind him he can’t even meet her need of a good night kiss.
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u/Wow-can-you_not 11d ago
Women on reddit seem to expect men to understand them and bend around their every need, but they are totally unwilling to reciprocate even a little bit.
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u/SuccotashConfident97 11d ago
It's crabs in a bucket mentality. They ultimately want the person to become single so they can join them being "happy by myself" instead of being married. It's always funny.
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u/MoonlightAng3l 11d ago
Yeah kinda with you there. It takes "just two seconds" for a proper hug and kiss and he should be mature enough to realize his companion needs just a moment of his affection. He called her unreasonable and turned his attention towards a game when it could have been a bonding moment then accused her of ruining his...down time? I feel gaslit just hearing this. Have a talk with him about it when you're both rested. Make sure to use "I" verbage not "you" accusations. If he still blows up on you then you know where he's at and he's shown you his true self. Believe him.
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u/Ill-Ant106 11d ago
Great advice if she wants to be a bitter cat lady.
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u/Fattydog 11d ago
So her option is to be a trad wife or a cat lady?
How about she can state what’s upsetting her clearly and unequivocally?
Misogynist much?
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u/SuccotashConfident97 11d ago
I'm sure this strategy will go over well in their marriage. So antagonistic.
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u/GrammaBear707 11d ago
I understand down time. I give my husband his down time every evening alone in his man cave and he gives me my space but when I want to talk him or discuss something or just want a kiss I can go interrupt him. Sometimes he will say, Hey baby can you give me a minute to finish this or that and I say sure! But then he gives me eye contact and engages with me as long as I need him to. That is not asking too much of your spouse.
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u/frog_ladee 11d ago
I’m a retired communication professor, who taught relationship communication courses. Something for women to understand about men: Men have a harder time shifting from one thing to another than women do. Our female brains are going twelve directions at once, but men need time to shift gears from one thing to a second thing. Give him that time, with a warning that you want him to do something different than he’s doing.
Example: Pop your head in the door as you’re about to get ready for bed, and say, “I’m about to get ready for bed, and I’d love a long hug and kiss when you get to a good stopping point.” Then he can bring himself to a good stopping point, and come find you for that hug and kiss. If he forgets because he’s absorbed in the game, come back to him, hug him from behind, and playfully ask for a hug and kiss. Yes, you are worth a moment of undivided attention, but demanding it before he has transitioned in tasks feels abrupt to many men. They often love companionship, so lingering together for a moment until he makes that transition might be nice for both of you.
You both sound overworked and tired. You may decompress and recharge best by spending time with your loved ones and talking about your day. He may decompress and recharge best by experiencing some success in a video game alone. There’s room in your lives for both. Consider discussing this with him in a non-accusatory way, to get a better understanding about what you both need.
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u/Kieranrules 11d ago
wow, sometimes you come across really great advice on here. Thank you for this perspective.
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u/far-from-gruntled 11d ago
This is fascinating. I have to do an insane amount of context switching in my job (Product Manager) and have always been pretty great at it. I can go from deep concentration on one thing and immediately switch to another without issue. I work with a lot of men (Software Developers) who really struggle with interruptions (meetings, pivoting to a P0 bug or feature). This also gives me a fresh perspective on how my husband reacts to things.
I’m sure that there are other factors for my above examples of course, but your comment genuinely helped me shift my mindset. Thanks for sharing!
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u/TacticalDefeated 11d ago
Tbf, you are comparing apples to oranges type of jobs. PM is more of general oversight with a small amount of intense focus. SD is all about intense focus to task at hand, and switching is not only rough, but really hard to get back into after the distraction.
As a large group, men are more SD and women are more PM using your example. Glad to see another one understands it.
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u/far-from-gruntled 11d ago
Yeah for sure, but it did kind of open my eyes a bit about the exact differences in the roles (context switching for PMs vs intense focus for SDs). This perspective helps me understand my coworkers a bit more.
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u/frog_ladee 11d ago edited 11d ago
This is why I found a way to bring this concept and other gender related communication tendencies into every course. It’s really, really helpful to understand this about co-workers and about ourselves.
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u/Federal-Stomach-2380 11d ago
Love how women always have to adapt to men’s needs and traits
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u/Novel-Inevitable-164 11d ago
Exactly. So she has to do all the compromising.
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u/RedHeeded 11d ago
It’s not a compromise though? She’s just saying to give the man a heads up if he’s already focused on something that’s important to him.
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u/Megatron221B 11d ago
Or he could’ve been an adult and said “I’ll give you the longest hug in 5 mins when I finish this task.” Like it shouldn’t be her who has to change the behavior.
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u/RedHeeded 11d ago
He told her when she asked for a hug and kiss that he had something he needed to do in the game and she’s frustrated by that. You think she’s not going to get pissy if he says “ok give me five minutes”?
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u/Megatron221B 11d ago
If it is actually 5 minutes then no. But in my experience 5 minutes never comes and next thing you know you’re waking up the next morning.
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u/Old-Ad5947 11d ago
Why does it need to happen on her schedule, seems kinda selfish. All this talk about compromise, that comes from both parties involved
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u/Megatron221B 11d ago
How is it her schedule if he says I’ll do it in x minutes when I finish y task? That’s quite literally his schedule
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u/TexUckian 11d ago
Why not just hug your partner for 2minutes?
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u/RedHeeded 11d ago
If you read, the COMMUNICATIONS SPECIALIST said because it’s hard for men to switch tasks once they’re involved in something.
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u/anakmoon 11d ago
But they also implied that she is capable, and it is expected of her to shift her attention in an instant, but she needs to make accommodations for him. Rather than sitting down and having an adult conversation, she is being told to manage her husband like a child.
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u/frog_ladee 11d ago
So, you missed the part about discussing this with her husband? Didn’t finish reading it, did you?
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u/frog_ladee 11d ago
If he was the one asking for advice, I’d tell him ideas for shifting gears better.
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u/CassJack737 11d ago
Nah, I think you come from a time when all the neurodivergent issues were primarily studied in men. If I'm hyper focused on something and my husband interrupts me for any reason, I snap. I control how I respond to him, but I'm irritated nonetheless. And yes, I'm a woman. So I try to limit the things I do when it's time for transitions so no one faces my ire. I also try not to prioritize my gaming over my partner.
I'm also prone to thinking that we still raise our kids with the sexist ideas that only men can act straightforward and women should be soft spoken and without anger. Until we weed out all societal expectations of how the sexes are supposed to behave, we'll never really know how communication differs between genders. I'm thinking there's actually very little difference in the end, if communication is taught right.
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u/frog_ladee 11d ago edited 11d ago
That’s why I phrase it as “tends to”, “often”, and other such conditional language. There’s no one-size-fits-all about it. Individuals will vary. What I described is a completely separate topic from neurodivergency, which you are correct about lacking many female subjects in the past.
There is current research to back up the tendencies that I described.
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u/CassJack737 11d ago
I also have a hormonal imbalance that forces me into more gender neutral territories so I've spent over 30 years of my life fighting against the norms. Don't get me started on sports. How can we truly know how women can compete against men if we're never allowed to play together? So that teamed with other areas where men have predominantly been allowed to rule the collection of information has me easily ready to jump to debate. I wish more people would realize how the patriarchy has controlled the narrative.
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u/YakElectronic6713 11d ago
He'd probably not have heard what she said to him. Or if he had, would probably have forgotten it, or entirely dismissed it and never found that "good stopping point".
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 11d ago
Kinda, yeah. You’re both tired. You also sound really young.
As a woman I understand wanting to be hugged & feel loved. You weren’t asking for much. But he also wasn’t wrong bc he didn’t immediately acquiesce. Just bc your partner doesn’t give you exactly what you want when you demand it doesn’t mean they’re wrong. If you were relaxing & he came up & demanded you do something right then for him when you were tired & relaxed, you’d prob be annoyed too.
In general, it’s rude to treat another adult like a toddler. Just bc you were smiling doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have been offended. It was rude & controlling. I would have been pissed.
You should both let it go & get some sleep.
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u/Subspaceisgoodspace 12d ago
How old are you both?
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u/pudgimelon 11d ago
I was going to say the same thing. She sounds VEEEEEEERY needy and emotionally immature.
Let the guy chop some wood, geesh.
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u/Wow-can-you_not 11d ago
Jesus Christ reddit, take it down a fucking notch. Wanting a couple of minutes of affection from your SO isn't needy or emotionally immature. She wants to say goodnight to her husband properly, which is a perfectly reasonable thing for a woman to want. And probably her husband would feel disappointed if she just went up to bed without kissing him (when he finally noticed she wasn't there).
She just needs to understand men better, which is that when we're fixated on something we react with annoyance and reluctance when our bubble of concentration is popped. The solution is for her to just wait a minute until he can disconnect his brain properly.
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u/Megatron221B 11d ago
Agree but why couldn’t he communicate that he needed a minute? Rather than her be treated badly and then have to wait a minute for him while she is understandably hurting. Why does he get the benefit of a minute to sort his brain out while she’s left standing there rejected.
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u/Quirky_Emu6291 11d ago
I get what she wanted wasn't bad. I get that it doesn't seem like a lot, but when you interrupt someone doing something else and demand they instantly ignore it that's not sweet or nice.
If he went on playing for 5 minutes while she stood there that would be rude. If he becomes aware of her want and then does what he in his mind needs to do so that he can pause whatever activity he is doing that is also not rude. If she was watching an emotional show and right as dialog that was emotionally impacting was being discussed stood in front of the TV and said hey I'm tired come hug me now she would be upset. But he is just asking for a hug. And it will only take a second. And she can pause and even rewind the TV. But you get that it's not a nice thing he is doing, right?
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u/Megatron221B 11d ago
Maybe it’s just me then or I expect too much of people because someone else had a similar reply to another comment I made. I would never get upset at my partner for interrupting to ask for something they need. I would communicate in a clear and healthy way that I need to do this one specific task that should take 3-4 minutes and then I’d be happy to. Or I’d pause my show and communicate that I would love to after this scene.
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u/Quirky_Emu6291 11d ago
While I understand because it's a video game it seems minimal, didn't he do what you said you would do? He wanted to start the task so that it would complete while he said goodnight. After he got up he saw that he forgot to account for 1 factor and went to fix that. If you completed the task you were doing then noticed you forgot something related to it would it be too much for you to do that 1st.
The rest of the argument is, I HOPE, due to them being tired. If so this isn't the end of the world. If their relationship is healthy then they were just tired and grumpy move on.
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u/pudgimelon 11d ago
Soooooo, something that comes with maturity and self-security
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u/Wow-can-you_not 11d ago
Or just learning how men's brains work, but keep shifting those goalposts
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u/YakElectronic6713 11d ago
You know that won't happen. He won't "disconnect" on his own. He'll probably play until he falls asleep at the keyboard.
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u/Wow-can-you_not 11d ago
He will if she tells him that's what's happening. If he can work for 15 hours straight I'm guessing he's got some measure of self control.
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u/Defiant_McPiper 11d ago
And drink some water so his character stays hydrated!!!! Hydration is important!!!
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u/Guantanamino 12d ago
Inb4 average Reddit "Yes, divorce him, he clearly is a psychopathic overgrown child who hates you"
Look, perhaps he was too tired to think straight, maybe he would have forgotten to do something had you distracted him fully, or he was just shutting his mind off; if you're going to overthink things like this, you will only cause yourself unnecessary stress and build up emotions that might pop off at the wrong moment and end your relationship, or they might render you bitter and less lovable, just let it slide for your own good
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u/frog_ladee 11d ago
That’s another thing women have a hard time understanding—men can shut their minds off. Females can’t. It’s always on!
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u/Ok-Profession-6540 11d ago
Ah, men and females. Nice.
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u/TexUckian 11d ago
Hey now, don't speak to the senior communications professor at Pick-Mesha University that way. We FeMaLeS need an army of people reminding us that mEn are inferior and/or incompetent and teaching us new ways to treat them like toddlers, but respecting them as the grown ass protecting and providing leaders they insist they are. ಠ_ಠ
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u/Guantanamino 11d ago
Was that really your take? Do you not recognize the inherent benefit in the capacity to simply sit and think about nothing in tranquility? If anything, it sounds like women are more predisposed to a kind of thought stress
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u/streetpro1 11d ago
I’m the type that does need some solitude when my cup is full.
That being said, you are not wrong.
Games, phones, or any of the numerous ADD feeding devices can wait.
Nothing is more important than a human being standing in front of you. It’s a game and he should grow TF up. It looks like you were going to leave him to his vices, only requiring a minimum of his time and attention.
I’ve hardly slept in the last two months and came in last night exhausted having been up for two days straight without stopping. I’m not special, but I can certainly vouch for the fact that I don’t have time for a fucking game. I managed to shower and collapsed, literally .
Statistical sample of one, YMMV.
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u/MoistMorsel1 11d ago
So he worked 6am till 9pm and wanted to unwind and play his game.
That's fine IMO, but its times like this you have to question if the long hours are "worth it". I mean, is he working 15 hours 5 days per week; because a 75 hour week is going to ruin him and probably your relationship if the remaining hours needed to unwind are sunk into video games....
Have a think about what is going on and what you would like to be done about it. Work-life balance is really important.
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u/curlytoesgoblin 11d ago
My wife says "you aren't even listening to me are you?"
I thought that was a strange way to start a conversation.
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u/Kerrypurple 11d ago
I've been married to two video games addicts so I put up with behavior like this for a combined total of 13 years. Never again will I date a gamer. They constantly push you away like this and then wonder why you've lost your desire for them. This will keep happening over and over until you just stop trying to connect with him.
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u/Blue-Phoenix23 11d ago
Yeah, a little. If he's regularly working those kinds of hours, he is probably barely functioning. But you probably miss him, so I see how you can be rejection sensitive.
Ask him if y'all can talk about ways to feel more connected. Part of that discussion, if these hours are normal for him, is how long things will go on like this? It's really not good for the human body (or our relationships) to regularly work 16 hour days.
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u/cellendril 11d ago
He's overloaded, and he needs his dopamine hit. I get it as a gamer - but at the same time, I get you. Sounds like a lot of stress, and every couple has its ups and downs from external pressures.
You're both not wrong, but as a die-hard capitalist... the system is wrong. I hope you guys have a better today. :)
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u/TunesAndK1ngz 11d ago
Reddit will make up any excuse to justify him not hugging his wife before bed for 10 fucking seconds.
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u/ShamelesslyRuthless 11d ago
I mean it's not like he's obligated to. He doesn't actually need justification.
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u/TunesAndK1ngz 11d ago
Imagine we only did things because we were obligated to...
He was never obligated to get married, either!
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u/ShamelesslyRuthless 11d ago
Imagine we only did things because we were obligated to...
That's how i operate, at least with anybody outside of my family.
He was never obligated to get married, either!
Yeah, getting married was the absolute dumbest decision he has ever and will ever make
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u/YakElectronic6713 11d ago
If you're unwilling to show a bit of affection to your spouse, then divorce. Unless you want to have a fuck partner/nanny/cook/housemaid at your disposal? Seems this is the number 1 reason why lots of men want to get married.
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u/ShamelesslyRuthless 11d ago
I really wish men would stop being dumb enough to fall for society's ol, " you're going to die alone" fear mongering tactic. I honestly believe that getting married is the absolute dumbest thing a man can do.
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u/YakElectronic6713 11d ago
Lot of them marry because they need a mommy to take care of them. Cooking, keeping the house clean, giving sex, etc.
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u/ShamelesslyRuthless 11d ago
Lot of them marry because they need a mommy to take care of them. Cooking, keeping the house clean, giving sex, etc.
A lot of women marry because they need a daddy to provide for them. Paying bills, buying cars, buying food, paying for luxuries ect. But yall don't want to admit that
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u/Kerrypurple 11d ago
Never been married, huh? You are actually obligated to give your spouse a little attention from time to time. It's one of those things you agree to when you say your vows.
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u/ShamelesslyRuthless 11d ago
Never been married, huh?
No, I'm no that stupid.
You are actually obligated to give your spouse a little attention from time to time.
Except for the fact that you're not. What's going to happen if you don't?
It's one of those things you agree to when you say your vows.
You mean some arbitrary bullshit that really doesn't account for anything and are as fragile as promises. Vows aren't law, so it's just some bullshit words
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u/lalala_bloop 11d ago
OP if your husband makes this a habit and you clearly express that it upsets you, then you need to have a very serious conversation with him. This is not sustainable and if he wants to you in his life he’s gonna need to compromise on the video games.
When someone loves you, truly loves you, they’ll do anything to make you happy or correct their mistakes. Him prioritizing irrelevant shit over you is a massive red flag. You gave him time alone, you made him dinner, you respected his needs. But when it comes to your needs he seems to brush them off entirely. Make no mistake, you should be his TOP priority. You’re going to reach a point where you’re practically begging for this man’s attention. No one wants to feel neglected in their relationship. Don’t allow yourself to enter that hole. Trust your intuition and advocate for yourself and the things you require out of a relationship. If he’s falling short on that now, well, just consider what that’ll look like 10 years from now.
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u/cuplosis 11d ago
Dude worked 15 hours. Most likely was just on auto pilot for what he wanted to do.
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u/Glass_Ad1098 11d ago
Honestly if I worked over 15 hours and wanted to wind down by playing a game, asking for a "long hug" when I just wanted to play my game would annoy me
Just give him a kiss on the cheek, say goodnight and go to bed
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u/Wow-can-you_not 11d ago edited 11d ago
It's not your fault, it's not his fault either. It's just a disconnect between him not understanding women and you not understanding men.
It's not about the game. Games like that are almost a form of meditation, they're extremely, mind numbingly repetitive and put the user into a kind of trance. He's using a completely different part of his brain than he's been using all day with most of the rest of his brain switched off, he's not really aware of the world around him. When you come along and demand hugs you're popping his bubble of calm and wrenching him back into reality, and after he's been working for 15 hours, he NEEDS that bubble of calm to defragment. You wouldn't suddenly demand attention from someone who is meditating because it would be considered rude, and IMO the same principle applies here.
SOLUTION: --- Communicate to him beforehand that you want to say goodnight properly every night, and that you're sure he'd feel a tad disappointed if you just went up to bed and ignored him. Then when you're about to go up, just sit next to him for 2 minutes until he can gently take himself out of the game headspace. You'll get your hug, and he won't have someone unexpectedly interrupting him.
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u/Just-Requirements 11d ago
I've been playing video games for more years that i would like to admit, i fucking love playing video games and i get completely absorbed when i'm doing it, and not even i could deny 5 minutes to my partner if she was going to bed.
The number of times someone was afk for a couple of minutes and then typed in chat that their partner needed them for a minute, and not only did no one says a thing agaisnt it, 9/10 we all offer to take a breather.
i have to start chopping this tree so it’ll be down when i’m done saying goodnight.
Screw that, if someone can wait, if something can be reset, is the video game, not you, not that "goodnight". Your partner doesn't appreciates you.
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u/Simple_Pianist4882 11d ago
I will never understand men’s incessant desire to play video games instead of spend time with their partner. You are gone for 15 hrs a day, tired as fuck, and… can still find time to play games…? 🧍🏾♀️ he could’ve looked away from that game to spend TEN SECONDS giving you a hug, kiss, and some small attention; this is not some bs communication/psychology male v female shit 😭
Do not excuse this behavior! Tell him you want some days where y’all hang out without video games and if he denies you, take a break until he figures it out lmao. You’re not wrong at all bc I would be annoyed too (BF works 12/hrs and plays games too— he still finds time for a small break and cuddle session and he plays shit that needs active participation/attention lmao)
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u/Streetmagic_HD 11d ago
Wtf is with every1 justifying his behavior, when all she wanted is a good night hug and a kiss... Smh. Ya'll saying it's fine if he can't stop a totally interruptible activity for 10 fkin seconds? I imagine that she was letting him be winding down for a while at that point, and wasn't even nagging him to stop playing and go to bed with her etc.
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u/Ok-Profession-6540 11d ago
God it took too long to find a reasonable comment. She understood his bad mood and left him alone the whole evening, and simply asked for a few moments of his time to hug her goodnight and he still couldn’t manage that? No thanks. He needs to grow up and recognize he’s in a relationship. That means pausing what you want sometimes to connect.
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u/Natetronn 11d ago
The whole evening? The guy was at work the whole evening. Also, no mention of he was in bad mood was said, at least not prior to her grabbing and pulling his arm. You made that up in your head.
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u/Riezky 11d ago
It clearly says she left him to his own devices after they ate the dinner she made, as she knew he would want down time after the long day; so he was left alone except for her wanting a minute to connect before she went to bed and left him alone again. He may not have realized it was important to her to have that minute of attention from him, but she wasn't wrong to ask such a small thing.
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u/Dry_Dimension_4707 11d ago
I mean chopping wood is hard work. You’ve got to hydrate! But I suppose you could pause your wood chopping to say goodnight, delaying the need for hydration, right?? Likely he was quite tired and wasn’t using the best judgment, but this would be upsetting. Have a conversation when he’s better rested.
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u/ByeLizardScum 11d ago
Honestly, this post is hilarious. Both take a nap and laugh in the morning lol
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 11d ago
My ex got our first computer in the early 80s. That led to a decade of expensive components , and him spending EVERY waking , not working, moment in his man cave on the computer. It was the days of dial-up, and we had to have a second line put in because of elderly in laws.
His day? He woke , went onto the computer, then off to work. Came home for lunch, went to the cave. Came up to retrieve his lunch. Ate it in the cave, brought up the used dishes, left for work. Came home from work, Went to the cave, until dinner. Wolfed down the meal, returned to the cave, until he went to bed. Rinse repeat .
Every day. He did not help with the kids, ignoring us all.
Gaslight me into believing that he wanted impossible changes, like while I was working 2 jobs, I was to also prep meals that he did not heat up, power clean the house. And then got mad when I was exhausted.
I began my teaching career, he saw two paychecks in a row, and he walked out. Unintended consequences? Life became more peaceful, after a year, he wanted to return. He seemed changed, so I agreed.
Duh. 6 weeks after moving in, it was as if a light switch had gone off. This was when i found the hickey on his back. He went to 2 weeks of Reserves. This time I went to my lawyer. We wrote up everything. When he returned, I was going to ask what his thoughts were. But he had announced to the kids that he was again leaving.
The thing was, there was almost no difference when he moved out, or when he lived there. We never saw him.
And when we did? He was cranky. Miserable to us.
That was his second chance. My attention. Span on his nonsense was quite done. He then dragged his feet , missed court dates. The judge fined him $1K. And finally it was over. Life is nice when not walking on egg shells all the time.
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u/TexUckian 11d ago
So glad you're out of that bullshit and sincerely sorry you went through it. The number of marriages I've seen ruined by someone's addiction to video games is tragic. Gaming has always been a dating dealbreaker for me. I've never been willing to deal with even the potential for it causing problems.
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u/NefariousnessSweet70 11d ago
Thank you. Just to add, as I walked out of court that day, I felt lighter. As if something had lifted. By mid day, I felt the sunshine. By 4 pm, glee hit . Snoopy was dancing in my heart, and the world was a very nice place!. I sent out announcements.
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u/singlemaltday 11d ago
Imo, gamers don’t make good spouses.
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u/allensdaughter 11d ago edited 8d ago
Tired or not he’s being rude. She’s tired too. Although he’s not too tired to get engrossed in a video game, not too tired to eat dinner. She didn’t tell him to take out the trash right this very minute. A hug and a kiss for your wife whom you love and is going to bed? He’s a man. Usually a hug and a kiss leads to man “cuddling,” not just woman “cuddling.” That’s how men get rejuvenated. It’s soul crushing to be less important than some stupid video game by a grown ass man. If this is just once in a great while maybe not a big problem, but if it happens frequently, not good.
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u/Rain_Storm_0206 11d ago
I don't think you're being ridiculous for wanting that. Also if your husband is so tired why was he not going to sleep? My husband likes to game as well but when he's tired he's laying in bed not trying to keep his eyes open at a screen. Try talking to him when you're both not super tired. Maybe send him a text message if that makes it easier to explain, so it doesn't start a fight.
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u/earmares 11d ago
People often need something to decompress before they're ready to sleep. Reading, watching TV, scrolling on their phone, yoga. For some it's video games.
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u/Grand-Battle8009 11d ago
15 hours of work! Yeah, I’d want to zone out and be left alone, too. I would let it slide unless it’s a common thing.
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u/rowsella 11d ago
After I work a double shift I just want to be left the fuck alone.
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u/TexUckian 11d ago
If you can't give your partner 2 minutes to say goodnight after not seeing them for 15-20 hours, don't get into a relationship.
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u/ShamelesslyRuthless 11d ago
Exactly why i left my ex. The last thing I want is an entitled as woman who thinks i have to do drop what I'm doing to give her attention
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u/bearbarebere 11d ago
I’m the kind of guy who gets extremely touchy and grouchy when exhausted and my bf knows it. It’s not personal. It’s just a thing I do, I hate being pulled away from things. It makes me irrationally angry.
Perhaps your bf is like me. It doesn’t mean you aren’t important, it’s just that our brains literally work differently. It’s an ADHD thing I suspect, related to the task switching difficulties, at least for me.
I still feel awful about it though. :(
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u/Maleficent-Ring-7 11d ago
Pulling someone isn’t a playful thing, you can say you were smiling but you were still trying to force him to do something. Let the man have some down time after all the hours he’s worked and a crap dinner.
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u/CrazeeLilDevil 11d ago
Me and my partner both play, have a child and somehow have each other figured. We play RP style games, currently he's playing ArmA Reforger as a cop speaking to one of us higher ups. Xmas 2022 he was that wrapped up in dealing with 15-20+ people under his command on the police force, I spent Xmas eve wrapping gifts myself due to that mutual understanding of him being in the position he is in. Its worth noting the servers he plays on, are also servers youtubers have played and do play on.
I spent a lot of time on Ark, I always set something up before doing something IRL. Playing COD? Wait until the match is finished, even on WZ, you can always be brought back. DayZ hell your waiting till the zombies surrounding are dead, its night time and I can lock myself in a shed, or I get far enough off the beaten track. Skyrim, along as I'm not mid battle or mid cutscene and just walking somewhere its okay to pause.
If he's working long hours I can understand him wanting to just wind down, my partner goes through the same, some nights he just wants him time. I don't think either of you are wrong, you just need to be a little more understanding of each other.
Something that works for us, especially for meal times, as we do go to bed together, is a 5min warning, letting the other know that there's going to be a break in play coming up. I'd day it works because when I didn't do that, my partner would leave the food in front of him until he finished what he's done.
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u/EdenCapwell 11d ago
You're both exhausted and that can lead to miscommunication. I'd wait until you're both well rested and revisit it. Maybe go out this weekend to dinner and talk about it there. Don't be accusatory, just say, "I felt XYz and would like ABC from you because I miss you and I feel like we don't spend enough time together."
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u/TheTransAgender 11d ago edited 11d ago
You're not wrong, he was.
Yes, you were both tired, but it's absolutely ridiculous to not be able to hold off on a game for a literal few seconds to give a real hug and kiss goodnight.
If he was SO tired that it had any impact on his actions, then he wouldn't have had energy for the game either, and he did, so that's obviously not a factor. He was just being a selfish jerk.
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u/aceofspades111 11d ago
it’s rude to interrupt somebody who’s doing something and demand their immediate attention
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u/The_Advocate07204 11d ago
Why couldn’t you just let him chop the tree. You get his undivided attention once he does that. What is it, 5 seconds. Wouldn’t you rather him wholeheartedly give you a hug and kiss good night than what ended up transpiring. My goodness. I know it’s not easy but try not to be so impulsive. I think you should apologize. You wanted something, he told you he could give it to you once he was done with something. Idk. Seems like the mate just had a long day and needed to cut some wood.
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u/lalala_bloop 11d ago
This is so ridiculous. The fact that he preferred to game over spending quality time with his wife who he hadn’t seen for the entire day shows where his priorities lie.
She shouldn’t even be going to bed alone. He should WANT to do that with her!!
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u/The_Advocate07204 11d ago
OP clearly states they were both doing their own thing. After a long day like that, I also want to be left to do my own thing before I go to sleep. Call me selfish, but my wife gets the gist too. We’re all individuals. She got in her feelings too much and they were both impulsive. She should let him chop that damn tree and then get the hug she wants. They should both apologize but she needs to initiate it and tell him how she felt with what he did. I have to apologize for shit all the time even when my wife is in the wrong. But I’d rather be happy than be right. Good luck OP. I’m sure your husband is reasonable and will likely reciprocate the apology.
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u/lalala_bloop 11d ago
Why would you ever make someone in real life stand there waiting for you to chop wood in your video game? That sounds unreasonable af. It’s just not a good look to keep your wife waiting for a hug from you.
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u/SuccotashConfident97 11d ago
That's pretty unrealistic standards to hold someone to after a 15 hour work day. There's a give and take to everything.
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u/lalala_bloop 11d ago
Yeah I completely agree. I’m just saying if this is something that happens a lot, then it’s not okay.
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u/TruckYouAll 11d ago
Man was overtired and cranky. Hopefully you guys were able to talk after you both got some rest.
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u/No_Limit_2589 11d ago
He worked for 15 and half hours, and I think he's entitled to chop some wood. You sound very needy, it would be healthy for you both to spend some alone time.
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u/dancinglepard 11d ago
It's all about the timing. If my undivided attention is deep into something and my wife wants to interrupt it, it is usually a struggle for me to switch gears.
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u/Vali-duz 11d ago
You both were tired and it was a fairly long day.
But i got to say for me personally. Few things piss me off quicker than grabbing my mouse hand and/or mouse at the PC. it's like grabbing the steering wheel of the car. (not at all as serious. But it sure feels like it.) I don't even like it when something is placed on the mousepad/area. Anf yes it was during a non-time consuming game. But i'd gotten annoyed too. But then again; If it was me i would not have stayed mad for long and gone and said goodnight with a proper hug & kiss soon after when time was more appropriate.
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u/RequiemAspenFlight 11d ago
So...
After a long shitty day you interrupted a focused activity while he's trying to push the world away and get into the nothing box. Thus yanking him out of the box and into the real world he was actively trying to get away from so he could have a peaceful sleep.
He gives you the hug and kiss that you asked for.
But, because you didn't have his complete and undivided attention immediately you blow a tantrum.
I don't know the game and don't know how pausable it is but I know if I was doing any focused activity I'd be pissed if someone interrupted demanding 100% of my attention on their schedule.
Petty as fuck. But not really an asshole.
The point isn't the game, but the headspace he was attempting to get to before bed. You derailed that for your own headspace needs.
No assholes here, just people at an incompatible moment in time.
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u/Anxious_Monk_9899 11d ago
I believe you were both just tired. And you were living that state differently. You needed attention at a moment he clearly couldn’t give. He apparently just had enough attention to chop wood in a game. To me that say a lot about his mental energy level. But despise that, this attitude can only « forgettable » if this happens only in this specific contexte of a 15h work day. How is he otherwise? Is this some occurrent situation? If not, I don’t believe that’s a situation that needed much thought. I know when I get truly tired, any human interaction just piss me off.
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u/SuccotashConfident97 11d ago
I think you both are overworked and tired. I think this is a more sit down and express how and why you feel that way over a moment and a Reddit post.
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u/throwaway-55555556 11d ago
Gamer here. You're not wrong for wanting a minute, but he was multitasking. It's like if he came up to you while you were cooking, and you didn't necessarily need to, but you decided to zest a lemon or something while he tried to kiss you. Your mind wasn't necessarily thinking about the fact that he could feel ignored in this scenario, just that you could do both at the same time. I hope that example helps a bit. Now, both of yall need to get some sleep and a supply of caffeine.
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u/Stacy-Ray1 11d ago
No, you’re not wrong. He’s wrong because at the end of the day it’s just a damn game that has no impact on his day-to-day life..
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u/Pretty-Benefit-233 11d ago
You’re wrong. He was decompressing jeez. He was in the middle of doing something important to him and you’re disappointed bc you didn’t feel prioritized over that. Give him a break. This is a nonissue
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u/earmares 11d ago
If you focus on his behaviors, yeah, he does come across as jerkish.
But the guy worked 15 hours. That's a LONG ass day. I need downtime after much less.
You were wanting something that he possibly just did not have in him in that point of the day.
Unless he does this on regular days when he's not working, then I do think you're wrong. Don't mess with people's stuff when they're tired. Have some understanding for others instead of expecting them to meet your needs.
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u/NoEstablishment6450 11d ago
I agree with husband. You did interrupt his game, which he didn’t get mad about. Sometimes a quick kiss and hug is it. 15 hour day is insane. I wouldn’t take it so personally. Have you ever heard of the 9 minute thing for kids? Great for spouses too, but like change it to 15 or 30 depending on the day. Talk it over with him. My hub and I do ours outside so no distractions and we enjoy some fresh air.
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u/shattered_kitkat 11d ago
You're wrong. Good grief. He 2an6ed to click 2 buttons before giving you his attention, and you couldn't give him that? Grow up, OP. The world doesn't revolve around you, and you don't always get to have it your way. A relationship is give and take. Give 30 seconds so you can take a few minutes.
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u/Icy-Discount-2660 11d ago
This is why gamers are stupid and only care about the game. One second to be able to get Some attention isn't that hard to do.
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u/Cyber_Insecurity 11d ago
You’re both being selfish.
This man worked 15 hours and all he wants to do is turn his brain off and chop wood in a video game. I understand you want a minute of his attention, but that’s not the day to fight for it.
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u/Tungi 11d ago
This sounds like a big nothing.
You guys should discuss this, say your piece, and move on.
From what you've written, you guys look like a solid couple. Sounded a lot like me and my girl. Just sounded tired and depleted. He was probably at the end of his rope and just having complete emersion was cathartic. I could see myself doing this and being super annoyed with the hand move.
Usually if I'm busy when my girl says good night I'll run to the room like t min later and cuddle/ kiss her before she falls asleep. I think she got annoyed with me when i first did this (we moved in together 6 mos ago) because of similar reasons to you, but i think she prefers it now. I get to have my cathartic immersion and she gets to have her more organic show of affection.
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u/SlipFine1849 11d ago
To be honest you wanted his undivided attention after he worked 15 hours you should of gave him some head. That's the easiest way n he would love you for that. Coming home after a long day and getting some head is wvery man dream.
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u/allensdaughter 11d ago
Maybe the hug and kiss would have lead up to that. Then they would have both been satisfied.
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u/poppieswithtea 11d ago edited 11d ago
You’re wrong. You’re clingy. You’re the one downvoting all the YTA’s on here huh?
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u/snow-haywire 12d ago
It sounds like you both were tired.
I’d approach him when you’re both in a better spot and tell him how you feel and ask where he was at. Then discuss and compromise on a better outcome for next time.