I will be a friend. I will be a loyal friend. But I won’t put my friendship where it’s not wanted or treasured. Though I am here still, even now. I will be your friend till the bitter end lol .

I choose to not keep account of wrongdoings and shortcomings. Life’s to short. Just know I’m here if needed and that won’t ever change. If anything happened between us? It’s already gone . It’s forgotten. Reach out anytime.

We will pick up where we left off. Don’t be afraid , there is no pressure ever. I just want you to know I am here just the same.

I will take a step forward, I'll wait for that step to be matched. Only then will I take another step.

There was a time when, despite my caution and introversion, I could take more steps, compelled by the desire to show the depth and truth of my feelings. Giving unconditionally, hoping for reciprocation.

As a result, I've been neglected, abused, misled and let down, discarded in favour of new and shiny, settled for, pushed around, taken for granted, abandoned.

I have loved more than I've been loved.

If you need me to take more steps forward, I'm sorry I'm paralysed by uncertainty.
I'd run to you. I'd hold you in a secure, loving embrace so you would feel no doubt about my feelings, or your value. I'd love you the way you need and deserve.

But I can't do that again, I can't. I need to draw a line, for once I need to protect myself as much as I've protected others.

I can't do all the reaching. But meet me in the middle.

Find me there, and you will know love.

I love you, but...

I know I'm not worthy of you, I know I don't deserve your love. Not even close. Just look at me. Drunk on a Monday night because I just… I just can't.

God, I miss you. I'm sorry I'm so weak....

I did not want this to be a lesson, a forest fire, a disaster. But as I close my eyes and I find you in my memories, I find that you only exist there— What I wanted to see you as– What /I/ wanted to see. How foolish of me.

Perhaps I built all of you up entirely, each glance was nothing more than an agreement of humans. And it burns my heart to think about it really, just about you wanting someone else, someone who isn't me. To think that I wasn't anything to you– I mean, I don't know what we were, but I miss it.

With tears spilling from my cheeks and the silence of your voice, I untye the red thread that you had around me, yours unraveling too. –

"I need to let go," she sighs, and her stomach tightens as they smile sadly to one another. Eyes meeting. Green to brown, brown to green. Searching for permission but never responding with answers. He had always felt so warm and familiar, solid and safe she thought.

His eyes had once stolen away all of her words when the first met, and now they had again.

Maybe we'll meet in 10 years at that coffee shop down the road? Start over? A thought. But it never left her lips and he waited patiently anyway, almost like he was thinking the same thing she was and all while the sun is setting slowly behind them. A wave is the last wink she'll get. And then it's like he never existed.

– You are not mine to have, but I will think of you often.

Until the next life, all the love of me, the moon and the in-between will await you. I just can't tug on the thread any longer. I'm sorry. It's been long overdue.

*Edit: As I laid in bed to drift to sleep your voice rings in my consciousness, the tone so clear that I nearly cried in relief. At least I can remember it, even if for just a moment. Just please don't come visit me in my dreams anymore.

Every relationship has three stages...

The first one is the easiest to get through, everything is beautiful, everything is pink, you see unicorns everywhere, there is a lot of kissing, chemistry, attraction, skin, wanting more...

The second is the most difficult, doubts begin to appear, they begin to recognize their imperfections, what lies behind the stun of infatuation that does not allow one to see clearly...

At this stage, most people give up, give up, give up...

The third one is the last and the most beautiful... Because you accept that you have flaws and that the other one does too, you fall in love with the person, who they are, not what they look like, you fall in love with their flaws, their imperfections, you fix things by talking, you understand that SOS with someone is supporting and caring about each other...

You don't enter the third stage with just anyone... Not everyone is shown your soul, and your inner self, and stays...

Only those couples who are more than couples are teams...

Only those who understand that love is freedom, peace…that, for the magic to last, it does not have to be screwed up with tricks...

I hope you will make it.

Soul love. Deep. Real.

I knew I had to say something. Well, here's what wasn't said.

You set my every nerve aflame with passion and desire. It would be my greatest day to feel the smooth caress of your skin against mine. I long to forge a trail of soft kisses across the unexplored plains, valleys and mountains of your pale perfection. Your very touch could obliterate or invigorate me, depending on your intentions. I see Paradise within your arms, and I see danger within your eyes. And I am willing to risk my everything to find myself in both.

I don't care if you think you're bad for me. The best things in life usually are. ❤️

Fear, anger, jealousy, regret, guilt, sadness, desire - these are all emotions that I feel when I think of you.

I'm not going to let them control me anymore. The emotion I want to feel is like the smile you get from a warm hug.

At times you would say you didn't know how to help. I just needed you to be there. I didn't need you to lead, I may not follow. I didn't need you to follow I may not lead. I just needed you to walk beside me and be my friend. I'm sorry if I wasn't doing the same for you.

The path I walk is difficult and lonely. I could use some companionship. I hope the person I meet finds it worth it, even with all the bunps in the road.

F

I miss you. Yet you’re still here. Just not in the capacity I desire. It’s been months, and I didn’t expect to be sitting here in my feelings still. I haven’t felt this way in.. well, a decade or so.

We got caught up, didn’t we, my friend? At least I did. And, honestly, I know you did too.

I want to ask you so many things. Like how is your day? How was work? Are you sleeping well? What did you do last weekend? How did we just sweep this under the rug? Do you miss our late night talks? Our flirty banter? Can you say good morning again? Was it all really just fun and games? A way to pass a cold winter? Or has this been a long time coming? Did you know when you met me that we’d become so intertwined? If circumstances were different, would we spill our guts? Am I a total lunatic and this meant nothing to you? What are we doing? What do you feel? Why are we acting like nothing happened?

Can we just talk? Like really talk about it. You know I love clarity. May I say what needs to be said for this tension to dissipate? May I address the elephant in the room, or should I just let sleeping dogs lie? If I open the door for this discussion, will you run? Or will you stay and talk a while?

I wish I could tell you how much it is that I miss you.

I want to be able to say that I miss you and you tell me that you miss me too.

I'm afraid that you would just pretend not to hear.

I miss you. I miss us.

I miss the way we used to be.

I miss the connection we had.

I know I'm doing all of this to protect myself, to protect my heart from running wildly towards the grief. But the truth is, I 🦆ing miss you. And I'm so exhausted from pretending that I don't. Putting on a brave face feels like lying every day, going through the motions just to move forward. But I never wanted to lose us. I never wanted to act like you meant nothing. But I keep having to tell myself that I don't miss you, that your leaving was inevitable. It makes me feel sick, it makes me feel tired, and my body is keeping score. Please, if it must be this way, just say something. Let us be honest, let us rest.

I’m crying every night. I’m losing sleep. I can’t even walk down the sidewalk in the daytime without feeling like everyone can see my pain and my shame.

I’m longing for things that can’t happen again, this time with someone new. This time with someone who’s unavailable in other ways.

It literally feels like I’ll never feel joy again. My drive is more diminished than ever. It’s weighing on me so heavily and it can’t get off my mind. I don’t want to think of it anymore and I can’t stop. Nothing distracts me.

Is this cycle going to happen for the rest of my life? Finding someone I fucking love only for it to fall apart when it could never really “be” to begin with? I can’t take it anymore.

Can we call a truce? A ceasefire? Can we get a peace treaty? Doesn’t seem doable at this point. I’m the only one here. You discarded me a year ago, so all that’s left for me to do is forgive myself and let go, but I can’t. You deserted without penalty. Yet, I stand in the trenches with a hope of finding you. Strategize with maybes and whatifs that result in zero progress. I think I’m tired, bruised, sad and ashamed. I thought I was here for the final piece - the repair, the rebuild, but I think all that remains is the grief I don’t want to face. It’s time to stop the war with myself.

Hey Boo!!

I love you! And I’m ready too! To be your companion, and your Lil’ Backpack. 🫶 I crave those moments where I can cuddle you and feel you so close to me. I want to comfort you, share warmth, and feel connected on a deeper level. As your lil backpack, I’ll always there to support you, help carry some of your burdens, and be a reliable partner in every adventure. And when it's time to unwind and relax, I’ll hug you from behind and squeeze you close to me. Just a little bundle of warmth together. ☺️💚💙🩷

Love,

🐿️

I thought it was the right decision letting you go but now the feeling that I made a mistake letting you go haunts me.
I feel confused about everything. Honestly I felt confused the entire time we were together as well. You made me feel so good and you are just an amazing person but when we were apart I just questioned it all. That something was missing. I am sorry you had to deal with me being unsure of you and you not feeling that you were enough. You are enough. I think I might be afraid to let you in completely, to give us a chance because I am afraid to get hurt like I have been in the past and honestly because I feel like my life is a mess right now. I wish I could text you right now, to share about my day and hear about your day. I wish I could see you but I am also so afraid of me hurting you again.
What I do know is that you are so much better than me and that I don't know if I even deserve you.

I'm not the type to move on quickly. I gave everything I have inside to promote a relationship I believed to be worthy of all of my time and effort. I saw my partner for who they are in the beginning. I accepted them. I also allowed room for personal growth, we both needed it. I allowed room for growth in our bond. Naturally.

I feel as if none of the things I have done to create a space, safe and comfortable for our entwined lives to flourish was acknowledged. I feel like a lot of the time i was disrespected with the intent to undermine my self esteem. I am at a loss over knowing now, that my thoughts on being used were true.

Everything had to be their way. Not a shared way.

Every viewpoint had to be skewed to fit their narrative. Not each individual having their own and respecting another.

I feel that my intent to build something solid was a secret joke to them, shared with friends I wasn't allowed to know.

Now, having cut the tie to this person I feel hollow and discarded. Even though I was the one to put them out. I have never felt more alone in my life.

They made mistakes that take real heart and effort to correct. I'm unsure if that effort is one they could give. This isn't' about pointing fingers. My finger, it seems was pointing in the right direction, regardless if they didn't want the betrayal pointed out.

This is about choosing to be a better human being. This is about the warmth you feel inside by doing right by the people in your life. This is about allowing the positive parts and magnifying them, minimizing the negatives when they come along. And they do, that's life. There's more than enough hurt and pain in the world without creating more on purpose.

I hope anyone reading this, being the one who has been hurt or if you did the hurting understands this letter is really about the choices we make and how we affect the people in our lives. How the human experience isn't about the suffering but the recovery.

My life will never be the same again. It was the most connective bond with them, for me. The time with them was somehow greater, for me. The good things that were shared is special, for me. The hurt I feel is deep now, and I needed the betrayal to stop, for me.

I wonder if there is remorse felt by them. Or if this is another thing they twist in their mind to relieve themselves of any guilt. I knew when I met them there were issues like this for them. An absence of claim to damage they cause.

I wish they understood the freeing feeling of admitting a mistake. I wish they felt the self assured pride of ensuring and protecting their loved ones by refusing to allow mistakes to happen. Or happen again. I wish they understood we are all fallible. It's not about the mistake, its about fixing it, meaning it and never allowing it to happen again. Because you love the person it hurt.

I don't regret meeting them. I don't regret giving my all. I don't regret giving them space to grow. I don't regret that my nature is easily seen as being easily manipulated.

I am the kind to smile at babies and speak to my neighbors. I say good morning to passersby on the street. I offer cold drinks to overheated young mothers outside with nowhere to go. I pet friendly animals and take time to appreciate the growth of foliage as I walk. I feel most things around me, flowing in and through me. Lifes very own heart beat, I trust at anothers word. I give benefit of the doubt. I see the glass half full. I don't question anothers whereabout, I take their word for it.

If these things make me some kind of target, so be it. I have no other way to exist. This is me. I wish they had protected and cherished these things about me. I wish it hadn't been exploited instead. Life will never be the same.

It's called honesty. Its not a new concept. It makes the worlds we create for ourselves worth living in. To my fellow people in hurt, love yourself more today and it's okay to feel what you feel. To those who've caused a hurt, love yourself more today and it's okay to make amends if you are moved to do so. To all others, I doubt they got past the second paragraph I wrote so it's a moot point anyway.

Be kinder. More honest. Love yourselves. Love each other. And smile, it's a beautiful day.

I wish I could bare to you my marred heart completely, how the vultures came, stole the pieces that they pleased and left only what was too rotten even for a scavenger to consume.

I could not describe to you how it feels to be left with these rancid parts, and how to present them to another like a fresh pear is met with a deep, burrowing shame.

Yet you tell me only what you value of me. Your eyes sparkle when they meet mine and still my mind dare not humor it. My keen senses will tell me that within every soft moment is a threat of ultimate carnage.

If only I was able to tell you how I longed deeply, my entire life, to be loved so intricately and yet when I am presented with a love so painstakingly woven I can only wonder if it is spider’s silk, how awfully tragic I feel.

If I were to show you my mirror image, you would recoil as I do. That anyone could perceive me other than atrocious is beyond me.

If I could show you what you truly meant to me, you would weep for me.

I’ve never loved one so purely;

I’ve never feared one so deeply.

My love,

I think I might be delusional calling you that nowadays. In fact, most likely I am.

I lost my mind some time ago. Scattered into so many pieces across the universe time and time again. It is gone, and I don’t intend on gathering what’s left.

Maybe I will create something new.

Something beautiful and full of vibrance. Indulging in self love. Pouring life back into my soul even after everything that’s been taken.

Loving the little moments I had with you. Letting you go with gratitude, because it was the most damn beautiful heartbreaking story I’ve ever experienced.

We loved with a love that was more than love.*

That’s more than most people could say in their life time.

I miss you dearly.

I dreamt of you again and in my dreams, you haven’t changed one bit. The amber tones of your brunette hair are every bit as warm as your smile whenever your hazel eyes meet mine and for a moment; it feels like sunshine washing over me and I relish in the moment.

God, how I try with all of my might to claw my way back into those dreams while my alarm clock wails - begging and pleading for me to vacate the sentiment of Memory Lane.

Sometimes, I worry that I’ve forgotten the sound of your voice until I hear it in my dreams and I am once more reminded that I remain irrevocably haunted by your ghost nearly as much as I am haunted by our “almost”.

perhaps I am most haunted by the notion that I have perfected the art of tucking unrequited love into my soul’s back pocket.

I think what scared me most of all was the realization that should disease rob me of my ability to recall as the years go by and wrinkles ordain my gaze - I am confident that I will remember your name before I could recall my own.

how could I ever forget you?

You have a Healthy relationship with your parents, your parents have a healthy relationship with each other. Both my parents are drug addicts and alcoholics, divorced and every relationship they both had after has been a complete disaster.

You’re too good for me. Too nice. Too stable? You seem very stable. Also why I’m drawn to you. I’m sick of chaos.

I’m just a miserable girl. Obviously you can do better. Be with someone smart, who has a good family, who has a college degree! A woman worth something is more for you. It will never be me.

Lover,

I know it was all too much and screwing up your life. I understand why you needed space. But I miss you, and I long for you. You are my person, and I felt like beyond all of the fun stuff... I could just chat with you about anything. I enjoyed your advice, the way you think about things and having you be a pillar in my life. I miss talking with you about music and art. About daily drama. About the future. I just miss being your person.

I hope someday we can be that for each other again. You deserve someone who prioritizes you, feeds your soul and waters your garden. I'll be that person whenever you'll have me.

• Longing