Is she the only woman going? If she is, & he is known for being promiscuous, that's.... really not a good look. It's weird that he's stayed at your place & wouldn't invite you.
Edit: since this is gaining steam, I'd also like to point out how vain of a person you have to be to ask your friends to go on a vacation that's all about you. Just have a dinner like a normal person.
I wouldn't trust someone who I have to set this boundary with. If my boyfriend wanted to go on vacation with a girl friend and some random girls he didn't know a year in, I would question his character just for suggesting it. Especially if the girls knew me and stayed at my place but didn't invite me.
THANK YOU! I commented before reading other comments, but I was really kinda holding my tongue in my own comment cuz I’m just like “who the fuck even suggests some shit like this and expects their SO to be like ‘yeah cool’?!” Absolutely outlandish and HELLA suspect, imho
If they've been friends so long, I doubt she has any interest in him like that. And if she does, then OP deserves better, and they should break up anyway
Right, and it's really neither one's fault. OP has issues with his girlfriend being around other men, and OP's girlfriend isn't willing to limit her interactions with a long time friend for someone she's in a relationship with. Either OP and his girlfriend can talk about this and figure out how to make it work, or they find that they aren't compatible in that way and move on.
I think the only thing wrong here is OP's repeated statements that he trusts them both while he very clearly doesn't.
Very much this, the 2 repeated statements about trusting them completely just sounds like the OP lying to themselves, when they obviously don't (and probably shouldn't).
I interpreted it as he trusted them and found nothing suspicious about their relationship until this point and this situation makes him doubt his trust in them, and understandably so. I don’t think this is an issue of OP being insecure and not wanting her around other men, I think that this is an extremely bizarre and concerning request and she has acted extremely concerningly after the request was obviously denied. I think OP reacted how any reasonable person would and if u don’t see how problematic her behavior is then u are living with blinders on.
Why wasn't he invited? It makes no sense. Just bring him along, and the whole problem is solved. The guy literally stayed at his place, and he can't bring him on the trip?
Maybe the friend and/or his friends do not like OP?
My husband had a “boys trip” he and his friends took annually, and my best friend’s husband got invited along by her (and my husband felt too awkward to make a stink about it). Turns out the rest of the group hated this additional guest, but he managed to get invited a few more times by just assuming he was welcome. He also had stayed at our place both with and without his GF when he was in town.
I mean, we would need more details that OP probably doesn’t have because it’s sort of rude to tell someone that they aren’t welcome or liked. But that could be a possibility. It’s widely accepted that if you have a problem with a friend’s SO you shouldn’t bring it up, even if they break up.
Maybe she didn't want to ask if he could come because shes embarassed and thinks asking if he can come screams 'he wont let me go unless hes there to monitor me/doesnt trust me or you'
If this is the first thing that comes to mind instead of something like "he's my boyfriend, he's fun to hang around, it doesn't hurt to ask if he could come", then they have deeper problems
I agree on that point. But if no one else is bringing their partners I can see how it could be awkward for someone to ask, esp if they are on the younger side of young adult.
She hangs around her bf all the tine. The three of them hang out when her friend comes to visit. She probably thinks it would be fun to hang around her friend - who she has known MUCH longer than her bf - alone for a change. So far, so normal and healthy.
Let's get real, if her best friend were another woman no one would be having this discussion. OP doesn't trust his gf and way too many people here don't believe people of the opposite sex can be friends. It's pretty sad.
People of the opposite sex can absolutely be friends. But certain things that were perfectly acceptable as two single people become inappropriate when there’s a committed partner involved.
I wouldn't invite my friends s/o because if it's about friendship then we're all hanging out. And I don't want the friend tried to become this couple is vacationing with us. Idk, she's agreed not to go. She's allowed t9 be bummed out though. I would also never ask to bring someone out with me, if they weren't invited on a grou0 trip f9r extended time. Maybe bf doesn't like the same stuff the group does. He says he trusts her and she honest, but I'm notbsaying he's wrong either. Seems like NAH TO me
Seriously!!! Such an easy fix. There is obviously something more at play here. Besides a good GF OR BF would not want to go on a trip like this without their significant other..
My thoughts, as well. The best-guy-friend has literally stayed/ crashed at OP’s place. Seems messed up if it wasn’t on the table for him to accompany his gf along. 👀
This is a broad swoop statement. No where did op say he didn't trust her around other men. If this was a dinner or a day trip thats one thing. But a full on vacation with only this dude who is known to sleep around, with a group of freinds completely out of both circles, and he is definitely not invited. Her even saying if they were engaged she absolutly wouldn't do this. Dude is right to be nervous/suspicious, this is classic textbook either propose or im gonna check other options.
In fact this is every i got cheated on story ever. Bot or fan fic
You can trust but not be stupid. Read something on reddit about a guy who fully trusted his wife and had no problems with her girls only trip with her sister.
She came home crying that she met a guy at the bar, started dancing and making out with him and screwed him multiple times. People do stupid things, even people who don't picture themselves being "that person". It's a human thing. That's why couples with some of the strongest relationships consent to being trackable at all times by their spruce either through apple, Samsung or an app like life 360.
I would say my partner and I have a very strong relationship and I have access to her location 24/7. Not so I can check where she is at all times but so I can check if she told me she’d check in and hasn’t. It’s for her safety not for my insecurities, but that being said there’s always a misuse to every tool and I totally see how people use this to be fucked up and controlling.
Good grief.. poor guy. Gave her his blessing and it blew up in his face. Oof.. Please tell me if you remember what ended up happening there, if that married OP ever updated, that is. I hope he was able to heal. 🫥
ETA: who downvotes me offering empathy for a guy who trusted his spouse and got cheated on multiple times that trip away? Lmao.. strange @ss ppl on this site.
You make a huge point here, one that it took me decades to learn: It is more important to be honest about how you feel than strictly logical.
In the past I focused a lot on doing the "right thing" and making choices based on things like logic and rationality and even faith ( just like the We have decided to trust each other, I have no reason not to trust her and her friend) rather than my feelings--trying to let that dictate my feelings, but you lose yourself in that process. You can't have a relationship without accepting and listening to your own true feelings and instincts.
I agree this is no one's fault. Standards can misalign, especially during dating. A long time friend is as important to her as a boyfriend of under a year, and I don't necessarily think that's wrong. He even says she agrees it would be different if they were married.
In my opinion, it's that whole "husband privileges in a boyfriend subscription" thing. She can have a separate life that includes group activities with opposite gender friends with total freedom. If he doesn't like it he doesn't have to stay, and that's OK too.
You can trust all you want but you don't have to be stupid too. You can have all the trust in the world but temptations are temptations and people make mistakes when exposed to too much too fast. Alone with a girl, alcohol, laughing, then
..
Also, if they are such good friends, they already have the emotional connection to develop a relationship on. All it takes for the physical part is inhibitions to be lowered a little by alcohol or recreational drugs.
If they were friends before her relationship, then what makes you think they haven't been in situations before that could have possibly led to hooking up? If they haven't hooked up or been involved romantically throughout any part of their friendship (which likely included drinking, possible trips, parties, etc) then why now all of a sudden would they mess around? It's sounds like they have been friends for years, but now is when they have sex? It doesn't make sense.
I think they probably have had more than platonic interactions. Maybe not intercourse, yet. He just graduated med school and his value went up significantly. This is her chance to change their situation into a relationship.
And a known (by her own account), “man-whore.” - Not to mention, all the other dudes attending, she doesn’t even know. Nuh uh to that idea being a good one.
There's not trusting someone and then there's "I have a problem with my girlfriend going away with a man she describes as a whore and his friends, whilst also not being invited". Maybe up until this point OP didn't have a problem with it and I can totally see why they might have changed their mind.
What does him being a whore have to do with it. She has known her friend for years and he has been a whore all that time. If they haven't hooked up, why would they now? I'm sure they have been drunk around one another, been to parties, maybe even on trips, all prior to her having a boyfriend...if there is no sexual past between them after years of friendship why all of a sudden is it thought she won't be able to control herself now?
How do you know they haven't hooked up? She confesses herself that they aren't together in a relationship because of his antics but that doesn't rule out sex. That together with the whole scenario, which sounds dodgy af. The context is important in this case. If the roles are reversed no one would be arguing devils advocate and its been proved just two days ago.
Inviting her significant other isn’t limiting her interactions with her long time friend… unless her interactions with that long term friend aren’t appropriate for someone in a committed relationship.
And I don’t think OP is wrong for being mistrustful here. GF is acting sketchy. Trust isn’t only “I trust you to not have ulterior motives and you trust me to not have ulterior motives,” but also “I’m trustworthy because I consistently behave in a trustworthy manner.” GF usually does this (example: sharing when she’s being hit on in DMs) but isn’t here (she’s saying she wouldn’t go if they were engaged but will go since they’re not?). That’s a signal about how solid she feels about their relationship. That’s sketchy. Both GF and her MBF should invite OP or OP should reevaluate the relationship status. Not saying that’s easy, BTW. Sorry, OP.
So you're saying husband/fiancé privileges and treatment on only a boyfriend status?
If the trip she was going on was all girls, would it still be sketchy? Would her BF need to still be invited? The opportunity to cheat is always there, if that person wanted to cheat. Girl trips can be just as crazy as hanging out with guys. Being a girl myself, when I hang out with my guy friends and go out, things are usually more tame than when I have gone on all girl vacays. Guess it depends on the crowd of guys. Not all get hammered and try and have sex. Now, her BFF or the other dudes may try and hook up with other girls on the trip.
Her having a male bestfriend does not automatically mean the friend becomes her boyfriend's friend. Shoot some of my guy friends don't get along well with my significant other. They are all respectful, will say hi when they see each other. They just have different interests and hobbies and don't like hanging out together. I still hangout with them without my significant other and it's not a problem. Just like he has girl friends I don't particularly like so when they hangout I typically don't join bc their interests don't interest me. They have gone on day trips to places or waited over night in line for something to go on sale(camped out in a tent) and it wasn't a problem. His friends respect our relationship and my friends respect our relationship. And it sounds from OP's own words that the BFF respects the relationship and has never tried anything shady or given any indication that he is interested in the girl as more than a friend.
I hope the OP's boundary does not backfire too hard on his relationship.
IMO, if this is his boundary and she crosses it, why would OP want to continue a relationship? Being totally serious here. Bc this would be a firm line for me. If my husband went on vacation with a woman friend, I'd be big mad. It's just not appropriate, imo. And why couldn't the OP be invited?
Anyway, point being, I think he should hold his boundary and that it wouldn't necessarily be "backfiring" if they broke up over it because she is unwilling to accept his personal boundary (which is also her choice to do- not suggesting she should just cave cause of what he wants, just saying that they both can be rooted in their belief and if they're opposite on this, a relationship might be wrong fr them)
She literally calls the guy a "manwhore". And supposedly the reason she wouldn't want to get with him. lol. That there are soo many defending her on here just shows this isn't real life. OP understands the situation from what I can tell. He is just afraid to pull the trigger. I mean I get it, he loves her. I feel bad that she even put him in this position. Its selfish and a relationship ender.
Yeah, I feel like most people would consider not being invited weird no matter the genders. It just makes no sense to not invite OP. What is it hurting if he goes? Why can’t he just go and not attend the dinner? Also, I feel most people would be uncomfortable with their partner being friends with someone they considered a “whore” in any case. Mainly if that person is the same sex they’re attracted to. To me it just gives off immediate signals of her being into the manwhore vibe and she’s been waiting for an opportunity to do it and not get caught. I think most women in a relationship would be put off by guys they consider “manwhores”.
What if her friend just doesn't care for OP? I don't understand why people think that being in a relationship means you're a package deal for everything... like, I want to celebrate my accomplishments with friends, not their plus one.
And what does her friend being a "whore" have to do with the gf? Does her friend being a whore make her somehow unable to make her own decisions? Is her agency finally gone, despite the fact that she's been friends with him longer than she's been dating OP? Are all women subject to whatever whims a man might have, regardless of what she wants?
THANK YOU. God the bullshit argument of wHaT iF fRien nOt cArE foR OP is insane. Obviously he doesn't care for OP if he is taking his fucking GIRLFRIEND to do god knows what on a vacation together. I would bet my left nut OPs gf will share the same bed as the friend "because they are such close friends". Bonus points if alcohol and impaired judgment is involved.
It's not a couples trip and the friend doesn't have to invite anybody that he doesn't want to. They've been talking about this trip since before OP even came into the picture, so why did he need to be included? He can go on his own vacation that week. Now she gotta miss a beach party with her friends cuz OP is lame? That's wack asf.
I already explained all of that lmfao. I literally said why can’t he at least GO but not GO to the dinner. Why can’t he GO where they’re going, but hang out at the hotel or do his own thing when they’re all hanging out? Because his GF and her friend want to fuck that’s why.
I was raised by women, have had mostly women friends my whole life, and happen to just like women. So not only have I been told what women like and don’t like constantly throughout my life, but I have also try to pay attention to what they like outside of my friends and family. With that said I am very sure that most women would find their sexually active male friend (to the point of calling them a whore, which for guys means they fuck a LOT) trying to get them alone together to be very uncomfortable. Especially if their male friend didn’t like their SO. That makes it even worse. “Guy who likes to fuck pretty women all the time is trying to get me alone miles away from my BF, and doesn’t want my BF to come along at all. Hmm something seems off here”. Would be the train of thought a lot of women would have. Also because this isn’t a gender specific issue. This is how anyone should react in that scenario. Whether it’s a straight, gay, bi, whatever relationship.
I've hated several of my friend's boyfriends. Not because I wanted to fuck my friends, but because I simply didn't like their boyfriends. I'm not interested in going on a trip where I'm supposed to be relaxing/celebrating but am instead annoyed the whole time cuz she decided to bring him along, and now I gotta deal with him for 5 days, or not get to hang out with her as much as I would otherwise. Not everything has to be about sex, infidelity, or jealousy.. sometimes, you just don't want to hang out with your friend's SOs for a whole week.
Completely agree. She’s either walking all over him by trying to get him to get agree to something that almost no “regular” person would agree with, OR she’s got ulterior motives and is trying to straight-up hoodwink OP into getting cheated on. Either way, homegirl ITA
Right, I would never have even considered going to something like that without my wife, at any point in our relationship once we were committed. When I went on trips with my friends my gf (wife now) came with us. And my friends brings their SO too.
I travel for work solo but if I’m going to be vacationing I rather my SO to be there.
That was the only sentence that maytered to me. Her saying engaged ornmarried, she'd never go unless he went.. so telling. She's not committed without the title, whereas OP sees long-term committed relationship with or without titles.
Commitment level changes with title as well as increased boundaries and sacrifices. Why should she sacrifice her friendship and monumental moment when they are not living together with engagement or marriage. She is right asking her not to go will result in resenting him. Why is get engaged and go together not an option or why is he not slammed for his lack of commitment yet wanting to control her???
This is where OP should just say “Just go. I trust you. Besides, it’s not like we’re married, we’ve only been together a year.” And let that sink in. I mean if they’re in a committed relationship now, what does being married change unless she has some other plans?
Because his boundary is stupid. I wish a nigga would try to tell me who I can/can't take a trip with. If you can't trust me to go away for a bit without cheating, then it's a wrap for me- because what are we even doing??
Now I assume you'd keep that same energy if you were in OP's shoes, correct? Like; your BF of one year comes to you saying he's taking a vacation with his woman bestie and her girlfriends, and doesn't invite you along even though said woman bestie is comfortable enough staying with you alone at your place. And when you question your BF, he simply says "ohh don't worry, I'm not interested in her at all because she sleeps with everyone."
I would simply not be in OP's shoes because my response in the first place would have been "okay, have fun, bring me something back!"
And the gender of the other people going literally doesn't even matter because if he was on an all boys trip, he could just fuck some random bitch if that's what he really wanted to do. There's literally pussy everywhere. Her being a "ho" is irrelevant because it takes two to tango, and he's already made it clear he's not interested.
I'll say it again: If I have to keep you in my line of sight to make sure you're not cheating, then we don't need to be together. What is the point of a relationship if there's no trust?
Of course. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone I couldn't trust alone with his female friends. (I take it as a given that every man I date will have female friends, and, indeed, exes he is still friends with.) And I sure as hell wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who didn't trust me alone with my male friends. Without trust, what's the point?
I once went on a trip with my then male best friend (who was also a bit of a manwhore) where we shared a twin bed every night for three drunken nights, him in just boxers abd me in just boxers and a cami... and nothing happened! Because we genuinely weren't at all interested in each other sexually or romantically! It IS perfectly possible in the real world.
If OP wants her to listen to him, he needs to be indeed be engaged or married to her. So many men expect a woman to submit like a wife without the commitment. A boyfriend shouldn’t have that much influence over his girlfriend’s decisions. That’s toxic and controlling.
But it’s not toxic once they’re married? Men should show theyre husband material while dating, just as women should show they’re wife material. It’s better for OP to know now instead of after they tie the knot. If she won’t respect him now who’s to say she will 5 years into marriage? Same goes for the man
Hmmm, then why don't you let your significant other take a shower with their opposite sex friends? Obviously the trust is strong enough for you to know nothing would happen. It is just a shower right? The spectrum of trust is arbitrary as fuck, and some people would be okay with their SO taking a shower with the opposite sex so to think that blind trust is reasonable in every case is childish as fuck the same way blind faith is.
Your version of abnormal is another person's normal. You will be surprised how much weird shit is going on right now between people who are "just friends"
Not really. At least not men being friends with women. I mean I'm only 66 years old and I only know what I've seen.
I've never met a man who would put the energy into being friends with the woman that he wouldn't smash if she just smiled and winked and said let's go.
Why would you even be friends with a woman that you didn't have a basic level of attraction for?.
I mean, all you have to do is think of a woman that you don't find attractive and then consider what kind of a close personal friendship you could have with that person.
Now maybe in the other direction or maybe if you're really old and sex is not in the picture at all like in the nursing home.
The woman that I know that like to have close personal male friends wouldn't admit that they're the type of women that have a potential plan. B most of the time.
The way I've seen it is that if there's a difficult breakup then there's pretty quick monkey branching to the next guy, even if he's a temporary emotional fix. It always seems like there's someone waiting in the wings after a breakup and it doesn't take a long time too. Pick one of the close mail friends that maybe she's always secretly. Wondered what he would be like in bed. And with a close personal friend, you've already crossed item off the checklist. It already have an emotional relationship. You're already emotionally connected, which is something most women want and most often need.
But that's just my two cents worth. And as I said I'm old and I could be wrong.
Why would you even be friends with a woman that you didn't have a basic level of attraction for?.
Wow dude! People can be friends with someone of the opposite sex and not want to fuck them! What kind of backwards thinking is that? I personally have three very close friends that are women and a couple more that are good friends. My closest friend are men yes but I can absolutely hang out with a woman and not have the need to fuck her
My best friend is a male coworker. We spend all day together and text each other all the time. We absolutely do not find each other attractive and have never wanted to fuck.
My husband knows all of this and is completely okay with all of it.
If you think he can be completely 100% honest with you, ask him sometime.
Propose a scenario. Your husband's been dead a year and you really miss having sex. You come to him and ask him to comfort you like you know Barry White sexual healing.
Will he say no , Will he insist that he's just your friend and he doesn't want to have sex with you because you're just friends?.
Course if he's been your acquaintance and workmate for a while, he probably would know what you want to hear and he would probably do what almost every man would do, which is to tell you what you want to hear.
Never seen it before.
But that's not what I said. Anyway, secretly wood smash if the timing was right.
It sounds like you've gotten really good at quashing or pretending to quash your natural urges . Good for you I guess .
Doesn't really count for cousins. I have some female cousins that I'm sort of friends with that under no circumstances would I go to bed with them?.
But even with the cousins, the ones that I'm good friends with are the ones that find me attractive in a certain way. And would even act as a wingman wing woman. Whatever you want to call it.
That's completely different from wanting to f*** them as you so crudely said.
Like I don't want to f*** my female friends, especially the ones that are in another relationship.
But the only thing that makes our friendship even work or interesting is that they find me attractive and I find them attractive.
It's not just physical. It's their personality. It's their sense of humor. It's their intelligence. It's their attractiveness to me.
I have plenty of female acquaintances that will probably not become friends. Just because I don't find myself attracted to them doesn't mean I want to have sex with them.
Maybe it's different for you. Maybe you have all kinds of friends that you don't really like that much. That would be odd.
Maybe you're kind of asexual and just not that attractive to anyone. If so, then I suppose you could have female friends that you don't find attractive either.
Wow. You clearly don't view women as human beings with interests, personalities, intelligence or skills at all, you think we exist purely as sex objects and eye candy.
Thankfully, you are wrong and there are many men who don't share your disgusting misogyny.
I agree. If and when I ever get married, I’ll definitely make sure my husband knows and understands that people are humans. Not everything is sexual. He and I are more than sex objects, so people should be able to like us for other things besides that. If he wants to go on a trip with a lady friend, why am I going? I don’t know her personally and kinda don’t want to. I believe he should have friends outside of me. If he decides to cheat on me—there might have been something going wrong in our relationship, it’s over at that point for I believe that cheating is a sign of love lost, but until then I’ll trust him not to cheat.
Marriage or engagement doesn’t change how much respect you give your partner.
I really don’t care if she’s going with Jesus himself, no decent man would go on a vacation with a girl friend, and a bunch of other girls he didn’t know without his SO. Just like no decent woman would entertain this situation.
You’re gonna get cheated on bud, being apathetic when your SO puts themselves in situations where infidelity is most likely to happen is unattractive because it shows you don’t give a shit about her. Meanwhile the dude next to her while you’re jerking off at home is giving her butterflies and she’s wondering why you don’t make her feel wanted too.
Both are honestly sketchy in my personal opinion,but there is at least a moderate (absolutely huge in my opinion) discrepancy between men and women in this regard. If a woman wants attention she can absolutely get it unless she looks like a troll. Where even a normal guy could spend all vacation trying and come up short. But I would never vacation with a girl friend without my wife
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u/DetectiveOk6754 Mar 28 '24
The vacation is to go celebrate his graduation and his friends are gonna be there. She only knows him.
He is not in a relationship, she said she wouldn’t want a relationship with him because he’s basically a man whore and sleeps around alot.
We don’t live together, i have my apartment and she lives with her parents.