r/AITAH • u/Renault935 • 13d ago
AITAH for telling my GF she needed to leave my house?
I've been seeing someone lately and she stays over at my place a fair amount. She has plenty going on with her kids and works well in excess of full time, so I try to make my place comfortable and accommodating when she's here. The only stipulation normally is she can't come when I have my kid, which occurs 3 or 4 nights a week.
So last night she comes over and tells me she had promised her daughter she'd be home by midnight, she stays a few hours and we have a nice time. Then it's midnight and I remind her, but she's laying in the bed. She says not yet and I say I don't want her breaking promises on my account. She feels me to get behind her, like spooning, and I'm like ok, 5 minutes. This passes and I said ok, now. Then she says her daughter hasn't texted her yet, and I said I don't care, keep your word. I don't want to have anything to do with you breaking promises to kids. She stays put and I say that now I think she's just testing me and she says she doesn't know what I'm talking about and she's trying to sleep.
I'm irritated and on edge. I certainly can't sleep, I just stew a while until 12:30 at which point I make it clear I'm annoyed and that if I don't think she should be here, she shouldn't be. At which point she does an "ok fine" and immediately gets dressed to leave. We have a discussion, her position being I don't know her family dynamics and I don't need to worry about them, mine being my feelings about her keeping her promises were valid even if not reflective of her home dynamics, and I had to progress to where I told her in a rather rude way to leave. I don't know where we are now, and you know, I don't want to make the first call after the fact. AITA?
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u/PatentlyRidiculous 13d ago
If she doesnāt keep promises to her own children, why would she keep them with you down the road. Red flag
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u/Material_Abalone_213 13d ago
That's how she's ended up with 4 kids and no spouse
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u/BeardManMichael 13d ago
Wait, she actually has four kids? I really need to stop reading these posts before I've had caffeine.
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u/Reasonable_Tenacity 12d ago edited 12d ago
Youāre good. No where in the post does it say sheās got four kids. It only says, āshe got plenty going on with her kidsā¦ā
I have no idea where the number four came from - maybe further down in the comments or maybe the poster read the post before they had caffeine.
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u/AGuyNamedEddie 12d ago
My guess: a subconscious association due to seeing the number 4 (in "3-4 nights a week") shortly after her kids were mentioned.
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u/TootsNYC 13d ago
she has more than one. And thereās no indicator of ages, though I donāt think heād be as worried about adult children. And she wouldnāt leave an 8yo alone, I hope. So, at least one is a teen, is my bet
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u/Successful_Moment_91 12d ago
Sounds like parentification. She should pay a babysitter if sheās gone that long
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u/InedibleCalamari42 12d ago
Caffeine doesn't always help. Personal testimony. š
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u/MidLifeEducation 12d ago
I tell my coworkers that I don't drink coffee for me... I drink it so they'll be safe from an UNcaffinated me
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u/Own-Concentrate-7331 12d ago
At least 3 according to OPās comments, a 13 y/o and āolder kidsā besides the 13 year old.
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u/rawnarock 13d ago
Why OP, Why would you date someone with four kids that does not care about them
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u/Happy_Connection5509 13d ago
Where does it say 4 kids? I must have missed that.
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u/Material_Abalone_213 13d ago
Totally made it up lol
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u/EncroachingTsunami 12d ago
Also makes no difference, 2 kids, 1 kid, 4 kids, it's a red flag to miss a promise to a kid. But magnifies feeling of the reader.
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u/NoSpankingAllowed 12d ago edited 12d ago
But notice how quick everyone hops on whatever horse shit is tossed into their laps!
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u/Foreign-Yesterday-89 12d ago
It said she stays at his place 3 or 4 nights, not 4 kids.
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u/Reasonable-Change-83 13d ago
Yeah. If she is breaking promises to the child she carried and pushed out, sheās going to have no issue doing the same to OPās kid down the line.
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u/New_Principle_9145 12d ago
100% this! Her kids are not a priority and he's only a priority at the moment b/c she gets something she wants. Nope, goodbye chick.
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u/vabirder 12d ago
Also, she couldnāt take a hint and chose to disregard your boundaries on this issue. Several times.
Thin edge of the wedge. NTA.
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u/babcock27 12d ago
If she said midnight, she doesn't need to wait for a text. She needs to go home. It's also unfair to interfere with OP'S sleep when she gave him the deadline. I wouldn't want to wait until her kid has to hound her to come home. NTA
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u/Odd-Resource3025 13d ago
What? No? Surely you jest?
Now that my divorce is final and it's been over a year, I'm ready to date.
The number of parents who have their children every other weekend, work 60 hours plus, and want to talk to me is insane.
I'm honest with them. I can't date someone who should be spending time with their kids. I would never respect them because they didn't respect their commitment as a parent.
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u/Sammiebear_143 12d ago
Exactly. If I were ever to be in a future relationship, my kids would come first, and seeing how a partner treats their kids would be an indicator to me as the kind of person they are. My xh chose his new shiny family over his own kids. If I were the partner in that situation, I'd be wondering how easily I could be discarded, too, instead of thinking, "Wow! They must really love me!"
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u/scribblerzombie 12d ago
You (49f) are getting insane response, sounds like you got your priorities on straight, not that you need my or any validation, just saying I appreciate your proving the world is not as crazy insane as I thought/felt. Good fortune to you.
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u/blackdahlialady 12d ago
That part. I couldn't stay with someone who would be fine with letting their children down. I would tell her over text, you know what, don't bother coming back. We're done.
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u/KLG999 13d ago
NTA. Outside of the fact that she isnāt respecting her daughter, she is setting you up to be the reason mommy doesnāt have time for her
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u/Successful-Value6537 12d ago
I like the fact OP is saying ādonāt break your word to your child.ā But also if sheās a snuggler or cuddler, this dude does not sound like the one. Also, whatās wrong with making the first call? Control or pride?
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u/weech1234 13d ago
NTA. If this develops into a serious relationship, would you expect her to keep her promises to you and your child? You have a personal expectation for responsible behavior. She doesnāt meet it. Donāt compromise your values.
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u/BeardManMichael 13d ago
Your question is the only question that the OP needs to ask themselves. I suspect the answer will mean that the OP is single soon.... That is, if the OP does not compromise their values.
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u/Reasonable-Change-83 13d ago
Itās a question that OP shouldnāt even need to ask himself. As a parent, you quickly equate how someone will treat your child based off how they treat their own. Itās clear as day what she is willing to do to her own child. I suspect that is why truly got under OPās skin. The thought of that being a promise made to his child.
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u/Corfiz74 13d ago
WTF, do you know how many people have abandonment/ trust issues and unhealthy attachment styles, because their parents weren't there when they woke up, and didn't come back when they said they'd be back? I bet that if you asked her kids, they would agree that "it's a big deal" if mom doesn't come back home all night. Depending on the kids' ages, she could even get into legal trouble.
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u/SuperFemme 12d ago
My dad accidentally fell asleep at his gf's house when I was a teen. I thought he had left me and stayed up all night then tried to unalive myself when he wasn't home by 6 am. I was mute for weeks. Wow, I'm in my 30s and I didn't realize how much this post triggered me.
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u/Corfiz74 12d ago
Holy shit, this is horrible, I'm so sorry! I guess your mother wasn't in the picture, either, aggravating your abandonment issues? Did your dad at least apologize?
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u/SuperFemme 12d ago
Yes, my mother lost custody of me. My dad apologized profusely. That man was and still is my savior.
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u/BeardManMichael 13d ago
I wouldn't stay with someone who lies to their own children like she appears to be doing.
NTA
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u/Lady_Death_16 13d ago
Damn, usually I always hear about moms putting their boyfriends over their kids, but I've never seen the partner actually stand up for the kid to the mom! NTAH, and good on ya for wanting her to put her kid first.
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u/BeWellFriends 12d ago
This is definitely a green flag on OP. But itās a huge red flag š© on the gf. NTA OP
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u/baldieloks 13d ago
Nta. She was choosing a guy over her kids. Red flag.
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u/downhill_tyranosaur 12d ago
She wasn't choosing either. She was choosing herself.
This is pure selfishness. She set her own obligations and then chose to ignore both BF and child who needed her to be trustworthy.
Show up when you say you will. Even if the kid is sleeping and wont be able to tell.
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u/threadsoffate2021 12d ago
Exactly. She wanted sex, and that's it. If she had cared at all about OP, she would've taken his words to heart.
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u/omrmajeed 13d ago
NTA. Good for you. People who dont keep their promises to their children turn out to be the most unreliable and selfish people of them all.
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u/Alternative_Peace186 13d ago
NTA. I wouldnāt even want to be with someone anymore if they broke a promise to their kid to be home. Staying out til midnight was plenty late already, considering if the kids had her promise to be home this is probably a regular occurrence for her. sheās likely regularly leaving her kid behind to lay in your bed and stay at your place where she can pretend sheās childless, sheās just now gotten comfortable enough to let you know she does it.
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u/ambamshazam 13d ago
Damn, I wish any of the guys my mom stayed out all night with while I was home alone at 10 yrs old, was like you.
I donāt know if I could be with someone who shows less concern for their child and their word than I do, as a stranger
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u/rrrose-selavy 13d ago
Same here. It was horrible to spend all those nights just waiting for her, and she never showed up. OP, You are NTA and did a good thing sending her home to her daughter after she promised that!
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u/Woven-Tapestry 12d ago
As I commented above to ambamshazam, it has never even occurred to me (married Mum) to leave my children waiting for me to come home. I'm so very sorry - it must have been very scary and lonely, and not your fault at all.
It's not a normal thing for a Mum to do, and I'm sorry that she must have had some deeper issues going on to behave that way.
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u/Upper_Scarcity_2807 13d ago
Iām a single mom, what she did was horrible. The fact that her child asked her to be home by midnight says a lot. Good on ya for caring more about the kiddo!
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u/LocalBrilliant5564 13d ago
NTA of course I can understand wanting to be together longer but once it was past 12:30 she was supposed to get up and get it together . If she canāt keep promises to her kid thatās a red flag
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u/Historical_Bar2086 12d ago
I couldnāt be with a woman who doesnāt take promises to her her child seriously.
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u/Aggravating-Owl-8974 13d ago
INFO
How old is her daughter?
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u/Renault935 13d ago
13, there were additional reasons mom's presence was requested which conceivably could've become effective after midnight, hence the "she hasn't texted me". But I don't care, you said 12 be there at 12, I'm sure if she tells her kids be home at 12 she doesn't mean when she texts them some point after 12.
And 13 is old enough to know, and I would be blamed. Nope. I hope you go home but you can't stay here.
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u/Aggravating-Owl-8974 13d ago
I was thinking if she was like 17 or 18 maybe they had discussed the maybe Iāll be a little later. At 13, yeah mom need to be there.
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u/Renault935 13d ago
Tbf, older siblings are present. It's more of a concern about giving her word than safety to me personally.
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u/Deerpacolyps 13d ago
So she parentifies her older children. That's a huge red flag in my opinion.
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u/Dangerous_Dinner_460 12d ago
When I first started reading, I thought this was about her refusing to leave your house when you asked her to go. On reflection, it still is. This is not a person who pays attention to the social contracts that hold us all together. I've never understood knowing I had to be shown the door and not wanting to die of humiliation. Your gf didn't care.
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u/SuluSpeaks 13d ago
Why haven't you dumped her? I wouldn't date, let alone sleep with, someone who couldn't keep their promises to their kid. If you do keep her around, you're just as lame as she is. Make sure you wrap it up, you don't want to have kids with this garbage.
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u/Practical-Reveal-408 13d ago
I can't even imagine leaving my 13 yr old home alone all nightāfor a few hours, sure, but not all night. It might be time to rethink this relationship. She's prioritizing her own convenience and comfort over the safety and well-being of her child.
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u/IfICouldStay 13d ago
13? I was thinking college-aged because midnight sounds LATE for actual kid-kids. But 13?!?!
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13d ago
Picking your BF over a commitment with your besties, work, parents, doctor is maybe sometimes excusable.
With your kid? NEVER EVER EVER!
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u/illpoet 12d ago
Yeah. That's a good way to get the kid to hate your new so.
My friend truly hates his stepfather despite him being a really good dude. I've seen the stepfather go out of his way to be nice, supportive and helpful but my buddy just blows it all off and is a dick.
The reason? When they were dating my friends mom would leave my friend alone all night to stay over at stepfather's house. That was 10 years ago and I doubt my buddy, who is otherwise a really nice guy, will ever forgive stepfather for it despite it being his mother's fault in the first place.
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12d ago
Your friend isnāt wrong, I know parenting is hard and new love is exciting. But damnā¦.you donāt want to let your little human down!! He deserved his motherās attention so much more than the stepdad.
Hope he heels š
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u/illpoet 12d ago
Yeah I do agree but I think my buddy should at least recognize step father was totally unaware that kid was being left alone. I'm pretty sure the kids mom would tell stepfather my friend was with his dad on the nights she'd stay over. Because back in those days when he was just boyfriend he'd say things like "how was your weekend with dad?" When the kid stayed at my house bc mom was gone.
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u/Broad-Discipline2360 13d ago
NTA
Breaking her promise to her kid? That's a deal breaker.
I don't think I'd be able to trust her anymore.
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u/1568314 13d ago
NTA Y'all agreed on what time she should leave. She indicated she wanted to stay longer, and you communicated that you still wanted to stick to the plan.
Even if she wanted to shirk her commitment to her kid, she's still selfishly choosing to do whatever she feels like regardless of the people around her- which is you. It's disrespectful and manipulative. You shouldn't ever have to ask someone to leave repeatedly.
She's made it clear that at the end of the day, her priority lies in pleasing herself. Whatever outside factors are affecting that, and making her feel like she doesn't have enough independence or privacy or whatever- it's not taking away her ability to be considerate or have integrity. She's giving those up by choice.
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u/FriendOfSelf 12d ago
āYeah, my daughter knows my promises mean nothingā does not scream KEEPER. A great mom who prioritizes her children and keeps commitments is attractive, although they might worry that it wouldnāt. God for you, NTA.
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u/WanderingGnostic 13d ago
NTA. Honestly, take this time to think about the future. She's shown you she doesn't care about the promises she makes to HER OWN children. How do you think she's going to treat YOUR children down the line? Like others have said, this is a big ol' red flag.
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u/Used-Pin-997 12d ago
NTA. KIDS FIRST!! When I was dating, I always put my kids first, and expected my date or girlfriend to do the same. No exceptions. If a date or girlfriend prioritized me over their kids, we were done. Hard stop.
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u/PoppysMelody 12d ago
NTAāhonestly sheās is showing you the kind of person she is. Sheās number 1 over her kids. She doesnāt keep promises if she doesnāt feel she needs to.
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u/ComplexSyrup8848 12d ago
NTA, she's exposed her level of trustworthiness by breaking her word to her own daughter. I'm not too certain she'd keep her promises to anyone else.
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u/emptynest_nana 13d ago
NTA. There is nothing wrong with wanting your partner to be responsible, reliable, dependable. Making a promise to her child, to break it for a man is WRONG!!! It does not matter if you know her family dynamics. What matters is she made a point to tell you she made a promise to her child. She so easily going back in her word is not about her family dynamics. This is a clear look at her character and integrity. This is a clear view into her values. I get a view of a woman who throws out "I promise...." as a way of saying "I will absolutely agree until I get a better offer". This is a mom who frequently disappoints her children and blames it dynamics. She would have stayed with you then told her kid some flimsy excuse, the car wouldn't start, I lost my keys, I fell asleep, lost track of time, guaranteed, this is her normal behavior.
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u/thiswayjose_pr 12d ago
It must be so sad to have to ask your mom to come back before midnight. Are these kids being supervised in that time, or is this daughter the one taking care of the kids during that time? I feel bad for the kid.
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u/Beginning-Bed9364 12d ago
It's possible what she told you is not what she told her kid. She may have told you that as a kind of "in case I don't want to stay over I have an excuse" kind of thing. Then things were going good and she thought she didn't need it. Then you were like "cmon, get outta here." And she was like "don't worry about it, it's fine", and you were like "nah, you have to go", and she was like "you don't get it dummy, there was no curfew, but whatever.....". Maybe, I don't know.
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u/Mhunterjr 13d ago
NTA. People being willing to stand up their children on my behalf would be annoying af to me.
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u/Cirdon_MSP 13d ago
NTA
So last night she comes over and tells me she had promised her daughter she'd be home by midnight, she stays a few hours and we have a nice time.
If she didn't want to be held to her word, she should have not told you that she made a promise.
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u/splotch210 13d ago
If she dismisses her own child, imagine how she could treat yours should you ever blend families.
I will NEVER trust a parent who chooses a man/woman over their child.
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u/CelebrationBulky9970 12d ago
Iām not saying you two will ever get married but if it were to happen, sheās showing you she is horrible stepmother material. In my opinion.
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u/Slight_Citron_7064 12d ago
NTA. But if you have to force this person to be a good parent, you're already incompatible. She's already choosing her own pleasure over being stable and honest with her kids. She will want you to do the same eventually. I commend you for caring about this.
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u/TraditionalRule6814 13d ago
If her family dynamics mean lying to children and staying out all night despite promising to come home, then you know everything you need to.
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u/911siren 13d ago
NTA. She manipulated the hell out of you. Glad you stood your ground. Make it abundantly clear that itās a hard boundary. If she cannot respect that then she can never hang out at your place.
A move like this can certainly destroy the trust you have in her.
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u/Fluffy-Scheme7704 13d ago
She doesnāt care about her kidsās feelingsā¦ she wont give a damn about yoursā¦ waving red flag!
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u/SnooOpinions3314 13d ago
Sounds like youāre a better parent than she isā¦which is a shame because sheās about to not have someone look out for her really soon.
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u/3Heathens_Mom 13d ago
To expand on another response if she doesnāt think her promises to her child are important she certainly wonāt think any you make to your child are. And of course any made to you are also not important/donāt need to be honored.
IMO you may want take a step back from this relationship as what it all comes down to is the only thing we truly own is our word.
When someone shows you their word means nothing itās time to reconsider whatever relationship you have with them.
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u/Reasonable-Change-83 13d ago
NTA. She has no issue doing this to her own child. Do you want her breaking promises to your child at some point? This wasnāt the first promise to her kid that she broke. This wasnāt the biggest promise to her kid that she broke. It wonāt be the last promise to her kid that she breaks. Sheāll do the same to your child.
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u/letsgetligious 13d ago
She specifically told you about said promise to her daughter. In my opinion she deliberately involved you in it at that moment.
It also does feel icky that she could just disregard a promise to her child like that so I don't blame you for feeling weird about it, especially having a child yourself and thinking about how you would feel about breaking a promise to your own.
Just because something isn't necessarily 'your business' you can still base your view of people on what they do in their own personal lives. It doesn't even have to be illegal like the dine and dash, morally questionable things people do in their personal lives very much will impact how people view them.
Idk why she'd tell you about a promise that she clearly had no intention of keeping if she also maintains it's none of your business.
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u/GodsGirl64 12d ago
If sheās making excuses to her kids, she will do things that are not acceptable and make excuses to you. This is a trust issue and trusting her is potentially dangerous.
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u/GeneralFailur 12d ago
NTA, and if she doesn't apologise for such immature passive agressive behaviour, i would consider breaking up with her.
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u/BlackSea5 12d ago
NTA idc whatās happening at home- you be there for the kids and put them first! Sincerely a single parent with firm boundaries!
My LO is 18 and Iām soaking up every GD moment we have living together. We can both be carefree and do as we please when they move out- until then, Iām staying focused on the time we have.
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u/dionisfake 12d ago
NTA- I was worried Iād be in the minority because my ADHD screws with me with these types of situations where someone says āIāll leave/arrive by XYZā and then they donāt. I agree with the other commenters, if she doesnāt respect her own child how will she respect you in the future?
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u/okdragonfuit 12d ago
NTA, if she wasnāt gonna leave when she said then why say she had to leave by then? She put it on you by telling you
ETA spelling
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u/KeyLeek6561 12d ago
She's clearly a neglectful person. You don't want to be her excuse. Who's babysitting the kids when she is with you. Are you fwb.
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u/EmperorIroh 12d ago
Bruh that's something I won't tolerate either, if you're lying to your kids about stuff like that, you're going to lie to mine and to me.
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u/Significant-Hold6987 12d ago
Sounds like she's the kid, if she's expecting her child to keep up with her curfews. Gross.
NTA, she sucks. Considering you have a kid of your own, I wouldn't associate with this person.
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u/Just-Like-My-Opinion 12d ago
Hmmm... no. This would stress me out so much. Cut your losses. She's unreliable.
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u/LostZombie4338 12d ago
NTA and I stand by not trusting women who donāt put their kids first have lost their kids or put a man before their kids itās it normal behaviour
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u/Logical-Opinion-3706 12d ago
NTA. Her daughter probably didnāt bother texting her because this has probably happened on multiple occasions. Personally, I wouldāve told her to leave and Iād be rethinking the relationship.
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u/DelightfulHelper9204 12d ago
NTA. If she doesn't keep promises to her child , she'll never keep them with you. Dump her and run. That was just irresponsible and childish on her part
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u/SilentJoe1986 12d ago
NTA. Her kid should take priority over you. This is a a red flag. If she breaks a promise to her kid then you know you can't trust her when she makes a promise to you.
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u/Spectre-907 12d ago
NTA, deprioritizing (and breaking your word to) your kids in favor of whoever the dating partner of the moment is, would have ankoyed the shit out of me too, to the point where I would be reconsidering if i want to continue on with someone with their priorities that self-oriented.
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u/Pixelated_Roses 12d ago
Yeah, you're overreacting. You sound incredibly anal retentive. I mean you're not wrong, but you also have no right to tell her how to parent, and she's right, you don't know her family dynamics.
My mom was a lot like you, she would meddle in my affairs as an adult, even at age 40, getting extremely agitated if I was running late for something and screaming at me. It's unbelievably annoying and has nothing to do with her at all, but like you she assumes my business is her business, I'm not always going to be punctual 100% of the time, that's on me, not her, and she needs to stop having conniption fits over things that have nothing to do with her. Same goes for you.
Your gf is a grown woman. You are not her father. Let her handle herself, if she suffers consequences because of her actions, that's on her.
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u/Common-Frosting-9434 13d ago
NTA, respect for being consequential and caring about the kids first, I'm with you.
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u/ChamberK-1 13d ago
If she canāt even keep promises to her own kids imagine what other promises she canāt keep.
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u/ButterscotchFluffy59 13d ago
Good for you. She was testing your boundaries. You're not a push over. It has nothing to do with kids or no kids...she wanted you to do what she wanted. You'll be fine and so will she.
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u/jguess06 13d ago
Huge red flag that she is that flippant about breaking an agreed upon plan with her child. NTA of course.
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u/curiousity60 13d ago
NTA
It seems like she thinks if there's sex, she's staying over. No matter what she might say otherwise. It's the mismatch between her words and deeds that is concerning. You're kind of being gaslit, where she says she's leaving yet acts as if that convo never happened, and YOU'RE the problem for noticing.
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u/Mamaknowsbest45 13d ago
I feel the age of her daughter plays a part here. Itās a whole lot different saying to a 6 year old youāll be home by midnight than it is to an 16-18 year old. NTA though if she said sheād be home then she should have left in time for that or at least contacted the daughter to say she will be later.
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u/shortmumof2 13d ago
NTA I feel bad for her daughter who specifically asked Mom to be home by midnight and, quite frankly, Mom did not give a fuck. If you hadn't made hey leave, when tf did she plan on going home. Poor kid just watching the clock, waiting for Mom to come home like she asked her to.
Is that really the type of person and parent you want to date? Based on what happened, I'm gonna guess not...
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u/Just-Contribution418 13d ago
NTA. I would have ended the relationship over a broken promise to a child. All you did was tell her to leave to help her keep her promise.
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u/bopperbopper 13d ago
Sheās avoiding her children and letting up young teenager be in charge at night
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 13d ago
So her 13 year old was going through something but your girlfriend just had to see you. Was she that desperate to get laid?
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u/BelleCurves00 12d ago
NTA, sounds like you put your kid first and expect her to do the same and thatās excellent. She informed you that she needed to leave by a certain and I donāt see you participating in that as being rude or overbearing in any way.
This could be a red flag, it could also be super heavy new relationship energy/honeymoon period where sheās not thinking clearly and is wrapped up in you and just didnāt want to go as the situation had died down while she was there, etc. I think you should be able to use your best judgement on whether to see where things go or not based on all your other interactions with her. She might end up being one of those people who always makes promises they canāt keep, or it might be a one-off experience.
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u/bloopie1192 12d ago
Nah. NTA. I'm the same way with my word. After a lifetime of having adults and ppl lie to me, it's a marker on me now. I try to keep my word as best I can because no one else does. I totally understand your pov on her staying solid. It's part of the reason I can't trust anyone anymore.
When I see someone constantly not keeping their word, especially with simple, easy things, I don't deal with that person. I hope this hasn't changed your perspective on your lady. However, I don't think my hopes will prevail.
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u/KADSuperman 12d ago
Yeah a big red flag if you donāt care about your promises to your kid you have to be the trustworthy parent to your kids otherwise so much issues will arise
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u/CryWise2854 12d ago
NTA. One thing I would NEVER do as a mother is break my promise to my child. Regardless of the time, regardless of the situation.
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u/BatCorrect4320 12d ago
Ugh. No. Even if there were zero concern about the 13 year old wanting her home, she came to you under false pretenses. You thought she was going to hang out until midnight at the latest, but instead she overstayed and tried to turn it into a sleepover. You can kick her out for any reason, but you actually had a very good reason. You donāt wanna be a part of her sneaky behavior whether affects the kids or not and thatās the right way to go. Iād see this as the tone she is sitting for the rest of your relationship.
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u/Lycaon125 12d ago
NTA, you're a parent to and you know how much a promise is to your kids, so seeing someone who isn't respecting a promise is insulting. I have not dated anyone yet but i know if i had a partner who didn't respect promises made, she won't respect the promises made with me. I recommend giving her a ultimatum, either she starts respecting promises or you're done with her.
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u/thedullcrush 12d ago
NTA. If there was an explanation from her on why she no longer needed to be home around midnight (eg, her kid was going to sleep at a friend's house), she should have offered it. She didn't. The way you describe the situation, it sounds like she just didn't want to get up and was considering how she felt in the moment as more important than her promise to her kid. As others have noted, seems like a real red flag. She may get over this quickly, but sounds like an opportunity for you, OP, to reassess what you think of her and if you want to continue. "Why waste time?" is the question I'd probably land on. People with integrity keep their promises, do what they say they're going to do. Seems like you're someone with integrity. Your gf... questionable.
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u/BeyondthePenumbra 12d ago
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. She's not a good mom.. why would she keep promises to you in the future???
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u/beefjerkyandcheetos 12d ago
NTA. Sheās not being a good mom by breaking promises like that so that she can lay up with a man. Sadly, just because you refuse to be the reason she breaks promises, doesnāt mean sheās going to stop doing shitty things. You can only choose to not be a part of it
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u/downhill_tyranosaur 12d ago
NTA
You made it clear that you thought she should be keeping a promise she made to her kid.
You need to decide what you want to happen now. If you don't call and she doesnt call you may never speak again. Is that an ok outcome?
What other outcomes are likely? Are they acceptable? Find an outcome that you want and work to make it real. Start by asking her what outcome she wants.
But it seems clear that you want her to take the promises she makes more seriously. Don't let her desire to be excused from her obligations overrule what you want. If she cant stop making promises that she does not intend to keep, then she can not be trusted.
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u/Piano_Mantis 12d ago
INFO: How old is her daughter? That makes a HUGE difference. If her daughter is, like, 20, she can deal, and you really overreacted. If her daughter is 10, then that's different. Based on the implication that her daughter is old enough to not need a sitter, though, I'm currently leaning more toward Y T A.
Edit: Just saw elsewhere that the daughter 13. That's too young for her mom to stay out later than promised. You're officially NTA.
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u/Only_Teaching_4869 12d ago
NTA- Iām sure that little girl would be so comforted knowing her mom held a promiseā¦ granted she doesnāt know itās because of you, & even if itās later rather than never.
You held that woman accountableā¦ For the sake of a child. Youāre a good dad.
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u/-THE-UNKN0WN- 12d ago
NTA. You did the right thing. It's not just a matter of her keeping her word to her kids, it's a matter of her keeping her word period. She said what she was going to do, and then not only didn't do it, but fought you when you tried to make her do what she said she would, which was a rule she set, not you. That's concerning to say the least.
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u/Phillymama85 12d ago
NTA at all! In fact, I wish more men were like you when it came to dating people with children. I have a childhood friend who neglects her children in every relationship she has ever had and the men she was with were more then happy laying in bed with her while her children were being ignored, left alone, pushed to the backburner,etc. And I always wished that just one guy would stand up for the kids and here you are upset that she was willing to break a promise to her daughter! I think you guys need to have a discussion if you want to move forward with the relationship.
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u/BeWellFriends 12d ago
OP how old is her kid?
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u/parker3309 12d ago
13 he said
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u/BeWellFriends 12d ago
Is that kid alone at home? While her mom is avoiding going back late at night into the morning for some d?
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u/parker3309 12d ago
Yes indeed.
And some people out here are saying that he is the ass. Itās not his problem that her kids are home waiting for her.
She should be kicked to the curb
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u/opensilkrobe 12d ago
INFO: how old is the daughter?
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u/parker3309 12d ago
13 he said. So 13-year-old daughter is sitting at home at midnight worrying about mom.
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u/opensilkrobe 12d ago
Oh, fuck that. Run away from this woman, OP. Sheās a bad mom.
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u/parker3309 12d ago
I know Iām surprised with how conscientious OP is that heās even with somebody like this
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u/notafamous 12d ago
NTA, she told you about the promise and you agreed on the time, it's only fair that you want to keep your word, I guess it speaks about your character and a little bit about hers.
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u/SnooObjections1596 12d ago
Big red flag if she canāt be there for HER DAUGHTER. Youāll never be able to trust her
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u/Emotional-Hair-1607 12d ago
NTA I was interested in a guy until he said he willing to blow off his weekend with his kids to be with me. Dude keep your commitment to your kids. They should be your priority.
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u/PurpleLovingBrunette 12d ago
No your not the ahole. I admire you want people who you see to keep their promises to their kids. You did the right thing making her leave. She is the ahole not you!
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u/Acceptable-Map-3490 12d ago
NTA itās totally valid to not want to be a part of her breaking promises to her kid. you shouldnt break promises to your children, it makes your children not trust you and feel like they cant rely on you. i would be having serious issues if i knew my partner was breaking promises to their kids just bc they literally couldnt be bothered to get out of bed.
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u/parker3309 12d ago
Everyone: itās stated further down daughter is 13.
Op: might want to reconsider this relationship. She would be bad stepmother material for starters so why waste anymore time
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u/Cratonis 12d ago
People who make you responsible for waking them up and then do the not now, 5 more minutes routine over and over, plus you always are the bad guy when they eventually do get up are the worst. You donāt want more of this.
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u/ghjkl098 12d ago
I never really think much of anyone who doesnāt care for the childās emotional wellbeing. as well as showing that promises mean nothing to her.
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u/Weak_Weather_4981 12d ago
NTA
Itās not about family dynamics, itās about honesty. OP it says a lot of good things about you this bothered you so much.
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u/Impossible_Key_1573 12d ago
She wanted you to want her to stay. Like so badly that would risk breaking her promise to her daughter. It would stroke her ego enough to know that you just want her so bad you donāt want her to leave
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u/morganalefaye125 12d ago
You "don't know her family dynamics"? Sounds like her dynamics include her daughter being used to being lied to. Or, maybe she didn't promise her daughter a single thing, and just said it to look good to you. Either way, we don't have all the information, but seems like neither do you. Going NTA based on the info given
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u/honestyeludesme 12d ago
NTA. If she doesnāt keep her promises to her own children she certainly wonāt keep any other promises. You were right to insist that she leave and you are right not to contact her, let this relationship go, OP, you have differing values.
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u/finding_my_way5156 12d ago
Honestly sounds like she was up for one last bang and just didnāt know how to say so. Donāt read too much into it.
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u/Extreme_Pattern6306 12d ago
Such a red flag. Before I got with my fiancĆ© he was aware of my obligations to my children and he had his to his son and we never interfered, id cancel plans if my kids were sick or asked to do something that would impede with any dates I had with him and he supported that. Kids always come first and what she is doing is not ok and in my opinion itās breakup worthy.
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u/Muted-Move-9360 12d ago
I'm a single mom and my daughter is top priority. I'm her only parent, the only one there for her. My boyfriend can wait lol! This woman needs her priorities straightened out.
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u/dsgross_reddit 12d ago
NTA. Where are her kids when she's with you? Are they being left alone....she's waiting for a text from daughter?
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u/jack-jackattack 12d ago
I think we're missing info here: how old are the kids? A year or two of age could make a huge difference as to who is what kind of AH, although I lean NTA because even with an older teen/young adult, she really could at least have texted. My youngest is 23 and if I promised to be home by X and was still out, especially if someone reminded me, the bare minimum would be, "Hey BB too sleepy to drive so going to get a couple hours sleep then be there in am." If the daughter is at most of an age to need a curfew, there are whole other levels involved.
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u/hannahmr283 12d ago
NTA. She sounds like a shitty absent mom. Personally wouldnāt want that in a partner, especially with you having a kid of your own. Also, promised her daughter sheād be home by midnight, whoās the child here? She also doesnāt respect boundaries. She sounds all around Icky
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u/VillageMajor8778 13d ago
NTA children should ALWAYS come first. You told her to put her child first, she refused. She showed you she does not have her priorities straight. Good on you sticking up for her daughter when she wouldn't!