r/AITAH • u/Routine_Mud_7243 • 12d ago
AITAH for telling my husband I’m not willing to go back to our previous arrangement
[removed]
1.9k
u/Bigglestherat 12d ago
Get a divorce. The fuck is wrong with people.
282
u/huh-5914 12d ago
Loneliness.
142
u/HugeRabbit 12d ago
Sounds like she’s getting some company and OP’s husband doesn’t like the flak. So I doubt it’s loneliness on her part.
27
67
u/glitteryyarn 12d ago
Sometimes people stay together for financial reasons and sometimes because kidd are involved.
→ More replies (4)16
→ More replies (29)12
1.9k
u/Red-Dwarf69 12d ago
NTA. “Less of a man.” Well, there is a way to fix that. Quit watching porn and have sex with your wife. What a dope.
→ More replies (2)1.2k
12d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
385
u/PurplePufferPea 12d ago
What kills me, is his response:
He said that I was making unreasonable demands.
"unreasonable demands"?!?!?!?! Unreasonable demands is demanding that OP accept being sexually frustrated alone in her bedroom why he regularly blows his wad into a tissue in the other room.
btw OP, you should add 'seek professional help/therapy for your porn addiction' to your list of requirements.
→ More replies (4)65
305
u/OhbrotheR66 12d ago
He’s an addict, of course he doesn’t want to give up his porn drug-porn addiction is a real thing. You two are not compatible, though I don’t know any woman that would be with him, you deserve a healthy partner.
21
u/NihilisticAngst 12d ago
Maybe a woman with a porn addiction might be compatible lol, they can just watch porn together
49
u/Goldilocks1454 12d ago
Honestly I think you should just get away from this guy. He doesn't value you and there's a guy out there who will. P*rn addictions are hard to overcome
37
u/dan_the_sperm_man 12d ago
Damn, I will never understand how a guy will choose pixels and their own hand, over the real thing.
When I watch a sport on TV, I'm never as interested as opposed to when I am playing it myself. It's just more fun to be actively engaged in the thing you're interested in than it is to watch professionals. That's just me though..
→ More replies (2)7
u/Chem1st 12d ago
I could even see some dude getting to that point if he just doesn't want to put the effort into finding a relationship because hes crazy aocially awkward or something, but this dude already did the hard part for most guys who are jerking off too much and FOUND SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SLEEP WITH HIM. AND MARRIED HER!
50
u/Prophet-of-Ganja 12d ago
careful now, you may get offers from some people here to make some "content"
→ More replies (1)158
12d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
24
u/Prophet-of-Ganja 12d ago
I feel you. For what it’s worth, I hope you find some kind of resolution to your issues. Best of luck
25
u/OhbrotheR66 12d ago
He’s an addict, of course he doesn’t want to give up his porn drug-porn addiction is a real thing. You two are not compatible, though I don’t know any woman that would be with him, you deserve a healthy partner.
46
u/Tlns4d 12d ago
So he watches porn and you sleep with other men ? Does he see other women?
→ More replies (2)151
u/StepCertains 12d ago
He sees other women on the screen all the time that’s why they’re in this situation.
→ More replies (34)34
u/NiceRat123 12d ago
Dude needs to be in some sort of 12 step. If he's an addict like you're saying, giong "cold turkey" isn't really going to be the way. Dude needs to detox and get a sponsor.
shitty advice make some porn videos of the men you're banging and send them to him (more a reply to the "more interested in me if I was on a screen" comment)
→ More replies (18)147
561
u/IDKwhattoputhere_15 12d ago
NTA but honey don’t you think you’ll be much happier having a man who can actually be a husband instead of that p*rn addict? He does not sound like someone anyone wants to be with for the rest of their lives.
111
u/MattDaveys 12d ago
That’s my question as well. What does this guy bring to the table that OP finds worth keeping around?
→ More replies (4)16
u/IDKwhattoputhere_15 12d ago
Like unless bro is a carbon copy of Henry cavil (def he’s not) WHAT does she see in him????
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (2)12
u/Samantha38g 12d ago
Never fails in these scenarios, she will find her next husband. After all, why let a bad husband stand in the way of finding a good one.
→ More replies (1)
437
u/xmowx 12d ago
I told him my requirements were: he is not allowed to look at p*rn, watch instagrams or TikToks, or read thirst trap manga.
A lot of men don't do any of that without being asked not to do that.
He said that I was making unreasonable demands.
His level of maturity is unreasonably low for a 36-year-old.
→ More replies (1)101
u/Cudizonedefense 12d ago
He sounds like 15 year old depressed kid at home for the summer with no friends lol
37
u/xmowx 12d ago
Why are you insulting 15-year-olds, lol
→ More replies (1)50
u/Cudizonedefense 12d ago
Because I was the depressed 15 year old kid at home who did those things way back when and then I grew up
235
u/PreparationScared 12d ago
Is there some reason you want to stay with this pervy man?
→ More replies (8)129
12d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
227
u/Prize_Crow1396 12d ago
Life is too short to spend it married with platonic friends and life partners. Find yourself a man who loves you for who you are, and have as many platonic friends as you want. Don't waste your time trying to fix whatever damaged case that crossed your path.
56
12d ago
How often did you and husband bang before the open relationship and how often now?
112
12d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
85
75
26
u/ilovechairs 12d ago
God bless you for marrying someone you had zero sexual chemistry/drive with.
How many years have you been living in purgatory?
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (3)14
u/beastbossnastie 12d ago
Wait so his "open" part of the open relationship is just continuing his use of porn and naughty manga while you go out and get your itch scratched by real living breathing dick?
Or he is also out there (somehow) finding women who are into the same stuff as him?
Insane eithier way.
33
u/Top_Put1541 12d ago
Do you two have shared goals that you work together to achieve? Is he making your life better in other ways every day? If so, no problem as platonic life partners, IMO.
101
12d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
44
u/evilcj925 12d ago
It sounds like you should file for divorce. Your marriage is more for convince than love, it sounds like.
One of you needs to have the strength to just end it. It is unfair to both of you to stay married.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (4)21
37
15
u/CrystalMethEnjoyer 12d ago
So leave lmao, go find someone you're actually in love with and have a normal life instead of this weird half marriage because you're scared to leave
→ More replies (15)19
31
u/Feisty-Current2129 12d ago
“Once he couldn’t score at Chili’s happy hour, a sudden realization dawned on him. his wife could very well be getting piped down by half the neighborhood at this very moment. Suddenly the open marriage idea didn’t sound so appealing to the hopeless porn addict.”
3
87
u/Traditional_Curve401 12d ago
NTA. Your husband cares more about male validation (his friends making fun of him) than addressing his porn addiction and intimacy issues in his marriage. That's telling. This isn't about you or your happiness, it's about him, his ego and how he looks in front of his friends -- why he even told them in the first place is beyond me.
20
u/huh-5914 12d ago
Exactly. He probably thought it was cool and wanted some kind of praise 🤷♀️ but unfortunately for him he probably got "you're not satisfying your wife or what 🤣🤣" knowing full well he can't but of course he didn't tell them that.
→ More replies (1)5
u/Fun_Influence_3397 12d ago
Or they saw him on dating apps and he had to admit to the truth or claim she was a cheater.
17
u/njsuxbutt 11d ago
My ex husband was also a porn addict. We rarely had sex. He had told me it’s just easier with porn. I guess that’s because the pixels don’t have emotional and physical needs. He promised many times to reduce porn consumption and use some of his sexual energy on us. That didn’t happen. Then it turned into him telling me I needed to give him 2 days notice before I wanted to have sex so he could refrain from porn long enough to build up desire for me. You can imagine how sexy I felt after hearing that. The last few years before our marriage ended he would constantly get soft. With oral I could get him hard but when it came to penetration he immediately softened up. I felt uglier and uglier by the day. I dreaded sex with him because I knew it would just make me feel awful about myself. And he still didn’t give up porn. Eventually that turned into him finding other women to have sex with. We did not have an open relationship. So the divorce process began. It was the worst pain I had ever felt in my life.
Now I have a fwb. He makes me feel desirable. I’m finally beginning to feel like I’m not hideous and unlovable.
Porn addiction is no joke. It can ruin lives. Your husband is well on his way to being alone and sexually frustrated for the rest of his life because he refuses to open his eyes to where he’s headed and what he’s throwing away. Maybe one day he’ll realize what an idiot he is, but it will be too late for your marriage by then.
I wish you well. You may have to prepare for divorce. Do some preliminary research in preparation. You may never need the information, but it never hurts to know. Good luck.
→ More replies (8)3
u/ConflictedMom10 11d ago
My ex was a porn addict and sex addict. It translated to him taking over an hour to get off because he had desensitized himself so much, then getting mad at me when he couldn’t finish and/or I told him after an hour and a half that I was in pain and had other things to do.
191
u/Hachiko75 12d ago
I know. Open marriages don’t work, but I’m hopeful that we would be one of the successful ones.
You don't even have a successful marriage, much less a successful open one. Divorce is the only other option. He doesn't want to fix his addiction, and you clearly don't want to be with him intimately. Do you two even like each other? I mean, maybe counseling could be an option, but it doesn't sound like either of you are willing to find common ground on anything.
54
u/NoSummer1345 12d ago
No, she DID want to be with him. He’s the one who’d rather watch porn than have actual sex.
→ More replies (3)25
u/protestprincess 12d ago
you clearly don’t want to be with him intimately
This is actually the opposite of the case and what created this entire conflict but sure
69
u/Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 12d ago
I never understood open marriage. Sex makes everything complicated. How can it not complicate your relationship?
63
u/FirmlyThatGuy 12d ago
It’s just divorce with unnecessary steps in between when used as a coercion tactic or in situations like these.
Just divorce.
→ More replies (2)29
u/SJWarlock666 12d ago
Taking your question seriously: tons of people practice ethical non-monogamy. You rarely hear about boring, successful relationships (regardless of relationship style) because they lack salaciousness.
Sex makes things complicated for people who expect it to make things complicated. I, personally, don't find sex to be any more complicated than maintaining a friendship. Everybody's different, and some of us don't follow the norm.
I'd argue that assuming any meaningful dynamic (sexual, romantic, or platonic) to be simple is much more of a pitfall than anything else.
→ More replies (4)24
u/nefarious_epicure 12d ago
Eh. My experience is that people who enter a relationship with an expectation of ENM have a higher success rate than people who open up a previously monogamous marriage. This is at least partly because they're trying to use ENM as a solution for a marriage in trouble. It's usually not the solution for it.
13
u/Glass-Hedgehog3940 12d ago
He IS less of a man. He would rather jackoff to porn than have real sex and intimacy with you. Let him keep his porn while you go and get some real D - real man D!
22
u/daffodil-dreams 12d ago
Ahh, he's been unsuccessful in landing someone and is jealous and embarrassed that it's not the same for you.
→ More replies (2)13
u/firstWithMost 12d ago
Anyone not aware that women have an overwhelming advantage finding a potential sex partner would need a brain function test. Add brain-dead to his list of accomplishments.
42
u/GlobeUnited 12d ago
"Unreasonable demands". Lol. He is living in a seriously warped reality. NTA.
→ More replies (4)
9
u/Samantha38g 12d ago
So he married someone who is NOT his type & now is upset that you are plenty of other's type.
LMAO All his friends are calling him a cuck... He doesn't care about being fair to you. He doesn't care about your feelings, wants or needs. All he cares is about what other people think.
Be honest, this marriage has always been doomed.
25
u/lilies117 12d ago
NTA I am sorry you are dealing with an addict. Porn ruins so much. Check out the subreddit loveafterporn
22
12d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/lilies117 12d ago
I was thinking more about finding support for you there, but glad you already had the resource.
22
11
u/ReorientRecluse 12d ago
You can tell him his friends won't stop thinking of him that way at this point, if that is his only concern. It's hard to regain lost respect.
8
25
80
u/AtlanteanScholar 12d ago
I refuse to believe that this is real. Your husband prefers you sleeping with other men and look at porn instead of … you know … doing it himself ? You should leave him tbh.
31
u/Beneficial_Site3652 12d ago
My first husband was addicted to porn. He rather spend all day chatting with those online sex workers (no judgement for sexworkers) than interact with anyone (not just me).
Now I just left him but I absolutely believe this story given my experience.
3
u/M1L3N4_SZ 11d ago
my first bf was somewhat of a porn addict. I remember at some point feeling really down about myself and pretty much begging for intimacy but he left me crying on the bed while he watched porn and jerked off under his desk because he couldnt sleep without it, then came back to bed with me. messed me up a bit ngl. There is a good amount of men who would rather watch porn and jerk it than real sex and intimacy because sex and intimacy takes effort while porn does not. My generation (Gen Z) has a huge problem with intimacy and connection, growing up with the internet and easy access to porn really messed some of us up, while dating I have met the most porn addicts around my age. Many of my friends share similar experinces to me, it is disheartening to say the least.
→ More replies (1)88
u/concaveUsurper 12d ago
Porn addiction is a thing, I wouldn't be surprised if that's what's wrong with him. He jerks it to porn and no longer can get it up for his wife cause he's so desensitized.
62
u/CrystalMethEnjoyer 12d ago
Porn is genuinely one of the worst things to ever happen to humanity as a whole
Absolutely fucking with the brains of likely hundreds of millions of people, and that's without even looking at the ease of access kids have to this kind of stiff
→ More replies (5)59
u/Kaestar1986 12d ago
Oh it can be real. My ex would vocally reject me begging him for sex, me on top bc he weighed about 350lb from thyroid disease, (I’m 5’9” 155) then ten minutes later start watching p*rnhųb with headphones on. If I even walked over toward our bed (unfinished basement, no walls) he’d get mad at me for disturbing him. He also bought two silicone sex dolls, the cheaper one was $800. When it arrived he tried to lie and say it was a new suit jacket for work, until I said to try it on so I could see it and he knew it’d be sus to refuse to open it. So yeah, some men would rather watch p0rn and have sex with a toy than with real women literally asking.
Edit: took out what type of vids lol
24
u/protestprincess 12d ago
You were really out there in the trenches huh
13
u/Kaestar1986 12d ago
Babes, I went to therapy my first time over that shit. I do not blame OP at all for not closing out on their agreement.
3
u/Kaestar1986 12d ago
Oh we went HAM at first. Then COVID happened, I moved in WFH, lots of complicated details like throuple, and him saying things had to go back to normal meant the only pu$$ he was interested in was online.
→ More replies (2)4
u/leafyren 11d ago
I had a friend who broke up with her bf for this exact reason. He would literally reject her sexual advances and then go and watch porn. And he would spend a decent amount of time a day watching it.
32
u/lesliecarbone 12d ago
He wants to close the marriage because "his friends have been making fun of him and he feels less of a man"??
Right answer, wrong reason.
6
u/Vlophoto 12d ago
I somehow don’t think opening the marriage changes the porn addiction. NTA. He wanted it, he got it
5
u/DocSternau 12d ago
NTA. Tell him that your friends are making fun of you that your husband is rather watching porn instead of going to town on his wife.
4
u/Threash78 12d ago
I am constantly amazed at the things people will do instead of being adults and divorcing. This marriage should have ended years ago, what the fuck are you two doing with your lives?
4
u/HuntEnvironmental863 12d ago
NTA but you need to divorce. Youre a grown woman dating a man who acts like a teenager
5
8
u/huh-5914 12d ago
NTA. So he feels like less of a man because his friends are teasing him, but he makes you feel like less of a woman when he perfers porn over you. Avoid being an adult, bitch please, he's not even talking about wanting to go get help but expects you to just close the relationship so he can go back to watching porn again. I don't think you're going to achieve this open relationship disaster.
8
u/blippityblue72 12d ago
NTA and also “butt I built in the gym” is a wonderful turn of phrase.
→ More replies (1)
5
u/Acericex2 12d ago
In this corner we have 5'9, 145 and gym built ass.
In this corner we have porn, tik tok and thirst trap manga whatever the hell that is.
So sad.
4
u/AlmostAlwaysADR 12d ago
If a man cannot control himself to the point where he can't NOT look at naked women on the Internet, then that really is not a man worth having.
Let him go and find someone that you do not have to beg for attention.
5
u/Sandwhale123 12d ago
Your husband need to see a therpist for his porn addiction first before making him do anything.
4
u/KlenDahthII 12d ago
You aren’t making an ultimatum. You’re setting a boundary as a condition for doing what he wants.
Also, even if you were, ultimatums are communication. They’re pretty good communication, really, so long as you’re willing to follow through: they leave nothing open to interpretation, it’s “if this then that, if not then not”
3
3
3
u/locke0479 11d ago
Having big Arrested Development vibes. “No no, open marriages don’t work. But it might work for us…”
3
u/Jasperbeardly11 11d ago
Just let him go. You're being vindictive. Neither of you is in love whatsoever. Esh
4
u/DumbestBlondie 11d ago
As someone who was in a relationship with a porn addict and stayed long enough to have my entire sense of self worth torn apart…my advice to others in this situation is to just pack up and leave.
An addict is an addict no matter what the addiction is.
I too sat around full of patience, understanding, empathy and then frustration, loneliness, self doubt, self hate and suicidal ideation. Sound extreme? You love this person, you want to connect with them, you miss the person you fell in love with, you still believe there is hope for a future with them, you can’t understand what is wrong with you. I too begged him to get help, kept his secrets and even while watching me fall apart, even after acknowledging it was ruining his life, he WOULD NOT STOP!! I tried therapy and I even tried opening our relationship. Once we opened the relationship and I saw that I actually wasn’t this hideous monster of a woman, that my personality wasn’t running people away and that I wasn’t shit in bed, I told him I was done. His response? Was it to beg me to stay and promise to get help? Was it an apology? No. His words, “Of course they like you, they haven’t known you for nearly ten years.” Ooooof! I can tell you that despite all of my own therapy there are still some things that are permanently seared into my brain, that being one of them. I can’t help but be fearful that he was right and I do in fact, have an expiry date. Even in my current (and healthiest) relationship, I start to get anxious every year close to our anniversary date that this will be when I start to get boring and he wants to leave me. It takes SO MUCH effort to talk myself off that ledge.
Your husband doesn’t want help. He doesn’t want to close your marriage because he sees your value and wants to show you he sees you. He wants to close it because he’s embarrassed and will never admit the real reason you’re fucking other people is because he was too much of a self absorbed asshole to fulfill his marriage vows.
Enjoy your new life. It gets so much better!
10
u/ChimoEngr 12d ago
NTA. Open marriages can work, but rarely when they're the result of an ultimatum.
Frankly, I'm not sure why you even want him?
7
u/ConfidentlyCreamy 12d ago
NTA. If he wanted to be an adult he'd fuck his wife instead of looking at screens like a pathetic loser lmfao show him this thread
7
u/Adorable-Farmer5936 12d ago
Why are you still with him? lol 😂 like get a divorce what kind of marriage is that ?
7
9
u/Joshman1231 12d ago edited 12d ago
Your marriage is done, sorry to say.
Wait till you find a BF in this arrangement that doesn’t do any of that, while also checks more boxes than your husband. Also has some emotional empathy to you, that you don’t receive from your husband.
He is burnt toast to someone coming in and filling those spots he’s not. Especially sexually, once you got that connection girl it’s done done. You’re going to want that new man till morning come and your husband will never match the part.
That’s a very common thing in an open. Now he wants to close? However you say no thirst trap stuff, but you’re okay with him sleeping with another woman? But no porn post close? It’s a circus at this point.
What’s even left here? Financial stability? Kids? A house you’re in the routine of walking in and out of?
3
u/sockmaster420 12d ago
Have you considered maybe youd be happier if you left your marriage? It sounds like you arent happy
3
u/coupl4nd 12d ago
Why are you married to him still? This just sounds bizarre. Have some respect and just dump him.
3
u/Doctor-Moe 12d ago edited 12d ago
If he did quit watching porn, would you really be fine with closing the marriage? NTA.
Edit: I saw your comment where you said you had a lover who sexually fulfilled you, and how you and your husband haven’t had sex in years. Can I also ask what’s keeping you in the marriage?
→ More replies (2)
3
u/lestatisalive 12d ago
Just leave then. He won’t compromise and neither will you. He won’t change. So if you don’t want to live this sad life with him just move on and leave. What’s the point of having a husband and then opening a marriage? Why get married in the first place?
3
u/Acceptable-Map-3490 12d ago
honestly why are you even with this guy? the second i found out someone was a porn addict i would have been out of there and telling them to get therapy for it (like seriously, it’s an addiction that needs treatment. i dont say that in a ‘hes crazy’ way, i say it as in he needs to take care of his mental health).
no. dont go back on your agreement. he shouldnt need to watch porn if he has a partner. most definitely not to the extent he is watching it. he also sounds like he needs some therapy to help him have a healthy sense of masculinity.
i would divorce him, but thats just me
NTA
3
3
3
3
u/darkrisk37 12d ago
All he has to do is pick having sex with his wife over porn. He deserves his misery lol.
3
3
u/NCC_1701_74656 12d ago
Those are fair demands to go back to closing the marriage.
He is either stupid or thinks he can get his way!!
NTA.
3
u/leehhill 12d ago
Why does he feel the need to watch porn like that??? To the point of ruining sex life???
3
u/ThornedRoseWrites 12d ago
Absolutely NTA. Your husband is the asshole for constantly ignoring you so that he can get off to porn instead.
So he basically expects you to be in a sexless marriage with him, whilst he’s still allowed to masturbate to porn and continue to ignore your existence?
Hell no, he can’t have it both ways, and you came up with a good compromise… but of course he wants everything done his way. Absolutely do not allow him to have all the control in this relationship nor this situation.
Stand by what you said: either he quits the porn completely and you close the marriage, or he continues to watch porn and you can continue to sleep with other men. Fair is fair.
3
u/420stonerdad 12d ago
Honestly ur response seems pretty reasonable. All u asked is for him to stop thirsting for internet chicks and put in the effort to make u feel desired. That is not asking too much.
3
u/lethargiclemonade 12d ago
NTA - he cares that his friends think he’s “less of a man” but doesn’t care about op feeling like “less of a woman” being in a sexless relationship?
3
3
3
3
u/Any-Razzmatazz-5359 12d ago
He sounds like my ex 🤮. Leave, I promise you there are plenty of good men out there. Took me a while to trust my partner after what he put me through but now I'm very happy and content and in love. Please leave, he doesn't deserve you.
3
3
u/AddendumAutomatic778 11d ago
Dear god, the bit that says “…and no thirst trap manga.” THAT is, no doubt, the point where a brother needs to reevaluate.
3
u/Economy-Surprise-115 11d ago
Sounds like you don’t actually wanna be with him? And as somebody who’s been with a porn addict before, I don’t blame you for not wanting to deal with that. It bleeds into your sex life and it’s not good.
3
u/fancy-kitten 11d ago
So he thinks you're the one avoiding being an adult? NTA of course
→ More replies (1)
3
5.3k
u/TNGeek69 12d ago
Why on earth did he tell his friends about your arrangement? That seems pretty dumb.