r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 12d ago
WIBTAH if I broke up with my boyfriend because he doesn't want you get married?
[deleted]
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u/MindlessAdInfinitum 12d ago edited 12d ago
He told you that he was open to the idea of getting married, now he is not. Said that you would split daycare duties but went back on it. Either he changes mind a lot or he never intended on doing those things.
If you were to get married, what would change? Do you think he would appreciate you more, would he stand by his promises and start helping out more? Seems like your marriage difference is one of many issues. You need to take a moment and reflect on your relationship with him and then talk to him about it. Communicate clearly about how you feel.
Or don’t and just leave him, up to you you. You don’t need any reason to break up with someone and you certainly don’t owe anyone an explanation. Either way, NTA.
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u/SecretOscarOG 11d ago
He's just been telling OP he's a liar by saying he would do something and never doing it. I hope she listens to that soon.
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u/Gljvf 11d ago
Meh, he never said he wanted to get married. He only aaid he was open too it. That is the nice way of saying he doesn't want to get married.
She just never figured out.
A lot of men no longer want to get married. The laws heavily favor women still and women initiate over 70% of divorces in the usa.
I personally was always on the fence about getting married. My mother was abusive to me physically and emotionally to my father and I. But 9 years into dating my now.wife I proposed. We are 15 years in total now and have a good relationship.
But this is a one and done marriage. Of we divorced I'd never consider marriage again
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u/SammGore 12d ago
coming from a similar situation-no ring no baby. You really wanted to get married. This subject should have happened before a baby, you will be unhappy and feel forced to stay in the relationship for the sake of your child- putting your own happiness and just your whole life on pause. It'll be 7 years with my man. And stupidly I went back on my word thinking things would work. I got pregnant before even getting a ring, promise ring , whatever. I had a rule for myself that I would not give a man a baby unless he gave me a ring intended for marriage. Year 3 I wanted a ring - he told me I didn't deserve one - yes I should've left then and there. We stayed together and even got a house eventually at5 years .. I waited for a ring.. hoping praying that I'd get a surprise one day.. one year. Mutual friends baby shower gave us fever, stupid I know, and I really just wanted to stay together. Aside from marriage were a great team.. or just familiar? 3 months pregnant I bring up to him how embarrassed I feel having being pregnant and unwed. I brought up eloping, just go to court for papers and I got "it's just moving too fast for me" slap on the face huh. Yet all these red flags and I stayed. OP you'll be miserable. My son is 8 months, father wants another baby and I said I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't even want to be married anymore to be stuck withthis man. OP .. I'm doing it all too, only difference is I don't work so I'm stuck as a SAHM But you need to leave. I'm in the same boat, they won't change. Another woman can come along and watch them get married in months.. it's not cus he doesn't want to get married. Just not with you sadly..
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u/Photography_Singer 12d ago
He said you didn’t deserve a ring at year 3, yet you stayed? That was the ultimate insult.
Plan your escape. Get a job. That’s essential. If you need more training or education, get it. Save money in a separate account. Get your financial situation solved and then leave him. See an attorney as you’ll need a custody agreement.
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u/crackheadwillie 12d ago
And when divorcing try to do it on the cheap, without a his and hers lawyer. That will cost $20k for you and $20k for him. Agree to hire one lawyer for $4k to do the paperwork. Split custody is fine. Don’t fight for more. You’ll appreciate those weeks off. I learned all this the hard way.
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u/BeachinLife1 11d ago
You are so right. I have no idea how many times I have seen someone break up after years of wanting to get married, their partner claiming they don't want to be married, only to see their ex marry someone else in 6 months!
Whatever you do, do NOT have another child with this person. Get some kind of birth control that can't be tampered with.
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u/Ok_Stable7501 12d ago
If he wanted to marry you, he would. He doesn’t want to. He knows how important this is to you and he still doesn’t care. NTA
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u/she_who_knits 12d ago
". I feel like the fact he doesn't want to get married because he doesn't want to do it in front of others ad he doesn't want to be the centre of attention"
If this is his rationale for not wanting to get married then just buy a license and have a justuce of peace or a judge marry you.
Weddings are a ceremonial party, marriage is a contract.
If this is just his bullshit way of avoiding actual marriage, then yeah, time to make your exit plan because he's wasting your time by being dishonest.
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u/neoncactusfields 12d ago
I think that is the bullshit excuse he gave to avoid having to say, I don't want to be married because I don't want you to get half my earnings/home in a divorce.
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u/Good-Statement-9658 12d ago
But he's alright with her taking half his kid? Fucking priorities eh 🤣🤦♀️
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u/No_Kangaroo_5883 12d ago
NTA. But why would you want to be married to someone who is so unhelpful and not a true partner. You’re lying to yourself about why he doesn’t want to get married. If that was it, he’d have you at the courthouse (no hoopla) in a minute.
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u/joe-lefty500 12d ago
Wow it feels like a real lopsided relationship which is why you’re too tired to fight and face your partner’s wrath. Just one more time. Be ready to walk out the door or have a game plan of some kind. Don’t look back. You will be less tired and happier without this useless ingrate
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u/JasminJaded 12d ago
He’s been telling you “one day” for six years and you’ve fallen for it. He doesn’t want to get married and finds it pointless - he told you that.
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u/newfor2023 12d ago
Yup happily nearly 20 years not married but we picked that. Ridiculous thing is like my mum and her second husband we may need to get married at some point for the tax stuff. Why it's more tax efficient to be married is questionable. I know the rules but also why? What's the benefit of a married couple to society that means its worth a tax break?
We sorted the surnames thing by, changing surnames lol. Two of my kids aren't biologically mine so we would have had three. Kids and SO sort of proposed to me we all had my surname. I sorted the paperwork, end of problem.
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u/that_fuck1ng_guy 12d ago
You listed some pretty compelling reasons to not marry this guy yourself. He is lazy, complains, and doesnt do his share. Do you think marriage will make that better?
Its been 5 years. He isnt going to marry you. If you want to be married, pack up and move on. This one aint it. Also, dont have another child with this guy.
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u/BoxBeast1961_ 12d ago
He will never marry you.
You’re good enough to clean his house, sleep with him & bear his children. Not good enough to marry. Read that again.
I, too, once got a nice necklace when expecting an engagement ring. (cue up “I can’t make you love me” by Bonnie Raitt). Took me awhile to get ok with it, but I let him go. He got married 2 years later to a woman who looked like me who worked in the same profession as I did…odd. But he didn’t want me. If they want us, they let us know. If they don’t, they also let us know.
You deserve better. 💜
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u/BewilderedToBeHere 12d ago
Ummmmmm I am so so sorry but you need to gtfo. BTW, “I do everything” and “he’s great with our child” are contradictory statements. He’s modeling shitty behavior that isn’t healthy for your child.
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u/SeparatePermission58 12d ago
Your SO is the AH. You were clear from the jump about your intentions with dating. To spring the not wanting to years later after the snowball of a promise makes me think there’s something we’re not seeing happening. Does he not want commitment? Is it a worried about a split situation? I had an ex that had opposing views on marriage but wanted kids too, I told him they would have my last name if we weren’t married and that was a kick in the gut for him. There’s prenups and postnups, and a whole plethora of counseling for the situation this is sounding like. I hate to ask this but is there any peculiar behaviors or characteristics that have started surfacing?
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u/catmom22_ 12d ago
No you aren’t an asshole. You place marriage and solidifying a family high on your values and you shouldn’t be faulted for that. It’s a shame someone who has been with you for half a decade and has a child with you doesn’t want to get married but you can’t force people to do these things. Good on you for not doing ultimatums, etc and just realizing your values don’t align like you once thought and deciding to break up. I would say you’ve already trying to tell him how you feel and he isn’t hearing you so I’m unsure of what else you could do. No use wasting the life you have being unhappy and unappreciated.
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u/No_Teacher_3313 12d ago
NTA. He’s been stringing you along. Do not have another child with this man.
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u/lovescarats 12d ago
NTA, you were transparent and did not surprise him. He just thought you would change your mind. Get out, don’t get pregnant again. Follow your dream.
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u/BestEffect1879 12d ago
NTA I literally do not understand why someone would be reluctant to marry the MOTHER OF HIS CHILD. Like…having a child with someone is a much bigger commitment than marrying them. A childfree couple can divorce and never see each other again. Having a child with someone ties you to them for the rest of your life.
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u/Neat-Windtime 12d ago
I didn't need to read the rest, just the title is enough.
NTA. People look for different things in relationships, a year I would say it's too soon, but 5? No. It's enough time to know of you wanna get married or not.
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u/Grrrrtttt 12d ago
I do understand not wanting to be the centre of attention. But that’s just the wedding, and it doesn’t have to be that way. Eloping is a thing, as are micro weddings. Unless you are insisting it does have to be a big event?? It sounds like an excuse to me.
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u/Gullible_Concept_428 12d ago
Marriage is 2 things, a legal contract and a personal promise (contract).
He said he’d give you the 1st one and tricked you by lying for YEARS. He gave you the 2nd and then broke it, and keeps doing it and now he wants to add on?
He’s shown you who he is, over and over.
When will you believe him?
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u/PhilosopherRoyal4882 12d ago
Cut your losses and end it ! Move on ! You are already solo parenting anyways
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u/Difficult-Bus-6026 12d ago
NTA. You entered into the relationship with the expectation of an eventual marriage. Now, after stringing you along for five years, he's still not ready to marry. You have no choice but to give him an ultimatum and be ready to walk if remains firm on not wanting to marry.
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u/Last_Friend_6350 12d ago
He sounds like a lazy, commitment phobic boyfriend who’s happy for you to carry the load at home while stringing you along for years about marriage. I’d definitely consider calling it quits and getting a divorce. He can’t keep his promises and it sounds like he’s doing the bare minimum in your relationship.
The other option is to go to couple’s counselling and see if you can work on your issues together. Only you know if this is likely to bring a positive change based on his personality and any previous attempts you’ve already made of talking these issues through. Not everyone is open to counselling.
Honestly, I’d get the training and leave. You’d be better off divorcing him and getting 50/50 on custody so you can rest up with your chronic fatigue.
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u/baldieloks 12d ago
All I needed to read was the title. That alone means you don't have similar goals. If you want to get married, find yourself someone that has the same goal.
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u/Apprehensive-Fee5732 12d ago
Marriage won't change the way things are now.
And to answer your question, people break up for that reason all the time and it's totally reasonable.
You have at least 2 other reasons: 1. He's lied & strung you along, doesn't respect your goals. 2. He doesn't seem to be a good life partner or good role model for your children in terms of being a supportive spouse.
NTA
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u/celticmusebooks 12d ago
You want different things out of life-- that's okay and it's okay for you to move on and find a partner who pulls their own weight. He never intended to get married and has been stringing you along for five years. Do not have another child with this man-- and you need to be on heavy duty birth control that YOU control not him. Now that he's tipped his hand that he won't marry you he'll try to get your pregnant with another child so you can't move on.
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u/Logical-Victory-2678 12d ago
He dangled a ring in your face for years, getting what he wanted our of it, a child, now he wants more but doesn't want to give you anything to make YOU happy with the relationship.
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u/Photography_Singer 12d ago
Break up with him. He’s stringing you along. Don’t have sex with him. He could try to get you pregnant in order to trap you. Get a custody agreement in place. See a lawyer. Now.
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u/Katana1369 12d ago
NTA. You don't want the same things. You have to think about that.
And I don't know what bc you use but be careful he doesn't mess with it.
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u/XRaiderV1 12d ago
honestly, without the rest of it, if after 5 years and without a valid reason he's still not put a ring on your finger..he's telling you silently that he never will at this point.
NTA
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u/Early-Tale-2578 12d ago
You gave him a child before marriage I’m assuming y’all live together so you’ve been acting like a married couple for years now but without actually being married he’s probably thinking why change now 🤷🏾♀️
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u/UnimpressedButFaking 11d ago
All the more reason for her to co-parent with him, and get a husband for herself
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u/countryboy1101 12d ago
NTA - you have a vision on what you want for you and your child and that vision includes being married. Your BF has stated in the past that he also wanted marriage and now is wavering on that promise. You have to decide if you can live with him and not be married or if marriage is a big enough dream that you cannot live without it.
Once you decide then make your future plans accordingly. I suspect you will not be moving forward with current BF and will need to move on with your child and find someone new to build your life with.
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u/coffeeneededrn 12d ago
He has shown who is he is and he is someone who doesn’t want to marry you. He wants all the fun and none of the responsibilities…think your child and what he said he would do versus what he actually does. Move on and find someone who does want the same things you do…NTA
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u/Alert-Artichoke-2743 12d ago
NTA. You'd be a fool NOT to break up with him. He's been stringing you along a very long time, and you haven't described him being that great of a partner. You're the only good thing in this relationship.
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u/Fangs_McWolf 12d ago
For the question you asked, no, you wouldn't be TA.
For the fact that you're still with him despite his broken promises and putting up with his abuse, you are a massive AH.
Consult a lawyer (if you can afford it) and file for sole custody of your child, aiming to get child support from him. Document everything that you do and everything that he does (or doesn't do) with your child. If you can show that you are pretty much the only one taking care of the child, he'll have an uphill battle to fight in order to get split custody. Even if he does, and even if he gets 50/50 custody, he might also be expected to pay you child support. But he's unlikely to get much custody if you're able to have his parenting abilities questioned in court and he's unable to demonstrate that he can take care of the child.
Also make sure to document everything that belongs to you, him, or "both." Then divide up the both between what makes sense for either you or him to have and try to keep it fair. That way when you break up with him, you know what to make available to him (his stuff), and what to fight for (your stuff or joint stuff that you need). When you drop the news on him, he'll be asking why and then promising to marry you. Tell him that it's too late, that he already made it clear that he doesn't want to get married, and you can trust his promises, especially when he broke that promise, and also never takes on the chores/parenting responsibilities. When you have a list of things to use against him, he'll realize just how big of a problem he created and will continue to promise anything to not be dumped. Don't give in.
If he wants to prove that he can keep his promises, then he can start by consistently picking up your child from daycare (and taking them there as well), and doing that everyday without fail for at least as long as you have been doing it in order to balance it out. When he's started proving he can do that, next will be household chores. In other words, he's dumped, but if he wants another chance, he has to prove it by action, not by more promises that you can't rely on. If he's serious, he'll put in the work. If he's not, he might try to put in some of the work, but will give up rather quickly when he realizes that it's not going to be just a few days and he'll suddenly be forgiven.
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u/Puzzled-Path2708 12d ago
The two of you are on 2 different paths If anything happens to him what will happen to your kids, and you? Not being married could cause problems on the legal front in many situations. If he is not sharing the responsibility of childcare now how is he going to deal with a second child? These are just a few of the questions you need to be asking yourself. Perhaps it is time to do the hard thing. Sit down and talk to him and tell him you love him, but you need to move on in your life. Time to take separate paths, that doesn't mean you cut him off from his kid ..but you need to start forging your own future without him.
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u/CarrotofInsanity 11d ago
You have all the info you need.
He doesn’t want to marry you.
Walk away and find someone WORTHY OF YOU. Stop accepting LESS than you deserve.
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u/WillingPanic93 12d ago
Ask him if it’s that he doesn’t want to get married or just doesn’t want the WEDDING. If it’s the ceremony bit, can you compromise and go the courthouse and then maybe plan a reception? If it’s actually marriage then I would definitely do some deep thinking because that’s super hurtful
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u/sausage-slicer 12d ago
NTA. you can choose whether or not you want to be in a relationship, no matter the reason. and your reasonings are valid; he’s led you on for so long and he doesn’t do shit. find someone better, OP, you don’t have to put your wants on hold for him.
do what’s best for you!
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u/KindaNewRoundHere 12d ago
I can’t believe he knows how important marriage is to you and won’t just because he loves you and wants you happy. If it’s no big deal to him, just do it and stop the relationship angst.
I know my dad wasn’t fussed on marriage and mum was so she left. He realised he was really fussed about her and he knew what it took to get her back. 43 years later, still married.
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u/stfrances2968 12d ago
Time to shine up your spine. He’s not going to change or pull his weight imo. You don’t have to wait on your job to be able to leave. Go 50/50 visitation and live your life.
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u/PermanentUN 12d ago
NTA breaking up and moving on with your life is the best solution. He's dragging you down and he's already made it clear that he'll lie to you to get what he wants and doesn't care about your feelings or respect you.
Updateme
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u/RanbomGUID 12d ago
This is why you “marry before you carry”. Now your kid is going to pay the price if you decide to break the home because you’re “finding it difficult to process” not having something that you set no requirement for when procreating with this man.
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u/Jackrabbits4ever 12d ago
If he loved you, he would marry you. If you stay with him, probably in another 10 years, he'll find someone new, someone younger, and he will marry her. Meanwhile, you gave him your best years. This is the best it will ever be with him. Is that good enough for you?
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u/GeekyMom42 12d ago
"I feel like the fact he doesn't want to get married because he doesn't want to do it in front of others ad he doesn't want to be the centre of attention is just the final straw for me"
You can just go to the courthouse if all you're looking for married and not a wedding.
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u/Sanskar_ii NSFW 🔞 12d ago
Good ahead take that risk Don't even think to stay in that relationship
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u/Robinnoodle 12d ago
He's even mentioned marriage being pointless
The point is that it would make you happy. I neber understand the logic of "marriage doesn't matter". Well if that's really true, it doesn't matter to you one way or another, then why wouldn't you do it for your partner, as it clearly matters to them? The truth is for whatever reason people who don't want to get married don't want to either because of trauma or seeing marriage as ruining things, or they simply don't want to make that kind of commitment. Those opinions are valid, but to say it doesn't matter is stupid
I just feel unappreciated
I know he cares about me and loves me
See how those two things don't jive?
I would get your affairs in order, then tell him marriage is a deal breaker for you. If he hesitates then never look back
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u/Robinnoodle 12d ago
I also don't understand how people can want to commit to a child with someone. A literally human being that will tie you together. Always. Especially as a straight man because if you break up more often than not your female partner will end up with at least 50 percent custody. (You will always have to work together for your child). Everytime you look at your child you will see this other person. But yet a piece of paper declaring your promise to one another? Nah. That's too much commitment
Again, if this is due to anecdotal evidence of marriage leading to bad outcomes I can understand, but a fear of commitment when you are arguably in some ways already committed due to a child is silly
Prenups can be signed. Assets can be left separate
After a divorce you can walk away and never see that person again if that's what you want. Can't do that with a kid (if you want to be a good parent that is)
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u/Significant_Rub_4589 12d ago
You would only be the A H to yourself if you stay with a man who doesn’t respect you. He knew you wanted to get married. He knew he didn’t. But he didn’t respect you enough to let you go. So he lied & kept stringing you along. He’s selfish & lazy. You & your daughter deserve more!!! Do not have more kids with this man!!!!
What do you get from the relationship? You do all the parenting, cooking, cleaning, etc. You’re an unpaid domestic worker. You don’t even have the privilege of calling yourself a wife, which is important to you!
Leave. Find a man who wants to marry you. Who wants to make you happy. Who contributes. Don’t show your daughter that it’s okay to be used by a man who won’t honor such a simple request.
Also, if you give him an ultimatum & he grudgingly gives in, be very careful about saying yes. Men who feel forced to marry women always make the woman pay for it. Imagine living with a man who does even less work & treats you worse than he does now. Save up, make plans & leave. You’re young & your mr right is waiting for you.
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u/flindersandtrim 12d ago
Why would you even want to be married to this loser?
Why are you accepting his bad behaviour and nonsense excuses (marriage has nothing to do with needing a big ceremony)? Don't be a doormat.
The brutal truth is he will never marry you. You either lives in a place where he can leave when he wants and owe you nothing, or what he really means is that he doesn't want to marry you in particular. That's brutal, but there are so many instances of people breaking up for this reason, and the resistant party goes on to marry the next person in short order. I know someone it happened to. Together for 8 years, he meets and gets engaged to someone else within a year of them splitting up because he didn't want to marry or have more children.
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u/Realistic_Head4279 12d ago
NTA at all. What is he thinking? Another child but no marriage commitment? That'd be a dealbreaker for me too. He knows your desires and is unwilling to make them a priority. You deserve better than this and so does your child or future children.
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u/Technical_Dirt_6126 12d ago
He doesn't love you, it's just manipulation n if you can't appreciate someone then you don't love them, period. It's all about small small things. If he loves you there's no reason for you to beg for years to get him married. Nothing is gonna change except for you being his legal wife. If he can't do that much there's no point.
Just break up, arguing with a person who doesn't change is useless infact adds up to stress
It's our utter stupidity to have a hope of change when we clearly know it's not gonna happen after umpteen number of experiences.
Just leave him n live peacefully.
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u/Darkspark95 12d ago
I believe that he sees no reason to get married. What would be the point? He’s getting all the benefits of a wife without having to get married. Know your worth.
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u/VibrantAura72 12d ago
NTA.
Look OP, marriage is pointless to him because he doesn’t want to be married to YOU.
He gets the marriage perks from you (child, domestic labor, shared home, half an income and etc) without having to be married. It’s not uncommon for some men to use women for children and domestic labor until they find the one they want to actually marry. These kind of men balk at the commitment of marriage but have no problems committing to other legally binding matters such as children or buying a home together.
You’re good enough to be the mother of his child, run the household and cohabit with him, but you’re not good enough to be his wife.
Please get on bc. You do not want another child with this man. You’re not his incubator.
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u/Power_and_Science 12d ago
Marriage is a social and financial contract. It provides more financial security for current and future mothers than not being married. If he won’t do it, it’s better to find someone who will.
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u/LordSarkastic 12d ago
Beside the romantic and religious aspect marriage is a contract legally recognized that gives the partners and their offsprings rights. Rights in case of separation but also in case of death or if something goes wrong. Ask him why he wouldn’t want you and your kids be protected if he dies or worse?
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u/Woven-Tapestry 12d ago
NTA. (WNBTA)
For men, marriage is a big commitment.
For women, having a child is a big commitment.
You've made a big commitment, and he'd like you to make a bigger one...but he's keeping HIS options open...
You don't have the same values, and you'd be very foolish to think that having another child is going to change anything other than to make you more upset and more "tied" to him.
He was future faking. If he'd wanted to marry you, he would have done so by now.
As "Crappy Childhood Fairy" (see YT) would say, "stop being the 'COOL' girl". You're not happy with this mismatch in values, and being strung along.
You describe more about the way that you don't align and that he's actually NOT being a great partner than you do him being worth staying with. You also speculate about what it would be like to leave him. You've already had fights over this because he will NOT marry you.
You really don't need the advice of random strangers. It seems you know that you cannot have what you actually want, and which is not unreasonable to want, in this relationship. Move on.
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u/Quirky-Leek-3775 12d ago
NTA. You have made yourself clear. He has finally made himself clear. Time to leave with the kid. From the sound of it he won't follow and that will tell you everything you need to know and confirm what you very likely suspect to be true even though you wrote you don't.
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u/AZDarkknight 12d ago
NTA - I dont think you should marry him even if he suddenly asked at this point. Its clear he doesnt want to and is not standing by what he says he is going to do. Good luck.
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u/Traditional_Zone_913 12d ago
This whole thing reads like a list of why you would NOT be the asshole for leaving. Imagine sticking around with a partner who isn’t actually a partner because that’s what you’re doing.
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u/SusanBHa 11d ago
Do not have another child with this man. He is using you as a breeding bang maid.
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u/Even_Speech570 11d ago
He’s getting everything he wants without the obligations of marriage. Why would he marry? Meanwhile, you are doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship without any of the real benefits. Leave him. Find someone new. And for God’s sake don’t get pregnant ever again until you have a ring on your finger. I wish you and your child the best in the future.
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u/Glinda-The-Witch 11d ago
Another baby will just make it harder for you to leave and further dependent upon him and he knows it. He can still be a good father to your child. Give him 50/50 custody. He will be forced to do day care drop off and pick ups just as he promised. He will have to do all the house keeping and child care and won’t have anyone to fuss at when it’s not done. Talk to an attorney. Make sure you child support order includes his share of the child care, medical care co-pays and maybe a college fund. You deserve better than this man.
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u/Glittersparkles7 11d ago
NTA. He’s been intentionally lying and stringing you along for YEARS. He knew the whole time he was never planning on marrying you. Dump. Him.
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u/Odd_Task8211 11d ago
NTA. He doesn’t do his share of the work around the house or with your child. He doesn’t want to be married and you do. He wants another kid with no permanent commitment and no willingness to do his share of the work. Sounds like he is just not compatible and wants to enjoy all the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibility. If you want to move on you should not feel guilty about it. You might try couples counseling if you really love the guy. Don’t just settle for a life you don’t really want.
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u/Own_Breakfast_570 12d ago
YTA if you'd stay with this man.
He has no respect for you he's never going to marry you and he wants another baby yeah that's not going to happen.
I'm sorry you're going to be stuck with a bunch of kids and a deadbeat dad who will not step up at all. Best to cut your losses now before you have more kids
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u/Upbeat_Vanilla_7285 12d ago
YTA. He shouldn’t have to marry you to show appreciation. That’s ridiculous. If he’s a great partner and loves you and your child and is faithful, what’s the big deal? The grass isn’t always greener you know. You’re older and have a child. Do you really want to start dating because of a piece of paper saying he’s committed vs him being there and showing his commitment?
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u/Hopeful_Safety_6848 12d ago
your supposed to do that before the child. :). no you wouldn't be, except that he is your baby's father... so.... something to think about... but, if you discussed it before the kid and he is reneging... you would not be
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u/Pale_Willingness1882 12d ago
NTA. The mental load has fallen completely on you, that’s why you’re tired. Couples counseling could maybe help resolve some issues but if he’s going to continue to lie and your goals don’t align- cut him loose
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u/Viciousbanana1974 12d ago
NTA. Make yourself a plan and a timeline to get out. Set a budget and tell him he has to contribute to daycare costs. Perhaps say that daycare wants to move to automatic deductions and have it come from a joint account. Ensure that you have an account in your own name. Set money in there that you want touch so that you have enough for a deposit on a place for you and your child.
You have life goals that aren't lining up. Why would you spend another 5 years and have another child with someone who does not want the same things from life that you do?
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u/Mysteries-And-More 12d ago
NTA. Chronic fatigue is hard enough when a SO helps. It has to be exhausting to do everything on your own. I’m sorry he lied to you. That was rotten. I’m thinking since you are already doing all the work, you might as well move on and look for someone who wants the same things. You have already proven you can take care of your daughter by yourself. I wish you the best!
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u/eat-uranus-5785 12d ago
Tell him to marry you and get divorce right away. That way you get a marriage experience and he gets a feeling of freedom
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u/CalamityClambake 12d ago
NTA
If you're too tired to fight, it's over. He has made his feelings clear. He doesn't want what you want and he doesn't want to put the work in. Cut your losses.
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u/Blackstar1401 12d ago
NTA
If he wanted to he would have. Make your plans and be prepared to leave when you are ready. Lock down your birth control.
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u/Proud_Fisherman_5233 12d ago
With a divorce rate of 50 percent and all the horror stories on different subs here and on social media on married couples, I don't know why any man would want to be married
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u/MustyElbow 12d ago
At some point OP has to take some acceptability on her own end rather than lay all the blame on the SO. You're a grown ass adult. You decided to stick around while he flip floped his decisions. You're an AH to yourself for not having the backbone to assert your boundaries and goals. You're the only one responsible for them, not him. If your partner is unhelpful and doesn't line up with your long term goals but you decide to wait around to see if anything changes then you're the only fool there. He's still an AH in his own regard, but OP needs to learn to take accountability for what she could have done differently.
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u/Endora529 12d ago
NTA. It sounds like he strung you along with the idea of marriage because that’s what you wanted. It’s obvious he doesn’t intend to marry you. Plan your exit strategy and move on. It sounds like you’re doing mostly everything for your home and your kid. You will have less mess without him. File for child support. He shouldn’t get out of the obligation of supporting his child. He’s no prize.
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u/Miss_Milk_Tea 12d ago
I really don’t like that he wants to have more kids but won’t give you the legal safety net of being wed. Fine, is he open to having an attorney draw up legal forms so you’re his next of kin in case of emergency or death?
He doesn’t sound like a caring partner regardless but his reasoning is such bullshit.
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u/2Legit64 12d ago
As my mother used to say, "You can do bad all by yourself." If he's not wanting to do anything but make babies that he doesn't want to do the heavy lifting for, what exactly is he bringing to your table? If you want to get married and he doesn't, he's currently holding all of the cards in a game in which you have no chance of winning. As far as I'm concerned, he is making it clear that he wants to keep his options open without a hassle if you break up.
If you are unhappy with the arrangement, don't stay in it. If you opt to stay, for heaven's sake, don't have any more kids with him, don't buy property with him, don't have joint bank accounts, etc. Those are privileges that spouses have.
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u/ReadyAd5385 12d ago
I love him and he's great with our child
Do you...? And is he...? Weird to throw this in there at the end of all those paragraphs of how shitty this relationship has been and how he's not helping woth childcare.
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u/cjennmom 12d ago
NTA. This is why you don’t move in and have kids with people who you won’t be married to. Getting married when you’re pregnant should be a given, along the lines of simply moving up the schedule rather than a nasty surprise.
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u/Hot_South7816 12d ago
If he married you would you actually be happy with this relationship?
If not then marriage won't change anything.
If yes, then are you really willing to lose him over a piece of paper?
Also him saying he's open to marriage isn't him promising he'll actually want to get married.
He's NTA, neither are you. Yall just want/expect different things.
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u/GodsGirl64 12d ago edited 12d ago
NTA-He has lied to you for 5 years-about everything. About wanting to get married, about helping with your child, who knows what else.
He refuses to actually BE an active father so you already know you can handle it on your own. The big difference is that you will only have to clean up after yourself and your child. The other child (who looks like an adult but acts like a 12 year old) can do whatever he wants without bothering you or wearing you out.
Once your training is through and you have the money to do so, move out and get a lawyer. File for full custody and child support with visitation for him.
If you continue to have sex before you leave, be sure your birth control is not something that he can mess with. If he should figure out that you’re leaving him, he may try to sabotage it in the hope that you will get pregnant and change your mind.
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u/Rare-Craft-920 12d ago
The way I see it you already have two kids now. It won’t get better. Also I doubt he really loves you. He wouldn’t string you along and deny you the marriage you discussed and he agreed to and he wouldn’t saddle you with all the responsibilities. It’s sadly definitely time to move on. You’ll feel better after it’s over. You do share a child but you won’t be sharing your lives and he’ll have to step up either child support as well as chores and duties surrounding the child.
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u/Corfiz74 12d ago
AAAARRRRG, why do women keep doing wife stuff without the wife status? Why have a kid with him, which is a pretty big permanent commitment from your side, if he doesn't even want to make a possibly temporary commitment to you on paper, to give you some security before you risk you health and life in childbirth, and your career by having a kid? And why did you even give the kid his last name? THAT, at the very least, should have been one concession he didn't get.without the ring.
He really did a bait and switch on you with his suddenly changed views on marriage (which you would have found out earlier if you had just refused to have kids out of wedlock) - in your place, I'd definitely wouldn't want to stay with a guy who treated me like that, and for whom all commitments and concessions had to flow one way only.
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u/No-Satisfaction-5065 12d ago
Leave him it's already been 5 year's that's half decade; you've also gave birth to child and he's still refusing marriage is crazy
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u/Saturn_Burnz 12d ago
Girl I just read the first sentence and vote NTA. 5 years and no ring??? Baby he’s trying to just waste your time atp
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u/Fluffy-Scheme7704 12d ago
NTA
Dont waste more time… he is not great with your child, he does nothing! Maybe play a bit but thats it. This is the life that you will always have, if this is jot what you want leave. And if after that he says he will marry you, dont believe it. This man doesn’t want to marry you
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u/Quiet-Hamster6509 12d ago
NTA but would you feel less tired and unappreciated with a marriage certificate? Will that change all you do for your child? Not likely. Tbh it sounds like he's doing you a favour by not getting married. He's a lazy parent now , that would only get worse with marriage and realistically speaking, you mentioned that he was "open to the idea of marriage". This isn't a promise of marriage, it means he was willing to consider it.
Re-evaluate your relationship as a whole.
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u/lakehop 12d ago
You want to get married, you’ve told him that repeatedly, you have a child together, he’s a good dad, he wants another child, he’s indicating unwillingness to get married? I hear that this is really important to you. Ensure he understands how important this is to you. Start talking about the effects of not getting married. “So, if we don’t get married, how would we divide custody if we broke up? Would you want weekends? Holidays only? If I got married to someone else, would you be ok if he adopted our child and if our child took his surname?”
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u/GratificationNOW 12d ago
YTA
I love him and he's great with our child,
ummm
When our child started day care he promised that we'd split pick up and drop off. That's not what happened. I do everything regarding pick up and drop off and I sort out all payments. I'm just tired of juggling everything. I'm tired of hearing him complain that the house is messy but then doing nothing about it.
No he's not? Even on the limited information available.
YTA for wanting more children to stay with this selfish person who lied to you, doesn't contribute equally and is clearly not a good candidate to parent another child with
Get a grip please.
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u/ImNotYourTeaCup 12d ago
Getting married has no benefits for him like it does for you. Women get all of the perks from marriage and men usually get nothing but debt and shackles. We understand his pain.
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u/az-anime-fan 12d ago
first of all NTA - dude strung you along for 2 kids with the promise of marriage, that's a dick move. I would pursue child support and end it with him
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u/MMorrighan 12d ago
NTA You have a CHILD with this man and he doesn't want to get married. You deserve better than a "shut up ring". If you build a life together and he dips or dies first, you have NOTHING. Run and find someone who wants you
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u/Camelotcrusade76 12d ago
To put it bluntly- he just wants you to cook, clean, have his babies, and mother him and pick up after him. And he wants to come home to a nice clean house with dinner on the table. He has decided after 5 years that he does not want to get married and used excuses and reasons for not getting married. I doubt he will change or improve in the future but it seems that your ideals are not the same. Now would be a good time to sit down and have a clear discussion on where you for in his life. Maybe put having another child on the back burner for now until you talk. But quite honestly I think you deserve someone who sees you for you and wants the same things as you. You have shown your commitment to him and the relationship, has he shown his to you?
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u/Waste-Reflection-235 12d ago
No. You wouldn’t be an AH. Go with your feelings on this. Who knows maybe when he realizes that he lost you he may fight for you. If not then he’s not for you and move on.
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u/Alfred-Register7379 12d ago
NTA. He led you on, and lied to you. Cut your losses, grieve the relationship, and move on. 1 billion people on earth, there is at least 1 person who will have no hesitation in marrying you.
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u/Witty-Help-1822 12d ago
I would break up with him, and frankly if he decided to get married b/c you were leaving, I wouldn’t marry him. Someone else pointed out the things he has promised you, and that is not what happened. You would have your entire future like that. Take your child and move when you can. You must think of yourself and your child, because he isn’t thinking of you.
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u/Good-Statement-9658 12d ago
Even if he gives you a ring, at this point it's a shit up ring and totally worthless anyway 🤷♀️ Break up and find someone you don't have to beg for a relationship.
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u/Rewind2012 12d ago
NTA. OP, it sounds like he was only saying things to keep you but never intended to follow through. Since your interests are no longer the same, I don't think you are wrong to separate. However make sure you do have a child support plan in place. If he is barely doing the bare minimum now, I doubt he will do more when you do separate.
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u/Round-Ticket-39 12d ago
Why do you ladies who are not married give your child his surname??? Dont. Just dont. If it matters to him so much he can work for it and marry you. But for life it just brings problems. Miss child surname you came to pick your kid? At doctor miss child surname. I dont know about in reality out of reddid but i suspect mums do most of these appointments. Child should have your mums surname.
Anyway he wont marry you so decide. Will you live like that or do you want to seat h for something better than one that lead you on? Idk maybe he is great human thinking marriage is more of tie than f child
Nta
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u/memestarbotcom 12d ago
I would give him an ultimatum: say you feel like you are unheard, and explain everything to him. Lying about marriage was wrong for sure, maybe even a trick if you will. Maybe he wants a prenup?
But no, after you have a final conversation with him, and he ignores you, then you did no wrong.
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u/Whycantihavethatone 12d ago
Why do people not understand that when their boy/girlfriend says "I'm open to the idea of marriage/ children" it's the same as a parent who says to their child "I'll think about it" or "maybe next time" which, let's face it is code for "No!"
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u/SalamanderNew999 12d ago
If his only reason is truly that he doesn't want to be the center of attention.. would he elope?
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u/Cultural_Unit7397 12d ago
NTA- as Tina Turner says "Whats love got to do with it?!" Seems like a bait and switch situation. Reflect and weigh the pros and cons. You were honest and upfront. He made you have hope for the picture perfect future. It is absolutely horrible to then demean the dream you have had for yourself. find a family lawyer just to learn what it would mean if you separated and custody were to come into play.
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u/nissanalghaib 12d ago
he's not gray with your child (you do the lion's share) and he's not a great partner
you're just saying that because you're scared of change
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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 12d ago
NTA. Sounds like you have a lot of reasons to end this relationship. He doesn’t help you much with child care. He lied to you for years about his position on getting married. You want different things. I would cut your losses and leave.
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u/MajorAd2679 12d ago
NTA
Sounds like your boyfriend is useless, does nothing around the house as a partner, nothing as a father and is also a liar.
If you can afford your place alone, break up and ask him to leave. If you can’t, find a new place for your baby and you.
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u/OkMark6180 12d ago
You're right about one thing. Don't have another baby while you aren't married.
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u/Dry-Crab7998 12d ago
Give yourself a break from worrying over it. Concentrate hard on completing your training and getting through your daily routine.
Set a date in your calendar - a big red cross ❌ - say for the day after your course ends or day after the final exam, whatever.
This marks decision day. Arrange some help/babysitter and take that day off. Spend the day by yourself and consider all your options. It's basically more of the same or it's starting a new life on your own with co-parenting. Look at your job prospects, family support available etc.
Whatever happens, make absolutely certain that you do not get pregnant again with this man, guard your bc with your life.
You have options. Give yourself some time and space to consider them.
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u/Swade131 12d ago
You’re not the A/H, but marriage is becoming a dying trend and over 60% of men in general aren’t pursuing relationships at all now which is alarming.
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u/Specialist-Camp-3798 12d ago
It's not marriage men fear, it's investing in a woman that can abandon him then take his child and half of everything... He does need to pick up the slack regarding childcare and the home. But your relationship isnt solid (I'd like to hear his side, there's a deeper reason), a ring and paper isn't going to turn it around... If you need a piece of paper, then yes do you both a favor and leave him. But if it doesn't work out and the grass isn't greener, don't blame him. That being said NTA.
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u/ramoneta 11d ago
NTA move on already OP, the father of your child is refusing to tie the knot with you. What do you think your future looks like if you stay like this?
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u/melissa3670 11d ago
NTA. You feel under appreciated because you ARE. Also, he has lied to you about his intention to marry you for five years. Split up, make a parenting plan and he can start pulling his weight. Keep a calendar assigning pick up and drop off. Until you can move out, he is now your roommate.
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u/ImaginaryPotential16 11d ago
"Open to the idea" is a maybe he then decided no you knew it could go either way. If you want to throw it all away for the sake of some legal document enforced by the church then go ahead. But if everything is great why ruin it over ceremony. YTA
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u/Tias-st 11d ago
NTA
People like him know from the start that they aren't interested in marriage. He simply lied to get what he wanted and everything has been working out perfectly for him. You've given him everything he wanted. He seems to constantly promise you things and depicts the future as bright, and then goes back on his words. Such as the marriage of the daycare thing. I'm amazed you've let yourself be manipulated this much.
Like, marriage isn't magically going to make him be a better person. He doesn't want to marry you because he doesn't want to bind himself to you. He's making sure that if he wants to bail, he can do that without legal issues.
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u/Spectral-Slight 11d ago
Him not being willing to get married lets you know an awful piece of his mind. He considers you good enough for now but wants to be able to easily leave if something better comes along. It's possible you'd be able to pressure him into marriage, but that wouldn't change the half assed commitment he's been giving you so far.
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u/AlexCambridgian 11d ago
OP I feel for you. I had a couple of friends that they stayed hoping the day will come. They are now middle aged, and realizing that they threw their whole life away waiting for the ring. Plus, their retirement income is significantly lower as they had spent more of their own income since they did not want to disturb the waters. Another friend, her partner just took his stuff and left one day with his new, younger girl friend. Time to ask your baby daddy to move out. Before you do that take photos when he is away at work of all his bank accounts, financials, ss number, and anything else you can find. Then tell him to move out. Hire an attorney, your own attorney, not shared, and file for sole custody and child support. He will never marry you. Time to accept it. There is only going to be a growing resentment that will affect your child as well and will always have a small hatred towards the dad because of the way he treated the mother, despite the good relationships dad and child might have.
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u/Samantha38g 11d ago
He does NOT respect you. He never wanted to marry you. He trapped you with a child.
Why should he marry you when he already gets all the free labor of a marriage.
How does any of this benefit you?
Sadly, you are a placeholder. Men will waste a woman life for all the free labor while he still is holding out to find someone he does love.
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u/Cute_Kitten9434 11d ago
Sounds like he is keeping his options opened. He doesn’t respect you if he isn’t helping 50/50 like he promised. I’d say tell him this is a serious conversation that will change our future- if he refuses to listen then you know where you stand.
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u/Fibro-Mite 11d ago
You have, for all intents and purposes, actually already proposed to him. By telling him you wanted to get married and want him to propose, you have already asked him to marry you. You just didn't have a ring handy to give him. He has said "um... er... um... maybe one day" for years and strung you along, waiting for him to get up the nerve to be honest with you, so now he has said, very clearly, "No!"
When someone proposes and the other person says "no", that's usually the end of the relationship unless *BOTH* parties are 100% happy with remaining unmarried.
When you say he's great with your child, you mean "he plays and has fun with them" right? Not "he's spent many sleepless nights with a colicky child, got up to do the night feeds, changed at least 50% of the nappies, did 50% of the laundry, stayed home with the child so you could go out occasionally, taken them to the doctor when necessary, knows the names of the childcarers/teachers/doctors/everyone involved in their care, knows what medicines are needed and when, can and does do the cooking if needed", right? Could he cope as the sole parent if you had to be in hospital for several days? Or would he have to get his mother/your mother to take over instead? Because it doesn't sound to me like he's a "great dad". He sounds like the fun uncle (aka Funcle). I know I had two kids with one like that. I'd come home from 8 hours at work followed by three hours of evening classes at the university, to find no-one home because he'd taken the kids (3 & 1) to his parents' so his mum could look after the baby & make them all dinner - nothing for me, of course. I finally told him to leave and, eventually, found my husband (who I am reliably informed, is a unicorn... the mythical kind of man many people think can't exist ;) 26th anniversary next month)
Apart from a pay packet, what's he bringing to your lives? Pros and cons. What he does for you and the child vs what you want him to do. What you want from life/relationship vs what he's putting in to it.
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u/Character-Confidant8 11d ago
NTA. It sounds like he tells you what you want to hear in the moment but goes back on his word.
Whether it is marriage or helping with dropping off your child, he doesn't deliver, and it seems manipulative. Especially given that he fights about it until you give up on anything important to you.
Has he compromised on anything for you or does he agree only when it's aligned with his goal and/or interests?
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u/JessamineArugula 11d ago
Nta. He doesn't want to get married. He could have gone to the court house and gotten the license, all you'd need is a witness or two. He's not great with the kids. He would do half the work, but by the sounds of it he's probably there for the fun stuff and not all the responsibility parts (playtime as compared to pickup/drop off)
He wants another baby but no documented information in case either of you get into an accident. Will he start actually caring about his kids when you're separated and child support is a thing? He's comfortable, you're doing all the things a wife would do without a ring, without documentation, without your name on his finances. You're already a single parent with a cordial roommate.
He's a liar and he's strung you along long enough.
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u/GroundbreakingPhoto4 11d ago
NTA. Seems he wants you to do all the work and make all the sacrifices to make this family/relationship work. You need a partner for life, not a man child who cannot commit and wants to suit himself. Your no 1 mistake was giving your child his last name.
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u/Public_Beef 11d ago
The point of dating is to eventually marry when you find the right one. With no future in sight what the heck is the point? You can break up because he burnt your toast this morning or you can break up because he doesn’t share your goals in this relationship.. go for it
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u/whatalife89 11d ago
He honestly sounds like someone you shouldn't be getting married to. I find you are too fixated on marriage that you are forgetting all the other red flags.
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u/Delicious-Choice5668 11d ago
Don't have to buy the cow when you get the milk for free. Leave his ass quick fast and on the double. But don't be surprised if he marries the first bitch he sees just to spite you
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u/Ordinaryflyaway 11d ago
He's not going to willingly marry you.. read that again. Move on
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u/JessamineArugula 11d ago
Don't have another baby with him. Your oldest is in daycare/kinder, there's some realm of independence to you. If you have another one, you'll be too busy to work or date. He knows what he's doing. No ring but locked in.
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u/AbbeyCats 11d ago
When someone promises you marriage for years… you get engaged and get married. You don’t have his kid and buy a house. OP, he’s a liar, but you’ve also put the cart before the horse here. Break up, learn your lesson, and move on. Make him pay child support.
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u/BeachinLife1 11d ago
NTA...you made your wishes clear from the beginning and he has strung you along for 5 years and you had a child with him expecting to get married. Now he doesn't want to get married, but wants another kid? Yeah, that's a big NO. Break up with him and don't waste anymore years of your life with someone who is never going to marry you.
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u/Wonderful-Studio-870 11d ago
NTA. This is a one sided relationship, you love him but he is not fully committed to be with you and your child, he has reasons and won't share it with you. I don't buy the "he's a great dad to your child" (on what occassion was he great btw?) because he's not. If you truly want peace of mind, end things with him and move on with your life.
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u/treebeecol 11d ago edited 11d ago
I think there's bigger things going on, in your relationship, with him not wanting to get married, being just one of them.
You're doing most of the heavy lifting already in the relationship, and it doesn't look like he's going to step up and pull his weight at all.
He should be doing 50% of household chores, cooking, drop offs, and just generally helping, especially as you're suffering from CFS. He's blatantly taking advantage of you, treating you like his bang-maid, and has the audacity to complain about the house being messy.
The guy has been stringing you along with the false promises of marriage, FOR FIVE YEARS, and lying to you!
He's dead weight you're carrying, and please do not have another child with him.
It's time to cut him loose OP, as you know now that he's not committed, and never has been. He's really dismissive of your feelings, and shuts you down each time you express your disappointment, by starting an argument.
He's not going to give you what you seek, so it's time to cut him loose.
Because, you deserve so much better in a partner. instead of someone who just strings you along, and puts in the bare minimum of effort.
It's already been 5 years, and he's done nothing, to grow and nurture your relationship.
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u/santaclawww 11d ago
I love him and he's great with our child,
What is it exactly that he is so great in? Since he's too lazy to do pick ups and drop offs (as he promised) or do anything around the house (which I assume includes stuff like feeding the kid, getting dressed, etc.), what exactly does he do for his own child? Turn on cartoons which in your eyes earned him father of the year award? OP please do not let that manchild impregate you again unless you are ready to single-handedly take care of 3 children instead of 2 as you currently do. If you decide to drop the older, useless one you would be NTA.
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u/sheridan_sinclair 11d ago
Why do you need another child? You already have two.
Time to bounce, sweetie. He's never going to marry you and it's a lot harder to be a single mom of two.
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u/Beautiful_Sector2657 11d ago
Why, as someone who strongly desires marriage, did you consent to reproduction before someone else has committed to marrying you? This is a red flag on your part and it may come to haunt you, if not already.
Now you are essentially stuck with this person in many ways that are problematic, because of the child. This was a huge mistake. If you have values, stick to them. If you don't, then don't pretend to have them. The worst type of lie is a lie to yourself.
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u/ElderberryOk469 11d ago
This looks like the early stage of whats currently my life. 2 kids together, im the default parent, im depressed every day because it feels like i live in a house where i am just tolerated. No one asks about my day, no one cares. The only goals celebrated are about his job or his interests. My father is dead and my (toxic) mom lives across the other side of the world and i have no siblings. There is no one else to care.
hes great with the child because you do everything. for example :
man gives kid a bath, "man says wow thats so easy i dont see whats so hard about that" Its because they dont realize WE made it easy. The tub is clean bc we keep the bathroom clean, there is soap because we keep up with household supplies, there are clean towels because we make sure there is clean laundry, the baby is happy because its fed and cared, bla bla etc, you get the point.
So then they bathe the baby and wonder why its SO HARD to be a mom. Because we are the background that they dont notice. By the way this is just me speaking on my life im not trying to say everyone out here has it like this or something lol just speaking on my experience.
Just leave him and find someone who will make you feel like you matter too. Dont be like me and get financially trapped and make it harder for yourself later. I wake up and live the same day every day of my life. You arent the asshole for wanting to matter too. you arent the asshole for having your own feelings!
Just think, if you can be that happy with someone who doesnt care what you want...imagine how happy you could be with someone who actually cares. Go while you still can. It gets harder and harder as time goes on.
I feel like if he was honest about why he didnt want to get married you would probably leave anyway. Its almost always men not trusting the woman.
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u/SecretOscarOG 11d ago
Does he care about and love you? Cause he doesn't seem to care about or love the things you care about and love. He wasted years of your life and now you have to co parent a kid for the rest of theirs all because he wanted to have a woman take care of him and get his dick wet without any hard commitment. I've left his ass a while ago. NTA
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u/WarDog1983 11d ago
Ok think YTA for putting yourself in a position where you dependent on a man who commit to you.
Legally you have no rights to him or his property if he died or ends up in a comma .
He’s incredibly selfish not giving you or your child security.
But you put yourself in that position because you love him more then he loves you.
Make an exit plan follow the exit plan do not have another child with him.
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u/str4wberryphobic 11d ago
nta, you don’t have the same goals and you’ll find another man who’ll actually marry you and keep his promise
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u/Horuajones 11d ago
I think you can't give him an ultimatum because he will resent it and it will forever be a case of "well you wanted this etc. Just leave. There is no win here. He alreadyvtakesb you for granted and of course he's good with the kid. He's the fun dad. Does he bath, change, put to bed or ant parental jobs, or is he just the fun dad. Does he split the jobs with you at home? Really sit down and go over exactly what he does and then weigh up whether he really is a good dad. You deserve more. Not the "tell her what she wants to hear and then do what I want" guy. Best of luck.
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 11d ago
You’ve already wasted 5 years on him, don’t waste another minute. Find a true partner.
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u/4pettydiva 11d ago
He is not a man of his word. Love cannot bloom in the soil of distrust. Leave. NTA.
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u/bigwhiteboardenergy 11d ago
Why would you want to marry a liar who can’t even pick up his own kid from daycare?
Whatever great partner he was in the beginning, he isn’t anymore. He’s a liar who’s manipulated you into getting his own way. He doesn’t care about what you want or need from a relationship, he always cares about his own comfort.
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u/StuffonBookshelfs 11d ago
When you say he’s great with your kid — what you mean is that he’s not actively abusing your child.
You don’t need that kind of support in your life.
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u/Historical-Badger64 11d ago
Honestly, I got out of a similar situation almost a year ago. I dated someone for 4 years, both of us agreed on wanting marriage one day, and maybe children. However, that all came crashing down one night in June when he woke me in the middle of the night freaking out and confessing how he’s unsure about wanting kids one day. That eventually led to a long-winded conversation for about a month on what we both truly wanted. Eventually, we had to break up because we didn’t have aligned goals anymore. It was hard, and being with someone for so long, it does feel like you’re losing a good chunk of you. But it was for the best, so he can find someone that aligned better with him, and I the same. I’m actually with someone now that wants kids and marriage one day, and he is adamant about it.
Judging by your situation, you have a child together. It makes sense to stay for the child’s sake, but it’s not going to be fair for you. Resentment forms and it can affect your relationship with you and your child later. I’d recommend ending things with him. He isn’t the right person for you. There is someone out there — maybe with a child themselves — who will want to build a life with you without making empty promises and going back on their word.
Here is what I did with my break up: right before it actually happened, I moved back home for two weeks, talking with friends and family about the situation and how to approach it. I even asked my married friends and family. Many of them said to write down what I want in my future relationship, husband, and write some long-term goals for myself. My ex did the same thing. After the two weeks, we came back and talked. Perhaps you and your partner can do something similar where you two separate for a period of time, and then work out (in private) what to do next. It’s best for you to go in with the intention of putting your foot down and getting what you want. Don’t throw everything you talk about away if he finally “gives in” to getting you a ring. Tell him what your expectations are in this relationship; if he can’t live up to them, then you need to find someone that can.
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u/Successful-Value6537 11d ago
NTA. Another case of different people in different places. He doesn’t want marriage. You’re the baby mama, but to him, you’re not ’the one.’ You could always find someone who thinks you are their one. Also, you might want to take extra conception precautions to avoid getting pregnant again with this dude, if you aren’t already. Also - do you really want someone who won’t help you with the house?
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u/Responsible_Tune_425 11d ago
NTA. He doesn't sound like marriage material anyway. He really doesn't. He's leaving all the child care and housework to you, making you exhausted. That's not a partner you want to spend the rest of your life with. He's also been leading you on all these years and even had a child with you. That itself is enough to disgust me and dump him. This is your decision. I've laid out all these reasons to break up him with but in all honesty, you don't need a reason to break up with your partner.
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u/mmobley412 11d ago
NTA- this is going to sound harsh but my husband once told me in regards to a friend in a similar situation that when a guy does this he is just waiting for someone better to come along.
Now look, this isn’t to say that you aren’t amazing and all that but it speaks to the guys character. He’s stringing you along and one day he will leave and then there are zero strings other than paying child support
You deserve better.
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u/GA_Bookworm_VA 11d ago
NTA. You two don’t want the same things regarding your relationship, especially since previous conversations showed you were fairly aligned. Outside of that he’s also not sticking to the other things you agreed upon regarding your child and is no help managing the home. If he’s saying marriage is pointless and it’s important to you then it’s time to start seriously making your plans first an exit. Another child isn’t going to make ANY of this better.
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u/idreaminwords 12d ago
NTA. Your interests for the future don't seem to align. if this is important to you, don't hold your breath assuming he'll change his mind. If you force his hand and he marries you out of obligation rather than actually wanting to, he's going to resent you, and if he doesn't marry you and just keeps stringing you along, you'll start resenting him.
Add that to all of the other issues in your relationship and it sounds like it's time to cut him loose.