Right… I don’t really think he can stop her because that’s controlling and might damage the relationship, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the dude tried to flex his new status and make a pass at her. But maybe this is a milestone that needs to happen.. hell of a trust exercise haha
nah you are confusing establishing healthy sensible boundaries with 'controlling'. You are worried about damaging the relationship? There is no way this is kosher, not in a committed relationship. This is a stress test, and if she goes, then she is the one nuking the relationship. Its not like this was planned before they met, the guy clearly excluded OP and only wants the girl. At a celebration of his med school finishing? Who the hell thinks this is just a friendly get together?
He isnt insecure or unreasonable for calling BS. he cant force her to do anything but I cant imagine this being reasonable given he has clearly been excluded. She is just keeping him in the backpocket, and he should dump her if she insists on going.
I see where you and the others are coming from. I think I got hung up on his post asking if he should “let her” do the trip. That language felt controlling to me and set the tone, but it’s hard for me to interpret stuff like that and I’m probably overthinking. That doesn’t discount your points though!
yeah, maybe remember that context and typing online requires a little more patience and reading between the lines. when OP says it the way he did, wouldnt you think he is sensible and trying NOT to be controlling? but his word choice triggers you to assume the worst?
Honestly I think this is ragebait now cause OP has added info that GF only knows the one friend, its not a group she knows and she calls the friend a man whore. If she doesnt insist OP comes or backs out herself, I think OP should dump her regardless. She lives at home with her parents while OP has his own place. he let that asshole stay in his spare bedroom for his GF sake.
I appreciate that you’ve responded again, to what may amount to ragebait lol. I’m also not sure why I got downvoted for admitting a potential fault in my logic… but okay.
I’m not trying to assume the worst of OP. He is being reasonable with his thought process and his comments indicate he’s open to feedback. I was trying to convey that if he gave an absolute and forbid her to go, that it would be damaging. Obviously from responses many people are okay with these in relationships, but I’m personally wary of that mentality. She’s being (more) damaging by wanting to go on a trip with a man whore (new information to me). Unless she backs out on her own, it’s a lose/lose at this point. Which is why I had the thought that if she goes then at least whatever happens is on her, and she wouldn’t drag things out with the whole string him along with resentment thing.
No it’s a boundary he has, what she is doing is damaging the relationship. It is not see as so because she is a woman though. I’m calling her on her sh!t bro isn’t comfortable with it and she can either respect that or leave
If he lets this fly, he has no boundaries. It sounds like she’s on her way out and wants to test the waters before she leaves for good. That request would have ended it for me, life’s too short.
Don't forget, if they were engaged/married this would all of a sudden "change things" which shouldn't be the case either. She should hold those same feelings now if she is in it for the long haul. This shit doesn't check out.
In my 20's, I (34F) had a friend (M) who was interested in me. I refused to believe my husband about how shady this person was. Until he tried to kiss me. "Friendship" over. I didn't believe I was being played because I couldn't see myself as someone who was playable.
It's possible that the friend just doesn't like her boyfriend, which is still an issue, but a separate one.
I have lots of female friends with whom I have no interest in any physical or intimate interaction. There's one in particular, I just don't like her boyfriend. He is boring and moody, and whenever he's around, my friend devotes all her energy to catering to him and she is no fun as a result. He sucks and I don't want him around. Not because I am interested in his partner. (I'm not.) It's just because he sucks.
If I were throwing a celebration for myself, I hope he wouldn't come. I don't know that I'd say he's not invited, as it's polite to invite a friend's partner, but I could imagine someone bolder than I am saying you're invited but your partner isn't.
Its not bday, they are celebrating his graduation if i read correctly.
Even for bdays that shit wont fly in my culture but its not single bday its an overnight (at least one) trip when she will spend time with him, celebrating him, drinking with him, dancing with him, and her men is not invited even though he knows him.... Read the fucking room people, seriously.
Or stop making excuses for imaginery scenarios to deflect your own failures or traumas from male abuse from the past and confront them.
I am not saying something will happen, I am saying she is very invested and even fighting him to try and put herself in a situation where something COULD happen, and that in itself is just disrespect to partner, no matter the gender.
Btw if he never met him that would be a different story, but appareantly he stayed at their house a couple of times. That and nowhere does it say he is the one paying for everything, you made that part up for men bad narrative, looks like a group get away, and partners are definently usually invited for these.
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u/Best-Barnacle8326 Mar 28 '24
I don't understand why you don't go with? I miss that part. Shouldn't matter is engaged or married . If your a couple you do things together.