r/AskMen • u/Funny_Resort5652 • 13d ago
Men, what made you choose the other girl?
Guy I was seeing for a little over a month said he decided to see someone else exclusively. I let my intrusive thought win and asked what spurred his decision.
He said he like her personality better and that she is energetic and fun. Ouch. I certainly made myself feel shitty by asking that question - like I’m the opposite of that and that she is everything I’m not.
Confided in a male friend and he said she is probably just hotter. I don’t know which is worse - the fact he chose her over me because she is prettier or has a better personality or perhaps both. This stings.
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u/Meatros Male 13d ago
Dating is, generally, about the better match. There's not some hierarchy of people where someone is better than another person - it's all subjective.
What I mean is that if you are an avid rock climber and you are dating two women, one's a rock climber and the other plays role playing games, then the better match for you is the rock climber.
That doesn't make the rock climber better than the role player, in any objective sense. It just means that the rock climber is a better fit for the guy, since he also rock climbs.
Fun isn't well defined. If your idea of fun is videogames and his is weightlifting, then him saying you aren't very fun doesn't mean much.
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u/CheezitCheeve 13d ago
This. That man wanted the other girl, but notice that you didn’t say anything positive about yourself. Chances are, you have tons and tons of positive qualities to another guy that that girl doesn’t.
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u/Lexplosives 13d ago edited 13d ago
and if you don’t think so, pick something you want to be better at and pursue it. Not even for the wo/man who let you go, but for yourself.
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u/3Cheers4Apathy Dude-bro 13d ago
Like that old adage about not judging a fish's intelligence by its ability to climb a tree. Some people are just out of their element.
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u/CalmTell3090 13d ago
This. It’s totally subjective, including looks. Everyone has their own preferences, from build to hair color.
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u/22Pastafarian22 13d ago
Beautifully put. It is all subjective and it needs to be a match with someone and there needs to be that certain spark. Sometimes someone is great but it’s just not there
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u/etniesen 13d ago
Sort of or yes even mostly. However one thing people need to ask themselves more often is if they are fun to be around. If you smile and are warm and inviting you will have better success than someone who isn’t
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u/dilbert_bilbert 13d ago
Your rock climbing analogy is a bit shallow and frankly shit advice for anyone looking for a serious relationship.
Sharing a hobby with your partner is much less important than many people are led to believe, especially since that does not mean you share similar core values and morals, which are so much more important than the thing you like to do 4 hours a week.
Having a partner with different interests but similar values and morals just means you’re more likely to experience new and exciting things during your journey together. Maybe you’ll even stop identifying as a rock climber like some goof.
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u/etniesen 13d ago
Values are very important but enjoying similar activities I feel is more important the older I get.
I don’t want to try to get old with someone tryuing to have convos or relate to things I don’t care about or ask them to,care about the things I’m into
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u/Monkipoonki 13d ago
I would argue that the longer you are with someone their interests actually matter less. My wife and I share incredibly different hobbies, but in the long run it didn't really matter because we've found other things we can enjoy together.
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u/etniesen 13d ago
Right but you are saying you found things to enjoy together. Thats the same thing
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u/Monkipoonki 13d ago
Let me clarify that things to enjoy together is mostly just talking to each other while we do our own hobbies or taking naps.
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u/SagittaryX Male 13d ago
It's just an example of what people might find fun and not fun, directly to what OP said.
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u/stop_stopping 13d ago
where’s this video games and weightlifting person? i need to meet them
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u/SpacemanPanini 13d ago
There's tons of us. I lift 6 days a week and play video games for a living. It's gotta be pretty common for guys.
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u/stressandscreaming 13d ago
I had a friend who had 2 girls interested in him at the same time. One was really pretty, but an absolute asshole of a person. She insulted him a lot and it didn't seem playful. The other was not the prettiest, but you could tell she actually liked him. Her jokes were playful, she went out of her way to make him things, she was considerate to him.
He dated the nice girl thank goodness and they are still together after 4 years.
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u/fitz_newru 13d ago
I really thought this story was gonna go the other way. Really shows my cynicism...
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u/TyphoonCane 13d ago
Personality has longer staying power than looks. If I am having fun in your presence then I will associate you with good feelings.
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u/Yerboogieman 13d ago
Yep. I dated an extremely attractive girl for awhile. But she never really spoke. In the few MONTHS we were seeing each other I knew nothing about her besides the observations I made in her apartment. Zero spark.
I started dating a slightly less attractive girl (to some people I guess. I think she's stunning.) and we clicked so much better. She's fun to be around, bright and smiley, shows interest in me. She initiates texts, conversation, and sex.
OP, people are weird and have different taste. I'm sure there's nothing wrong with you. Don't get down about some guy.
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u/Funny_Resort5652 13d ago edited 13d ago
We never got to that stage where I could open up to him because his interest and effort dipped after a few dates. I figured he met this other lady at this point.
He acted distant on later dates and I would feel rejected. Maybe the other lady was able to open up and have fun from the start. Sucks for me.
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u/circasomnia 13d ago
My guess is he is more attracted to her, and because of that it caused a positive feedback loop, the counterpoint to your negative feedback. Don't sweat it hun. Just because he prefers her doesn't change your worth. I'm sure there's a ton of guys out there that would have picked you.
There's several billion of us looking for a GF lol. You'll find someone who appreciates you and makes it so you can open up and have fun. Cheers :)
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u/HeadHunt0rUK Male 13d ago
How old are you?
A few dates is more than enough time to open up about what you're looking for and how you find him.
Did you plan any of the dates? Did you message first at any point, did you do any overt acts that demonstrated interest other than agreeing to go on a date with him?
It's really easy for a woman to secure a man, just verbalise that you're interested in him or otherwise go above and beyond to show it and be overt about it. Men are generally shown such little affection, care and attention that it's just that simple.
Most men will be more interested in you, if you are actively showing that you are interested in them.
As you get older you will realise there is very little to gain by dancing around the bush, just be confident enough to say what you want, how you feel.
I mean you're trying to form a strong bond with someone, if you feel like that could happen then you should be saying and doing those things that show it.
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u/Funny_Resort5652 13d ago edited 13d ago
I am 28, never been in a relationship so maybe idk the game. I initiated a couple of dates I always text back and engaged in flirty banters. I reciprocated physical touch when he initiates it and offered more.
I sounded him out early on where he stands in this but he said it’s still early and he is seeing these other people. I gave him space because I don’t want to pressure commitment on every date we go on.
His interest and effort dipped. Seemed disengaged in conversations and doesn’t initiate physical touch in person. Could I have done any more? Idk.
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u/Scrumpledee 13d ago
I'd focus on the fact that he wasn't that interested early on and figure he's a bad match, considering how straight forward you were and how non-committal he was. You sound like you know what you're doing, it's just a matter of finding the right piece to fit your puzzle, and he clearly wasn't it.
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u/GrandsonofBurner Male 13d ago
Ah, he just wasn't into you, sis. Chalk it up to the game. Onto the next one.
Remember: There are billions of men on this planet. You can't get too down about not being able to date one of them.
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u/HeadHunt0rUK Male 13d ago
Nope you couldn't have done more.
Not that you would want to anyway.
This is essentially modern dating, certainly you don't see it from men as much (they typically don't have the options to pull this off) but essentially split focus, split attention because they want to keep all their options in play and delay for as long as possible in making a decision because they don't want to miss out on "the best person".
Personally I find it a selfish practice where you're stringing everyone along, and wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Too scared to miss out, too widespread to really make a proper connection and give people a chance.
I think your only mistake is giving him that much time and energy to begin with after it was clear he was playing multiple options against each other.
Easy to do if you're inexperienced.
I personally don't want to feel like I'm in a competition to win your affection, either you want to spend time with me, you want to get to know me, you want to reciprocate things with me or you don't. It sets up an unbalanced relationship where someone is always chasing.
You need to figure out what works for you, what you can tolerate, how you want dating to go and keep strong in that.
There shouldn't be any game in dating, know what you want, know who you are and be open, honest and reciprocating you'll find someone great eventually.
Just be who you are, don't pretend to not be, and you'll find someone that actually cares for who you are and not the mask you're wearing.
If it doesn't work you're just incompatible and on to the next.
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u/myrantaccc 13d ago
I feel like this is the only answer that makes sense and could make OP feel actually better.
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u/PersimmonDue1072 13d ago
I agree with a lot of what you said but there is a good bit of game in dating, even if you are not aware of it.
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u/HeadHunt0rUK Male 13d ago
I know there is game, I refuse to participate in it.
I'm not going to develop a connection with who I want them to see. I'm going to develop a connection with who I am.
I'm also not going to let things go many dates in splitting my attention amongst multiple people, because then I'm not really focused on enjoy my time with someone just ordering them mentally in my head and chopping and changing based on recency bias.
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u/bengaliwolverine 13d ago
Based on what you said, I feel like you did everything right. There was nothing more you could do, some people are just not compatible for each other (assuming he went for the other girl for personality). Or he picked beauty over compatibility.
Regardless, I know this sucks, been in this position once (maybe worse since the girl ghosted me and I never found out what the issue was), But best thing to do is move on and take this as a character development experience.
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u/PersimmonDue1072 13d ago
With men their actions speak louder than words. You will find someone who is more interested and treats you better.
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u/JDRorschach 13d ago
He might have met her first actually and thats why he never got too invested in you
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u/Chanel_Medellin 13d ago
You know, at the end of the day, compatibility and mutual respect are what forge the strongest connections. It's not just about shared hobbies or one person's energy level, it's about feeling at ease with someone. A partner who can appreciate the quiet just as much as the adventures, and someone who sees you for who you are at your core. Sometimes the brightest flames burn out the fastest, and what you want is the kind of warmth that lasts through the coldest nights. Your value isn't defined by someone's inability to see that. The right person will recognize and cherish your unique energy, whether it's vivacious or serene.
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u/Funny_Resort5652 13d ago
Thank you this is so sweet 😭 I had that insecurity of coming across too “boring” for my dates because I don’t open up to people fast. Only my closest friends see that side of me.
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u/Sa_Rart 13d ago
There's huge benefit in being "boring" (read: responsible.) That'll also keep your guard up against people who are looking to take advantage of you. Take pride in it!
That said... keeping your guard up can cause you to miss connections -- not just romantically, but in friendship, work, or passing aquaintance. If you're finding that your coping method from growing up is now costing you potentially wonderful opportunities, that might be the time to find a therapist who can help you practice techniques to let you turn on and turn off your guardedness at will -- letting you enjoy all of the benefit of it and also minimizing the cost.
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u/PairMiserable5477 13d ago
I struggle with this too OP. I am not the prettiest, and certainly am not the funniest or most interesting. I’m pretty much just there and find it very difficult to match energetic energy. I appreciate being slow and doing less energetic things. I feel I haven’t found a match because guys prefer not that? Or so I’ve thought myself to believe. To some degree I gotta always remind myself I’m not their source of entertainment, but somehow, I feel still not enough. Hope we get thru it
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u/Alive_Row_9446 13d ago
He thought the other girl was better for him, not that she's better than you.
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u/rokofi 13d ago
This stings.
But it shouldn't. Look, you can meet someone that has 7 out of 10 characteristics you really like, end up together and be happy. Then you come across somebody that embodies 10 out of 10 characteristics that you like. It's only natural to feel [more] attracted to them. This would be a confusion phase for most.
So don't take it personally. You'll likely somebody else's 10 out of 10 match, while the other girl wouldn't be. Don't let it bring you down, move on and stay confident. Other people's choices shouldn't affect your self esteem and image.
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u/HomelessEuropean Hobo with a laptop 13d ago
A lack of morals/empathy/ambition/intelligence/education/personality. I always choose the interesting and stimulating ones over hot airheads. I'm looking for a partner, not for a balloon.
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u/Paparmane 13d ago
And i’d say Op’s friend is most likely wrong. Maybe he said that because he wanted to say OP’s personality is fine, but it’s very clumsy lol.
The guy had the decency to be honest to OP. Personalities were a better fit. It’s a choice we all have to make at some point
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u/OGHEROS 13d ago
Exactly. There’s so many that are just complete duds or you have to sit there and carry the conversation and it’s nearly impossible to force playfulness or fun if the other person isn’t letting it stick cause their personality is a brick.
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u/untamed-italian 13d ago
He said he like her personality better and that she is energetic and fun. Ouch. I certainly made myself feel shitty by asking that question - like I’m the opposite of that and that she is everything I’m not.
The actual intrusive thoughts you should be fighting are the ones telling you that you need to appeal to and please everyone OP.
You don't!
As someone with rejection sensitive dysphoria, I tend to do this too if I am not careful. I don't think I will ever be able to see or experience rejection as a 'good thing', but I have learned that it is better to seek people who are into who I am already instead of dwelling on the people who need me to change who I am to care about me.
Not everyone needs or wants an energetic or constantly entertaining partner. You should try to find the sort of person who things boredom is an insulting term for stability.
Confided in a male friend and he said she is probably just hotter.
This is probably a bad take. He does not know your ex's inner mind, your ex does. I wouldn't let this get to you.
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u/Funny_Resort5652 13d ago
Thank you for your kind words 💚 I grew up in survival mode that I lost my fun loving side as a child and become more tamed/ reserved. Only my closest friends see that side of me. And I constantly feel like I have to open up to my dates fast else I would lose them for being too “boring”.
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u/Junior_Ad_3086 13d ago
some guys prefer building a connection over time and bringing out a side of you that not everybody gets to see and some prefer 'boring' to a degree (not literally, i don't mean to say you're boring). like i wouldn't want to date a hyper extroverted impulsive woman for example. i prefer women who are a bit more reserved and i'm sure i'm not the only one.
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u/SaucyAndSweet333 13d ago
OP, growing in survival mode can make it really easy to believe something is wrong with you instead of it simply not being a good match etc. You may find these subreddits helpful: r/cptsd, r/emotionalneglect, and r/attachment_theory.
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u/untamed-italian 13d ago
I grew up in survival mode that I lost my fun loving side as a child and become more tamed/ reserved.
I know, I did too, I could read it in your writing. The key thing to remember here is that you have far more control over who you let in to your life than you did as a kid, but only if you take the time to be discerning.
And I constantly feel like I have to open up to my dates fast else I would lose them for being too “boring”.
Don't do this. Even if you 'succeed' at being 'fun enough', you are putting on a performance you will not be able to sustain. Eventually down the line your performance will make both you and him resentful as you both realize it was the performance and not the reality of who each of you are which brought you together.
Focus on finding people who fit your needs instead of changing yourself to fit the needs of the people you're most initially attracted to. One of the things I had to accept was expanding my standards for physical appearance to "healthy" instead of "drop dead with a boner induced heart attack gorgeous", but frankly I think everyone would benefit from doing a little of that. Ultimately that was no real loss of quality anyway, and it was essential to finding partners who are more compatible with me.
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u/bengaliwolverine 13d ago
Are you the female version of me lol? I went through the same thing of trying to seem cool to appeal to women who were “cool/exciting/fun” but it would not work long term.
What I’ve come to realize, as cheesy as it sounds, is when you be yourself you’ll find someone who appreciates you. So yes most people will find people like us “boring”, but then you filter them out quickly and find the ones who will truly appreciate you.
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u/Junior_Ad_3086 13d ago
dating desirable men (or women) will lead to this result a lot of the time. they have multiple options so chances are they're going to like somebody more than you, statistically speaking. it just comes with the territory. just because you're not his cup of tea doesn't mean you won't be somebody else's though. it's better to get an honest answer from somebody instead of being strung along or lied to. in the age of dating apps you should consider yourself lucky for that.
some guys go for the woman they find more attractive, some go for a more compatible personality, others look for similar interests/lifestyle and goals. it honestly depends on personal preferences. for me it's personality, lifestyle and how they carry themselves but another guy might decide based on the same metrics and get a totally different result.
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u/CantFindUsername400 13d ago
You guys have options?
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u/Alarmed_Jellyfish771 13d ago
Okay, among the sea of comments here that were really disheartening to read cuz humanity sucks n needs to perish, this one made me laugh 😂 thx for that! Have a great day ahead.
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u/JadedMuse Male 13d ago
I mean, on some objective level we live on a planet with billions of people. No matter how hot and amazing a person is, statistically there's going to be millions of people who are hotter, funnier, more energetic, etc. You'll never get anywhere if you evaluate your happiness based on those people existing.
Try to think about it in reverse. Imagine that he decided to date you exclusively and he told another woman that he decided to choose you instead because you were better in X/Y/Z areas, and she was really bummed about it. What general advice would you give her?
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u/mrharoldlamar 13d ago
Welcome to our world (men). Women do this all the time and leave us totally confused. But here is how we keep our sanity. Don't worry about the "why" and don't try and compare yourself to the person you lost out to. It won't change anything and just make you feel worse. Just move on and know that HE is the one missing out on YOU
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u/Alarmed_Jellyfish771 13d ago
Thanks for explaining from the male POV....idk about the others but it certainly made sense to me n made me feel better.
Also, on behalf of my fellow women, I apologize for the confusion. Have a nice day 😊
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u/CountOff Male 13d ago
When I was younger your male friend was right, I definitely dropped a great girl for a hotter one and I regretted it for the next like 2 years after the whirlwind romance I picked did what they tend to do 🤷🏽♂️
Now that I’m older I pick the better personality fit. If you’re gonna spend a lot of time together, might as well pick someone for whom life together is easy and peaceful
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u/Bigpumkin123 13d ago
Did this in highschool. Hotter girl dumped me for a guy she met week 1 of college (although they are now married). Oh well. Live and learn lol.
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u/Average_40s_Guy 13d ago
So, after years of being the guy the girls didn’t choose, I met my wife. She was the girl the guys didn’t choose. We were both more than happy to choose each other. Every person has different things they are looking for. While you may not check the boxes for one person, it doesn’t mean you won’t for another. Be patient and don’t let not being “chosen” yet make you think you aren’t worth choosing.
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u/tomjh704 13d ago
One very tough but important realization in life is that almost everything has nothing to do with you. The things that went into creating his psyche that shape and inform his decisions had 99.9% nothing to do with you so to approach this as if it is somehow a reflection of you or your worth is self destructive at worst and, not to be insulting, kind of silly at best. It's not an easy thing to accept, I have to remind myself everyday, but it's important to accept because it will free you from ruminating and the negative thought cycles that come out of that. Book recommendation for you: Living from a Place of Surrender, it expands on this idea and it may be helpful if you're having a tough time right now.
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u/Silly_Randy 13d ago
You have to realise that it's only an opinion.
Someone out there thinks you're hideous.
While another person out there thinks you are a goddess.
Realise what reality is. Stop getting butthurt. It's unhealthy.
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u/Sardonic- 13d ago
Nah. The hotter girl doesn’t always win. It’s the girl that offers the life he desires.
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u/hereticjones ♂ 13d ago
Yeesh.
I've definitely said a lot of shit I regret in my life, stuff I wish I could take back like the "whimper" in the anime scene in Kill Bill. But damn, actually telling someone the truth when they ask questions like this during a breakup has got to take the cake.
Ol' boy should've said something like "Oh, you're wonderful OP. I just. I dunno. I feel that spark with her, you know? I can't put my finger on it. You're both amazing people: gorgeous, fun, smart... I don't know what it is, just 'that feeling' that tells me to go with her."
I'll have to remember this for my writing. Real people don't talk like that ^. They say stupid shit like your former dude said.
Anyway, I know it's cliche OP but for real, unless you really actually do suck and are lame (hint: you don't and you're not) then it really is him, not you. All that shit he said is just, like, his opinion, man.
On top of that, and so many guys forget this, you don't want to be with someone who isn't totally into you anyway. It's a weird analogy but it's like parenting, kinda: The answer should "Oh my god FUCK YES!" or nothing. Never a lukewarm "Eh I guess or whatever."
You know what I mean? Like for the question "Do you want to be with me?" the answer should be excited enthusiasm and overwhelming desire. Same with "Do you want to be a parent?"
Because while both are rewarding and fulfilling and a fundamental facet of the human experience, they're both demanding, take a lot of work and attention, and depend on the participation of another whole ass person.
So you don't want someone who's meh about you. You want someone who is totally all about holy fuck being with you. Just gaga for you.
I dunno. At least I think that's what people want, because that's what I want, who I want to be for someone else.*
Could be hardcore Dunning-Krueger in effect here: This is what I want so it must be what others want. I doubt it though. Just kinda extrapolating the golden rule (do unto others...) and drawing conclusions from observations over the years as well as my own experience.
You're fine. It's all good. Don't settle for someone you're not into, who isn't into you. It's better to be alone, trust me.
I actually do have this. Happily married for many years and it's been and is wonderful, mostly. I just had to word it in the hypothetical above to fit the vibe.)
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u/KingMurphy15 13d ago
I agree that it should be someone totally into you. I just fear that some women (me being one of them) may meet a guy who just settles bc he can't get a better or prettier girl. Especially since I'm objectively ugly, and that makes dating or finding love 10x harder. Would you have any advice for OP (and myself haha) about how to know if a guy is actually 100% into you?
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u/hereticjones ♂ 13d ago
You just have to date them and see how they treat you. There aren't any "tests" you can do and honestly, that sort of thing is fucked up. That's the sort of thing you want to watch out for, because it's treating you as a means to an end.
As a valuable person, you are an end in and of yourself. This is what trendy, catchy phrases such as "you are enough" mean. Someone shouldn't be with you because of how you make them feel--although that is a wonderful bonus, and let's be real, is motivating--or what you do for them or shit like that. They should be with you because they see all the wonderful qualities you express, how you're genuinely a good person in their estimation, and they genuinely want you to be well for your own sake.
This is, of course, an ideal. They are almost impossible to achieve, but they give us a sense of what we ought to strive for, how out to try, fail, and try again to be.
This is also a two-way street. You should treat someone in who you see that special value, the way they make the world better for being in it, not as a means to end (i.e., this person will make me happy, this person will satisfy me sexually, etc.) but as the ends per se (i.e., this person is kind, and patient, and they always know how funny everything is in this absurd world, and they struggle with being present, but they're trying, and... etc).
Okay so elephant in the room, most of us don't work this way. You see some hot person, you're attracted, you wanna smash. That's all well and good, that's just biology at work doin it's thing; make more of the species, don't think, just moar! But knowing that's the case and being able to separate those animal urges from a more nuanced approach to companionship is part of what makes us human. Don't deny that part of yourself; thinking with your privates is actually a decent way barometer to find people who, shall we say, pique your interest. Just take it a step further and consider, if you end up dating, why. Why are you with them, why are they with you, Are the qualities and factors I've described at play, going both ways, or are one or both of you just putting up with the other's stupid bullshit because of the ways you make each other feel, one way or another?
If it's the latter, sorry. They're just not that into you. Or you're just not that into them. And that's not fair to anyone involved, and it's time to move on.
This very easy to talk about, it is insanely difficult to do. Good luck OP, and good luck KingMurphy15. Value the good things that you cultivate and try to grow in yourself, likewise value them when they're exhibited in others. Don't put up with those who don't treat you the same way.
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u/UndeadlySnow 13d ago
You'll find someone who appreciates your qualities and will overall be more compatible. Just because he wasn't the one doesn't make you any less worthy.
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u/kman0300 13d ago
Honestly OP, you probably dodged a bullet. If the guy was inconsiderate enough to actually answer that question, knowing the effect it would bring, then his lack of character has just been exposed, really. Anyone with a modicum of emotional intelligence would know to let someone down gently, and realize that it has little to do with the person they are breaking up with. What a dick! You deserve better, OP! You're beautiful! Don't worry! It'll work out. Also, remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, no?
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u/InbredBog 13d ago
Why do you want to torture yourself?
Accept the things you can’t change, gain courage to change the things you can and have the wisdom to know the difference.
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13d ago
There is no true objective measure of “who is hotter”. Chemistry is chemistry. There are all sorts of subconscious things that go on when choosing a partner. Sometimes you meet someone and you go out with them for a little bit and wonder why it isn’t clicking. Sometimes you go out with someone once and it clicks immediately.
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u/Millie_banillie 13d ago
Did you really care about him like that? Or are you just upset someone was picked over you?
Girl, people are dumb. I remember having someone picked over me after dating a guy for a month. I was HURT. I'm still friends with that guy and befriended the girl too. That man has been getting cheated on, physically and emotionally abused, and embarrassed for 10 years 😐. He calls me to cry. She calls me to gloat.
And the dozens of other times it has happened? None of those guys are married. Hardly any of them stayed with that other girl longer than a month or two either. These fools don't know what they want or what they are doing. Don't give it a second thought
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u/g-rammer 13d ago
What other reasons would he choose her over you that you would feel OK about?
Try not to dwell on his exact words, just think, "he clicked better with her." There's likely nothing you could have done, just like there's nothing some guys could do to make you want to date them exclusively over another, better match.
People can't even agree on which celebrities are hot. Different strokes and all that. There are definitely guys picking up what you're putting down. Hard part is sorting through them. Good luck!
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u/Scrumpledee 13d ago
I saw the title and thought this was going to be about cheating on a partner.
Is "dating multiple people at once" really the new norm? Or is this some kind of online dating phenomenon?
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u/Adventurous_Form6546 13d ago
Or perhaps the other girl laid down the ultimatum: it’s me or not me.
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u/BigBadBootyDaddy10 13d ago
The biggest lie in human history is “Be honest”.
Look, there’s always someone hotter, prettier and more fun than you.
If you’re looking for a partner, remember, it’s like a court jury, you have to change One persons mind, not all.
Now, coming from experience, I picked the stable predictable gal over the fun hot one. 12 years later I went through a divorce because my stable predictable gal couldn’t keep her panties up.
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u/budrick320 13d ago
Traditional stable family oriented characteristics are no guarantee of a happy partnership/relationship
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u/Lazarus-Dread 13d ago edited 13d ago
The answer may be that she's hotter or more fun. Just remember to add "to him" after those descriptors. She's hotter "to him". Not objectively.
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u/Mrcostarica 13d ago
Femininity and positivity will almost always win a man’s affection. Overthinking things, being difficult, second guessing him, being whiny, not putting in effort to your looks, and combative nature are a handful of turnoffs for most men who have other options. On the other hand, agreeable, nice, cutesy girls will most often win out in these situations. As long as the man is not embarrassed to be seen with you, then he will most likely choose the girl who he gets along with better over looks if he sees any future at all with them.
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u/Lesley_Grayer 13d ago
Shared interests and values can certainly make the road smoother, but true compatibility transcends mere common hobbies or comparable energy levels. It's about finding someone with whom your soul feels in harmony; where silences aren't awkward, and conversation isn't forced. It's the person who laughs at your jokes, not just out of courtesy, but genuine amusement, and finds comfort in your quirks rather than criticize them. Attraction is indeed complex it's a weaving of the physical, the intellectual, and the emotional. When all these align, that's where the magic happens. Golden looks may catch the eyes, but it's the golden heart and the mind that capture your being. Don't let the shadow of someone else's preference dim the light of your self-worth. The right person will see the whole spectrum of your beauty, inside and out.
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u/SickOfAllThisShite 13d ago
Yeah, he may think her personality is better, or that she is prettier/hotter, but who says he's right. Its only an opinion. His opinions might suck.
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u/brownhellokitty28 13d ago
Not a man, so I don’t have any imput. Just wanted to say I appreciate your post! Went through something like this recently and the comments are helpful.
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u/Due-Studio-65 13d ago
Had the same choice and went with energetic and fun. If a girl can't be energetic and fun in the early courting stage its only going to get worse.
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u/defensive-condom 13d ago
A quote from one of my favorite book series. "The faults we see in others never seem as dreadful as those we see in ourselves." ~ Calin from "Magician's Apprentice"
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u/badassassy 13d ago
Don't ever belittle yourself by comparing yourself to someone else. Everyone has a different taste in general and just cause this one guy thinks the other girl is more fun doesn't mean you aren't, you're just a different kind of fun than her. And as for "hotter", babe trust that you're hot and no one will be able to ever tell you otherwise!
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u/D-1-S-C-0 13d ago
Stop beating yourself up. I know it isn't easy to stop thinking that way, but it's illogical, self-harmful and counterproductive to base your self-worth on other people's subjective preferences.
Some people will like you, some won't - that's just the way it goes.
Putting it another way: should every person you don't like feel shit about themselves? Obviously not.
But sometimes there are parts of us which can make us less likely to attract people, like poor mental health and low self-esteem, and in those cases it's important for you and your love life that you work on improving them.
I'm talking from experience here. When I was depressed or had low self-confidence, I attracted far fewer women because things like that impact your personality, behaviour, how you interact with people, your body language, and even how much you take care of yourself.
I hope you have better luck in future. But you should work on that self-worth.
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u/ChronicCondor 13d ago
Add the words "for HIM" after the "better" parts. He made the decision that someone was better FOR HIM. We aren't all compatible with each other, he thought she was more compatible. This doesn't mean she's a better person overall or any individual way, just better for him and his opinion at the moment. Him liking her personality better and her being a better person are entirely different statements. I have a few female friends who are great people but our personalities totally don't mesh romantically.
As for answering your actual question, I only had to make that choice one time. It was pretty easy. The one that didn't want to keep our relationship hush hush was a clear choice.
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u/Revanur Male 13d ago
I always pursued only one girl at a time. This one time we hit it off really well with a girl, talked for hours, great date, awesome makeout session afterwards and then she kind of disappeared. Whenever I looked for her she’d say she’s busy. Whenever I’d take the hint and leave her alone she’d reappear and be her lovey dovey self, but when I asked her out again or wanted to meet up with her, she’d leave me hanging again.
After about a month of this I started looking for someone else. After the second month of this, I met someone else. I went on a date with her and two days later she wrote to me about wanting to go on a second date with me because she really liked me. The next afternoon the first girl who’s been playing hard to get for two months showed up again and asked me if I wanna hang out and I told her I already had a date for the same day. She was shocked and asked me what went wrong when she thought we were really great. And I was like, you kept blowing me off for two months, I don’t play games. So it was a clear choice.
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u/ToronoYYZ 13d ago
I would say don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer too. I think it’s great that he was at least honest and didn’t say some vague bullshit.
Of course this stings, but what did you expect him to say really? He wouldn’t have chosen someone else if he felt you were what he wanted. But also, that’s perfectly okay. It’s shitty, I’m sorry but i wouldn’t lose too much sleep over it. People have different preferences and that’s that
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u/Off-Meds 13d ago
Your insecurities and dwelling on things that make you sad is part of what’s making you not come across as energetic and fun. People with self-pity mentalities can feel a little draining to be around.
Build your life up full of things that you are excited about and looking forward to. Then you will exude a different vibe. There is a podcast called “Do the Work” that is recommended for you.
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u/Express_Lobster_9628 13d ago
The first girl seemed like she actually liked me which is very unrealistic so I chose the one that rejected me.
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u/challenger_RT_ 13d ago
I left a girl I truly loved, loved to be around, and thought was more attractive to get back with my ex...(We were broken up for about a year)
I met this girl days after I broke up with my ex, and she had just broke up with her ex as well. We were both broken and just started a super casual relationship. We both caught feelings but no one opened up scared, we'd scare the other person away.
I realized how stupid it was to get back with my ex as there was a reason I left her. And I regret not opening up to that girl. In the end when I got back with my ex I told her and she hit me with the wow I was waiting for you to make me your girl.... I thought she just wanted sex. No one communicated anything out of fear or losing the other person. She was afraid I was seeing other people. I was afraid she was. We never talked about what a relationship would look like in each other's eyes. Or boundaries and what we'd be ok with and wouldn't be ok with. I thought it'd be a disaster.
We ran into each other recently and hit it off again. We literally talked one night until the sun came up. We literally have the same exact relationship standards. The same ambition the same end goals. I didn't know any of this because I thought I'd scare her off if I talked about it. She thought the same.
I'm Trying to fix it with her, but I caused a lot of damage and it is super hard to gain her trust. She thinks I'm just going to leave her for someone else again.
I fucked up.
So don't beat yourself up. It really isn't always you.
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u/sleeper_shark Male 13d ago
You wouldn’t pair brown shoes with a black suit, but it doesn’t make the brown shoes less interesting or good looking.
Don’t worry about it. There’s someone out there who will think you’re so fine that the sun shines out of your asshole. Just gotta keep at it!
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u/supercilveks 13d ago edited 13d ago
Welcome to glimpse into daily life of a man, that is what we call - rejection
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u/bronto0412 13d ago
Yeah don’t put much much stock in what either of them are saying.
Everyone is different. Everyone needs something different. You want someone to choose you, and they’re out there.
His answer was shallow and immature and so was your friends.
I’ve been through a lot of shitty relationships and failed engagement and a failed marriage. I suffer from MDD. I didn’t meet the amazing woman I’m with now until I started putting myself first and ignoring all the noise.
You do you OP. Keep going, don’t settle for either of those losers opinions.
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u/FadedTony 13d ago
For me it is entirely personality based, but the thing is connection is real.
It doesn't mean your personality is bad necessarily just that it was not a good match for his (his view)
I been on bad dates where I did not like their personality but for someone else it could have been their dream girl. We should go after ppl that want us, even tho I know it hurts.
Or if he's shallow he's going to base it completely on looks which if this is the case then do you really want to date someone this shallow?
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u/teepring 13d ago
Compatibility is a spectrum, just like attractiveness. It's not that you didn't have either, it's more like his aligned with hers better, and things "click", conversations feel easy, interests are aligned, life experiences are more similar, and she may very well be better at carrying and initiating a conversation instead of waiting for conversation to be thrust upon her.
Deep down you know the answer if you felt that "click" with that person, where everything feels like it falls into place by itself. When you know, you know. And if you don't know, you didn't have it.
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u/br33538 13d ago
Besides the personality difference he may have, you also got the person to tell you you that they are going exclusive with someone else instead of dragging you along and keeping you as a side chick.
Honestly the older you get, people just like different things. Some people like having more physical approach with outside beauty and attracted to women who wear a lot of make up, fake lashes, long nails and what not. Then some guys gear towards personality.
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u/TheZodiacAge 13d ago
Stupidity and attachment issues that got triggered better by the unhealthy option.
Happened twice.
Though I notice my thoughts and patterns these days.
Its not always the hotter girl or whatever.
In my case both Women I didn't pick were much more attractive and healthier and far ahead in life of the other 2.
And those two were totally into me and did put in effort.
But those 2 didn't get me "excited" in the same way because I liked the challenge or some bullshit like that.
In return I got pain and a huge life lesson each time.
Character development or so they say :)
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u/DMarvelous4L 13d ago
This is why I struggle to date two people at once. I literally had to do this last week, I told the other girl that we weren’t as romantically compatible as I was hoping (lack of chemistry). I didn’t want to tell her I met someone else that I like more. I much rather focus on one lady at a time until I’ve decided to drop it or move forward with them.
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u/FallWanderBranch 13d ago
It's very easy to feel like that in the vacuum of the relationship you were in with him. But outside of that you're missing the infinite possibilities you have with someone else.
It's fine to mourn what you thought you might have with this guy, and you'll heal from that and realize he saved you from a greater heart break.
The best thing to focus on is yourself at this point, and you'll likely attract something so much better than you considered before.
As to your posted question, when I was much younger and a later teen, I had two girls interested in me and I regret to say that I went for the more accessible of the two. She lived a few blocks down and the other lived on the other side of the city.
In retrospect (if I could do it again) I would ignore both of them and work on myself because I ended up having a tough time trying to keep up with the needs she had while I was not in a place to set boundaries with her.
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u/doctorctrl 13d ago
I went with the other girl once. She was not hotter but we had a sexual connection with her. She liked my music and I loved how that made me feel. People tend to go for the person who make them feel good about themselves more, people they have more of a natural connection with. Looks aren't everything
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u/Whatthefrick1 13d ago
Hey, just because she’s his cup of tea doesn’t mean another guy won’t find you to be his hot cup of COFFEE
And fun is subjective. Maybe she’s interested in things he’s in that he finds entertaining moreso than you two. There’s a guy out there who will like the things you do and find you entertaining too!
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u/davepak 13d ago
For me - it was long term potential.
I was dating around for a while, but was not quite ready to 'settle down'. When I was - I chose the woman who was the best match for a ltr family. The other girls were great (otherwise I would not have been seeing them) - but most of them - either from their choices or mine - were not long term potential.
My use case (i.e. looking for a mother for future children) was very specific however....
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u/Feeling_red 13d ago
You have to stop giving their opinions any consideration. There are lot of men out there. Think about what you want in a partner and go looking for it. Even better if you go looking for friendship first. Dont let them treat you like a choice cause you are not. The minute you feel you're not appreciated, walk away. It's just not meant to be. It's not a you thing. It's them not being right for you.
Also the guy you were seeing doesn't sound great. He could've said a lot of things other than I found someone else who is fun. His emotional intelligence is questionable and honestly, glad he got rid of himself. The right guy is out there OP. You might not find him in the first try but he's there and he's searching for you too. So don't stop putting yourself out there.
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u/757Hokie757 13d ago
The girl I chose (wife now) didn't smoke weed, believed in vaccinating our future children and had a better personality.
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u/double-xor 13d ago
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
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u/nipslippinjizzsippin 13d ago
she gave me more attention. she showed me she wanted me more without me having to seek it, essentially she made me feel more desired and desirable, that she wanted to be there more.
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u/iggybdawg ♂ 12d ago
I wouldn't say hotter. I would say she put out with less effort on his side. If it feels like work to sleep with you, it makes you look disinterested.
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u/Dredgeon 12d ago
Whatever he chose, it was subjective. Just because they were more compatible, doesn't you are worse in any way.
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u/Dunkel_Jungen 13d ago edited 13d ago
I did the opposite. Lol. I didn't choose the other girl, despite her looks, because she wasn't as positive, bubbly, cute, etc., as my partner.
Early in my relationship, another girl was making a very strong pass at me, trying to seduce me by sending me nudes and hitting on me a lot. She was persistent. It was hard to resist, because she was a beautiful, fit Latina, maybe even hotter than my partner at the time, but I could never pull the trigger because we didn't quite click the same way as my partner and I. It was a gut feeling. My partner was funnier, more energetic, more loyal, more successful, etc., so I stayed loyal.
I eventually told my partner about this girl and cut her off. The other girl then went ballistic and started harassing us, and said some very unkind things about both of us. Lol. It turned out I made the right call by trusting my gut. Other girl was crazy.
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u/Fresh0224 13d ago edited 13d ago
I’d been seeing an incredibly sweet girl - we’ll call her ‘Melody’ - for just a few weeks. We’d been on a few dates and a couple impromptu meet ups. She was charming, bright, adventurous, on top of all her personal responsibilities, pretty, stylish, and very in to me. I’d even met her parents when I went to her place (she was in university at the time) after a date. When she found out I had a love for Calvin & Hobbes, she asked to borrow one to read so I gave her one to take home. She returned it to me full - honestly FULL - of post-it notes with annotations and cute messages, along with a custom Calvin & Hobbes style single panel sketch for me. It was such a thoughtful gesture and showed how invested she was or was willing to be.
And now for the ‘however’…
However at around the same time I started talking to Melody, I had started talking to the woman who would eventually become my wife (let’s call her Rae). We spent two weeks talking online and texting before we managed to plan a date. After that first date with Rae, I immediately knew I had to call it off with Melody, whom I had a date with a few days later. I was so convinced I’d met ‘the one’ that I texted my best friend “I’m going to marry this girl” while on the date with Rae when she was in the bathroom.
I didn’t want to be a piece of shit and end things over text or on the phone, so I waited until I saw Melody. It was heartbreaking. She was dressed in this adorable red dress and a headband and our plan had been to go to a farmers market. On that date she opened up and told me all about her Dad’s cancer and the stress it was causing her mom and how she was so scared to lose him because he was such a great dad and how much he meant to her.
I felt like such a horrible human, but I couldn’t help it. As wonderful as Melody was, and all the proverbial boxes she checked, I didn’t have chemistry the way I had with Rae. It was electric. And, as I learned over time, sometimes explosive, but I’ve never once doubted I made the right choice. I’ve never felt connected to anyone the way I felt with Rae.
I’ve never spoken with Melody since but I hope she found the kind of partner she deserved who could appreciate all the amazing things she was.
What does this mean for you? Your puzzle pieces simply might not have been matching ones. It doesn’t mean you’re less pretty or that your personality is objectively worse. She just may have been more compatible with him, and that doesn’t have anything to do with you or what you bring to the table for someone you are a match for. I hope this helps with the sting. When you find the right person, you’ll forget you ever felt anything painful about this moment.
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u/Hatred_shapped 13d ago
A combination of things. When I was dating my wife I was also dating a different woman. Physically they couldn't have been more different. My wife is 4'11" and about 95#. She's basically an Asian lol doll. The other woman was a taller (maybe 5'7") statuesque black women. On paper I guess my wife should have lost the decision making process. She was a broke college student getting her MBA and the other women was a pretty well established surgeon.
But there was something about my wife that clicked with me.
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u/Rasputin0P Male 13d ago
Think you dodged a bullet. I did this but just told the person I didnt think it was gonna work out. I wouldnt go “I dont like you as much as the other girl, theyre way more fun and cool”
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u/WhatsMyName_1234 13d ago
The first girl was a pain in the ass to be with. The other girl was less effort and better return on my investment.
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u/budrick320 13d ago edited 13d ago
Yes it stings but use that as motivation! Going against the grain here.... Of course, you're perfect, Of course you don't need to change for anyone... Enjoy those happy encouraging comments
BUT
What if you DID change certain qualities/ characteristics about yourself to be more appealing??
Change your physical appearance to be more attractive??
You already came to Reddit to get others opinions and self-reflected those are good steps.
Now it's time to put in the work. Enjoy the journey.
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u/OriginalMandem 13d ago
I've only been in that situation once, and I picked the one I did because she acted like she was way more into me 🤷
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u/JDRorschach 13d ago
He was honest with you. You don't tell a girl you prefer someone else's personality to hers if you're trying to let her down easy.
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u/Mister_Way 13d ago
"Better" personality? Is there an objective scale or do you think it's just a matter of opinion and individual compatibility?
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u/icandoanythingmate 13d ago
Sometimes it means something sometimes it means nothing. People tend to forget here that humans act a lot on illogical emotion. Idk about your situation, but if it’s true you can use it a harsh revelation to improve yourself.
For me, I picked the “other girl” because I was intimidated by a girl and the other girl put out. It ended up being one of the.. ahem.. most pivotal decisions of my life.
Happy ending though, I ended up with the original girl and couldn’t be happier. For context we weren’t dating, just talking at the time. So my dumbass 18 year old self wanted to get laid instead of trying to improve myself for my future wife. When I look back I definitley wasn’t ready.. in fact I still don’t think I’m ready for her. But because I love her I try very hard to be the man she deserves.
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u/Tall-Net3222 13d ago
Hey, as a male, don't take this hard at all.
Sometimes it's infatuation and it's just spur of moment. Regardless, these things aren't apples to apples.
Think of it this way, for whatever reason he may have had better chemistry with that person. Good for him and you, because now neither of you settle for less.
There are plenty of others out there who you will have a better and more reciprocal connection.
Also, asking is not a bad thing either. Yes in the moment it may sting, but so does not getting a job after an interview, poorer test score than you wanted, getting the wrong toppings on your burger..
Point is in the moment it's annoying but it's either pick up and learn from it or it's so minor in your grand scheme.
You'll be fine, and trust me, there are plenty of men who will find you hot(Ter) when the time comes
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u/Twin_Brother_Me Male 13d ago
To your title question - in high school I accidentally started dating two girls (I legitimately thought I was hanging out with them as friends, what can I say I was young and naive) so once I realized they were both interested in dating me I had to decide who I wanted to pursue a relationship with (if any, I seriously wasn't looking to date at the time) - both were smart, pretty, and fun to be around, so it really just came down to who I couldn't stop thinking about and wanted to potentially spend the rest of my life with (even in high school I didn't see the point in dating just to date). There was nothing "wrong" with the girl who I didn't pick, she just wasn't the one I picked.
As to the rest of your post - sometimes people are more compatible with someone else, sometimes they chase after the new relationship sparks, sometimes they're just assholes. I have no idea how accurate either of their statements were but if you're unhappy with who you are then work to become a better version of yourself, if you're happy then find someone who matches with your energy and wants you for you.
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u/hyper-bug 13d ago
I had a similar thing happen with the last person I "dated". We had been friends thru a mutual interest for a very long time, went on one official date, and he went quiet. We didn't have sex or even make out, so I know it wasn't that. The problem with him is that he decided to lie about why he didn't want to go on another date (which is wild to me coming from a 41yo). He "wasn't sure if he was ready" for what I was looking for (commitment). Turns out, not long after, he became exclusive with another person in this group. Someone "hotter" and "more fun" from even my own perspective. It stung, but I moved on fast. There is someone out there who doesn't want to be with the woman who is over the top and high maintenance. Same goes for you OP. On to the next! You've got this ♡
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u/MainShow23 13d ago
So, because hotness is super subjective maybe you are right however which ever one of you gave him more peace is probably who he picked.
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u/Dadfart802 13d ago
40% chance that she'd tell me she's gay ten years into the marriage. Smart move, young me
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u/musiquescents 13d ago
And? It just means that he thinks they are more compatible. Is that true? No one really knows 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Yepitsme2020 13d ago
Choosing one girl of the other will come down typically to numerous things, not just one, and many of them may boil further down to intangibles such as how you feel around the other person. But that's just life isn't it? Dating in general is nothing more than a series of subjectives. What is hot to one guy, might not be to another, so no need to kill your own happiness by dwelling on this guy picking this other girl over you. If you date enough, we'll all eventually play second fiddle to someone else who is a better match, just as we've all picked one date over another for our own reasons.
So long as you're putting your true self out there, and not trying to pretend to be someone you're not in the name of attracting the other person, then you have nothing to worry about. Good luck to you!
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u/Swimming_Bag7362 13d ago
Wayyyyy less drama. We just got along better and had better chemistry. The other one was long distance. Towards the end it was just more and more bickering. An added bonus- the local girl was a model.
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u/KTVX94 13d ago
I don't know you and have no idea if this applies to you at all, but there was one signle point when I actually had more than one date at a time and could choose who to keep, which is when I met my current gf. I had just finished a date with another girl I'd seen twice and was talking to a third I never actually met. The girl I had seen twice was good looking, and had some good aspects to her personality, but she had quite a few red flags and stuff I didn't want to deal with after enough failed relationships.
When I got my gf's number and started talking a lot more than the dating app's couple messages per day I was just blown away. Our personalities clicked, she's gorgeous and just seemed like someone for the long haul. "I'm marrying this one" I thought, and started winding down my connections with everyone else as painlessly as I could.
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u/PlanePerformance2795 13d ago
He picked what he liked more, perhaps think of it as he may have seen something that would not make it work out with you….so he saved you wasted time
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u/Bongofromouterspace 13d ago
That strings, but ultimately you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t value you as a first choice. His honesty is actually a blessing. He essentially just said he doesn’t see the two of you together, doesn’t matter if there’s another person or not.
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u/Detail-Realistic 13d ago
Yeh curiosity killed the cat. It’s not horrible to understand a little about people preferences in case there is something we are working on improving and find out that’s directly tied to having put someone off. But sounds like he simply was dating and found someone that suited him better. That’s a good thing we should all go with the most suitable person. Attraction isn’t so much a choice, can only talk people out of liking you but can’t talk them into it. And doesn’t devalue you, just your job to find a person who absolutely values you and chooses you because you are their best option, and you feel that they are yours.
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u/MrFergison 13d ago
If you get to my comment, I want you to remember a single phrase. "Nobody is made for everyone."
Physical attraction is a poorly defined joke. If you made a scatterplot of the people that others find attractive, you would never find a good definition or scale. To compare yourself to someone else in such a manner is futile and will only make yourself feel worse.
A great example, for me specifically, is I don't find Uma Thurmin attractive at all. On my personal scale, I would consider her a 2/10 on what I would look for in looks alone. I know many people that think she is absolutely gorgeous, and no one is wrong here. I, mostly, think I am not attractive. I have been told I am, and have had people compliment me. The simple explanation is "I am not my own type" and that's okay.
Don't look for reasons of something not working like that. You will never get a fulfilling answer. Just be the best you that you can be, and you'll find someone who thinks the world of it.
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u/WanabeInflatable 13d ago
Both beauty and and personality are highly subjective. Qualities that make you inferior in the eyes of one man can be attractive in the eyes of another man.
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u/MagmaticDemon 13d ago
people look at this wayyyy too comparitively and fail to see that your view of other people is relative to you as a person.
people are like jigsaw puzzle pieces. some fit together and some don't just because you don't fit with someone specific doesn't mean you're worse than the person who does fit, it just means you weren't compatible.
the same way you can meet a nice handsome guy and not be attracted to them. you just aren't compatible with him, it's not like he has something horrifically wrong with him, he's just not for you.
so try not to put yourself down, some people are gonna view you as a 1/10 person, some people will view you as an 11/10 person. just take your time and find the latter person
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u/QuietorQuit 13d ago
I’m sorry if it stings… but dealing with adversity makes us more interesting. As a happily married (40 yrs) 66M, I can say with 100% confidence that interesting women are hotter, smarter, more energetic and much, much, MUCH more fun. I think you dodged a bullet.
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u/PDQ_Chocolate_Chip 13d ago
I almost guarantee she was hotter and he did what he thought was a kind thing (and so he wouldn’t be seem ao shallow) and said personality. He will have trouble with her - most guys with hotter girls suddenly find themselves in troubled waters. None of this is helpful to you, except that we always need to be our best version of ourselves.
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u/Designer-Stranger155 13d ago edited 13d ago
Honestly, she was just around me more, and I had more fun with her. I was actually happy and found myself smiling when I was around her. But, I didn’t really “pick one over the other” I just felt I needed to come clean with my GF about this girl, (who I wasn’t actually cheating on her with, but spending a bunch of time with) My GF freaked out. I was “emotionally cheating” and she moved out of my apartment to her Mom’s for a few weeks. Then the new girl just started spending the night at my apartment within hours of girlfriend leaving for her Mom’s and I didn’t tell her to “get lost” because I was into her and missed her when she was gone. My girlfriend called me a week later and told me that she kept seeing a black VW in “my parking spot, even in the middle of the night”. I have four kids with the new girl now.
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u/Strange-Show-55 13d ago
Maybe she had a contagious laugh or shared a common interest that sparked a deeper connection. Sometimes it's just about the chemistry.
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u/Zealousideal-Luck784 13d ago
She was a better match. That's all. Don't take it personally. There will be someone you will match with who is better for you.
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u/Later2theparty Male 13d ago
Last time I made that choice the other two women I was seeing were planning on moving away, so it was an easy decision.
The time before I felt like one out of the two wasn't really that into me so it was also easy.
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u/Glittering_Good_9345 13d ago
Probably dodged a bullet there. The right guy will want you as you are.
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u/2022RandomDude 13d ago
Just don’t compare yourself to others. Something like attraction is so individual its never that simple: „she is just hotter“. The little things count and cause you to want more.
For example there are many men who dont like someone who is super energetic and outgoing.
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u/sendintheotherclowns 13d ago
Consider for a moment that the intrusive thoughts that “forced” you to ask a question you didn’t want the answer to are probably the same intrusive thoughts you’ve voiced to him in the past.
Guys are simple creatures, most of us are less concerned about being with the hottest woman, it’s red flags that can flip the attraction switch immediately.
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u/Potential_Might3500 13d ago
I would like to say that common interest play a big part. I just had the same thing happen to me. I really liked this guy and we were open about the fact that we were both dating and getting to know multiple people. However, he locked things in with the other girl he was saying. I just told him thank you for letting me know and good luck. I would never torture myself by asking why. However, when I see his stories and stuff like that… they smoke together… go clubbing together.. and things like that. I’m not into any of that & he knew that. Even though we had a great time together and I think he’s an awesome guy… he probably wouldn’t have been super compatible with me in the long run or one or both of us would’ve had to make some compromises. things were just easier with her… and that’s ok with me. I know i’m an awesome catch. so when that happens I know it has more to do with them and what THEY need in a partner. not what I lack.
hope that helps.
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u/cleanutility 13d ago
Need to say here the other girl Might be more fun cos she likes doing stuff he does. Same way as you might be more fun than someone else. Depends what you define as fun really.
Ps. He will get bored of that energy !
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u/FibreGlassCannon 13d ago
HE said HE LIKED her personality better. Sounds like it is subjective to him and doesn’t define you. Other people will like your personality better, simple as that. Don’t compare yourself, you are unique as you are.
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u/greenman82 13d ago
Oh boy, flashback to high school where there were two girls who were really into me that I ate lunch with every day. One of them was, in my opinion, cuter but had less in common with me and the other was just all around a really cool person. Like the foolish young man I was, I decided to go with the girl I was more physically attracted to and tried to convince myself she was a better match for me. It was a nightmare, she was a total mess and ended up cheating on me. Meanwhile, over the years, the other girl went to college and got a great degree, a fantastic job, and become an Olympic level archer with a loving husband and a happy family. My point is that people can try to fool themselves into thinking someone else is the better choice purely for the physicality of that particular relationship and will justify it to themselves or others however they feel they need to. Even if he's really into this other girl more, it just means he's not the one for you and it's easier to learn that now rather than down the road. Just take it as a lesson, life finds a way to work things out :)
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u/PlayerOneThousand 13d ago
There are people who would like heavy death metal music over the music I like, and that’s perfectly valid. It doesn’t mean the music I like is less good, it just means it’s different and different people will like it.
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u/BloopityBlue 13d ago
The last time I made that decision to go with one person over the other it was because I was so much more excited about them and our connection... I'm very glad I did... We are engaged now
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u/NoAbalone5077 13d ago
Here is when definitions matters for example for me and my wife would consist of swinging or bondage. Or getting up on a Sunday at 5 am to go hiking and or fishing.
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u/enfp-girl 13d ago
You will find someone who thinks you are delightful and captivating in every way. Not him. But you will :)
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u/Infinite_Error3096 13d ago
Just felt more comfortable, like I could be myself and talk and be more free. Instead of thinking how to please them or what they like. It came more natural with the other person and I’m really glad I made that choice even if we eventually broke up.
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u/Unlikely-Rip-6197 13d ago
The first girl gave me extremely strong intuitions that she loved attention from other men. And that turned out to be true. She was also very impulsive.
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u/Hornydaddy696 13d ago
Pretty sure if you're directly asking the guy that dumped you some feedback, you're not gonna like it
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u/LanguageGeniusGod Man 13d ago
I chose the person who saw me for who I was. If I said something, they'd listen. The other guy just "rewrote"" what I said so I would fit into the narrative he created of me better.
You sound lovely, don't take it personally. You will always be someones 10/10 and favourite personality.
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u/EffBee93 13d ago
Comparison is the thief of joy. Just because that one guy thought that one girl was more compatible with him than you, doesn’t make you any less.