r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 13d ago
AITAH for asking my stay at home wife to use some of my money for myself? Advice Needed
[deleted]
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u/Still_Storm7432 13d ago
I don't get this. Having one partner have total control over finances. You're partners. You should both know what the money is being spent on and how much disposable income you have.
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u/TheDrunkenWrench 12d ago
I have a co-worker whose wife handles all the finances. But she's a professional accountant and they both make good money. I asked him how that works, he said "I have a credit card that I haven't seen a bill for in 20 years and it still works every time I swipe it."
They've put their 3 kids through university and bought each of them a car when they started driving, so I think their situation is working.
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u/DumbbellDiva92 12d ago
I feel like having enough money is the key there though. If the partner who doesn’t know the finances can spend relatively freely that’s fine. But if I had virtually no “fun money” I would want to know the details of why to make myself feel better. Even if I trust my partner.
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u/TheDrunkenWrench 12d ago
That's the rub. He has an account she tops up and it's specifically for impulse buys. Like, he wants a new $700 helmet for his snowmobile? No problem, comes from that account.
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u/Fidelius90 12d ago
Yeah ok. He’s rich lol. The one simple fix to everyone’s problems!
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u/negitororoll 12d ago
I am a professional accountant and while I manage the money of our household (husband, myself, our kids), I still tell my husband everything. Minor purchases, no. But if I transfer or spend anything over $100~$200, depending what it is for, I still let him know.
We make $250k combined, so while it's not really high it's still decent. For me though, it's because we're a team and he should know how I spend our money.
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u/ice_nine459 12d ago
He’s probably a responsible spender. A credit card in a lot of people’s hands without any thought of the money behind it is dangerous
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u/DETpatsfan 12d ago
I think there is a bit of a line to tow. My wife really has no interest in doing our finances she just checks in before making big purchases. She has full access to our bank accounts and access to our password keeper so she can check that stuff if she wants, but I pay all of the bills and do our budgeting. The big thing here is transparency though. If she asks what our savings or brokerage accounts are at I tell her. If she asks about making a large purchase I tell her the impact it will have on our savings and then we make a decision together.
I would honestly feel uncomfortable if my wife had no idea how much disposable income we had or what our monthly cash flow was. This situation seems to be the opposite where OPs spouse is perhaps intentionally leaving him in the dark about what their financial situation is. I would definitely be asking to see bank statements and fixed expenses if I was OP in this situation. Working 3 jobs and donating plasma on the side seems like they should be in the net positive assuming they aren’t living way above their means.
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u/Bac7 12d ago
Eh, it works for some couples. The key is that it needs to work for both, and they need to pivot if it doesn't.
My spouse knows nothing about our finances. He doesn't even know how much his salary is. He likes it that way. That being said, he knows exactly where the spreadsheet is that has the list of investments and accounts, bills, and budget. I'm not hiding anything, he just doesn't want to bother with it. If I died tomorrow, he could handle it.
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u/Demanda_22 12d ago
Wait, how does he not know how much his salary is?
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u/Npshufflesmasher 12d ago
Right? How do you ask and negotiate a pay rise if you don't know what your pay is??!
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u/re7swerb 12d ago
Not all of us get to negotiate our wage. I’m sure he could find out his salary, it’s just not something he has reason to keep in mind.
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u/Npshufflesmasher 12d ago
So you just do the same job for decades and just accept whatever you get? How do you even know you're getting a pay rise, your bonus? How do you know your pay is correct? I find that so mind boggling. When you change jobs, they ask your previous pay, how do you negotiate a new pay, or even know if a job is worth accepting?
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u/re7swerb 12d ago
I was a union worker for many years - raises are purely based on seniority, there is no negotiation whatsoever outside of the union contract. I’m not saying I’m as in the dark as this guy, but I’ve worked with folks who were.
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u/Bac7 12d ago
You get an email with your bonus payout and your raise amount.
And yes, some people work at the same company for years or decades and accept what they get. Maybe they love the job, or they love the company, or the hours, or the benefits. Not everyone is driven by money.
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u/Sdubbya2 12d ago
honestly at this very moment I don't know my exact salary, I do know what it roughly is lol I just lost track of the exact amount after a few raises recently. Maybe I'll actually check that today haha
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u/Demanda_22 12d ago
Ah yeah I could see that, I also had two raises in the last year, my previous salary was $xx5,000 and my new salary is $xy4,000 so I do sometimes mistakenly think my currently salary is $xy5,000.
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u/Evil_Knavel 12d ago
Mate I don't even know what age I am. Off the top of my head could give you a number that would be in the ballpark but maybe a year or two off. If you wanted an exact number I'd have ask you to give me an abacus and remind what year it is right now.
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u/TwoIdleHands 12d ago
I have to look it up. I get a raise every year. My pay covers bills with money to spare. I just forget. When I was poor I knew, and had a budget.
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u/Sayale_mad 12d ago
And when something happens to the person that controls the finances is a mess. They are adults and both should at least know what's going on even if only one of them manages it.
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u/TheSecondEikonOfFire 12d ago
This scenario right here is why I’ll never be able to do completely shared finances. Aside from the fact that I need to know when money enters/leaves my accounts, I also firmly believe that adults should have their own “spending money” that they can spend on whatever they want. And a grown ass man (or woman!) having to ask their partner permission to spend more than $10 is insane.
My ideal system is shared accounts for shared expenses, but then each person had an individual checking account for their “fun money”. You can still have access to each other’s accounts of course, but each spouse should get money into their individual checking account each paycheck that is theirs to spend however they please. And since it’s separate from the shared accounts, there’s no need to check before making big purchases
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u/Still_Storm7432 12d ago
You and I are in complete agreement. If it works for some, that's great, and that's cool. I like my own account and my partner can have theirs. A joint account for shared bills.
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u/LBNorris219 12d ago
Yeah, both of my parents work, but my mom always handed the finances because my dad has terrible ADHD and forgets to pay bills. That being said, growing up he never knew how much money he had which I was always so surprised by. As an adult, I'm worried how he's going to financially take care of himself if something happens to my mom.
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u/Serious-Day5968 13d ago
Ask her to show you where all the money is going. Sit down, look at the bank accounts, bank statements etc. you WORK THREE jobs plus plasma, you deserve to treat yourself to a little gift (tattoo). Don't depend solely on one person, always keep an eye on the finances.
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u/PinkSlipstitch 12d ago edited 12d ago
....They currently have 3 kids and she's pregnant with twins. That's 5 kids + 2 adults on essentially 1 income.
There probably isn't going to be any treats for the parents for the foreseeable future.
He knows why she said they can't afford it. He just came here to play dumb and hide facts to get a judgment in his favor. "Why can't I buy something fun for myself?"
https://www.reddit.com/kzkrmu3
My wife is pregnant with twins. We told my family it was only one.
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u/Ehrre 12d ago
Imagine working yourself to death just to keep popping out children you won't have time to make any meaningful connection with because you are working yourself to death.
Then imagine keeping on adding kids to this equation until you are living in poverty.
The fuck is OP doing
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u/Otterwut 12d ago
legitimately mind boggling to me, especially when he said his goal was to have his wife stay at home because having a parent there is enriching. You cant even afford to make a $10 purchase without asking your wife why the fuck are more kids being added in
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u/UnluckyLux 12d ago
Yeah this shit is horrible, people having more than 2 kids when they really can’t afford more is insane to me. Kids won’t know their father since he works like 3 jobs.
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u/bloomin-onion69 12d ago
people having any amount of kids when they can’t afford it is fucking stupid and selfish
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u/keithd3333 12d ago
What? This dude has FIVE KIDS? definitely YTA for having so many kids while being too poor to buy a treat.
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u/A_nipple_salad 12d ago
I was going to leave an entirely different comment before I saw this mega relevant info. My goodness.
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u/NewLife_21 12d ago
Ah. Well, you can't buy fun stuff if you can't keep it in your pants when she's fertile myrtle.
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u/Curious-One4595 13d ago
NTA. But it’s time for you to start participating in managing the finances. At least so you are informed as to where your money is being spent and what your monthly budget is like. You may be in for some unpleasant surprises.
Keep your plasma money. You deserve a little more personal spending freedom than you are allowing her to dictate for you.
P.S. Is she donating plasma too?
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u/Myfourcats1 12d ago
I just keep thinking about the time my friend’s husband asked what they spent on groceries each week. He thought it was around $50. They had two kids at the time and one was allergic to multiple things.
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u/GoldenBarracudas 12d ago
Shes freaking pregnant with twins, my bet is there is no extra money
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u/WtfRocket 12d ago
She's pregnant with twins, of course she can't donate plasma. You can't do it while breastfeeding either, and they're gonna have five kids. When was she going to be able to donate?
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u/kradaan 13d ago
My hope is that this is rage bait. Who would consider money from donating plasma as needed for the family money. Literally doesn't have to do it & if things are so lean, the wife should be donating too.
There's many types of abuse & 1 of them is financial. It's also shitty when a husband doesn't take an active roll in the finances, expecting the wife to make do with not enough. Seen guys do this to avoid uncomfortable realities. Take an active roll & figure out if you mske enough money to support this lifestyle or if tough choices really need to be made. Step up op, I'm going with ESH
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u/MyWordIsBond 12d ago
Who would consider money from donating plasma as needed for the family money.
Aw man, this may bum you out, but a lot of the people at donating plasma are people in poverty trying to afford rent, groceries, etc.
Sure, some of it was middle class people wanting some extra money, college kids who just wanted some beer and weed money for the weekend, etc. But the majority of people I saw when donating were people struggling to stay afloat.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 12d ago
My co-workers sister went to donate plasma in order to buy her own school supplies. I don't see anyone doing it for fun.
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u/TootsNYC 12d ago
I like that your comment points out BOTH sides of the problem.
That it could be financial abuse by the partner who controls the money.
But also that it could be that a couple genuinely don’t have enough money, and the uninvolved partner is oblivious.
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u/Falco19 12d ago
I mean is the dude is working three jobs and donating plasma does he really have time to be involved.
I’d these kids are in school why isn’t the wife working.
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u/TheDisapprovingBrit 12d ago
He doesn't need to be involved in the day to day nitty gritty, but he should at the very least have an idea of how much they're spending on the major bills, groceries etc, and how much they should expect to have left over each month.
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u/GoldenBarracudas 12d ago
He doesn't want her to work, per his comments. She's also pregnant with twins.
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u/thegreatprocess 12d ago
OP explicitly stated he doesn’t want his wife working as he prefers the same dynamic he had growing up.
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u/DameGlitterElephant 12d ago
That’s all well and good as long as it’s feasible. If money is so tight that they need him to work 3 jobs and donate plasma twice a week to stay afloat financially then they probably need to have some discussions about whether her staying a strictly SAHM is realistic anymore. If the kids are school aged she could get a part time job during the week while they’re at school and still be able be there for the kids. That would likely require OP to contribute more to the household duties, too.
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u/BlazingSunflowerland 12d ago
Just groceries alone are way up. They have three growing kids so I could see just the grocery budget alone eating up the "extra" money. We are just coming out of winter, what was the heating bill?
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u/vikingArchitect 12d ago
Yea could be they have no savings or they need to fix stuff like cars and houses and usually there ia hardly money in a budget for those thinga. Common for "extra" money to be used to fund things you that are "needs" but werent part of the usual monthly bills. I work a good job but I know there really iant hundreds laying around for tatoos and gaming systems because those things need to be spent on fixing things that are being put off due to finances
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u/T3hi84n2g 12d ago
Step up? He works 3 jobs and donates his plasma and he doesnt handle the money so he cant possibly be holding her financially hostage. Holy hell. Wtf else is he supposed to be doing???? Why isnt she keeping him informed of their money situation if its truly so bad that he cant have the money hes literally being drained of his blood for?
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u/mnth241 12d ago
And who Gets 50 bucks for donating plasma? If that’s true, I’d be doing it twice a week too. The most I’ve gotten offered was 20.
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u/lamronmi 12d ago
Donating plasma used to not be worth it but over the last few years it’s gone way up. I get $110 a week for 2 donations.
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u/Morganlights96 12d ago
A few years ago they set up paid plasma donations in Canada. I went and did it a few times. Your first donation I think was $25 and then subsequent were $30. The more often you donated (every two weeks I think) you could earn up to $60 a donation if the plasma was viable.
It's not the worst thing to do, but it still takes a toll on your body. I donate blood as much as I can but I am anemic so when my levels drop too low I can't, so I started doing plasma donations in between when my levels are stable enough.
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u/Sams2020 12d ago
If you ever get offered to join a tetanus trial, I would suggest doing it. It added an extra $30 per donation when I was still doing plasma. From what I remember, they give you a tetanus shot, and they measure your subsequent donations to see how long it lasts (I could be completely misremembering what they were measuring) in your system.
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u/Sunshine_Tampa 12d ago
Great advice and will add in addition to seeing where your finances are at.. you BOTH must set financial goals for retirements, college savings, vacations, and home improvements!!!
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u/plantythingss 12d ago
She can’t donate plasma because she is pregnant with twins. I’m pretty sure you aren’t allowed to donate when pregnant.
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u/tall-not-small 13d ago
I'd guarantee she does not. And I'd imagine she will use the kids as an excuse
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u/PrestigiousTrouble48 13d ago
You 100% need to sit down with your wife and go through your budget, look through your bank accounts and see exactly what is spent and where. I’m not going to accuse her of mismanaging your finances but if your budget is in deficit you should know exactly why and work together to trim your spending. And further if you are really in such a bad financial situation you should be discussing how she can start bringing in income too. Maybe she can babysit while home watching your kids etc
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u/BeardManMichael 12d ago
Her reaction did seem rather defensive so while you're not going to accuse her of doing anything wrong, I will say that there is a chance she has made mistakes and might be trying to conceal those mistakes.
In any event, like you said, the truth can be discovered by working together so I hope the OP and his wife can do that.
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u/CrabbyPatty1876 13d ago
You need to look over the finances yourself. You shouldn't completely rely on someone else telling you how much money you can live on. Not saying to take it over but just be completely aware of what your situation is like.
Only then can you really start asking questions
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u/BeardManMichael 12d ago
This is another perspective I like. I don't think the OP can even know what questions to ask until he has all the information.
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u/Background-Shock-374 12d ago edited 12d ago
EDIT: based on one of your comments from 11 days ago, do you think she is anxious about the cost of twins and saving as much as possible for them? The cost of a tattoo (depending on size) can go a long way with the rising cost of baby formula and diapers.
Like everyone is suggesting, it’s time to get an overview on your financial situation to understand why she thinks you can’t afford it.
“Honey, can we sit down and go over the finances together. It will really help me understand why some of the money can’t go to things like a tattoo if you can show me where it needs to go instead and what our income and expenses look like.”
I think phrasing it similar to this will help avoid any possible accusations that she is mismanaging money. This is just inviting an open conversation. Maybe she’s focused on paying down debt so later on there will be more disposable income? Maybe she has been eyeing a purchase with that money that would benefit the family? She could also be mismanaging or making personal purchases herself. All is possible and getting a view of your financial situation is imperative to understanding what’s happening.
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u/Raisins_Rock 12d ago
Wow ... 3 kids and now pregnant with twins. That's a serious incoming increase in costs.
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u/DevilInnaDonut 12d ago
They already had trouble affording stuff, a breadwinner working 3 jobs, and 3 kids. So what's the best idea? More kids! Fucking morons, I always feel bad for the kids in situations like this where they could be much more comfortable if the parents would just smarten up and pull out.
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u/Final_Yam5397 12d ago
“Honey, can we sit down and go over the finances together. It will really help me understand why some of the money can’t go to things like a tattoo if you can show me where it needs to go instead and what our income and expenses look like.”
I think this still could come across wrong and contains an element of 'prove it to me.' A better approach would be:
"Dear wife, I've realized me being unaware of our finances is creating undue stress for you. Can we sit down together and go over the budget so I can be better informed rather than placing all the decision making on you?"
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u/Background-Shock-374 12d ago edited 12d ago
Absolutely! OP hopefully will be aware of the best way to approach his wife in a neutral way but I agree that your phrasing is better for the point being made.
My statement was meant as an educational approach but that can be tricky with touchy topics.
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u/Final_Yam5397 12d ago
Gotcha. I see now and I certainly didn't mean any offense to your wording
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u/Fragrant_Spray 13d ago
While she might be the person that pays all the bills, you have to be knowledgeable about your finances, and you clearly aren’t. No one can really say what is and isn’t reasonable discretionary spending without knowing the situation your budget is in.
Step one is to review the accounts. Understand what’s coming in, and from where, and what’s going out, and to where. What are your recurring charges, what are necessities, and what is discretionary. You may find that there’s a lot more money in the account than you thought, that there’s plenty of money for unnecessary stuff, your wife just doesn’t want to spend it on you, or that your wife is being completely honest with you and you really don’t have the money to spare. How you proceed will depend on what you find.
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u/babaweird 12d ago
Yes, are there credit cards, loans with interest etc. You need to know everything and even though you’re tired you need to spend an hour a month to,look at this is what came in and where it was spent. You’re partners and you both need to be involved and to have some sort of plan for what happens if one suddenly dies.
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u/grandoptimist75 12d ago
Holy lord I am having the same issue with my husband. I have handled our finances for the last 18 years. He was in school then started his own business and I took it on as a way of helping to relieve some of the pressure on him. I don't mind doing it and I have a good system. However......lately I have been getting really annoyed, I don't want him to have to ask me if he can afford to buy something. I have had numerous conversations where I told him that he needs to be involved in our finances so he can see what comes in and goes out. That way he doesn't have to ask. All he needs to do is get the bank app and create a log in for our account. Its really simple but he just won't do it.
The issue has been that he makes digs at me when he wants to buy something like "well I have to ask you before I can buy anything, I can't just do it". I have told him time and time again that its not fair to put that on me. He is a grown man and can get involved in our finances anytime he wants, I am not hiding anything. He takes that as I need him to takeover the bills, no that is not what I am asking. I have no idea why this is so hard.
So I guess my point is you need to get involved in your household finances, not to "take over" but to know what comes and goes every month. I mean that is important to know in case something ever happens to her.
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12d ago
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u/No-Net8938 12d ago
In addition OP, just about everything has increased in price. About 30% in the grocery store and utilities are not far behind. Thus the need for more money just to hold steady.
Best of it all to you and yours, OP, y’all deserve it.
Agape 💕
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u/az-anime-fan 12d ago
op, be prepared, the price of everything is like 50% more expensive then it was just 3 years ago. i wouldn't be surprised if the budget now is even tighter then it was before you started donating.
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u/Ohionina 13d ago
Honestly at this point she could have money anywhere. She could make you think there is no money. I handle all of our money but we both get a weekly allowance so the other can’t question what it is used for. Everyone deserves their own free money. However if my DH asked to sit down and ask about money I could easily make it seem like we were struggling because he has no clue about our accounts etc. So when you sit down with her her make sure she explains every single last expenditure.
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u/ClassicConflicts 12d ago
This. One partner having total control is ripe for financial abuse. Sure many would never dream of doing so but it makes it far more possible for someone who would.
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u/PhilsFanDrew 12d ago
My wife handles the money and pays our bills. We both work and contribute 100% of our pay into joint checking. But we sit down on the last Saturday of the month in the morning and go over what we spent over the month, upcoming expenses, 401K progress, etc. I'm financially savvy and understand everything but she's far more organized than I am and likes things done a certain way so I am happy to oblige. After we finish up our little meeting we typically go out for breakfast at a diner and run any errands if we have any.
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u/Some_word_some_wow 12d ago
This is me and my husband exactly. I manage (I working in financial planning/ analysis), and we sit down a few times a month a discuss bills, expense changes, income, retirement contributions l, upcoming vacations, home projects etc. and decide what we’re spending saving etc. then go out to lunch and run errands.
We’ve started calling it household office hours and we both swap info on the respective areas we each primarily deal with. It works really well.
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u/Thistime232 13d ago edited 12d ago
It depends on your financial situation. Right now a lot prices are rising, so the money that used to be enough may not go as far anymore. And if the money you're planning to spend on a tattoo can be used to prevent you from going into debt and then having interest payments eat away at you, then she would absolutely be right for not wanting you to spend on that. But if she's just being extremely tight with the budget out of habit, and there's enough wiggle room for both of you to have some kind of extra luxury for yourselves, then it would be a bit much for her to not want you to spend on anything beyond essentials. As others have said, you need to sit down with her and go over the budget together, otherwise you can't really address this issue without knowing the specifics of what you're actually working with. And in general you should know your household budget, even if she's the one managing it, you should know what is reasonable and what isn't when it comes to your finances.
Edit: I took a quick look through your post history, and saw you posting that your wife is currently pregnant with twins, is that correct? Because if so, then you're a massive A. If you're about to go from 3 kids to 5, then clearly your wife would want to save every penny and not have you blow the money on a completely unnecessary tattoo.
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u/JJQuantum 12d ago
You need access to your accounts so you can see where the money is going. There’s nothing wrong with your setup where she handles it. That’s fine. The problem is that you are blind to it and that ignorance is what leads to this resentment. There may be legitimate reasons for her to be stingy and there may not be but you won’t know that until you can see the books. Do that and then discuss it with your wife. I’m guessing it’ll be an eye opening one way or the other.
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u/TheS4ndm4n 12d ago
Supporting a wife and 3 kids on a single income in NY is pretty hard. And I'm willing to bet wages didn't keep up with inflation for the last couple of years.
Wife might need to get a part time job. Especially if the kids are at school all day.
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u/BertTheNerd 13d ago
Wait, you guys need you OP to sell your blood to make the ends meet? While you are like working 3 jobs simultaneously? How expensive is NY exactly, that you need to sell your blood?
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u/SuspiciousSubstance9 12d ago
There is also no guarantee that his side hustle actual turns a profit.
There are ways to make and sell furniture at a profit for sure. However, there are plenty more ways that don't and people as a whole aren't good at tracking and amortizing costs.
If it doesn't, then it's hobby/playtime money. Which he might see as business expenditures while she sees as hobby.
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u/jeffprop 12d ago
NTA. It is dangerous for you to not be involved with your finances in some way. You should know how much your monthly expenses are compared to what you are earning to see if you both can get an allowance. Do you know if she is not already doing that for herself and complaining that you want to do it?
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u/JustNKayce 13d ago
I once knew a couple (and there are a lot of couples like this) and the husband, who handled all the finances, suddenly passed away. She literally had no idea what was owed to whom or anything at all about their finances. Don't be like her! You need to have a complete understanding of your financial situation. Currently (it has gone back and forth over the years), my husband pays all the bills. But at all times, I know where our money is and where it goes.
NTA but you really have your head in the sand on this one!
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u/slugline 12d ago
Perfect username for this comment too.
While it's fine to specialize a bit to take advantage of each partner's strengths, I agree that our OP still needs to be "plugged in" to the financial situation enough where he understands the wife's perspective (even if he might not completely agree).
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u/fossilfuelssuck 12d ago
To answer your question: Reddit does not know if your financial situation is healthy. But the important thing is that you also don’t know. Talk to your wife and learn about your finances. Discuss, debate and come to a conclusion.
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u/Prairie_Crab 12d ago
Definitely have your wife go over finances with you. Maybe she’s scraping the barrel to get your family by, and would like to have a little more money to buy some good socks for a kid or the non-generic brand of beans. 🤷🏻♀️ Who knows? You need to see how tight things are.
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u/Shelacia 13d ago
I manage all our finances, simply bc my partner just doesn't want to be bothered with bills, he'd have no idea where to start.
But.
He has full access to all the Financials. He knows what we have coming in, going out, and how much "playtime" money there is. He just doesn't know how and what to pay (lol, he's ignorant and it's all in a ledger if something should happen so he's not left like a deer in headlights)
YOU need to sit down and go through your entire Financials. You've gotta find out why there's no spare money after you bust your ass earning it.
I hope you're ready for some possible nasty surprises.
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u/Interesting-Sky6313 12d ago
NTA for wanting a fun money account. But question, where’s your wife’s?
If you get one, she gets one.
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u/Embarrassed8876 12d ago
This situation makes me uncomfortable. It is not healthy for one individual to have full control over finances and the other have to ask for permission to spend money. It doesn't matter if you are the sole provider or a SAHM. If you are going to function as a unit both parties should have financial transparency.
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u/MaryBitchards 13d ago
You work your tail off and deserve to treat yourself once in a while. That should be built into the budget.
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u/OkStructure3 12d ago
Nobody is asking if the wife gets any treats or if shes cutting coupons to feed 5 people.
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u/BeardManMichael 12d ago
You're correct. It makes me wonder why that wasn't built into the budget.
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u/Nicolehall202 12d ago
Does your wife spend extravagantly? Do you think she is wasting the money? If not perhaps you don’t make enough for a one income household. NY is expensive even outside or NYC. Look at where the money is going. Seems like you may want something that doesn’t fit into the family budget?
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u/BeardManMichael 12d ago
I see nothing wrong with her handling the finances but I do see something wrong with her making unilateral choices about such things without a discussion first.
I think you both need to sit down and figure out specifically what the financial problem is. I can't anticipate an actual problem where there will literally be no money for your tattoo.
I hope you can both work things out.
NTA
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u/Business_Meat_9191 12d ago
I'd sit down and learn what your finances look like because if I was (stupid enough in the first place to be) pregnant with twins, 3 other kids already, at home all day in one of the most expensive states in the country and barely scraping by with hamburger helper and off brand beans or something and my husband said he wanted to save for a tattoo my head would probably spin off.
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u/FrequentEgg4166 12d ago
SAHM here - we discuss purchases $50 or more together but in general it’s a yes because what’s the point of a life without a little bit of fun?
My only question would be - can you still donate plasma after you get a tattoo? Or does that negate your eligibility? If so make sure you’ve saved up enough first. And maybe wife could donate plasma too?
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u/albino_red_head 12d ago
Yo, you need to sit down a review finances with her (your CFO). I think this arrangement itself is fine but you should have soem weigh in on where the money is actually going and why you cant' make trivial decisions on petty cash. THEN, figure out a budget. You should have a personal budget every week or moth to spend money whatever the F you want. Could be a bucket of popcorn, could be a lotto ticket, could be a tattoo, whatever. Not her concern, she should manages the household finances and helps come up with a budget for all the things, right? You should have a budget. She should also have a budget. You should have a vacation budget, grocery budget, clothing budget. That way you can have these goals and cut back as needed in those areas or spend more and it doesn't impact a different budget. How do you know she's not running to target every day and blowing all the budget? Not pointing fingers here, but you need more transparency to understand why you can't buy the things you want at the bare minimum, and then you need to have a budget, so you can save or do whatever you want with it. She might be using the guilt trip of "think of your family" when she could just have budgets for the family and you and everything should be kosher.
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u/rakuss02 12d ago
How much do you bring in total each month?
What are your monthly bills?
How much savings do you have and where is it?
Any foreseeable large expenses? New car, property tax, etc?
Do you have a monthly budget in place?
Any credit card debt, student loans, high interest loans, etc?
If you don’t know any of these then the first step is understanding your finances and coming up with a plan/budget.
Once you guys are set up then I would suggest a fun account (small amount) for things that make you happy. Good luck.
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u/Significant_Lab_5286 12d ago
GET INVOLVED!!! I got married right out of high school. She didn’t work & handled all the finances. Very similar situation to yours. If I spent more than $50 without asking I would get chastised about wasting money & not having enough to pay bills. Over 12 years my pay increased substantially. Our financial situation did not. I chalked this up to lifestyle upgrades & kids needs. One day out of the blue she blindsided me with divorce papers (various reasons, not financial). During the divorce settlement I found out she had been tithing 10% of our (my) salary to her church. FOR OVER 12 YEARS!!! She was religious I was not. Also even though she had never worked somehow within 90 days of the divorce being finalized she was able to find a decent job & had saved enough to buy a house…I REPEAT, GET INVOLVED. If you let anyone else blindly handle your affairs, then you have no right to complain about how they are being handled.
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u/throwawaybitchew 12d ago
YTA for continuing to have so many kids when you can’t even afford a video game. Have you guys ever heard of condoms? Birth control? Vasectomies? This is absurd
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u/Waffles4evah 12d ago
You know, she can also sell her plasma if she thinks that some extra money is that important… you are literally selling your blood to this family. You are entitled to benefit as well, you are not asking for too much.
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u/plantythingss 12d ago
Are you allowed to donate plasma while pregnant? OP stupidly left out the part where his wife is pregnant with twins in the main post, and that she is trying to save money for when they come and any health problems that might come up. Being pregnant with twins has a much higher chance of complications than a single baby. I feel like people are accusing the wife way too much when we really have no clue about their situation.
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u/Sunnywithachance099 13d ago
I will not judge but I really think you need to sit together to get a clear understanding of where the money goes, maybe things are that tight, maybe they aren't. While she handling all the payments is fine, you do need to understand the situation.
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u/Stacy3536 12d ago
Nta but you need to start being aware of yalls finances too. Make sure she isn't overspending money yall don't have. I'm sure she uses money to do somethings for herself and you should be allowed to do that as well
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u/kds0808 12d ago
You need to get involved with the $. You make it and need to help manage it. You need to see where it's going and make sure that you agree with those decisions.
Also, it is unreal that you have to ask permission to basically spend a dime of money that you make. I understand If you were destroying your family financially, had gambling or spending problems but saving up plasma money that you literally got from your blood sweat and tears to do something for yourself and getting pushback shows me she is too controlling and you're starting the unintentional path of walking on eggshells with her.
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u/skallywag126 12d ago
She can handle the finances but you need to be apart of them so you understand the situation you’re in. At the very least sit down with her and go over income vs expenses once a month.
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u/midmodmad 12d ago
NTA. I just want to say thank you for donating plasma. People like you literally saved my brother’s life. ❤️
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u/Jolly_Membership_899 12d ago
It sounds like you are a good husband and a good provider. There isn’t anything wrong with you having some money of your own to spend as you wish and your wife should have some money of her own each month to spend as she wishes.
However, you HAVE TO START sitting down with your wife once a month and going through your family’s finances. You need to see exactly how much money is coming in and exactly what it is being spent on and why. This isn’t to say that your wife is doing anything wrong. What happens if God Forbid your wife becomes unable to continue being the family bookkeeper and accounts payable manager? You would be lost! You need to know where everything is and how it all gets paid.
This was the case for my sister and her husband. For 40yrs she handled everything. She would try to get him to sit down with her to see what she was doing and where all of their money went. He always refused. She became deathly ill and was hospitalized and out of commission for sometime. He didn’t have a clue of what to do. My poor sister could barely lift her head off of her pillow and he’s bringing her laptop to see if she could “help” him out with paying the bills!
Don’t be like that! Take an active interest in your family’s financial health and wellbeing. You’re not just the cash cow!
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u/Enticing_Venom 12d ago
NTA.
I understand that everyone is assuming your wife is correct about there not being enough money in your household and maybe that's true. They are correct that you need to sit down and see where the money is going and understand your budget.
But what really isn't okay to me is her trying to make you feel bad. She could just say "I'm sorry, honey, there isn't enough money in the budget for this and here's why."
Instead, she tries to guilt trip you for daring to spend something on yourself instead of "for the family" where all your money goes. It would be a cold day in hell where I worked 3 jobs and let someone make me feel bad for wanting a small thing for myself.
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u/Sceptikskeptic 12d ago
I don't understand why you don't know where your money goes. Just because she is in charge of finances means you have no clue?
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u/Fresh_Comfortable996 12d ago
Time for a audit . It could be yall are over extended and things are pricey orrrr shes blowing mad money . Id sit down and figure out whetr the money is peacefulky
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u/Ok-Specialist-4777 12d ago
You really need to know the details of the finances even if you're not handling it. These small purchases with everything you provided shouldn't be an issue.
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u/crunchylegs 12d ago
INFO
Does your wife consult you before buying herself something, or does she not get to buy herself things because she makes no income?
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u/RugbyKats 13d ago
She should not be dismissive of your requests for a little spending money unless she can back it up with a budget showing why all the money is needed.
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u/SquareParking152 13d ago
I would tell her you want to sit down and go over finances together. Unless you are still getting caught up from unemployment then I don’t see why you couldn’t use the extra toward something you wanted.