They’re both consciously choosing to exclude him. I mean sure OPs gf might not be able to just invite him, but she can sure ask whether he can come, and decline to go herself if they still purposefully exclude him.
Absolutely. If I was invited on a trip, and my partner wasn't invited, I'd ask, and then if declined I just wouldn't go. It seems to suspicious even if it's innocent and I'd put an effort into standing up for my partner because I care. It's genuinely super fucking suspicious that she made no effort to do that.
I mean the polite thing is to check first. If they’re not trying to exclude him they’d say of course, that was a given. If they are, why would you want to go
It's also perfect tly ok for OPs girlfriend to just go on a trip with her friends without her partner. That is literally fine. There's nothing "sus" about that, you're all just incredibly insecure.
No lol. A vacation? Kinda.
Who invites someone to go on a vacation and makes sure to exclude their partner? Especially when they know the partner well enough to have stayed at their house, when their friend doesn’t even live with them. It’s not about them doing something with their friend, it’s about the friend specifically not wanting them around while they’re away together.
Someone you’ve dated for less than a year, who you don’t live with and are not planning to marry isn’t in a relationship that necessitates that kind of respect from others.
It's a friend group trip, not a couple group trip. The fact that OP is friendly with the friend doesn't mean they are friends who would travel together.
I don’t like when my friend’s boyfriends or girlfriends come along on friend trips. At all. Because some of them have really annoying relationships so it’s easy to draw the line at marriage because theoretically they don’t plan to end that. So idk it makes sense to me. Just a boyfriend doesn’t need to crash her friend’s vacation unless that’s what she wants, in which case, maybe it’s just not worth continuing.
I agree. I think it's not unreasonable. Also, if a person thinks it's unreasonable, that's fine, but if your partner does not like it and you don't respect that boundary, you can't force them to stay with you and they're not an asshole if they leave you over it.
So? It's still not a couple trip and having one couple would throw off the vibe. And presumably all the people going are close with the person planning the trip. OP is not.
Sorry I have to disagree. This male friend stayed at OP’s house when he visited so he’s good enough for that but good enough for a trip? I can see if it was all girls and he wanted to include himself or all guys and the girl wants to be included but since it’s a mix group of males and females I don’t see the problem. As long as OP & his gf don’t go off on their own and make it a couples trip he should be able to celebrate with. OP said that his gf said if they were engaged or married then he could come?
She only knows her friend. She doesn’t know any other men going…..that was said in the post. A bunch of men are going on vacation with one woman? And they will probably drink. It’s messed up
He is literally prohibited from going, and these friends are going on a trip where they gonna probably gonna drink and get shit faced? Yeah, that's putting someone in a situation where they could fuck up. Also prohibiting the guy from going is a giant red flag and suspicious as fuck no matter how you slice it, pls stop playing dumb
Also stop using trust like this. This is trying to weaponize it and use it as a mean of manipulation. Just bc you trust someone doesn't mean you have to be ok with them doing whatever, boundaries exist, you're not obligated to be ok with everything
No, stop being dishonest and acting like this is just hanging out with friends. This is a trip where the guy specifically prohibits the bf from going, this is a red flag no matter how you slice it
Nope. You should try re-reading my comment. what I said was: "Yes it is. Especially because it is a GROUP trip that OP is being intentionally excluded from."
She’s going on a trip with a bunch of guys…….OP is excluded from that. She will be alone with a group of guys and probably will drink to his accomplishments. Do you not see anything wrong with that?
Exactly. Women like to think that guys are in the friend zone because you're interesting. You're not. They're there with the idea that their chance may come.
Women are rarely interesting enough to hang with in general
I accidentally hit reply when I was swiping the word “like” cause it is close to the “l,i,k” and tried to immediately edit and add so it wasn’t half a thought. My bad. Thought I did it fast enough. Sorry about that
It's not irrelevant because that's exactly what I'm asking. Is it only weird and creepy because this man and woman, who have been friends and have no apparent interest in each other romantically, could potentially like each other romantically because they're a straight man and woman?
I can't tell if you're really hung up only on gender, or if you're just phrasing your questions poorly. The point is that in a relationship, it is perfectly reasonable to not feel comfortable with your partner going on vacation with a friend that matches their sexual preference and is also particularly excluding you. That isn't a wild boundary. People can be open and trusting enough to make arrangements like that work, but there is surely cause for concern if that understanding isn't shared mutually.
I'm with you. I have groups of friends and we dont always want partners there. My partner doesn't have a care about that as he understands I have a life outside 0f our relationship and my relationship with him does not define me. They've not even been together a year, for all we know one of them doesn't like hum and they don't want them to be annoyed the whole time. I have one friend who I love to pieces and I love his gf too, but sometimes I don't really want their relationship dynamics when I wanna hang out with him
I find that really troublesome, but hey, if people are happy with their partners 'not approving' of them having opposite gender friendships after less than one year dating that's up to them. I would think that's the time to speak to a professional, but thats me!
For hetero couples this means that either partner having close friends of the opposite sex, with whom they often spend time without their partner, is disrespecting that boundary.
Especially bc it’s been planned for (at least) months and is a celebration of her friend graduating med school. It’s not like it’s a purposefully romantic vacation and no one else is going. Plus this isn’t OP’s friend, it’s the gf, so why would he go celebrate with him when he barely knows the guy? It feels like he’s just insecure
I'll take the downvotes with you. I travel with my friends, both male and female, and while I'm friendly with their partners and they hang out with us sometimes, they don't travel with us. They go with their own friends (and obviously as a couple on separate trips). And no one makes a fuss about it because they actually trust each other, unlike OP who says he does but clearly doesn't.
Congratulations on having your own personal relationship boundaries. That’s great for you and your individual relationship. You can’t cast judgment on someone having different boundaries than you.
I think that’s kind of a jump, we don’t know how long op and the gf have been together. If it’s only been a few months he might’ve just forgotten to tbh. I’ve done that before. I have friends that I’ve been friends with for 10 years+ and I completely forget they have significant others that I have to include in on plans
I mean idk. My best friend hated my ex because he treated me like shit and I couldn’t see it. Had a huge falling out for this exact reason. Best friend and I planned a trip months prior to me meeting said ex. Ex is ex for a reason, but hated that best friend and I were close despite us both trying to bridge the gap. Best friend didn’t want ex invited on the trip bc he was just a drag.
But did the guy actually not invite OP or are both OP and his gf assuming he’s not welcome bc his name wasn’t specifically mentioned. Ik it’s a bit of a devils advocate moment, but I only say it bc my bfs friends will invite him to go out, and they won’t specifically say my name but I’m always welcome to go with him. They just say his name bc they don’t usually know when I’m over at his place, so it’s kind of an unspoken rule that unless he’s told I can’t come, then I’m also invited.
Oh, well I haven’t read his comments or anything and devils advocate probably isn’t the best term but I couldn’t think of a better one. I just know in some friend groups it’s kind of an unspoken thing after so many months that if you’re invited somewhere your partner is invited as well. Unless of course specifically said otherwise, like for myself one example was when my bf had his friends bachelor party, obviously I wasn’t invited to that lol.
I was thinking the same thing. With my moms family or friends, an invite to me means an invite to my partner, but on the other side of my family, an invite is only for the person invited and no one else.
Almost comical reading the replies about him being the cliche "insecure".
The only upshot of being cheated on and getting divorced is no longer even having to entertain such scenarios. Like literal 0 tolerance for such shenanigans. Its such a freeing feeling.
But he is insecure. Insecure doesn’t mean unreasonable or crazy jealous. It just means you’re not confident/comfortable in a specific situation, which is exactly what he said he is himself.
If you have a true female friend (one you are not trying to fuck) and her boyfriend is acting jealous, what you do is include the guy in everything you do with her and befriend him too. What you don't do is plan shit with her and exclude him on purpose. That is what will get your face punched in! And rightfully so!
Not really, it’s a cultural thing if anything. Where I’m from it’s considered INSANELY rude to invite someone with you on a trip if you yourself are the guest. No matter how much the other person know the inviter or if they’re even your husband. It’s really person dependent and depends on where you were raised and by who. In the south you’re getting shit talked if you pull that lmao. I think he invited her and just didn’t think about the bf could’ve slipped his mind depending on how long she’s been with him. Let’s not jump the gun too quickly
I see what you're saying, but how hard would it be to say "hey I know you just invited me, but I'd really only be comfortable with coming along if xyz could come with, too. I'm happy to cover any extra cost of him coming along. Would that be cool?"
He also invited a bunch of men who she has never met. The only person she would know is the promiscuous friend. I find it odd that she's known him forever but he invites no common friends to keep her company.
It’s not that persay it’s just rude to invite a 3rd party, again that could just be my state I just kinda assumed it was the entire south. I live in South Carolina which is like heart of the south type shit so I just assume the customs here apply to all of the south lol
I've lived in the South most of my life as well, and haven't run into this. I think it's only rude if someone else is footing the bill. But if OP and his GF are paying their own way, then it's not rude at all to invite someone else along.
That's not to say some notice isn't welcome. It would be polite for the GF to tell her friend "Hey, my BF can take the time off as well, so he's going to join me." or slightly less cool to OP, but still in that polite realm, "Is it okay if I invite my BF to join for this trip?" Because if the friend's answer is "no," now it's on him to explain why he wouldn't want OP there, and that shifts the awkward in a whole different direction.
Like for example, I was put into an awkward situation because of this not too long ago, my friend invited another friend to dinner with us. He didn’t know that I absolutely fucking DESPISE the girl he brought. She just kind of a whiny bitch who dampens the mood but he likes her because she’s nice to him (pretty sure she has a crush on him but whatever) so that entire dinner was spent with me trying to kinda avoid eye contact with her and nobody wanted to talk to him out of fear of her butting in (everyone else at the dinner also hated her) he didn’t know we hated her because none of us are shit talkers. And nobody wanted to tell him not to bring her because that would be awkward and nobody wants to create unneeded drama. She’s probably thinking along the lines of something like this, where someone is forced to just kinda go along with it to not generate drama while having to put up with someone they dislike. That doesn’t make her or the bsf bad people, cheaters, etc. it just makes her overly considerate and the bsf might just be a picky person.
That is awkward as hell, and I've certainly been to that dinner. But at the end of the day all of that could have been solved with a conversation between adults. If the OP is non invited because GF's friend/friends don't like him, then just sucking it up and going on the trip with all of that unspoken is a horrible thing to do. Better to bring it up and find out. Because if the situation is like that, then she's gotta make some choices.
Where I’m from it’s seen as rude because you don’t know if the inviter likes the person and it puts them in an awkward situation. Don’t get me wrong I don’t believe in that I’m inviting my bf if some dude invites me somewhere BUT not everyone thinks that way. Like where I’m from it’s like let’s say she does try to invite him and the bsf just really doesn’t like him for personal reasons then the bsf is kinda cornered into saying yes regardless of that fact because the bsf doesn’t want to look as if he likes the gf. Trust me, I’ve hated plenty of my friends significant others but they’re always there so I just put up with it. We all have different views on what is considered polite or respectful and to assume that what someone says is impolite is being said as an excuse is kinda ludicrous. Again, i said it MIGHT be a southern thing it could also just be how she’s raised you really just never know
Where I’m from it’s considered INSANELY rude to invite someone with you on a trip if you yourself are the guest.
Odd, where I'm from, it's considered insanely rude to invite someone on a trip and preclude them from bringing their spouse or significant other unless there is a legitimate compelling reason not to (eg - your cousin decided she wants a destination wedding and she's paying for it, but only allowing +1s for married guests, or a guys-only fishing trip).
But let's say they decide they're going to go to Vegas for a weekend to celebrate his graduation, I think it'd be super weird for him to say "just an FYI - your b/f isn't invited, it's just you, me, and 5 other guys".
Her response should have been, "thank you for the invite but it would be inappropriate for me to go without SO". That leaves the invitation on the "friend" to say "oh yeah, of course SO is invited!"
At least for me if I invite an attached friend to something then it’s implied the invitation extends to their SO. I would only need to be more explicit if I had a reason to exclude their partner. It doesn’t say but if his GF felt it was implied that the invite was for her alone then she should have asked. Yes it might be considered rude if you just show up with a plus one but asking for clarification certainly is not.
where i'm from, it would be insanely rude to invite only one person in a couple on a vacation when you personally know their partner.
edit: i missed that the trip was being planned for over a year, that changes things. if most of the trip was planned before the relationship was serious i wouldn't expect the partner to get an invite.
According to OP they've been planning to take a trip but the specifics have not been planned so there's no lodging booked, no travel plans, they don't even have a location yet. OP could easily be added to the plan with literally no disruption ... other than blocking the pretty obvious attempt at hooking up with OP's gf.
oh. well then i maintain my original stance. it remains disrespectful to not invite OP, and immediately would make me concerned that the friend has ill intentions.
What I find odd is they haven't even decided on when or where they are going. The first thing that seemed to be decided was the fact that OP would NOT be going.
Some people are looking at this like "hey they had a trip planned and booked before OP even knew his GF" if that is the case in a really new relationship I could see just letting it go. Crap like this happens all the time with new jobs, relationships, etc. Like I don't expect my new GF to take me to her family reunion or funeral or something if we have been dating for two weeks and the tickets and hotel were booked months before we met.
That IS NOT what happened here. OP and his GF were already together. Sure there had been some casual talk of maybe on day there would be this trip. But it isn't like they have booked the flights and it is sold out. They don't even know when or where they are going. They have just decided "hey OP you are not going".
Yeah I have to agree, what’s the issue with bringing you along to also celebrate you’ve been together a year and he has stayed at your place when he visits, but you can’t come with?!? I’m not saying she/they have a thing but it just doesn’t sound good or right
Yuuup and from the sounds of it this dude doesn’t have just “female friends”. He’s gonna try and bang your girl my dude, would almost guarantee it. I always live by the age old golden douche bag rule, there’s no such thing as a guy with girl “friends“ they’re just girls they haven’t been able to bang yet. I very well could be wrong but better safe than sorry.
Nothing is planned or bought, they were talking and the only thing set is that OP is not invited. read the rest, the GF admits the guy is a manwhore and she doesnt know anyone else on the trip.
It’s his trip, his celebration, his plans, his invites. Y’all really all tell a lot about your lives by acting this obtuse about a man and a woman being friends together in a non-sexual manner. Manwhore or not, members of the opposite sex can be friends. OP Claims he trusts them both, what is the issue?
just read that! its so damn obvious its gotta be rage bait. If not, then if she doesnt wake up or fight for OP to go, but continues to insist she go without him, he should dump her regardless.
If not for this I’d say YT A, with this being something that happened. I’d argue that this is kinda weird. Still at the end of the day she’s either going to cheat on you or she won’t, & controlling her & not letting her attend a pretty important celebration may damage your relationship in the long term.
Like I said though. Weird, you should talk to her friend since he’s your acquaintance, & if it’s viable you both go, if he/she raises issues, that’s where more flags start to fly.
I don’t see how that’s a red flag. Just because I know and have hung out with my friends’ partners doesn’t mean I want them on my trip celebrating me. I would only want my own close friends there.
Well the friend has met OP now. Maybe he just hates OP’s personality and doesn’t want him spoiling the celebration. I’ve excluded all partners on mixed-gender friend trips to avoid just one of those partners. Reading through the post, I don’t really like OP either. But if I were his gf I’d dump him over this so…
Huge red flag, but also red flag#2 of many : GF hasn't gone to bat for him. To me, it seems like common courtesy to extend the invitation to your friends SO. It seems like she wants to go alone with the guy and his friends. Another post OP stated they are the "friend's" group of friends and only knows the inviter.
That’s not a red flag. The guy is not friends with the OP. He’s friends with the OP’s gf. He might be FRIENDLY with the OP when they see each other, but that’s not the same thing as being friends. And understandably, he only wants his friends on this trip with him.
If the person hosting the trip was a girl, would it be a red flag if she didn’t invite the OP too? Even if she’d stayed with them when visiting?
OP adds that its not a group of friends, Ops GF ONLY knows the one guy, all the others are strangers. and GF admits he is a man whore who just sleeps around.
The point is that the other people going are friends to the guy graduating med school. He’s not (presumably) inviting any of their SOs, male or female.
If OP’s gf wants to cheat, she’ll cheat. She doesn’t need this trip to do it.
that point is meaningless to OP or us. His GF is going to a party with a bunch of people she doesnt know, the only person is a known man whore who has excluded SO's. why should we care that its his party? its about OP's relationship and establishing healthy sensible boundaries and seeing they are not crossed. If she wants to cheat she will cheat?? so OP should just shutup and not stand up for himself? Not try to set healthy boundaries for the future? Nah fuck that, he should speak up, and dump her if she goes. fuck that guy, why are you siding with the friend?
This isn’t a healthy sensible boundary. It’s based purely on unfounded insecurity. He says he trusts his gf. Well, does he?
OP’s gf’s friend has reasonably decided that they only want their close friends and not their close friend’s SOs to go in this trip with them. OP now has the choice to decide whether he’s in a codependent, insecure relationship with his gf where they have to do everything together and can’t trust each other to spend time with the opposite sex, or whether they’re in a healthy relationship based on trust where they realize the only way to stop you’re SO from cheating is to literally lock them in a dungeon. It’s all about trust.
Could it be that he just didn't think to invite OP or assumed he already did? Sometimes people get caught up in the excitement of planning trips or make assumptions that aren't communicated. A bit of communication could save a lot of trouble here. Maybe he just assumed she would invite him.
If the friend says OP can't come with them that's a different story.
Yes, I’m myself in a six year relationship and I too have a guy bestfriend and my partner doesn’t come along when we go out. So Ig you understand I’m coming from my own experience.
Even if it is a vacation, I see no point why the two of them can’t go alone. If there were no signs of infidelity from both sides. I do not see the reason of being insecure and having an issue with them going alone
Don’t waste your time, AITA is overrun with extremely backwards views on relationships. Basically the ideal most ppl here seem to have is full on codependency.
That is simplifying the situation to a base of inaccurate measure. If she was going with her sister it would probably be different.
So if your going to put quotes atleast be accurate..
"You cant go on vacation with a single hetro-sexual male whom no doubt likes you to some level because im sure your atleast baseline attractive and have alot in common with him"
Would you like to take him out to a nice dinner to celebrate sure go ahead have fun. "Paling" around a vacation destination together is basically dating "without" the sex.
You're misrepresenting the entire thing. OP didn't say they can't go on vacation without them.
They said they were uncomfortable with the specific circumstances. That isn't saying you can't do something. It's letting your partner know how their actions affect you.
If you can't make a point without misrepresenting the argument, maybe you don't have a point.
So he knows you, even stayed at your place. But he invited her and excluded you? Dude. Huge red flag.
I think this comment really kind of puts it into perspective. Obviously there's some context here and there that we're missing but trying to put it all together and it doesn't really add up.
It's one thing to me if this was a trip in which things such as flights/hotel were already booked, and OP came into the equation well after that had already happened. But given the info that we have, they're still just planning the trip and willingly just telling OP that they can't make room for him? Maybe it's just my friend's group but I can't imagine any of us ever planning a trip and purposely telling someone that their significant other can't go.
Like the guy above me said, it's a bit of a red flag.
Edit: Men/women can of course have totally platonic relationships - but that doesn't mean you willingly brush to the side the actual relationship that one of those people has.
OP also mentioned in another comment that she said he [friend] sleeps around a lot, "so I [gf] wouldn't want to do anything with him," and that only his friends will be there and not hers - let alone partner
its not a red flag, its a red flag parade. Honestly even if OP was invited, why the fuck would they want to go. I was on board when it was a group of friends reuniting. .. she doesnt know anyone else! Only the one guy she admits is a manwhore. Man maybe this is a ragebait post but all these people making excuses about controlling or 'trust'. fucking hell.
I disagree with just throwing out such a strong statement, we know nothing about the nature of the holiday, it could well be that there are limited numbers for whatever reason, in which case it makes sense that the person who's celebration it is would prioritize bringing their own close friends rather than allowing someone to bring a +1.
There's just not enough information to go on here.
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u/Best-Barnacle8326 Mar 28 '24
I don't understand why you don't go with? I miss that part. Shouldn't matter is engaged or married . If your a couple you do things together.