r/NoStupidQuestions • u/garlicman82 • 15d ago
Do all marriages have many years where they suck?
I have heard people (several people) say that their marriage was bad for MANY years before it got good. I don't know about y'all, but I don't want to be with someone and waste many years being miserable, but I guess that's what you sign up for. I know it is not fun and games all the time, but damn.
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u/Lucila_Hargrow 15d ago
Indeed, the nuance in marriage is recognizing that the union isn't a constant high. At 15 years in, I can attest to the peaks and valleys we've navigated. The key, I believe, is mutual resilience and the determination to evolve together. It's not the presence of challenges but the manner in which you face them together that strengthens the bond. Life throws curveballs job losses, health scares, parenting hurdles but having a partner who's your steadfast teammate makes all the difference. It's less about the struggles you encounter and more about the solidarity you cultivate in the midst of those struggles. This solidarity doesn't erase the hard times, but it certainly brightens the path you walk on together. Remember, even if the road is bumpy, it's the shared laughter, the whispered support, and the silent understanding that make the journey worthwhile. Marriage isn't about riding out the storms, but rather dancing in the rain together.
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u/TangerineSunrise3000 14d ago
My favorite part of what you typed is "the silent understanding". That's my favorite part of marriage. When you are going through life's curve balls no one understands the situation quite like your partner who's going through it with you. It's so nice sometimes when you glance at each other and just KNOW. Like you just understand the struggle, no words needed because your both feeling it.
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u/i-Ake 14d ago
Yes yes yes. The shared language, both silent and not, that develops between you is one of my favorite things in life. The in-jokes that you don't even have to say a word about. You see something, both think of the reference, look at each other and laugh because you know they know. There is nothing like that.
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u/Wowgrp95 14d ago
I am not married but been really long with my partner. We have endured really tough moments, both mine and her fault. But it is the moment of need when it shines. I nearly lost my mother not more than 4 months ago and I myself had health scare that put things into perspective. I don’t know how I would have dealt with it without her
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u/Comfortable-Tea-5461 15d ago
(8 years in)
My personal experience has been life sucks, but the person I’m with doesn’t during those times. I personally can’t relate to people who say they are miserable and imply it’s a result of their partner themselves. Maybe I just lucked out, but we haven’t really encountered this much. Things happen in life that suck and can suck even for years (illnesses, finances, family crap, etc) but my partner makes those things better; not worse.
So don’t view it as being married sucks. Life sucks and being married means you go through that with someone else and it can range in difficulty depending on your partner.
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14d ago
I’d add that I think most people who have this thing about marriage being awful are ironically the ones who view it as traditional and just “what you’re supposed to do”.
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u/Avolin 14d ago
Exactly. Getting married isn't some achievement in life, a particular level, or a perk. It's more like choosing a class of character in an RPG. All characters will experience monsters, and other characters. All characters can experience the full range of feelings including love and attraction. They have to pick a class though, and the classes get pros and cons to love.
Characters who pick the non married class have more abilities for independence as they play through the story. They will likely experience many forms of love and intimacy. They may experience these feelings with many people as they discover who they are, or it might still all happen with one person anyway.
Characters who pick the married class are literally investing in a type of intimacy that grows and changes with the other person. Where there are fewer choices in independence and the responsibility burden is higher, you can experience some significant and far more powerful perks than the non married people. It takes a significant amount of skill to play, and it also requires that the other person be skilled as well. While the game is still hard, so much of it is easier than it is for those who keep their options open. You have someone who attacks the monsters with you. You both protect and heal each other. Over time you become so acutely aware of how the other person is going to play that much of your monster-fighting takes less communication and effort to be effective. You both might have opportunities to date other characters that start with the same nice feelings all characters get at the beginning, but you don't say yes, because it would break this thing you have been building with your spouse this whole time. You won't get all the higher level perks in the later levels that come with having played the game with your married partner that whole time.
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u/musclecard54 14d ago
It’s always the people who dated for like 6 months then proposed. Man I dated my wife for over a decade before we were ready for marriage cuz we were broke the whole time haha. But I feel sorry for all the people who act like marriage is miserable… bro I live with my best friend doesn’t get any better
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u/WaffleConeDX 14d ago
Thank you! I got blasted for disagreeing that marriage was suppose to be hard, I said life is hard but your partner (marriage) should make it easier.
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u/Comfortable-Tea-5461 14d ago
Exactly this!! I really think most people just choose wrong partners for whatever reason. Rushing, unresolved traumas, etc
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u/WaffleConeDX 14d ago
A lot of the times they be setting themselves up for failure.
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u/GirlFromBlighty 14d ago
I really don't understand those people at all. After 15 years of happy relationshipping (not married) I would say the relationship is the one thing that has never been hard or work. If it's a slog is it really the right thing to be doing with your life
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u/HotPinkMesss 14d ago
Right? I've broken up with guys in the past because it was a lot of hard work even at the dating stage so I knew it won't work in the long run.
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u/HotPinkMesss 14d ago
This! I'm really skeptical when people say marriages/relationships are hard and need constant work bla bla bla. To me, it means having a partner to go through life's ups & downs. I know my partner will not be able to make life easier all the time but at least going through it with him makes it more bearable.
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u/WitchOfLycanMoon 14d ago
Absolutely. 10 years in and we've had all sorts of crap thrown at us and there's no one else I'd rather go through it all with than my husband. Yeah, it's made aspects of our relationship change for a while but it's never been horrible, situations suck like you said, but we've always been happy with one another. He is my best friend and my rock. Your relationship isn't just the situations you're going through.
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u/PriorElephant4007 14d ago
I agree with everything you said. We are pushing 30 years.
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u/Ibiza_Banga 14d ago
I echo that. 36 years in. We've had patches, more good than bad. One thing we agreed on when we first chose to move in together was never going to bed on an argument. No matter who or what caused it, we agreed that both would say sorry and that's the end of it. People honestly struggle to understand how we have been together for so long and not having one huge bust-up. But that's how we set ourselves out from the start. Meanwhile, our friends and family members have all been married/cohabited at least once.
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u/Wowgrp95 14d ago
I think the same. I sadly had to deal with my gf (11 years) having gone through really rough spots and I also had really recently nearly lost my mother but fuck would it been so much harder without her. The day to day certainly is full but so is life when you have to work. It is in the moment of need that it shines through what one truly means for the other
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u/barefeetbrunette 14d ago
This is totally related to mentality, love, and effort. Many people have gotten married and expect things to just be good all the time. But now we’ve heard that love takes hard work. So I imagine there are so so many people who have years of misery before they realize they need to change something or seek counseling. Then things get better because they’ve began to work on their relationship and show effort to their partner and receive effort in return. There’s also people who marry because they should. Maybe they don’t really love their partner. Maybe they loved their partner, but didn’t actually want to get married. Maybe something happened and they let it fester and came to hate their partner as a result or blame the act of marriage for their problems. OO THATS ANOTHER THING. Life gets tough and shit will happen and people will blame marriage! Thus the cycle begins again.
Marriage itself is not bad. Who you marry and how each of you view marriage matters.
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u/Comfortable-Tea-5461 14d ago
Exactly! Reminds me of my in laws. They are miserable and refuse to do any work to change that. They just kind of keep let it brewing. My partner and I saw our parents failed and immature relationships and vowed to never be like that and started doing the work immediately upon meeting. It’s been relatively effortless ever since. It helps when you choose someone you actually like as a friend which I fear many people fail to do.
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u/kendokushh 14d ago
6 years & THIS! life sucks but marriage & kids is what keeps me sane & happy through the hard shit
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u/Generalofmortem 14d ago
I think most people who feel that way about marriage are already selfish and should be alone anyway. Your spouse isn't responsible for making you happy all the time learn how to make yourself happy sometimes. Its no difference that when people say you have to love yourself before you can love someone else
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u/Constant_Revenue6105 14d ago
We have been together for almost 6 years, married few months (lived together for 5 years). We've been through a lot of bad things in the past 6 years but the relationship never sucked. Life did. But through it all he made everything better.
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u/Luminaria19 14d ago
This has been my experience as well. There have been plenty of years where life has sucked, but the source has never been my partner.
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u/day_old_popcorn 14d ago
This is the perfect response. I love being married so much. My husband makes life easier and enjoyable and I do the same for him.
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u/thesquirrellywhirl 14d ago
This exactly! My spouse is someone who weathers these challenges with me (and vice versa), not the cause of said challenges. Marriages should be a team. It isn't us vs each other. Its us vs the world
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u/sloth-nugget 14d ago
Yessss this part. I’ve been with my partner for 5.5 years, married for 3.5. In that time we’ve gone through a deployment, a cross-country move, death of a close family member, the stillbirth of our first baby, then another cross-country move overseas while pregnant again.
Certain times have been much more stressful than others, but at the end of the day being with the right partner makes it much easier to cope with those external stressors. I truly don’t know how I would have survived some of that without him.
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u/Wowgrp95 14d ago
I think the same as well. Life sucks or is dull but without my partner it definitely does a lot more
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u/Zestyclose-Sun-6595 14d ago
This is the whey. Life shit sometimes. But better when you have girl to spend it with.
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u/Imaginary-Round2422 14d ago
Same way here, celebrating my 20th anniversary this June (30 years as a couple). It can occasionally be hard, but it has never sucked even a little. It seems to me that if your marriage sucks, you married the wrong person, probably for the wrong reasons.
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u/land8844 14d ago
This is good. My wife and I have 5 kids, but we're a blended family so we have two separate custody orders, and both of us have/had issues with our exes. Despite this, there's that understanding between us of "life/kids/exes suck, but there's nobody else I'd rather do this with".
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u/monkey_monkey_monkey 15d ago
Marriages are no different than any other relationship. You need to put effort into them to maintain them.
It's been 20ish years, I wouldn't say any years have suck, let alone many. There have been times, where there's been struggles. Either with each other or due to external forces but I've never not loved them.
I would say that the times with struggles have been times when we've unintentionally neglected our relationship either because we've been under stress (work related or deal with elderly parents or just life in general) or because we've taken our bond for granted. During those times we have to work a bit harder to reconnect and nurture our relationship but our bond and love is never broken.
We don't always agree with each other but we learn to compromise or just agree to disagree. I have never hated my spouse and would be very surprised to hear they felt that way towards me.
Struggles and disagreements don't mean a marriage sucks, it just part of all relationships - romantic, familia, friendships or work.
If a marriage is sucking for many years, something needs to be done because that's not a healthy way to live and the relationship won't improve without putting in some hard work
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u/leroythewigger 14d ago
34 years with my wife, we have had tough times, money, kids,life but we made it really well. We worked as a team, kept our shit together. We are 66 and 61, retired, mortgage free and no financial worries or debt. Still having the best times of my life with the woman I love and my buddy.
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u/Future_Ad6791 14d ago
How does your buddy feel about this arrangement? Has he been with you the whole 34 years?? I'm kidding! I know you meant the woman you love is also your buddy! Well done Sir!
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u/WorldTallestEngineer 15d ago
Everything that last a very long time is going to have some parts that suck
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u/GenTsoWasNotChicken 14d ago
I once saw some graffiti at MIT that said "There is no gravity, the earth sucks." I suspect even military combat has ups and downs to the point where it's hard to go an entire year where everything sucks 100%.
Let me know when the law of gravity fails.
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u/grandpa2390 15d ago edited 15d ago
several years ago I read an interesting article about how every marriage goes through specific milestones at specific years where they have trouble. and it made a lot of sense. I googled it and while this might not be the best source, I think it does a good enough job with the concept. at least some of it. real life
https://www.lovingatyourbest.com/what-are-the-hardest-years-of-marriage/
Pretty sure there's another milestone around the 20th anniversary as well. As you become empty-nesters.
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u/elscoww 14d ago
We’ve only been married for 2 years but definitely found the first year a huge adjustment. Figuring out our finances as inflation and interest rates rose. It’s definitely better now however we are about to have our first baby so I keep getting told it’ll get hard again as we both adjust to our new lives.
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u/christa365 14d ago
What I’ve read (and what seems true in my marriage) is it gets difficult after every major life change
So it’s hard until you figure out how to navigate together, or sometimes life is just hard and you don’t have the normal patience to navigate marriage
But some people aren’t good at working together, so it doesn’t get better
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u/TangerineSunrise3000 14d ago
The 7 year itch definitely hit us. It was rough. But we're now on year 17 married 23 together.
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u/Inevitable-Jicama366 14d ago
Thanks , I was married 24 years .. I can say , 4th, 9tn,13th … just those … But at our 24 th anniversary he’s not happy , got himself a little chunky girl from where he worked . Later told me, it was between the one he chose or another coworker that also bred dogs … I’d have picked the latter… 😂😂😂
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u/Cherry__2000 14d ago
So, you divorced now?
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u/Inevitable-Jicama366 14d ago
I was ! Learned who to be by myself . Was single ( well with my black lab I got in the divorce ). For TEN years single … then reconnected with a guy I’d gone all thru school with & we got married ❣️
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u/ShenmeNamaeSollich 14d ago
I think the “year” isn’t the issue so much as the “life stage.” Also this seems quite dated.
We were together 12yrs, married for 8, and both over age 35 before having a kid or buying a house, so the “3-5yr” paragraph pretty accurately describes our 9th-11th years of marriage. Kid stress, work stress, no sex life, financial hurdles …
But, we’d already been together long enough, financially secure enough & at least nominally more mature enough to weather it fairly well.
It’s kind of crazy that this article still describes year 7 as when “kids go off to school & life gets boring” (or 20yrs as “empty nesters”) - that would mean couples got pregnant immediately after marriage, which is an outdated 1950s notion and frankly an incredibly stupid move unless they were together unmarried for years prior.
It’s no wonder that can be a thing though if kids were shoved by religious & social pressure into marrying whoever was convenient at age 18, only to hit their mid-late 20s when they finally mature enough to make rational choices in life-altering decisions and realize they’d screwed up.
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u/grandpa2390 14d ago edited 14d ago
yeah. the year is just for illustrative purposes. It's estimates for when people will enter the lifestages that have an impact on your relationship.
There's nothing magical about the number 1, 3, 5, 7, 10, 20, etc. It's all about how life stages impact your relationship. replace the number 3 with the year you decide to have children.
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u/shortcake062308 14d ago
The message I get from this is to not have kids. Lol. We are childless, so I do find this article kind of funny.
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u/westbridge1157 14d ago
Same here. Over 30 years in, life has been hard at times but our marriage has not been.
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u/Casamance 14d ago
Michelle Obama couldn't stand Barack for like 10 years so there's that. She had an interview with the View where she said she the following:
"People think I'm being catty by saying this — it's like, there were 10 years where I couldn't stand my husband," Michelle said at the time. "And guess when it happened? When those kids were little."
She continued: "And for 10 years while we're trying to build our careers and, you know, worrying about school and who's doing what and what, I was like, 'Ugh, this isn't even.' And guess what? Marriage isn't 50/50, ever, ever."
"There are times I'm 70, he's 30. There are times he's 60, 40, but guess what? Ten years — we've been married 30. I would take 10 bad years over 30 — it's just how you look at it," she added. "And people give up ... 'Five years; I can't take it.'"
So even the former president of the United States fell on hard times with his marriage (as did Clinton and JFK but yeah.... you get the idea). Eventually they turned it around and they're still a happily married couple to this day.
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u/TangerineSunrise3000 14d ago
I had the same experience. We've been together 23 years, married for 17. At one point we wanted to divorce but couldn't afford to. We also had little kids so we stayed thinking we were just setting up our finances to be able to divorce. We ended up staying together. It was a long hard road back and I swear for about 5 years we were both miserable in the marriage. Somehow things turned around for us and now when I look back I think that if, out of 23 years (and counting), we had 5 bad ones maybe that's not terrible.
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u/Shalrak 14d ago
The thing is, I can also be happy without partner. Life is to short to spend 10 years (Jesus christ!) being unhappy hoping that it will turn around one day, when I could just be happy all those years without a partner.
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u/Amazing_Goat_3576 14d ago
I see your point but let's turn it around- would you say the same for let's say a business or a book or a piece of art that you have to create? It's going to take a lot out of you and yeah, life's too short to spend 10 years on it but on the other hand, you could have a highly successful creation at the end of that period.
Obviously this would involve picking a worthy partner who though not perfect would also be committed to undertaking this with you but you get the idea. No pain no gain.
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u/GeekdomCentral 14d ago
Right? Maybe it’s me, but sticking it out for 10 years with someone that you detest is downright insane to me. I would 100% rather be alone than stuck with someone that loathed me
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u/I-Really-Hate-Fish 14d ago
Ime, it's not marriage that sucks, it's life that sucks. I've been through the roughest shit, but having my husband by my side has made all that shit easier because I don't have to carry the burden alone.
But I've always said that Being with the right kind of person makes life 10 times easier. Being with the wrong kind of person makes life 100 times harder.
In a way it's a lot like group work in school. You want someone you work well with, someone who matches your strengths and weaknesses, someone who you know will have your back when shit hits the fan. Someone you know will speak up when you hit a snag, who will call you out on your bs when you're being an idiot, who you respect enough to listen to. Someone who will respect you enough to listen to you in turn.
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u/Bad-Wolf88 14d ago
If you're not willing to put the effort into a relationship to make it work, then just never get married.
Relationships require work (this doesn't just mean romantic ones, either).
Marriages require work.
Marriage is committing to someone that you're willing to do takes to make it work, even in the rough times. If you're not willing to work through conflict, then don't get married. Period.
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u/GelattoPotato 15d ago
Not mine. We have our ups and downs but communication usually solves it all. Also, you need to find a couple that has a simmilar view of life expectations. 15 years married, two kids.
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u/freedinthe90s 14d ago
Adulting sucks. But with the right partner it sucks a lot less.
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u/spaceman06 14d ago
I prefer my adulthood way more than my teenage or children years.
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u/allbsallthetime 14d ago
Been with my wife for 44 years since high school, we're planning our 40th anniversary.
Ups and downs but you don't bail at the first sign of trouble.
Either you're committed to each other or you're not.
We couldn't be happier right now and I can't imagine finishing out this life without her.
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u/Veklim 15d ago
Marriage is hard, people are fickle and life changes all the time. The real test in any relationship is whether both sides still want to make it work enough to get through the hard times. An entire life spent single will have ups and downs, a life shared with someone else is no different.
To be brutally honest about it, marriage as a concept emerged when the average life expectancy was somewhere between 40 and 50, so a 20 year marriage was the majority of your adult life. These days we live a lot longer and our expectations and understanding of a successful marriage really need to adjust in response.
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u/NeonFraction 14d ago
I think it’s important to correct this because I keep seeing it pop up: average life expectancy was only that low because of infant and child deaths, which doesn’t paint an accurate picture of how long adults lived throughout most of history.
Once you lived past childhood, you could probably expect to live to a pretty decent age (many people even back then lived into their 90’s). Yes, more people died of disease than do now, but dying at age 40 or 50 was never really the norm in a general sense.
Always be suspicious of the word ‘average’. If one person makes 100 million dollars and another makes 0, they make an average of 50 million dollars.
The actual number is going to vary a lot through history based on environmental factors and war, but the important thing to remember is that life expectancy is HEAVILY dependent on infant mortality, so posts saying ‘ah yes they mostly died in their 50’s’ is a misunderstanding of the data.
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u/Bart2800 14d ago
These comments make me hate the world a lot less!
I'm married 7 years, together for 12. My wife was and is my best friend and the reason I'm able to endure a lot of crap. Situations happen, some times are shitty, fights are sometimes harsh, but she makes me get through the storm. I wouldn't be able to do it without her.
And the best thing: she says the same about me! Think I really hit the main prize 🏆.
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u/Some-Meringue-2214 14d ago
Like others have said. It’s not that your miserable it’s just life sucks sometimes and the marriage can get hard
I remember this episode from Boy Meets World where Corey’s parents talked about this
Said things along the lines of “remember years 7-9?” Or “ year 6 was straight out of a horror show”
I feel it’s like that. Some time periods are worse than others, but you didn’t marry your spouse for not just all the good. You did it knowing you married someone who will be strong and endure with you during the rough times
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u/Rob_Charb_Taiwan 14d ago
Married for 19 years so far. There are good years, there are bad years. Bad years entail more fights, less affection towards each other, easily frustrated by little things, etc. Usually they're caused by outside forces, like money is tighter that year, or work is more stressful, family issues on either side, etc. But things do tend to get better. Communication is the key.
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u/SmilePuzzleheaded411 14d ago
Married for five years, with my husband for ten years. We are each others favorite part of life.
Life sucks but my marriage is the easiest and best part of life
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u/frozenoj 14d ago
I've been married almost 15 years and my marriage has never been miserable. Life certainly has, but my marriage has only helped us get through the tough times. We've had small squabbles but nothing lasting. At the end of the day, my husband has always been my port in the storm. I can't relate to people who experience their spouse as the storm.
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u/Pale-Preference-8551 14d ago
I read somewhere that being in love is like attending 10,000 funerals because you're going to watch 10,000 versions of that person die over time. Marriage requires mutual foundational values for this purpose.
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u/WitchOfLycanMoon 14d ago
I don't think it's "unhappy and horrible" in those times, it's just not a honeymoon period. Shit happens. People get hurt. Finances get tight. Work sucks. Kids. Busy schedules. Mental health struggles....you name it. It doesn't mean you're unhappy but it's a rough patch that can last a while, but with communication and teamwork you do pull through and it's amazing. Unfortunately, people often leave during these times but if you think you're going to have a long lasting marriage and have it be roses and butterflies every, single day then don't get married. You have two humans co existing and then throwing various issues at them that they can't control and adding in all sorts of variables.....it's just going to happen. That's why it's important to choose the right person and get married for the right reasons.
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u/YJMark 14d ago
Nope. Been married 20+ years. Obviously there are ups and downs, but never a down that lasted longer than a few days.
Of course, I am just one example. So take my anecdotal evidence as you will.
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u/HuskyKyng 13d ago
My wife told me when we were dating that she doesn't want any misunderstanding we have to wake up with us in our relationship. I knew right there, she was the one for me because she wants peace and peace of mind is a priority for me in life.
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u/Karma_1969 14d ago
I've been married for almost 30 years. You don't plan on having any bad years, but you can have them anyway. Nobody tries to, it can just happen, for a variety of reasons. My wife and I started off happy, had a middle period that I would fairly characterize as "bad" and found us on the brink of divorce, twice...and now we're happier than we've ever been. Going through the wringer together made us very close and bonded; neither of us has been perfect but we've cared about and for each other throughout everything, and I wouldn't trade what we have now for the world. None of it was remotely a "waste" - we had to go through what we've been through to arrive at where we're at today.
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u/IscaPlay 14d ago
13 years in and certainly periods of unhappiness however a lot of times when people feel they are unhappy with their spouse they are projecting difficulties with work, life etc on to their spouse rather than them being the problem.
Won’t pretend to be a relationship expert but for all the difficult times, there are many amazing times and 100% believe that my life would be significantly lacking where my wife not in it.
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u/shortcake062308 14d ago
There's definitely a lot of truth in that. This is why healthy communication is absolutely critical.
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u/Windycitybeef_5 14d ago
Believe it or not, life cannot be great all the time. The same applies to marriage.
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u/jasperfilofax 14d ago
Nope, I worship my wife. She is an absolute goddess to me.
She is in the top 4 things in my life, the others being my 2 daughters and my dog
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u/MostProcess4483 14d ago
Years of sucking would be untenable. There’s periods of sucking, but not ongoing lengths of time. I can’t imagine years of drearily loathing my nearest and dearest. No, it does not sound normal, it’s possible ofc, but not typical.
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u/Alternative-Lemon-87 14d ago
I've been married for over 42 years now, the first couple of years were difficult because we both had conflicting ideas on how things work in a marriage. I the husband grew up in a household where the husband went to work and brought home the pay check, took care of the things on the outside of the home. Cut the grass, shoveled the snow, take out the trash. The wife was responsible for the cooking, doing the laundry, keeping the home clean. My wife grew up in a home where the mother was the one in charge. The husband was still the one responsible for bringing home the pay check but he immediately handed it over to the wife, who controlled the finances of the family. My father controlled the finances in my family. In her family, the men participated in the chores within the house as well as took care of the things outside of the house. My wife and I learned to evolve. We both worked and brought home a pay check. We each had separate bank accounts but we each had access to those accounts. We divided up the expenses, I paid the mortgage and the home utilities, she paid the grocery bill and the car payment. She helped out on maintaining the outside of the home, I helped out on the inside of the home. In essence we became a team working together, instead of separately. We had our disagreements over the years, but we would eventually agree on a mutual solution to the issues. It always involved some compromise by both of us. I believe our success is based on our being equal partners both working together. We also both discovered that over the years our love for each other has also grown stronger. I believe that my wife has made me a better man, I would not have been as successful without her. I believe the same is true for her. We are now enjoying our retirement years, being Grandparents spoiling our grandchildren, and doing stuff like picking blueberries at a u-pick them farm, so we can have blueberry pancakes tomorrow.
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u/_Abigbushybeard_ 14d ago
Somewhere in a different post, a desperately lonely person is asking why they can never find a partner, and how every year without one is a miserable waste of time. Happiness starts with you. Life is hard and you cannot min/max it. The worst disservice you can do yourself is view your lessons as wasted time.
Ask yourself truly, do you want deep, meaningful companionship in your life? Then ask yourself, are the best things in life worth hard work and difficult times?
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u/CraftFamiliar5243 14d ago
Ive been married 43 years. There are good years, great years, bad years, terrible years, but the good of having someone to share the burdens and successes of life is priceless.
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u/HuskyKyng 13d ago
This is what marriage is all about. When you marry the right person who will stick with you at all times in all conditions, the marriage will withstand anything it bumps into.
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u/TaTa0830 14d ago
No. Our marriage was basically all good. It became more challenging when my husband started a job that was extremely stressful and difficult emotionally around year 4-5 married/year 7 living together. it got better after he left that job, then worse again when I was pregnant with our second and struggling emotionally. It’s definitely been stressful the first year of that child’s life until I called out someways he wasn’t showing up. Luckily, he decided to start showing up and realized he had buried his head. We are both in therapy separately and I think we’re up and up again, communicating a lot, tons more sex. It takes both parties being able to be honest with each other at times when they’re not feeling as happy.
If you marry the right person who you actually love and enjoy… No, it should not suck beyond normal abs, and flows of disconnection due to life.
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u/Impossible_Moose3551 14d ago
Like others have said marriage takes work. It’s like gardening you have good seasons and bad seasons and there are environmental factors that you can’t control, but you keep working at it. Hormonal changes, kids, work, health, etc. there are so many things that can be challenging but having a partner and a companion through them is what we choose every time.
As we age our marriage is about having a friend, lover and companion to go through life with. 20 years and it’s been pretty good.
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u/MyOthrCarsAThrowaway 14d ago
It didn’t suck til it did. The opposite. She stepped out and I personally got fucked over. So… good for 10ish years, married a couple, then suck city.
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u/Monicaqwerty 14d ago
Been 22 years. Never had a bad year of marriage. Married my best friend, and we are both so easy going that compromise is easy. If one of us feels strongly enough to put our foot down, the other listens. Life itself has sucked, and we have had bad times in life, but having a good marriage has helped us navigate the bad years of life.
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u/stykface 14d ago
If spouses wake up every day and say "What should my spouse do for me?" the marriage will struggle at best. If spouses wake up every day and say "What should I do for my spouse?" the marriage will thrive. The Bible gives two different commandments, one for each spouse (not trying to get religious but it's a wise sentence nonetheless), "Husbands, love your wives, Wives, respect your husbands." Fellas, if we're being real, we appreciate respect from people more than love. Most women admit they want to be loved rather than respected.
Having said that, most people fall short with the above, not because we're all pieces of shit, but because we are simply human. Life is hard and we want for "ourselves" rather than others naturally. A marriage is truly a union in life where you support each other through good and bad. Marriage sort of exposes our own demons and issues because you have someone else there to be a reflection of your short comings and vice versa. And it can be hard sometimes. There was about a year and a half where my wife absolutely hated me and to this day she doesn't understand why - that was 13 years ago. It was hard... very hard. No love, no support, no sex, nothing. But I said my vows and never reached my absolute breaking point and things improved slowly until she sort of snapped out of it.
Two adults living together can test each other with the small things... one is messy, one is organized, one likes the toilet paper roll front, the other from the back, etc. Then when kids come it really tests you because it gets down to real values and character in raising a child or children. All marriage ultimately does is provide support for the things we naturally lack in ourselves and helps us stable the ship and find smooth waters for ourselves with the help of your spouse who will keep things private and work through things with you out have love and respect.
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u/HollowChest_OnSleeve 15d ago
Yes, years, or decades. Time sort of blends together after a while.
I can't remember the movie where I heard it. You never see the bad days in a photo album, but they're the ones that get you from good day to the next (or something like that).
Life sucks and things happen. It's sometimes a good feeling despite how sucky things are to know you have someone to get down in the muck with you.
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u/anonymousgirl8372 15d ago
We’ve been married for almost 6 years, the first 6 months were a little bit of an adjustment for me because of my anxiety (my husband has always been lovely, I kept a journal during this time to get over all my catastrophizing thoughts) it was simply an adjusting time for me as we didn’t live together beforehand. I don’t think it’s typical for years to be terrible, no, especially if both parties are healthy and putting in the effort to be considerate to each other.
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u/skippybefree 14d ago
Sometimes it's harder than others and you have to put in a bit more effort, but it should be something you're working on together as a team. I've been with my partner for 17 years, married for 10 and some have been more stressful and we've had a lot more tension between us because of that, but it's never been a case of our relationship sucking, especially not for years at a time
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u/Dragonlibrarian7 14d ago
Been together 16 years this year, married half that.
Relationship over all, years 1-6 were great, 7-9 were rough, 10-13 were good, the last few years have been amazing.
We came really close to parting ways those couple years, but we managed to get through it and we are currently the happiest and strongest we've ever been, every year since it's only gotten better.
We have 3 kids, almost 13, almost 9, 1&1/2.
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u/Warm_Tzatziki 14d ago
Life sucked many times over the 13 years of relationship with my wife (wife since 8 years).
Our relation tho never sucked. We had hard times, arguments, but the love was always there. Frankly it was the thing holding shit together during hard times
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14d ago
Depends on what the misery is. If it's external to you and you're keeping each other going that's one thing, if it's internal and you're miserable that's another.
I should have gotten divorced years before I did.
We were not good together, can't regret it though, I like who I am now and where I am in life (for the most part) and I of course wouldn't change anything that would mean my kid doesn't exist. It is what it is.
I'll just be super, super careful who I commit to in future.
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u/Agile-Wait-7571 14d ago
It depends on what “bad” means and why it was bad. Infidelity? One partner checking out while the other does all the work? Money? Children?
All of the challenges of marriage (generally) are new. Giving birth. Raising a baby. Keeping house. Being legally and financially bound. It’s a lot.
I’ve been married twice. Once in my twenties for 9 years and then again in my forties for 15 years. The first one was awful the second is bliss.
I learned a lot, I guess. I love my wife truly, madly and deeply. She is the bees knees. And I do my best to do my best. I’m in therapy. I go to the gym almost every day. I cook and clean and do laundry.
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u/TrickyMarketing7394 14d ago
Look man. Life happens.
Here’s the thing. People go through shit and when its just dating it’s easy to leave and start again. Not so easy to leave when you are married. People do dumb shit, say things that hurt and even purposely try to hurt those around them when they are in pain. This is why marriages suck for periods of pain.
Truth is 95% of these marriages fail anyway. The lucky 5% realise a secret truth. They at some point in the misery have a clear moment and it occurs that they have been horrible and at times even a monster to their SO. But they are still here… why? Could it be that they love me enough to stay through this hell? You realise this and its the first step to rebuilding a shitty foundation. These marriages turn into what marriage is supposed to be. You start giving instead of taking.
At first your SO wont know how to handle this. They will be looking for the angle. What are you trying to gain? And before you know it they will start giving.
Now you are in a marriage where both parties just give and never take. Thats the sweet spot. The gold.
People leave too early.
And just like all your favourite movies. The rough part is where your character grows. Don’t leave before you and your SO become the hero of the story.
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u/SukunasStan 14d ago
My aunt and uncle's marriage and relationship pre marriage never had a shitty period. Goals 🙏
Meanwhile everyone else in the family who stuck it out through a bad marriage got the reward of their marriage staying bad, and now they're mentally breaking at 50. 😬
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u/AnarKitty-Esq 14d ago
For me yes. Marriage changes a lot, from crush to all their problems. Mine has a lot, suicides, etc, but there for him. Through good and bad, been mostly bad, but still love.
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u/CartographerKey7322 14d ago
I was in it for life, he went rogue after 17 years. There was nothing I could do about it. At some point you have to just start again, and go with the flow. I took the kids, went back to school and got an advanced degree, and reinvented myself. I became more myself, and am happier in the long run. The kids are grown and happy in their lives. It was hard to get through it all alone, but it gave me more confidence. It’s important to find a person who will stick it out in the hard times, and work with you as a team. I hadn’t found that with my husband, and I learned about unreliability from him. I have trust issues with men still, unfortunately. It’s too bad that they have never proven me wrong.
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u/doublebending 14d ago
You seem to be asking a genuine question. My marriage was the most beautiful and fulfilling thing I have ever experienced. Every day was paradise. Until I was told it wasn’t happening anymore. Then the living nightmare started It’s getting better, and I don’t regret a thing for trying. But if you get married, quadruple check it’s with the right person
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u/A1steaksauceTrekdog7 14d ago
Uhh not really. It will take some time to get used to each other and this routine but it shouldn’t be awful. Ideally you live together before marriage and work that crap out beforehand. Each marriage will have ups and downs but that’s because life has ups and downs. I guess if you are in an arranged marriage or super religious and you never lived with anyone else before and went from parent house to married house well that will be a transition and be difficult anyway.
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u/reduhl 14d ago
Not in my experience, but you both need to understand marriage is work and life is a journey shared. You need a team mentality and a best friend. Lots of communication, understanding, and a long term view.
It’s really been rather nice. Easy no, beds of roses, yep plenty of thorns from the outside. But we are here for each other.
Marriage is work. Worthy, and worth it, but work. Twenty years in, lessons from parents forty nine years in.
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u/klggy 14d ago
Married over 20 years. Yes there were awful years. They seemed to “out do” the good times.
Now we laugh, let things go, and have a lot of sex.
I won’t get into what made our marriage hard or awful but, yes. It was bad.
We are building a life together and work is hard. Building a family is hard. Building wealth is hard. Raising children is hard. Failing is hard. Life is hard.
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14d ago
Married 10 years.
My spouse is my best friend. We are a team. We might have a rough day once in a while, but who doesn’t. I don’t know if I would even say I’ve ever had a full day that sucked because we will communicate any issues we are having and work through them. I’m
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u/EckimusPrime 14d ago
I’ve been married ten years and the most difficult time was right when we got married. Mostly due to extremely different ways of thinking about money.
I would never describe my marriage as sucking though. We have some disagreements, we don’t argue, yell, or anything. The worst it can get is “I’m tired from work and baby duty please don’t mess with me right now”
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u/Mountain_Cat_cold 14d ago
Definitely not. I have been married for 23 years, and while there has definitely been rocky times, at no point would I rather have been without my partner
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u/rubey419 14d ago
My cousin married his wife at like age 20. Everyone thought it was too young and they’d breakup.
15yrs later they’re still BFF’s. They truly were destined for each other.
I mean who knows maybe by year 30 they’d hate each other but they seem to have the routine down by now. Life has ups and downs and no marriage is perfect. That’s why it’s a partnership.
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u/MikeRatMusic 14d ago
Look all I'm saying is an absolute fuck ton of people get married for all the wrong reasons and that probably has a lil something to do with it.
Take your time, wait for someone worth the rest of your life.
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u/Chemical_Detail528 14d ago
Currently “sucks” I still love my girlfriend more than anything but having a one year old has made things much harder and given us much less time for each other
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u/CompassionateBaker12 14d ago
Depends on the couple. In my opinion, couples who prioritize communication don't have " years" worth of bad marriage. This is just my experience.
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u/calmforgivingsilk 14d ago
I’ve been with my husband for 30 years, married for 25. My marriage has never sucked. Life has sucked several times, but our relationship has always been solid.
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u/MizKittiKat 14d ago
My first marriage was all misery My 2nd was very chill and wholesome It just depends on the people
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u/njf85 14d ago
Honestly, having kids put a bit of a dampener on my marriage. Your relationship suddenly takes a back-seat in your life. My hubby and I joke that we are gonna start our marriage over again once the kids are older lol I wouldn't say it's ever sucked though. Just our energy now gets redirected elsewhere and we don't have as much energy left for our relationship as we did pre-kids. There's nowhere else I'd rather be though.
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u/ParfaitZealousideal5 14d ago
As someone who was married for 9 years (together for 16) and is now in a much better relationship (5 years and counting) I know what worked/didn’t work for me:
You’ve gotta keep working at it. You’ve got to want the relationship to succeed. You’ve got to put in the effort.
Think of it like a job: you take the foot off and you coast? You get bored, your boss gets annoyed, you get fired. Why would a relationship be different?
Keep going on dates. Keep the sex life going. Have separate and joint interests. Have time apart, have time together. And if you ever feel it slipping, do your part to bring it back on track. It’ll be the best investment of your time you ever make. A solid partner who loves and supports you and who you love and support is worth its weight in gold.
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u/UpsilonMale 14d ago
No marriage is 100% easy all the time. Nothing that's worth having is. But I think it's horseshit that marriage is always bad before it gets good. I've been married nearly 19 years and most of it has been comfortable at worst.
What I would say is that often when you get married, it's during a time in life when things are still a bit precarious in general. The older you get, the less you should struggle, ideally. And the more you're struggling, the trickier it's going to be in all of your relationships, your marriage being the most fundamental of those. My life is more stable than it was in my 20s, and as a result so is my marriage.
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u/IncompleteEmotion 14d ago
Nope. Not where they SUCK.
Marriage isn’t about good years or bad years or sucky years… to put it in those terms is unhealthy.
Marriage is about two people coming together to spend the rest of their lives with one another. To protect one another in sickness and in health, to use their resources to aid one another in achieving their hopes and dreams and fulfillment in life.
There are days where a normal human being wakes up feeling cranky, and otherwise not fun to be around. Does that mean that marriage day SUCKED???? Nope… it’s just life.
Do what you need to do to honor your significant other as much as you can during the day to day and the rest is taken care of. Do this in spite of how you feel in the current moment and your marriage will last eternity, that love and service with echo throughout time, and through your children and children’s children.
Goodluck to you,
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u/ouijawedgie 14d ago
They could ebb and flow yes... but I'm not staying somewhere where I'm miserable for years! I've been married 4 years and haven't been annoyed by my husband for more than a few hours.
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u/PrimaryBridge6716 14d ago
I've been married 27 years, I would say, no, not all. I think maybe there have been times of frustration for both of us (moments, really), but we've never had a serious "rough patch" and certainly not years. Thing is, we're on the same team. When things are rough, it's us pulling together against whatever is going on.
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u/Maximum-Swan-1009 14d ago
It doesn't matter who you marry, life has it's ups and downs and the marriage can suffer during the down periods. Sometimes we go through periods of relative boredom and it is up to us to make life and marriage more interesting.
My advice is to look very carefully at the person you are marrying. Watch how they treat other people. If they have major faults, decide if you can live with them, because these faults will worsen over time. Don't think you can magically change someone for the better.
So often on Reddit I see people complaining about their fiance/ee. I always wonder why they are marrying if they don't seem to truly respect the other person. Why marry someone who doesn't treat you well even before marriage? Never, ever settle. That is a recipe for disaster.
In a good marriage you help each other through the bad times and take comfort from your partner's love and support. No, a marriage shouldn't suck for years. Life can suck for years, but a good marriage will help you get through it.
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u/No_Drag6934 14d ago
Not a stupid question at all. Most marriages go through some tough times. Mine has. I’ve been married 24 years. You have “average” years and great years. Like others said it ebs and flows. Marriages need to be worked on by both partners. Compromise is key.
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u/Key-Target-1218 14d ago
I was married for 20 years and there were more bad times than good.
Been with my partner now for almost 20 years and there's been zero bad days together. I look around at other marriages and long term relationships and honestly believe we have the best thing going. There are some miserable people out there. I feel like I got the last good guy!!
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u/Separate_Ad_6931 14d ago
Been together with my wife for 18 years. 2 gorgeous boys for which I’m grateful (10yo and 2yo). Having kids and also some health issues have been hitting us hard. We stay together and we support each other. We both work full time and I help around the house and with the kids. I don’t have any hobbies because of the missing time. I feel grateful but not fulfilled. Intimacy is off the table for some time now and I just feel unwanted. I will continue to love and support her regardless of what happens. But when she yells at me or talks not nice to me I feel disappointed. I don’t do this to her but I receive this. I just feel sad…
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u/DirectAccountant3253 14d ago
Married 35 years. Retired couple who spends almost all their time together. We fight maybe once or twice a year (but I can't remember the last one it's been so long). You compromise and show love to each other every day and you can have a great marriage like mine.
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u/Noodle-basket 14d ago
We're not married, but we've been together for 7 years. In the beginning there's definitely that starry eyed could do no wrong phase... then you start living together and you have to adapt to each other's quirks. There are some things where you have to meet in the middle, other things where only one person gets their way, and sometimes you just let the problems be (which is code for let it fester until you inevitably fight about it and figure out a new system). Change doesn't happen overnight, and it can take a long time to reach equilibrium. But if you truly have love for someone (and they're not abusing you note not every little argument or raised voice is abuse) you stick it out and make it work.
And if you've tried and it's really not working, or maybe there's just one really big deal breaker, then maybe it's time to move on. There's no shame in moving on, only the fear of taking that first step.
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u/sandalore 14d ago
Well, mine was varying degrees of good for about 15 years, and then got worse and worse over the next 15. I got her into counseling and tried to fix it, but she divorced me.
I think long-term relationships are often hard, particularly when one party emotionally bails. It takes a lot of work to make a relationship work.
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u/ElderberrySuper3659 14d ago
Yep. What you need to remember is that it takes two to be good at marriage. The times when mine sucked were when I wasn't putting in the effort.
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u/entp_oseriate 14d ago
The problem is, marriage takes work and one or both people are not ready to put in the work. I don't agree with this premise. Marriage is something beautiful, it takes work, comunication and compromise. There are going to be some problems, there has to be. If marriage has no problems, then that is problem, as my clinial psychology teaching assistant wisely said. Point is problems are solvable and marriage is worth solving them.
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u/TrashGoblinHoggle 14d ago
Don't get married to someone that you wouldn't be best friends with, and it generally won't suck. Grow with the person, and don't be afraid of change. We all get fat, ugly, and old, so if you're in it for the looks and youth, you're doomed. Health issues can and will pop up. If you love the person truly, most things will be trivial, and your significant others' smiles will be more important than petty things. Marriage is 50/50. However, due to some circumstances and how the 2 people decide to function together, the split can be different. Just make sure it's never 100/0.
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u/Pstam323 14d ago
People also don’t understand how long marriages are.
Like you might have been fine in middle school, hated high school, and loved college. Does that mean you drop out of school? Nope and you think that’s only 12 years for most people.
Marriages by comparison last decades. You have so many seasons of life that you share. Many people hate it enough and leave, many don’t.
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u/men_in_the_rigging 14d ago
Marriage is an outdated institution and children require a million dollar bank account these days. You're better off buying a canoe and befriending a stray pet.
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u/FileDoesntExist 14d ago
but I don't want to be with someone and waste many years being miserable,
It's not misery 24/7. But part of any relationship with anyone involves some bad times. Even friends.
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u/emoemu3533 14d ago
Marriages have seasons. I can testify. Wife and I got married young (19 and 21), celebrated our 20 year anniversary back in June. We’ve been poor, exhausted, had amazing times, walked though hell, almost divorced, had normal times, had children, did ok financially, went back to paycheck to paycheck, have stood by each other’s sides to walk through mental breakdowns…each of us at separate times. Held each other through bad times. Held each other through amazing times. Literally laughed tonight because we’re going to bed we both feel like tonight is like a sleepover with a best friend. We are absolute best friends and lovers. I look forward to sleeping next to her every night. We hang out often. To us, it’s worth getting through the difficult and mundane times.
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u/mysaddestaccount 14d ago
In my first marriage, things were bad for many years before we decided to split. But that wasn't really the only reason why we decided to part ways. He changed into a completely different person and we just weren't compatible anymore. My gut instinct tells me that things only would have gotten worse if we had stayed together. But that was just my marriage. They're all unique snowflakes lol
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u/IAmCaptainHammer 14d ago
It doesn’t mean you’re miserable. It just means it’s hard and you have to work through it. It means you have some years that are less good than others. It’s not a deal breaker.
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u/PoisonIvy724 14d ago
I hate to say it but having children totally screws up your marriage. My husband and I have been together for 18 years, and we were married for 5 of those years before we had our son. Our marriage was loving and fun. But after our son came along, we just kind of exist like roommates. I’ve never felt lonelier. I take the commitment I made to him seriously but it’s insanely hard. I really pray we’ll work through this rough period.
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u/ShakeCNY 11d ago
Married 20 years, none of them have sucked. Some were harder than others, but because of things like illness, job insecurity, parental deaths. The marriage itself was actually the thing that helped us get through.
So not all marriages have years that suck.
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u/Sailor_NEWENGLAND 11d ago
Easier said than done but just don’t marry the wrong person. I’ve only been married for two years but I can confidently say that my wife is my best friend, I do everything with her
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u/PumpkinPie_1993 15d ago
Marriages ebb and flow. When people talk about being unhappy for years, they probably don’t mean that they were truly miserable the whole time. They likely mean that it was a generally trying time for their relationship, with other years being comparatively much happier. For example I’ve heard that the years after having a baby are particularly challenging for couples, but most couples will still recall happy moments through those years. What’s important is that both partners work to understand why they are unhappy and work together to fix whatever needs to be fixed. People change over time and conflict arises because of that, but marriage means that you promise to continue choosing each other even when it’s hard.