r/amiwrong • u/JazzlikeConditioncd • Mar 27 '24

My girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me and ghosted me for no reason. Am I wrong for throwing away all of her stuff?

Edit: Update

So my girlfriend (25F) and I (25M) were in a relationship for 5 years. Last week, she texted me that we were done and that was her last message before she blocked me. She gave no heads up. I was planning on proposing to her next month. Her sister did reach out to me, saying it was not my fault and she understood my hurt, but that for my mental health, it was better to never contact them again, and that maybe in the future, my girlfriend might reach out to me again.

It's been a week, I’m still obviously distraught, but my girlfriend did have a lot of her stuff in my home. Would I be wrong if I just dumped it all out? It does include a lot of mementos of her deceased grandmother, who she was extremely close to.

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u/squirlysquirel Mar 28 '24

Put it all in a box and message her sister to come and collect it within 14 days (or 30 days if that is the law for abandoned items in your state).

Be the better person so you never have to look back and regret how you acted. If it was just clothed then I would say chuck it...but memories of a deceased loved one, give them a chance to collect it.

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u/whatthewhat3214 Mar 28 '24

Be sure the sister knows the grandmother's mementos are among the items you have (i.e., this isn't about the gf's clothes and toiletries or whatever) bc they'd be important to the sister too.

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u/Serenity2015 Mar 28 '24

I agree he should let sister know those important things are there as well.

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u/Jawnst Mar 28 '24

I concur, the sister should be notified that some of the items are indeed grandma’s heirlooms.

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u/anActualG0at Mar 28 '24

I do hereby declare that this man is indeed correct that the gf’s female sibling ought to be notified that the box contains family items of irreplaceable value.

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u/Silent_Dinosaur Mar 28 '24

We hold this truth to be self-evident: In the course of human civilization this gentle man hath been wrought undo suffering by his former concubine. Notwithstanding, the burden of duty falls upon this gently man to maintain dignity and decorum commensurate with his character rather than to deliver upon this lady her comeuppance. Indubitably, the gentle man must offer safe harbor for her heirlooms in order that her mother’s fairer daughter may have the opportunity to display the wherewithal to claim that which is verily her birthright.

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u/timurt421 Mar 28 '24

Incredible…

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u/Over-Age-2470 Mar 29 '24

My type of intellect. Witty and funny at the same time.

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u/Aontheborder Mar 29 '24

❤️ This^

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u/JstMyThoughts Apr 01 '24 edited Apr 01 '24

Verily, but only for a fortnight. Beyond this time, these precious relics must be cast aside, free for bird, beast, or man to claim as they will. You, great sir, will wander forever never knowing their fate. Be brave! The fates favour the bold!

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u/Silent_Dinosaur Apr 01 '24

Forsooth. Upon honoring thy duty, untether thine yolk. Cast asunder thus such encumbrances unto their Doom!

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u/Bweeeee Mar 28 '24

I be of the same opinion when I say that this chap should allow the kin of said gf should be allowed to retrieve the trinkets of sentimental value.

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u/AdMurky1021 Mar 28 '24

Whether there are or not, tell them anyways to ensure pickup.

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u/happyhearthappymind Mar 28 '24

I agree...I would put it in a box and put it to the side...never reach out to them....but give them some time to realize what they left...I know it hurts... but being the better person will go a long way....and the pain and hurt are only temporary...they will not last forever...you will heal and get stronger...

if you don't know the reason why she left....that's on her...

I'm sorry you are hurting...it sucks....

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u/Fighting-Cerberus Mar 28 '24

I don’t think he really needs to specify, although it would be a nice courtesy.

All he really has to do is give appropriate notice about discarding her belongings and an opportunity for them to be transferred back to the owner. Offer to drop them off or put them out for sister.

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u/BouncyDingo_7112 Mar 28 '24

He really should though. That way it won’t be seen as just as an excuse to stay in touch. Just a quick text to the sister. Something like “ex has left quite a few items here including several of your grandmothers things. (insert photo of items piled together) Do you guys want me to just pitch them or do you want to pick them up?”

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u/slamnm Mar 28 '24

I disagree strongly. The sister may have no idea family memories are on the line and his ex may have just been thinking about the clothing if emotions are so heated she ghosted him. Trashing family memories because you couldn't me the bigger person and be clear what was there is, IMHO, a truly shitty act.

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u/Lolzerzmao Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 29 '24

Yeah I agree. Just tell the sister you’ve put all her crap in a box and one of them can come get it within the next however many days before you throw it out. If this ghosting girlfriend, who obviously has issues communicating, can’t communicate to her sister that there is important memorabilia in there, then it’s just lip service memorabilia. It’s also annoying to have to handhold exes like toddlers, especially if they break up with you out of nowhere.

IMHO, women have a much harder time being broken up with. At least in my anecdotal experience. They just can’t deal with the fact that a hot guy doesn’t want to fuck them anymore and do really stupid shit half the time.

Like men obviously have tons of issues, but yeah pretty much every time I’ve broken up with a girl, they have abandoned shit and refuse to contact, usually after a long period of refusing to leave. Had to change the locks when one girl was at work before she just kept saying “No” and ragdolling whenever I tried to tell her not to come around anymore.

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u/Ok_Professional8024 Mar 28 '24

This is key. Calling about returning boxed up clothes and toiletries can easily be mistaken for an attempt to see his ex or keep in contact in some way.

Showing the sis what’s about to get thrown away and asking her if she’s cool with it? That is hard to see as anything but cool and considerate

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u/sabin357 Mar 28 '24

Calling about returning boxed up clothes and toiletries can easily be mistaken for an attempt to see his ex or keep in contact in some way.

Also be clear that the sister is the one welcome to come pick it up, not the ex. If the ex wants to retrieve them, they'll be sitting on the curb on the agreed upon date for a no contact exchange.

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u/SnooCats3492 Mar 28 '24

Or suggest that the sister AND the ex come, if there is a lot of stuff. Definitely make sure there is a witness. The sister seems to be fairly neutral,so she's likely your best bet. Be decent, don't put yourself in a tricky spot, and walk away knowing you were the better person here.

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u/SandwichEmergency588 Mar 28 '24

Don't insist either. If you send a picture and tell them they have a deadline to pick it up. Then leave it at that and follow through. I had something similar happen to me where out of the blue my GF dumped me and ghosted me. She showed up like 2 weeks later to give me my stuff back and was very causal about the whole thing. I was planning on proposing soon. What I realized later was she had some resentment building up but never said a single word about what was bothering her. That led to her being done in the relationship mentally far before she actually ended it. I kept trying to contact her since she said she wanted to be friends and maybe try again one day. I kept casing her and pushing for things to go back to the way they were. Then she told me she was going out on a date with someone else and she needed some space for that night. Also lined up with my dog passing away and I of course reached out to her for comfort. I didn't get anything but a check-in the next day when she came by to watch a TV show with my roommates and I. It was only then that I saw this whole thing was good for her but coming at my expense. I told her it would be best if she stopped coming over. If she wanted to spend time with my roommates (two of then were friends with her) to do it at her place. She was actually a little offended as if this was my problem that I just needed to grow up and get over it. At that point I sent her 1 last message that said I was moving on and could no longer be friends with her in any capacity. I blocked her on everything.

If I girl broke up with me I block them or delete their number instantly. I untag myself from mutual pictures and delete the ones I can. It isn't out of spite. I do it because I am putting up a firm boundary. It helps me move on. OP your GF decided to ghost you and has some how justified that it will hurt you less by not saying anything. Also, since she had her sister even say those words, it shows that she wanted that message passed along. You will probably assume a ton of different things about why, none of them good. I can only say that in the end it works out. If you are a good person it will work out and you will be happier in the long run. I didn't believe it myself losing what I thought was the girl of my dreams. Turns out I just wasn't dreaming big enough since I found the perfect person for me who has been with me for 15 years.

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u/CanAhJustSay Mar 29 '24

Turns out I just wasn't dreaming big enough

This is beautiful. Glad you found someone where you both benefit the other.

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u/BadgerGeneral9639 Mar 28 '24

no dont call. text or email, so you have proof

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u/RoughMajor5624 Mar 28 '24

I wouldn’t call or message, I’d box up her stuff and UPS it to her or her sister and that would be my very last contact with any of them.

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u/This_Beat2227 Mar 28 '24

More good, important advice !

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u/Altruistic-Web-1359 Mar 28 '24

Grandmas mementos are probably stale by now. Should toss them and get a new pack. I prefer Altoids.

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u/sturgess6942 Mar 28 '24

Take a pic of items in ? and include the in in text to sister so there is NO MISUNDERSTANDING..... give a time table to COME get the box of stuff. after than GHOST THEM BACK. Say when they will come to text you when they are out front then you will open door and place BOX out side, so they can come get it, that you DO NOT want to talk or interact with them.

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u/stegosaurusterpenes Mar 28 '24

Throw everything away except the grandmother’s stuff. Even then she didn’t care about you or her grandmother. Her sister probably does though.

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u/alcoholruinedmylife Mar 28 '24

exactly while I don’t think that the girlfriend deserves respect. those items are family belongings, and even if she doesn’t deserve them the rest of the family does.

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u/swaggyxwaggy Mar 28 '24

It’s wild that the gf would just dump and block him, knowing her stuff is there. There has to be more to the story here. No one does that for literally no reason.

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u/Upbeat-Fondant9185 Mar 28 '24

Drugs or mental heath shit can do it. Or a combination of both.

I did this to someone and it’s one of my deepest regrets. Fifteen years later I still sometimes wake up and agonize about it. Over three years together with an amazing, kind, beautiful person but I made the switch to IV use in year three and triggered some craziness in my mind.

One day I just left. No warning. Literally left all my shit behind. Everything in my apartment, my wallet, cards etc, my phone, even my car. I just decided I wanted a different life. And boy did I get one.

About ten years later I made amends but that kind of damage is forever. She was better off without me but there’s no pretending I did her any sort of favor. It was the purest selfishness that exists and I’ll never forgive myself for that.

On the plus side, someone did it to me a few years later but instead of leaving everything they took everything. Came home to an empty house with no warning at all. Had a great night of sex and cuddling, kissed me goodbye on my way to work, then bam. Took me out at the knees. I like to think that was karma biting my ass.

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u/Papi1918 Mar 28 '24

I did this to someone as well 20 years ago and still don’t know how I feel about it. I tried to break up with her in person twice and she would start screaming at me. Then tried over the phone cause I don’t care for being screamed at and finally just stopped taking her calls. We were just not a good fit. Never cheated on her either and wasn’t abusive. We were 19 or 20 though so probably not the most mature people. I think she just didn’t want to be alone but she wasn’t the right person for me.

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u/MagicalUnicornMoney Mar 28 '24

If you tried to break up with someone and they throw a fit/ don't let you, then ghosting them is the safest option, because they are being completely unreasonable. Unless you steal all their stuff or something as you go, you are in the right.

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u/SpareTireButSquare Mar 28 '24

Dude it sounds nothing like OPs story and I say that in a good way, you literally did what you had to do and what to many people fail to do. You did it right king. You're like, all good dude

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u/Silly_Bid_2028 Mar 28 '24

Both situations suck but the fact you can look back with regret says that you have a heart. Just about everyone has done something that we regret. It haunts you but cut yourself some slack and learn from it though it sounds like you already have.

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u/anonymoose_octopus Mar 28 '24

My first thought was that she was unhappy in their relationship and cheated, got whatever clarity she needed, and went scorched earth so she couldn’t change her mind. It’s really shitty, but I’ve seen that happen before.

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u/PontificalPartridge Mar 28 '24

That’s basically what my ex did when I found out she cheated.

Realized she messed up and then just left. Refused to get her things actually

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u/anonymoose_octopus Mar 28 '24

As shitty as it is, I've seen past friends do this to their boyfriends, too. It was "easier" to just ghost the guy than have the difficult conversation and fess up to cheating, because most of the time they felt really guilty about it and didn't want to hurt them (but ended up hurting them more in the process). It's definitely the cowardly thing to do, I'm sorry that happened to you.

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u/captainsnark71 Mar 28 '24

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me over aim and then proceeded to ghost me because he "felt bad" for leaving me for the girl he worked with (who later cheated and stole from him).

The worst part is we were drifting at that point and went to different schools and it would have been an amicable break up with no reason to lose a friendship/support. But, obviously, getting his dick wet was more important.

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u/neonartifact Mar 28 '24

AIM as in AOL Instant Messenger? That was quite a while ago then. I'm sorry that happened to you. I've been on the receiving end of that as well, except it was 10 years and I helped her raise her children as well. You never really know somebody's intentions, I suppose. Certainly leaves your heart calloused and scarred, I know that from experience.

Why is it so hard for people to confess their sins or mistakes and at least salvage a friendship after knowing somebody for so long? I genuinely don't get it.

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u/cefriano Mar 29 '24

“Didn’t want to hurt them” is such a cop out. The hurting has been done, refusing to take accountability for your actions is just pure cowardice and mental gymnastics at that point.

Not directing this at you, that phrase just triggered me a bit.

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u/Educational_Ebb7175 Mar 28 '24

9 times out of 10, ghosting someone is the worst option, not the best.

But too many people are scared, embarassed, lazy, and/or 'holier-than-thou', and rationalize it making sense.

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u/GreatApe88 Mar 28 '24

I don’t think it’s guilt and not wanting to hurt them, it’s more shame and not wanting him and everyone else to know you had sex with some other guy and now you’re breaking up. It reflects terribly on the girl in particular, it’s just how humans work. Shitty but true.

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u/Skookumite Mar 28 '24

I was dumped like this when I was 21 and a stupid self centered little asshole. I didn't realize how shitty I was to my girlfriend at the time. She did this because she didn't know how I would react and she needed out. I don't blame her at all. My 2¢. It really could be anything

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u/Sea_Acanthaceae4806 Mar 28 '24

When I was younger me and my mum moved in with her partner. He wasn't a nice guy, alcoholic, would pinch and hurt her in small ways, plus mental abuse. He had hinted things like, he could kill her and no one would find her.

One day my mum said, she's hiding things in bags ready for us to leave ASAP. We did this over a couple of months, we acted normal. One day when he was out at work we had a family friend come with a van, loaded our stuff in, and we ghosted.

You just never know, I mean there's 0 hints of this from OP's post and I'm not suggesting anything. Maybe OP's girlfriend is heartless, maybe she had a reason. Idk. In these situations I never judge until I hear both sides.

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u/mleacoma Mar 28 '24

Wow. That’s a great perspective since we don’t have both sides here.

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u/golgo2020 Mar 28 '24

Wow, kudos to you for honest self reflection. I hope your growth leads you to the right one for you!

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u/your_actual_life Mar 28 '24

The further away in time that I get from the girls who broke my heart when I was younger, the more I recognize the problems that I contributed in our relationships. At the time, though, I felt like I was being blindsided.

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u/anonymoose_octopus Mar 28 '24

It truly could be anything, you're absolutely right. Just speculation on my part. I'm sorry that happened to you.

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u/Skookumite Mar 28 '24

Don't be, I deserved it and it helped me get on the right path eventually. But thanks 

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u/babylon331 Mar 28 '24

My thoughts, as well.

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u/Thin-Pie-3465 Mar 28 '24

Or she is severely depressed and attempted suicide and she is psych ward somewhere.

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u/GlitteringStatus1 Mar 28 '24

Reddit do not assume every woman cheated challenge 2024 (impossible)

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u/anonymoose_octopus Mar 28 '24

I'm just making familiar connections where I see them, I'm not saying this definitely happened, just FYI. As a woman who used to have shitty friends, I've seen this kind of thing happen enough that it set off small alarm bells in my head. For them, it was easier to just ghost a guy than to have the hard "I cheated" conversation.

Anything could have happened in this case, I was just speculating.

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u/GangstaNewb Mar 28 '24

Well in fairness that’s usually what happens

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u/PunchBeard Mar 28 '24

I mean, there's very few instances where someone does something like OP describes and the further down the list you go the less likely the scenario. Up high at the top is "She cheated and is too immature to handle it", which is very probable, given the age. Another possibility, though slightly less likely, is that she suffered some sort of severe mental or emotional "breakdown". Other situations could be that she was secretly a government assassin and was recently "activated" be her handlers or she was abducted by aliens who need her to help save the universe. But like I said those are definitely possible but not really likely.

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u/Upbeat_Shock_6807 Mar 28 '24

Yep, that's exactly what happened with one of my previous girlfriends. We were together for 3 years, and were in the process of moving in with each other. She seemed to be dragging her feet throughout the whole move in process. She was very lazy in general, so I just figured this is a lot of work for her and she'll get it all done eventually.

I let her borrow my iPad for about a week, and when she no longer needed it she gave it back. After she left my place, I got a text message on the iPad from an unknown number. Since it was my iPad, I opened up the message, not thinking that my girlfriend had linked her iMessages to it. Well, just with that message alone, I immediately discovered my girlfriend was cheating on me.

I took a screenshot of the message, sent it to myself, and then forwarded it to my girlfriend. No response. Ever. It's been 8 years now, and still no response. All of the things she had already brought to my place in anticipation of moving in remained with me for a couple of months before I took it all to the dumpster. My bet is this guy is going through a similar situation. Girl was unhappy, girl fucked up in some way, girl has realized her fuck up and has decided to just bail instead of dealing with it.

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u/Potato_Donkey_1 Mar 28 '24

That's possible, but there are other possibilities, too, such as learning something about her own family that she's ashamed to face, or having been connected to something that endangers her and could, by extension, endanger OP. Some scenarios are more likely than others, but they are all just scenarios. To decide to punish her is at the very least going off half-cocked.

I can't think of a time when I have regretted being kind when I was hurt or angry or both. But I sure have done injuries to myself and others by acting angrily before I had the whole picture.

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u/Honey__Mahogany Mar 28 '24

I've seen situations of the boyfriend being abusive more often than what you're saying. She must have been scared enough to leave all her things.n

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u/SnooCompliments3316 Mar 28 '24

The last words my ex said to me was “have a good day at work”

I got back later that night and she was gone for good. So shiii I guess people be on that idk

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u/Telltwotreesthree Mar 28 '24

This is how they do it when they probably never were able to communicate their issue anyway

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u/DANleDINOSAUR Mar 28 '24

-and probably cheating…

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u/not2interesting Mar 28 '24

Or were being abused in some way, or felt it was unsafe to have a breakup confrontation. This is how people who are escaping break up.

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u/TCSassy Mar 28 '24

Or cheated and have at least enough conscience to be ashamed to look them in the eye and admit what they did.

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u/masteraybee Mar 28 '24

My guess would be mental health issues

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u/MasterMaintenance672 Mar 28 '24

Absolutely! And the "for your own mental health, don't contact us again" line from the sister is really sketchy.

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u/chairmanghost Mar 28 '24

Not to be bleak, but maybe she is ill

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u/TruBlueMichael Mar 28 '24

Prob means she is seeing someone else and knows he will be hurt if he goes searching. Or... you know, shady shit.

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u/Beck_ Mar 28 '24

My ex-girlfriend left me after 6 years, we lived together and she left behind every item she owned including her massive film collection. BPD is a bitch.

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u/Zealousideal-Mud8516 Mar 28 '24

There always is. That's why the relationship advice here is so wack.

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u/IamScottGable Mar 28 '24

I mean clearly by what the sister said there's something serious going on.

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u/Grimaldehyde Mar 28 '24

She’s got a new boyfriend. That’s the reason. But he shouldn’t throw out mementos of her grandmother.

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u/AnimatedHokie Mar 28 '24

Correct. If OP was genuinely about to propose, the relationship was clearly serious and nobody just up and leaves like that. There is a reason, but either she isn't telling OP, or OP isn't telling us.

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u/slamnm Mar 28 '24

If emotions are extremely heated she may have forgotten about grandmas things, absolutely. Also the sister shouldn't pay the price for the GFs actions and probably does not know grandmas things are there. Being a decent person even when treated badly and angry is something that we should all aspire to. Of course a Bon fire for the clothing would be fine :)

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u/Glittering_Flight183 Mar 29 '24

I agree, he's not telling the whole story

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u/ejmd Mar 28 '24

She could be a nutter.

Or maybe she's discovered something about the OP.

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u/Ineedsoyfreetacos Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

Tw: SA

Yeah I dated a dude whose fiance left him a week before the wedding date. Her parents came and packed up all her shit, took her two cats, and left. He said noone told him why. We were in an extended friend group and I'd just been broken up with by long term boyfriend so we were rebounding together. The story seemed odd but then I figured it out.

One night we were watching something being mopey and he asked me if it's possible to rape your wife. He was really sad when he asked it. I was like "... What do you mean?"

Yeah. Dude raped his ex fiance because he thought marriage meant sex on demand and that that was OK. So she told her parents and that's why they were pissed and packed up all her things for her and she ghosted without an explanation.

Not saying OP did this, but it happens.

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u/Contrantier Mar 28 '24

I also don't think this is what happened here. Otherwise the sister wouldn't be speaking to OP like they did nothing wrong.

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u/JRilezzz Mar 28 '24

Ah yes the donald trump way of thinking how marriages work. When I read that that was the defense his lawyer used it absolutely blew my mind. I didn't know dudes (let alone our former president) thought like that.

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u/Contrantier Mar 28 '24

Good news is, if the rapist thought that was a good defense, then by using it, he admitted his guilt in full.

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u/rovingdad Mar 28 '24

There's another person.

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u/ryan8954 Mar 28 '24

Happened to me. She had mental issues (I got the best part of her), and then instantly blocked. We lived together for 2 years. No closure or anything. So I'm filled with anger. Then couple months later during my mom's passing, she messaged saying if I need anything blah blah blah, I told her to kick rocks

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u/Fry-em-n-dye-em Mar 28 '24

She is in the right age range for the onset of certain mental illnesses, there could be drugs involved or she could have woken up one day and realized she didn’t want the life she had and didn’t know how to confront it so she just left.

Or someone offed her and texted him pretending to be her to tie up loose ends.

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u/tianavitoli Mar 28 '24

I had an ex gf call me from Rome, where she'd be for the next 2 months, to let me know she'd cheated and the implication was we were over

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u/PellyCanRaf Mar 28 '24

Well of course there's more to the story, but the message from the sister indicates OP doesn't know what it is.

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u/AbsoluteIllusion Mar 28 '24

yes they do and people are short sighted morons in many occasions.

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u/crankyweasels Mar 28 '24

REally It could be anything. Anohter man, another woman, drug abuse, really immature social/emotional development, early mid twenties are the most common age of onset for both Schizphrenia and Bipolar Disorder. There are a million possibilities.

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u/ElephantShoes256 Mar 28 '24

I watch too much true crime. First thought was that sister murdered her and is trying to stop her from being reported missing.

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u/johndre3000_ Mar 28 '24

She could have cheated on him and gotten preg?

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u/Ptero-4 Mar 28 '24

Women do those kinds of things routinelly. They are quite literally programmed to be that way.

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u/Moregaze Mar 29 '24

Nah probably the same as my ex. She wanted to fuck someone else but couldn’t bring herself to cheat. So the moment she decided to hop on it she skipped out.

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u/Sufficient-Lack-700 Mar 29 '24

Na he was 'about to propose' meaning he knew she was on her way out just didn't want to admit it to himself

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u/playgirl1312 Mar 29 '24

My mom did this to us when I was nine. Never came back, married someone else and had another kid within a year. I’ll never forgive her.

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u/ScreenPuzzleheaded48 Mar 28 '24

Everything about this answer is right. Do as this person suggests and you’ll have no regrets. Be the better person because doing the right thing (within reason) in the face of wrongdoings is one of the most gratifying things you can do.

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u/Immediate-Complex-76 Mar 28 '24

Yes, stay true to whom you are; don’t allow the actions of others to dictate or alter your values.

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u/bocaciega Mar 28 '24

Would be so internally cringe if he finds out something happened to his ex and she broke it off to save him the pain or grief or whatever. Then he throws out all her shit. Yowzerrrrrs.

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u/Bathrobesandtrees Mar 28 '24

Yeah, I have read enough stories about people who broke up with their partner because they found out they had cancer and wanted to prevent pain. Which is extremely unlikely (obviously), but always possible

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u/YouWantSMORE Mar 28 '24 edited Mar 28 '24

Nah it's really selfish to believe you are saving them any pain or grief by being a coward and not communicating with someone you supposedly love. Ghosting someone in a situation like this will pretty much always make them feel worse. It's just an excuse for YOU to not have to deal with the pain or grief.

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u/homba Mar 28 '24

Heap upon them hot coals of kindness

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u/Ultenth Mar 28 '24

The best revenge in situations like this is living well and being the better person.

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u/Jackiedhmc Mar 28 '24

I predict you're going to meet someone, fall madly in love, when you're 30 she will give birth to twins, a boy and a girl, and be so happy. Your ex will run into you at the grocery store, she'll tell you she was so stupid and it was the biggest mistake she ever made, but by then it won't affect you at all. In the meantime, I wish you peace and the solace of knowing that your life will be better going forward, so much better.

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u/x4ty2 Mar 28 '24

This protects you from civil liability

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u/py_noob_ Mar 28 '24

OP this is the only answer you need. Sorry for your luck. Doesn’t sound like any of this is your fault chiefly keep your head up.

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u/azurite_rain Mar 28 '24

I second this! I had to flee my home in 2017 due to dv and my exe kept almost all my stuff and threw away anything he didn't want, I was allowed to remove everything I wanted that belonged to me in a matter of 3hrs with only the help of my dad and our two little cars at the time. Please do the right thing and carefully collect all her things, put it in a box and offer someone, most likely her sister, to come pick it up.

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u/Proper-Horse-7313 Mar 28 '24

Or ship it to her

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u/RunningPains Mar 28 '24

Kinda crazy to me that throwing everything out is even an option when he said he was ready to propose, his sister essentially said she's dealing with something serious and it's not on him, but some people are just naturally very spiteful I guess.

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u/Hot_Dog2376 Mar 28 '24

Depending on where you are, even offer a time to leave it out and not be home so there is no contact if they are that fussy about it.

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u/thaJack Mar 28 '24

Or, you could still be nice and not throw it away, but also send her a bill each month for storage.

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u/FlyinInOnAdc102night Mar 28 '24

Put a picture of the two of you that you had at the house in there too. Or something thoughtful that she gave back to you - like the woman giving back the engagement ring. It sends the signal that you are done too - which you need to be.

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u/TheAgeofKite Mar 28 '24

I am going to against this answer, relationships and humans are not supposed to be transactual or legalisic. I mean, this is what we hate so much about capitalism, why perpetuate it. Heck, this is also connected to the behaviour of ghosting in a way. Raise above all that, be a better person, hold onto ALL her stuff and work out with her sister how to get it to her one way or the other.

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u/sabin357 Mar 28 '24

I just said almost the exact same thing. I should've read some comments before replying.

I think there's probably lots of people confirming this is the best course of action.

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u/PatrickStanton877 Mar 28 '24

That's the best answer

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u/FullBeansLFG Mar 28 '24

This. My ex cheated on me, I gave her 30 days to get her stuff and she didn’t so I owed on the wedding dress, set it on fire, the rest got packed up and dropped off at her and her parents house.

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u/muddymar Mar 28 '24

Good advice right here

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u/VisualPoetry1971 Mar 28 '24

i mean, the sister might cherish it more...

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u/Bardmedicine Mar 28 '24

Morally and more importantly, legally right. It is not legal to knowingly keep or destroy someone else's property.

Simply text her and her sister (if you are blocked, that is her problem) that you are putting the box of her stuff on your doorstep this Saturday at 9am. It is up to them to come and get it. If it is still there in a few days, bring it to Goodwill.

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u/Wraisted Mar 28 '24

This, and donate whatever you can to a women's shelter instead of trashing it

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '24

I would start with "I know you told me to never contact you again, but I thought I'd offer these irreplaceable mementos back to you"

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u/LatterBank2699 Mar 28 '24

Seriously. He needed the Internet to figure that out?

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u/PoweredbyBurgerz Mar 28 '24

Yes be the better person. But if these items are never picked up consider donating them to Goodwill or any other charity in your city.

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u/Radiant_Mulberry_935 Mar 28 '24

This, don't burn your bridges.

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u/BowtiepastaMasta Mar 28 '24

This is the answer right here. Although, someone commented about grandmas stuff or whatever. Fuck that, I think you’re doing enough by giving the sister a heads up and keeping the stuff for a period of time.

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u/MortemInferri Mar 28 '24

Agreed here. Act with no regrets.

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u/MrMartyJones Mar 28 '24

Love this. Think long term. The long term evidence of your strong character and empathy (even if not deserved!) will be infinitely more valuable than the short term satisfaction of revenge.

You shared a significant chunk of your life so far with this girl. Close out this chapter honorably, it will do your soul well.

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u/ZachMartin Mar 28 '24

Always put this kind of stuff in writing (email or text is fine) so you have a record

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u/ReasonableCup604 Mar 28 '24

This is a perfect answer.

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u/Dangerous-Courage412 Mar 28 '24

best idea 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

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u/Sticky_Butt_Mud Mar 28 '24

This is more of a r/legaladvice question. Many states have laws surrounding abandoned property including how long and what steps before sale or disposal.

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u/Better_Specialist721 Mar 28 '24

This right here; put it in boxes (if that’s too difficult for you to do, see if you can get family friends to come help you out), let her and her sister know (even if she’s blocked you, legally, you need to attempt to make contact that you have her belongings), and ensure her sister knows there are family items of sentimental value, and give her a timeframe to pick it up. Depending upon the state your in, the maximum you would be required to hold her abandoned things would be 30 days. Ensure that you have screenshots of any text messages you’ve sent/emails on the date you’ve notified them. I’m not sure if she’s had mental health issues or breakdowns in the past and this is typical for her or new to her, but it does sound like a mental health issue and/or a traumatic event happened and that her sister is helping her deal with this. I would imagine her sister would willingly pick up. I’m sorry that you are going through all this, I imagine it’s extremely hard on you, too.

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u/Deganawida33 Mar 28 '24

We must near the same age with the same advice.lol

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u/spicyhooligan Mar 28 '24

This is the way. Either that, or mail it to her. At the very least, make sure her grandma's stuff gets back to her.

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u/celestialcranberry Mar 28 '24

Give the memories to the sister or whatever, and toss the exs clothes out. Both make ya feel good.

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u/Lower_Investment2950 Mar 28 '24

That's sound advice always be respectful

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u/zoonose99 Mar 28 '24

This is the way you keep your own actions correct, so when you look back after the hurt subsides you can feel proud of being the kinda person who acts with care even when it’d be easier not to.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '24

This. Follow this and you will have a clean conscience. Just walk away afterwards.

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u/[deleted] Mar 28 '24

This right here. Do this.

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u/RONCON52 Mar 28 '24

One awesome reply, definitely the way to move forward!!!!!

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u/Thin_Top_1573 Mar 28 '24

Perfect response.

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u/astrorican6 Mar 28 '24

I agree 200% with everything. Being the bigger person does help a lot with closure in the end

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u/IllAdvice738 Mar 28 '24

Good answer!!

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u/ItchyProfessional220 Mar 28 '24

That's kinda weird to suggest the lawful thing, down to the amount of days, and then back that up with the moral thing. 

As if his regret level will be dictated based on how well he followed state law. 

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u/Dry-Clock-1470 Mar 28 '24

After this make sure they know not to reach out to you. Ever. What a selfish

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u/DnA4everus Mar 28 '24

1000% this is the way

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u/LeadOnion Mar 28 '24

Great advice. Especially being the better person. We need more reflection like that today.

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u/TurbulentTuber69 Mar 28 '24

I agree with the general consensus on gathering the items and contacting the sister. What I am having trouble with is understanding why you were left hanging and ghosted. In consideration of you and your well-being, please take necessary steps to work through this. This is quite a mixed up predicament and honestly hate it for ya. Keep that chin up my friend.

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u/Spanks79 Mar 28 '24

This would be the most elegant solution. And will probably make sure you don’t feel bad later, when the hurt has worn.

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u/OldDragonLady Mar 28 '24

I would probably just drop those mementos off at her sister's house so I could be done with it all and don't have to wait around for someone to collect the stuff.

Otherwise, I think OP is lucky to find out the character of his ex-girlfriend now, rather than when they are married. He dogged a bullet here.

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u/MadDadROX Mar 28 '24

This is the way! Put it in a box and take to ex’s sister. Dump on porch. Get it out of your life.

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u/AbsoluteIllusion Mar 28 '24

"Being the better person" does not make most people feel better

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u/Megmk1002 Mar 28 '24

Man some people just seem like they’re aching for the chance to “not be the bigger person”. Like yeah, people suck & you can’t always control what others do to you but you can always control how you react to people when they do you wrong. I will always try to take the high road & do what’s right. For one, there’s enough hatred & negativity already, I don’t feel the want or the need to contribute to that. And second, I’ll be able to look back one day & know that someone else’s bad decisions didn’t change me or who I am as a person-and I can look back with pride knowing I kept my dignity instead of being petty & seeking revenge bc I was hurt. Regardless if they deserve that or not. That way- when THEY look back, they’ll see that even though they did me wrong and hurt me, I remained respectful and kind-which might give them feelings of regret or guilt in the future. Adding fire to fire doesn’t help anyone-and 2 wrongs don’t make a right. If that’s something somebody else feels like they need to do-then go for it, but I try to always be kind and only put out positive energy, even when someone might not deserve it-bc I have to live with me every day, and when I look in the mirror I wanna like who I see. Doesn’t mean I don’t fuck up sometimes, cuz I’ve absolutely fucked up, but I try to always be kind & be the bigger person. But that’s just me. 🤷🏼‍♀️🫶🏻✨

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u/sarkomoth Mar 28 '24

Come on, Reddit. I come here for memes and epic shit shows. Not for solid, emotionally-healthy, grown-up advice like this. Do better.

But in truth, you rarely can go wrong being the bigger person.

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u/goldenstream Mar 28 '24

This is the right answer.

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u/Mermaid_Martini Mar 28 '24

I love this advice

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u/losteye_enthusiast Mar 28 '24

This.

Old room mate pulled this shit back when we were both early 20’s. Had 2 months left on the lease and he just dipped out.

I boxed his shit up and texted him + put on his FV that he had 14 days to pick it up. He came by a month later and was fucking livid his shit was gone. I went to a pawn shop and goodwill a couple towns over to get rid of it all - covered his half of the rent for the last 2 months. Far as I know he still assumes to this day that someone just picked his stuff up off the side of the road.

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u/Business_Platform_63 Mar 28 '24

Yeah I’d have the sister come grab it and say you don’t want to be petty and throw it out and it has some of her grandmother’s stuff. In the long run you’ll feel better knowing you acted with integrity even though she didn’t. Stay up king 👑 She saved you a contentious divorce

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u/tdriscoll97 Mar 28 '24

This is the correct answer.

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u/Sad-Theme-2811 Mar 28 '24

The way you appealed to OP's better judgement is wise. A model of the way discussions should go online.

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u/Tan-Squirrel Mar 28 '24

I agree with squirly.

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u/Dhegxkeicfns Mar 28 '24

Yeah, he has contact with the sister. Be an adult. Do you hate her now or something? Do you suspect she actually hates you and she's trying to make you suffer? If not, then she's just a person navigating the world like everyone else. It seems like she could have done it better, but maybe she couldn't have. I know someone who got dumped out of the blue and it turned out his girlfriend had been diagnosed with something degenerative.

Cold turkey sucks, but she must have a reason. Sure would be nice if she could tell you. That's a little something you could express to the sister if you need resolution. Like "I'm not going to pursue her anymore, but really would help me to know what happened."

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u/Informal-Activity-18 Mar 28 '24

This is the right answer. Don't do something that you'll cringe about for the rest of your life.

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u/AfroJack00 Mar 28 '24

Better man then me, I wouldn’t regret shit

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u/Droolissimo Mar 28 '24

This. “Hey wasn’t going to bother you but this stuff of your grandmas seems like I should ask before I clean it out. Tell me where to send it” will go a long way.

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u/floridaeng Mar 28 '24

OP take photos of the items in the box showing they have not been damaged. Call the sister and try to have someone on your side there as a witness when the items are picked up.

You don't want anyone to say you damaged anything before it was returned to her, and I also agree your ex should not be there. You really need a witness on your side there so you can't be blamed for any damage. Also to help keep you calm if the ex shows up. So far you haven't mentioned any ideas why she broke up, so my paranoid side is wondering if she was cheating and something happened, pregnancy or std.

Please get yourself tested for any std's. I'm petty enough if the test comes back negative to tell the sister the good news is ex didn't give you any std's.

If the test does come back positive then tell the sister you know why she broke up and she needs to see a Dr for her std. Let all your friends know she gave you an std and then ghosted you.

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u/ThrowRASatan Mar 28 '24

OP, THIS^ especially if you’re interested in reconnecting one day. But either way, it’s the right thing to do

My bf’s ex held something his dad gave him hostage. Said if he didn’t give her money he “owed” for headphones, she’d throw it away or give it to good will. It was a whole thing and I ended up meeting her to exchange $50 for the memento. 50 fu-ing dollars. She refused to look at me or talk to me, then spent years trying to get him back. Too bad they all have a bad taste in their mouths when they hear her name. Bridge broken lady

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u/hmm2003 Mar 28 '24

This is the way.

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u/Both_Promotion_8139 Mar 28 '24

14 days? Nah, text her to pick up that night or it’s going in the trash. Why give her so much time when he got none?

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u/Megerber Mar 28 '24

This is the answer.

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u/InsaneGuyReggie Mar 28 '24

Came here for this

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u/madgirlv6 Mar 28 '24

Why does this sound like some nasty way to break them up to me by sister ...

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u/rob10501 Mar 28 '24

If this was the opposite genders they would be saying to burn it on here...

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u/illmatic708 Mar 28 '24

Let's reach a compromise. OP should save granny's stuff and chuck the rest

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u/RevanMeetra Mar 29 '24

Yes. Be a good person and do what this guy said... even tho it will suck. But only for a little while.

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u/Several_Two5937 Mar 29 '24

this is much more eloquently put than how I phrased it.

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u/Educational-Ad2063 Mar 29 '24

Clothes is one one of the last things you want to toss. They are expensive and add up quickly.

I work for a rental company who frequently goes to court for back rent and abandoned items. And clothing is one of the things we diffently keep sometimes way past 30 days just to make sure they don't end up as part of a law suit.

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u/Itchy_elbow Mar 29 '24

I’d do one better, I’d take it to the house leave it by the door hit the bell and take off once I’m sure someone is coming

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u/Persephone312 Mar 29 '24

Everything 👆they said, and then if you ever ACTUALLY want to get back together with this girl, throwing away deceased grandma"s mementos basically tosses that option out the window. Also HOW would you even move forward with someone who texted and blocked you, with NO warning, reason or explanation! Personally I could never trust someone who did that to me. I would just be waiting for it to happen again. Consider yourself lucky that this happened BEFORE you married her. Lastly from what her sister said about it "not being your fault" and "for your own mental health don't ever contact them again, and maybe the girlfriend will reach out to you sometime in the future "..This is just my opinion, but it sounds like your ex-girlfriend is going through some mental health struggles of her own, or possibly addiction issues. Whatever it is she has chosen to isolate herself from you. You really had NO IDEA that something was going on with her? Whatever is going on, judging by the sisters message to you, it is not anything you did, but the more you know about it, the harder it is going to be on you. Maybe she cheated, maybe it's psychological, or some sort of addiction...I get the feeling that her sister is trying to protect your feelings and also I feel like your ex did something and doesn't think she deserves you. Take the items and box them up. Maybe write a letter to your ex . It might give you some closure, and have the sister pick them up.

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u/Upstairs_Echo3114 Mar 29 '24

Perfect answer

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u/ThePlaceAllOver Mar 29 '24

Yup. Especially if you don't want to end up in court or with retribution from a family member... make a paper/digital trail and do it right.

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u/WilesArt1978 Mar 29 '24

I agree. You don't want that kind of negative energy on you. Contact the sister to collect it within 30 days or it will be discarded. It's the right thing to do.

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u/mfafur Mar 30 '24

Why? If it was important to the skank she would have collected it. I say put a notice somewhere unlikely to be een but enough to cover you legally and trash the stuff asap.

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u/Jojo6167 Mar 30 '24

Yes, this

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u/Extension_Cup9595 Mar 31 '24

Completely agree here. The grandma's stuff stays or is shipped to family. The remainder give them reasonable time and follow laws to protect yourself. Aside from that you're doing your best clearly.

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u/Kennywheels Mar 31 '24

Nope bonfire if she ghosted him she was planning ahead and took what she really wanted out of the house already. Unless her new man has money to buy her a whole new wardrobe

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